03x02 - Bomont

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical music playing]

Okay, you're on.

-I lived a hardscrabble life.
-[poignant music playing]

Nothing was ever handed to me.

-Most things were thrown.
-[man gagging]

Who is gagging?

-[music stops]
-I'm sorry.

I get nauseous when I read in the car.

-[Summer groans]
-Read what? You're driving.

Road signs count.
What does that say? State route...

West... [gags]

[gags] Okay, someone needs
to be reading these to me.

-That green one says...
-No!

-No, don't help him.
-He has to learn.

Please, Percy. You're interrupting
our awards-eligible tour documentary.

[poignant music resumes]

-My childhood was...
-[gagging]

-Damn it, Percy!
-[music stops]

No, it's me.

Sorry for being pregnant.

Wait. How many weeks has it been
since The White Lotus finale?

-[Summer] Twelve.
-Ooh.

I can find out the sex.

Not that I care.
The baby's room will be gray either way.

-Okay, quiet on set.
-Yeah, mine.

-Attention, queers of the Ozarks.
-[funk music playing]

Her Royal Thiccness is gonna be
at the Music Hole tonight.

Groupies welcome.

Just call me Ho Spice.

But don't write it down
because it looks like "hospice." Ah!

Come on, you really think you're gonna be
swimming in it in Bomont,

as seen in the motion picture Footloose?

That explains why there's zero interest
on Bumpr.

No, wait, there's a lady.
She's moving fast.

Oh, she's on a plane.

It's a damn boob desert!

-What is that a play on?
-"Food desert." Keep up, Dawn.

-[truck horn honks]
-Jesus, Percy, yield!

I said I'm not reading signs!

["Famous 5eva" plays]

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3-gether
'Cause that's one more than 2-gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So, what are you waiting five? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

[whimsical music playing]

Yes! Found an OB
who takes my Viper insurance.

That's one past COBRA, where you're still
on your grandparents' plan.

-Okay, how about this one?
-[Kev] Ho, ho!

Like Easter bunny's trophy wife.

J'approve.

[giggles] Okay, so for tonight's fit,
I know you want to use the boots, so...

Summer?

Hey, Kev, um, sing yourself hold music.

Copy, ex-babe.

♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doobie Brothers, yeah!
Doo-doo... ♪

Are you asking your ex-husband
to approve what you wear?

Kev has great taste.

-His pants always match his car.
-I don't know.

This just seems like a step backwards.

Oh, like the moonwalk?

Ha! That's the greatest dance move ever.

Nice insult, Dawn.

How are you supposed to move on
and be your own person

if Kev is picking out
your clothes every day?

♪ Doobie Brothers, yeah! ♪

Huh. Maybe I've been afraid
to completely let go.

[pensive music playing]

And find out...

who is Summer without Kev.

[music turns whimsical]

Sorry, ex-babe. No more fit checks.

Your funeral.

-Yes!
-Stevia stole my khaki-colored car.

And I can't go find her
'cause she took my other colored pants.

[lilting music playing]

Everything's looking good.

Your baby's the size of a kumquat,
or a full-grown mouse.

Sorry, some people don't know
what a kumquat is.

Hey, so I've been watching
the new The Crown,

and Prince Philip is straight up
American-uncle-level r*cist.

Can the baby hear that?

It sure can.

And it understands everything
because it's still part angel.

Sorry, who's this?

[doctor] Since Roe got overturned,

state law now requires
a Fetal Citizen Advocate

to be present
at all prenatal appointments.

I'm just here to give a voice
to the voiceless.

Keep me safe, Mama.

-Um, are you a doctor?
-[Chuck] Better.

I'm a state senator.

Chuck Dennis. And my qualifications
are remembering my own conception.

That is not possible.

There was incredible speed
and a series of wet tubes.

I remember a kind of distant, muffled:
"womp-womp."

Which I later learned were
the opening credits to Dynasty.

Let's take a look at your chart.

[laughs]

Okay.

Um, hi. Is this weird?

Very. Me alone in a room
with two strange women?

That's why my wife is here.
Show yourself, Modor.

That's Old English for "mother."

Okay, you said you wanted to know the sex?

Let's take a look.

-[whimsical music playing]
-You are having a...

-Oh, no, no, no! No looks.
-[dramatic music playing]

No looks.
You're doing photos of a naked child.

