02x06 - Moral Report

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[chomps]

[expl*sive burp]

[sniffs]

[glass breaks]

-[James] Ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
-[Max] Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, ah!

[loud expl*si*n]

See? Everything worked out.

[loud crash]

[James laughing]

Aww, I wanna be a letter!

[burps]

[banjo country music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[Patrick slurping]

[smacking lips together]

[James sighs in frustration]

-[James grunting]
-[marker scratching on box]

[Max eating noisily]

Did you find Captain Fibeard's
treasure yet?

No.

How about now?

[groans]

Still no! I've been over
the clues a million times!

Past Roughage Ridge, around Gastric Pass,

over Clean-out Creek,
to the mouth of Colon Cave,

where you'll find the treasure.

But I keep running into dead ends!

You know, mazes are a lot easier
if you start where the treasure is.

I found Fibeard's gold!

[slurping loudly]

See? That's how you do it.

[gasps]

I am not starting
at the end of the maze, Max!

That's cheating!

You can't take shortcuts in life.

You gotta put in the hard work
to achieve your goals.

[bell ringing]

-[Max grunting] Mm-hmm.
-[James groaning]

Did you put in the hard work
on your oral report?

Nope, I didn't do it.

Oral reports are stupid, Max.

It's like double the work.
First you have to write your report down,

then you have to say it?

But you love talking. It's all you do.

Hmm. I'm pretty sure
I've never heard you not talk.

All I'm saying is oral reports
were purely designed

to t*rture those giving them.

Did you know people's number one fear
is public speaking?

-More than death?
-[buzzing]

[papers shuffling]

That's right.

And I would rather cease
to exist than do an oral report, Max.

[shocking organ chord]

If McFly calls on me,

I'll just tell him that oral reports
are over!

Though for all I know,
he may not even call on me today.

[door twisting open]

Okay. James, you are up first.

-[James gasps]
-[ominous music playing]

Oh, and, James,

due to you ranting your way
to an F on your previous six assignments,

you need to get an A on this
or you'll be held back.

[shocking sound]

Held back?

That means Max and I
won't be in the same class,

which means no more lunchtime
to stare into each other's eyes

as we force down the cheese-less pizza!

And who will I pretend to understand
osmosis with next year?

I need you.

[both crying]

You'll be fine,
as long as James is prepared.

[silently screaming]

[James shushes Max]

Um, sure, no problem.

I'll just get started.

Um, my oral report's on...

Uh...

Something almost too
unbelievable to be true.

The... the lost treasure
of our beloved hometown of Dirt!

The lost treasure of Dirt? Right.

Sounds like a stable full
of stuff we flies usually love.

No, it's true!

Really? Then why haven't I heard of it?

Uh, because it's never been found.

But legend has it that it's somewhere
out there buried in the desert.

-Let me see! Oh!
-Ooh.

Hmm.

That's right.

-[beeping]
-Long, long ago,

one of the original settlers of Dirt
was a pirate, a real rapscallion.

He stole precious treasure and...

And hid it somewhere out in the desert.

Really?

You expect me to believe
there's a legend of lost pirate treasure

that's just waiting
for someone to find it?

Oh, yeah, and it's just sitting out there,
past Roughage Ridge, around Gastric Pass,

over Clean-out Creek,
and buried at the mouth of Colon Cave.

Hmm.

-[Mr. McFly grunts]
-[desk clattering]

That booty is mine!

Oh, I knew this day would come.

I knew this day would come,
Principal Loudspeaker,

when I could look you straight
in the speaker and tell you I quit!

[spits]

Peace out, pupils.

Huh. That went well.

[upbeat music playing]

-[James grunting]
-[marker scratching on box]

[James grunting]

Ugh!

Foiled by Gastric Pass!
Curse you, Captain Fibeard!

How can you work on a maze right now?

When McFly realizes
you lied about the treasure,

he's going to hold you back!

Then who's gonna help me clean

those hard to reach places on my tail
when we shower after gym class?

Max, relax. We're not gonna be separated.

That's the beauty of a lost treasure.

No one in the history of Dirt
has ever found it,

and neither will Mr. McFly,
because it doesn't exist.

It's the perfect lie.

I bet in the future,
it'll be called a James Lie.

Hmm. A James Lie. In the future?

Hmm. I'll ask Echo.

[horses pitter-pattering]

[boing]

[door bell jingling]

Whoa!

[barrel creaking while rolling]

Luckily for me,
McFly is gullible enough

to believe that there's
a lost treasure in the desert.

Lost treasure in the desert?

-Treasure!
-Hey!

Lost treasure in the desert?

Did somebody lose a treasure
in the desert?

Lost treasure in the desert?

Treasure!

Lost treasure, there's lost treasure?

Get back!

This treasure is mine!

Hmph.

Relax.

I'm sure people will calm down
by sunset and everything will be fine.

[ominous music playing]

-[screaming and yelling]
-[fire crackling]

I might have been wrong
about it being fine.

[tumbleweed bouncing]

-[fire crackling]
-[electricity crackling]

[playground toy crashing]

[expl*sive boom]

[digging noises]

Man, you really James'd this up.

