03x06 - Silver Hammer Society

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

MAN: The string bikini
is a renovation

of the traditional bikini
that generally consists

of the barest
minimal fabric coverage

for the top and bottoms.

Although swimsuits had existed
for hundreds of years,

it wasn't until 1946
that the French engineer

Louis Réard
and fashion designer

Jacques Heim created
the familiar two-piece design

known as the bikini.

- Oh, oui.
- Jacques!

BOTH: Vive la France.

MAN: Both are reduced to

triangles of cloth
connected by strings.

- Man, you guys gonna
watch TV all night?

MICHAEL: We're learning.

So what up with that outfit?

- Yeah, I've never
seen pants that white.

- [laughs]

- Sure, we'll see who's
laughing when I get tapped

by the Silver Hammer Society
and you goobs don't.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, what's up?

- Ow! Ow!

There.

Now I can look
at your pants.

- Yeah, yeah, keep on laughing.

- What are you
all dressed up for?

- He wants to be tapped
by the Silver Hammer Society.

- What's that?
- The most elite club at PCA.

Only the best people
get asked to pledge.

- It sounds stupid.

- Thank you.

- It's not stupid.
- Thank you.

- A lot of famous people
have been Silver Hammers.

- Politicians, major athletes,
movie stars--

- Movie stars?

I wanna join.

- [mimics buzzer]
Sorry.

No girl Hammers.

- What do you mean
no girl Hammers?

- That's not fair.

- Why do you care?

- 'Cause being
in the Silver Hammer Society

can help get you into
a great college.

- And I heard they are
gonna tap girls this year.

- Yeah, right.

Ooh!

Speaking of Silver Hammers--

- What's the present for?

- Just a little insurance
to make sure I get tapped.

Um...

this is just
to let you know.

I'm interested.

- Thanks,
but I'm seeing someone.

- But wait,
wait, wait, wait--

[laughter]

I didn't mean--

[horn honks]

- And that's the PCA Library?

- Mm-hmm,
and your dormitory

is just up over there
by the quad.

- Oh.

Awesome.

- So why are you starting PCA

in the middle of the semester?

- Well, see,
my dad got this huge job

here in California.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

He's gonna be head
of manufacturing

for a major pasta company.

- Ah, noodles.
- Pasta.

He doesn't like it
when people call them noodles.

- Hi, Mr. Conroy!

- Hey, Quinn.

- May I have one of your hairs?

- Sure.

- Why does she want one--

- It's best not to ask.

- Thanks for the hair.

- Wait, Quinn--

I'd like you to meet
a new student.

Sara, this is Quinn.
Quinn, Sara.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey.

Hey, do I know you
from somewhere?

- Um, I don't know.

Where would I--

No.

No, no, no,
I don't know you.

- Are you sure?

'Cause you look really--

- We've never met.
Good-bye.

- That was kind of rude.

- At least
she didn't say noodles.

[laughs]

This way to your dorm.

- So the horse just
kicked you right in the head?

- Yep.

And to this day,

I still can't smell
out of my left nostril.

See?

Pineapple chunk.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

MAN: Zoey Brooks?

- Yeah?

Should I be scared?

- Open it.

- "Zoey Brooks,
by order of the High Council,

"you have been officially tapped
to pledge the Secret Order

of the Silver Hammer Society."

- Oh, my God.

- [laughs]

- A Silver Hammer pin.

- Put it on!
- What?

This has to be a mistake.
Where's my pin?

- Maybe they couldn't find you

without your
shiny white pants on.

[laughter]
- Okay, to celebrate,

I'm gonna buy you
an iced javaccino.

- Thank you.

- Hey, can I get
an iced javaccin--

- Lola Martinez?

- Yes?

[screaming]

- Was that Lola?

- I got tapped.
Look.

- So no iced javaccino?

- Zoey!

- I'm kidding.

Congratulations.

LOGAN: Okay.

How come you two
got tapped, and I didn't?

Hey!

Wait up!

Hey!

Wait up!

I have a present for you.

Hey!

It's for you!

- Oh, my God, I just love
Mr. Morgan's take

on Euclidean geometry.

- Who wouldn't?

- I know.

He just has this style
of communicating

that makes it just so--

Um, let's go this way.

- But I have gym class.

[Quinn grunting]
MARK: It's that way.

- I know!

This is a shortcut!

- Through the janitor's closet?

- Yes!

- Quinn.

- How do you know my name?
We've never met.

- Mr. Conroy
introduced us yesterday.

- Oh.

Right.

Mark, this is Sara,

a girl I just met yesterday
for the first time ever.

- Hey.

- Are you sure
that we've never met?

