01x08 - Frankenstunt/What About Blob?

[bunniefuu]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

♪

[SCREAMING]

♪

[BATS SQUEAKING]

[ON MEGAPHONE]
We're burning moonlight
here, monsters.

Chop-chop.

Wow. True artist
at work.

And you,
just standing around.

What are you,
a non-speaking role?

Um, Mr. Scarafino?
That's a plant.

Maybe if you took off
your sunglass?

Take off my sunglass?

[ON MEGAPHONE] Why don't
you take off your face?

Oh, you can't?

You're fired.
[CRYING]

[SWALLOWING]
I love show business.

I know, right?

How awesome is it that
Hank's dad is filming

his new Detective Fistpunch
movie here?

You want a piece of me?

Whoa.

You sound
just like your dad

in Fistpuncher IV:
The Punchening.

You could be an actor,
too, Hank.

Oh, come on, Mavis.

I could never do
what my dad does.

He's a pro.

Ohh! Frankenstein is
in the house.

Now, who's ready
to make some magic?

Hey, Hankie.
Free vanilla scream donuts.

Not bad, eh?
You want a piece of me?

I sure do. [CHEWING]

Okay, here we go, Frank.

[ON MEGAPHONE] Lights,
camera, and action.

[ANGRILY]
You want a piece of me?

Cut. Print.

Moving on. Chop-chop. Ow!

Okay, that's a wrap for me.

Great job, everybody.
See you tomorrow.

HANK: Uh,
where's Dad going?

His big action scene
is coming up.

Ah, try to keep up, kid.
We don't let the stars
do the dangerous stuff.

We leave that
to the schmoes.

Bogdan and Fyodor
reporting

for smashy-smashy
schmo duty.

What?

So, that wasn't Dad
in the coffin-surfing scene

in Monster Wave?

Nope. All gremlins.

Huh. I just can't
believe it.

Everything I knew about
my dad is a lie. [SOBBING]

Wait, Hank.

But, but, what about
these sweet snacks?

Somebody think of
the snacks.

When I ask for a script,
I get a script! Got it?

Uh, Mr. Scarafino?
Here's your script.

Excellent.

I knew I could count on
my new script coordinator.

[GASPS] Sir, I promise
I'm going to be

the best script commander
you ever had.

Meh. Close enough.
Action.

Hank? Hankie?

It's your old man.

HANK: Go away.

Um, Uncle Frank?

I'm sorry to have
to tell you this,

but I don't think
Hank wants to
see you right now.

He's sort of got
a broken heart.

He put it in the dryer again,
didn't he?

No.

He's devastated
because he thought
you did your own stunts.

He thought you were a hero.

He did?

[STUTTERS]
I had no idea my movies
meant so much to him.

Of course they do.
He idolizes you.

So, if Hank is sad

because
I'm not a stunt man,

then I'll just do
my own stunts.

Oh, no, no.
That's not what I meant.

[EXCLAIMING]

Yeah. Yeah,
I'm still in okay shape.

I can totally pull this off.

[BONE CRACKING]
[SCREAMING]

You see?
I'm still a natural.

Come on.
This isn't fun anymore.

FRANKENSTEIN:
Oh, really, kiddo?

I think it'll be a blast.

[GASPS] Dad?

Hey, Hankie.

Your old man really is a hero.

Now, bring on the stunts!

All right. We all agreed
this sh*t is too dangerous

even for our stunt gremlins.

So, we'll use computers
to add Fistpunch in later.

Got it?
What's that, now?

And action!

[SCREAMING]

Ow.

Cut. Great work,
everybody.

FRANKENSTEIN:
[HOARSELY] Little help?

Dad!
Holy rabies.

[YELLS] Ooh.
Thanks, kids.

I think I saw more of me
over by the, uh, bridge,

and the front door, and just,
yeah, pretty much all over.

Sure.
I can totally put him
back together.

I'm great at puzzles.

Um, that sort of looks like

you just squished
all the pieces together

even though
they didn't fit.

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

Works for me.

[SIGHS]
This is all my fault.

Why did I make
such a big deal about
Dad doing stunts?

Come on, Hank.
Your dad blew
himself up for you.

That's pretty cool.

I guess.

What if he can't act
in the movie?

Huh. Oh, wait.

Hank, I have
a great idea.

You could stand in.

You kind of look
like your dad

and you do
an amazing Fistpunch.

What?
That is the opposite
of a great idea.

