01x12 - Love! Lies! Bleeding!

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

Oh, jeez, get a room,
will you?

Jake, can you believe--?

Oh, come on, this is supposed
to be a civilized society.

It's not France,
for God's sake.

Let me guess.
That's your version of

"Happy Valentine's Day."

It's Valentine's Day?
Oh, crap.

BECKER:
Valentine's Day.

It's the shallowest,

greediest exploitation
of emotion

since my second marriage.

It's not even a real holiday.
You know that, don't you?

It was created
by an evil cartel of florists,

candy manufacturers
and champagne makers.

If you ask me, the government
should stop hounding Microsoft

and get the damn greeting card
companies off our backs.

You know, Becker,
I hate Valentine's Day too.

Whoa.

You and I agree
about something?

I know.
It scares me too.

But you're right.
All the pressure.

"Will I get a date?
Won't I get a date?

Gotta get a date,
didn't get a date."

Who needs it?

Congratulations, John,

you've just claimed
another soul.

Hello, Reggie.
REGGIE: Ugh.

Yeah, that's right.
Bob's back.

I think you just solved
your date problem.

As I was giving a buck
to a wino on the corner,

we shared a laugh at
how pathetic your life's become.

So on this day of love,
Bob has decided to take pity

and bring you a humble gift.

Just a little something.

Kind of like you.

No need to get me
a gift in return.

A slow hug will suffice.

And if by chance,
during that hug,

Bob should start moving
from side to side,

don't be alarmed.

And if I should get out
my baseball bat

and start swinging it
from side to side,

don't you be alarmed.

Jeez, you and my wife
with the baseball bats.

Get out, Bob.

All right, Bob's gotta go.

BOB:
But just remember,

if you need Bob,
all you have to do is whistle.

You know how to whistle,
don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Put my lips together
and blow.

Wow.

What a hot way to put it.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

You know what I love
about Valentine's Day?

All year long,
women put you through hell.

This is the one
day of the year

you can get in for
a box of candy.

[ chuckles ]

Yeah, so you need this
lousy holiday

just so you can get lucky.

Boy, that's sad,
you know, Jake?

Well, gee, John,
I'm really surprised

that you hate
Valentine's Day,

considering you
have such a

vibrant and active
social life.

[ chuckling ]:
Oh, that's right.
Sorry.

You know something,
Jake?

You're right,
I shouldn't talk.

Hey, was that your girlfriend
you were with before?

Yeah, that's Molly.
Why?

Oh, nothing. That's...

That's really nice
of you, Jake.

Can I have some coffee there,
Reg, please?

Nice of me?
What are you talking about?

W-what's wrong
with Molly?

Nothing's wrong
with her, man.

I'm just saying it's a nice
thing you're doing,

going out with her.

Reg, what's he
talking about?

Is there something wrong
with Molly?

Oh, relax, Jake.
Molly is lovely.

Lovely? Wait.

Lovely is what women say
about other women

when they're trying
to be kind.

Wait a minute,
how hideous is she?

[ man screams ]

What is it?
What's wrong?

The bitch stabbed me
with a fork.

You deserved it, you liar.
You're an animal!

I'm an animal?
She's an animal!

Hold still, will you?
Look what she did to me.

Yeah, you're lucky
that's all I did.

You couldn't have stabbed him
at home like decent people?

He slept with my sister.
I should have cut his thing off.

Hold still.
This might hurt a little.

Ow!

A little?
Yeah.

Just press down on that,
right there, will you?

I hope it hurts.
Let me have a towel, Reggie.

Anything else?

Yeah, I'm still waiting
on my coffee.

And I didn't sleep
with your ugly-ass sister.

My sister is not ugly.
She is lovely.

Lovely? Oh, damn.

I'm the only guy in town
who didn't sleep with her.

Oh, what does that mean?

My sister's a slut now?
Would you shut up?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Shut up, will you?

You're beginning to
sound like

open mic night
at a trailer park.

I will yell as much
as I want to,

Mr. Thinks-He's-Better-Than-Me.

That's
Dr. Thinks-He's-Better-Than-You.

Let me have that,
will you?

This is not that bad.

Go get some antibiotics
and a tetanus sh*t, all right?

You better go to an
emergency room

just in case there's,
uh, nerve damage.

Nerve damage.
You happy now?

No, I should have stuck it
in your heart.

Wow, Becker, I've never seen you
actually be a doctor before.

That was really cool.

What?

My coffee?

