01x02 - No T.V.

[bunniefuu]

- Shh!

[playful suspenseful music]

I think we're safe.

♪

- Clarissa! Come in here, please.

- Mom has declared no TV for a week

so the Darlings can spend some quality time together.

Togetherness is Mom's new kick.

I wouldn't mind having to be together

so much if we didn't have to be together while we're doing it.

Know what I mean?

- Clarissa, we're waiting.

- I think it was Karl Marx who said

that religion is the opiate of the people.

Makes you wonder what Karl would have thought of TV.

Kind of the potato chips of the people.

Well, you know, considering all the stuff out there,

potatoesdohave some nutritional value.

- Hey, baloney breath.

If I've got to sit in there, so do you.

What are you doing out here?

- Don't worry, pimplehead. I'll be there in a minute.

- I tried to reason with her, Mom.

[theme from "Jaws" playing]

- I don't think TV's all that bad,

if you get to watch your show

and you've got the remote control.

It's not like there's a lot to watch on TV.

It's just that, well, you want to turn it on now and then

just to be sure there's still nothing good on.

TV or not TV, that is the question.

- Come on, sport, we're all waiting.

- Okay, Dad.

Doesn't this look like fun?

[upbeat music]

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♪ All right, All right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

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♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

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♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

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♪ Just do it

♪

- Are we having fun yet?

- Marshall, dear, could you hand me the scissors?

- Sure, honey.

- Okay, here's what's been happening.

It's friday night.

We've been sitting here since :.

Dad's designing a new store in the shape of a pickle.

It's a drive-in place for sweet-and-sour pickle lovers.

Mom's making a home library,

complete with card catalog,

Dewey Decimal System and everything.

This way, we'll get due dates

and have to pay fines at home now, too.

And wad breath is pretending he can read.

[beeping, screeching]

And me, I'm doing absolutely nothing in protest.

It's a great way to make parents suffer.

- Come on, guys.

There must be something we can talk about.

- Yeah.

Well...

[introspective music]

♪

- Oh, uh,

here's a funny thing that happened to me the other day.

You know The Clotheshorse?

Uh, down at Willow Mall?

- Uh-huh. - Well, I saw this sweater

that they had on sale,

and I could swear, it looked familiar.

And then it came to me. I had seen it before.

- Really? - Yes.

It's exactly the same sweater

that Bill Cosby wears on "The Cosby Show."

Remember the purple one?

- Oh, was that the sweater in the episode

where Theo tried to wear his dad's clothes for a date?

- Yes, that's it. - I remember that episode.

And the sweater got ripped in the car door.

- That's right. - Yeah.

Theo got in trouble.

[laughter]

- That was so funny.

You remember...? [laughing]

- Ahem. [thunder roars]

- I guess it really wasn't that funny.

I mean, after all, it was just a television show.

- You're probably wondering how the Darling family

got into this sorry state.

It began long ago, far away.

[dramatic music]

♪

Since time began,

there have been two warring tribes

fighting for control of the TV.

- [babbling]

- Come on down!

- Hey! I was watching that.

- Tough darts. I've got the remote.

- Give me that.

Then, one day,

I sent away to the Egghead Scientific Company

to buy the Acme All-Purpose

High-Frequency Universal Learning Remote Control Kit.

- Here's your package, young lady.

With that little baby,

I could change channels at Kennedy Space Center

miles away.

[channels changing]

- Come on down!

- But I knew things would escalate.

It wasn't long before w*r was declared.

♪

- [distorted] That's it. No more TV.

- Just as I was getting the upper hand too.

- Dear, do we have any more rubber cement?

- I'll get some.

- Is it just me

or is this too much fun?

[upbeat music]

♪

[door squeaking]

Time sure flies when you're having fun.

- Mom, I just want you to know,

no matter how difficult it is

to stop our television addiction,

I couldn't agree with you more.

- Why, thank you, Ferguson.

I'm sure this whole experience will be character-building

for all of us.

- Mom, that's exactly why I've brought my books

down here to read.

- That's wonderful, Ferguson. What are you reading?

- Well, currently, I'm reading the annotated exegesis

of the quest for space travel for the popular media.

- That sounds fascinating.

- Mom, that's the complete episodes of "Star Trek,"

you know, the TV series.

- Boogerface squealer.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Darling residence. Ferguson here.

Ick. It's Jody.

- Jody? Hi.

Oh, just hanging out.

No, I didn't see that movie.

No. I missed it.

No, I'm not watching TV.

What do you mean, what am I watching?

I'm not watching anything.

No, there's nothing to watch.

Well, I don't understand what you're saying, either.

Goodbye.

- Who was that on the phone, dear?

