01x02 - Stomach Pump

[bunniefuu]

I thought I was smart I thought I was

right I thought it better not to fight I

thought there was a virtue and always

being

cool cuz I'm a man not aoid and there

are things you can avoid you have to

face them when you're not prepared to

face

them I

know

me it's all time you stand up and be a

man cuz

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Episode

I

finally a chance to see how a real

medical facility operates finally a

chance to see what's in this

tissue Kleenex you never fail to

surprise

me Hey Joe you mind if I borrow a pair

of your socks no I don't want your

disgusting feet in my socks oh

okay what the I never said you could

borrow these that's why I gave them back

they like rotten

eggs there are rotten eggs in them those

are for my

arches would you like to go to the ice

cream social with

me I'm going to lose my virginity

tonight one way or

another no I don't need you

anymore

maybe I'll call you crap I'm all out of

clothes what did you do with the ones

you had I threw them down the laundry

sh**t just like I do at home that

doesn't lead to the laundry room it

leads to

the magical candy

room you know sometimes I think Joe

takes me for a complete idiot oh my God

what are these get them off get them off

you want to borrow some of my clothes

no remember what happened last time you

let me

close

a what the hell am I supposed to do I

don't have any clothes to wear yeah I

seem to be running out of clothes too

but I think that's because some jerk

keeps taking them out of the laundry

room hey if some jerk can take clothes

from the laundry room so can I so to

answer your question Miss Darvin while

we are making new medical breakthroughs

on a daily basis right now there's no

way to be certain if someone actually

has cancer or is just faking it to get

attention um excuse me I was reading the

chapters in The Textbook you recommended

we skip over and it occurred to me loser

loser loser loser anyway I

realized a little respect you

jackass I'm so sorry the radiation makes

my throat

dry

loser Dr heminger where's all the modern

equipment I read about in the textbook

if you had followed instructions you

would have skipped those chapters and

you wouldn't be behind the rest of the

class that doesn't make any sense

doesn't it I mean I'm asking you because

I'm totally lost here I took so many

painkillers this morning I can't even

think straight Dean aart barter college

is in serious trouble applications are

down 73% graduates cannot read above a

fifth grade level that's two grades down

from just three years ago I don't think

your statistics reflect the quality of

student on this fine campus

what the hell is that uh I don't know

k*ll

it gentlemen as you can clearly see from

this graph barter college is showing

significant signs of improvement that's

just a piece of poster board with an

arrow an arrow pointing up I think we

can all feel pretty good about that this

college is an embarrassment if you don't

turn this school around you'll be forced

to reside you can't fire me I have naked

pictures of your wife everyone has naked

pictures of my wife she's a p*rn star I

wouldn't say she's a

star I mean she's she's an upand

Comer all right I'll turn the college

around I don't know if we should be

taking these

clothes how does my ass look in

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these uh-oh gambled and lost that's too

bad your ass look pretty good in them

really maybe I'll keep

them

and this is the Intensive Care Unit talk

about high-tech it's even got a pinball

machine isn't every medical facility

required by law to have a cryo

thyroidotomy

kit what about a gastro duodenectomy

scope what a buzz k*ll a stethoscope a

cotton swab now he's just making stuff

up we do have ton

depressors let's go hand it over I got a

ton of sick people out

there can't believe you failed your

remedial math class it's not my fault

the teacher hates me okay I'll have one

asparagus and one asparagus and one

asparagus and one asparagus how many is

that 110

blue a crap you ruined my favorite shirt

it's brand

new that's my shirt what no it isn't I

just bought it then why is my face on

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it

oh funny

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[Applause]

story and if I ever see you in this

cafeteria again you can expect more of

the

same wa that was a close one and in this

next room you'll find the patient

check-in area where our highly trained

staff assesses symptoms and forms a

proper Medical diagnosis so Mr Horgan

how many drinks have you had this

morning um two Mr Horgan do you want

me I want you so

bad we got another one Chuck once a

diagnosis is made our staff takes the

appropriate steps to put the patient on

the road to uh not sickness fire up the

stomach

pump

I can't take the stress I need some

Tums damn I need another

quarter

Dr heminger this equipment is appalling

look at it I mean even on a stomach pump

it's standard issue to have five

combustion Chambers not three at the

very least it should have a hydraulic

intake system and if you then pressurize

the valves why you'd be able to pump

five times as many stomachs what the

hell is he talking about I don't know

but my head is going to explode make him

stop no son are you capable of

constructing what you just described I

should think so I worked at Nasa for

three summers in high school is jungle

GL a phony he seems like kind of a phony

uh I wouldn't know he was in the Senate

look I don't have time to listen to you

gossip about your co-workers like some

junior high school girl I need to

put barter College on the map if you can

build this machine I will personally see

to it that you get the best college

education money can buy you'll help me

transfer to another school why would you

want to transfer we lost another one

popsicle stick no student okay okay jeez

you're like a freaking broken record

I'll help you

transfer

and finally allow me to address a

serious issue that concerns all of you

alcohol and drug abuse wait a minute you

can't start a tour by saying and finally

I'll do what I want poy as I was saying

your children will ingest a staggering

amount of alcohol in college what dear

but we here at barter are facing this

problem headon with the Revolutionary

stomach pump 2000 the stomach pump 2000

but it's already 2002 but this is the

stomach pump 2000 he's right my kids

will be safe here it does sound

futuristic I'd like to see an Ivy League

College b*at that well Princeton just

hired Nobel Prize winner Joseph lummen

that guy's a

h*m* what it's true I know because

Joseph and I are lovers I'm sorry you

had to find out this way honey but it

seemed like the most appropriate

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time hey Sanford want to go to the

