03x09 - A Meticulous Analysis of History/Funny, You Don't Look Rhennish

[bunniefuu]

Gee, Brain, what do you
want to do tonight?

Same thing we do
every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world.

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ One is a genius ♪

♪ The other's insane ♪

♪ They're laboratory mice ♪

♪ Their genes have been spliced ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain,
brain, brain ♪

♪ Before each night is done ♪

♪ Their plan will be unfurled ♪

♪ By the dawning of the sun ♪

♪ They'll take over the world ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Their twilight campaign ♪

♪ Is easy to explain ♪

♪ To prove their mousy worth ♪

♪ They'll overthrow the Earth ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain, brain. ♪

[Pinky]
Narf!

[chewing]

What you doing, Brain?

Reading history, Pinky.

Oh, I love doing that,

but I always forget
to buff the chrome.

That would be waxing the car, Pinky.

That's different.

Oh.

Reading history doesn't make things shiny.

It edifies you

and prepares you to confront

the possibilities of destiny.

Did you know that every time
your mouth moves,

strange sounds come out?

Grrr!

I'll explain this
so that even you can understand.

[classical music playing]

♪ Through meticulous
analysis of history ♪

♪ I will find a way
to make the people worship me ♪

♪ By studying the conquerors
of days gone by ♪

♪ I'll discover the mistakes
that made them go awry ♪

♪ So that you can make
the same mistakes, if you just try ♪

♪ By studying the past
so carefully ♪

♪ I won't repeat
the same mistakes of history ♪

♪ You'll never make
another mistake, you see ♪

♪ 'Cause you'll fall asleep
from reading all that history... ♪

Ooh!

Pay attention, Pinky.

♪ When Cleopatra
reigned as queen ♪

♪ With Roman leaders
she was often seen ♪

♪ But when she had
no ruling friend ♪

♪ She found a poison snake
to bite her in the end ♪

♪ A bite down there I really
wouldn't recommend ♪

♪ I won't need
world alliances ♪

♪ When I'm commanding
everyone's appliances ♪

♪ Oh, no, Brain,
that would really smart ♪

♪ To be bitten
on the bottom by a Cuisinart ♪

♪ Hannibal,
our book confirms ♪

♪ Tried conquering Italy
with pachyderms ♪

♪ Just why he failed,
nobody tells ♪

♪ But he never could get past
the Roman sentinels ♪

♪ And he couldn't
find his weapons in the peanut shells ♪

♪ An elephant
is not required ♪

♪ If I can use the media
to be admired ♪

♪ The TV viewers
you'll delight ♪

♪ Unless the network
puts your show on Sunday night ♪

♪ Attila was
a mighty Hun ♪

♪ He ransacked
Asia Minor just for fun ♪

♪ But when he got
to Europe's banks ♪

♪ He was routed
by an army of heroic Franks ♪

♪ I like mine with sauerkraut
and mustard, thanks ♪

♪ Why pillage
like a criminal ♪

♪ When I can send out
messages subliminal? ♪

♪ Please send
a message to that Hun ♪

♪ To see if he can
pillage me a hot dog bun... ♪

Oh! Zort!

♪ Caligula was
no Boy Scout ♪

♪ He did things
that we can't even talk about ♪

♪ The Romans knew
he'd lost his head ♪

♪ When he filled
a vacant senate seat with Mr. Ed ♪

♪ What's wrong with being friendly
with a thoroughbred? ♪

♪ Why rule like
such a reprobate ♪

♪ When I can put the world
in a hypnotic state? ♪

♪ When everybody's
in a trance ♪

♪ You can make
the people do a chicken dance... ♪

[Turkey in the Straw plays]

Pinky, if you don't stop
this foolishness,

I shall have to hurt you.

[nasally]
Okay.

♪ In France,
Napoleon Bonaparte ♪

♪ Thought b*ating Austria
was very smart ♪

♪ But when he took
on England, too ♪

♪ He was beaten up
by Wellington at Waterloo ♪

♪ And now he's just
a pastry filled with creamy goo ♪

♪ Why conquer
with depravity? ♪

♪ I'll win the world
by undermining gravity ♪

♪ And even
if your plan falls through ♪

♪ Maybe they will
name a pastry after you... ♪

Whoa-ah-aah!

♪ From Genghis Khan
to Charlemagne ♪

♪ From Alexander
down to Tamburlaine ♪

♪ I find
a ruler's tragic flaw ♪

♪ And gain a little wisdom
out of each faux pas ♪

♪ Don't forget
the former governor of Arkansas ♪

♪ That concludes
my little rhyme ♪

♪ I hope this lesson
wasn't just a waste of time ♪

♪ Well, Brain, I've learned
that one thing's true ♪

♪ Every one of them
has failed, and so have you... ♪

Thank you for that
vote of confidence.

Now come. We must prepare
for tomorrow night.

Why? What are we going to do
tomorrow night?

Sing a song
about all the world's cheeses?

No, Pinky.

We shall try
to take over the world...

♪ Through meticulous
analysis of history. ♪

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

Oh, but I like
the cheese song, Brain.

Consider the sneeze, Pinky.

