01x17 - Partial Law

[bunniefuu]

[ upbeat blues theme playing ]

Just caught a whiff of something
strange coming from outside.

It's like a combination
of exhaust fumes,

hair tonic
and really cheap cologne.

Hello, wage slaves.

Bob's back.

That explains it.

Long time no see.

Kind of your life story, huh?

Times like this, I don't mind.

Hello, Reggie.

Why are you here, Bob?

I was in the neighborhood.

I meant on Earth.

Ah, admit it, slim.

You haven't been able
to stop thinking

about me
since high school.

Bob, I never think about you.

Not when you're here,
not when you're not here.

Never. I'm not even thinking
about you right now.

Seems like you're spending
an awful lot of time

not thinking about me.

I like that.

All right,
just a word of warning:

Don't anybody start bitching

about what a lousy night
you had,

'cause I guarantee ya,
mine was worse.

Hey, slick,
we were in the middle

of a conversation here.

No, we weren't.

I never thought
I'd say these words,

but go on, Becker.

I come home last night,
my apartment door is wide open.

Turns out somebody robbed me.

Oh, no.
Well, what did they get?

Mm. The only thing I have
worth stealing: my computer.

Coffee to go, please.

Sure. Sorry, Becker.

Well, did you
call the police?

No, I-I felt this was a job
for the Rockettes.

The police were no help at all.

Did you slip the cop 10 bucks?
BECKER: What?

Whenever I deal with them,
I always grease the guy.

I'm guessing you grease
everything you touch.

Hey,

Little Stevie,

no one asked you.

Look, if you don't
wanna get screwed,

you gotta learn
how to finagle the system.

Case in point, don't be a sap
and tell the insurance company

it was just your computer
that got stolen.

But it was just my computer.
No.

It was your computer,
your CD player,

your grandmother's jewelry,

and, uh, that brand-new
set of golf clubs.

So your brilliant advice
is to cheat

the insurance company.
Is that it?

Last time Bob got robbed,
he reported

everything missing
but the Hubble Telescope.

You know,
I hate to say it, John,

but the little ferret
does make a point.

Sometimes it takes
a little creative accounting

to get what's rightfully yours.

You sound like you're talking
from experience, Jake.

What, me?
Oh, never.

Oh, please. I've seen you
count your register.

Half that cash
goes right in your pocket.

Government's always giving money
to people with disabilities.

I'm just cuttin' out
the middleman.

But speaking of cheating,

let's talk about your famous
veal cutlet sandwich.

Jake.

Whoa, I-I eat that
all the time.

Wha-- What's wrong
with the veal?

It's turkey.

[ laughing ]

Ah, Reg.

Well, I couldn't stand to think
of those cute little calves

and how awfully they're treated,
so I made a substitution.

Yeah, what-- What's humanitarian
about charging veal prices

for a turkey sandwich?

Hey, you're gettin'
a veal cutlet for 4.95.

Quit bitching.

Here I thought
this was a nice little diner,

turns out
it's a den of thieves.

Now, come on, John,
lighten up, would ya?

Yeah, Becker.
Everybody does it.

Now, you see, that's
what's wrong with the world.

Everybody says everybody
does it, so everybody does it.

Well, not everybody does it,
'cause I don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Save it for the tourists.

Look, if you want
a new computer,

no questions asked,
I know a guy.

Haven't you heard a word I said?
I'm not that kind of guy.

You don't have to be.
My guy's that kind of a guy.

New rule, Bob. From now on, you
must be this tall to talk to me.

You got that?

Look, do you want
the computer or not?

Margaret, what time's

the insurance agent
supposed to be here?

All she said was sometime
this morning. Just relax.

Yeah, that's easy for you to
say. Have you ever been robbed?

Oh, please. I have lived
in New York my whole life.

I was held up
on prom night.

By my date.

Dr. Becker,
I just want you to know

that I feel your pain.

Oh, thank you, Linda.

You must feel
so violated.

I mean, someone
was in your home,

touching your stuff,

doing God knows what
to all your private things.

How can you even feel safe
to go to sleep at night

knowing that not only
was someone there,

[ whispers ]:
but that they might come back?

D-Don't you ever stop and think
what you're about to say

before you start talking?

No, I like to hear it
for the first time

with everyone else.

Excuse me.

I'm Susan Fox
from Evergreen Insurance.

Are you Dr. Becker?
Yes, John Becker.

Thank you so much for coming.

I can't tell you how anxious
I am to get this settled.

Well, I'm glad
to be able to help.

