01x03 - Sex in the Inner City

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ panting ]

John, th-- There's something
you should know about me.

Whatever it is, it's okay.

You see, when I have sex,
I tend to be,

well, kind of vocal.

No problem.

No, no, no, I--
I mean, very, very vocal.

I'm a good listener.
[ gasps ]

Oh, okay.

[ moaning melodically ]

[ gasps ]

[ exotic foreign music playing ]

[ grunts ]

Ow.

Hey, foreign guy.

Whatever
you're doing to the goat,

not my idea of an alarm clock.

Knock it off.

Oh, Jesus.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ horn honking ]

Hey, too damn bad.

Drive around me, idiot.

There's my morning star.

I'll tell you something.
You ever wanna get rid

of all the stupid drivers
in New York,

put a cannon on my car,
'cause sooner or later,

they all find me.

I'm-- I-I'm backing into
the space out front, right?

My space?

And some idiot
swings right in ahead of me.

You pulled back
and blocked him in.

Damn right, I did.

And I'm taking up
half the street.

Cars gotta go into traffic
to get around me.

They can kiss my ass,
'cause I'm not moving.

Ooh.

Whatever happened
to common courtesy?

Where's Reggie?
Out jogging.

I'm in charge.
Mm.

Do you have any idea
what you're doing back there?

I made a lot of coffee
before I lost my sight.

Aw. Apparently you had a
little bit of it left over too.

Hey, Becker,
some guy ripped your antenna off

and he's b*ating
on your car with it.

Doesn't matter.
I don't have a radio.

I don't know what your father
told you about running a diner,

but I'll bet
rule number one wasn't

get a blind guy
to make the coffee.

You know, between your big mouth
and that cigarette,

you're offending
what few senses I have left.

I'm sorry, Becker, but I can't
start my morning without my run.

You ought to try
it yourself.

It could ease
some of that stress.

Oh, yeah, running, great id--
There's only one reason to run.

If you're being chased,
or if you're on fire.

Otherwise, it's dumb.

Just a suggestion.

You know,
every day I see the same guy

jogging around the track
at the high school.

His dog just sits there
and watches him.

One of them is running,
one of them is not.

The one who's not gets his poop
picked up by the other one.

You tell me who's smarter.

You're a doctor. You wouldn't
tell a patient to get exercise?

I do tell my patients
to get exercise.

And they don't.

Nice little game we play.

Look, forget it.
I'll get you your eggs.

Eggs,
cigarettes and no exercise.

At least you won't
be bugging me for long.

You know, John,
you got it all wrong.

I mean, running's great.

I miss it.

It was always good for relieving
sexual tension too.

Yeah, what do you
do about that now?

The sexual tension?
I have sex.

Being blind doesn't
keep you from having sex.

Actually, with my last wife
it would've helped.
Hm.

But, you know, sometimes,

well, if there
isn't a woman around...

How do I put this?

You run in place?

Well, I have
already gone blind.
Ha-ha.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Linda, I thought I told you
to put a lab coat on over that.

Oh, come on, Margaret,
I did, but it's too hot.

The radiator's
overheating again.

The repairman's
on the way.

In the meantime,
cover up.

This is a doctor's office,

not a disco
or Haircuts by Hippies,

or whatever the name of that
place was you worked before.

Dr. Becker said
I could wear whatever I want.

In the first place, I guarantee
he wasn't listening to you.

And in the second place,
you work for me, and so does he.

He just doesn't know it.

Oh, for God's sake, girl,
take a little pride in yourself.

Yes, ma'am.

Just for your information,

the place I worked before
is called Supercuts,

part of a respected
national chain.

And the fact that I didn't work
out there wasn't their fault,

thank you very much.

Hi, good morning.
You're late.

I know, I know.
Some schmuck in a Hyundai

took my space
in front of the diner.

And you had to block him
in with your car.

What happened?

He tried to ram his way out.
Fat chance.

Oh, why's it so hot in here?

Oh, the radiator's
on the fritz again.

I called. They're sending
a repairman over.

Well, it's boiling.
When's he getting here?

Well,
he's a repairman.

You got a better chance
of pinning down

what day Jesus
is coming back.

Bag lady on the corner
says Thursday.

Gloria,
what's supermom doing here?

My husband and I were driving
to the A&P last night

and had an accident.

Took a little blow
to the back of my head.

