04x06 - A Legendary Tail

[bunniefuu]

Gee, Brain,

what do you
want to do tonight?

The same thing
we do every night,
Pinky--

Try to take over
the world.

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ yes, Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ one is a genius ♪

♪ the other's insane ♪

♪ they're
laboratory mice ♪

♪ their genes
have been spliced ♪

♪ they're dinky ♪

♪ they're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain ♪

♪ before each night
is done ♪

♪ their plan
will be unfurled ♪

♪ by the dawning
of the sun ♪

♪ they'll take over
the world ♪

♪ they're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ yes, Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ their twilight campaign ♪

♪ is easy to explain ♪

♪ to prove
their mousey worth ♪

♪ they'll overthrow
the earth ♪

♪ they're dinky ♪

♪ they're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain ♪

narf!

[Typewriter keys clacking

Pinky, tonight,
I shall become a legend.

Are you going to channel
the big bopper?

Yes. In fact,

I feel his spirit
coming over me right now.

[Whirs]

Narf!
[Laughs]

Observe and learn.

In these books are
all the great heroes
of the American west--

johnny Appleseed,
Pecos bill, Paul Bunyan.

Egad!

Are you going to read me
a bedtime story, Brain?

I'll put on
my jammies...
and chaps!

Yes. I'll read you
a story--

the greatest legend
of them all.

The legend of affordable
universal healthcare?

Something far grander,

for I have entered
all of these tall tales
into the computer,

along with
my own vital statistics,

and programmed it
to combine their most
heroic elements

into one great legend--

the legend of me.

Troz!

We shall distribute
this legend

to libraries and schools
all across the country.

Then, I shall reveal
my living, breathing self
to universal acclaim,

and assume my position
as leader of the world.

Voila, Pinky--
the legend of

big johnny Brain Jones
Peachpit bill Boone Crockett.

Oh, your monogrammed towels
will be awfully busy.

A long time ago,
when the west was young,

there lived
a good-hearted fellow

who wanted nothing more
than to plant peach trees
throughout the land.

Chorus: ♪ big johnny
Brain Jones Peachpit
bill Boone Crockett ♪

♪ he walked through
the land with a peach pit
in his pocket ♪

♪ oh, he stood 'bout as high
as the ankles on a bear ♪

♪ but he planted peach pits
everywhere ♪

♪ yes, he'd plant them
'till his arm ached
in its socket ♪

Brain, narrating:
his only interest

was that settlers in
that unforgiving land

would have
refreshing peach nectar
and delicious cobblers

as they wended their way
west across the frontier.

And if, by chance,
the people should appreciate

his efforts so much
that they chose to make him

their supreme, almighty,
unquestioned leader,

well, that would be
just all right with him.

Now, one day...

Pinky, narrating:
um, excuse me, Brain.

Yes, Pinky?

Isn't there something
missing from your story?

Such as?

Um, I don't know.

Shouldn't big lumpy
Brain hat flapjack frank
have a, um...

sidekick?

A sidekick?

Frontier heroes are
a lone breed,
a solitary lot.

They don't share
their glory.

Oh, please, Brain. Narf!

Can I be
in the happy story?
Please?

Oh, if it will stop
your whining.

Yay!

And the sidekick's name
was...

little piggy
flea pie waffle shoe
clamhead Chris!

Chorus: ♪ little piggy
flea pie waffle shoe
clamhead Chris ♪

♪ skipped through
the west in a constant
state of bliss ♪

♪ oh, he kissed the trees
and he hugged the rocks ♪

♪ and he didn't own
a pair of socks ♪

♪ and he didn't see
the approaching precipice ♪

[Screams]

What are we going
to do today,

big elfy gumshoe
fathead crawdad Vincent?

If you're going
to be my sidekick,

you should try
to get my name right,

little Pinky flea pie
waffle building...

uh... whatever.

Sorry, big flippy
cheesecake hornpipe
tuna boat Steve.

Zort!
[Laughs]

Just call me Brain.

Brain, narrating:
one day, they ran into
a giant stranger.

My name is
big jimmy fruithead,

and I control
the horticulture
in this town.

If'n you're a-plantin'
any fruit trees
in these here parts,

you'll have
to deal with me.

Oh, yeah?
Troz!

Well, my friend has
more names than you,

don't you,
big chummy corn cob
hambone stiltskin Jeff?

Yes, but those
aren't any of them.

Well, alls the same,
I get a shiny gold piece

for every fruit tree
planted hereabouts.

That's right.
All us'n's
townfolks payin',

and we's mighty scared, too.

Our forefathers fought
a great w*r to bring
an end to taxation

by giants who wear...
fruit on their heads.

Uh, actually,
I don't think that's
historically accurate.

Oh, is that so?

Well, maybe you and him
should settle this
by wrestling.

Uh, Pinky--

Big Jimmy:
doink!



Let me do this
my way, Pinky.

Chorus: ♪ big johnny
Brain Jones Peachpit
bill Boone Crockett ♪

♪ knew if
he talked the talk,
he'd have to walk it ♪

♪ so he put a peach pit
in Jim B.'S shoe ♪

♪ and in several months,
a peach tree grew ♪

♪ but meanwhile,
Jim B. Limped away
uncomfortably ♪

oh! Ahh! Oh! Aah! Oh!

Oh, that hurts! Urgh!

Aah!

Brain, narrating:
he barely made it
to the edge of town

when he fell and crushed
a whole row of buildings.

Aah!

Oof.

Brain: and to this day,

that's why apartments
are called flats--

in some parts of england.

Now, we have won
the town's undying
affection, Pinky.

They will worship me,

and I shall become
the greatest folk hero
of the west.

That giant
sure was mean,

but he used
to fix us all

a giant pancake
breakfast

with syrup and
all the fixingses
every morning.

