02x01 - Clarissa's Crush

[bunniefuu]

- Rainstorms are so romantic,

and if you're well-prepared, you could stay totally dry

while enjoying one of nature's most awe-inspiring spectacles.

Just pay attention to your local weatherman.

Okay, so he goofed.

Even weathermen make mistakes.

That's part of their charm--

that and their dimples.

[dreamy music]

I mean, it's not like the weather is something

we can actually control.

Weather is--

weather is bigger than us,

kind of like that other great force of nature--

you know what I'm talking about, the L word,

and I don't mean lima beans.

Okay, love.

There, I said it.

And as with all changing weather systems,

the signs are pretty clear to the trained eye.

First, excess precipitation on the palms...

[boinging]

Then clouds, mostly on the brain.

You know those cumulus, nebulosus, poufy things

that make it hard for you to think straight?

[harp glissando]

What was I saying? Oh, right.

Finally and most significantly,

we come to the tell-all warning signal--

aurora borealis of the heart.

[heartbeat thumping]

[fireworks exploding]

The forecast?

No, it's not Hurricane Ira.

Looks like a major crush has reared its ugly head,

and I'm the one who's got it...

[thunder booming]

Bad.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

- With this new computerized digital barometer,

I'm able to chart the weather right alongside Flip.

You know, Flip Fontana,

the coolest weatherman ever to hit the airwaves.

I never used to care about record highs and lows,

but now I'm a weather wimp.

How did I get to this sorry state?

I've had my share of crushes before.

Long ago, there was Roquefort,

a deep thinker trapped in the body of a teddy bear.

Then there was Chester,

the puppy in the widow at Pete's Pets.

Chester was playful, adorable,

and drooled only slightly more than your average guy.

I never did get to take him home with me.

Then, of course, there was Elvis.

Elvis was so much more

than your ordinary security alligator.

Too bad he finally grew as big as he looked in the catalog.

Mom and Dad made me send him back to Florida.

But now I've taken the first big step.

I've fallen in love with an actual human being.

The choice wasn't easy.

Let's take a look at some

of the potential crushes out there.

First there's Bill E.

He says he knows how to give a gal

the best date of her life.

- First we'd go hear a hip-hop, happening, rocking band,

then on to candlelight midnight munchies.

Rad, man.

- [sighs] Rad me out.

Next is Dirk.

He claims to be the biggest jock

at Thomas Tupper Junior High.

- Well, uh...

uh...what was the question?

- Dirk's vocabulary is kind of limited.

Next up is Flip.

He's waiting to meet that special someone

to share his passion for the weather.

- Check it out.

The barometer's falling,

and the humidity is at a record-breaking high today.

[dreamy music]

- Why did he have to do that?

I can't stand it when he says "humidity."

With all those potential crushes,

I have to choose him.

Why Flip? Why now? Why me?

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam. [twangy guitar chord]

- Hi, Clarissa.

Thanks for letting me borrow your algebra notes.

- Anytime.

- But are we supposed to memorize

all this stuff for the quiz too?

- That's the new new math.

- What kind of equation

is C.D. plus F.F. equals true love forever?

- I guess I just really like algebra.

- That's new.

- Okay, I have a crush, all right?

I can't believe I actually doodled cupid hearts.

- Who's F.F.?

- Flip Fontana.

- You mean the weatherman on Channel ?

- I know.

- You have a crush on a guy whose coworkers

are Smiley Sunshine and Mr. Grumpy Cloud?

- Stop, Sam.

I feel bad enoughalready.

You've got help me before this crush

turns me into a blithering idiot.

Sam, I need a cure.

- There are no cures, only distractions.

Hey, why don't you try memorizing the phone book?

That's distracting.

- I already did.

Do you know there are Barry Browns

in the phone book?

Do you think they're all related?

- Maybe it's just one guy with a lot of car phones.

- Sam, you've got to help me take a stand

against the slings and arrows of outrageous crushdom.

- I know. Why don't you go with it?

- Go with what?

- The way I see it, love is a roller coaster.

- You mean it makes you barf?

- No, I mean once you get to the top,

the only thing you can do is come down.

- That's really profound, Sam.

- Hey, do you want to get off the roller coaster of love

or not?

- Okay, then, all the way to the top.

- Ferguson, could you please pass

the tofu-string bean goulash?

