03x03 - So You Think You Can Date?

[bunniefuu]

Attention, dudes and dudettes, I have a most excellent announcement.

This Friday we're gonna celebrate the '8os! Oooh, Happy Birthday, miss tutweiller! I meant the 198os When I was your age and had so many hopes and dreams.

Anyway, we're gonna have a dance.

And I have already got all the decorations.


- Where'd you dig up all that junk?
- From my bedroom.

Now I need three volunteers to sign up for the dance committee.

Ah, the sign
-up sheet is all filled out, miss tutweiller.


- Oh.


- Hehe.


-
-
- Oh, Woody! Uh
-huh.

Huh? I can't believe you signed up for grindage, Mondo decor and Ralph patrol.

In English, please.

Oh, food, decorations and clean up.

The '8os just made it to kettlecorn last year.

So did the Internet.

So, Cody, since you're not going to the dance this weekend, I need you to write up my history paper.

It's on Julius Caesar salad.

First of all, Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor, Not a leafy side dish.

And second, What makes you think I'm not going to the dance? You can't exactly show up solo after your breakup.

And it's not like girls are b*ating down your door Unless they're on the inside trying to escape.

Look, I know I'm a little out of dating practice, But once girls know I'm available, they'll be lining up.

Yeah, they'll swarm you like bears to honey.

The phrase is bees to honey.

Right, but I'm picturing the kind of girl you'll attract: Big, hairy and eats out of garbage cans.

Are you guys talking about me? Ugh, this dance is gonna be With a capital Don't help me here.

I think it might be kind of fun.

Whatever.

Anyways, while you're home alone that night I need you to write my paper on Julius Caesar's palace.

Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor, not a casino.

And actually I was planning on going to the dance.

By yourself? After a breakup? That doesn't spell loser with a capital Okay, help me here.

What makes you think I'm going alone? You scraped the bottom of the barrel with Cody.

I mean, the only thing left is the actual barrel.

I can so get a date! Back in kettlecorn I had many gentlemen callers.

Were they calling you to fix their tractor? Maybe.

I hereby call this first meeting Of the flashback to the '8os dance committee to order.

First item of business, roll call.

Woody fink.

Here.

I'm the only one here.

Sorry to interrupt.

The chair recognizes Mr.

Moseby.

I'm afraid the sky deck has been double
-booked for this Friday.

You'll have to reschedule your dance.

I can't! We've already handed out flyers.

And besides, you can't just barge in here And tell me to cancel my party.

I didn't barge.

I was recognized.

Point taken.

But under no circumstances Will I disappoint my students.

They are already bursting with excitement.

Sold! The other event happens to be my renaissance dance For the teenage passengers
- who are genuinely thrilled.

Yes, I'm sure.

Nothing says "let's party" Like beheadings, pestilence, Bubonic plague whoo
-hoo! That will scare away less people Than your "spinsters just wanna have fun" look.

Oh, I doubt that! Just change your date!
- And lose my deposit on the minstrels?
- I thinketh not.


- I don't care what you thinketh.

Well, I thinketh you stinketh!
- Come on.


-
-
- Come on! There's gotta be a compromise here.

Why not just share the sky deck? All right.

Fine! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a mutton tasting.


- What's mutton?
- Tough old sheep meat.

I'm there.

Hey there.

I notice you're drinking a pomegranate punch.

Did you know that the rind of the pomegranate Is often used as a remedy for diarrhea, Dysentery and other intestinal parasites? Are you going to get a pad to write that down? Now if you turn to page 14, You'll see that I'm a great conversationalist In over six languages, including the khoisan clicking language of Namibia.

Oh
-hhh, wow.

What a I can't wait for this dance to be over.

Miss tutweiller saved everything she ever owned from the '8os Including her old leg warmers.

Wow, someone had cankles.

So you got a date for the dance yet? Oh Well, of course I've got a date.

It was hard to pick just one, But sometimes you've got to break a few hearts to make an omelet.

That tastes like hearts.

So who are you taking? Oh, you don't know her, but she is just fantastic.

Really? What's she like? Uh, well, uh What isn't she like? She Has got hair that, uh, flows Right out of her head.

And, um, eyes.

Two of them.

Right above her nose.

Just the way I like them.

Well, I have a great date for the dance too.

Yeah, he's got shoulders Right near his neck.

And a chin! I mean, right below his mouth, Just where you want it to be.

Wow.

Both your dates sound so Anatomically correct.

I look forward to meeting her.

