03x07 - This Old Mouse

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] And now, here are
your Emmy-Award-winning stars

Pinky and the Brain!

My friends,

henceforth our program will present
only searing intellectual drama.

No more cheap slapstick gags.

From now on, only dignity.

Huh?

Aaah!

[Pinky]
Dignity hurts.

[Man]
Ha ha ha...

Gee, Brain, what do you
want to do tonight?

Same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world.

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ One is a genius ♪

♪ The other's insane ♪

♪ They're laboratory mice ♪

♪ Their genes have been spliced ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Before each night is done ♪

♪ Their plan will be unfurled ♪

♪ By the dawning of the sun ♪

♪ They'll take over the world ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Their twilight campaign ♪

♪ Is easy to explain ♪

♪ To prove their mousy worth ♪

♪ They'll overthrow the Earth ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain, brain. ♪

[Pinky]
Narf!

[organ plays "Charge"]

Oof, oof, oof!

Unh!

Wah-ha!

[Announcer]
Now coming into the game for Calgary,

star center, Pinky Baiul!

[fans cheering]

[cheering continues]

- Ahh...
- Duhhh...

[humming]

Arrgh!

Hello, lights?

Come on, people,
I can't work like this.

[both grunting]

[Brain] I turned it off.

Oh, right. Ha-ha ha...

Oh, egad, Brain,
that was more fun

than the time we made oatmeal
in my mouth. Narf!

Pinky, it's not a toy.

It's a virtual reality
transynchrotron,

capable of simulating not only games,
but also the future.

[gasps] Egad!

How, Brain?

I have reduced all of history
to a simple equation.

Like E=mc little 2?

Even simpler.

Just "E."

Eeeee...

Using my equation,

these headsets will allow us
to visit the virtual future,

when one of my plans has succeeded

and I am ruling the world.

Which plan, Brain?

Hmm. Well...

They're all so feasible.

- [gasp]
- [gasp]

A realization, Pinky.

Aah! Where?
Is it on me?

Get it off!
Get it off!

We do know which plan
will succeed.

This one.

Heh heh heh.

So many levels.

Ha ha ha... "levels."
Oooh...

Once we broadcast a tape of the future,

The world will see how perfect
life will be under my rule,

and gladly surrender now.

Prepare, Pinky.

We're taking a trip to the future.

I brought some snacks for our trip,

and some light reading.

Jurassic Park.

You know, this would make a great movie.

Pinky, I think your cerebrospinal fluid

is running a few quarts low.

Heh. "Cerebro...
Few quarts low."

Well, same to you!

Heh heh...

"Well, same to you..."

Ooh!

This dial turns it on.
This one sets the time.

What about this one?

Don't touch that, Pinky.

Why?

That one opens the garage.

It's set to show us
where we'll be ruling in the future.

I wonder where my future
headquarters will be.

Twitty City?

What?
It's the hip Dollywood.

No, Pinky.

Someplace like the White House,
the Kremlin...

The lab?

Look, Brain, we're over there.

Brain, we're ancient.

We must be almost four years old.

My white hair has turned gray.

Egad!

Ooh, I haven't aged well at all.

I really should use a night cream.

Ha ha.
And look at your floppy left ear.

You can't raise it up anymore.

Ha ha ha!

Pinky, where is my fluxometer?

Where did you put it?

If I knew where I put it, I... I...

You're trying to trick me, aren't you?

About what?

My...

I have no idea.

Hmm.

Pinky, right?

You're asking me?

Grrrrraahh!

Ughh! Ooh, my hip.

Hoo haa...
[cough cough]

Narf.

It's like watching
The Best of Wheeler and Woolsie.

But I don't understand.

Where are my minions,
my cabinet?

My jewel-encrusted cummerbund?

[coughing]

What are we going
to do tonight, um, Brain?

Same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to...

Try to do that same...

You're trying to trick me again,
aren't you?

What?

I'm still trying
to take over the world?

Still trying?

Still trying?

The same thing...

we do every night, Pinky.

Same thing
we do every night, Pinky.

Same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Pinky, I'll...

I'll never actually take over the world.

Night after night,

None of my brilliant plans...

ever successful.

My entire life will be a waste.

Still hung up on that whole
"failure to achieve your life's goal

'cause I'm a big fat loser" thing, eh?

Yes.
Quite a shame, really.

So, what are we going to do
tomorrow night, Brain?