At Evergreen Insurance,
we pride ourselves

on being there when you need us.
Oh, that's great.

S-Sit-- Sit down here. Um--
Thank you.

Let's see, I got my, uh,

original receipt
for the computer.

Uh-huh.
As you can see, I spent $2,000.

Over here is the, uh--
The, uh, police report.

Well, you're certainly
very organized, doctor.

And I would like to compliment
you on your honesty.

A lot of people try
to inflate their losses

to take advantage of the
"big bad" insurance company.

Uh, well, thank you, you know.

I-I believe in playing
by the rules.

All right. Well, it says here
that with depreciation,

your computer today
would be worth $500.

Wha--? Wha--? Whoa-- Whoa--
Whoa-- Whoa. I-I spent 2,000.

I-- I can't accept
a check for 500.

Oh, I'm so glad you said that,
because most people

forget about their deductible.

Yours is $100, so I'm prepared
to authorize a check for 400.

Well--? How am I supposed
to get a new computer for that?

I mean, what kind of scam
are you people running?

Oh, I know, I know,
it's just terrible, isn't it?

If ever there was a business
in need of serious reform,

[ whispers ]:
it's ours.

How am I supposed to replace
a computer for $400?

You know, it's interesting that
you bring that up, actually,

because I can offer you
a more comprehensive coverage--

Ho-- Hold on, hold on, uh--

After burning me
on my old policy,

you're actually trying
to sell me on a new one?

Oh, I know, I know.
I just can't help myself.

Well, this is--
This is ridiculous.

I'm not gonna take this.

You know,
I'm gonna sue you people.

I happen to have
a very aggressive lawyer.

Just one?

[ laughing ]

So, Reggie, when are you gonna
stop circling the airport

and let Bob bring you in
for a landing?

I must have done something awful
in a previous life

to deserve this.

Yeah, but what did I do?

Bob, let me ask you something.

What does your wife
say about you

coming in here
and hitting on me?

Due to a recent
collagen incident,

Bob's wife is a little hard
to understand.

[ door opens ]

I swear, you could stick
your hand

into a puddle of swamp water
and still come up

with a higher form of life
than your average

electronics-store salesman.

For those of you
playing along at home,

the topic today
is electronics stores.

You know, I-I have been to every
discount store in this city

looking for a computer
for the lousy 400 bucks

the insurance company gave me.

I've been to Crazy Achmed's,

Crazy Yitzaak's, Crazy Pablo.

If you're insane and you went
through Ellis Island,

I've been in your store today.

You screwed yourself, Becker.

I told you to pad
your insurance claim.

Well, excuse me for trying
to play by the rules.

See, the only problem
with playing by the rules is

you end up
playing with yourself.

Bob is touched by your
tale of human misery.

Bob, don't be
touched by me,

and more importantly,
don't touch me.

Understood.

So please allow Bob
to reiterate his offer

to put you in touch
with Bob's guy.

So you're offering me a computer
that just fell off the truck,

is that right?

All I'm saying is

my guy will get you
exactly what you need

for precisely the 400
shekels you have to spend.

No questions asked.

The computer's hot,
isn't it?

Perhaps we need
to review the concept

of no questions asked.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Fine.

If you wanna be the last schmuck
in Schmuckville, go ahead.

If, on the other hand,

you want a brand-new,

state-of-the-art computer

for $400,

I can make that happen.

What's it gonna be?

Yes or no?

Yes.

[ knock on door ]

Oh, brother.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hey, slick.

Oh, jeez.

Open up, will ya?
I got your computer.

Hey, just shut up
and get in here, will ya?

I got everything you need here.
I think you're gonna be happy.

Look, Bob,
I'm not feeling so good about--

Oh, wow, that's a--

That's a 450.
That's top of the line.

I'm like Dominos.
It's here, it's hot, guaranteed.

Let me just, uh,
get ya a check, here.

Hey, stay out here
where I can see you, will ya?

Yeah, I thought doctors
lived better than this.

Hell, I thought hostages
lived better than this.

Here you go.

Pleasure doing business
with you.

Uh, yeah.

So, doc, you know how
to set up one of these things?

Uh, no, but I'm sure

you got
a guy for that too.

Yeah, you're lookin' at him.

Once Bob found out
there was such a thing

as a lesbian chat room,

he learned about computers
real quick.

Bob, you-- You don't have
to do this--

Look, forget it. Forget it.

I'll have you up and running
before you can say,

"Hi, my name is Bob,
a 16-year-old girl

experimenting
with her sexuality."

Desk okay?

