01x11 - Surf Legend

[bunniefuu]

[boom]

Balls! The waves
are all flat and mushed out.

I'll go rub the statue.

Yeah, I've been meaning
to ask about that.

Why is everybody always
touching its crotch?

Dude! No one's told you
the story of duke lopez?

Ah, he's my hero.

Legend has it that his father
was a big game fisherman.

One day, he accidentally
hooked a mermaid,

And they fell
madly in love.

[gasps]

Sure, they had to put up
with stares and whispers...

[gasps]
[vomits]

But they didn't care.
[dolphin laugh]

But after years of
only oral sex, they grew apart.

Even fertilizing the fish eggs
lost its joy.

But then,
a miracle happened,

And that little guppy
grew up to be duke lopez.

Heart of a fish,
legs of a man,

Just as at home in the sea
as on land.

With his signature speedos,
he won every surf contest

Up and down the coast.

He was unbeatable,

And some say his magic
european lycra swim briefs

Were a gift
from poseidon himself.

And then one day
it happened...

[thunder claps]

The dongabunga.

A rogue wave that strikes
the shore once every 15 years.

A hundred feet
of sheer destruction.

While others fled, duke paddled
into the belly of the beast.

The man had huge balls.

He must've had
a lot of courage.

That,
and you could see them

Through
the aforementioned speedos.

Many have tried since,
but duke was the only one

To ever surf
the dongabunga.

Awesome.
Where is he now?

He just disappeared.

Some say he left in search of
bigger waves and better women,

But no one knows for sure.

Rub the nethers
for good weathers.

I got this one,
buddy.

Uh, mondo,
the statue's over there.

Then what's this?

This is bruce,
and I didn't say stop.

[surf punk music]

♪ ♪

[mechanical clinking]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Chester "the wave molester"
on the scene,

Working his way up the wall now
is reigning two-time champ,

Local bro,
turk "the jerk" turkpatrick.

As you can see, he's reminding
us all that he's number one.

Suck it, losers!

Hide your kids.
Hide your wife.

He's about to
attempt the impossible!

No way! He's gonna break
a two-year cell phone agreement

Without a penalty!

Live agent, please.

He's done it!
He's done it!

No, no,
you have a good day.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

Crap,
that didn't work.

Ow,
my crotch and my eyes!

And our final contestant
and current leader,

The reigning junior champ,
woodie stone!

All he has to do is
stay on his board,

And it'll be
the upset of the year.

He's gonna win!
He's gonna win!

All right! Do it!
Whoo-hoo!

[lenses snap]

That's my son.

Whoa!

All: Oh!

I mean,
that's my sun.

Source of all life.
I know I don't say it enough,

But I love you, sun.
[chuckles]

Someone should see
if that loser drowned.

Don't worry about it man.
It's just a surf meet.

Oh, you don't get it.

This is everything I've been
working for my whole life,

And I choked.

I got this.

All right, googling
sports cliches

That you say to losers who
have thrown away their careers.

Hm, ah! "everyone loves
a ladies man, tiger."

Nope. "no one cares
about puppies, mr. Vick."

Uh-uh.
"a self-aggrandizing tv special

Was a great idea,
lebron."

No way!
Ah, here we are.

"you'll get
'em next time."

There's not gonna be
a next time.

Sorry I let you down,
duke.

It's okay, kid.

Now, rub me for luck.

It'll make
all of us feel better.

[vomiting sounds]

Milan,
are you okay?

Uhh, my hurl sesh
was really weird today.

I was actually nauseous
before it happened.

Are you feeling okay
otherwise?

I feel great.
I jumped a whole cup size.

Didn't even have to
pay for it. Ha.

Do you think
you could be pregnant?

You're pregnant, slut.

Oh, sorry, reflex.

You should probably
take a pregnancy test.

Oh, I hate taking tests.

Can't I just have that asian kid
take it for me?

"lobster style bisque"?

Mmm, consider my interest
piqued.

I'll give you a clue.
It's cockroaches.

What? They're
the lobsters of the wall.

Dude, this is serious.
I lost my stoke.

Stoke?

Stoke is
your guiding force.

