01x03 - New Friends

[bunniefuu]

I thought I was smart I thought I was

right I thought it better not to fight I

thought there was a virtue and always

being

cool cuz I'm a man not aoid and there

are things you can avoid you have to

face them when you're not prepared to

face

[Music]

them

me all time you stand up for me

man cuz

[Music]

[Music]

Spaghetti

I dude you didn't have to wait I told

you I'd meet you inside I know I didn't

want to go in

alone spaghetti what kind of breakfast

is that it's dinner but your clock on

the wall said it was 9:00 a.m. there's

no clock on the wall sure there is the

one that's melted that's a Salvador

Dolly painting you then what was

the ringing noise we heard I don't know

the telephone then how come when I tried

to answer it all I heard was ticking

because that was the clock but you just

said the clock was a

painting

[Music]

spaghetti my Daddy calls it eating

string this place is awesome I can't

believe all this food is free no doubt

it's like we're in prison or

[Music]

something

I don't think there's any place to sit

sure there is we can sit right there

well we don't even know those guys this

is how you make friends dell watch and

learn what's up dudes you guys go to

college too we go to barter we all go to

barter

sweet I'm Sanford the lady from our high

school said we'd fit in at this college

then she got arrested for dating a fifth

grader did she go to

jail there was a

trial and uh he tells it

better I don't know if she went to jail

but it would be cool to be that little

kid aren't you concerned about hardened

arteries oh yeah I'm going to have the

hardest damn AR Aries they're going to

kick

ass God

unbelievable Hey I just heard a funny

joke what's the capital of Thailand do

you want to fight

Bangkok That's a classic dude you walked

right into that

one nice meeting you dudes wow you're

like Mr popular or something a my

spaghetti's

dirty toward the end of the Cold w*r

gorbachov had implemented his policies

of perista and glasnost which marked a

period of openness between the two

superpowers

uh-oh jump on the back of the

shark

sweet now who can tell me what led to

the breakup of the Soviet Union Rebecca

socialism could no longer sustain itself

in the face of Global Market forces yes

that's one of the reasons anyone

else

Sanford uh what was the question can you

tell us why the Soviet Union broke

up um their drummer

d*ed nice job Einstein you know the

amazing part I was just

guessing man am I hungry well we should

get to the cafeteria before they run out

of bread again my hands are still

blistered from that grilled cheese I

can't go dude I got switched to a new

fizzed class hit one crybaby with a

folding chair and suddenly I'm the guy

who doesn't know how to wrestle but then

who am I going to go to lunch with I

don't know I had to bring this beef

jerky to tide me

over a what a ripoff that guy sold me a

pencil well wouldn't be the first time I

ate a number two though last time I won

a dollar

come on Dell be

brave what's the Worst That Could

[Music]

[Applause]

Happen good afternoon everyone welcome

to Special Ed fiz Ed wait a second this

is special

ed um Professor Larry's bag came up

again

I'm going to kick so much ass here it's

sick um Joe you want to go to the

cafeteria with me H interesting no one's

ever asked me that before but no I'll be

transferring out of here soon so

although it was nice of you to ask any

social gesture on my part would be

pointless what was the question dude I'm

open pass it

here

foul thanks for letting me eat here Todd

sure I used to be afraid of the

cafeteria too I didn't have any friends

when I was a freshman but now that I'm

an RA I have 40 friends actually if you

count my figurines it's more like

56 then there's my Star Wars pillow case

oh 62 I didn't used to count Darth Vader

but then in the third movie oh and

there's the creek in the door which is

kind of like an old friend I call it

doron's

Creek come on Dell be out going be like

Sanford is the seat open sure thing

buddy the whole table's open we would

just leave it

what is someone sitting here no have

great we need these two

chairs oh this is a disaster hi a

stranger mind if we join you no I I mean

yes um

sure do you guys go to college too of

course we do silly bones hey aren't you

the one who's always hanging around that

other guy you know the big guy oh yeah

that's Sanford everyone knows Sanford

he's like like Mr popular that guy's a

douchebag what yeah he is I don't like

to use that word but he is a douchebag

yeah he is total douchebag he's a

douchebag E I didn't see they had

[Music]