An expl*si*n of air
from the nasal cavity

which renders its victim helpless
for up to 1.8 seconds.

Egad, Brain!

I don't think Courteney
would like seeing people

sneeze off their skin.

Courteney?

My scale model replica
of Courteney Cox

made out of dryer lint.

The eyes are really
food pellets. Poit!

You're a true connoisseur
of the female form.

Now pack your bag, Pinky.

We're off to Minnesota.

Narf!
Courteney loves Minnesota!

Or is that cherry soda?

The state of Minnesota, Pinky.

According to this
geological survey,

one of the richest
untapped mines of sinusite

in the known world
is located there.

Do you have any idea
what sinusite is?

Oh.
You're asking me?

Are you certain
that was dryer lint

and not the stuffing
from your head?

Sinusite is a rock crystal
which, in pulverized form,

is purveyed in gag stores
around the world under the name of...

sneezing powder.

Sneezing powder!
[gushes]

Are we going to play
a joke on somebody?

Yes, Pinky, the entire planet!

We shall unearth
huge quantities of sinusite

and disperse it
throughout the globe

using the world's
most powerful fan.

While the populace is
racked by a massive sneezing fit,

I'll have more than enough time
to take over the world!

Oh, I love
practical jokes, Brain!

Narf!

Then can we make the world
sit on a giant whoopee cushion?

Pay attention, Pinky.

The sinusite is located on land
owned by the Minnesota Rhennish,

A clannish people,
distrustful of strangers.

Observe.

Hmm, they look like
pilgrims, Brain.

Yes, and so must we.

We shall disguise ourselves

in Rhennish clothing
and attempt to pass unnoticed

in their community.

Zort!
Just like Halloween!

Oh, will we get candied apples
and gooey caramels?

No, Pinky. Our reward
will be total domination of the world

and its peoples.

Oh, that's nice, too,

And not as harmful
to your teeth.

This is it, pinky, Minnesota.

Poit!
Courteney's losing weight.

Put Courteney
in your suitcase, Pinky.

We don't want
to scare the locals.

I still don't understand why the Rhennish
wear such funny clothes, Brain.

The Rhennish steadfastly
refuse to expose themselves

to the modern world.

Thus, everything about them
is the same as it was

over 100 years ago.

Narf!

Just like TV's d*ck Clark!

Interesting analogy, my friend.

You'd better let me
do all the talking.

We have no need
for your trinkets

and fancy books, salesmen.

We be not salesmen, friend.

We be your Rhennish cousins
from the West Country

who have lost our way
while looking for the family cow.

Oh, very good, Brain.

Ooh!

Narf!

Hmm. My brother Aesop
is an elder

in the West Country.

If thou beist from there,

perhaps thou couldst
describe him for me.

Um, does he wear
strange pilgrim clothes,

talk funny,
and have interesting breath?

Cousins!

Wife, make up the spare room.

Let my wife Sarah
fix thee a plain, humble meal

of stinkroot nectar
and pie of the turnip.

Mmm, stinkroot.

Uh, no, thank you, friend.

Brother Pinky and I
are tired from our journey

and need our humble rest.

Rest?

Ha ha ha ha!

You make strong
with the humor, Brother Brain.

[bell clangs]

Yah. Comes the bell.

You're just in time
for the afternoon barn raising.

Barn raising?

[Brain] But we be too small
for a barn raising.

Thou art mighty shy,
Brother Brain.

Thou canst craft the nails.

Craft the nails?

Poit! Don't you get
nails in a store?

That wouldst be idleness.

Ahh, I'm so tired, Brain.

Even my elbows ache.

Narf.

My fingers are numb.

Ah, well. Tomorrow
we get the sinusite and leave.

Good night, Pinky.

Good night, Brain.

Good night, Courteney.

Huh? Where are we?
What's wrong?

Calm yourself, friend.

We don't mean to stare.

We never seen a body
sleep so late before.

Late?
What time is it?

[bell clangs]

It be 5 a.m.

Time for the morning
barn raising.

Isn't it awfully early for...

[yawn]

physical labor?

Ha ha ha!

We have heard much
of Brother Brain's humor.

See you presently anon.

Pinky, wake up.
Pinky.

No!
No more funny hats!

Pinky, focus.

Oh, good morning, Brain.

Oh, I had a horrible dream.

Some funny farmer men were forcing us
to wear stick-on beards

and do heavy lifting.

Come, Pinky.
We have a barn to raise.

Aah!
It wasn't a dream!

Pinky, we must come up with a way
to get out of work this afternoon

so we can dig for sinusite.

I've got it!

You have brain fever.

Brain fever.

Narf!
How long have I got?

Go on, you can tell me.

I can take it.

No, Pinky. You'll pretend
to have brain fever

and require
my constant attention.

The symptoms
are lack of concentration

and complete loss
of reasoning abilities.

Look, Brain,
this melted candle wax

looks just like Matt Le Blanc.

On second thought,
just be yourself, Pinky,

and everything should be fine.

Brother Jakob, come quickly!

What is it, Brother Brain?

Brother Pinky
has the brain fever.

I fear that he won't be able to complete
his chores today.

Merciful heavens!