- Certainly, Mom.

I can't wait to share so scintillating a meal.

- Mmm. Tastes...healthy.

- Uh, whoops.

I got to go. I'll be right back.

- Clarissa, you just sat down.

- I can't miss Flip's three-second weather promo

at the top of the newscast.

- Weather promo?

- I never knew she had such an interest in the weather.

- Yes, and on television.

I've always found print to be a much more reliable medium.

- That shows very good judgment, Ferguson.

- Of course, to do a full comparison,

I'd need a television in my room.

[harp glissando]

- How's the weather, sport?

- Flip said it's gonna be partly cloudy tomorrow

while today was partly sunny.

More details later.

- Partly sunny and partly cloudy.

What's the difference?

- You'd never understand weather's subtleties.

- You know, that reminds me

of my days in the Peace Corps.

Each day, we'd ask,

"Is the glass half-full or half-empty?"

- I still say that if it's partly sunny,

it's therefore partly cloudy.

- Flip says we have to take the time

to experience the weather all around us.

- Do I know this Flip fellow?

- He's the weatherman on Channel , Mom.

- Oh. - Mm.

You studying the weather, sport?

- It happens to be a very relevant topic

in all our lives,

what with the ozone situation and acid rain.

Weather is a powerful force, and we are all at its mercy.

As goes the weather, so goes the nation,

and so shall we thrive or perish!

- Whoa, whoa, okay, all right. Relax, Clarissa.

Don't you think you're getting a little carried away?

- Dad, we spend our lives

in little climate-controlled environments,

sealed off from the elements.

- I wish we could be sealed off from our siblings.

- Listen, why don't we take advantage of this warm spell

and go up to Mount Winnemucca?

- What a great idea, Marshall.

We'll have a picnic at the peak.

- I'll call the National Weather Bureau

to get a site-specific forecast so we'll know how to dress.

See, isn't it cool how the weather impacts

every aspect of our lives?

- Gee, Mom and Dad, it sounds like a thrilling excursion,

but as a gifted child taking my first

tremulous steps into manhood,

I'd feel much safer staying behind

in my controlled environment.

- You'll be fine, Ferguson.

- Looks like it's gonna be a perfect weekend.

- That's great, sport. - Oh.

- Only . minutes until the weather broadcast.

Flip's gonna give the barometric pressure.

- Oh, Clarissa, I'm not through eating yet.

- Oh, really? I'm all done.

- Done? Done what?

Done making a string bean weather map?

Aren't you a little old to be playing with your food?

- Would you believe there's a tropical string bean

coming off the eastern seaboard?

No home is complete without its own weather vane.

Don't you agree?

Let's take a look at some highlights from school.

Here's my map of the Eastern bloc

for geography class.

I never knew Poland had so much in common

with Flip's face.

And here's what the school cafeteria

served for lunch today.

Is that mashed potatoes and gravy

or Flip au gratin?

Finally, this really weird thing happened

just after fifth period.

There he was, right in the hallway

of Thomas Tupper Junior High.

[dreamy music]

[whispering] It's Flip.

Flip?

[dramatic music]

- Excuse me?

- Turned out to be Miss Pitbullocks,

the gym teacher, in a new, short hairdo.

Okay, I'm going with it.

But how am I gonna get rid of my crush

if Flip Fontana is everywhere?

Okay, here's what's been happening.

I've taken things into my own hands

and formed the Junior Meteorological Society.

Everyone's been doing their bit to help out.

Dad's been working on a design

for a new treetop weather observatory.

Construction's being held up for budgetary reasons.

Mom pitched in by bringing home educational material

from the children's museum.

[balloons popping]

As usual, Ferg-face has been poking around

where he doesn't belong.

So much for my weather balloons.

And Sam should be here any minute

with the results of our first membership drive.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam. [twangy guitar chord]

Any luck?

- Everyone said they'd love

to be in your club if you're president,

but they want to know if you can make it some other club.

- It has to be the Junior Meteorological Society.

How else am I gonna get Flip to be the guest speaker?

- Maybe he has other interests.

- Sam, Flip lives and breathes the weather.

Besides, I already wrote to him

to say we voted him weatherman of the year.

- So it's a small, highly selective club.

- Just think, Sam.

This could be one of the great loves of history.