I have no idea.

Well, um, actually, I have a plan.

We can make pencils that taste like bacon.

All right, then.
Oh, oh, oh!

We'll make bacon
that tastes like pencils.

Um, pencils that taste like pencils?

Hmm,
I'm running out of ideas here.

Don't you see, Pinky?

I've squandered my entire life.

Look at me. I'm middle-aged.

I have nothing to show for my life

except a sagging waistline

and a roommate
who thinks lint is a delicacy.

Uh!

Uhh.

Uhh... uh!

[panting]

Ah-ha-ha!

Oh, what a fun ride.

Narf!

Um, sorry I got sick,

But, all in all...

Egad.
What are you doing, Brain?

I'm giving away everything I own.

Material possessions

No longer have any meaning for me.

I have no need anymore for...

for anything.

Um...

Brain?

Don't you think maybe
you've had enough to drink?

Nag, nag, nag.
Just leave me be.

Okay.
That's it!

"Tough love" time.

[peppy music plays]

A-one and a-two and a...

♪ Just say, "Narf!" ♪

♪ Just say, "Narf!" ♪

♪ Don't you know, to be glad ♪

♪ Just say, "Narf!" ♪

♪ Every day is a joy and so marvelous ♪

♪ Don't ruin it with plenty of fuss ♪

♪ Just say, "Zoit!" ♪

♪ Just say... ♪

Um...

[thunder rumbling]

Poit.

Go, Brain.

Go find your smile.

Maybe Pinky's right:

Just say, "Narf."

Yes. Forget the world and just...

As today's kids say... have fun.

Yes.
From now on,

I'm living life to the fullest.

This is the first day
of the rest of my life.

[Brain narrating]
And so,

I decided to go for the gusto

And start living life
in the fast lane.

But I was only fooling myself.

I was drifting, rudderless,

Like some kind of...

rudderless, drifty thing.

What are you thinking, Brain?

Brain?

All my madcap merrymaking
couldn't shoo away

the little rain cloud
in my heart.

Worse, I found out

that my toupee
wasn't a "Clooney."

It was a "Schwimmer,"
whoever that is.

I was blind, a soul in pain,

spinning wildly out of control,

until I bumped
into my neighbor Mr. Sultana.

Or at least,
bumped into his house.

Yaah!

[ding dong]

[Man]
Coming.

Mr. Sultana, it is I,
your neighbor,

Mr. F-Feldman.

Feldman!

You look upset.

Perhaps you come in,

we sh**t some pool,

we talk about your problem.

Come in, come in.

Okay, yes, yes, my friend,

We talk, we laugh, we cry.

Whatever you want.

I rack them.

Hmm.

Maybe try this one?

So, uh, how is the things

with you
and Mrs. Feldman?

Mrs. Feldman?

Oh. Oh, yes.

They're fine.

Mr. Sultana,

I think I'm having
a mid-life crisis.

Oh, too bad.

Table must be uneven.

I just...

I no longer find
my occupation satisfying.

This I do know.

Long ago, Sultana
very big talent agent.

Perhaps you hear of
my best clients,

Siegfried and Roy?

Yes. I've seen
their magic.

Magic?

What, eh...

What magic?

Anyhoo, I don't like
show business.

Too many phonies.

So I go see career counselor.

He tell me what I should be.

Which is what?

Paranoid recluse.

The pay is not so good,

but the hours are very flexible.

Career counselor, very smart.

Very smart, career counselor!

Career counselor,
career counselor,

Career counselor.

I've done mostly lab work,

electro-mechanical engineering,

rebuilding
particle accelerators,

mind control,
that sort of stuff.

I have all the data I need.

The computer correlates
your work history,

your abilities,
and intelligence,

in order to precisely
determine your ideal vocation.

Ah.

And your true calling is...

ski instructor.

Congratulations.

Ski instructor?

Ski instructor.

I can do that.

It's just like being
a math instructor,

Just less math
and a lot more skiing.

Yes!

Yes, yes, of course.

From this point on,

I, the Brain,
am a ski instructor.

Well, Pinky,

I guess this is it.

I think I've got everything.

But you know me,

always forgetting
my comb, my socks,

my Louis Farrakhan
calypso records.

Pinky, I'm sorry.

I thought I'd been clear.

I'm leaving to become a ski instructor.

Just me, sans you.

Oh, so that's it, eh?

