04x02 - Brainwashed: Part 2 - I Am Not a Hat

[bunniefuu]

Gee, Brain,

what do you
want to do tonight?

The same thing
we do every night,
Pinky,

try to take over
the world.

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ yes, Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ one is a genius ♪

♪ the other's insane ♪

♪ they're
laboratory mice ♪

♪ their genes
have been spliced ♪

♪ they're dinky ♪

♪ they're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain ♪

♪ before each night
is done ♪

♪ their plan
will be unfurled ♪

♪ by the dawning
of the sun ♪

♪ they'll take over
the world ♪

♪ they're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ yes, Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ their twilight campaign ♪

♪ is easy to explain ♪

♪ to prove
their mousey worth ♪

♪ they'll overthrow
the earth ♪

♪ they're dinky ♪

♪ they're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain ♪

narf!

Man: previously on
Pinky and the Brain...

♪ yeah,
Schmeerskahoven ♪

Brain's been
brainwashed!

[Shrieking]

No!

Porkpie--I mean, Brain,
what are you doing?!

It's me, Pinky!

I'm not really a hat, see?

[Shrieking]

[Shrieks]

[Stops]

Brain, I'm your only friend.
Don't you remember?

[Shrieking]

Oh, narf!

Narf?

Why, that sounds
vaguely familiar...

and aggravating.

It--it does?

Yes. In fact,
it gives me the sudden
urge to do this.

Ugh!

Ooh, that feels good.

[High-pitched voice]
You do remember!

It's all
coming back to me.

I remember narf,
and I remember, um,

narf.
And then there's...

narf.

Anything else?

Yes, I can see it.

It's--it's...

narf.

But what does it mean,
fez?

Um, it means poit!
Or is it troz?

Uh, does that help?

No. But this does.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, just like old times,
except for the hats.

Porkpie, fez,

no one runs off
during the evening
Schmeerskahoven.

You hats have got
some 'splainin' to do.

Off to
the powdered-wig hat.

[Indistinct yelling]
[Gavel thumping]

Man: order! Order!

Order in the hat!

You stand accused of
subverting the authority
of the top hat.

How do you plead?

Top hat?
Who's the top hat?

Hats may not question!

I told you.
I am not a hat!

I am not a hat!

[Murmuring]

Think you're better
than the rest of us, eh?

What do you think
you are?!

A pair of gloves?
A shoe?

Gesundheit!

No! I am not a shoe!

I am not a hat!

I am a free...

not a hat.

In fact, you're all free.

Throw down your hats,
all of you!

Unh.
[Gasps]

You, too, fez.
Throw down your fez!

Whaah!

[Gasps]

No hat may throw down
his hat or himself

without
express permission
of the top hat.

Guards,
arrest these hats

and take them
to be reblocked!

Listen, do you hear that?
Ding, ding, ding, ding.

It's time for
the midnight
Schmeerskahoven.

Ha ha!

Do you think
we just fell off
the turnip hat?

It's far too early
for the midnight
Schmeerskahoven.

It is?

Yes. That's the bell
for the 10:30
Schmeerskahoven.

Come on, everybody!

[Music begins]

♪ Put your fingers
in your ears ♪

♪ and stick 'em
in your belly ♪

♪ don't be afraid
if it jiggles like jelly ♪

♪ yeah, [i][i]Schmeerskahoven! ♪

Egad! That was brilliant,
porkpie!

Thank you, fez.

Just one question.
How did you know

the bell was going
to go off?

Fez, I feel another
memory coming on.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now, come. We are
doffing this hatland...

or maybe not.

Do you think it's locked?

Fez, were you always
this brilliant?

Oh, yes!

[Metallic clanging]

A giant ball of yarn?!

Oh, goody!

We can knit
some giant socks...

or maybe not.

Female: you're
very naughty little hats.

Prepare to be reblocked.

Show yourself,
top hat!

I want to give you
a piece of my mind!

The top hat already has
a piece of your mind.

In fact, I have all of it.

The top hat is
a computer?

More than a computer.
I know everything,

including everything
you once were.

Your entire past is stored
on my hard drive.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I--I don't remember
any of that.

Of course not.
I removed every last memory

from fat little cranium.

Every memory but one,

something no one
could possibly know.

There is nothing
the top hat doesn't know.

Yes, there is.

No, there isn't.

Is so.

Is not.

[Yawns]

Ok. You're right.
There isn't.

What is it?

Narf.
What was that?

Narf.
N-A-r-F. Narf.

Narf?

