01x12 - The Mommy and the Swami

[bunniefuu]

Look, I made a "welcome maddie" sign.

Oh yeah, I guess I do see maddie's name.

If I squint really hard.


- Zack: Is maddie here yet?
- No, she's not.

And, Zack, you smell different.

Almost good.

Well, since maddie's coming, I went a little wild with the hygiene.

Is that cologne? Aftershave? Soap.

That stuff actually works.

Maddie will never let go of me.

Ugh, it depends on what's in that sandwich.

Who knows? I just pulled it out of my underwear drawer.

You know, I'm surprised maddie could afford a vacation like this.

London's always telling me how tragically poor she is.

Well, she saved up her babysitting money.

And her candy counter tips.

And all the change from between her couch cushions and finally had enough money.

For the bus ticket to the airport.

So I paid for her flight to meet us.

Coach, of course.

Wouldn't want her to feel out of place.

She's coming.

Maddie's coming.

Oh, I see maddie, maddie, maddie, maddie.

My friend maddie is coming, hey What I was saying was that I think I saw Madeline on the gangplank.

Ooh! I'm gonna take maddie shopping right away.

No, you're not.

I'm gonna take her to dinner.

After I take her to the ship's planetarium.

( Angry voices overlapping ) I'm here.

( Yelling continues ) Hello? Zack? Look, why don't we give her a chance to relax and unpack? Unpack what? She can't afford luggage.

Why don't you guys just flip a coin? Moseby: Okay, excellent idea.


- Wait, who has a coin?
- I do.

Wonderful.

Thank you, maddie.

All: Maddie! London, it's so good to see you.

And Mr.

moseby, rockin' the knee socks.

And I have a crest.

I see.

And Cody, no sweater vest? Oh, maddie, that was the old Cody.

You're looking at the new cool Cody.

Ow.

Sorry, that was my astronaut pen.

Light.

And you must be Bailey, London's roommate.

Did she give you any space for your clothes? I just got upgraded from a nail to a hook.

Nice.

Hey, sweet thing.


- How about some sugar?
- Come here.

I think I'll pass.

For future reference, you probably shouldn't store food with underpants.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Wow.

This is cute.

But not much closet space.

You must've gotten rid of a lot of stuff.

Nope.

I've a shoe submarine that follows the ship.

Wow.

Anyway, this is my big beautiful bed, and that's where you'll be sleeping.

But that's my bed.

Bailey, we have a guest.

Don't be so selfish.

Oh, don't worry.

I brought a bed from home.

Told you she's poor.

She sleeps on a raft.

London, they make very comfortable inflatable mattresses these days.

They do.

But this happens to be a raft.

I'm so excited To be on a cruise Going to lichtenstamp To see castles Whoa, getting lightheaded.

Here, give it to me.

Bailey, blow.

Sure.

I've got strong lungs.

During the big frost of '06, my sisters and I blew on the crops to keep them warm.

( Pants ) No way.

When our electricity got cut off, my sisters and I used to blow
-dry each other's hair.

Literally.

( Pants ) That is so funny.

Well
-well, one time
-
- one time, yeah, my blow
-dryer broke, and I had to buy a hair salon.

( Pants ) This is the most amazing castle I've ever been in.

Actually, it's the only castle I've ever been in.

My castles are way nicer than this dump.

Cody, why are you carrying around that toilet paper? It's not toilet paper.

It's an authentic replica of the scroll of lichtenstamp I bought in ye olde gift shoppe.

Then why is it perforated every five inches? I wondered why it was two
-ply.

But it's still packed full of information.

For example, when meeting a member of the royal family, one must bow, stand on one foot, arms spread, and coo.

Coo.

Coo.

Yeah, cuckoo.

It's in the scroll.

Whoa, nice coat of arms.

Speaking of arms, I sure could use that hello hug and kiss right about now.

Oh, okay.

( Blares ) Hear ye, hear ye.

I bring a message from the prince of lichtenstamp.

And who are you? I am the prince's herald Harold.

Herald the Harold.

Get it? Yes, yes, I'm a herald named Harold.

My brother Taylor is a tailor.

It's very funny.

Heh
-heh
-heh.

Anyhoo, I'm here to announce that his royal highness spotted you from his tower, and was taken with your beauty.

Well, not a surprise, but still, I'm honored.

Not you
-
- her.

Me? The prince thinks I look beautiful? Well, that must be one tall tower.

He is so smitten that he has requested that you be his date for tomorrow night's royal reception.

Yes! Absolutely, positively, a thousand times yes.

Are you sure? I mean, you haven't even met him yet.

Hello? He's a prince.

I'll be there even if he's in frog form.

Splendid.

And you can bring your friends.

What friends? Sorry.

Prince on the brain.