-That's a Pizzagate! That's a Pizzagate.
-Oh, my God.

So...

[whimsical music playing]

A state senator was just in the checkup?

What did you do?

Nothing, right? Knowing you.

I wish I kicked him out.

I did that dumb '90s thing
where I just laughed.

Like when Craig Kilborn
put my foot in his mouth. On air.

Same when Kurt Loder called me the R-word.

But then, I did this.

♪ Get out of my mind ♪

♪ Get out of my life ♪

♪ I just wanna chuck Chuck ♪

♪ Chuck, Chuck ♪

You wanna what?

Chuck Chuck.

Like chuck, like "throw away."
I wanna chuck Chuck!

Sounds like he's your ex

and you are trying
to get him out of your mind.

Why's your sweatshirt moving?

-Found a squirrel that needs skin-to-skin.
-There's a squirrel in there?

We're in a boob desert, Dawn.

So I'm leaning into my other passion:
animal rescue.

[Wickie] This is the first of 20 shows

Girls5eva has booked
throughout the Midwest and Southeast.

Boy, it's hard to believe I'm even here,
given the start I had in life.

One day there will be a biopic, and, yes,

of course I will play myself.

From birth...

Goo-goo, ga-ga.

...to death.

I think there's a b*mb on the yacht!

Meet the new me!

-And cut, Percy.
-[whimsical music playing]

[Dawn] Wow, okay.

This is Summer without Kev.

Oh, my gosh, you guys.

You are going to love Randy.

Who? Did you meet somebody?

-Already?
-[Summer] Yeah.

He's just giving his Mustang a wipe-down.

So there's zero talent for me,
but you've already found a boyfriend.

That is just lovely.

Ah-ah! Don't latch.

-Hola, 5evas.
-Oh!

-[Randy] Randy's in the house.
-Sure, why not?

[squeals] You know what?
Oh, my God, baby. Ooh!

We met in the lobby
right after we were talking.

We bonded over our shared love
of bow-hunting and home-brewing, and...

-What's that other thing that we love?
-The Witcher.

Yes, king. We love The Witcher.

Oh, God. Oh, you guys.

Summer without Kev is Randy.

Thanks, Dawn!

Okay. I guess, let's sound-check.

What is that?

Is that a Victorian porcelain doll?

Oh, no. Modor.

-Ms. Solano.
-Senator, what are you doing here?

I was checking on some of my patients,

making sure they were
being good baby hosts,

and I found this.

-[singing "Chuck Chuck"]
Is this supposed to be about me?

Are you in love with me?

Because I am married.

Happily. Lookie here.

[both moaning]

Well, Chuck,

no, I'm not in love with you.

I'm actually very...

In love with Chuck Woolery.
That's Dawn's ex.

She's still obsessed with him.
It's sick. She kidnapped his dog.

I get it.

He is a great man.

Well, I am so sorry
to have interrupted you ladies.

So, what exactly
are you serving up tonight?

Plate-spinning, adult-tumbling,
mother-of-the-bride fashion show?

We're pop singers.

It's mostly John Cougar Mellencamp covers,
that sort of thing.

-What?
-Sounds like a hoot!

Thanks for stopping by.

-Okay?
-[Summer over speakers] Check, check.

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

My Ps are popping. p*ssy!

-Let me test. p*ssy! p*ssy! p*ssy!
-p*ssy. p*ssy.

-Positively. Pop, popping p*ssy.
-[Wickie] Hey, stop.

Hang on. This is your all's act?
[chuckles]

Well, like our birds after the derailment,
that's not gonna fly.

Hand me the...

Good gracious, this set list.

"Big 'P-word' Energy"?

"A Gay Anthem by Hospice"?

It's Ho Spice.

-It should never be written down.
-[Chuck] Even worse.

Girls, this isn't Decatur, Georgia.

You're telling me.

Bumpr is now just sending me
soft-faced men.

Gals, I'm not sure
you're being entirely honest with me.

I suggest you stick to your Cougar covers.

Well, senator,
you're not the boss of what we sing.

-I think he is.
-[pensive music playing]

Ten-thousand-dollar watch,

the calluses of a chronic golfer,
and that photo.

[dramatic sting plays]

-[gasps] Oh, my gosh.
-Are you with The Shining?