He did?

Well,
how would you like it

if I fixed you
a giant peach cobbler?

Well, how long
is that going to take?

Actually, peach trees
don't reach
fruit-Bearing stage

for about 3 years,

but I'll fix you something.

[All talking at once]

Chorus: ♪ big johnny
what's-His-name had
to keep folks quiet ♪

♪ he'd rustle up a meal
and get them all to try it ♪

♪ so he found some oats
and he put 'em in a lake ♪

♪ and a passel of oatmeal
he did make ♪

♪ 'cause fiber is a part
of every healthy diet ♪

[All cheer]

This oatmeal just
the way I like it--

cold, muddy,
and full of fish!

I like to think of them
as big, scaly raisins
with heads.

There.
Now that I've fed you,

will you worship me
as a folk hero?

Well,
you done real good,

'cept now that you
used up the lake,

we don't got
no water to drink.

Big jimmy fruithead
could have drilled
a well

just by stickin'
his finger
into the ground.

If I build you a well,
then will you be happy

and worship me
as a great folk hero?

Maybe so, but, uh...

big jimmy fruithead
also used to clean out
our stables.

And, uh,
paint our houses.

And lend us
huge sums of money

at extremely reasonable
interest rates.

Now you people are just
trying to take advantage.

Could y'all shine
my shoes?

Will you bathe me?

Poit! Oh, Brain,
the least we can do
is bathe them.

We'll go
to some other town,

where you only have to
do one or 2 noble deeds

to merit
folk hero status.

Come along, Pinky.

Brain, narrating:
and so,

big johnny Brain Jones
Peachpit bill Boone Crockett

and his sidekick,

little piggy flea pie
waffle shoe clamhead Chris
moseyed on,

a-planting peach trees
as they went.

Soon, they reached
the town of lower dirtville.

Pinky, this town
is nothing but a bunch
of ramshackle...

dirt and stuff.

Are you pondering
what I'm pondering?

Um, I think so,

big brainy
fish face stovepipe
wiggle room Eileen,

but if you
get along, little dogie,

wouldn't you just
call it a dachshund?

Little piggy flea pie
waffle shoe clamhead Chris,

what is my name?

Why, it's big stinky
milkmaid sands about

bubaloo flyswatter
horse-Drawn twinkle toe

crumbcake macrame
chicken pot pie.

[Laughs]

Oof!
Cease!

Good people
of lower dirtville,

hear me and be in awe.

I, big johnny
Brain Jones Peachpit
bill Boone Crockett,

have come to perform
heroic deeds

that will ease
your brutish lives.

What's wrong
with our lives?

Well, look at yourselves.

Don't you want houses
to live in?

Who needs houses?
We's got dirt.

Well, don't you want
fresh peaches to eat?

Hmm. What's wrong
with eating dirt?

It was good enough
for my pappy,

and he lived to
the ripe old age of 17.

Still had 3
of his original teeth.

You come in here
with your fancy
city slicker fanciness

and all that fancy talk
about that produce

and other
such fancy things.

Yeah. Y'all get on
out of here before
we tar and dirt you.

Oh, yeah? Well,
my friend is clean,

and you people
are just dirty
and covered with dirt.

And my friend is going
to wait till you're asleep

and mock you,

you dirty, dirt-filled
dirty people of dirt.

No! I won't, really!

Oh, you know
you will, Brain.

Brain, narrating:
and with that,

the people
of lower dirtville
picked up

big johnny Brain Jones
Peachpit bill Boone Crockett

and hurled him
into the grand canyon.

[Screams]

Oof!

And to this day,
that place is known as...

the grand canyon.

I give up, Pinky.

Is there no place
in the old west

where
they appreciate
a true folk hero?

What about
folkheroville?

Don't be silly, Pinky.

There's
no such place as--

folkheroville.

We've stumbled upon
the spawning ground
of the village people!

No, little Pinky.

All the famous
folk heroes of the west

have apparently settled
right here in one town.

Narf! What
an incredible stroke
of contrivance.

Be silent
while I seek out

the wisdom of
their experience.

Greetings, folk heroes.

I, big johnny Brain Jones
Peachpit bill Boone Crockett,

have come
to learn from you

the secret
of becoming a legend.

The secret is...

don't bother.

But Paul Bunyan,

you chopped down
an entire forest
and straightened a river

and received much acclaim.

Yes.

Then them tree-hugging
environmentalists

slapped me
with a lawsuit.

And you, john henry,

you built
the railroads with
your mighty sledgehammer.

Yeah. Then they went and
invented the automobile.

What about you,
Davy Crockett?

Them animal rights
activists threw paint

on my coonskin cap.

Well, I suppose
we should be grateful

that we've gotten out
of the folk hero game

relatively unscathed
by this sort of harassment.

Bunyan: not for long!

Yes! We are a-suing you
for plagiarizing parts
of our names.

Get him!
Yeah!

Chorus: ♪ big johnny
Brain Jones Peachpit
bill Boone Crockett ♪

♪ hightailed it
out of the west
just like a rocket ♪

♪ oh, he didn't make a mark
and he didn't find fame ♪

♪ and he didn't get
to keep his name ♪

♪ he even had to take
his last peach pit
and hock it ♪

[Pinky sobs]

That's a sad and
depressing story, Brain.

The trouble
with computers

is that they're just
too blasted logical.

I must reprogram it in
time for tomorrow night.

Why? What are we going
to do tomorrow night,

big crabby
see-Saw Kwanzaa
hot mutton chop Zeke?

Work on learning
each other's names,

and then,

try to take over
the world!

♪ They're dinky,
they're Pinky and ♪

♪ big johnny
Brain Jones Peachpit
bill Boone Crockett ♪