"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
You know, Ariel, what I like best about chamber-of-commerce meetings?
Coming back here and drinking it off.
Are you trying to get me drunk and have your way with me?
Hey, I haven't given up on men yet.
But if I ever do, you are at the top of my if-I-were-gay list.
That is so sweet.
All right, I've got meetings with horrible people early tomorrow morning, so this is me getting my coat.
And this is me keeping the rest of the wine for myself.
Bye.
See ya.
Valerie, this is not that big of a deal.
It is to me. All I wanted you to do was meet my father.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
Find some other barista to make your skinny vanilla lattes.
We're over, Joe Longo.
Wait a minute. Wait-- hey!
Jeez, Longo, would it have k*lled you to meet her father?
Sort of. He d*ed two years ago.
She brought him over in a jar.
She wanted me to meet his ashes.
Wow, big surprise-- another one of your light-weight ladies pops like a balloon and flies around the room. Pfft!
It's too bad too. Valerie was really something special.
She's the only one who ever got my skinny vanilla lattes exactly right.
I am so sorry for your loss.
But, come on, she's not the first woman to storm out of here saying, "it's over, Joe Longo."
It is the first time a woman stormed out of here carrying a dead guy in a can.
You know, not that I'm keeping track, but since I've known you, you've dated nothing but these insubstantial flaky crazies.
Hey, you forgot "hot."
Oh, okay-- hot and flaky. You're dating puff pastries.
You know, you need a woman who's more mature, more refined, more meaty.
Mmm, yeah, I do like 'em meaty, like a lady pot pie.
You know what you need? You need a woman who's got goals and a career.
You know? Someone who's strong and independent, I mean, you know, one that can stand you.
Unfortunately, women like that don't just fly around like Mary Poppins on her umbrella.
Sorry, forgot my umbrella.
Nooo.
♪ It's all good ♪ ♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪ ♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
Sorry to barge in, these I've bought in a month.
I'm single-handedly supporting the umbrella industry of Toledo.
( Laughs )
Okay, this is Ariel, my friend from the chamber of commerce, and this is Joe, my male nanny man.
Thank you for butching that up, Burke.
Hi.
Nice meeting you, Joe.
I was just going to say the exact same thing, except I was going to put your name in the Joe spot.
Yeah, that's great. Okay.
Well, see you later, Ariel.
Bye, Joe.
Bye.
( Sighs )
I am starving.
Hey, wait a minute. What about her, huh?
Fix me up with Ariel.
Uh, "nooo" means nooo.
Hey, now come on, you said I need someone classy and smart and who actually buries their dead.
Joe, please, Ariel is the goal.
When you decide to go to the moon, you don't send your best guy first.
You start off with a chimp.
So you want me to date a chimp?
Ariel is a CEO. She runs her own business.
She is the dream. Ease into it, you know?
Get your feet wet with a nice paralegal.
Ah, I see, so you don't think I could handle your little high-powered blazer lady friend.
Personally, I think you'd be stretching it with the chimp.
Is there anything you need? Can I get you something?
Am I talking too much? Is this too many questions?
I'll be okay. ( Sighs )
What's with her, Haskell? Did something bad happen?
Yeah, the worst thing imaginable.
They kicked her off the school blog.
Oh, that's it?
I mean, yes, of course, that is the worst thing imaginable.
I transformed that blog.
"I got rid of stupid articles like "What if 'Twiight' was real?"
I made it significant. I made it matter.
Who'd you piss off this time?
She called her gym teacher the Kim Jong Il of physical education.
Ooh!
It needed to be said.
She's mean and they have the same haircut.
Maybe it didn't need to be written down.
I've been telling her, she should start her own blog.
She doesn't listen to other people.
( Gasps ) I just had the greatest idea.
I'm gonna start my own blog.
Good idea. I love hearing you think.
Do you know how lucky I am?
I forget-- how long have they been married?
They totally get each other. It's sickening.
I know. Speaking of great couples, you gonna hook me up with Ariel?
Fine, I'll call her for you.
But, you know, I predict this whole thing's going to blow up in your face.
I mean, she may not even be interested in you.
Are you kidding? She... saw me.
Man's voice: To make a knit stitch, hold the needle you've cast onto in your left hand.