Oh, well,
let's see what we got here.

Okay.

Oh, wow.
Yeah, you got quite a bump.

Mm.

How do you hit the back of
your head while you're driving?

I don't know.
I was turned around.

You were turned around
while you were driving?

That's new.

Well, we weren't
exactly driving.

And, okay, we weren't on our way
to the A&P. The car was parked.

It's parked? What--?
W-w-what were you doing?

[ laughs ]

What?

Is that look
what I think it is?

Frank and I got
a little carried away.

Gloria, what are you,
a teenager? In a parked car?

Wha--? What's wrong with the--?
The bedroom?

Well, you have five kids
and try to find a moment alone.

You wouldn't believe
some of the places

Frank and I have
to sneak off to.

Yeah, well, spare me the tour.

Good to see you again,
Gloria.

You got a simple contusion.

Just go home
and put some ice on it.

Directly on my head?

Yeah, that too.

Doctor, do you have
a problem with these?

These?

These clothes.

Margaret says that
anyone who goes around

dressed like this
has no self-respect.

And I'm not saying
I'm the capital of self-respect,

but I feel pretty
good about myself.

I mean, the clothes
I wear have no effect

on the way I do my job.

Sure,
if I wore a suit of magnets,

then metal stuff would just
come flying at me, so I don't.

But my point is,
is that if I had to go out

and buy a whole bunch
of other stuff,

well, it'd cost me a lot,

and I couldn't do that
on what I'm making here.

And I'm not asking
you for more money,

although if you offered it
to me, I wouldn't turn it down.

Wow,
I just asked for raise. Cool.

[ sighs ]

Wear what you want.
No raise. Go away.

Mr. Morello, John Becker.
Hi, nice to meet you, doctor.

Nice to meet you too.
You're here for a physical?

Ah, it's just what
I told your nurse.

All I need is for you to refill
a prescription for me.

No big deal.
Just...Viagra.

Mr. Morello,
are you impotent?

Oh, God, no.

I'm divorced.

I'm beginning to get around a
little, if you know what I mean.

See, I got a different date
every night of the week.

It seems only fair that Friday
gets the same quality as Monday.

Then my advice to you
is to sleep all day Thursday.

Hey, come on. My other doctor
wouldn't prescribe any more.

I need this stuff.

With Viagra, I'm like
a 17-year-old boy again.

Look, Viagra is a treatment
for a very specific

and very serious condition.

Ever since it came out,

I have had every
middle-aged Lothario

with hair growing
out of his ears

sleazing in here
begging for a booster sh*t.

You think I'm gonna
hand you a loaded g*n

so you can go on a rampage?

You're out
of your mind, pal.

Come on, doc, I--
I was married for 15 years.

I feel like I've been
on the bench forever.

Now I'm back in the game.

Please, doc,
give me the bat.

You just ruined baseball
for me, you know that?

And-- And button your shirt.
You're making me sick.

What is this,
National Sex Day?

I got a woman
doing it in a parked car.

This clown wants Viagra.

Everybody I see this morning
has sex on the brain.

Not me.
I got up at 6 this morning,

made breakfast,
took two trains

so I could get here
to be in this heat.

I'm clear.

Oh, hey, you showed up.

That's very nice of you.

Hey, we said we'd be out by 9.

It's almost 11.
That's not bad.

That's two hours. I get some
kind of break in the price?

I'll make it up to you
with a free oven mitt.

You've got a really
old system here.

The pipes are clogged.

You gotta
let off the pressure,

or the system
won't handle it.

Does that make sense?
Just send the oven mitt.

Oh, Marvin Johnson
is waiting in your office.

Why, what's wrong? We didn't
schedule him today, did we?

No, no, nothing's wrong.

I called Mount Sinai.
His T-cell count is stable.

He just came in this morning
on his way to school

and said he wanted
to talk to you.

Oh, well, after my morning,

it'll be refreshing
to talk to a 7-year-old.

Hey, M.J., how you doing?

Where do babies come from?

[ sighs ]

Europe.

Anything else?
I'm kind of worried.

My brother told me
if I see a girl naked,

that she's
gonna have a baby.

Yesterday,
I saw my cousin Francine naked.

I don't wanna have a baby
with her. She's mean.

Oh, they all are, kid.

Come here,
come here. Let me, uh--

Let me talk
to you for a second.

