01x14 - Fright of Hand/Dude Where's My Garlic?

[bunniefuu]

[GHOSTLY VOCALIZING]

[RAP b*at PLAYING]

[HARD ROCK PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

[BATS SQUEAKING]

Wow, slow day huh?

[CRASHING]

Seems like we need to
drum up more business, hmm?

Let me guess.
You have another
fang-tastic idea.

Well since you asked.

Parties.
[CLUCKING]

We make Hotel Transylvania
the go-to place

for after-funerals,
anniver-scaries.

We create buzz...
[FLIES BUZZING]

The good kind,
not the swarm-of-locusts kind.

Absolutely not.
I detest parties.

Come on,
how about this?

Let me throw
a sample party,

to prove
I can do it. Huh?

[SIGHS] It would
have to be simple.

A group of monsters
sitting around,
waiting for death,

you know, a party.

Of course, entertainment,
maybe a cake,

definitely a cake.
But that's it.

And someone's birthday
is coming up,

someone who's
totally unimportant
in every conceivable way.

Diane?

[CLUCKING]

It would
get her off my back.

But entertainment?

I've found classy options
for every occasion,

even the boring ones.

AUNT LYDIA:
Octavio the Awesome?

Is he still doing
the tedious
old magic act?

Yes! And he's
totally available,

surprisingly so.

I did my research.

Well then,
throw your test party,
with Octavio.

If you fail, you can scrape
the fungus off Bigfoot's toes

for the next year.

[RETCHING]

[GRUNTING]

How do you do always come up
with the worst punishment?

It's a gift.

But it's not one of
your disgusting
party gifts.

Right this way,
front row seats for
the Beak of Honor.

[CLUCKING] So excited!

[CHATTERING]

Festive decorations, Mavis.

Yeah, they really make me
look forward to my funeral.

Exactly!
Enjoy the show!

I highly doubt it.

[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS] Thank you!

I'm your host, Pedro.

And this is Diane:
A Night of Celebration.

How's everyone doing?
Anyone here from the grave?

[GROWLING]

The warm-up acts
are ready to go.

And Octavio the Awesome
should arrive
any second now.

It's going so well.
I can practically
taste the cake.

Quasi's whipping
the scream cheese frosting
as we speak.

[SCREAMING]

Looks at him.
And he says

"Sir, that's no sarcophagus.
That's the toilet!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

Wonderful!

[TICKING]

Being a doctor is tough.

Last week, patient comes in
with a cough.

So, I run some tests.

Now I've got to schlep
all the way to his swamp

to tell him he's got
six months to live.

There go my dinner plans!

[GARY COUGHING]

Gary? I was just
talking about you!

What? I have six months
to live?

Nah, I didn't want my act
to be a downer.

You have two months
to live!

[ALL LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

Is there anything funnier

than a monster's
impending doom?

Aww, look at Aunt Lydia.

We are going to host
so many parties.

I think someone's in line
for a promotion.

That's my time!
Good night!

And good luck, Gary.
[APPLAUSE]

Wait a sec.
Where's that Octavio?
If he doesn't show...

Mavis! Octavio
the Awesomely Late
is here!

Yes! Better late
than severed!

Octavio, welcome!
At last!
[GASPS]

Sorry, I had trouble
with the map.

Well you're here now.

And everyone is so,
so eager to see
your act!

Great! I'll open with the old
ear-behind-the-ear trick.

Whoops! Sorry, I get clumsy
when I'm nervous.

And I'm always nervous.

And I'm starting to get

why my Aunt Lydia
insisted I book you.

Thanks, Lydia.

Lydia Dracula?

Oh, she hated my act
so much,

she wrote a blood letter
to Entertainment Shriekly.

"Octavio the Awful",
she said.

I can't go in there.
I won't! You can't make me!

Wait! No!

Now what? I told everyone
we'd have a magician.

And maybe we still do.

Time for some magic wagic!

Uh, forget I said that.

Magic for Beginners,
chapter one.