Ooh, close.

That's my granddaddy, Charles Sr. Sr.

My family bought this place in the '60s

to keep it from becoming
a filthy pool hall.

It was an overreaction
to seeing The Music Man.

-Oh.
-But today we own...

Oh, hey. That one right there. Yep.

The Sound Barrel, that's us.

-[laughs] You're tickling my back tummy.
-Entertainment Trough, that's us too.

And of course we own every Tune Cave
in the Southeast and the Midwest.

-I love our new friend.
-We own all those, except for Radio City.

-I'll let that sink in.
-[dramatic music crescendos]

So...

Cougar covers! Wonderful.

♪ Small town, unneutered dogs ♪

♪ Remembering high school ♪

-[whoops] Cougar, we love it!
-Yes!

My king loves it. We love it.

-[tense music playing]
-I can't believe you didn't back me up.

I can't believe you almost blew
our next 20 shows.

What if we just tone down our lyrics?

I used to do
Clean Kidz Club versions of N.W.A.

♪ Ducks are mean geese
Coming straight for the campground ♪

♪ Their heads are bigger
And their beaks do frowns ♪

♪ Ducks are mean geese! ♪

Of course you'd be cool
to change our whole show.

-What's that supposed to mean?
-You know what's better than Cougar?

Ska. Do you have huge suits?

Oh, my God.
That is such a great idea, king.

See? You just go along
with whatever a guy tells you.

-Why is he even here?
-I got this one, queen.

The ancient stone turquoise...

-Get the f*ck out of here, Randy!
-I hate your friends.

-[hisses]
-You guys, what are you doing?

He is, like, my everything.

Summer, you are a relationship chameleon.

You were a carbon copy of Kev,
now you're a carbon copy of Randy.

-You're glomming.
-I do not glom.

You're glomming, Jerry! You're a glommer!

You don't even dress yourself.

Oh! [scoffs] I have dressed myself.

Wait.

[pensive music playing]

Wait.

Wait, wait.

Oh, my God.

I haven't.

Ever.

-What?
-Not possible.

No, you guys, my dad used to dress me
like a Christian doll.

Larry dressed me like a horny virgin.
And then Kev...

Maybe it's time for you
to just be yourself.

Myself?

Who even is myself?

[Summer sobs]

-Hey, queen.
-[Summer] Hey, king.

No! Damn it!

[door closes]

That's a bummer.

You're being the same
amount bummer, Wickie.

You wanna let Chuck Dennis
tell us what to do.

Yeah, for money.

How can you even put a price
on having our voices heard?

Oh, stop the charadé.

When have you ever
actually stood up for anything?

I watched you try and donate to the ACLU,

but then give up when the site
didn't recognize your credit card.

My wallet was in different jeans.

Fine. I'm not perfect,
but I don't want to cave to that guy.

Gloria, don't you want
to sing your "Gay Anthem"?

To what gays? It's a boob desert.

Now Warren is gonna die
because he can't take a sh*t.

-[Warren wheezing]
-Gloria.

-[Gloria] He needs a laxative.
-Dawn,

you've gotta play nice with the suits
who control the money.

Whether it's Chuck Dennis, label reps,

the ad execs when I was briefly
the face of Spaghetti for Her.

Finally, a one-inch-shorter spaghetti

that's designed for a woman's throat,
stomach, and intestines.

Thanks, Barilla.

Now I can eat spaghetti.

Or the UPN suits when I was Hot Wife 2

on Wazzzup: The Sitcom.

-[man 1] Wazzzup!
-[man 2] Wazzzup!

-[audience cheering]
-I'll tell you what's "wazzzup."

The car still isn't fixed, Corey.

[audience laughing]

[sighs]

I just... I feel like a coward.

Wickie, I'm having a girl.

That's a Pizzagate. So...

You're having a girl, Ms. Solano.

A girl?

Oh, joy.

She's having a modor.

[haunting sting plays]

Congratulations, host.

-Oh!
-[cheerful music playing]

Is she gonna hate me

'cause I didn't stand up
to the Chucks of the world?

Oh, honey.

She's gonna hate you regardless.

All girls do.

Hey. Okay, listen.

When you're on your way up
and somebody does you wrong,

you just give them a long, hard stare...

and bank the memory.