It's what steers you
on a surfboard,

Tells you
what to put on a burrito,

And lets you know
which hand to use

When you're making love
to yourself.

Without it you've got
no confidence,

You can't make any decisions,
you're lost.

It can't be that bad.

This morning I couldn't decide
between sneakers or sandals.

I look like a lesbian
or a japanese man in the summer!

What'll it be,
stretch?

Uh, uh, uhh...

Uh, lobster style bisque!
Damn!

Really? Okay.
You want a side dish?

Uh, more bisque!

[bleep]
see what I'm dealing with?

Will you calm down?
You're not choking.

[choking]

[grunting]
[laughs]

Way to go, mondo.
I always pegged you as a bottom.

[vomits]
I dunno man,

The only person I ever heard of
getting their stoke back was me.

Back in the day,
I had it all.

Pontiac fiero,
closet full of turtlenecks,

And dental insurance
with a reasonable co-pay.

Then, just like that,
it was gone in a puff of smoke.

[coughs]

But after 20 dark years,
the contents of which

I cannot legally
share with you,

I turned it all around and
moved into this bitchin' van.

[coughs]

[spits]

b*mb-diggity!

See?
Everything's gonna be just fine.

Shh!
Do you hear it?

Oh, it's coming.

What's coming?

The dongabunga.

It'll be here
in two days.

It's going to be
the biggest wave ever,

Reaching in excess
of 100 feet.

You can tell all that
from listening to the sand?

No, man.
Some loser lost his radio.

[laughs]

Woodie,
this is perfect timing.

You need to do something big
to get your stoke back

And surfing the dongabunga
is it!

How am I supposed to surf
a monster wave

When I don't even
have the confidence

To order what I want
for lunch?

Look, I'm holding a tofu
shake with an estrogen boost!

Sure, I'm glowing,
but at what cost to my manhood?

[sucks on straw]

Here's our answer.
Wait...

[clanging]
yup, here's our answer!

Oh, of course!

A copper codpiece
is gonna give woodie

All the confidence
he needs!

Or we could
get duke lopez

To train woodie
to surf the dongabunga!

But no one's seen him
for years.

We'll never find him.

We'll do whatever it takes
to track him down,

Tax records,
dental records--

[laughs]
what?

I just came!

Hang on--
multiple times!

Let me finish--
across duke's address.

That's him!
All right.

He lives smack dab
in the middle of "r*pe county."

Both: Huh?
"so named

For the abundant fields
of rapeseed."

[both sigh]

"...And
all the prison r*pes."

Uh?
Shotgun!

So do you have any idea
who the father might be?

It's either justin timberlake,
tony parker,

The oakland raiders,
daughtry--the bandnd,

Or my ex-boyfriend daughtry--
the singer.

You slept with
all of those guys?

No, but I did use a hot tub
at the four seasons

After the espy awards.

You know, milan,
I'm really happy to help you

With this whole situation,

But what about
your other friends?

Oh, the kuntz twins?

Yeah, they can be
such raging--

Oh, what's the word
I'm searching for?

Chatty cathies.

Ooh,
this one looks hot!

"16 and pregnant
home testing kit.

Now with free sample
of jersey shore brand valtrex."

[claps and squeals]

You want your kids
to grow up right?

It's up to you
to ask the hard questions.

"are you a t*rror1st?"

"do you drug mule
for the yakuza?"

See you later, ma,
I'm going out.

Wait a minute, mister,
where are you going?

As a parent,
I need to know.

Uh!
I'm going to r*pe county

To meet some old guy that
wadska found on the internet.

You don't have to be
sarcastic. Jeez.

[boom]

You sure you got
the right address?

Whoo-hoo!

Good, great, hang ten.
You got it, boostamucha.

Help!
I can't swim!

Excuse me, um,
are you duke lopez?

If you're wondering if
I'm your father, get in line.

I've got dna swabs
in the rv.

No, nick nolte mug sh*t,

We need to talk to you
about the dongabunga.

Step into my office.

Seriously!
I'm drowning!

Whoa!

You won maverick's in '81?

Hung over
while passing a kidney stone

On half a board with


Is this the pearl necklace

That you won
at the oahu invitational?