Now, I'm doctor, right?

M.J., I've seen--
I've seen lots of naked women.

I don't have any children.

Yeah, that's true.

What's your problem?

Look, next time your brother
lays some theories on you,

I want you to come
see me first, okay?

Thanks,
that makes me feel better.

Good.
Nice to see you always.

Anything else
I can do for you?

Well, while I got you,

how do you get a baby?

Uh, well, M.J., uh...

a man and a woman
can only have a baby

when they love each other
very much.

Okay. What's sex?

Sex is what they use

against each other
when they don't.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

WOMAN [ moaning ]:
Yes, oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh.

Who's back there?
Shh. Who cares?

Imagine whoever you want.

[ sighs ]

How long have you two guys
been out here?

Long enough.

[ sighs ]

So, what the hell
was that about?

Oh, please.
Jake was massaging my shoulders.

Sometimes, I tighten up after
a run, and he has great hands.

Yeah, all that reading
I do keeps 'em limber.

You actually thought I was
having sex in there with Jake?

Hey.

Not that I wouldn't
fool around with Jake.

Jake is back.

I'm saying I wouldn't do it in
the kitchen with all the food.

That's disgusting.

So, what do you wanna eat,
Becker?

Now? Nothing.

Man, you are some
of the most uptight people

I have ever met.

You think making
it in a kitchen's weird?

Try Grant's Tomb.

You did it on Grant's Tomb?
Well, not on Grant's Tomb.

I'm not gonna do it on top
of somebody's resting place.

We got naked and fooled around
in that little park down there.

What kind of freak
do you think I am?

I can do you
one better than that.

How about the torch
of the Statue of Liberty?

Get out.

I made love
to my new girlfriend up there.

I don't believe you.
I swear on my wife's head.

Having sex in public places
is very exciting.

And the fear of getting caught

adds that
real erotic kick.

Or so I've read.

What about you, sir? What's
your most interesting place?

I don't know
you people well enough

to talk about
something like that.

And I don't
know you at all.

I shared with you.

Look, I did not come here
to talk about sex.

My most interesting place
is none of your business.

What the hell's
going on today?

Why are you getting
all bent out of shape, man?

I mean, we're just talking
about a natural thing.

Yeah, John,
it's no biggie.

I don't like talking
about it, all right?

Maybe there's not
anything much to talk about.

I have plenty to talk about.
You know, who knows?

Maybe I've taken a woman
to Mount Rushmore

and done it up
Lincoln's nose.

But you're never
gonna find out,

because I keep
those things to myself.

I say he's horny as a toad.

Shut up, will ya?

You do sound
a little defensive, Becker.

Yeah,
even I can see that.

I'm not talking about this.

You know,
people spend so much time

taking about sex,
they can't--

They can't possibly be getting
as much as they say they are.

They're too busy calling talk
shows, or typing in chat rooms,

or sitting around diners
swapping stories

about the weirdest place
they ever did it.

The Statue of Liberty?

Sue me.
I'm a patriot.

Listen,
just 'cause I live alone,

and-- And work long hours,

and eat most of my meals
sitting right here,

does not mean
what you think it means.

You know, I'm fine.
I'm just-- Just fine.

You wanna sit around here,
debase yourself all day?

Go ahead.
I've got better things to do.

Let's not let him
in here anymore.

[ blues theme playing ]

Okay, Margaret,
I'm wearing the lab coat

just like you told me to.

Are you wearing
anything under it?

[ huffs ]

Margaret,
here's a tip for ya:

keep your kids
out of our national monuments.

Who's up?

Uh, new patient in Room 2,

and a walk-in from
the gym down the street.

Yeah, what room?
Right behind you.

Oh, hi-- Lisa?

Dr. John Becker,
come on back.

Actually, I'm having trouble
putting weight on my leg.

Could you help me?
Uh, sure. How did this happen?

I am so embarrassed.

I was teaching
a body sculpting class

and I fell
and twisted my ankle.

I'm not too heavy
for you, am I?

No, no, you're fine.

Hey, doc,

when was the last time
you had it serviced?

Excuse me?

Your system.

How long's it been since
you blew your pipes out?

I-- I have no idea.
Just-- Just fix it.

This has never happened.
I never get hurt.

And I'm the most flexible woman
you'll ever meet.

Ah, well, th-- That's nice.
Go ahead and put that gown on.