That's the thanks I get,

working double shifts

just to put you through law school!

I never went to law school.

I suppose that's my fault, too!

Good-bye, Pinky.

Bye, Brain.

Take care.

Good morning, students.

Good morning, Jean-Claude Brain.

Today, I will instruct you
in the mastery of inertia re-establishment

utilizing weight distribution

through metatarsal manipulation.

You mean stopping?

Yes.
But when I say it,

it sounds groovy.

Bonjour, Jean-Claude Brain.

[giggling]

Yes!

Ski bunnies.

Could life get any better?

Dirty, dirty, dirty.

[Sultana]
Yoo-hoo, uh, Mrs. Feldman?

[gasps]

Mrs. Feldman?

I saw the Mr. Feldman
leave to find himself.

So I brought some gift
to cheer you up.

Um, I-I'm in the shower.

You'll have to come back
some other time.

You may leave your present.

It's a yam.

I'll leave for you.

Okay?

Bye-bye.

[gasp]

You look like Brain.

[deep voice]
Pinky, are you pondering

what I'm pondering?

I think so, yam.

But, oh, I wish
I could see Brain.

I can't see him now.

But I can see him in the future.

Can you see okay, yam?

Let's see where Brain is tomorrow.

Ha ha ho ha!

Oh, I'm a skier!

Narf.

Oh, look, yam,

it's Brain.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, my gosh.

Brain's happy here.

He found his smile.

Hurrah! Ha!

Ah, how did I ever
get along without fresh air,

Exercise, and tiny electric socks?

[echoing]
Ricola!

[gasps]

[rumbling]

Brain!

Aah!

Brain! Brain!

Dig, yam!

Dig like you've
never dug before!

[beep]

Neh!

Brain is gonna die tomorrow!

Yam?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah, how did I ever
get along without fresh air,

exercise,
and tiny electric socks?

Riiiii...

[Pinky]
No, stop that!

Aah, snow blind!

Poit, poit!

No, it couldn't be.

Tell me that's not...

Whaa!

Ooh!

Pinky, what are you doing here?

I came to save you, Brain.

I don't need saving.

Don't you understand?

You're part of my old life.

I'm happy, happy!

Do you hear?

Ricooo...

No, no, Brain.

You mustn't yell that word

or you'll cause a big, noisy avalanche

and be smooshed.

I saw it, Brain,

and so did yam.

Pinky, you're babbling more than usual.

But it's true, Brain.

Smooshed dead.

We saw it all in the goggles.

The virtual reality goggles?

But... but if you saw it there,

and the future can't be changed,

then that means
I am going to die in an avalanche.

Pinky, hurry.
Get out of here.

Save yourself.

No, Brain.
I'd never leave you.

You can't save me.

I can't lose you again, Brain.

Without you, I feel so Garfunkley.

Pinky, please!

No!

[echoing]
Yes!

Quick, Brain, up this tree!

Come on, Brain, jump!

Uh!

Yah!

[gasp]

There's no time, Pinky.

Go on without me.

Never!

Hold on, Brain!

I'm alive.

Ha ha ha!

Me, too. Narf.

Ha ha!

Oh, fun, fun!

♪ We're making snow angels. ♪

Ha ha.

Uh, do you need instructions?

I survived.

Pinky, are you pondering

what I'm pondering?

I think so, Brain.

But if we had a snowmobile,

wouldn't it melt before summer?

Don't you see, Pinky?

I didn't die.

The future can be changed.

I can still fulfill my dreams,

my destiny of taking over the world.

[choking]
Air not reaching shins.

We must return to the lab, Pinky.

We have giant dryers to build,

hypnotic socks to knit.

And pencils to make
taste like bacon.

Possibly.

[Pinky]
Whaa ha ha!

Pinky, I told you to destroy

That villainous harbinger
of the future.

Whaa!

Some things are best left unknown.

Oh, Brain, Brain, you've got to see this.

It's incredible.

A huge crowd in front of the lab cheering.

Just like you've always dreamed.

Say what?

[cheering]

Yes!

Pinky,

my dreams of taking over the world

have finally been realized.

Yam! Yam! Yam!

Yam?

This trip is over.

Hurry, Pinky,

we have to get back to reality,

so we can plan for tomorrow night.

Why?

What are we going to do
tomorrow night, Brain?

Same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the yam.

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain, brain. ♪

[theme music playing]