Yawn.

I pawned the necklace.
Those are pleasure beads.

Un-yawn!

No offense to you
and your squalor,

But what the hell happened?

After playa del toro,
I moved on to the pro circuit.

I was
on top of the world--

Fame, women,
lucrative endorsement deals.

Dibs!
They were right.

You were on a quest for
bigger waves and better women.

I never said that, kid.

I was after better waves
and bigger women.

Is that ms. Teets?

That's my voneeta.
[sniffles]

I'll tell you boys,
when I left playa del toro,

I left behind the
most important thing of all...

My heart.

I went back for her,
but she wouldn't have me.

I even put 1/2 dozen donuts
on my ding-dong.

[sniffs]
she just ate the donuts.

[sobs]

After that,
I lost my passion for surfing,

For life,
for everything.

When I woke up
as the meat

In a delta burke/roseanne barr
sandwich,

I knew
I'd hit rock bottom.

So I stumbled out of that
hardee's,

And in the parking lot

Was a man selling
this endless wave machine.

So you just gave up?

But you're my hero.

You know, I don't remember
asking for that job.

[spits]

Mr. Duke,
is there any way

You can help my friend
get his stoke back?

[pttt]
ha!

My time's more important
than that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have an appointment

To sell some blood
for cigarette money.

[metal crashing]

Huh, kid's got talent.

That's the best I've seen,
since...

Me.

How 'bout this--we'll help you
get your heart back

If you'll help woodie
get his stoke back.

Quid pro quo.

Tit for teets.

Come on, just hold it
while I pee.

No!
You sound just like turk.

[both laugh]

[urinating]

[screams]

This is the worst thing
I've ever seen!

Oh, no,
is it positive?

No, I just saw your shoes.
Gross.

Tell me how the rest
of 2006 turns out.

Oh, sorry!
Sorry. Old habits.

[screaming]
oh, my god, no!

What,
is it my hair?

No, but now that you
mention it,

That cut does make
your face look fat.

Also, crap!

It's pregnant.
[sobs]

I'll call my doctor.

Ah! No offense,
but we're going to my doctor.

He did my mom's
vajayjay-rejuv,

And if I'm knocked up,

I wanna get an estimate
on future repairs.

[gasps] oh god,
I'm gonna throw up.

Is it morning sickness?

No, your pants.

[vomits]

Mondo? What's with
this hair everywhere?

Are you going through
the changes?

No, ma, they belong
to the old guy from r*pe county.

He spent the night
in my bed.

Very f funny.

Look...I just want to be
a part of your life.

Bye, ma.

[squeaking]
ooh.

Dongabunga's coming.

We got 24 hours.
All right, duke.

Let's hit the waves.
Put the board away, jughead.

From what I've seen,

You've already got the surfing
skills you need.

What you lack
are balls of steel.

[pop]

[acid rock music]

Aah!

♪ ♪

You really think
I'm ready?

I know it.
But just in case,

I'm gonna entrust you
with my secret w*apon.

Is it cinnamon?

Because a lotta times when
people say there's a secret,

It's usually cinnamon.

I'm gonna--I'm gonna
let you finish now.

Wow!
Are these the magic--

Damn straight.

That's the same pair I wore
when I rode the dongabunga.

[sniffs]

Ugh! Can't he wash them?

I wouldn't.

Now, I believe you boys
promised me a handful of teats.

Good news, milan.
You're as barren

As a 38-year-old single lawyer

Who thinks she made
the right decision

By choosing a career
over having a family.

But she's not happy.
I can hear you!

Sorry, meredith.

So she's not pregnant.

But...What about
the positive test?

Oh, that's because
milan's urine

Is 43% illegal
appetite suppressants.

You're all set.

Say hi to you mom's
vag*na for me.

Deuces!

Well, that was...
Kind of fun.

Remember the last time we were
at the doctor's office?

I was teaching you how to kiss,

And we got our braces
stuck together.

Yeah. Except I was the one
teaching you how to kiss.

[laughs]
you wish!

Thank you, jeena,
for being there for me

When I needed it the most.

I totally won't forget it.

Oh, my god.

Milan?

What are you doing
at the doctor?