WENDY: [ON MEGAPHONE]
Fistpunch to the set.

Can I get a 20
on Fistpunch?

[SNORING] Huh?
I guess Frank is not here.

Okay, people.
We're shutting down
production.

The studio will go broke
and Frank will never
work again.

Uh, no.

I'm here.

[CLEARING THROAT]
I'm here.

Uh, Detective Fistpunch
reporting for duty.

Wow, Frank.

You sound so young
and immature.

Hmm. Exactly
what we need

for the flashback to
Fistpunch's childhood.

Mavis? I only know
the one line.

I guess it's lucky
we just happen to have

the new script coordinator
right here, then, isn't it?

Where?

Oh, that's me.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

"You want a piece of me?"

Wow! Nice punch-up, kid.

And action.

[GULPS AND SIGHS]

You want a piece of me?

Hmm.

Uh, cut.

Perfect. Moving on.

Chop-chop.
Time is money...
[SCREAMING]

Wait. That's it?
That's acting?

Yup. It's
the easiest job
in the world.

Literally anyone
can, ahem, do it.

Oh, man.

You saved the day
with that one, Hank.

I bet Dr. Gillman must have
your dad back together by now.
[SCREAMS]

I'll maybe give it
another go.

You think?

Wait. I've got
a movie to make.

They're going to
shut down production.

The studio
will go broke...

Uh, no. No, they won't.

I sort of, uh,
stood in for you.

You stood in for me?

[TEETH CHATTERING]

Genius!

[LAUGHING]
I'm so proud of you, Hank.

It's a perfect plan.

I sort of came up with
the plan, but, uh...

Aw, Dad,
come on, don't.

Sorry, but I'm too proud.

I got to give
my boy some love.

Uh, no, no, Dad.
[LAUGHING]

Your body,
it's going to...

[BOTH EXCLAIM]

Come on, Hank.
You can do this.

You can do this.

That's right, Hank.
You got this in the bag.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[RAPPING]
♪ Y'all know my boy can rhyme

♪ It's your man,
Hankenstein kick it

[RAPPING]
♪ Hankenstein chewing scenery

♪ Like a piece of
well-oiled machinery

♪ I'm going to keep it
in the family

♪ But for some reason
you still want a piece of me

PEDRO:
♪ That's right

HANK:
♪ Now, this is how
the party starts

♪ Uh-huh
♪ I'm fighting ninjas
with my body parts

♪ Get 'em, Hank
♪ I make detective work
a kind of art

♪ While my agent crushes
the craft service cart

PEDRO: ♪ Mmm-hmm.

♪ You want a piece of me

♪ Want a piece of me

BOTH:
♪ You want a piece of me
you want a piece of me ♪

Whoa.

H-Town is not in
at the moment.

Um, H-Town is right
behind you.

[SLURPING]

You know
I can see him, right?

Mavis.
What's up, girlfriend?

What are you working on
right now?

Uh, getting your dad fixed.

Dr. Gillman says
he's almost put him
back together.

[COUGHING]

That is terrible news.

Oh, it's okay. No one can
blame you for getting swept...
Wait. What?

I don't want to give up
being a star.

You get all
this awesome stuff like,
uh, like free robes.

Yeah, those aren't free.

Uh-oh.

WENDY: [ON MEGAPHONE]
Fistpunch to the set for
the big coffin jump stunt.

Hank... I just said Hank,
we're going to pretend
I said Frank...

And we're going
to get him to the set
for the coffin stunt.

No one is stealing
this scene from me.

Not my dad,
not those stunt gremlins.

This is my movie.

Wait, Hank.
This isn't you.

You're right, Mavis.

This is
Detective Fistpunch,

and everybody
wants a piece of me.

[COUGHING]

Let's get my man
another free robe.

Uncle Frank, come quick.
Hank has lost his mind.

I bet he left it on top
of a soda machine.

No. He fired
the stunt guys

and is going to do
the coffin jump himself.

[GASPING] Did you say
the coffin jump?

We've got to stop him!

But I'm not finished
with that ankle,

and you forgot
your lollipop.

Places, everyone.
[ENGINE IDLING]

[MEEKLY] Whoo.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Acting.

Let's do this.
Somebody yell "action."

And action.

[CLICKS]

[STAMMERS]
I can't do this.

I'm so scared.
What was I thinking?

Oh, we're too late!

MAVIS: Not yet.

Hank, stop!