No, no, no, no, no!

Everyone's going to want to k*ll me

when they realize I caused all this
by giving a fake oral report!

If they find out,

then McFly will fail you,
and you'll be held back.

And I can't be friends
with someone in a lower grade!

That'll k*ll my rep with the cool kids!

Oh!

Uh, okay, okay, okay.

There's gotta be a way out of this.

This'll all be over
if someone finds a treasure.

Which means I just need
to give the town a treasure to find.

Man, I'm a genius!

[cardboard box shuffling]

I'll lay out the clues, plant a treasure.

Then as soon as someone finds it,

McFly will come groveling back
for his job,

and you and I get to stay together.

But there is no treasure!

[in a suggestive tone] Isn't there?

No! There isn't!

[in a cute tone] Isn't there?

No! There isn't!

[in an even cuter tone] Isn't there?

[in a serious voice] No.

[in a normal tone] Right.

We should go.

[crawling noises]

[yodeling music playing]

[jumping noises]

[yodeling music ends]

[marker scraping noises]

Okay, this will be Roughage Ridge,

which they'll reach
after going through Gastric Pass,

jumping over Clear-Out Creek.

[splashes]

Eventually ending up at Colon Cave,

home of Captain Fibeard's booty.

And now to bury the treasure.

[box shuffling]

[coins clanging]

Arcade tokens from Ralph E. Rats?

You've been holding out on me!

Ouch!

[James whistling]

[dirt shuffling]

[James grunting and groaning]

Phew. I'm really straining here.

[hard knock]

Huh? What the?

[James grunting]

You forgot you already did
this clue or somethin'?

[both gasp]

[gold glittering]

No, I didn't put this here.

Then who did?

[Captain Fibeard] Yo ho! Yo ho!

The fiber life for me!

Captain Fibeard!

B-b-but there's no such thing
as Captain Fibeard!

[Captain Fibeard] Shiver your timbers
and shiver your trees.

[rocks crumbling together]

One bowl of Fibeard's,
you'll be going with ease.

[both scream]

I'll shred ya like the wheat
that goes in me fiber flakes.

-Captain Fibeard!
-Captain Fibeard!

-Yo ho! Hah!
-[James] Ah!

Get ye hands off me booty!

-[James] Ah! Wah!
-[Max] Ah! Wah!

-[Captain Fibeard grunting]
-[sword dragging on the dirt]

[grunting and huffing]

[James yelps]

Muscles!

[man groans]

[sausages being smooshed]

I can't believe I'm going to die
at the hands of a cereal mascot!

Don't you mean hand? He only has one hand.

I'm sorry, Mister Fibeard!

I didn't think we'd find your treasure!

Hey, that kid knows where the treasure is!

Get him!

[crowd clamoring]

[ominous music playing]

Huh? A plank-like cliff.
Well, that's convenient.

Any last words, ye scallywags?

Yes!

That's it. "Yes" was my last word.

I'm a yes man.

Keep it movin'. Keep it movin'.

Please don't k*ll us.

I never wanted your treasure.

I just wanted an A on my report.

[sniffs] I'm sorry.

[crying]

Oh, no, no, no. Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to them!

And say it loud enough

so the people in the back can hear ya.

I'm sorry.

This never would have happened
if we just got rid of oral reports.

They're to blame.

What did you say?

Oh, come on now!

[wind blowing]

Whoa, whoa.

[groans]

All right.

All right.

I didn't prepare
for my oral report because

I was obsessed with a cereal box maze.

And it just consumed me!

So I gave a fake report based
off the treasure map

from the back of my cereal box,

because if I didn't,
I'd fail and end up separated

from my best friend.

[crying]

I never thought the treasure fever
would cause Dirt to devolve into chaos.

So to fix that,
I laid out clues to a fake treasure,

so I wouldn't get caught.

But I did get caught.

And now I'm going to suffer
the consequences.

So before this imaginary
fiber pirate flays me,

I'll take any other questions you may have
about the great treasure hoax of Dirt.

[Max crying]

[on megaphone] What did he say?

[laughing happily]

And that is how you give
a satisfactory oral report.

[gasps dramatically]

Mr. McFly! You're Captain Fibeard?

Turns out James and I
enjoy the same high-fiber cereal.

And as a good teacher,
I had to scare the oral report out of him.

You scared the something out of me.

Um, didn't you quit your job?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I probably should have let
Principal Loudspeaker in on my ruse.

Oh, well.

[gasps] I got an A!

We're staying in the same grade!

-Yay!
-Yeah!

[police officer] Wait.

You made the treasure up?

Just to get a good grade?

Um...

And you knew this was based off
some high-fiber cereal box?

This was all a ruse?

Uh, I was doing it for the children.

To teach them
the importance of oral reports.

Please! We're just children!

Hmm. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, you're good to go.

[James laughing nervously]

Oh, phew!

[Mr. McFly chuckling nervously]

[crowd fanfare]

[James sighs]

Well, I for one sure am glad
everything turned out okay.

[fire faintly crackling]

[Mr. McFly]
No! Get back! Help me! Help me!

[yodeling music playing]

[Max, dramatically]
What?