- Oh, it was the Nielsen Company.

They wanted us to be a Nielsen family.

You know, the Nielsen ratings.

- Funny.

- Mom, don't you realize that if I don't watch TV,

I won't be able to keep up

with the cultural level of my peers?

- Clarissa, you know there's nothing on TV

but an endless stream of the same sitcoms,

game shows, and commercials.

- That's what I mean.

Where else can I experience

the vast wasteland that we call the th century?

Where else can I get chewing gum for my eyes,

and what about... Johnny Depp?

[romantic musical flourish]

- I think we can live without Johnny Depp for a week.

- I can't imagine a moment without Johnny Depp.

[rousing music]

♪

- I've got it. Let's play charades.

- What a wonderful idea.

- I've got one. - Oh, good.

- Okay.

- Um... - What?

- What is it? - Oh, I can't believe this.

- It's a book? It's four words.

- Uh... - It's too embarrassing.

I can't let you see it.

[rock music]

[theme from "Jaws" playing]

♪

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

- What's up?

- Watching TV.

- Uh, Clarissa,

I hate to tell you, but there's no TV set there.

- I know. I'm trying to see if there's a difference

between staring into empty space

and watching TV.

- Is there?

- Yeah. No breaks for commercials.

- So what happened to your TV?

- I had to turn it in.

Mom's still on her "no TV" crusade.

- Bummer. Maybe you should come over to my house.

- I can't.

Mom's just decided that we have to be a family together.

Why can't we be a family apart, like normal people?

- I hate it when parents talk about togetherness.

It always means you got to do stuff they want.

- Yeah.

- My Dad's trying to spend quality time with me too.

We watch the sports network now all the time.

I'm supposed to explain those skateboard segments.

Is a stalefish McTwist a ramp trick or a lip grind?

- I thought it was a character in "Back to the Future III"?

- Got to bone up on my skate rep before I watch tonight.

- I'd give anything to watch TV again.

I'd even watch this old house with Dad.

- Hey, it's kind of funny that you're here

dying to watch TV and your family won't let you,

and here I am stuck watching TV with my dad.

- Yeah. Real funny.

I hope you and your dad have a beautiful thing together.

- I'm splitting if you're going to be like that.

- Sorry. This "no TV" thing's got me a little on the edge.

- Just got to chill out.

Try some new software or something.

At least that way you can look at the computer monitor.

It's late. I better be getting home.

- I'm sorry, Sam.

You're right. I've got to lighten up.

Hey, Sam, would you do mea favor?

- Sure.

- Watch tonight's episode of "The Simpsons" for me.

I don't want to look stupid at school.

- Okay. - Oh, yeah, and Sam,

tell me what happens to DJ on "Full House."

- Okay.

- Oh, hey, Sam, flip the channels around once for me.

There's got to be some way I can watch TV.

Wait a second.

Hmm.

I wonder if the cable box downstairs has enough power.

[playful suspenseful music]

♪

[stumbling]

- Ow, oh, ah. - Ow, ah.

- [groans]

- Honey. Oh... uh, oh.

I was going to pick up the new "Architect's World."

- Clarissa!

- Mom, I'd like to hang out and chat,

but I've got to get some sleep.

I'm a wreck.

- Uh-huh.

[upbeat music]

♪ All right, all right ♪

[upbeat music]

♪

- Hey, watch out.

[belch]

Whoa, Elvis. Tsunami alert.

[giggles] What's with the outfit?

- It's my new look.

- Really rad. - Thanks.

Dad and I are getting into this surf-punk thing.

I bought him a surfing towel

with little board and babes on it.

He loves it. - Totally tubular.

Did you get me the scanner?

- Yeah. Here it is.

Do you really think you'll be able to get

TV reception with this thing?

- At this point,

a test pattern would be great.

I should pick up something. - Guess what.

Dad's taking me to Malibu for a long weekend.

We're going to do some real surfing,

no more sidewalk stuff.

- Malibu? I can see it now.

Surf's up at sunrise.

You and your dad are waxed and ready to ride.

You're sh**ting the curls.

Then suddenly, the wave shifts.

Your board tilts and--crash!

It's a seaweed sandwich in your face.

Could you hand me that apron cable?

- Hey, that's not the way it's going to happen.

- Sam, let me ask you one thing, do you know how to surf?

- Not exactly.

- Does your dad know how to surf?

- No, but I promised I'd teach him.

- Two seaweed sandwiches coming up.

- Look, I've got this

"How to Surf the Great Kahuna" book.

- Do you really think you can learn how to surf

without getting wet?

- I'm good at skateboarding.

How different could it be?

So what's all this stuff for?