And me he.

So then I told her I had a date a good one too, with hair and everything.


- But I lied.


- You're going with a bald girl?! If only.

Ugh.

I got nothing.

Ah, then it's your lucky day For I have a bevy of babes on speed dial.

Now let's see tall blondes, Bodacious brunettes, spunky redheads.

Ah, here we go pity dates.

No, I need someone great.

Bailey's going to show up to the dance with this Hunky jock of a guy with shoulders right below his neck, And I'm striking out.

Because you're swinging too hard.

Girls can smell insecurity a mile away.

And you reek of desperation and Baby powder? I have prickly heat.

Okay, yo diaper rash aside, Your bigger problem is you're too nice.

You have to act like me.

Girls love the whole bad
-boy thing I've got going on.

Well, maybe that works for you, But I choose to believe girls respond to charm And sensitivity and, well, Someone who's not afraid to cry.

You really are the sister I never wanted.

So I told Cody I d a date A great one, with a chin and everything.

I'll look like a total loser if I don't show up with a hunk.


- Hunk of what?
- Guy.

Why can't I get one to ask me out? Cause you scare them away with your smarticles.

I know this may be hard to believe, But sometimes I act dumb to get a guy.

No
-ooo.

Oh, I haven't felt this nostalgic since The '8os movie marathon in my cabin Friday night.

Oh, sorry I missed it.

But I heard your cats gave it 40 cws up.

Hello! Hello hello hello I love doing that! Hey, I thought we said we were going to share the sky deck.

Oh, we did! And I saved a cozy little spot for you Back under the staircase.

We'll just see about that.

Hey, easy! I had that flown in from tipton castle.

It was for king Arthur's knights of the round table.

It was for the kids' table.

Why do you care so much about your druids and demons dorkdom? Who cares that none of those stuck up girls Would go to the dance with us?! This is way cooler.

[ Sobs ]

who am I kidding? I'm gointo spend the rest of my life stuck in a basement with you losers! I just do, okay?! I mean, why do you care so much about your moldy oldie '8os throwback? Wait, what do you mean you're not taking me to the dance? But but you promised, And I told everybody I had a date! You're the worst cousin ever! I'm not sitting next to you at Thanksgiving! No, I do not eat all the stuffing! None of your bees
-wacks.

Uh, beeswax! Oh, just take the stuff down so I can start decorating.


- Over my dead body.


- That can be arranged! [ Shrieks ]

Freedo Where's the beef? Yah! Stop it! You're both acting like spoiled brats.


- Are not!
- She started it!
- He said he was gonna share.


- That's it! New plan we're gonna split the sky deck right down the mide.

Then the kids can decide if they want to come as creepy medieval nerds, Or pathetic '8os geeks.

Hurtful.

Okay, sounds like a plan.

I'll make sure to call you When I'm the last man on the planet.

Your loss, weinblatt
-comma
-suzy.

Next up, yankovic
-comma
-cissy.

What are you doing on my shoulder? Trying to get you a date! And get a little dog poop off my shoe.

Look, if you blow it with cissy yankovic, The last girl on that list is Zelda Zzyzx And she's got a unibrow that wraps around her head like a sweatband.


- You make a good point.


- So Be me.

Be the bad boy.

Don't ask cissy out, tell her you're going out.

Okay, you're right.

Hello
-oo? No, knock on the door like you're not afraid to break a nail.

Yo, cissy! Cody?
- You, me, the dance tomorrow night.


- Wear something pretty.


- Um Don't give her a choice.

Say you'll see her at 7:00 then wink.

See you at 7:00 then wink.

Don't say wink! You wink with your eye.

Wink! Is there something in your eye? Just an eyeful of your lusciousness.

Just an eyeful of your lusciousness.

Okay, see you at 7:00.

Hi, I'm Bailey.

I was just sitting over there Writing my paper on comparative feminist literature And wondering what is it about our patriarchal society That perpetuates the ridiculous belief That the male has to make the first move.

Well, you got him to make a move In the other direction! London, what are you doing on my shoulder? Trying to ignore the fact that I'm standing on polyester And trying to help you get a date.

Okay okay, what do I do? Like I told you, smarten up and act dumb, sister! Oooh, there's a cute guy.

Now bat your eyes and flip your hair.

Good good, he noticed you.

Now look away and when you turn back, Have a vacant look in your eye.

I said vacant, not zombie! You know, Bailey, I never really noticed, But when you're not busy bla h
-blah
-blahing, You're kind of cute.