Oh, no.

Dad, what are you do...

Stopping you from making
the biggest mistake
of your afterlife.

I was once
a fresh-faced star,

convinced I could do it all.
But you learn, son.

Stunts hurt. A lot.

Don't do
your own stunts, Hank.

It's bad. Stunts bad.

[GASPS]

[FRANK GRUNTS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SCREAMING]
Put on
your seat belt, Hank.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I'm sorry, Dad.

Don't apologize yet, Hankie.

I think
we're going to make it.

Oh. Actually,
we're not even close.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

The award for best stunt
goes to...

SCARAFINO: What?
[FRANK AND HANK GASP]

Bogdan and Fyodor for
The Littlest Chupacabra?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

No! Ow. Ow.

I thought
you deserved it, son.

I thought
we deserved it, Dad.

Well, at least
Wendy is taking home
some hardware.

MAVIS: Who would've thought
they actually give out awards
for screenwriting?

Mmm-hmm.
That's right.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Any meetings with
Ms. Blob can be made
through my agency,

Pedro in Full
Enterprises.

Hey, can we get
some more free robes

over here or what?
Chop-chop.

[BATS SQUEAKING]

Balloons, Fifi?
How droll.

[GROWLS]

Better.

What's with her?

She's all edgy about
the Meeting of
the Minds convention.

It's, like,
the hotel's biggest event
of the year.

She wants everything perfect.

Ah, I love when
those floating brains visit.

They're so smart.

Maybe they can help me
get out of this. [GRUNTS]

I got you.
[GRUNTING]

Finally.

[EXCLAIMING]

Mr. Stein,
put your hands back on.

Now, get back to work!
[GROWLS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Too much?

[CLUCKS]

Nope. Still don't
see the future.

AUNT LYDIA: Mavis?

Too leafy.
Start again.

Ugh! Ya-cha!

AUNT LYDIA: And Mavis,
that was a pitiful attempt
at "Ugh! Watcha!"

Oh.

Aunt Lydia
is driving me crazy.

This convention
has her so wound up

she is all over me.

AUNT LYDIA: [OVER INTERCOM]
Mavis Dracula to
the front desk, now.

You're not the boss
of me.

Sorry.
You think
you've got problems?

Daddy won't
leave me alone.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

He read your dad's
self-help book,

[MIMICS DRACULA]
Bleh, So You Have
a Daughter, Bleh.

It just told him
to be the cool dad and
just one of the g*ng.

Yeah. That is
definitely not cool.

And can someone burn
all copies of that book
immediately?

He's been following me
everywhere.

This morning he even came
to my jazzercise class.
It was...

Humiliating?
Worse.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

WENDY: He was awesome.

Ugh. Okay, clearly Aunt Lydia
and your dad are a problem.

There's got to be a way
to get them off our backs.

[GRIM REAPER MOANING]

Not what I meant.

[SCOFFS]

Hmm.

Hmm.

Maybe instead of trying
to get rid of them,

we should be trying
to get them together.

Then they could
bug each other
and leave us alone.

Maybe we could arrange
a meeting time for them

to get together
in a romantic setting.

No, that won't work.

But we could set them up
on a date.

I love it.

PEDRO: We couldn't help
but overhear,

but you know we are
expert matchmakers.

Who do you think set up Gordo
with that foxy swamp thing?

[BELCHING]

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
Thanks. But, uh, no offense,
we're teenage girls.

We know everything
about everything.

We've got this...

Totally under control.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

MAVIS: Okay, I'm going
to go this way.

I'll just slime
to the bottom.

You see?

[WENDY SCATTING]

[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

[READING NOTE
IN GIBBERISH]

[GASPS]

Yes.

Okay. I think
he's convinced.

He's going to
ask her on a date.

How'd it go
with Aunt Lydia?

Piece of worm cake.

I just told her your dad
was coming to complain,

and now she's all eager
to see him.

[SNARLING]

But she'll pull out
his windpipe and
show it to his face.

Normally, yes, but
A, he has no windpipe,

and B, you and your dad
have lived in the penthouse
since forever.

He's Hotel Transylvania's
most important guest.

That's true.

[GUITAR STRUMMING]

♪ They say that love

♪ Comes from
the most unexpected places

♪ But who could have guessed

♪ It'd involve these two faces

Eeesh.

BOTH:
♪ But maybe

♪ A lovebird will att*ck

♪ And this happy love

♪ Will get them off
your back ♪

What is your problem?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Flowers?