Then when you have power, you remember.

[chuckles]

My bank is full:

Dreamgirls casting director.

Criss Angel for using magic
to end the relationship.

The all-white hair and makeup department
at Wazzzup: The Sitcom.

When I finally get my due,
they will get theirs.

So just bank Chuck Dennis
so you don't gut our tour.

I promise, we will humiliate him
at the Grammys.

For now,

we just need to suck it up and survive.

So please join me in the real world.

Let's get that again, Percy,
but with more emotion.

Can you make me cry?

Uh, once, a sperm bank had me
just do it into the trash can.

Thank you, Percy.

[poignant pop music playing]

[Summer] ♪ Is there a me? ♪

♪ Or is me just guys? ♪

♪ Do I have any middle ♪

♪ That's my own inside? ♪

♪ Do I even like The Witcher ♪

♪ Or is it just to please a mister? ♪

♪ And what even is The Witcher? ♪

♪ I watched 40 minutes ♪

♪ And I'm still not sure! ♪

♪ Is there a me? ♪

♪ Or is me just guys? ♪

♪ Are they the reason why ♪

♪ I always keep my mouth a little open? ♪

♪ Let The Man Show
Film me in slow-motion ♪

♪ Sleep with all my makeup on ♪

♪ And are they why I eat wings ♪

♪ Like this? ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

[gasps]

Ma'am! Give me all your tiny sewing kits.
I need all of them.

-[hopeful music playing]
-Thank you. Thank you so much.

More. Thank you! Thank you.

Thank you!

♪ Sensitive boy ♪

-♪ I am just a sensitive boy ♪
-[woman] Oh, my God. You're so hot.

[in British accent] Oh, shite.

Hey! You aren't by chance...

-That was quick.
-...using that ketchup, are you?

I need the separated ketchup water
for a sick squirrel.

It's a natural laxative.

Oh. Uh... [clears throat]

[in deep, Southern accent]
Uh, sure thing, little mama.

Wherever you are, you can always
count on a Macaroni Rascal's.

Tell me about it.
Especially when you're always on the road.

I'm a trucker.

Hmm.

And when every day's different,

it's nice to come somewhere
that's always the same.

It's, uh... It's comforting.

Well, I could use some comfort.

See, I'm a musician.

You wouldn't understand. It's dream stuff.

But I was just really hoping

that my community
would show up for me tonight.

[sighs] But we're in a boob desert.

Well, I trucked 60 miles out of my way
to get this Spaghetti à la Pasta.

You know?
So maybe don't give up hope just yet.

People go a long way
if it matters to them.

[hopeful music playing]

[music fades]

Right. [clears throat] I, uh...

I gotta hit the road and deliver...

like, a million chairs.

Oh!

-Oh, my God, you're Gray Holland.
-[upbeat music playing]

Oh, my God.

Gray Holland!

-[dramatic music playing]
-Oh, my God.

Have you not sh*t yet still?

[Dawn]
♪ It's hard to know when to speak up ♪

♪ So that anyone will hear ♪

-♪ To be bold ♪
-♪ To be bold ♪

-♪ Or push it down ♪
-♪ Or push it down ♪

♪ 'Cause what's next just isn't clear ♪

♪ But I want you to know ♪

♪ The time to rise up is ♪

♪ Later! ♪

♪ Later! ♪

♪ Now's not the right time
Let's aim for next year ♪

♪ We'll have no fear and maybe by then ♪

♪ The problems got solved by themselves
Or on their own ♪

♪ There's a young boy in a factory ♪

♪ Sweat all over his head ♪

♪ He said ♪

♪ I'm gonna build every single mama
Her own car ♪

♪ But then the factory said
"Ooh, nuh-uh, boy!" ♪

-All hail John Cougar.
-[lilting music playing]

Oh! Wonderful, ladies.

Warren, honey,
if you're not gonna drink the coffee,

do you think
that watching me go would help?

-[woman 1] Are you here for Ho Spice?
-[woman 2] What do you think she does

-before the show?
-Wolf cut, wolf sweatshirt,

indoor backpack,

faded Dar Williams tattoo,
fresh Arlo Parks tattoo,

the cat-scratch scars of a vet tech?

Lesbians?

-It can't be.
-It's Ho Spice!