No, shut the door.

Oh, where am I?

Ah, eczema.
Thank you, God.

Oh, brother.

Doctor,
thank you for seeing me.

Look,
I don't know how this started,

but I have
got to get rid of it.

Well, let's just, uh,
see what we can do, here.

Uh, Carmen...

I don't have
a last name for you here.

Well, that's my name.
I'm known only as Carmen.

Ah. Well, uh,
does your insurance company

know you only
as Carmen, Carmen?

I'm paying cash.

Well, then,
the hell with these bastards.

Uh, so where's the, uh--?
Where's the problem?

Well, see this here
on the back of my neck?

It's like this all over.

Between my breasts,
on my thigh.

Do you want me
to take my clothes off?

No, hold it, hold it. Um,
we'll just work our way down.

Ahem. I mean, uh,
no, we'll take our time.

Just...no.

See, I've got
to keep my skin perfect.

I'm a dancer.

Ah. Broadway?

No, lap.

Yeah, I work close up.

And every night I miss
means a lot of money to me.

Ah, yes.
Yeah, I'm sure.

Um, well, you--

You're right,
you do have eczema.

Uh, do you use
a moisturizer?

Every day.

After I shower,
I lotion my whole body.

I start at my ankles,
and I slowly massage it in

all the way up to my legs.

Ah! Sorry.

Excuse me.

Well, you know, uh, what causes
this a lot is, uh, stress.

Anything out of the ordinary
going on with you?

Yeah.

I have eczema.

Right, right. Right.

Uh, I meant, are you under
a lot of, uh--? A lot of stress?

Well, I dance
six nights a week.

I mean, that's stressful enough.
Yeah.

Ah. Sometimes,
I just wish I could get away

for a couple of days
with someone.

Hm.
Out of the city,
where no one knows us.

Be together,
no strings attached,

and just let it out.

Go wild.

Everyone needs a little
of that once in a while,

don't you think?

Oh, I'm with you there.

I mean, yes, no,
you're absolutely right. Ahem.

Do you wanna see the rest?

No. Oh, no. No, no,
that won't be necessary.

Uh, I'll--
I'll tell you what.

This is a--
A cortisone ointment.

Why don't you go ahead
and just apply that

to all the areas
that need application.

I'm glad you got
me over here, doc.

Your system
is getting ready to blow.

Stay away from me.

[ dialing ]

[ clears throat ]

Uh, Dr. Yates, please.
Dr. Becker calling.

[ clears throat ]

Julie?
Hi, John Becker. Ahem.

I-I know it's been
a long time since I called,

but I-I've been
thinking about you lately,

and, um,
I just thought...

You know,
I thought...

Would you like
to go out to dinner?

You know, catch a movie?

Catch up a little?

No, that-- That's true, I--
I do wanna do that too.

But it-- It wouldn't--
It wouldn't stop me

from seeing a movie first,
you know.

Not-- Not a real long one.

Well, you--

You're the one who said
it was just physical.

Well, fine.
You know, fine.

Just remember,
next time you need me,

just...

give me a call.

What's going on?
You're falling behind.

Uh, I'm just
a little preoccupied, Marg.

[ clears throat ]

Anything you
wanna talk about?

Oh, it's nothing I'm really
comfortable discussing.

Who's next?

Oh, the, uh, Parker sisters.

You know, those busty
twins that shake it

all over the neighborhood?

Yeah, let me--
Let me guess.

They both came in
with chest colds.

How did you know that?

Been one of
those days, Marg.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ exotic foreign music playing ]

Hey, foreign guy,
give it a rest.

Oh, look at that.
Even Kaddafi's got a girl.

[ piano music playing on TV ]

WOMAN 1 [ on TV ]:
Hi, I'm Tiffany. Call me.

I wanna tell you things
I've never told anyone.

Oh, hot, nasty things--

WOMAN 2:
Do you want firm,
shapely, sexy buns?

I mean, just look at these!

WOMAN 3:
Jerry, I don't
think nymphomaniac

is a big enough word
to describe me.

WOMAN 4:
And in our final story
for tonight,

we'd like to wish a special
happy birthday to Hazel Myers.

Today, the oldest woman
in New York is 106 years old.

And not looking
too bad either.

[ blues theme playing ]

Wh--?!

Becker?
Don't say a word.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]