Uh-oh.

I was under the impression
you were here to complain,

but this feels more like
you're asking me out
on a date.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[LAUGHING]
You and I?

No.

[SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

What letter and tie?
Mavis!

MAVIS: Um, okay, Mr. Blob.
I think it's probably best
you just...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

What? I'm not
a bad influence.

Right, Wendy?
If I told you to jump off
a bridge, would you?

Yeah, don't you remember?
I broke my blob in two places.

Never mind.
Bad example.

Mr. Blob, we put up with
a lot of disgusting
behavior at this hotel...

[BELL RINGING]

But you will not
disparage my niece.

[GASPS]
Is someone recording this?
Please, please say yes.

Mavis is a Dracula,
and as such,

she will command
your respect.

That's so nice.

Mind you, it's tradition.

As a Dracula,
I would defend her

if she were a pus sac
under a corn on my foot.

That's less nice.

But if anyone
is to blame,

it is your daughter.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Yes, I suppose I am saying
you are a bad father.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Fine. Bad riddance!

Leaving
Hotel Transylvania?

Forever?

This is so unfair.

All we wanted to do was
get Aunt Lydia and
your dad off our backs

through trickery
and deception,

and now you're moving
to the Cramptons?

Daddy has
a retreat there.

WENDY: I bet
it's a nightmare.

We've got to find
a way to fix this.

Perhaps we can be
of service.

This is a graham cr*cker.

Yeah.

And it says that in addition
to being matchmakers,

we are also experts
at cleaning up messes.

Okay, fine.

We're desperate enough to
accept even terrible help.

Yes!

[SCOFFS] Dude...
See, this is why we're always
so low on business cards.

WENDY:
Cool blueprints.

Okay. Here's you.

Here's Wendy and her dad.

Here's Aunt Lydia.

Here's their limo
to the Cramptons.

Now, all you got to do
is come up with a plan,

and boom, Wendy stays.

I love it.

That's the plan?

So, in other words,
you have no plan?

Uh, I spent a lot of time
making these blueprints,
you know.

Okay. I've got an idea.

All part of the plan.

Mr. Blob,

he's been Hotel Transylvania's
most important guest for
decades.

Aunt Lydia could never
in a zillion years
afford to lose him.

But 1,700 brains
are checking in for
the Meeting of the Minds.

Aunt Lydia figures
they'll cover the loss
of the Blobs.

That's where we come in.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Aunt Lydia, please
just apologize.

If you do,
I'm sure they'll stay.

Ha. Never.

I say bad riddance
to that blobbermouth.

Soon,
the brains will arrive,
and all will be well.

Um, Aunt Lydia, sir?

Um, someone wiped a booger
on your bedroom door.

Really?

[ROARS]

AUNT LYDIA: Come.

Wendy, come in.

Assemble all the hotel staff
to greet our new guests,

and be sure everyone
is eating a tomato.

You can eat those?

Yes.

Welcome to
Hotel Transylvania.
[BRAINS GASP]

[CHUCKLES] Oh, this?

This is just a mild case
of the 24-hour zombie flu.

You rest assured
it's totally isolated

and not contagious at all.

[ALL GASP]

Tomato!

[ALL SHRIEKING]

[SCREAMING]

Where are you going?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

They're leaving.

Seems like for
whatever reason they
changed their minds.

[LAUGHING]

Get it?
"Minds"?

[LAUGHING]

Not at all.

This is a daydream.

The Meeting of the Minds
is huge business.

Hotel Transylvania
will be ruined.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE CONVERSATION
IN GIBBERISH CONTINUES]

The Cramptons?
What's in the Cramptons?

Whoo-hoo! Ha-ha.

Let's do this.

[FIREWORKS WHISTLING,
EXPLODING]

Whoa.

[BEEPING PHONE OFF]

So, I guess maybe
you need a place
to stay after all.

Ah, very well.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Yes! We did it.

We're staying.

Boom drac-a-lacka!

For once, scamming
the old folks

doesn't blow up
in our faces,

and I said that
out loud, didn't I?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

I'm afraid I have to agree
with my gooey friend here.

We'll need to keep
a much closer eye
on you two.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Come, Mr. Blob.

Diane and I
will help you unpack.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[LYDIA LAUGHING]

At least they finally
left us alone.

Oh.
[WATER SPLASHING]

I look great in hats.

♪