[all gasping and cheering]

[fans chattering excitedly]

You're here for me?

I told you never to write it down.
But how?

Not many q*eer artists come
through the Quin-State Area.

So when there is one, we make the trek.

People will go a long way
if it matters to them.

I matter to you.

Thank you.

[cheering and whooping]

♪ Hut, hut, with the porch beer ♪

Hey, guys, I'm the gay Pied Piper
of the Ozarks. Look.

The gays showed up.

[dramatic music playing]

And I wanna show up for them.

We're gonna do our show.

No, Gloria. We are doing Cougar covers.

"Factory Car," "Little Boy, Big Country,"
"Truck Fulla Chairs."

I realized that revenge
is a dish best served later.

And I have five years

before my daughter starts
forming memories.

-Six, if I don't read to her.
-You guys.

[music turns whimsical]

I made my own clothes
out of stuff at the hotel.

Loofahs, the comforter.

This...

This is the new me.

Totally original, still very hot,
but on my terms.

This is not to appeal
to your sack, buddy, okay?

-Good. It doesn't.
-[Summer] Oh.

My thing is an older lady in a raincoat.

Ugh. I'm really done
being pushed around by guys.

-Yeah.
-[audience cheering]

Including that senator.

Music Hole, you are in for a treat.

No. We are not blowing up
our tour over him.

Nothing will change my mind.

Please welcome the gals from Girls5eva.

Dawn, Summer, Wickie, and Gloria!

Pause.

Did that man just introduce me third?

-That's when people say my name.
-Destroy him, Dawn!

-f*ck tomorrow!
-Oh, no.

I thought we were waiting.
I'm not prepared.

You wanna do something?
Now's your chance. I believe in you.

-Yeah.
-Oh, wow. Oh, wow!

[audience cheering and whistling]

Thank you, Chuck.

I mean, no.

Not thank you, Chuck.

Music Hole's Senator Dennis is bad.

That is why it is vital to vote early
and often.

Oh, sweetie, that is
breast-cancer-screening language.

The point is, if men got pregnant,
you'd get one from your mailman.

-What's "one"?
-This is unfocused.

Because what if A-Rod
hadn't finished in my hair?

-Okay, she's bad at this.
-Wait. Sorry.

My generation didn't grow up
caring about things.

This is new. But I drink almond milk.

You shouldn't. They use so much water.

-f*ck! I'm sorry, guys.
-Oof. Let's end this.

I'm gonna do better.
I'm gonna do research.

♪ Big, big p*ssy, p*ssy ener-energy ♪

♪ Big, big p*ssy, p*ssy ener-energy! ♪

No, no, no.

["B.P.E." playing]

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Stop!

♪ Stepping up, done playing it small ♪

♪ Taking over, yeah, wall to wall ♪

Stop!

[dramatic music playing]

[buzzes]

["B.P.E." continues playing]

[ringing]

I declare a Footloose!

No singing! No dancing!

It's a Footloose!

[guard over comm]
Footloose, shut this down.

Still worth it.

Modor, get in your sack, honey.

[woman on radio] A Footloose was declared
for the second time this month,

the last one due to prom dresses
that showed stomach.

I got some sh*ts in, right, guys?

The good news is that someday
our sun will explode

and there will be no record
of what you said tonight.

[Summer groans]

Guys, our next 20 gigs are canceled.

We are out of money and Suitelets points.
Where are we even going?

[sighs] I know where we can stay for free.

[dramatic music building]

Maryland.

[music crescendos]

Why did you say it like that?

-[Warren squeaks]
-[gasps] The squirrel is sh1tting!

Nope, those are babies.

["Inside My Sweater" playing]

♪ Sensitive boy ♪

♪ I am just a sensitive boy ♪

♪ Too humble to tell you about my houses ♪

♪ Too shy to show you my drawings of you ♪

♪ Just wanna cry ♪

♪ Inside my sweater with you ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ So will you please, please ♪

♪ Come live with me? ♪

♪ Inside my sweater ♪

♪ Sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Inside my loose sweater ♪

♪ Sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Play hide-and-seek
And sleep and dream with me ♪

♪ Inside my sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Inside my sweater ♪

♪ Sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Inside my loose sweater
Sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Play hide-and-seek
And sleep and dream with me ♪

♪ Inside my sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Inside my sweater, sweater ♪