Oh, where am I?

Who am I?

I have no reasoning
abilities whatsoever.

Isn't that right, Brain?
Narf!

Well, he's clearly delirious.

Though I am loathe
to give up my duties,

I best stay here and tend him.

That wouldst be idleness.

No. Let us allow the women
to make the healing.

Wife!

Yes, Jakob.

Bring to boil the spiny nettles.

Spiny nettles?

Poit!

Oh, I'm feeling
much better now, actually.

Come, Brother Brain.

Let us soothe our worries

with extra-hard labor today.

But... but...

I don't have a smidge
of temperature. Really.

Brain!

Stinkroot nectar
for thy labors, Brother Brain?

Thank you, Brother Jakob.

Hmm.

Jakob, might I have a small break

to check on Brother Pinky?

Break?
What is this break?

A break... a small period of rest

during the work day.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

But that wouldst be...

I know.
Don't tell me.

That wouldst be idleness.

No. That wouldst be sloth.

No need to fret
over your friend, brother.

The spiny nettles bring not the pain,

though he mayest find
the leeches a trifle uncomfortable.

Leeches?

Time for the leeches,
Brother Pinky.

This wonst hurteth...

much.

Aah!

My, my, he beist
the nervous, skittish one.

Stop here, Pinky.

There should be
vast sinusite deposits

all throughout this area.

If we start digging now,

we could hit the mother lode
before sunrise.

Righty-o, Brain.

Ow! Pinky!

[Jakob]
Who goes there?

Wonderful.
Caught red-handed

digging in the dead of night.

Ahh!
'Tis Brother Pinky,

healed up wondrous well.

And Brother Brain,
looking a mite poorly.

Brother Jakob, I can explain.

No need, Brother Brain.

There's no shame
in a man being early to his labor.

Early to his...

[bell clangs]

Time for the midnight
barn raising.

I grow to hate it here.

Oh, there you are, Brain.

Brother Jakob says we're to craft
all this iron into nails

by the end of the day.

I'm aware of that, Pinky.

That's why I brought these.

Narf!

They're so shiny and pointy.

Oh, you've really
outdone yourself this time.

Thank you, Pinky,

but I didn't make them.
I bought them.

But, Brain, Jakob says
that be Elliot Ness.

Idleness, Pinky.

But what Brother Jakob
doesn't know won't hurt him.

Now we have
the rest of the day to dig for sinusite.

Come up here and help me
unload these nails. Okay.

Honestly, nails are supposed to be made
by machines in a factory.

It's practically in the constitution.

Here's one, Brain.

Where did you find
this nail, Pinky?

Oh, it was just sticking in the ground
with a big rope around it.

That's what I was afraid of.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Sweet molasses!
Are ye all right?

We beist wonderful well.

Unless you count these
exceedingly sharp nails

Piercing our flesh.
Poit!

But so many nails.

When I left not one hour ago,

thou hast a full day's work
ahead of thee.

Yes, and now that
our day's work is done,

we must be off.

It be a miracle!

I hereby nominate
Brothers Brain and Pinky

to be our ministers of barn raising.

Hear, hear!
Aye! Aye!

No!

No, listen to me!

We are bad barn raisers,

very bad!

So modest.

So humble.

Such a hard worker.

Brothers, I nominate
Brother Brain to be the leader

of our Rhennish clan.

All in favor, say aye.

[All] Aye!

Oh, how exciting, Brain!

The funny farmer men
want you to be their leader!

Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?

I think so, Brain.

But what kind of rides
do they have in Fabioland?

No, Pinky. I can use these men
to do my digging.

Friends, I humbly accept your offer

to anoint me your leader.

Hurrah! Hurrah!

Hurrah! Hurrah!

And as my first official act,

I decree that a magnificent barn

with a beet cellar
be erected right over there.

Hurrah! Hurrah!

Hurrah! Hurrah!

Good news, Brother Brain.

The ground thou hast chosen

be chock full of...

Sinusite!

This is it, Pinky.

Soon the globe
will be consumed with sneezing,

and I will assume
my place as leader of the world

and its peoples.

But, Brother Brain...

You're not sneezing.

I believe I can explain, Brother Brain.

The rock ye hold is fool's sinusite.

It hath not the powers
of its famous cousin.

'Tis a common error.

Fool's sinusite?

You mean it can't be used
as sneezing powder?

Ha ha ha!

If we were sitting
on such a gold mine,

you think we'd be eating
pie of the turnip?

[All] Ha ha ha!

Don't fret, Brother Brain.

The find you make is a happy one.

Though fool's sinusite
be bad for the selling,

It makes excellent grout
for barn raising!

[all shouting]

Oh, think of the bright side, Brain.

Now we can go home
and take a long bath in spiny nettles.

That would be idleness.

No, Pinky.
We must labor extra diligently

in preparation for tomorrow night.

Why, Brain?

What are we doing
tomorrow night?

Making a pork rind sculpture
of David Schwimmer?

No, Pinky.
The same thing we do every night.

Try to take over the world!

♪ They're dinky,
they're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain, brain, brain ♪

[Pinky]
Ah-choo!

[theme music playing]