Because something
about your face

just seems so familiar to me.

- I have to get
my boyfriend to gym class.

- Ahhh!

- This is a closet.
- [grunting]

[loud clattering]

MARK: How is this a shortcut?

QUINN: It just is!

MAN: ♪ It's good ♪

♪ To see you again ♪

LOGAN: I don't get it.

How could the Silver Hammers

have tapped Zoey and Lola
and not me?

- Because Lola and Zoey
are likeable?

- Wait.

I know what's going on.

- What's going on?

- For whatever reason,

they're only tapping girls
this year.

- Then explain this--

- You?

You?

You?

- Me, me, me.

- You got tapped?

- Why didn't you tell me?

- 'Cause I don't care.

I'm not joining
that stupid club.

- You have to.

You can't refuse a tap.

- Watch closely.

- What's the matter with you?

- I don't like exclusive clubs.

They're just a bunch of jerks
who can only feel big

and important
by keeping other people out.

- Exclusive clubs
are very important.

They help losers understand
they don't belong.

Tell him.

- Nah, I think Chase
did the right thing.

- What?
- Ha.

And now, I walk away.

- Hey.

You did not
do the right thing.

Chase.

Chase!

Chase.

- Michael Barret?

- Hello.

- I got tapped?

I got tapped!

[laughing]

Yes!

Michael Barret,
a future member

of the Silver Hammer Society.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my god.

- You got tapped?

- Maybe.

- Oh, man.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

They asked Chase.

They asked Michael.

They asked girls.

What is wrong with these people?

♪ ♪

[gong reverberates,
triangle rings]

♪ ♪

- Kneel.

- I can't believe we're here.

- Shh.

- Welcome, pledges,

to the inner sanctum

of the Order of
the Silver Hammer Society.

- "Inner sanctum."

I already feel special.

- When I call your names,

you will remove your blindfolds.

Jeffrey Bushell.

[triangle rings]

Steve Holland.

[triangle rings]

Michael Barret.

[triangle rings]

Zoey Brooks.

[triangle rings]

Lola Martinez.

[triangle rings]

Neil Varnahay.

[triangle rings]

Chase Matthews.

[triangle rings]

- That's not Chase.

- I am, too, Chase.

Look at this stupid shirt
and my hair.

I mean, it's a tangled mess.

- Intruder!

- Remove the impostor.

LOGAN: Aw, c'mon.

- You know what?
Fine.

I don't wanna be
a Silver Hammer.

I'm gonna start
my own exclusive club.

You'll see!

You'll wish you had me!

- Order has been restored.

Joe Cantania.

[triangle rings]

Now...

you are the select few

who've been tapped to join

the Silver Hammer Society.

[triangle rings]

But just being tapped

does not guarantee
your membership.

[triangle rings]

Stop that!

- Now you will all be tapped

by the Silver Hammer
of Testitude.

When tapped,
you will open the envelope

in front of you
and read the special tasks

you must perform
to become a Silver Hammer.

- Flosser?

- Shaver?

- Feeder?

[horn honks]

- G-Two.

- Miss.

Unh.

D-Seven.

- Ah.

You sunk my w*r boat.

- Yes.

- Play again?

- Set them up.

- Excuse me, could you guys
show me how to get

to the PCA bookstore?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

- Let me look at this map.

Um, all right,
so we're right here.

- Okay.
- We're not there, though.

- Yeah, we're not, and, uh,
you have to go over here.

- So, wait, that's--

- Do you have a compass?

- Or a barometer.

- You'll need to check
the atlas here.

- There you go.
- Book store.

- All right, so, um...

Uh...

- I don't even know
where we are.

Ow!

- What happened?
- What?

- Something hit my neck.

- Um...

Looks like a quail egg.

- Well, how'd I get hit
with a quail egg?

Oh!

Now I have to go
wash my neck.

- What did she tell you?

- Nothing.

She just wanted directions.

- You swear
she said nothing about me?

- Swear.

- What would she say?

- How would I know?

I just met her a few days ago.

Leave me alone!

And never talk to her again,

either of you.

- Baby.

- Never again!

- G-Five.

- Hit.

- Yes.

- So what do you guys think,

spring break in
Aspen or Acapulco?

- Depends.

- You in the mood
for hot or cold?

- That's the thing
I can't decide.

Corn!

- I'm thinking
about going to Europe

with my stepmom.

- You gotta hit Florence.

- Rib!

Mmm.

Rotate.

- Excuse me, I'm thirsty.

- Okay.

- Hey.

I feel barbecue sauce
on my face.

- Sorry, I forgot.

- Silver Hammers don't forget.

- Use a moist towelette.

- Do I really have to do this?