Got it.
Hold the yarn in your right hand.
Got it.
Insert the tip of the right needle
into the first stitch of--
Wait, my right or your right?
Wait, whoa, slow down. Hold on.
The right needle under--
Wait, slow down!
Pause. Damn it, pause!
See? So simple anyone can do it.
Oh, screw this. I'm getting myself a glass of wine.
Hey, there. What are you up to?
Knitting, damn it. It's relaxing.
Nice. I just got back from my first date with Ariel.
You know, the one that you said was going to blow up?
And you were right, it did blow up...
Like the Fourth of friggin' July, baby!
She liked you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it that way.
But she liked you?
Yeah, we got along great.
And I have to admit, it was actually very refreshing to go out with a woman who is my intellectual peer...
Basically.
So thank you.
That's it?
Thank you? What's the twist? Where's the zinger?
There's no twist. There's no zinger.
Oh, and tonight when we were at dinner, I ran into an old friend of mine from business school who is now in fact single and I think would be perfect for you.
Perfect for what?
Perfect for you to go out with.
All right? This is my way of saying thanks.
Consider this friend of mine a muffin basket of man for you.
Joe, I don't think I'd be interested in any friend of yours.
And therein lies the problem.
You hold all men up to an impossible ideal.
I could walk George Clooney in here and you'd find fault with him.
Uh, Clooney does seem pretty self-involved.
Are you kidding?
I am not a fault-finder.
You are the drug-sniffing dog of finding fault.
You broke up with that one guy because he was too handsome.
I don't like to date anyone prettier than me.
Well, that-- all right, I get that.
What about that doctor that you broke up with, huh?
He could never focus on me, you know?
He was always checking in to see if some precious kidney had arrived at the airport. Talk about self-involved.
And that is my point. You always find the flaws.
Well, I have high standards.
Yeah, and all the mittens you can knit on a Saturday night.
Tell him to call me.
You will not be sorry.
Good. Just make sure he's not--
I'm sorry, were you going to say something?
Nothing.
How's your blog coming?
I've only got a few articles and half a format.
And my site still needs a catchy name.
How about "The Daily Lennox," or "Nuggets from Scanlon"?
I said catchy, not sucky.
"Cranky Teen Girl"?
"It's All About Me"?
"I'm the only one with problems dot com"?
Excuse me, I don't complain.
I explain what's going on. I explain what people need to know.
How about "Yappety Yap Yap"?
I'm giving you gold. You should be writing these down. - ( Knocks )
Good luck with that one.
So did you eat yet, or you want to get something at the movies?
Oh God, I forgot.
But I have so much to do for my blog.
I don't even have a name for it yet.
Got it-- "I'm blonde as hell and I'm not going to take it any more."
I'm telling you, these are great.
I'm sorry, Haskell, but I really have to work.
Oh, okay. You've got work to do.
Yeah, that's cool. That's cool.
I've got some stuff to do myself.
Later, bye.
Wow. Lennox, ouch.
What?
Haskell looked really upset there.
What? No no. He had things to do. He said he was cool.
Yeah, when a guy says it's cool, it's kind of like when we say, "everything's fine."
Oh. Oh!
I didn't mean to blow him off, I'm just so busy.
No one has any idea how much work this blog thing is.
No, I think we do, 'cause you keep telling us.
You know, maybe you need to make a little more effort in your relationship.
I want to. Haskell's important to me.
How do you do it all, Aunt Mel?
You can't. You're going to have to give up something.
I mean, look at me. I had to sacrifice my 6:00 a.m. workouts that I loved so much that one time I went.
No no, I can do it all.
I'll figure it out.
Yeah, you'll be the one.
( Laughs )
Hey, sorry I've got to rush out of here.
I've got a blind date that Joe set me up with.
You understand, right?
Sure.
Everything's fine.
Cool.
All right, "To know him is to love him."
Written by Phil Specter; Recorded by the Teddy Bears in 1958.
Right again. Wow, okay, "Earth Angel."
Williams and Belvin. Released in 1955 by The Penguins.
Correct. You cannot be stumped.
I can also recite the U.S. vice presidents in reverse order.
It is a freakish, useless gift.