Yeah, with her.

Jeena got an abortion!

Listen, I'm sorry.
They're gonna tell everyone.

That's why she got
so fat this semester.

I wish I could stop.

And she called you
chatty cathies.

[both gasp]

All right,
she'll be here any minute.

How'd you get her to come?

The pier's uphill
from her house.

I told her there was
a hotdog eating contest.

Well, how do I look?

Perfect! Like a hobo
with a court date.

[rumbling]
what's that?

Dongabunga's coming early.

No, it's her.
It's my gal.

[thumping]
sure you ready for this?

Got my flowers,
got my chocolates...

And a half a dozen donuts.

[sexy music plays]

♪ ♪

Duke?

Duke...It is you.

[sexy music continues]

♪ ♪

Ahh...

Cut that out, foghead.
You'll ruin your appetite.

Dios mio.

Your tongue is moving
counter-clockwise.

That can only mean
one thing.

The dongabunga's here.

Mmm.

[man and woman moaning]

Are you sure
we should go in there?

Duke said 9:00 a.M.

[crash, thud]

Everybody okay?

Ms. Teets,
I thought your bedroom

Was on the second floor.

It was.

[muffled]
I'll meet you guys down there

In four minutes.

Make it ten.
I gotta get mine.

Are you sure you can
do this, woodie?

I can do anything.

As long as I got these.

Hah! I'll take those,
el pollo choke-o.

Soon everyone'll be rubbing
my taint for good luck.

Nooooooooooooo!

[thunder rumbles]
rosary chant, rosary chant.

Rosary chant.
You can still do it, bro.

You're the best surfer,
and everybody knows it.

I lost my only chance
to get my stoke back

The minute turk stole
those magic shorts.

Those shorts ain't magic.

I bought 'em in 1980
at a piggly wiggly.

I let you think
they were special

To help get your bony ass
out on the wave.

Look, stick bug, the reason
I was a great surfer

Was because I had something
more important than shorts.

I had someone
who believed in me.

[chomping]
ruuuh!

You always had what it took
to be a champ--

The unconditional support,
friendship, and love

Of a full-figured woman.

He's right, you know.
Wait--what?

So tell us, bro,

What makes you think you can
surf the dongabunga?

I've got the skills,
got the nards,

And a secret w*apon.

[laughter}

It looks like
you're smuggling grapes!

Lonnie?
You're gonna ride too?

Naw, man.

Lost a flip flop.

There it is...
The dongabunga.

That's not the dongabunga,
pickle sack.

That is.

Aarrrhhh!
Aaaahhhh!

We're all gonna die!

We're all gonna die!

Ooh!
Whaaah!

Oh!

[rock pop]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

There's my sun.

There's mine.
You're a terrible father.

You're the best, woodie!

I couldn't have done it
without

My full-figured woman.

That's me!

Jeena, my tummy hurts,
and this suit is so tight

It won't let my farts out.

Don't be such a baby.

Speaking of babies...

Stand down, b*tches!

I mean, let's go find someone
else to make fun of.

She's boring.

You're welcome.

Ohh...I'm proud
of that kid.

Are you crying?
Ugh! You are a child.

'neeta, I know I did you
wrong in the past,

But I wanna make up
for lost time.

No.
But I love--

Get up.
You're embarrassing both of us.

Look, dukie, what you and I
have is fun and all.

The sex was...
Mmm, pretty good for one guy.

But I'm a free spirit.
You can't cage this finch.

I'll call you
if I wanna bang.

[hacks]

Thanks for
all your help, duke.

Sorry it didn't work out
with miss teets.

Ah, that's all right,
little lady.

I surfed the biggest wave,
and I rode the biggest woman.

Who was that?
The old guy from r*pe county

Who was sleeping my bed.

He had this really skimpy
pair of briefs

That he said had magic powers,
and he treated me like a girl.

Oh, again with this?

Listen, if you don't wanna
talk to me, just say so.

Well, it's great to have
everything back to normal.

Dude, check it out.

I gave the statue
a little upgrade.

I gotta admit,
it looks pretty good, bro.

Thanks.

Damn it, bruce!
Gimme back that wig!