- This dress is so you.


- ( Sputters ) What the feathers? I don't think this dress is anyone.

That is a genuine Arturo vitalli.

It's the only one you'll ever see.

Why, did the others fly South for the winter? Fine.

I am done helping you people.

By the way, don't wear that dress during hunting season.

Well, I guess I'm stuck with the feathers.

Not necessarily.

My first palace party.

Oh, and thank you for informing me about the proper lichtenstampian court attire.

No problem.

We wouldn't want to stick out.

No.

You look great.

Ready? Splendid.

The court jesters are here.

Cody, how come we're the only ones wearing tights? I don't know.

According to the scroll
-
- oh, you mean the toilet paper?
- Give me that!
- Oh, no, no, no.

Moseby: Give me that! Hear me, hear me! London tipton has arrived.

Honk your horn, Harry.

( Bleats ) Is maddie here yet? I want to give her this flower.

I need to step up my game.

Good luck.

I'm sure she'd rather date a prince than some kid who just used soap for the first time.

Look, "Frodo" Maddie doesn't know that was the first time.

Yes, she does.

We all do.

We were going to have an intervention on Tuesday.

It is with great pleasure that I introduce his royal highness' companion for the evening.

The lovely Madeline Fitzpatrick.

( Fanfare plays ) ( Audience sighs ) Hiya.

I told you you'd look beautiful.

Thanks to you.

Maddie.

Compliments of the prince.

Thank you.

You look beautiful.

The prince is a really lucky guy.

Aw, Zack.

( Fanfare plays ) My prince is coming! Out of my way! Hear ye, hear ye.

It is with great honor that I present
-
-
- coo.


- Oh, would you stop? Oh, sorry.

I didn't mean to.

Defender of men, vanquisher of enemies, drinker of lion's blood, his royal highness prince Jeffy.

( Fanfare plays ) Hello, sweet cheeks.

( Groans ) Ugh You're supposed to curtsy.

Yeah, that way you can look your date in the eye.

So, ready to get freak
-ay on the dance floor? Excuse me? I'll teach you the lichtenstamp stomp.

It's very similar to the pee
-pee dance.

( Chamber music plays ) Oh, I am not doing that one.

Ah, poor maddie.

How incredibly humiliating for her.

This was supposed to be her cinderella moment.

Instead, it's like snow white with one dwarf.

Yeah
-
- "shorty.

" You're funny.

You're funny.

Come on, let's go sit down.

Well, here's the good news.

These people are laughing at maddie and not at us.

No, they're still laughing at you.

In fact, they're lined up to take a picture with you.

No, no, no.

Absolutely not.

Wow.

10,000 flornics.

That's wonderful.

Don't get too excited.

A decent bagel around here will cost you 20,000.

You're very light on your feet.

Yeah, well, you're very heavy on mine.

Uh
-oh.

Potty break.

Don't go anywhere.

You know, this vacation is actually turning out worse than the time my family of and drove 2,000 Miles to see the big canyon.

You mean the grand canyon? I wish.

It's not so bad.

One day, you'll look back at this and laugh.

Or you could laugh now.

Like me.

Look, maddie, another prince fell short of your expectations
-
- short! Good one! Well, anyway You know, the night is still young
-
- young! Good one! Wanna dance? Dance! Good one! Oh, wait.

Hey! Hands off the royal babe.

Maddie, this has been the most wonderful evening of my life.

And to commemorate it Wow.

A bouncy ball.

You know, normally you have to buy a piece of gum to get a gift this great.

Your highness, the queen has informed me that it is past your bedtime.

I don't want to go to bed! Well, if you come now, maybe your date will read you a bedtime story.

Okay.

You know, whenever I pictured this night, I always thought the prince would be carrying me off.

So, how did the rest of your evening go with "shrimp charming"? Like every other fairy
-tale ending.

I helped him with his long division, and then he napped happily ever after.

Don't worry, maddie.

Your prince is still out there somewhere.

I just hope he shaves.

He does.

I'm already getting my mid
-September shadow.

But don't let that stop you from finally giving me my hello hug and kiss.

All right.

Come here, sweet thang.

( Tooting ) Do you have to blow that thing every time you announce something? Yes.

Best part of the job.

I have a royal declaration for you from his highness prince Jeffy.

He demands your hand in marriage.

Marriage? He's eight! And three quarters.

I refuse to marry him.

You should've thought about that before you accepted the royal sphere of eternal commitment.

I never accepted any special sphere.

Ah, yes you did.

The rubber bouncy ball.

By accepting it, you are now betrothed to him.

I don't want that stupid ball.

He can have it back.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

He officially declared "tap
-tap, no give back.

" Ooh, that's serious.

There's no mention of any sphere in this scroll.

It is clearly stated in section three, subsection one.