I'm turning my computer into a TV

with my new Captain Video's

Home Broadcasting and Reception Software.

Here. I'll show you.

[-bit heroic music]

Once we hook up the mini-dish antenna,

we'll be able to receive signals

from anywhere in the world.

Pretty neat, huh? - Yeah,

but you don't have a TV set.

- That's where the scanning digitizer comes in.

It'll digitize a signal

and put an image on my computer.

- Whoa.

Now, all we have to do is get you on the roof.

- Excuse me?

- Where else are we going to hook up this mini-dish antenna?

- Why do I even ask why?

- It'll be good for your surfing.

You can practice hanging on the edge of the roof.

Please?

- [sighs] Okay.

But last time when I went up on your roof,

I got stuck in the weather vane.

I pointed west for three hours

when your mom called you to dinner.

- That's why this time I rigged up a pulley

so you can let yourself back down.

- Totally gnarly!

Catch you later, dude.

- Sam, are you okay?

- Whoa! I can see my house from here.

- Okay, I'll meet you downstairs.

Now, if only I could figure out

how to hook this power booster pack

to the TV downstairs.

[knock on door]

- Clarissa?

We've already started lunch.

Gee, mom. Okay.

Now, young lady. [thunder roars]

- Who was that angry woman,

my mom or Attila the Hun?

[playful music]

♪

Mom, I was thinking...

Maybe I'll join a radical feminist folk-singing group.

- That's nice, Clarissa.

- Or maybe I'll join a fanatic religious cult

where you have to shave your head,

paint it red, and worship lima beans.

- That's nice, dear.

- Or maybe I'll eat a jar or two of mayonnaise,

five or six jars of pickled tomatoes,

some baking soda, maybe a box of cake mix,

and just puke until I pass out.

- That sounds interesting.

- Or maybe I'll just go and watch some TV.

- Freeze.

Forget it, Clarissa.

- It was worth a try.

Okay, I think it's time for a special report.

Here are some amazing things people do

when they can't watch TV.

[playful music]

Dad has spent the morning

fixing things that weren't broken to begin with.

Mom has reached new heights

in the organic culinary pantheon.

♪

She's getting cranky and no one knows why.

Too much granola?

And a sleeping Ferguson has made the shape

of a perfect whale from his drool.

Is it time for "Bugs and Friends?"

- [whispers] No TV.

- Oh, no.

- I'm still working on the silent treatment.

The question of the moment-- is this fun or what?

[telephone rings]

- Hello, Darling residence. Ferguson Darling here.

[groans]

It's for you, Dad.

- Oh.

Hello?

Hey, Jack.

No. Uh-uh.

Really? Sure.

Uh, fourth quarter? Sure.

It's tied? Really?

Mm. No, no, no.

I'll turn it on right now. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

- Uh, honey?

- I'll be in the living room.

Oh.

- Yes! - Yeah!

- Uh, dear, what are you doing?

- Ah, it's the Lakers and the Knicks.

It's the last three minutes of the quarter.

- I think you're forgetting something.

- Half-time TV snacks. - Ah, now that's a good idea.

- No, that's a bad idea.

- It is?

- Marshall Darling, no one,

not one of us in this house is watching TV.

- Oh. Right.

I forgot. No TV.

Did you hear that, kids? No TV.

Now, that's a rule.

[whispering] Of all the games to miss.

I can't believe it.

- Hi, Sam.

Welcome to the Darlings-- one big, happy family.

- Hey, look. It's a surfing geek.

- Hello, Samuel.

- Hello, Mrs. Darling.

- Why don't you sit down and join us?

- Thank you, Mrs. Darling.

[playful music]

- So, how are you and your dad doing?

[synthesizer pitch rises]

- Fine.

[synthesizer pitch lowers]

- So... what's new?

[synthesizer pitch rises]

- Dad and I are getting matching "Big Kahuna" tattoos.

[synthesizer pitch lowers]

- Oh.

That's nice.

- Hey, Mom, can I watch TV now?

- It's been a whole day.

- Clarissa, please.

- Come on, Mom, don't you wish

you were watching television, too?

- Clarissa Marie Darling,

I have no desire to ever watch TV again.

- Mom, don't you wish you were curled up

in a cozy comforter with a warm cup of hot chocolate,

watching a wonderful, old, grainy, black-and-white movie.

Something with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman,

say, "Casablanca?"

- "Casablanca?"

Oh, I love that movie.

Remember, Marshall, when we used to watch TV

at your parents' while they were away?

- Janet, this is the sort of thing--

- We'd turn the lights down low,

and you'd pretend you were Humphrey Bogart,

and I'd be Ingrid Bergman.

But, Rick, what about us?