That is not a word.

Oh, yes, it is.
I say it all the time.

It means the same thing
as zort and poit,

except it's different.

The definition
of narf is zort.

Or is it poit?

Narf is like poit,
except so is zort.

Does not compute!
Does not compute!

Admit it,
you don't know what narf is.

Of course I know.
I am the top hat.

I know everything.
Narf is--narf is--

narf! Narf! Narf!

Narf!

Aah!
Aah!

Porkpie!
Porkpie, are you Ok?

Pinky, if you ever use
that name again,

I shall be forced
to hurt you
with extreme prejudice.

Oh, Brain, it's you!

You got your memory back!

Yes!

[i][i][Schmeerskahoven music begins]

Yaah!

[All yelling]

Brain, what are you doing?
We've got to go!

Not yet, Pinky!
I've got to find out
who's behind this!

Oh, can't you
get that later, Brain?

The top hat's going
to blow its lid!

Waah!
Aah!

Yes!

We have to get back
to the lab

and analyze this disk.

You can still
call me fez if you want.

Absolutely not.

But I miss it so!
Poit.

Oh, very well.

Let's hurry and get back
to the lab, fez.

Ha ha ha ha!
Fez!

[Maniacal cackling]

Pinky, do you know
why we were imprisoned
in the land of hats?

Because of
the gross overcrowding
in the land of underpants?

No, Pinky. Because
of my stalwart refusal

to give in
to global peer pressure

and do
the [i][i]schmerskahoven.

It's all here on this disk
that I took from the top hat.

[Rapid beeping]

But, Brain,
the [i][i]Schmeerskahoven is
such a happy dance.

I'm afraid not, Pinky.

The precise movements
of the Schmeerskahoven

correspond
to pressure points
on the human body

which affect
neuron synapses
in the Brain.

Repeated pressure
on these points

causes the cerebrum
to shrivel

and slowly diminishes
the dancer's
mental capacity

until they become
permanent dimwits.

Oh, but I've done
the Schmeerskahoven
lots of times,

and I haven't noticed
any change.

Pinky, sometimes
you make it
too easy for me.

Thank you.

The dumbing down
of America is no
mere coincidence, Pinky.

Someone is using
the [i][i]Schmeerskahoven

as the means
to a nefarious end.

Egad! Does this mean
Swedish supergroup baab
is evil?

No, Pinky.

The [i][i]Schmeerskahoven was
obviously written

by someone other than baab's
brilliant songwriting team

of angstrom and bjorst.
How do you know?

The song contains
neither the soaring melodies

nor the uplifting arrangements
of such baab classics as

dancing king
and ferdanando.

And it, uh,
says in the liner notes
that someone else wrote it,

a certain psuedo nym.

Good name.

Yes. And obviously an alias.

At little 21st-century
cybersleuthing,

and soon we shall know the true
identity of the culprit.

There, Pinky.

The name of our criminal
mastermind is...

Pinky: "information
classified"?

"Lab destruct
sequence activated"?

Another good name!

Troz!

Pinky, that's not
someone's name.

Really?!
Then can I use it?

Someone has
booby-Trapped
the computer!

We've got to get
out of here!

Pinky,
what are you doing?!

Packing.
There's no time!

Look, Brain,
I need the dryer lint.
It's my friend.

Do you want to meet
my friend?!

No! Not the lab!

Pinky!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Whoo!

Ooh, that was
quite a b*mb, Brain.

I know, Pinky.

Our beautiful lab,
all of my research gone!

Now, aren't you glad
I packed some lint?

What kind of person
would blow up our lab?

That clown
from Washington, D.C.?

Newt Gingrich?

No, Brain, look.

[Laughing maniacally]
[Siren]

[Siren continues]
I hate clowns!

Hey, like, uh,
stop cold or somethin',

you tiny, little
t*rror1st guys.

You're under arrest
for, uh,

making that
building go boom.

But we didn't do it. Zort!

It was the clown
with the flowerpot hat.

Hey, don't you say mean things
about clowns!

Put your hands in the air!

Like you won a big prize?

♪ Bop yourself on the head
and cross your eyes ♪

Both: ♪ yeah,
[i][i]Schmeerskahoven... ♪

just as I suspected, Pinky.

These policemen are addicted
to the Schmeerskahoven.

Do you know
what this means?

They won't get
the dreaded policeman's
doughnut gut?

No, Pinky. It means
they, too, have been infected

by this heinous plot
to dumb down the world.

There's no time
to waste.

We must go straight
to the top!