[ blues theme playing ]

Mmm, of course I'll be
your valentine.

Uh-uh,
I love you more.

No, I love you more.

Oh, I gotta go, Raoul.

No, you hang up first.

No, you hang up first.

Oh, don't make me be
the one to--

It was either hang up
or throw up.

I'm sorry, Margaret.
Raoul just completes me.

Well, something had to.

It's just so romantic
meeting on Valentine's Day.

That's who you were talking to?
A guy you just met?

Yeah, on the train
this morning.

I saw him walking
my way,

but the only seat near me
was next to poncho guy.

So he sat down--
Poncho guy?

Yeah, he's the guy on the train
everyone avoids

'cause he wears
a poncho.

Just a poncho.

Anyways, he sat down
right next to him

just to be near me.

How do you know he didn't
sit near you

just to be next to
poncho guy?

Hey, if you're gonna
pee on my car,

at least pee on
the dusty parts.

Good morning, John.

Happy Valentine's Day,
Dr. Becker.

No, no, no,
I don't do Valentine's Day.

I just spent the morning
breaking up a fight

between two
psycho lovebirds,

missed my breakfast and ruined
a perfectly good shirt.

Oh, you mean the
blood stain?

No, this annoying
row of buttons.

So are you and your husband
doing something romantic

for Valentine's Day?

Afraid not.

My sister brought her husband
and three kids

up from South Carolina.

So unless we can do it in
the mailbox,

we're not doing it.

Oh, you got a
Valentine's Day card. Sweet.

Yeah, sweet.

Oh, look at this.
It's from a secret admirer.

That's-- That's gonna
drive me crazy all day.

It wasn't you,
was it, Margaret?

Yeah, it was me.

I love you, I need you.

Take me, you gorgeous
hunk of man meat.

All right, all right, all right.
I hate this.

You know, today's secret admirer
is tomorrow's stalker, you know.

Next thing you know, I'll be in
some abandoned warehouse,

lying unconscious and nude
in the middle of a pentagram.

Boy, I didn't get that
at all.

[ blues theme playing ]

Hey, Danny, what's up?

I want a vasectomy.

Right now?

Hey, you see,
I recently started having sex.

And, well, a vasectomy is
the key to my future plans.

Which are?

I plan to have
a lot more sex.

Well, I hear you.
I hear you.

Um, how about using a--?

Yeah, yeah, safe sex, right?
I'm there, okay?

But a vasectomy is
the only way to make sure

there aren't any mistakes.

I mean, you know my family, doc.
Every one of us was an accident.

Mm-hm.

Well, there's always
abstinence.

Yeah, what was I thinking?
Uh...

Boy, you know, I'm gonna have
to think about this one.

Tell you what, come back in
a couple hours, we'll talk.

Okay, but my mind's
made up.

Well, give me
a couple hours.

You can find something to do
for a couple hours, can't you?

Oh, yeah.

You think I'm special?

You're special.

Oh, I gotta go, Raoul.

Bye.

Raoul and I hit a rough patch,
but we worked through it.

And now, we're in
an even better place.

I'd ask, "Who's Raoul?"
But then, you might tell me.

Is this for me, Linda?

Uh, no, I was just writing
what my name would be

if I married Raoul.

It just says Linda.

I don't know his
last name.

Hi, Mary.
Hi.

When did this start?
About an hour ago.

Have any trouble breathing
or swallowing?

No, but believe me, this itching
is driving me crazy.

I feel like my cat.

Your cat?

Yeah, she has fleas.
Oh.

Just take a deep breath.

You come into contact
with anything unusual today?

Well, the woman
I share my cubicle with,

she got this huge
bouquet of roses

for Valentine's Day
from her boyfriend.

Oh.
Her husband sent her candy.

She's cheating on him.

Yeah, I got that.

All I did was smell
the roses.

I've never been allergic
to anything before.

Well, allergies can pop up
at any time.

Kind of like holidays.

You know, it's like this
weird emotional obstacle course.

No sooner do you get past

the rotating blades of
Thanksgiving,

that you gotta duck under
the live a*mo

of Christmas
and New Year's.

And then when you think
you're home free:

Bam! You get att*cked
by some little cupid bastard.

I mean, you know, whoever gave
a baby a bow and arrow anyway?

Are you okay?

Hm? Oh, the-- Uh...

Yes, never mind.

That's, uh, Benadryl.

BECKER:
I'm gonna give that to you
to help relieve the itching.

I'm also gonna give you
a prescription of prednisone.