- Lawrence is on the swim team.

- I need to be hydro-dynamic.

- Do you really want
a Silver Hammer

to be slowed
by his back hair?

- No.

- Okay, then.

Start shaving.

- Well, that was tasty.

- Oh, yes, it was.

- Ooh.

- Zoey, you're dismissed.

- Thank you.

- Flosser!

- [grunts]

- Oh, gah--gah--

- Open wide, yeah.

Oh, watch the tongue.
Watch the tongue.

I think I got a rib.
Got a corn.

Oh, corn, too, yeah, oh.

- Okay, first,

I'd like to thank
everyone for coming,

even Janitor Bandville.

You people
are the first pledge class

of PCA's newest,
most exclusive secret society,

the Loganites.

Chase, if you wanna be a member,

you have to pay attention.

- I don't wanna be a member.

- Then why are you here?

- I live here.

- Now, before you can
become a Loganite,

you must prove
yourself worthy.

- How?

- Okay.

You must each strip down
to your underwear

and run across campus.

- Why?

- Because you're pledges,
and you have to suffer

before you can taste
the sweetness

of being a true Loganite.

- Well, I'm not running around
in my underwear.

I have tan lines.

- Ew.

- I'm gonna go
sh**t some pool.

Mark, Arthur, George,

wanna play?

- All right.

- Okay, that's it.

You people
will never be Loganites.

- Yay.
- Chase.

- Uh, well,
where can I hang my pants?

- Ah.
I knew it.

Hey, you guys.
Come here.

Come here.

- Whatcha need?
- Hey.

- You're both friends
with Quinn, right?

- Sure.

- She's my girlfriend.

- Okay, see,
when I was little,

I used to compete
in beauty pageants, right?

Okay, now watch.

This is a pageant I did


WOMAN: And now Quinn Pensky
will perform with ribbons.

- There she is.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

BOTH: Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

- Ahh!

No!
Turn it off!

Stop it!
- Quinn--

- I know, it's ridiculous.

I didn't realize how bad it was
because I was only five.

I didn't know.

It was before I turned seven
and realized my true path

was intellectual superiority
over all others.

- Quinn--

- Don't lose respect for me.

Don't judge me.

It wasn't my fault.

It wasn't my fault!

- She seems upset.

- So tonight
we're gonna be inducted

as full members, right?
- We better be.

This was the worst week
of my life.

- Why did we have
to be humiliated all week

just to join a club?

- It's so stupid.

- Yeah, but next year we get
to humiliate other kids.

Hey.

[triangle rings]
I can't see anything.

Hey. Hey.
Who's this right here?

- Hey!

- Sorry, Lola.

Whoa!

- Congratulations.

You have reached
the final initiation ritual.

Tonight, you will become members
of the Silver Hammer Society.

- [chuckles]

- Except for one of you.

- Huh?
- Wait.

What do you mean,
"except for one of us"?

- One pledge
is always eliminated.

- How can you guys just decide
that one of us doesn't--

- We don't decide.

- You, the pledges, decide.

- We're supposed to vote
one of ourselves out?

- It is the tradition
of the Silver Hammer Society.

- Okay. Then pick me.
'Cause I don't want to be

a member of a club
that makes you turn

against your
friends to get in.

- Fine.
Your loss.

Now, that means the rest of you
will now officially

be inducted into--

- I'm out, too.

- Yeah.

Tap this.

- Oh.

- Here.

Keep the floss, 'cause I think
you got some early signs

of gum disease in there,
somewhere in there.

[triangle rings]

- Stop that!

WOMAN: ♪ Well,
we'll have to say it ♪

♪ Over again ♪

♪ Don't cry, baby ♪

♪ All good things
must come to an end ♪

♪ Some day, maybe ♪

- Hey.

WOMAN: ♪ You and I
will be good friends ♪

- I've been looking for you.

- Yeah, I know.

You're breaking up with me.

- I am?

- I can't blame you.

You've seen me
at the most humiliating time

of my life.

That stupid dress

and the dumb ribbons,

and my hair--

oh, my, God,
my hair was so--

- I thought it was adorable.

So--

- What?

- You still got those ribbons?

- Well, well, well.

I hear you lost
all your pledges.

Looks like now
you got no new members.

Serves you jerks right.

- You wanna join?

- Yes.

Yes!

Yeah.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thanks.

Oh, God, thank you.
And thank you, dude.

Thanks.
Dude, thank you.

Yes, I'm--oh, my--

oh, man,
this is awesome.

I'm a Silver Hammer,
and you're not!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

- I think
I do have gum disease.

[patriotic music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

JANITOR BANDVILLE: Where can I
hang my pants?