06x10 - Margaret Sings the Blues

[bunniefuu]

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Damn it, it's the same want ads
every day.

You looking for work?
Good for you.

Wow, I-I'm glad to see

you finally took enough
pride in yourself

to stand up on your own two feet
and contribute to society.

Not really. My unemployment
runs out next week.

0h.

I swear, there are
no good jobs in here.

Hey, there's got to be
something. Let me see.

0h, right here.

Entertainment Weekly is looking
for an editorial assistant.

I'm only one gym class shy
of a high school diploma.

Can't we aim a little higher?

Morning.

Can I have some coffee, please?

0h, want ads, huh?

You looking for work?

Yeah. You hiring?

What could you possibly do
in my office?

Well, what does Linda do?

Uh... I'm not quite sure,

but at least she looks better
in a skirt than you do.

You don't know that.

Please, God, someone else talk.

John, H was watching
one of those morning shows,

and they said it's officially
the beginning of flu season.

What? Oh, for God's sake.

I have been warning people
about flu season

for the last couple of months,

but did they listen
to the doctor? No, no.

They don't believe it until they
hear it from the weather girl

with the low-cut dress.

Maybe if you had breasts,
people would listen to you, too.

No, my office is going to be
packed with people

demanding the flu sh*t

that I told them to get,
like, two months ago.

Yeah, well, actually that's why
I brought it up.

I guess I need a flu sh*t, too.

What, you didn't get one,
either?

-I forgot.
-How can you forget?

See, this is about your health
and your well-being.

More importantly, mine.
You know?

You-you kiss me.

You-you put me at risk.

It's like a...
it's like a cootie thing.

Oh, you college boys
and your fancy talk.

0h, shut up, will you?

Stop by the office,
I'll give you one.

Morning.

Chris, I'm starving.
Can I have some eggs?

No, no, you can't. As a matter
of fact, we're leaving.

But I'm hungry!

Well, you should have
thought about that

before you left the house.

Look, the office
is going to be packed today,

and we can't just leave
Margaret alone to deal with it.

Margaret's not coming in
this morning.

An old friend of hers
is in town.

They're going to lunch.

Well, she didn't tell me that.

She told you three weeks ago.

Well, she knows I don't listen.

That's why she pinned a note
to the inside of your jacket.

She did not pin a note...
0h, hey.

Look at that.

(sighs)
All right, who's next?

I forgot, I was reading
a magazine. Who's next?

-(a|| clamoring)
-0h, you're not...

Sit down, sit down,
relax, will you?

You know something?
This is ridiculous.

If Margaret doesn't
get back here soon,

you're going to have
to start giving

some of these people
their sh*ts.

-What? -As a matter of fact,
you know what?

I-I'll get you a needle.

You can start practicing
right now.

Me? Give sh*ts?

Oh, no, no, no.

I've never done that before.

Yeah, well, it's not as hard
as it looks.

You can practice
on Mr. Orange there.

I really don't think
this is a good idea.

This is Margaret's job.

We have a system here.

She does the actual work.

I file things, make copies,

tell her funny stories
about my sex life,

and occasionally
do some light typing.

Besides, I'm not trained.
I'm not allowed.

Yeah, well, you are
if a doctor says so,

and I'm a doctor, and I say so.

Now, do it.

Do me a favor.

The next time I ask
to take along lunch, say no.

I did say no.

Well, then, next time,
be more forceful.

Have a little more backbone.

What do I have to do?

Pin another note to your jacket?

Ow! I stuck my finger.

Well, congratulations, you just
gave your first flu sh*t.

What the hell
was that all about?

I want to be alone.

Oh. Well, then quit your job
and k*ll your husband.

Come on,

what's going on?

My old friend Sheryl,
she's rich.

She's rich and successful,
and I hate her.

Relax. Sit down.

Tell me what happened.

Well, it all started

-in high school.
-0h, geez.

We're going that far back?

Will you just listen?

See, Sheryl was my best friend,

and-and she was always
into fashion design,

and-and I used to sing.

Oh, you mean like
in a church choir?

Why does it always have to be
a church choir?

A black girl can't just sing?

Sure. No, sure,
of course she can.