I can fit my whole fist in my mouth, although it doesn't really impress the boyfriends' parents.
I learned that the hard way.
Want some more cheesy garlic fries?
That might be the hottest thing a man has ever said to me.
Excuse me for a second. I just gotta check in on the kids.
I mean, not my kids, of course. My sister's kids.
Your much much older sister, right?
I mean, you're way too young to have kids.
You're practically a teenager yourself.
Oh, you are scoring all kinds of points tonight.
But technically, I am legal, so...
Uh, hi, Joe's voice-mail.
You said you wanted a mid-date report, so here it is: You know, I have to admit, things are going really great.
Your friend Clark, he's terrific.
So thank you. Straight up, no twist.
Miss me?
You look familiar. Stick your fist in your mouth.
Oh oh, not on a first date.
All right, "Stand By Me."
Denise Garcia.
I don't know that version, but the original was The Drifters.
( Sobbing )
But, you know, you got one wrong. It's okay.
Have a garlic fry.
No, Denise Garcia is my ex-wife.
That was our song.
Sorry.
I'm a little raw from the divorce.
Yeah, it must be hard to start dating so soon after a breakup.
Denise left me 89 weeks ago.
Uh, let it all out.
And there's the twist.
Chubby Checker, 1959!
Welcome back.
Ah!
You scared me.
I live here.
Yeah, that's what's scary.
So I got your voice-mail.
You had a good date, huh? You like Clark, right?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, jeez, the tight lips.
Get ready for it, ladies and gentlemen.
What is it? She found a flaw.
Is he too tall? Is he too short?
Was his heart b*ating at an unacceptable rate?
Uh, he can't stop thinking about his ex-wife.
Look at that-- you just pick and pick and pick until you find a flaw.
Believe me, I didn't have to pick at anything.
It was right there on the surface like a big open weeping sore, and I mean weeping.
He's in touch with his feelings.
Hey, did you ever consider that maybe you're the common denominator in all of your dating train wrecks? Maybe the problem is you.
Oh, I'm the problem? People don't want to go out with me?
Those are your words.
( Cell phone beeping )
Aha! It's from Clark.
What do you know? He wants to go out with me again.
He doesn't think I'm the problem.
He called me Denise in the text.
I'm sure that's just a typo-- Mel, Denise.
Oh, boy.
Wait a minute. Don't give up on Clark just yet.
He's a good guy, all right? A blind date is a very stressful situation.
I'll tell you what-- I'm going to do you a favor, all right?
Let's do a double date.
Sometimes being in a group takes a lot of the pressure off.
Double date, really?
What is this, "High School Musical"?
My idea is flawed? It has a fault?
Okay, fine, you know what? We're all going to go out together and I'm sure it'll be flawless.
Maybe tone down the sarcasm just a bit.
Yeah, that's gonna happen.
Wow, it's like a disease with me.
( Romantic cinematic music playing on TV )
Oh! Need my hand.
It's a note for the drama-club story.
Last interruption, I promise.
We can turn this off.
No no no!
This is good. I can write and date and do it all.
( Cell phone ringing )
Oh, this is the teacher that got fired that I wanted to interview.
You know what? Go ahead. We'll watch the movie another night.
It's cool.
No, cool? No, not cool. Stay.
Please stay. Hey, Miss Cunningham.
No, I'm not in the middle of anything.
You're super important to me. Now sit down on the couch.
What? Really?
Can I quote you on that?
I'll read about it on the blog.
That's not on the menu.
Maybe later.
I'm hoping so.
Hey, Clark, how about we hit the dance floor? Shake our groove thing?
Denise had a groove thing.
Ahem, thanks, you know?
This whole double-date thing really took his mind off his ex.
I wish I was knitting right now.
Then I'd have some needles I could poke in my eyes.
You know, it's not just about the other person, Burke.
All right? It's also about what you bring out in the other person.
That's the secret of my success.
See, I bring out the best in women.
You know what you bring out in me? This line right here.
Hey, you want a Margarita?
Margarita? That was Denise's middle name.
Yeah? Well, it's my middle name too.
Waiter?
Ooh, come on, we have to dance.
Yeah, dancing isn't really my thing.
That's 'cause you never danced with me.