It-- It was, yeah.

This will only take
a couple of hours, but, uh,

meanwhile, Bob's feeling
a bit peckish.

Wanna pass me
a slice of that pizza?

[ groans ]

Great.

Oh, cold.

Stick that in the microwave,
will you, Ichabod?

Mrs. Yudelson,
the doctor wants you

to use this ointment
three times a day

and call us in a week
if there's no change, okay?

Yeah, all right, yeah.

Linda, would you walk
Mrs. Yudelson to the door?

[ whispers ]:
Do I have to?

Linda.

Right this way, Mrs. Yudelson.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Oh, John,

you got
a strange message

from some guy named Bob.

He wanted to know
if you were free tonight.

Something about dinner
and a nude ice revue?

Throw it away.

Um, are these
two separate things

or do the skaters actually
serve dinner, because--?

Mar-- Margaret,
just toss it, will ya?

Who-- Who's next?
Mm, all right.

Um, you have a new patient in 1.

Oh, and if you're still
going computer shopping

this afternoon, I saw some good
sales in the paper.

Oh, uh, yeah, I already came up
with a great deal on a computer.

Thanks. Thanks very much.
Oh, really?

'Cause I'm looking for one
for my nephew.

What store did you go to?

Well, it wasn't actually
a store, Margaret.

It's more of a warehouse,

cl-- Club, mem-- Membership
kind of thing, you know,

for-- For-- For doctors only.

I'm sorry. I'd-- I'd love to.

MARGARET: For doctors only?
BECKER: Yeah.

I've never heard
of such a thing.

What are you talking about?

All r-- All right, all right.

Look, it's not exactly
a-a place.

It's m--

See, I-I got it from a g--

Guy who knows a guy
who knows--

You bought a hot computer?

I don't know that.

I-I-I was very careful
about not knowing that.

And I know it's wrong, so
don't-- Don't give me that look.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
And don't you make that sound.

[ sighs ]
Oh, great, there it is:

The sigh.
You know, I hate that.

Mm-mm-mm.
Oh, the head shake?

Oh, that's great.
You know something?

Just stop lecturing me,
Margaret.

Damn, I'm good.

Mrs. Yudelson,
would it help

if I dangled a Social Security
check in front of you?

Hi, I'm Dr. Becker.
Sorry I'm late.

And you are Mister--?

Is that really important?

Well, no, I guess not.

Wha-- What seems to be
the problem?

I, uh, got rear-ended by a cab.

I need one of them collars
for around my neck.

All right, all right, let's--
Let's check it out.

Where--
Where does it hurt?

Where should I say
it hurts?

Well, does it hurt
when you move your head?

I don't know.
Does it?

Does it what?
Does it hurt?

You tell me.
How am I supposed to know?

I'm trying to find out
what's wrong with your neck.

Just tell me
where it should hurt,

and that's what I'll say.

What the hell's going on here?

Oh, whoa, what's your problem?

Bob said you knew
how the game was played.

Bob? Bob sent you in here?

Yeah.

He thought we could
help each other out.

You phony up a claim.
I go to court.

"Ow, ow, ow."
We all make a few bucks.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

BECKER:
Come on, get out of here.

Go on, get the hell out of here.

I don't wanna see you
in this office again.

Hey, if anyone else is in here
because of a guy named Bob,

I want you to leave right now.

I forgot my purse.

Don't move. I'll get it.

Make it quick.
I gotta run.

What's up, Jake?

Reggie, I'll have the usual.

Okay. Glass of orange juice
that I spit in.

As close to a kiss
as I've ever gotten.

So, uh, has my good friend
John been in today?

Because I picked us up a couple
of Yankee tickets for Saturday.

Y-You're hanging out
with John Becker?

Yeah. In fact, I was over
at his apartment last night.

We shared a pizza.

John Becker?

Yeah, we're becoming very tight.

With "John Becker,"
John Becker?

What, are you deaf too?

Oh--

Look, uh, just tell him I was
in here looking for him.

See ya, slim.
Hawkeye.

Why in the world would Becker
be friends with Bob?

John is a doctor.

Maybe he was conducting
some sort of medical experiment

and thought using a rat
was too cruel.

[ laughs ]

Or Becker has a roach problem

and he brought Bob in
as a technical consultant.

[ laughs ]

Or-- Or maybe we're forgetting

that Bob is
a weaselly little liar

and we shouldn't believe
a word he said.

Let's go with that one.
Yes.

You guys seen Bob in here today?
I gotta talk to him.

Reg, I'm scared.