Okay, fine.
It was in the church choir.

But-but after that, I wanted to
become a professional singer.

And... well, we had it
all worked out.

I was gonna become
a famous diva,

and she was gonna
design all my clothes.

Well, it didn't happen.

I know it didn't happen.
You're sitting right here.

Will you just shut up
and listen?

Anyway, I became a nurse,

and then she got a job
designing window displays

in a department store,
but that was okay because...

Because you were even.

No, because I still made
more money than her.

And then today she tells me
that in her spare time

she's been designing purses.

You know, so far,
this is a real chick story.

Anyway, a buyer in the store
saw one of them

and flipped over it.

The next thing you know,

she's signed a big licensing
deal with some famous designer.

So what? You know,

how much money
can she make from that?

$15 million.

That bitch.

Well, you're not
going to believe this,

but I finally did it.

Oh, my God,
you lost your virginity.

That was a private conversation.

Hey, are you really
still a, uh...

Only technically.

At the last minute,
it got crazy.

Her dog thought
she was in danger and, uh...

Never mind.

0h, Hector, it's all right.
Just forget about it.

I wish I could.
I hate that little dog.

I was trying to say I got a job.

-Hey!
-Hey, congratulations.

What is it?
When do you start?

I'm a doorman. I start tonight.

-CHRIS: Ah.
-0h. So you're one of those guys

in those lame red uniforms
standing outside of a building

flagging cabs down
for rich people?

Hey, hey, it's a start.
A job is a job.

And he doesn't even have
his high school diploma.

One gym class.

I couldn't get up the damn rope.

I'm just saying he could
have set his sights

just a little bit higher.

Oh, will you leave him alone?

Just get off his back.

Well, somebody's
gotta push him a little.

Uh, Mom, Dad,
could you listen, please?

I'm not standing
outside some building.

I'm working the door
at a very cool club.

-Ooh...
-0h, all right,

so you're like the guy
in the cool leather jacket

behind the velvet rope with
the clipboard and the list.

That's right.

-I'm the list guy.
-JAKE: All right!

In fact, I better go home
and start practicing my

"you're not on my list" look.

What do you think?

That look says you've just had
a pastrami sandwich.

-That's just a coincidence.
-Mm-hmm.

I better work on it.

CHRIS:
Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

Linda, I can't believe
you waited so long

to tell us it was your birthday.

Okay, here's the thing.

When I said it was my birthday,

I think you may have
misunderstood.

What I really meant was
it's not my birthday.

Margaret's in a horrible mood,

and I said I'd meet her
for drinks to cheer her up,

but I couldn't face her alone,

so I lied to you guys
because I need your help.

Hey, Margaret,
look who insisted on coming.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, Margaret.
How are you doing, huh?

I see you're already
nursing a drink.

(light laughter)

Get it? 'Cause you're a nurse.

Oh, God. Waitress!

What can I get for you?

Another gimlet for me
and another table for them.

0h, she doesn't mean that.

She's just jealous over
a close friend's success,

so she's lashing out
because she feels inadequate.

I'll have a light beer.

0h, me, too.

Scotch, neat.

Let me... will you let me...

Get out of my way,
I'm a doctor, will you?

Linda, I got your message.
What's the emergency?

Okay, here's the thing:

When I said there
was an emergency,

I think you misunderstood.

What I really meant was
there's no emergency.

I just needed your help
cheering Margaret up.

Oh, God.

That's what I said.

Sir, can I get you
something from the bar?

Uh... yeah, water.

Sparkling or flat?

Tap.

Oh, boy.

I'm gonna get rich off you.

Look, I-I appreciate
you guys coming,

but you don't have to do this.

Oh, good. I'll see you later.

0h, hey, look. They got...
They got buffalo Wings.

(piano plays
a gentle, jazzy tune)

Oh, thank God.

Again.

Uh, you know, Margaret,

drinking really
won't solve anything.

0h, Chris, you're so naive.

Look at this, they've got those
little, uh, pigs in a blanket.

I got through college
eating those.

A" That excites me... A"

0h, why did Sheryl
have to do that?

Why did she have to go
and get all successful on me?

Ooh, ooh...

that is off-key.

That is bad.