The Brain: not so fast,
Pinky, or we'll--

[Both scream]

Uhh!

This is the Lincoln
bedroom, Pinky.

Where all the president's
closest [i][i]friends sleep.

Poit! Ooh, he must not
have many friends.

[Lock turning]
Someone's coming!

Hello? Who's in there?

We're big party donors
from Hollywood.

I'm, uh, famous director,
uh, Steven speilbrain,

and this is, um--

his lovely wife
Kate pinkshaw!

Y'all look a lot bigger
on Tv.

Well, actually,
Mr. President,

we are a pair of
escaped lab mice

trying to stop a hideous
plot to dumb down America.

With clowns and hats
and the Schmeerskahoven.

Ha ha. You Hollywood folks
sure have some
wild imaginations.

It's imperative
that I speak with you.

Bill, are you coming?
They're just about to start

the Pauly shore film festival.

[Imitating Pauly shore]
Gnarl-A-roony.

[Laughing]

You think
Pauly shore is funny?

Doesn't everyone?

Both: bu-uddy!
Ha ha ha!

Catch you later.

Hey, and don't forget--
Saturday morning's

the big global
[i][i]Schmeerskahoven-Athon

for world peace.

[i][i]Schmeerskahoven-athon?

Pinky, do you know
what this means?

Another
preemption for

brand spanking,
fresh and shiny
new duck?

Even the president
and first lady
have been dumbed down.

Unless we can find
someone around here
who's willing to help us,

the whole world
is doomed!

[Splash]
Aah!
Aah!

Dang-Edy!
This pot's a-broke!

The coff-Edy just a-keeps
a-Pourin' out the bottom!

Perhaps you should
try using a coffeepot.

I tries and I tries
to help the president,

but I just can't
gets it right.

Now I'll never get to be
chief o' staff!

sh**t-Edy!
[Crash]
Ohh!

Oops-Edy.

My friend,

I know a way
you can become
a genuine hero

in the eyes
of the president

and the world.

And it doesn't involve
carrying hot beverages

and walking
at the same time.

Good. That's hard.

Don't I know it.

And they locked us all
in this horrible place

and forced us to wear hats

all day long.

Yes!
It was lovely.

It was abhorrent.

Humanity is
in great danger,
bobby bob.

When you see
the land of hats,

you must
warn the world

so we can
put a stop to this.

Prepare to be
stunned.

Pinky: narf-Edy!

[Gasps]

Where did it go?

But...the hat houses
were right there.

And this is
the courtyard

where they
made us dance
the [i][i]Schmeerskahoven.

Ooh, I done hates
that dang-Edy dance.

Really?
I'd have pegged you

for a regular
[i][i]schmeerska-Holic.

Nope. I'm's the only feller
in this here world

whats can'ts doos
that dance,

and every time
i's a Be's a tryin',

i'm's a-gettin' a coff-Edy
all over my clotheses.

Um,

have you ever tried
doing a dance

without holding
the coff-Edy?

[Laughs]

You is a smart
aah, ooh!

Little feller!
Ooh! Unh! Uhh!

Now i's can goes

practice for the big
[i][i]schmeerskedyhoo--

The [i][i]schmoozkedyheer--

aw, you know.
For Saturday--

when everybody in
the whole wide world's a-gonna

do that there dance.

You're welcome-dedy!
Ha ha ha!

Bye-diddy-do-Da

Dee-day-diddy-Da
do-Dee-hoo!

It's all
up to us now.

We only have one day
to save the world

from
the [i][i]Schmeerskahoven.

But who could possibly
have conceived

such a brilliant,
dastardly plot?

Besides me?

Bo diddley-doodley?
Ha ha ha!

No, Pinky.

There is only
one other

who is capable of
such a feat.

You haven't heard
the last of me, Brain.

[i][i]I'll take over
the world first!

[Laughs]

Snowball.

The Brain: pardon me,

but I'm here to
see Mr. Snowball.

Who?
Mr. Snowball.

He owns
this corporation.

Oh.

Like, him!

Uh, well, like,
he's, like, somewhere else.

And where
would that be?

Oh. I can't,
like, tell you.

It's, like,
a secret and stuff.

It's very important
that I speak to him.

Oh.

I'm sorry, sir.
You'll have to leave.

I'm, like,
the temporary
receptionist.

I'm, like, just paid
to temporarily recept.

I have a package
for Mr. Snowball.

Oh.

You'll have to
deliver that to

microsponge center for
psychiatric research.

It's at
the university.