Tacos del check it out crippled Steve

left his wheelchair outside the showers

he probably needs that hey look at me

I'm a

[Music]

quadruplet

what's wrong with you this is hilarious

this is even better than the last time I

stole a wheelchair I guess

so hey Dell what's going on I'm just

watching sford roll up and down the

hallway what are you doing I'm heading

over to the student newspaper we're

starting layout tonight want to

come get out of my parking spot you

bastards

okay hey where are you guys going wait

up oh my God God Sandford's a

Dell

pargal oh we have a visitor welcome

welcome well I'm Dell you probably don't

remember me we ate lunch together a few

hours ago of course we remember you

goofy Gus I can't believe you guys put

together a whole newspaper how do you

come up with all those ideas it's a team

effort right now we're helping Barry

come up with a headline about death on

campus death on campus what did you say

uh death on campus I was just oh my God

that's brilliant death on campus that

one had Barry stomped for days I was not

stumped don't tell him I was stumped wow

you're good he can't come up with

headlines maybe after he's worked on the

school newspaper for 3 years or w a

student piter for his daring expose on

Library hours oh Barry take a chill pill

we have a

library oh my God that so sacal it's a

commentary on how the library is almost

never open great job delzer oh my God I

just called him delzer that's so funny

isn't that

funny who's delzer that's like the

coolest nickname I had a nickname once

in high school they called me pillow

butt that's so you I

know hey who was that president with the

beard and the top hat Abraham Lincoln no

this guy gave a really important speech

about sl*very or something it's Lincoln

you Lincoln delivered the

Gettysburg Address you're thinking of

someone else the guy I'm talking about

was involved in a big w*r the Civil w*r

how stupid can you un Sam that's it

Uncle Sam thanks man no problem I'm kind

of a history buff all right that's

enough education for one day let's go

eat I can't my new friends invited me to

go see a feminist comedian you what why

don't you come with us you're always

saying we should try new things go on

adventures drive around in a van and

solve Mysteries that's different those

are all my ideas this is your idea and

that sounds pretty selfish to me you go

ahead though maybe I'll meet you there

Abraham Lincoln does this refresh your

memory dude are you trying to bribe me

cuz I can't be

bought all right what do I have to eat I

don't know I think you guys would like

Sanford H maybe we were thinking of a

different person this guy was gross and

weird looking no that sounds like him

but he's a good guy we met in high

school we used to get b*at up together

by the same g*ng in high school I was on

the yearbook staff well that was the

g*ng sh you guys are making too much

racket can't hear my book on

tape now I have to

rewind are you there God it's me

Margaret where's that voice coming from

oh

Todd

delzer and for extra credit I want you

to translate this ancient Greek Treatise

on human anatomy into Latin sweet

somebody congratulate me I just gave

birth to a 6B 4 o baby boy don't you

want to know what I named him no brownie

brownie Von turme III and he's got his

father's hair that's almost as funny as

yesterday's brownie Von turd Meister II

yeah but this is funny for different

reasons Dell would have thought it was

funny yeah well Dell's an imbecile nah

it was probably just over your

head I'm bored

oh my God is Joe wearing a dress in that

picture oh this is too good to keep to

myself tell a crap hey Todd check out

this picture of Joe and a dress oh I get

it Todd was born with both male and

female reproductive

organs you know how on airplanes they

give you that little bag of peanuts what

I can't figure out is how come men are

Neanderthals who have been oppressing

women since the dawn of

time wow he's great look at this guy in

the front row he's like not me not me

this guy's got rapists written all over

him you don't got me good of course I

was asking for a chin in the front

[Music]

row oh my God what kind of monster would

wear such a horrible

garment hey dude I made it you've worn

the same shirt every day for as long as

I've known you why' you have to change

into that one tonight no problem if you

don't like it I'll take it

off how insensitive Sanford this is not

cool and it's not even true they're fat

girls look at Becky you tell him delzer

fine if it means that much to you I'll

take this one off

too there is no g*n please put that

offensive shirt back on let's get out of

here this is the last feminist comedy

night I invite you to Barry wait up oh

yeah well maybe this is the last

feminist comedy night you ever invite me

to swish I'll find some new friends

too those are

fake this is stupid where do people go

to find new friends the dorm H there's

usually some dudes in the shower maybe

I'll start hanging out

there

[Music]