Show time!
[GASPS]

Good luck, Mavis!

[CHUCKLING] Okay,

is this
a great party or what?
Whoo-hoo!

[GRUNTING]

Where is Octavio the Awesome?

Uh, a magician never reveals
his secrets.

Maybe he's already here.
Can you feel it in the air?

You mean
your impending failure?

No, I'm talking about
magic time!

[FINGERS TAPPING]

[GULPS] Oh, it's hot
up here.

I'll just, uh...

[BARKING]

Oh, uh, ta-da!

[SCREAMING]

[CHEERING]

Thank you. Thank you.

For my next trick,
I need a volunteer.

[CLUCKING] Me!

All right,
let's hear it for Diane!

[ALL CHEERING]

I am going to make
our Beak of Honor disappear!

[ALL EXCLAIM]

[CLUCKING]

Okay, slippity sloppy,
hoppity hey,

disappear now! Go away!

[LAUGHING]
Mildly impressive.

It worked.

Uh... I mean,
now to make her reappear.

Swirly, curly,
the other way,

return to us
right now. Okay?

[MAVIS CLEARING THROAT]

Nosfarutu, nosferack,
come on home now!
Hurry back!

Holy rabies.

And now
for a totally planned
magician's intermission.

In my absence,
please enjoy Hank
and his famous impressions!

[APPLAUSE]
[CLEARING THROAT]

Velcome to my hotel!

It's Dracula!
He's doing
my dopey brother!

Blah, blah, blah!

[LAUGHING]

I made Diane disappear!

We know. Awesome!

No, I really
made her disappear!

I have to get her back
before Quasi brings out
the cake

or I'm going to be
waist-deep in fungal
toe jam!

It won't come off!

[RETCHING]

Ew.
Yum.

What did you do exactly?

I just waved the wand,
like this.

No! Where'd they all go?

Hello?

[SING-SONG] Hello?

What is this place?

It's not so bad,

once you get used
to all the running.

Sorry, "Running"?

[LOUD THUMPING]
[DIANE CLUCKING]

[CLUCKING]
WENDY: Ah!

[DIANE CLUCKING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]

Oh, my gosh, you guys,
holy rabies!

[LAUGHING]
That is Mavis to a "T"!

And then there's Lydia...

[GROWLS]

Uh, who is super terrifying
and scary.

And let's leave it at that.

That's pretty on point,
actually.

[GROANING]
[GROWLING]

Quasi is nearly finished
the cake? [GROANS]

First time I've ever
dreaded dessert!

I got to find Octavio.
But how?

Take me to your owner!
Go to your magician!

Returnio Octavio?

Ah!

[SOBBING]

[GRUNTING]

Octavio, thank darkness!
I need your help!

Your wand
made my friends disappear,
and Diane!

Help you?
You took my wand!

You dropped it!

I need my wand back!

I need my friends back,
and Diane!

You want your wand?
Come and get it!
Whoa!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Where am I?

Wendy? Pedro?

BOTH: Mavis! Run!

[CLUCKING]

[GASPS]

[CLUCKING]

[GRUNTING]

Give me back my wand!

First, tell me
how we get out!

Fine, just reverse
the swirl!

I tried that!

[STAMMERS] What?
But it's the only fix I know!

Oh, your aunt's right.
I'm awful.

[SOBBING]

No, come on, don't.

I just hope she hasn't
caught on yet.

[ALL LAUGHING]

We're dying over here!

MAVIS: There's got to be
a false bottom
in this cauldron.

The false bottom
would work,

except you moved
the cauldron.

That locks it up!

[GASPS] But how do we
move it back?

[GRUNTING]

MAVIS: Run!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[DIANE CLUCKING]

Wendy's Dad, Mr. Blob,
explaining the Big Bang.

[BABBLING]

[IMITATES expl*si*n]

[LAUGHING]

Stop! Stop!

My mouth isn't used
to this upturned shape!

[LAUGHING]
Bring back Diane already.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

Ta-da!

[LAUGHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

[SING-SONG]
Just like I planned it!

Oh, Diane,
I was so worried...

[CLUCKING]

Is what someone who cared
might say.

[CLUCKING]

Mavis, I must admit
you even made that hack
look good.

Aw, thank you!

You... You think I'm a hack?

Whoo-hoo!

I want a new magic show
every week!

Yeah-ha-ha!

[CLUCKING]

[ALL SCREAMING]
You're k*lling me!

[LAUGHING]

[BATS SQUEAKING]

[WOLF HOWLING]

b*ating artichoke hearts,
yes...

[HEARTS b*ating]

Gargoyled eggs...

[EGGS SQUEALING]

Chocolate-covered eyeballs.

HANK: I got eyeballs
on the chocolate-covered
eyeballs.

[GRUNTING]

[GASPING]

What is this?

Garlic seeds?

[GASPING]

How could you
mess this up again?

If we're caught,
Lydia will skin us alive,
and then dead!

[GROWLING]

Oh, sure, no big deal
for you, but for me, it's...

AUNT LYDIA: Quasimodo,
where is my breakfast?

[SHRIEKS]

Okay, you wait for me
in the spice t*rture rack.

Saperlipopette!

Did he say "Garlic seeds"?

The garlic patch said
"Come play with us."

And the little vampire
was tempted.

She disobeyed
the shrunken heads,

who said
"Girl, don't go there."

She even ignored
her papa,

who said
"Under no circumstances,

are you to look at,
touch or think
about garlic."

[GASPS]
I said don't touch!

What happened next
to the vampire?

Next? Um, terrible, horrible,
oh, unspeakable things.

I can't even talk about them,
they're so bad.

Now, scary dreams,
my little pus dumpling!

Wow. I've never even
seen garlic before.

I got to get a closer look!

No!
Stop!

Mavis!
You can't go near garlic!

So they say.
But what really happens?

I bet it's all a myth,

perpetuated by
the garlic farmers.

You know how those weirdos
can be.

Nope.
Not really.

That's literally
just your thing, dude.

But just in case
it's not a myth,

I nominate Pedro
to get the bag.

[SCOFFS] Ain't no thing
for a non-vamp.

Ah!

[LAUGHING]

You should see your faces,

all eyes bugging,
mean mugging.

Come on,
y'all got to... Ah!

Ah!

[GASPING] I can't breathe.

Because you're
not breathing.

Oh. [SIGHING]

Don't worry.
Garlic doesn't do anything
to non-vampires.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure
we just proved

garlic seeds
don't do anything
to vampires either.

Look at me.

[HUMMING]

So, maybe garlic
just makes them
dance horribly?

'Kay, we better
put this back

before Quasi finds out
we were in here.

On it!

[SLURPING]

[GRUNTING]

And that's the end of that!

What's that?

[GROWLING]
[SNIFFING]

It couldn't be.
It wouldn't dare.

[SCREAMING]

It is!
You! Pick the sprout!

[GROWLING]

[STAMMERS] Garlic!

[SCREAMING]

[SOBBING]

"Hotel Transylvania
is to remain closed

"while under
garlic decontamination"?

"Closed"? What if we didn't
clean up all those seeds?

If my Dad finds out
I single-handedly
shut down the hotel,

he'll never let me be
in charge.

Man, you'll be lucky
to be assistant to

the Chief Yeti
Tongue Scraper.

Hey, job's already taken.

Well, I, for un,

am relieved
the hotel is closed.

'Cause we all know
what happens to vampires

exposed to garlic, right?

You know, Aunt Lydia,

maybe nothing happens
to vampires?

I've heard the seeds
don't do anything.

Well, of course,
the seeds don't.

[SIGHING]

But once they're
full grown...

[STAMMERS] What?

Horrible, unspeakable things.

Think of the worst thing ever
and multiply it by terrible.

Then you're close.

Dying of hunger
while being scrubbed clean
in a bath?

Even worse.