- Well, I'm no good at being noble,

but it doesn't take much to see

that the problems of three little people

don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

- Oh, Rick.

- Here's looking at you, kid.

[rousing music]

♪

Janet? Janet!

Get a hold of yourself.

- Rick. - What?

- I mean Marshall.

Oh! I don't know what came over me.

Oh. - Whoa.

Phew.[laughs]

Let's all calm down, huh? Yeah, right?

Why don't we play a nice, relaxing game of charades?

- Oh, yes.

- Clarissa, let's get out of here.

- Wait. Don't worry. I've got a great idea.

I've got a charade. - Really, Clarissa?

You've never wanted to play before.

- Well, this is a special charade.

Okay, here it goes. - "Night of the Living Dead."

- I haven't started yet, pinhead.

- Guess it was just the way you looked.

- Okay, here goes.

- Hey. No props.

- I told you, this is a special charade.

- No talking, either.

- Ferguson, you got to give your sister a chance,

all right ? [laughs]

- Three words. - First word...

- Box, channel...

- TV, TV. Broken TV.

both: Third word.

- Uh, man.

Husky person.

- Man! - Man.

both: Second word.

- Repairman.

- TV repairman. I got it. - All right.

- You win.

Gee, ferguson, you're so smart.

- Of course I am.

- Can't you guys think of anything but TV?

[playful music]

♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

- Hey, what's with your mom?

- Something weird's going on. I mean, she likes TV, too.

She grew up on TV,

you know, when "Laugh-In" wasn't a rerun.

- Yeah, you'd think she'd want to watch it too.

- I admire her self-control,

but she's really getting touchy.

Here's the weird thing.

I caught her spraying aerosol air freshener

in the kitchen this morning.

- So?

- Aerosol's practically against her religion.

I don't get it.

- Weird.

- You know, Mom's not all wrong.

Did you know that on the average day,

kids watch / hours of TV?

- /? I'm not watching enough.

- And did you know in that / hours,

they see five beer or wine commercials,

acts of v*olence, and sexual references?

- Whoa! I must be watching the wrong channels.

- You have to admit that most of our TV

would insult a -year-old.

- I guess it's lucky we're both old enough.

Otherwise, we'd never enjoy it.

Come on. Let's turn it on.

Okay, Sam. It's showtime.

[man speaking on computer]

- There must be some way to tune that in better.

- Let's see.

If i adjust the pixel resolution...

- Wait a second. I think I see something.

What is that?

- Looks like some kind of shopping show.

Isn't that Russian writing?

- Isn't that a potato?

[man speaking Russian]

Let's try another channel.

- It's the same on every channel.

All this work just to watch

the shopping channel in Russian.

- Wait a second.

I think it's kind of cool.

[buzz, expl*si*n]

what was that?

- Uh-oh. It sounded like something downstairs.

The cable booster must have overloaded.

Let's go.

I didn't do anything.

- I don't know what happened. I just turned on the TV...

- Are you okay? - I think so...

- Marshall, darling, what are you holding in your hand?

You were turning on the TV.

- Well, I, uh...

When did you start smoking again?

- Wow, Mom! I didn't know you smoked.

That's so weird.

- Well, I needed something to calm my nerves.

You guys were driving me crazy.

- What happened to the television?

Clarissa! Hold it for one minute.

What is this doing here?

- Well, you see,

I got this great Captain Video's computer software.

I was just trying it out.

- You hooked up your own TV?

- Not really. My computer, actually,

just sort of short-waved to the soviet shopping channel.

Could I interest anyone on a deal in a Ukrainian potato?

- Yes! Yes! Yes!

I won! I won!

I won! It was awesome!

I just broke to the top level of mega man !

And kapow!

There was this incredible expl*si*n!

I got the highest score ever.

These games are really realistic.

Gee, Mom, I didn't know you smoked.

That's so weird.

Yah.

- Well, the TV's in the repair shop

along with my computer and Ferghead's game pack.

So now it's no TV for real.

Oh, yeah, and Mom's thrown away her secret stash of cigarettes.

It turns out she used to smoke in high school.

Gross me out.

I guess it goes to show you that what you don't know

about your parents,

you really don't want to know.

- Clarissa, we've started.

- Coming.

[laughter]

- I've got one.

- All right. - Good.

Sweltering.

- Hot. - Sweating.

- Summer. Summer?

Oh, summer. - Uh...

- Surfing? - Surfing?

- Long hot summer?

- Whoo!

- I think it was the famous mime Marcel Marceau who said,

"The family that plays charades together

"stays together."

Donna Summer? - What? What?

- Hey, we got to do something till the TV gets fixed.

[overlapping chatter]

- Endless summer! Yeah.

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na...