03x20 - Snakes on a Boat

[bunniefuu]

Isn't couples' game night great, honey? Touch me and I'll rip your arm off and b*at you with it.

Okay.

How about instead of that you just take your turn and make a word already? Ooh, I got it! "A.

" Okay, I will add on to your "a" to make "at.

" Oh, good one! I will add on to your "at" to make "rat.

"
- Oh!
- Oh, nice.

I will add on to your "rat" to make "biostratigraphic.

"
- So that gives me
- Oh no, rogue wave.


- Oh!
- It's a tie.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- Hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- Ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- Rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho, oh ay oh let's go!
- Yes!
- Oh no, a torpedo att*ck.

Oh.

Okay, looks like math
-o
-mania isn't going over very well either.

Why don't we play a game that everybody likes? One that does not involve spelling or addition.


- I know
- Or guessing the element by its atomic number.

Oh! Oh oh oh, let's play chuckle challenge.

The object is to make your partner laugh, and you can do anything except touch them.

Okay, Woody, you go first.


- Make London laugh.


- Oh okay.

I haven't done anything yet.

Oh, I know.

You're just so funny
-looking.

Okay, Bailey, come on.

Prepare to laugh so hard you'll hyperventilate and pass out.

Oh, sounds fun.

Okay, Aristotle's theory of dynamic motion.

What are you blabbing about? Well, the theory was an attempt to explain momentum, but was eventually disproved by Galileo.

Sweetie, how is that funny? Well, Aristotle was so wrong it was laughable.

Nothing? London thought it was funny.

No, I'm still laughing at Woody.

Wow, for the first time in my life I'm actually winning at something, yet I still feel like crying.

Okay, stop it! Let's play another game.

Okay, let's play truth or dare.

Ooh, I pick dare.

What do I have to eat? Ooh, I dare you to go down to the cargo hold in the sub
-sub bilge and take a picture of the dead body we're transporting.

No way.

What are you, scared of a little dead body? No, that just sounds like a lot of stairs.

You chose dare.

Fine.

I'll be right back.

I have to go do something not at all evil.

All right, Bailey, you're up.

Truth or dare? Truth? Okay.

Uh, actually, I choose dare.

Fine.

I dare you to tell me the truth.


- Do you find me funny?
- Um You know, not really.

But you've laughed at my jokes lots of times.

Yeah, the thing is I was faking it.


- This is news to me.


- Cody, it's not that big of a deal.


- No one really makes me laugh.


- Did moose make you laugh?
- Did he?
- It doesn't matter.

That's a yes.

And what about all those times with me when you went Oh that? Uh, also fake.


- Oh
- Okay, our turn.

Zack, truth or dare? Uh, truth.

How many girls did you date before me?
- Dare.


- You chose truth.

Okay okay, let me think.

Starting with "a" Aralyn, Abigail, abyssinia, adelaide, the other adelaide,
- tiffany
- That's a "t.

" Yes, but she was "a" fox.

So many stairs.

Can't breathe.

Okay, body.

Okay, body body body.

Hello.

Okay.

If you don't mind I'm just gonna take a little picture.

Say "cheese.

" That's what you get for calling us a couple, which would only happen over my dead body.

Get it? It's a coffin.

You almost gave me a heart att*ck.

Hey, don't say I never gave you anything.

Audrey, ava, azalea Azizika.

Azizika? Are you ever gonna get to the "b"s? I I tried to say dare.

Wow, can you believe that? Yeah, who would have guessed that Zack knew the alphabet started with "a"? Seriously? That wasn't funny? You should have seen your face.

I was all like, "menacing noise.

" And you were all like, "scared reaction!" I can't believe you could be so cruel.


- I was just scaring you a little.


- Not that.

You obviously knew there was an elevator and didn't tell me.


- Oh.


- By the way, what did you do with the real dead body? There's no dead body.

I just keep a coffin handy in case the Bailey situation "resolves itself.

" I can't believe you dropped my phone last night.

Why are you out of breath? We took the elevator.

We still had to walk down a mid
-sized hallway With a turn.

Every single one of my contacts is in that phone.

Don't worry.

Just call your phone from the ship's phone
- so we can hear it ring.


- Good idea! Wait, what's my number? You don't know your own number? The only number I know is how much I'm worth.

Besides, it's in my phone.

Wait.

I'll call Chelsea.

She knows my number.

Darn it! Just give me the dang phone.

Yeah, great.