cafeteria with us I can't that girl's

waiting for me they're serving chimmy

Changas I'm so

hungry hey

Sanford Sanford are you looking at me

like I'm a chicken

again well fine Two Can Play That

Game hey this is kind of fun kind of

totally

hey can I join

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College

in we've always tried to instill our son

Bobby with good values but we failed and

now he's going to turn into a raging

alcoholic just like his stepfather

where's my dinner you and that's

why we're sending him to barter College

we can rest easy knowing he'll be

protected by the stomach pump 2000

stomach pump has not yet been invented

beautiful hey before we let you in we're

going to need to see your transcripts

Mister sir it's an actor on tape on TV

oh sorry about that

son don't want to shake hands huh get

this kid out of my office Warrior needs

food

badly I bet Joe keeps food in

there string you don't give me very much

credit do you

Joe Sanford where the hell have you two

been did you guys get me a chimmy changa

yes can I see it please actually you

can't we gave it to that bald kid Jimmy

we thought it would be funny to give

Jimmy a chimmy

changa get it Jimmy chimmy

changa I can't take this anymore I won't

be held prisoner in my own dorm room I'm

getting me a chimmy changa and nothing's

going to stand in my

way what time does the cafeteria close

in a half hour okay

cool perfect Joe you signed out the

Hall's vacuum cleaner 2 days ago oh my

God

Molly MC sucker what has he done to you

I needed a few parts what gives you the

right to sacrifice one machine for

another who are you to play God this is

for the stomach pump

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2000 yes p2k is being designed by a

freshman on my floor I'd like to see

father belittle

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that

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that's exactly how I'm going to do it 3

2 I warned you now I'm going to make you

my

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[Music]

br me I broke a bleeding tooth

wait a minute this can't be mine it's

white ow no stop please now say I'm your

I'm your your damn right you

are some guys have all the luck so do

some

Barter College

girls good news Dean heart applications

are way

up I'll be darned we already got six and

this chick sounds hot tomorrow we be

barter College's finest

hour all right let's see how this thing

works on a test subject Cindy almost

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there it's all

yours

here goes

nothing are you crazy kids I got your

ball over

here wow I actually caught

it Dean aart we can't unveil the stomach

pump tomorrow it's just not ready listen

here freshmen your whole academic career

depends on you having this pump ready by

tomorrow at 5: but it might k*ll

somebody that's the price of higher

education students die on this campus

every day why to d*ed this morning when

I was parking my

car and now for some reason she thinks

I'm her she's even making me go on

a date with her oh man do you think

you're going to do the special hug that

makes the St come oh God I would never

unless she made me unless she pinned me

down and forced me to that's how I lost

my virginity and my kidney now I can't

process

liquids oh order she could put one of

those Spanish Fly pills in your drink my

Daddy calls them mainten

mins Bethany I was on my way but I had

to that's one and I don't count to two

me neither now get that sweet ass of

yours in gear I'm hungry and not for

food if you catch my

drift where is

he I a girl who swims like a fish heyyyy

Sailors caught her and made her a dish

heyyy

low you're late let's see the

goods now you show me the

goods so all you have to do is light the

bag on fire ring the doorbell and

run it's

perfect

it works from now on the name joot Tate

will be synonymous with alcohol

poisoning what

the

a

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good people of barter College honored

guests weird religious guy in Rainbow

wig thank you all for coming on this

very special occasion show us the

stomach pump oh the stomach pump will be

here very

shortly in the meantime please enjoy

some free punch and our clown Mr Clowny

who is making balloon

vegetables here you go a green bean damn

it I asked for a

cucumber oh oh now I

go here you can wash it down with this

drink

up or she could put one of those Spanish

Fly pills in your drink I said drink up

sweet

cheeks oops oh jeez I've spilled the

whole drink let's go back to mine Place

why you know why the way you're dressed

shaking that money maker there isn't a

court in the land that would convict me

for what I'm about to do to

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you where the hell have you been I did

it I've pumped 12 quarts of alcohol from

a dozen chimps and one Amish kid the

stomach pump is fully

operational well I don't get it either

it feels like ice but it looks like a

unicorn let's not question it let's just

enoy enjoy it I'm getting

wet so if it takes alcoholism to bring

this day to barter College then I say

God bless

alcoholism fighting will only make it

worse for you and better for

me so without further Ado I present to

you the dean airheart stomach pump

2000 out stand the what she's my

creation and you have the audacity to

call her the dean airheart son pump no

it's the dean aart stomach pump

[Applause]

2000 I'll show

[Applause]

him now it's the dean aart stomach pump

2000 let's see it work well we're going

to need somebody who's hopelessly

drunk what about that

guy

yeah he's got to be hammered look at his

date good God you're right she's a beast

get that poor bastard up

here but wait I'm not drunk get your own

piece of ass that one's

mine I mean I am so

wasted hook this boy

up ladies and gentlemen you about to

witness stomach pump history

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oh my God it's pumping the wrong

way

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outstanding oh my God I'm covered in

alcohol and B it it's Father's Day all

over

again for God's sake protect the Unicorn

it's the last one on

Earth we'd like to talk to you someplace

where it's not raining vomit please let

it be Benin please let it be Benin it's

not benan

oh hey there hot stuff did I ever tell

you how beautiful you are no well you

are let's get out of

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[Applause]

here