[ sighs ]

What's going on?
You're--

[ scoffs ]
You're friends with Bob?

Oh, no. Hell no. No, he--
He just came by my apartment

the other night
to drop off a computer.

Yes, yes, a hot computer.

I-I let his guy
get it for me.

Before you say anything,
I know it was wrong.

I know it goes against
everything I said in here

the other day, which makes me
look like a hypocrite.

But I did it, and I'm just gonna
have to live with it.

You let Bob in your house?

That's not the half of it.

Now-- Now he's dropping by,
he's calling me.

And worst of all,
he's sending me phony patients.

If that little weasel thinks
just 'cause I let him

get me one hot computer,
I'm gonna let him corrupt

my entire medical practice,
you know,

he's just got
another think coming.

You let him in your house?

Look, Reg,
I-I really need to talk to him.

Do you-- Do you have
his telephone number?

Yeah, I got it right here
in a little locket

I wear next to my heart.

Damn it, you know,

I'm not gonna let this guy
ruin my reputation.

I know-- I know.
I'll leave him a message

in the lesbian chat room.

[ knock on door ]

Hey, what's up, sparky?

Bob. Oh, where--
Where are you going?

Gonna grab myself a beer.
Hope you went shopping.

The stuff last time, I wouldn't
shampoo my dog with that.

Hey, hey, hey.
Come here, come here.

We need to talk.
Sit down here.

What about?
Us.

Huh?

You-- You and me,
you know, what--

What's going on
between us.

What?

A-About our relationship.

See, I-I-I don't
think you're--

You're clear about
what I'm looking for.

Oh, my God, you're gay.
What?

Look, nancy, Bob is strictly
hetero, with a capital O.

Besides, I don't find you
the least bit attractive.

Bob--
Although there was that day

when you had on
a blue sweater and those--

Hey, Bob, shut up,
will ya?

What I'm trying to say is,
I-I don't want

you telling people
we're buddies.

You know? And I don't want you
sending any more

phony patients to my office.

And I know
I asked you for this,

but I want you to take this
computer back to your guy.

I can't do that.

It's kind of
"all sales are final."

I don't care what it was.

I want this stolen
computer out of my life.

All right, look--

The computer's not stolen.

I bought it retail.

What?

I didn't have time
to get you a deal.

I had to get this scam moving.

What are you talking about?

This wasn't about
being buddies.

I got enough friends
without hanging out

with some gay doctor
in the Bronx.

I did it to get closer
to Reggie.

I figured,
if you liked me,

maybe I wouldn't seem
so bad to her.

You know,
without a doubt, you--

You are out of your
freakin' mind.

I'm gonna pay you
for this computer,

and then I want you
to get the hell outta here.

Suit yourself.

With tax
and the extended warranty,

less the 400 you gave me,

that would be $3,156.72.

What? I could've gotten that--
That for 2,600.

You got screwed.

No, I didn't.
You did.

All right, you know,

Reggie's never gonna
go out with you.

I mean, for starters,
you're married.

Yeah, there's married
and there's married.

My wife's total lack
of interest in me

affords a certain
amount of wiggle room.

Fine, you know, whatever.

But even you
admit she hates you.

I mean, Reggie, you know,
of all women, why her?

All right, I'll tell you.

All the time we were growing up,

she was the prettiest,

the most popular.

Out of all the women
I never had a sh*t at,

she's the one
I never had a sh*t at the most.

And understand, I had a lot less
going for me then than I do now.

Yeah, I find that
hard to imagine.

So then, when she came
back to town,

I'm doing better.

She's doing worse.

So I figure,
maybe now I got a sh*t.

Don't you see?

Reggie was like the moon.

When Bob was a kid,

the moon was the one place
you could never go.

Then, all of a sudden,

there's guys up there
hitting golf balls.

So I figure,

if they can do the impossible,

why can't I?

Bob, go dream somewhere else,
will ya?

Next time you have a scam,
don't involve me in it.

Now go.

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

You know,

I stood here and I--

I really opened up,

let myself be vulnerable.

And I shared feelings I never
shared with anybody else.

But I guess someone like me

doesn't matter much
to someone like you.

You're a hard man, Becker.

You act like I didn't
get to you at all.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

All right, you--
You got to me.

A little.

[ chuckles ]

Thanks, doc.

So you think if I used that moon
bit on Reggie, she'd go for it?

'Cause if not, I got, like,
this Mount Everest thing

I'm working on.
Go-- Go-- Go. Get out. Get out.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ upbeat blues theme playing ]