That that's definitely I know this is usually a sport for 4olb romanian girls, but I'm telling you it's one heck of a workout.

I mean, I really feel it in my arms
- Oh!
- And in my legs.

I'm really feeling it too.

Do you need to get that? Please.

Oh, that's not my phone.

I thought it was yours.

Oh no.

My ringtone is "the ozark shuffle" by the washboard jug band, featuring rihanna.


- Eh eh.


- Oh.

I guess whoever it is can't get to their phone.

Ladies and germs, please put your hands together for the unique comedy stylings of Cody Martin.


- Oh no.


- ( Funky bass playing ) Thank you, thank you.

What's the deal with life jackets? Why are there no life pants? What if you just want a casual look while drowning? But seriously, you guys, how about that airplane food? That's not very tasty.

I don't hear my phone ringing.

Maybe there's no reception down here.

Well, we have to find it.

Retrace your steps.

Okay, I came in exhausted because of those stairs Thanks a lot, by the way Then, while I was trying to get my pulse rate to under 7,000, you scared me.

My life flashed before my eyes Which was no better the second time And I must have dropped your phone in this crate.

Oh terrific.

You dropped my phone in a crate full of Dangerous snacks! How can snacks be dangerous? They can be extremely high in sodium.

The sign says "snakes.

" Who snacks on snakes? Especially salty snakes.

That's a silly snack.

Well, if you want your phone, we're gonna have to look in the box.

Oh.

There are no snakes in there.

They must have escaped.

Oh no, Mr.

moseby's gonna k*ll me.

And then there really will be a dead body in that box.

And more importantly, one of those snakes took my phone.

What if someone calls to invite me to a party and the snake shows up instead? Well, if they bring a nice enough gift, I don't think anyone would really care.

Yeah, that's true.

We have to find those snakes.

Get it off, get it off, get it off! Found one.

Okay.

Okay, snaky.

Okay, there you go.

There you go.

Right the crate.

Look, Maya, I really haven't dated that many girls.

What? I only know them because we're in french class together.

And not even together.

We sit very far apart.


- Oh.


- Not that I even know.

I barely notice them.

I wouldn't even say barely.

I'd say not at all.

Who knows? Where am I? In trouble.

Maya, if you're gonna get so upset about the answer,
- why did you ask the question?
- I don't know.

I didn't think it was gonna take a supercomputer and a team of accountants to figure it out.

You knew I dated other girls when we met.

You called me a player.

That's why you put me through all that showing
-you
-I've
-changed nonsense.

Nonsense?
- Did I say "nonsense"?
- Mm
-hmm.

I meant a totally justified and completely necessary series of trials that made me a better man.

It did.

Maya, Maya, come on.

Wait wait.

Let's just put this whole thing behind us and go have some fun.

Forget it.

I'm not interested.

Oh, man.

Girlfriends are a pain in the butt.

What ow! Yeah, something definitely just bit me.

Oh, my legs are going numb.

Here I go.

Snake! Stop, you slimy serpent.

Ah oh! Did you get it? No.

But I got this painful floor burn.

Oh! That looks exactly like Justin bieber.

Make it sing, make it sing.

Can we get back to capturing the snake? Relax.

Now that we've got it cornered in your cabin, you can scoop it up with your net.

And I can go back to my life and you can go back to having no life.

We're gonna need a bigger net.

Yeah.

No no bye.

Go go go, snake.

Go go.

Get in there, get in, get in, get in.

Whoa! Ew, that is so disgusting.

Woody Not everyone finds your booger museum entertaining.

For the record it's a "mucuseum," okay? So, moseby, what's new? The weirdest thing.

Zack encountered a snake on the sky deck.

What?
- Uh
- A snake? On the ship? Wow, that's scary.

He got bitten and I had to suck the poison Anyway, he's doing fine.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go boil my lips.

Okay! I can't believe Bailey didn't laugh at this.

I guess some Martins are just funnier than others.

What are you doing? I'm writing a thank you card to Mr.

Moseby.

What rhymes with "buttocks"? I don't even wanna know what this is about.

Wait wait wait.

Cody, Cody, Cody.

Look, I never thought I'd ask you this, but can I get your advice about girls? Well, if it's how to make them not laugh, I'm your man.

I don't know what Maya is so upset about.

I mean, I thought we put this whole player thing behind us, but she dredged it up again.

Ah, you have an excellent point.

And it's totally irrelevant.