This is so exciting--

you, me, and a full frontal system.

- Mm, and what a cloud formation.

I couldn't brave it without you, babe.

[romantic music]

- Hold it. Hold it.

Have you ever stopped to think of the downside--

flash floods, heavy equipment, weather groupies?

♪

[thunder booming]

- [squeals and laughs]

Flip! Flip Fontana.

I just love the way you do record highs and lows.

Can I have your autograph?

- Hold this for me a sec, hon, will you?

[thunder booming]

- Just another weather widow.

- No way. Flip's not like that.

I'm telling you, once Flip and I meet,

it'll be like raindrops magically colliding

to form a huge gully washer.

- Just as long as there's no wind-chill factor.

- Hold on to your rain hats.

I predict a major monsoon.

[weather alert beeping]

- ♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

- Okay, let's take a look at the official minutes

of the Junior Meteorological Society.

Still no word on getting Flip to speak to the club in person.

We have, however, drafted a request

to be sent to news producers all across America.

Here is our simple yet bold demand:

more weather, less news.

It's what the people want.

We've also petitioned the -hour weather channel

to hire Flip as full-time anchor.

All weather, all Flip, all the time.

Here's the tape I sent the weather channel.

I've spliced together exciting highlights

from Flip's "Wonder Weather" forecasts.

Ah, remember the time Flip braved a tornado

to report live from the trenches?

Doesn't Flip look great under pressure?

- I'm here. I'm now.

I'm where the action is.

- And who can forget the "Blizzard Wizard" spots?

- Have no fear.

Flip is here

to help you prepare for disaster.

- Isn't it cool how Flip's totally optimistic

while always preparing for the worst?

And here comes a personal fave--

Flip in psychic headgear.

- Do we really know the weather,

spiritually speaking?

- I just hope I hear from him soon.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam. [twangy guitar chord]

- Hey.

- What if Flip and I are star-crossed lovers?

What if we're doomed to miss each other

for the rest of our lives?

- You haven't heard from him yet, huh?

- What if my letter got lost

in some freak waterspout incident?

What if Flip never learns of my existence?

- Hey, aren't you trying to meet Flip

in order to get rid of your crush?

- What if it's meant to be?

Do you think this hat is too big of a statement?

- What kind of statement did you have in mind?

- I like to look my best when I watch the weather.

Maybe something subtle but sophisticated

for Flip's midday special tomorrow?

- I thought, midday tomorrow, you're going to be

on top of Mount Winnemucca with your family.

- Oops. I forgot about that.

Well, I can't miss tomorrow's dramatic conclusion

of Flip's weekend series, "Don't Be Scared, Be Prepared."

- Will your parents understand? - They'll have to.

Sam, this thing is bigger than me,

and Flip's live "Wonder Weather" specials

don't happen every day.

- Why don't you tape it on your VCR?

- Are you kidding?

Just knowing at that very moment

I'm watching Flip,

he's out there, live,

talking to me about the barometric pressure--

I can't let go of that.

- Wow, you have totally flipped.

- I know this sounds weird, but sometimes I could swear,

when Flip gives the overnight lows,

they're meant just for me.

- Oh, brother.

- [sighs]

- Now, I've mapped a route

that will maximize the scenic views.

- Looks great, Dad, but how about minimizing the exertion?

- Yeah, well, don't worry about it, Ferguson.

There'll be plenty of rest stops.

Now, if we get an early start,

we should be at the top by noon tomorrow.

- Dad, about noon tomorrow--

- Hey, sport, you want to see the route?

We've got some great -degree views here.

- Dad, I love a good view, but, you know--

- Who wants to try

my Mount Winnemucca trail mix special?

I've added plenty of candied garbanzo beans for flavor.

Here, guys. Pig out on the extra.

- Mom, I won't be needing any tomorrow.

- Clarissa, I know girls your age

have all kinds of body-image issues,

but you don't have to diet.

- No, Mom, that's not what I'm talking about.

Tomorrow's a big weather day.

- Mm, that's why we're gonna be

communing with the great outdoors, sport.

- Yeah, and Flip says it's gonna be unseasonably warm.

- No, tomorrow's a big TV weather day.

Flip has a special. I can't miss it.

- Clarissa, isn't this getting a little out of hand?