I don't see it.

Ooh, yeah.

I may have used that subsection to wipe my subsection.

( All groan ) Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Do not worry, Madeline.

There will be no wedding.

It's not like he can stop the ship from leaving.

( Loud boom ) Incoming! ( Object whistling ) ( Distant splash ) Looks like somebody used his tooth fairy money to buy a Cannon.

I can't believe I'm being forced to marry a child prince at gunpoint.

More like Cannon
-point.

For your wedding I'm buying you a sterling silver pail and shovel set.

It comes with matching beach blankies.

Not helping, London.

I'm buying her a nice gift.

I'm her maid of honor.

You are not my maid of honor.

The way you've treated me, I'd sooner choose Bailey.

( Gasps ) I will not disappoint you, maddie.

I'll throw you a traditional kettle corn bachelorette party.

Do you prefer banjos or washboard?
- Go for banjos.


- I'm not getting married here, people.

Maddie, we think we found a way to get you out of this marriage.

Cody, read the toilet paper.

"Any other suitor, even a worthless peasant" That would be me.

"Can challenge the prince to a duel for his betrothed.

The woman goes to the winner.

" "The woman goes to the winner"? How sexist.

I am not some prize to be won or lost.

Well, your only other option is to marry the royal runt.

I'm down with the duel.

Ooh.

( Music plays softly ) Let's get this started! We have to be done by 7:00.

I can not miss an episode of "stinky and the bean.

" ( "Wedding march" plays ) Girls, stop it! Did you get through to the embassy? Yes.

Sadly, they have no jurisdiction here.

However, they are sending you a salad spinner.

My future husband won't touch anything green.

Besides his boogers.

Don't worry, Madeline.

Zack will save the day.

Yeah.

I can't believe I just said that.

Boy, I can't wait till our honeymoon.

Two weeks, you and me, splish
-splash water park.

Yippee.

Royal subjects, visiting dignitaries, others We are gathered here to celebrate the union of his majesty prince Jeffy And lady Madeline Margaret Genevieve Miranda Katherine Fitzpatrick.

Now, before we start, does anyone object to this marriage?
- Mm
-hmm.


- Oh, besides you.


- I object!
- ( All gasp ) I challenge thee to a duel for the maiden's heart.

And the rest of her.

Aw, but I don't wanna duel! You have to.

It's written in the toilet paper.

Because he was challenged, prince Jeffy will select the method of duel.

Pick your punishment, puny prince.

I'm taking your woman and your lunch money.

I choose the joust.

That's not fair.

The only horse I ever rode, I had to put a quarter in his head.

Whereas the prince probably has years of equestrian training.

Whoo
-hoo! Bouncy! Yeah, on a ball.

Sir, your steed.

Cool.

I'm gonna name you "lightning.

" And your weapons
-
- pool noodles.

Aw, how come he gets the blue one? Jousters to the ready.

Three points takes the maiden.

I can't believe I have to do this.

And joust! ( Crowd cheers ) Come on, Zack! Bounce him into next week! Prepare to eat styrofoam.

You're going down, diaper dork.

( Crowd moans ) Well, you could knock me over with a
-
- styrofoam noodle? Yes, he did.

Point, prince Jeffy! Okay, don't worry.

It's just the first round.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Right.

"Hey, mom, hey dad.

I'm not coming home.

I'm spending the rest of my life raising my husband.

" I own you, short stack.

Oh, it's go time now, punk.

Oh, it better be.

And joust! Give him a noodle to the noodle! Yes! Guests: Ooh
-hh! Second point, prince Jeffy.

( Growls ) Zack, what are you doing? It's two
-nothing.

One more point, and we'll be tying a "just married" sign to the back of Jeffy's tricycle.

Well, I'm trying my best, but that little royal pain in the butt knows his way around a noodle.

Okay, new plan.

Run! ( Clangs ) New
-new plan.

Zack, win.

What am I going to do? I mean, I'm not just gonna get mad jousting skills.

Zack, I believe in you.

Now go get him, tiger.

And joust.

I can't tell you how many times I wished I could've done that to the little twit.

All right.

Point, challenger.

Oh.

( Growls ) ( Guests cheering ) Yeah! All right, I'm gonna need another kiss for round four.

Forget it! I surrender! ( Crying ) Mommy! Wow, Zack.

Who knew you'd turn out to be my knight in shining armor? Well, I did.

And I always knew you'd be my princess.

Now what say we ride my trusty steed into the sunset? It would be my honor.

Lady Madeline, I just received word that prince Jeffy's brother prince Timmy has seen your picture, and wishes to invite you on a date.

Now way! Giddy
-up, horsie.

I'm sorry, your highness.

She wasn't interested.

I am.

Hello, prince dreamy.