- You should just apologize.


- But it's not even my fault.

The guy always ends up apologizing, so you might as well skip the torturous back and forth and just say you're sorry.

Okay okay.

And for future reference, whenever a girl asks you a question, just say "six.

" Why? Because when dealing with women, it's the perfect answer to any of their questions.

How many girls have you dated? Six.

What dress size do you think I am? Six.

On a scale of one to 10, how pretty do you think that girl is? Six? Wow.

That's pretty good.

Yep, six never gets you in trouble.

I love six.

Now maybe you could help me out.


- How can I make Bailey laugh?
- Just forget about it.

You couldn't even make a hyena laugh.

Oh, this is not gonna be good.

What you doing, Cody? Please, call me by my stage name Parsnip top.

You get it? Like carrot top.

Well, except my hair isn't orange.

It's a lighter color, much in the same way that a parsnip is like a paler carrot.

Y
-yeah, I get it.

Good one.

It really makes you think.

Well, we know you didn't come here for a vegetable lesson.

You came to see some classic prop comedy.

Actually, you came to me And I'm a little scared.

Well, maybe you wouldn't be so scared if you had a Watch dog.

Eh? Get it? Watch dog? Because it's a watch wrapped around a hot dog.

Watch dog.

Tick tock, ruff! Maya, I was hoping to have a nice dinner with my girlfriend.

One of the adelaides coming by? Okay, look, I just wanted to apologize.

I was wrong and I'm sorry.

Now it's true, I have dated a lot of girls in the past.

But honestly, I don't remember how many.

Why? You lost track after you hit triple digits? No.

Because when I started dating you, I forgot about all of them.

Aw, Zack! I know that laugh.

Fake.

Okay, this stuff will turn the hallway into one giant glue trap.

Oh, you're a genius.

We'll open the door, the snakes will come out and they'll be trapped Trapped like snakes in a hallway full of glue.

Good simile.


- Uh, London?
- Hmm? I think there's something we didn't think of.

Oh no, we're trapped! Trapped like a beautiful girl and a portly boy in a hallway full of glue.

How does she do it? Okay well, maybe the glue isn't strong enough
- to hold a person in place.


- Okay.

Come on.

Nope, it is.

What are you doing? Oh.

D'oh! Now what? Well, we made it to the door.

Might as well let the snakes out and trap them.

Trap them like snakes in a hallway full of Yeah, I get it.


- Where'd they go?
- Who knows? There's lots of things to do on the ship.

They got away.

Meanwhile, we'll be stuck here forever.

No, we won't.

We can take off stuff we're wearing and step on it.

Oh oh, yeah yeah.


- Okay.


- Ready?
- Okay, your turn.


- Okay.

Your turn.

Come on! Break, you stupid melon! Um I swear, when it splatters, it's hilarious.

I'm sure it is, but you're gonna hurt yourself
- ( Mallet thumps )
- Or me.

What the heck? Those grapes are plastic.

Cody, listen.

There are so many things that I love about you: You're smart; You're kind; You're generous; You wanna have six kids.

Yep, six.

Hey! Hey, I ordered steaks, not snakes.

Wait.

Where are you going? I can't see anything.

Oh! I am sorry, madam.

I don't know what happened to your poodle.

Moseby, help us! That's it!
- I've had enough of these
- ( Ship's horn blares )
- Snakes on my
- ( Ship's horn blares ) Boat!
- Go, moseby!
- I think he's strong for his size.

You're classic.

Be careful.

Yeah, he's good.

He's so graceful.

Did you see that?
- Got the little one.


- Your dance is beautiful.

Oh wow! Wow! Wow, moseby, that was amazing.

A little girly, but amazing! It would have been faster, but I didn't have time to stretch.

Oh, okay.

I can't believe you captured all the snakes.

All except one.

What? Cody, you did it.

You made me laugh.

Oh, that's great, honey.

Now just get this thing off me before it collapses my lungs.

Stop.

I can't breathe, I can't breathe.

Me neither.

Zack, thanks for a really memorable meal.

I've never had to run screaming from my entree before.

Then you've never had my mom's cooking.

I'm sorry for getting so upset before.

The truth is Your past isn't nearly as important as our future.

You're right.

By the way, I never did ask you how many guys you've dated.


- Huh?
- Before me.

How many guys did you date? Oh, uh six.

Wait, what? Hello? Chelsea? Can you can you hear me? Wait.

How about now? Now?