But it's not as bad
as what's going to happen
to the traitor

who brought garlic
into my hotel.

[GASPING]

How will you ever discover
who did it, huh?

It seems impossible.

[LAUGHING]

The Cerberus
is on the case.

[GROWLING]

It'll sniff out
the garlic source,

which'll have
the culprit's scent.

So, if the hotel's
on lock down,

where are we
supposed to sleep?

[ENGINE STARTING]
Look!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Looks like they'll be gone
for weeks.

Who's ready for
a Dracula sleepover party?

[GROWLING]

[MEOWING]

Huh?

[SCREAMING]

[SNORING]

[ALL SNORING]

AUNT LYDIA:
Off with their heads!

[CONTINUES SNORING]

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]
[SNORING]

[WHIMPERING]

Wendy? Hey, Wendy?
Wake up.

Fire mouth!
[BOWL CLATTERS]

Morning!

I need help.

I got to sneak back
and grab that bag of seeds

before anyone
finds my prints on it
and I'm sunk.

Imagine, the daughter of
Count Dracula,
caught with garlic.

Now who's with me?

Uh...
We'll guard the tub.
[SNORES]

I think it's time for
a homemade hazmat makeover!

WENDY: Sweet.

Protects against
garlic att*ck.

[SNIFFS] I can't smell
or hear anything!

Shh!
Mavis did it!

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

I tip, zen I toe.

I tip. I toe. I tip. I toe.
I tip, toe.

[GROWLING]

Tip toe, tip toe,
tip toe, tip toe.

Ze key
is to not wear any socks.

The kitchen? Good idea!

Evidence?
What evidence, Lydia?

[LAUGHING]

Bravo, me.

[GROWLING]

[WHISPERING] How do we
get past the Cerberus?

[LOUDLY] What?
The Cerberus!

[GROWLING]

Run!

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING]

WENDY: And stay out!

[GRUNTS] That's better.
I can hear now.

[GASPS] It's gone!

Look! Sock-less tippy-toe
footprints!

MAVIS: The incinerator!

Ah! They're still there!

Say, Wendy,
how are you with heat?

Almost, almost.

[GRUNTING] Hey, my gum!

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]
[CLATTERING]

Quasi! What are you
doing here?

Oh, hello.

Uh, visiting the hall
of mirrors,

you know, no crowds for
the decontamination, so...

What are you... Zut alors!
Ze garlic seeds!

[GASPS] Wendy!
You still have them?

[LOUD STOMPING]
Uh-oh! Run!

You're getting good
at saying that.

[GRUNTING]

Your helmet's off!
You're exposed!

[GASPING]

The garlic smell, it's real!
It burns! Make it stop!

[SNIFFS] Can't smell garlic,
thanks, Wendy!

[GROWLING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

MAVIS: Wendy, get rid of
the garlic!

Okay, bye-bye, seeds!

Ahem.
I, uh, what?

Oh, wow, where am I?
Sleepwalking, am I right?

[SNIFFING]
Do I smell garlic?

Uh, no.

Besides, I exposed myself.
And nothing happened.

It just burns your nostrils
a bit, big whoop.

I don't believe it.

Well, if I had garlic,
I could prove it.

Oh, you mean like this?

[SCREAMING]

Wendy, why would you
keep that?

Um, hello? It's a keepsake
from our adventure!

Okay, fine, I'll prove it.

[GASPING]

[CHUCKLING] See?
Just a bunch of rubbish.

[SCREAMING]

It's in my mouth!
Is it in my mouth?
It's in my mouth!

[SCREAMING]

UNCLE GENE:
What's happening?

Nothing. [CHUCKLES]
Nothing is happening.

Maybe when it's
second-hand...

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

Ooh!

[SNEEZING]

[BEEPING]

[CREATURES CLAMORING]

[SCREAMING]

[WHIMPERS]

[COUGHING]

Several fiery months later...

When you think about it,
it's almost funny

we all ended up quarantined
to the Cerberus pit.

Yes. It's hilarious.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]