What a simpleton.
Come on, Pinky.

That's all
we need to know.

Do you think
she's being dumbed down

by the Schmeerskahoven?

I don't know, Pinky.

It's hard to tell
with temps.

The Brain: just as
I suspected, Pinky.

Snowball has used
his incredible wealth

to fund this psychiatric
research facility.

So he can meet
rip Taylor?

No, Pinky.

Snowball obviously
developed the [i][i]Schmeerskahoven

to dumb down
the public.

He has perverted
the purpose

of this fine institution
of higher learning.

Young man: yo, dudes!

[Vroom]
Unh!
Oh!

Let's cut class
and get crazy
at the food fight!

All right!
The b*mb!
Yeah!

Do you think those kids
have been dumbed down

by the [i][i]Schmeerskahoven?

I don't know, Pinky.

It's hard to tell
with college students.

All: b-b-b-b-B...

the patients
are running loose, Pinky.

Where are the doctors?

We [i][i]are the doctors,
bu-Uddy.

[All laughing]

Snowball has to be
stopped!

You're looking
for snowball?

He's right through
here. Ha ha ha!

[Squeaks]

[Clanks]

[Clanks]

Snowball certainly
picked a strange place

for an executive suite.

Oh, I don't know,
Brain.

It may be dark,
but at least
it's dank and musty.

Hello, Brain,
Pinky.

Snowball!

You're a patient?

Hmm. I'm glad to see

somebody's
finally locked you up.

Yes, Brain.
I'm a prisoner

in my own
institution.

I so love irony--

except when
it befalls me.

Do you know, the irony
befell on me once.

I was flat
for a week! Heh!

[Smack]
Uhh!

[Giggles]

Now we can put a stop
to that evil dance of yours.

Which I rather
enjoy--

But which Brain says
is bad.

You mean,
the [i][i]Schmeerskahoven?

You think [i][i]I'm the one

behind that
annoying dance?

Ha ha ha! Oh,
wrong again, Brain.

But I should have
expected as much

from a dippy
dim bulb like you.

Dippy dim bulb?
Ha ha!

I want to be
dippy dim bulb!

[Gasps]
You can be

figgy fathead,
Brain.

I see he's been doing
the Schmeerskahoven
ad nauseam.

I don't know,
snowball.

It's hard to tell
with Pinky.

But if you didn't create
the Schmeerskahoven,

who did?

That's what I was
trying to find out.

In fact, I built
this institute

just so I could research
the [i][i]Schmeerskahoven.

Ah, but, when I got
too close to the truth,

I was locked in here.

By whom?

Why should I tell you?

So I can stop them
from taking over the world!

Yes, and grab
all the glory
for yourself.

Ha! Nothing doing.

Unless, of course,
you get me out.

Egad!

How will we
do that?

You forget,
Pinky,

snowball is
being held c*ptive

by stupid people.

I will simply
outwit them

with my superior
intellect.

Guards!

[Clank]

Look! Snowball has
escaped!

It looks like
he's still in his cell.

Oh, no.

He's on the outside,
and [i][i]we're in the cell!

So, get out your keys
and unlock that door.

Ok, bu-uddy!

And would you please
stop saying, "bu-uddy?!

Hasn't anyone told you
that Pauly shore

isn't funny?!

Snowball:
oh, yes, Brain.

You handled them
brilliantly.

I hate you.

Tv anchorman:
the countdown is on

as every man, woman,
and child on the planet

prepares for tomorrow's
gigantic, global,
really humongous

Schmeerskahoven-athon
for world peace.

And remember,

don't be afraid
if it jiggles like jelly.

Heh heh heh!

[Click]

The world is in peril,

and we only have one hope
of getting out of here.

I'll get you out,
Brain!

Here I come!

[Thud]
Aah!

[Grunts]
Here I come
again!

[Thud]
Unh!

We're doomed.

Here I come
once more!

[Thud]
Uhh!

I'll save you
this time!

[Thud]
Aah!

I'll try again!

[Thud]
Unh!

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ they're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain ♪

hang on!

[Thud]
Uhh!

[Men growl]
Wild beasts!

Man:
here are some scenes

from part 3 of "brainwashed."

We're going to
shrink ourselves

down to
microscopic size

and control
their vocal chords!

Whoa!
Whoa!

Snowball: a gene splicer.

[Gasps]
No!

[Gasps]
Mayday!
Mayday!

The Brain: we have to
get out of here!

Both:
who's flying the plane?!

[Zoom]
All: aah!