Mmm, boy, a lot of meat
on these.

You know, I love
the little drumsticks.

And why does she have to be
so damn nice about it?

Ooh...

Ooh, that is like nails
on a blackboard.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

And then saying that she would
drive me back to work

in her brand-new Jaguar.

I mean,
how arrogant can you get?

I mean... Oh, I cannot
stand this anymore.

-No, no, no!
-(song stops)

It's a B flat.

And you call yourself
a professional.

I mean, if you're gonna sing

the damn song, at least sing
and hit the right damn notes.

God, these are delicious.

Where's Margaret?

No time for lunch.
Just some coffee to go, please.

My office is packed with idiots
who waited too long

to get their flu sh*ts,

and to make it worse,
Margaret didn't show.

So I've been alone
with Linda all morning.

Yeah, Margaret
was pretty upset last night.

Yeah, well, can you blame her?

I mean, how would you feel
if I suddenly became

a famous restaurateur
and left you behind?

-I think we're safe on that one.
-0h, oh,

well, excuse me,
I know my little diner

doesn't hold a candle
to your publishing empire.

You know, as much as I'd love
to stay for another round,

of "Who's the bigger failure?"
I'm a little busy.

See you later.

Hey, are you coming in
for a flu sh*t or not?

Yeah, yeah, I will, I will,

as soon as it slows down
around here.

Hey, Hector. How's it going?

Well, actually, I started...

Yeah, rhetorical question.
Don't really care.

Hey!

So how's the new job, huh?

-Yeah.
-Is it a nice club?

Did you meet
any interesting people?

I got fired.

What? On your first day?
What did you do?

Oh, look, would you give him
a chance to explain

before you jump down his throat?

Fine.

I'm waiting.

It wasn't my fault.

This guy comes up to me,
and he wasn't on the list,

so I didn't let him in.

Then he starts giving me
attitude,

so I gave him the look.

Then he throws a fit.

He's all,
"Don't you know who I am?"

Acting like he owns the place.

Oh, so what happened?
He owned the place?

No.

He happened to be the gay lover
of the guy who owns the place.

0h.

-See, it wasn't Hector's fault.
-JAKE: No, no.

-Don't do that. Don't baby him.
-I'm not...

I mean, how's he going
to amount to anything?

I am not babying him!

Hector, would you like
a nice little piece of pie,

maybe with some ice cream?

No, no, no, he doesn't
need a piece of pie.

See, he's never going
to get anywhere in life

if he knows he can
always come back here

and get a piece of pie!

I am just trying
to make him feel better.

What he needs
is a little nurturing!

No, what he needs
is a swift kick in the ass.

Oh, well, that is your answer
for everything!

Stop it!

Look, I already got two parents
who are disappointed in me.

I don't need two more.

And I'll find another job,

but without the pep talks
and without the criticism.

Are we clear on that?

-Yeah.
-0kay.

Thank you.

I'll have that pie now.

This is ridiculous.

I can't get Margaret
on her cell phone.

Lewis doesn't know where she is.

Of all days for her
to disappear.

Let me guess. All flu sh*ts?

Most of 'em.

Oh, and Mr. Geary's in room two.
He thinks he broke his ankle.

Fell off a pair of high heels.
Don't ask.

And Chris is in room one.
Flu sh*t.

0h, great, now she shows up.

All right, I'm going to have
to take care of Mr. Geary.

You-you give Chris her sh*t.

What?! Me?

No, I'm not ready.

I haven't graduated
from fruit yet.

I mean, look at this orange.

You know, you've been here
six years.

It's about time you took
some responsibility.

I'll be honest.

Any world in which I have
to be the responsible one

is a world
I don't want to live in.

Great speech. Too bad.

You're going in.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Where's John?

He's not coming.

Well, who's... who's going
to give me my sh*t?

I am.

Ha... Have you done this before?

Yeah, lots of times.

Oh, you mean on a person?

Never.

So, are you ready?

Uh, yeah, I'm sorry,
um, it-it's not you.

Right now it is you, but, uh...

but, uh, the thing is,
I hate needles.

I-I've always hated needles.
I don't even sew.

If something rips,
I-I throw it away.

Well, I don't want to
do this, either. He made me.

