03x05 - Das Boots

[bunniefuu]

Isn't my new invention incredible? I'm eating so much more efficiently.

Woodster, is it really too much work.

To turn the turkey leg with your fingers? Uh, yeah.

How do you think I got carpal tunnel? Wow, would you look at maya? Man, this being
-just
-friends thing is k*lling me.

Okay, not water.

I need you two losers to switch shoes.

No can do.

I bet cody I could keep these shoes on for a whole year.

You won that bet three months ago.

Yeah, But now I can't get them off.

My foot flesh has grown right through the eyelets.

Not your shoes mine.

I need you to take my summer shoes out of storage.

And put my winter shoes in.

Why would we do that? That answer never gets old.

oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- Hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- Ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- Rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! .

Thanks for helping, maya.

Wow, I can't believe london has a shoe submarine.

This is nothing.

She bought an entire town just to store her hats.

Oh, I've been to hatsburg.

I was there for the fedora festival.

I met a girl there and she told me I was fedorable.

Check.

I hope that means either the game's over, Or you're paying for the hot wings.

Marcus, this is serious.

I'm going to be playing in the finals.

Of the international junior chess championship.

Which we're proudly hosting on this ship.

Of course, I had to cancel that bikini calendar sh**t.

Yeah, that was a great call.

I'm gonna win this thing.

And it's going to be.

The biggest smackdown since klaus von klitzing b*at out ching lee wo.

For the nobel prize in physics in 1985.

Remember that? Oh! That was nasty! You two may be the most boring people I have ever met.

And my grandpa beeber only talks about the bus schedule.

Actual ruby slippers? Why would anyone wear those? So if I get lost, I can click my heels and go home again.

I was a leash kid.

You know, maya, these would go great with your legs.

I don't think that's the kind of thing you say to someone who's just your friend.

Sure it is.

Hey, woody, these would go great with your legs.

Well, thanks, zack.

It's about time someone noticed these stems.

You like them so much why don't you wear them? I would, but I'm afraid they don't match my socks.

I meant to do that.

Which? Show me your oddly hairless leg.

Or fall over like a yutz? A little bit of both.

Emma, you don't need any makeup.

Oh, thanks, marion.

I like a natural look, but I always think a little lip gloss No, I meant this is a radio broadcast.

And since when did you become a chess aficionado? Well, I wouldn't call myself an aficionado, But I'm a whiz at checkers.

How different can they be? Looks like I'm up against some guy named sasha matryoshka.

Sasha masha
-what
-ka? I'm gonna b*at this guy like you b*at egg whites.

For a perfectly airy soufflé.

Dude, you're making it real hard.

For me to be in your corner.

Whatever.

I'm gonna kick this guy sasha's russian butt.

Hello, I am sasha.

Pretty girl.

This is so exciting.

I can't believe the ship's radio.

Is gonna broadcast my voice all over the world.

Yes, you'll be making dogs howl.

In every corner of the globe.

Now when I wish to interject some informed commentary, I will lightly tap you on the forearm like so.

Oh.

When I want you to stop being annoying.

That'll work.

Oh, we're on the air.

Welcome to the international junior chess championship.

I'm your host, emma tutweiller.

And I'm marion Moseby, Expert commentator, Former junior champion contender, And the man behind the webby award
-nominated blog, "make that move with marion.

" I will be providing.

Keen play
-by
-play analysis And hopefully doing it briefly.

And now, the match.

Ha! I knew you'd make that move.

You couldn't know that.

How how
- how could you know that? I know everything about you.

Yeah, I doubt that.

You were born in seattle in 1993.

You are allergic to many many many things.

Oh, and you didn't give up your blankie.

Till you were 12.

Ha! Wrong.

That was just a ploy.

So my mom would stop taking me to the counselor.

I secretly kept it until I was 15.

Touché.

I also know you blink when you are uncertain of your next move.

I do not.

I just happen to have very dry eyes.

I guess that's not in your little dossier, is it? Yes, it is.

On page 64, Right next to x
-ray of broken foot.

You got in tap class.

I told miss liza I wasn't ready to bomberShay.

Ooh, she's playing with him like a kitten with a ball of yarn.

Aww, I have kittens.

And they all love yarn, especially Mr.

Whiskerton.

Once his little paws got all tangled up.

Ooh, I wonder if that's how they came up with cat's crle.

No one cares.

But now the whole world knows you're a lonely cat lady.

It's so stuffy in here.

I need some fresh air.

Okay okay.

Oh.

Oh my.

It's raining cats and dogs.

And fish.

Or we're underwater.

Close the hatch!
- It's stuck.


- Come on.

Does seaweed have a face?
- Only when it's an eel.