- Gee, Mom, I think it's great that Clarissa's fallen in love

with a TV weatherman,

an object of universal ridicule,

just like Willard Scott.

Next, maybe a shoe salesman like Al Bundy

or maybe Bozo the Clown.

- Okay, Ferguson, come on, come on.

Let's go pack up tomorrow's lunch.

- Mom, you understand, don't you?

- I remember my first big crush.

- Joey Russo?

- Oh, Joey Russo was more like

my tenth big crush.

- Are you saying this might become a regular occurrence?

- I'm saying that the road to true love

is paved with a thousand crushes, Clarissa,

but there are reality crushes and fantasy crushes.

- What do you mean, Mom?

- Well, take my crush on John Denver.

- John Denver--ick!

- I was crazy about him,

but that wasn't reality.

- Mom, this is different.

Since Flip and I share the same interests,

since I got interested in what he's interested in,

that is, the weather...

- Now, Clarissa, I know how wonderful

first crushes are.

- Wonderful? Mom, I hate having this crush.

- You do? - It's a nightmare.

I used to have a life. I used to be a human being.

I'd do anything to get my old self back.

- If that's how you feel, you're simply going to have

to exert some self-control, hmm?

Your father had a crush on me

for years, you know.

- Really? What did he do about it?

- He married me. - Mom!

- Well, that was after he got over his crush.

He used to spend hours memorizing the phone book.

Did you know that there are Barry Browns

listed in this area?

- Yeah, Mom, do you think they're all related?

- We never figured that out, Clarissa.

But it's times like this

you need to rely on family diversions.

We'll have a great time at Mount Winnemucca,

and you'll be too distracted

to even think about old what's-his-name.

Are you with me?

- [sighs] That's hard.

Okay, I'll give it my best sh*t.

From now on, the weather can take a hike.

- That's the spirit.

- Mom, Dad, important news flash!

[objects clattering]

[both yelling]

- Clarissa, are you all right?

- Is that you, sport?

- I have a late-breaking weather bulletin.

- What's going on? Where am I?

What's that noise about?

- Well, what is it, Clarissa?

- There's a halo around the moon.

- Oh.

- There's a halo around the moon?

- Exactly!

- You woke us all up to tell us

there's a halo around the moon?

- Like I said, there's a halo around the moon!

- Oh, well, thanks for keeping us posted.

I'm going back to sleep now.

- Don't you know what this means?

- It means you've lost your mind.

If you ever had a mind.

- Let's all get back to bed. - Mm.

- Flip says a halo around the moon

is a sure sign of impending snow.

So there's no point of going to Mount Winnemucca tomorrow

if it's snowing.

- Snowing? We're right in the middle of a warm spell.

- Better safe than sorry.

What if it turns into a blizzard?

Are we prepared for disaster?

Do we have snow tires, canned goods,

freeze-dried tofu--

- Oh, look, it's snowing!

- It's snowing.

- Marshall, it really is snowing!

- Of course it is.

- Marshall. Marshall!

- Great. Snow.

- And that's the amazing world of weather.

- Honey. Janet! Janet!

This isn't coffee.

- Oh, right.

Ferguson, your cereal looks very strange.

- It should. It's chocolate ice cream.

- Thanks, weather-brain.

How silly of me. My mistake.

If only I'd gotten more sleep.

- Isn't the snow incredible? - Mm.

- I can't wait to hear what Flip has to say about it

in his special today.

- Too bad about the outing.

- Hey, honey, are my old snowshoes still in the garage?

[knock at door] - Forget it, Dad.

- Clarissa's right, Marshall.

We'll go to Mount Winnemucca on a better day.

[twangy guitar chord]

- Hello, Samuel. - Hello, Sam.

- Great snow, huh?

- Yeah, thanks for the weather bulletin call

last night, Clarissa.

Or was it this morning?

- Don't mention it, Sam.

I figured you'd want to be prepared.

- My dad thanks you for the wake-up call too.

But he couldn't get back to sleep.

He's still up computing the personal-foul-to-assist ratio

of every point guard in the NCAA.

- Makes you realize that people

don't take the weather seriously enough.

It's like Flip says:

everyone talks about the weather,

but nobody does anything about it.

Isn't Flip just great?

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.

- This is a phase. It will not last.

This is a phase. It will not last.

- Yes, this is Clarissa darling.