It should stop that reaction
from spreading.

Thank you.
Mary, I don't know.

It could've been the roses.
It could be anything.

But just to be safe,
if you have another att*ck,

come right back here
or go to a hospital, all right?

Of all the things to be
allergic to on Valentine's Day,

[ chuckling ]:
roses, huh?

With my luck,
I'll go on my honeymoon

and find out I'm
allergic to sex.

Well, that's why hotel rooms
have minibars.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Hello, Reggie,
Bob's back.

Oy.

That's right.
Twice in one day.

It's a Bob twofer.

What can I do for you, Bob?

Whoa, whoa, stretch.
No time for that now.

Not that Bob isn't always up
for an afternoon delight.

But now I'm a little
preoccupied.

Bob forgot to get his beautiful
wife a Valentine's gift.

And believe me, Bob did not get
her a pair of expensive breasts

so he could be denied
access to them.

So how's about giving me back
that present I gave you earlier?

No problem.
It's in the dumpster out back.

Yeah? Acting like
you're not interested.

Bob gets that a lot.

But in light of
my wife's temper,

let's keep this relationship
our little secret.

There is no relationship.

That's my girl.

Do you know where I could find
a really big roach motel?

At least Bob knows
what his girlfriend looks like.

Oh, come on, Jake.

You're the one who's
always telling me

not to pay attention
to Becker.

He's just yanking your chain.
Molly's adorable.

Oh, come on, not adorable.

I mean, adorable is code
for "don't look directly at her.

Use a box with
a little hole in it."

REGGIE:
Oh, good job, Becker.

Jake's a quivering blob,

thanks to your little
head games.

Oh, no, pal.
What did I do?

Hey, John, no fooling.
Man to man, all right?

What does Molly
look like?

Well, I'll say this,

when she walks into a room,
you certainly look twice.

Kiss my ass.

Certainly not the most romantic
invitation I've ever gotten.

Oddly enough,
not the least either.

Reggie, I'm, uh--

I'm asking everybody. Um...

Did you send me
a Valentine's Day card?

Do you see a mark on my head

where a g*n barrel
was jammed against it?

You're right, you're right.
I should have known.

Oh, wait a minute.

Your hair, it's different.

No, it's not.
Yes, it is.

You got those stringy cowlicky
things you think look good.

Oh, wait a minute.
You had a dress cleaned?

I know that dress.
That's your cleavage dress.

Oh, come on, Reg.

You got a Valentine's Day date,
don't you?

All right, I have a date.

This guy I know called,
and, well...

I just didn't wanna sit
at home tonight

like some lonely
pathetic loser.

No offence.

None taken.

I just hope that
when you and your valentine

are toasting each other
with champagne,

the bitter taint of betrayal
will linger on your liar's lips.

Where did you come up
with that?

Printed on my alimony checks.

[ blues theme playing ]

Good news. Raoul and I had
a fight, but we made up.

Oh, good.

'Cause if you two crazy kids
can't make it,

what hope is there
for the rest of us?

Oh, Danny,
just the man I wanna see.

Step into my office,
will you?

Margaret, did Dr. Osborn
send over the tape?

It's all set up
in your office.

Thank you.

Hey, doc, that chick
that works here,

is she seeing somebody?

No, but she certainly
should be.

Okay, Danny.

So you can familiarize
yourself with this procedure,

I had a urologist friend of mine
send over a tape

of an actual vasectomy.

Go ahead and sit down
and watch the movie here.

What, no Jujubes?

You know, that would actually
be a great title

for what you're about to see.

That's great news.

I'll be there soon to give you
a big Valentine's Day kiss.

Bye.

Wrong number?

That was my Louis.

[ giggles ]

Do you know what
that big,

sweet husband of mine did?

He packed my sister and her
family off to the Travelodge

so we could have
the whole house to ourselves

for Valentine's Day.

We're gonna have some wine,
and then dance and then--

Uh, Margaret, Margaret...

Oh, I'm sharing again,
aren't I?

Sorry.

Oh, by the way,

the ER from Saint Ursula's
called.

Mary Gallagher
had another allergy att*ck.

She's fine, but they're
gonna hold her overnight.

I better get over there.
How's the schedule?

Oh, it's clear except for
Mr. Gellman's cardiogram,

and I can do that.

And your last two appointments
aren't pressing,

so if you want,
I can cancel them.

Leaving you free
to go home early?

Oh, I do believe you're right.
BECKER: Oh.

What a lucky coincidence.