Well, he made me, too, and-and
I can't afford to get sick.

All right, let's-let's
just get it over with.

-You know, all right...
-0kay.

LINDA:
Okay...

(both scream)

Look, we can do this.

Yeah... yeah, we can do this.

-We can do this. Okay.
-0kay.

-All right. -All right, I'm
gonna count to three. Ready?

Okay. Count one, two, three.

One... two...

(both screaming)

I can't do it, either.

Oh, look, I'll just
tell him I got the sh*t,

and you tell him
you gave it to me.

-You mean lie?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Good. That I can do.
-All right.

(both scream)

-What's going on here?
-Nothing.

I was just trying
to give Chris her flu sh*t.

Oh, for God's sake,
let me do it.

-0h...
-There you go.

How hard was that?

Hey, is this what
I pay you to do?

Sit around a bar
drinking all day

during the height
of a flu epidemic?

Fine. I feel like hell.
Let's call it a sick day.

I didn't ask you
to come looking for me.

Yeah, well,
I'm not here for you.

I'm here for those
little hot dogs.

Ah, look who's back.

Water boy.

You know something,
I was going to order a beer,

but just for that,
I'll have some water.

You know, technically,
if you don't order a drink,

you can't have the free food.

Yeah, well, technically,
she's drinking enough

for the two of us, so just
roll out the weenies, will you?

Hey...

Look, I don't want to get
all boss and employee on you,

but what... where the hell
were you all day?

I just couldn't come in
and face that miserable office

and listen to all the whining
and complaining.

Look, I know it's tough,
but they're patients. They...

Oh, you meant me, right?

Look, don't get me wrong.
I love my job, but...

when someone suddenly
reminds you of...

what you could have been...

Wh-What are you going to do?

You know, give up nursing,
become a singer?

I can't.

I'm not good enough.

(chuckles)

0h, sure, when I was young,
I-I won a few local contests,

but-but there was this one night
when I was in this big showcase,

and there were...
there were talent agents there

and-and people
from record companies,

and-and I got up there...

Yeah, what'd you do?
You choke?

No. I was great.

The-the crowd went wild...

until the next person came up

and just blew me
right off the stage.

I knew right then

that I'd never be good enough
to really make it.

So... so you bailed on a dream.

What are you gonna do, be
miserable the rest of your life?

Maybe.

How's it working for you?

Look, Margaret...

you know, you may not have
money, you may not have fame,

you may not have success
in any way, shape or form...

Is this supposed
to make me feel better?

Look, I'm getting to that part.

Look... Margaret,

you are a wonderful, kind,
compassionate person. You...

Your life has value
to me, to your husband,

to-to hundreds of patients

that rely on you
every single day.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, promise me never
to make me do that again.

If you'll excuse me, I'm...

I see some meatballs
with my name on it.

Go ahead.

0h, wonderful.

I mean, you know,
sooner or later,

we all have to let go
of our childhood fantasies.

We-we all had
some talent as kids.

I'm sure you were a good singer
with a lovely little voice.

(piano starts playing song)

I myself used to juggle,
although I had to give that up.

I wasn't that bad, either.

I mean, I didn't
just use three balls.

I used irregular-shaped objects
like bowling pins.

Uh, "It Could Happen to You,"
key of C.

Follow me.

(slow piano intro begins)

I even had a little patter, too,
you know, told some jokes.

I did a birthday party once.

♪♪

♪ Hide your heart from sight ♪

♪ Lock your dreams at night ♪

♪ It could happen ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Don't count stars ♪

♪ Or you might stumble ♪

♪ Someone drops a sigh ♪

♪ And down you ♪

♪ Tumble ♪

♪ Keep an eye on spring ♪

♪ Run when church hens ring ♪

♪ It could happen to you ♪

♪ All I did was wonder ♪

♪ How your arms would be ♪

♪ And it happened to me ♪

♪ Keep your eye on spring ♪

♪ Run when church hens ring A"

♪ It could happen ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪All I did was wonder ♪

♪ How your arms would be ♪

♪ And it happened ♪

♪ Yes, it happened ♪

♪ Oh, it happened ♪

♪ To me. ♪

(applause and cheers)