Give him a Tee hee hee.

Okay, we'll need to work on that.

You wanna go to the dance tonight? Quick, flip twice for yes! Great, see you at 7:00.


- Oh!
- Yay you! Yay! I have a date! Your "dumb" lessons really worked! See? You should spend more time with me And less with whoever's been giving you the "ugly" lessons.

Cool knight outfit.

Well, technically I'm a paladin.

While a knight was any member of the warrior class in medieval Europe, A paladin had a more spiritual side, Combining undying faith with I think I bit my tongue.

Oh, man up.

By some miracle you got a date.

Now don't go messing it up with your nicey
-nice routine.


- Hey, Zack.


- Hey, can't touch this.

Hey, Woody.

Looks like you have two personalities, As opposed to your usual zero.

Do you really want to hurt me? Yes.


- Ooh, my knight in shining armor.


- Actually he's a paladin.

You can tell by the insignia from charlemagne's court.

Huh? I mean tee hee hee, shiny hat! Cody, I want you to meet Josh.


- Hey, Cody.


- Oh wow.

That is quite a squeeze you got there.

Thanks.

Your date's not half bad either.

I'm gonna go put in a song request.


- I'm Bailey.


- I'm cissy.


- Nice to meet you.


- Meow! Catfight.

Come on, bail.

Let's go be "maniacs" on the dance floor.

Cody, do you and Bailey have something going on? Whoa, look out, static Someone's getting awful clingy.

Whew whew whew.

Hey, guys, Let's get physical.

Whew whew.

Eww eww, not with you! Emma.

You look enchanting.

Oh, thank you, marion.

And you look thrilling.

Why, thank you.

I guess we both came to the same realization.

Yeah, Woody was right.

We were being childish.

I just started thinking about why this '8os dance Would be so important to you.

Maybe you're trying to make up For those lonely teenage years, you know, Eating donuts with one hand and popping pimples with the other.

Hardly.

Did you call my cousin?
- No, why?
- Oh, never mind.

And I started wondering if this renaissance dance Was important to you because you spent your teenage years Stuck in a basement with the neighborhood nerds playing druids and demons.

Hardly.

Did you call mother? Look at Cody, He's not caring about what his date is saying or thinking.

He is completely insensitive.

It makes me so proud.

I know.

And look at Bailey, Acting like she doesn't have a thought in her head.


- Hey, Zelda.


- Hey.

How dare you steal my look!? And your headband is too low.

Okay, dudes and dudettes, Knights and fair maidens, Just a reminder, sir mixmaster Woody Is now taking requests.

Woody, I think that Emma would appreciate it If you played some gems from the '8os.

Oh, that's sweet, marion, But for you, I suggest we keep it light and lutey.

No for you, I insist.


- '8os pop.


- No! But you'd prefer renaissance! And it begins anew.

So I'm thinking about trying out for the school play.

Whoa, easy there, chatty Cathy.

I don't remember asking for your life story.

Is it a party, people? We're going to take a little break.

So much for the dancing.

Oh good.

Now why don't you go to the ladies' room, And fix that situation, And then we'll have a little p.

D.

A.

? Okay, that's it! At first I thought you were cool, But you're a bigger jerk than your brother.

So what do you think of my campaign speech?
- Tee hee hee!
- What is with you? You can't even carry on a conversation.

It's just tee hee hee, tee hee hee.

You're even dumber than london.

Hey, I heard that! Okay, let's travel through time and unite on the dance floor To this funky mas h
-up of a true classic! Well, seems as if Woody has found us a compromise.

So he has.

You care to dance, marion? Oooh, I thought you'd never ask.


- Yeah, I meant with me.


- Oh! Yes yes yes.

Well, at least our dates are having fun.

Yep, everybody's dancing except us.

And I do mean everybody.

I hope he doesn't get his dreads caught in her unibrow.

Well, we could dance.

Uh, you mean
- you mean with each other? No, alone.

Just next to each other.

Well, I guess that would be okay.

All right, time to slow things down a bit.

So grab that special someone and pull them close.

Real close mrrow.

You know, marion, your outfit reminds me Of the night I almost had my first kiss.

Almost? What happened? Mikey menotti caught me peeking into his rec room window And told me to "b*at it.

" That was Mikey's loss.

I must admit, I've had my share of high
-school humiliations.


- Oh, I'll bet.


- I'm sorry? I mean go on.

Well, we certainly have come a long way since then.