I'm sure you're good, but no.
Little known fact-- dancing with me has made blind people see.
Okay, one dance.
There we go! That's the spirit.
Come on now. Come on, here we go.
I'm sorry, Mel. This must be the worst date you've ever been on.
Not the worst. You know, I didn't come back from the bathroom to find you wearing my bra and panties.
The night is young.
See? You're fun.
I want to bring that out in you, Clark.
You're so sweet and forgiving and uncritical.
I know? Right?
Hey, Haskell.
Everybody at school said I should read your blog, so I checked it out.
I worked really hard on that.
So this Haskell you're apologizing to, that's-- that's me, right?
It is. I just feel awful. No more distracted dating.
I won't do that to you ever again.
Oh, you will. And that's why I brought over my stuff.
We're gonna sit here and do our own separate things...
Together.
You know what? We could stop every 20 minutes and take make-out breaks.
Yeah, that's good. 'Cause I've heard frequent breaks from the computer prevent eye strain and other kinds of strain.
Oh, yeah. In fact, it's good to start with a break right away.
Hey, I got it! The name for your blog.
Give up already.
"Lennox Explains It All."
That's... really good.
Yeah.
Totally original.
It'd be great, huh?
Yeah, it's great.
Now get out.
Where were we?
Oh yeah, eye break.
I was so embarrassed after that first date.
I barely had the courage to ask you out again, so I texted real fast before I lost my nerve.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you did. You know, everybody deserves a second chance.
You're right.
So I am going to give this tomatillo sauce one more sh*t.
Ah, too hot, too hot, too hot.
Yeah, you know, that extra mild will get you every time.
( Slow music playing )
Hey, you want to dance?
Really? You sure?
Yeah.
You don't have to.
I want to.
Ooh, this is the rumba. Come on, we have to dance to this one.
I need to sit down. That's enough for me.
No no no, just one more. One more.
I did it once, okay?
Look, I didn't even want to come here tonight.
I know, I know. But seeing as we did everything you wanted to do on all of our other dates, I think it's only fair that you do what I want to do tonight, give my choice a try.
Well, I tried it and I didn't like it.
You sure about that?
I saw you smiling out there. I think you liked it.
Joe, I was smiling to be polite.
Notice I am no longer smiling.
I'm gonna go home now.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, don't--
It's over, Joe Longo.
Ariel?
What just happened?
Mel?
Yeah?
Holding you close like this...
Yes, Clark?
...And looking into your eyes...
I think I feel it too.
...I miss my wife so much.
Your ex-wife, Clark.
No, maybe not. You said yourself, everyone deserves a second chance.
Well, yeah, I said it. I didn't mean it.
I'm gonna go yell outside her apartment window right now.
Screw that restraining order!
I'm throwing myself on the mercy of the love court!
Wow, guy's got a real problem, huh?
( Laughing )
Yeah, you think?
So where's Ariel?
Oh, she had to leave. She had an-- an emergency.
What kind of emergency?
The-- the not-liking-me kind.
Ah, great. So both our dates crapped out and this night's going to end at 8:17.
Well, I'm not going home now.
Yeah, that'd be pathetic.
So should we, like, dance?
Why the hell not?
You know, Joe, I don't get it.
We were both fixed up by really smart people.
Experts who did everything exactly right.
Yeah, but I just seemed to bring out the crazy in Clark.
Well, you do have a gift.
You know, this whole finding-the-right-person thing is really hard.
It is, it is.
But you know, that's why you just have to keep trying.
You know, 'cause somewhere out there is a man with a very high level of tolerance who will one day come into your life and sweep you off your feet...
Flawlessly.
Aw, Joe, that's so sweet.
And, you know, I'm sure somewhere out there is a woman-- probably a deaf one-- who will, you know, be willing to put up with all the things that make you so you.
Yeah.
Ow!
Sorry.
Will you stop trying to lead, please? Just let me lead.
That's not leading. That's shoving me around the dance floor.
The man leads, the woman follows. That's how it works on the dance floor.
Okay, just shut up and dance.
'Morning.
Hi.
So?
See you Friday, Joe?
Absolutely.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, Phil.
Is Phil her ash daddy?
He is a really great guy.
Just don't sneeze around him.