hey dudes dude your leg is awesome can

you guys take me to the hospital I think

I need some medicine oh man we were kind

of on our way to a movie at the drivein

is Wesley stripes in it no Arnold

Schwarz look guy we got to get going if

we're going to snag that parking spot by

the women's bathroom can I come with you

guys you got any money well I have the

shirt that's clever it really says

something you know something about fat

girls all right come on we'll sneak you

in the

trunk

thanks I'm

s hey a road flare

cool oh no that's not good ow ow a fire

extinguisher

uh-oh dudes tell me when I need to be

quiet until then I'm going to work on my

wraps zered in the chis

[Music]

boy dude this dude is all like dude say

no

[Music]

more Are We There

Becky

Yet hey Becky thanks for tutoring me

this past week it's really pain off one

Professor actually handed back my quiz

instead of throwing it at my head my

pleasure D I think you'll find that

success breeds success my uncle breeds

rabbits hey who's that guy in the dress

that's the dean you PUD the doser called

it a

[Laughter]

dress oopsie I just baked an air muffin

D Swanson you are outrageous with a

capital O and there's nothing I like

more than a Big O

then you must love that Hollywood sign I

prefer the Washington

Monument I've seen it looks nothing like

him he's not funny why are you guys

laughing that's just stupid oh Barry go

egg Hey Barry what's the capital of

Thailand hey guys grab me a Zagnut or

some Bon

bonss you should have seen me just now

now in the cafeteria I walked right up

to the most crowded table and sat down

not

interested I just wish sford were here

to see how well I'm doing when he's not

here ah when is this movie going to

start you haven't had any food in days

here eat this it's not an oily rag it's

a piece of

lasagna the don't do it boo it's a trick

he got you to eat the tire and we all

know how that ended shut it

leprechaun

[Music]

sweet the bathroom is for customers

only well don't worry son a lot of

people lead normal lives with only one

testicle how'd this happen anyway well

someone asked me what the capital of

Thailand was and I said

Bangkok sorry I couldn't help myself oh

That's a classic so I uh I guess we

better have a look at then hope you're

hungry for popcorn I busted out the

movie theater style remember when you

had to go all the way to the movie

theater to get movie theater style

popcorn it's almost like we're living in

the future or in a movie theater Becky

is so awesome she's really great don't

you think I guess she has such a good

sense of humor she's smart and

reasonable attractive Becky's awesome

don't you think Becky's awesome are you

still

talking oh my God I forgot my student ID

at the library I better go get it you

can start the movie without

me I don't know how to say this but I

think Janice likes you now D Swanson

can't you ever be

serious I need your help with a headline

Mr Wordsmith the story is about girl she

falls in love with this super guy but

she isn't sure if he feels the same way

about her does this story have any

nudity in it she wants to tell this guy

how she feels but she's

afraid so tell me does a story have a

happy ending write me a headline D

Swanson I'll write you a headline Dell

Swanson unib baller kills campus wit

Barry I don't get it what's a unib

baller that's me I had to have one of my

testicles removed because of your stupid

Bangkok joke first you steal my

headlines then my testicle and then my

girl I can't believe I have two men

fighting over me well actually one and a

half I guess I lost my

gift I had a hell of a run Barry is this

true what you say yes I love you I've

always loved you no silly bones I mean

about your

goad

[Music]

d

d Sanford dude help me open the

trunk man am I glad to see you yeah I'm

glad to see you too and your Coke give

me

that what are you doing in there we're

sneaking into a drive-in movie want to

come with us

sure you're not going to believe what

I've been through lately some chick

tried to kiss me dude you scored without

me not really well I guess so sort of

that's awesome you're the first one of

us to score in college you're like Mr

popular yeah I'm Mr

popular