One moment, please.

[screams]

It's Flip! It's Flip!

It's Flip.

Wow, Flip.

It's so cool of you to call me yourself.

I mean to call me yourself.

I don't mean you'd call me yourself.

I mean you yourself called me!

Oh, jeez.

Really?

You're inviting the whole Junior Meteorological Society

down to the station?

That's so cool.

Today?

Um...

yeah, sure, we'd love to.

Sure, it's short notice,

but I'm pretty sure I can get everyone together.

Great.

Bye, Flip.

So long.

See you.

Till then.

[dreamy music]

Oh, that was Flip.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

- wow, Sam. Just think.

This is the exact place where Flip stands

to talk about high-altitude winds

and low pressure systems.

- This must be how my mom felt

when she got to touch Elvis' soap dish at Graceland.

- Wow.

There he is.

- He's a lot shorter in person.

- Uh, Sam, why don't you go check out

that really cool camera?

- Oh, right. Good idea.

- Hiya. I'm Flip Fontana. - I know.

- And you must be Clarissa Darling.

- I'm pretty sure I am.

- Sorry I was tied up. I just fired my agent.

So did you and your club get to tour the station?

- Yeah. It was great.

But what's really great is all this great weather stuff.

- Mm, yes, it is.

I had to fight to get these walls pushed back.

- Pushed-back walls?

You have to fight for what you believe in.

- That's exactly right, Clarissa,

and I'm not like your average lumpy weatherman.

When I do the weather,

I really care.

I care about you.

- I knew it!

- You and all my fans.

I know you want to see my whole bod.

And pushed-back walls makes that possible.

- Oh, right.

So you studied at the National Weather Service?

- Actually, at the National Weatherman, Sports Announcer,

and Game Show Host Service.

- I never heard of that.

- It's at the LaSalle Communications School

in DeVry, Michigan.

Pat Sajak got his start there.

But my first love was aerobics.

- But I thought your first love was the weather.

- Well...[chuckles]

Don't tell anybody this, Clarissa,

but I could live with a lot less weather.

Say, in Hollywood.

So where's the rest of the club?

- Sam.

Sam, Flip. Flip, Sam.

This is the Junior Meteorological Society.

- Hiya, Sam. - Hi, Flip.

So you've met our president, Clarissa Darling,

and what an incredible president she is.

When it comes to weather,

well, she simply is weather personified.

- Sam, forget it.

- Huh?

- I don't think Flip is that into the weather.

- Hey, you're wrong about that. - Really?

- Weather is a great stepping-stone.

- Stepping-stone?

- Yeah, I'm hoping to get a gig

as a TV sidekick,

you know, like Ed McMahon but younger.

And cuter.

Much.

- Go for it.

- Hey, how about the thrill of a lifetime?

What do you say you join me here in my station?

- That's okay. I don't think so.

- Oh, come on. You'll be great.

Come on over here, stand right there,

look straight into that camera,

and read those cue cards.

You're on!

[news music]

- Reporting live from Channel ,

it's time for "Flip Fontana's

Weekend Wonder Weather Special."

[sighs]

I think my crush just crashed.

[car crashes]

- ♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

- Now it's time...

- Clarissa, time for the weather.

- Who needs a stupid weather forecast?

- Doesn't the weathergirl want to watch the weather report?

- Hey, all I have to do is look out that window.

- Here comes the forecast.

- Check it out.

- You know, that Flip fellow is kind of cute.

- Flip who? Oh, that airhead.

See, Mom, I believe the best way to get rid of a crush

is to actually meet the person you have a crush on.

- Say, Marshall... - Mm?

- Maybe that means I really should meet John Denver.

- John Denver? - [laughs]

- This evening at the Forum,

the Bulls soundly trounced the Lakers.

- Hey, aren't those sportscaster's eyebrows

totally amazing?

Uh-oh.

Maybe I should stop watching TV for a while.

What do you say to no TV?

- I say, "No way."

[sportscaster continues indistinctly]

- You know, we really should pay more attention

to the world of sports.

[sportscaster continues indistinctly]

It happens to be a very relevant topic

in all of our lives,

what with the World Series,

Olympics, Super Bowl,

tennis, skiing,

basketball, football,

hockey, golf, swimming, skydiving,

bungee jumping...

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na