- Ow! Make that an electric eel.


- Ow.


- Ow.

My eel skin belt.

Wait, that should be in my belt blimp.

That was weird.

Do I look okay? Yeah, great.

Okay, good.

You know, zack, this has really been fun.

What's next? We get att*cked by a krayken? I believe it's pronounced kraken.


- Krayken.


- Kraken.

I'm pretty sure it's kraken.


- No, it's krayken.

Krayken.


- Kraken.

Kraken.

I wish someone would get crackin' and get us out of here.

Just tell captain yuri to take us up.

You gave him the day off.

I did? That is so unlike me.

Stupid nice london.

So we're stuck on this sub.

With no idea how to get back up? Don't panic.

Share my strength.

I feel better already.

This match is riveting Watching the sweat bead on the brow of a player.

As he thinks at least a dozen moves ahead, Calculating the myriad ramifications.

Of his opponent's every move.

Man, I gotta pee.

Dude, she's making you look like a chess chump.

Now focus.

I am, On her perfect slavic cheekbones, Which are framed by that incredibly silky hair, Which cascades down her alabaster Snap out of it.

I can't.

And I've never played a girl without pimples and trifocals.

Ha! I banish your rook to siberia.

Oh, I bet you wish you had your blankie now.

Just to happens, I do.

I keep a swatch of it in my pocket for emergencies.

Okay, now I'm officially on her side.

Either we're completely submerged, Or fish have taken over the earth.

From whom?
- Up the scope.


- You got it.

Whoa, pull it down, pull it down.

I meant the scope, not my pants.

In my defense, you were vague.

All right, there you go.


- Get this thing off me.


- I'll get it back.

Wow, zack.

It takes a real man to wear rainbow underpants.

They were white.

Till I did a load of laundry with candy in my pockets, Which, by the way, makes the candy taste kind of bleachy.

Hey guys, look.

I found a radio.

Oh, goody.

I'll go get my dancing shoes.

No no, it means we can contact the ship and get help.

It doesn't work.

Neither does steve, but mom still loves him.

I'll check the battery compartment.

And it's filled with shoes.

It says to put in double as.

Maybe I put them in wrong.

That's good.

When are an alarm and a red light ever good? At bert's burger buddy.

It means you've won a little dancing buddy the burger.

bert's burger buddy is really neat our burgers may contain a little horse meat.

.

Yeah, their marketing department's not the best.

Wait, it says something here.

But whoever wrote this is a worse speller than I am.

You can't read it because whoever wrote it was russian.

I don't care how fast they were writing.

It makes no sense.

Uh, guys? I think that alarm means we only have 30 minutes of air left.

Oh, don't worry.

I've got plenty of air.

I'm an heiress.

I can't breathe.

It Hurts.

Sorry sorry.

Turkey makes me gassy.

All right, we only have It's not good air, but it's air.

Somebody needs to come up with a plan to get out of here.

Oh.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place Maybe we could tap into the air in her head.

I can't believe I'm gonna die.

Without telling my secret crush how I feel.

You'll always be in my heart, ethel.

Ethel the lunch lady? She's 4'5", has one nostril and wears a hair net, Which is odd because she has no hair.

Except in the nostril.

Hey, lay off my woman! Careful.

Do not slobber on my slingbacks.

Maya, if our time's up, I think I should tell you I hate being your friend.

Gee, thanks, zack.

Too bad we won't live to see valentine's day, Because that would be great on a card.

No, I mean that I always wanted us to be.

More than just friends.

Oh.

Well, in that case, Since we're all confessing, There is a guy I kinda like.

There is? Who? You.

Henry yu? The kid that walks around.

With that clarinet all the time? No, I'm talking about you, zack.

Me? You like me? Are you sure? Are you trying to talk me out of it? No no, this is awesome.

I could spend the rest of my life in your arms.

Looks like you will.

London, you want to spend the rest of your life in my arms? Yes, that's exactly how I want to meet my maker Covered in your arm sweat and reeking of mesquite.

Well, okay then.

Batteries.

I knew it! Woody's a robot! They're from my turkey spinner.


- We can use these to power the radio.


- And if that doesn't work, Maybe woody can swim to the surface before he rusts.

And cody takes sasha's pointy man.

Nitwit.

Correction.

Cody takes sasha's nitwit.

See? You're ahead.

The blindfold is working great.

Yep.

Can't see her not distracted.

Looks like blankie's gonna get you through this game.

Just like he got me through potty training when I was nine.

Ooh, the russian moves her queen to queen's knight five.

Check.

Up top.

Please don't make me high
-five you at a chess game.

Brilliant move! S.