There's something
I'd like you both to know.

I'm just gonna say it
and then put it behind me.

Raoul and I broke up.

Bummer.

We were kidding ourselves.
We'd grown too far apart.

Well, at least you have
the memory

of those 10 minutes
you actually spent together.

And I wouldn't trade that
for anything in the world.

You're such a dear.

Now, if you two will excuse me,
I need to go clear my head.

That shouldn't take
too long.

Hey, Jake,
what are you doing here?

Hey, John.

I know that it's shallow to care
about Molly's looks,

b-but I need to know.

What's wrong with her?

Oh, come on, man,
I was just screwing with you.

She's lovely.

She looks a little bit like--
Like Tyra Banks.

Well,
that doesn't help me.

I don't know what she
looks like.

Well, then, you're just
gonna have to trust me.

Oh, no, you don't.
That's what got me into this.

You know what?

It doesn't matter
what Molly looks like.

I liked her before,
and I like her now.

You know something?
You're right, I'm sorry.

As long as you
like Molly,

it doesn't matter
what she looks like.

JAKE:
You're going to hell,
John Becker.

So they say.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, doc?

Oh, look at you, man.

You're all green around
the edges. You all right?

That tape was the most
disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, I thought
you might feel that way.

Thank God,
I'll be asleep for mine.

Whoa. Whoa, you--
You're gonna go ahead with this?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've weighed all the
pros and cons,

and I still believe
it's the right decision.

I see.

Can I see your hat
for a second?

You're not getting
a vasectomy.

You're 16 years old,
you idiot.

Come on, I'll give you
a ride home.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah.

WOMAN [ on PA ]:
Nurse Adams,
please call the pharmacy.

Nurse Adams,
please call the pharmacy.

Smelled the roses again,
didn't you?

I just feel so stupid.

Yeah, well, good.

I spoke to the resident
who examined you.

He says you're gonna be
all right.

Reaction was kind of severe,

but you should be out of here
tomorrow morning.

I know I should have just
stayed away from the roses,

but you know--
I know, I know.

It's Valentine's Day.

I swear, you know--

The only person who ever
celebrated this day right

was Al Capone.

You know, I've seen more lives
turned upside down today

by this phony holiday,
you know.

It takes love and it just
turns it into

a pain-in-the-ass
obligation.

If we're not careful,
the phrase "I love you"

is gonna turn into something
as meaningless as,

you know,
"Have a nice day,"

"Check's in the mail,"

"I promise I won't s*ab you
with a fork."

I was with you
right up until the fork.

Yeah, I know.

Sorry, it's been a weird day,
you know.

To top it off,
somebody's sent me

this secret admirer card.

It's been
driving me crazy.

Was it you?

No, I'm engaged.

All right, all right.

Well, feel better.

Good night.
Good night.

You know, maybe the person
who sent you that is just shy,

and they were trying
to find some way

to tell you
you're important to them.

Or that they admire you.

That's kind of nice,
don't you think?

You know, you're right.

I didn't think of it that way.

Thank you.
That makes it kind of special.

Herman?
Herman, is that you?

Excuse me?

Herman, it's me, Tillie.

I knew you'd come see me
on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, I'm sorry,
but I'm not--

Come closer, please.

[ sighs ]

Oh, jeez.

A-all right, I'm here now.

You can go back to sleep.

No, uh, hold my hand.

Sit with me.

Do you remember our first
Valentine's Day together?

[ laughs ]

Oh, how we danced.

Do you remember that song?

Song?

Our song.
The one we danced to?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah,
great song.

Uh, l-listen,
I really have--

Sing it for me.

What?

Just like you used to,
Herman.

Sing it.

Oh, uh,
you know something?

I don't think I remember
the words.

Oh, sure you do.
Remember?

No, w-we'll sing it
together.

Huh?

♪ Moonlight

♪ Becomes you
♪ You

♪ A thrill with a sigh
♪ Thrill, mm-mm

♪ Sigh

♪ And I could get so
♪ So

♪ Romantic tonight
♪ Romantic tonight

♪ Now don't-- ♪
Look, that's enough.

That's enough singing,
that's enough.

Uh, I think it's exciting you
too much.

W-w-why don't you just
go back to sleep?

You're right.

Yeah.

Happy Valentine's Day,
Herman.

I love you.

Uh, super, super.
Um...

S-say it.

Tell me you love me too.

I love you.

That's nice.

Now give me
a kiss good night.

BECKER:
Oh, crap.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]