O.

S.

! S.

O.

S.

! We don't have time for spelling.

Besides, we need help, not sauce.

Hey, speak for yourself.

This drumstick's getting a little dry.

Zack? London? What are you doing on this radio frequency? Stop messing around, zack.

We're in the middle of something important here.

This is important too.

More important than me becoming international junior chess champion? Yes! We're trapped in london's shoe submarine.

And we're running out of air! Oh, what to do? What to do?
- Cody!
- I'll go get help.

Okay okay.

Zack, search for something marked "surface control.

" It's all in russian.

Check.

I did check.

It's in russian.

Sasha, help us.

Nyet.

You cannot trick me.

Into leaving table and forfeiting game.

You think I just fall off turnip truck, huh? Well, okay, one time when I was seven, Because my father is a turnip farmer.

And likes to pop the wheelies, But my point is nyet.

Help us! It's okay.

I speak russian.

And you are one cold kakashka.

I've found the schematics for the submarine.

I need a timeout to help my brother.

Nyet.

No timeouts in international chess competition, According to yalta rules established in 1922.

Correction.

Every player is allowed one break during the match, According to the istanbul potty amendment of 1931.

Rule also states you must have substitute.

Marcus, you have to take my spot.

What? No.

I don't know how play chess.

I'm still trying to understand how a king can only move one square at a time.

I mean, he is the king, right? Hello.

We're trapped in a tin can of death down here.

Either play or forfeit game.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Just try and ride out the timer.

Okay, if you're running out of air, The emergency override should have automatically surfaced the sub.

So something must be jamming the ballast pumps.

Ooh.

I put my pumps in the pumps.

Where else would I put them? In that case, the only way to surface the sub.

Is to get rid of any unnecessary weight.

Hurtful.

Look for the torpedo tubes and jettison whatever you can find.

I know.

Get rid of the shoes.

They must weigh a ton.

Actually 2.

5 tons, and I'm not letting you drown my babies.

It's either your babies or you.

Hold your breath! Mommy loves you! No no, not those.

Those are my favorites.

Take these instead.

Mommy's sorry! Your two minutes are almost up.

Move it or lose it.

Okay, uh I'm gonna move this one.

That is my piece.

Okay, then maybe I'll move this one.

Also mine.

Here is a hint All the black ones are mine.

Okay okay.

All right, there.

Ha ha! You have exposed your bishop.

I have? So embarrassing.

I mean you have made a fatal mistake.

Ooh.

Then I call a do
-over.

Nyet.

According to chess federation rules, Under no circumstances can there be a do
-over.

I hate this game.

Don't worry.

Is almost over.

Well, ain't that a kick in the head? London, it worked.

We're going up.

Why are you crying? Because all of my shoes are gone.

Now I only have the 500 pairs in my closet.

That's not even one for every day of the year.

Hey, guys, we've surfaced.


- Oh, yes!
- Yes! They're safe.

Good work, cody.

Holy perogie.

This headache worse than time I fell off turnip truck.

Hey, she moved her queen and left her king wide open.

Check Mate? Nyet! Queen fell on that space when I get hit in head by shoe.

That is grounds for do
-over.

Nyet! According to chess federation rules, No do
-overs.

Marcus is correct.

Although his accent yikeski.

Well, the game is finally over.

We have a winner! Hold it.

Hold it.

Now I want to win this title.

Because I brought my opponent down with my intellect, Not a gaudy go
-go boot.

So you are asking for rematch? Da.

I can't accept this trophy.

You're darn tootin' you can't.

According to federation rules, The trophy goes to the player who made the winning move.

So the international junior chess champion is Marcus little! Thank you.

I really don't deserve this.


- I'll say.


- You're not kidding.

I want to thank all the little people Mama little, grandma little, And of course grandpa beeber little.

I'm gonna buy you your own bus, grandpa.

And to all you children listening out there, Dreams can come true.

What a magnificent match! For more behind
-the
-scenes action, log onto "make that move with marion, " Keyword "rook nook.

" And so what began as a boring chess game.

Turned into an incredible saga.

Of life, death, sacrifice, And survival beneath the cruel waves.

I'm emma tutweiller, from the s.

S.

Tipton, Saying good night and good sailing.

Maya, if you're not busy tomorrow No way.

I'm not emptying out london's jacket jet.

I was thinking more along the lines of a date, Since, you know, you like me.

Oh, please.

That was just the lack of oxygen talking.

Oh, come on, you know it's true.

So where were we? Not there yet.


- How about now?
- No.


- Now? Now?
- No.

No.


- Krayken.


- Kraken.

You're so annoying.

Funny.

My mom said the same thing.