02x08 - The New Look

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, everything looks different

when you change your P.O.V.

You know, point of view? It's what makes a sixth grader

look like a big sh*t when you're in kindergarten,

but just a pipsqueak once you hit junior high.

If you ever want stuff to look totally new,

just shift your P.O.V.

Whoa.

Okay, I'm back.

But am I really back,

or am I still in the same place and everything else is back?

Hey, things change, and you just have to change your P.O.V.

if you want to keep up with them.

Just think, if my P.O.V. never changed,

I'd still be stuck in the third grade

staring at the back of Ronnie Pullock's head.

"Old MacDonald" would still be my favorite song...

- ["Old MacDonald" melody playing]

- And a jar of strained carrots would still be my favorite food.

Yuck.

But the real question is, do things change,

or do we just change the way we see them?

For example, why would Clifford Spleenhurfer,

the biggest bully ever to roam the halls

of Thomas Tupper Junior High,

suddenly seem...well, kind of cute?

I guess it all depends on your P.O.V.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

- Clifford Spleenhurfer's finer qualities used to be

a mystery to me.

How can you appreciate someone who eats

raw meat for breakfast?

For as long as I can remember, my gut reaction

to Clifford was one of blossoming disgust.

Sure, he was the bully who made Ferguson's life

a quaking nightmare.

Hey, everybody's got some good points.

But after I stood up to Clifford,

he switched to a new kind of terrorism.

He hounded me with love.

- ♪ You are so beautiful

♪ To me

- Yuck.

Clifford just wouldn't quit.

He went through more love songs than a -story elevator ride.

- ♪ I think I love you

♪ Isn't that what life is made of? ♪

♪ So what are you afraid of?

- CLARISSA: He wanted to be my full-time soundtrack.

And he gave me so many flowers,

I thought it was an allergy test.

But then came the ultimate .

He disappeared.

Clifford?

All I wanted was for Clifford to stop drooling all over me.

So why did I feel so lousy when he gave up?

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam. - [twangy guitar chord]

- Hi, Clarissa.

- So, what's new?

- I think my dad's going through a second childhood.

- Really? Why?

- He bought me this really rad new skateboard.

- That's cool.

- But I can't get it away from him.

He's a shredding maniac.

- Well, I'd rather be shredding than Spleenhurfing.

- I've never heard of that move.

- Sam, I can't get Clifford Spleenhurfer off the brain.

- Excuse me, but did you just use

Clifford Spleenhurfer and "brain"

in the same sentence? - I did.

- But Clifford Spleenhurfer is the enemy.

- People change, Sam.

- People might, but Clifford Spleenhurfer?

What happened to that little voice inside you

that said he was a creep?

- I guess that little voice changed, Sam.

Remember how Clifford sent me Valentines

no matter what day of the year it was?

- Yeah. Boy, were you annoyed.

- Now I realize he was just a rebel

who couldn't be confined to traditional holidays.

- I can't believe you still have these.

Clarissa.

There's nothing written on 'em.

- Clifford gets tongue-tied when he writes.

- And you actually miss him?

- It's worse than that.

I think I want to go out with him.

- Whoa, when did this start?

- The second he stopped following me around.

- So how are you going to go out with him now that he's not

crazy-glued to your front doorstep anymore?

- I've already dropped hints everywhere but on his head.

I even waited for him outside detention,

but he walked right past me.

- Clarissa, it's hard to drop hints when the hintee

thinks the hinter hates him.

- You're right, Sam.

I'm gonna have to be totally direct.

I'll just call him.

- Go for it.

- Uh, Sam, there are some things a girl's got to do on their own.

- Oh, I get it.

Anyway, I better pick up some bandages.

Something tells me my dad's gonna come home

with a serious case of road rash.

- Bye, Sam.

Hello, --?

I just need a little bit of information.

Can you tell me how to get up the nerve

to call Clifford Spleenhurfer?

- ♪

- Mom, I'm glad to offer my patient assistance,

but how many of these egg guys do you think we have left?

- We're almost done. And thank you, Ferguson.

The kids at the museum are gonna appreciate your help

when they use these egg cartons in their artwork.

- Cool, Mom, you've made an art out of recycling.

[door opens]

- Hey, guys.

You'll never guess what happened.

- Well, give us a hint. - MARSHALL: Okay, all right.

It happened in the checkout line.

- You bought sugar-coated chocolate bombs by the case?

- No. - You read about

two-headed alien Elvis impersonators

looking for human brains?

- No, try again. - They didn't overcharge you

for broccoli again, did they?

- Oh, you guys are way off.

Okay, there I was--now, I was minding my own business,

when this woman comes up to me, all right?

- A woman? - Well, it wasn't like that.

It was just a woman.

- Well, what was it like, then, dear?

- I can't believe it, someone checked you out

while you were checking out groceries?

- Hey, come on, will you guys calm down?

It's just that she took one look at me,

and she said that I was exactly what she'd been looking for.

- [scoffs] So you showed her your ring

and told her you're married.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, sure I did.

And then she said that I have-- now, get this--

I have...the perfect face.

- Perfect for what, Dad? - For an advertising campaign.

She wants me to model for her agency.

Here's her card.

- Pilar Tweech? - My dad, a male model.

That could be cool.

- I guess you deserve congratulations for this.

- Dad, you're modeling for...money?

- Well, I don't know. You know, maybe just this once.

- Dad, don't you get it?

This is an incredible opportunity,

unless, of course, you want to blow it.

You're gonna need some careful management right now.

- Really, Ferguson? - Trust me, Dad.

- Well, I guess a manager wouldn't be a bad idea.

- And I'll bet Ferguson knows just the guy.

- Of course, I'll need a commission

if I want to take you on.

- What a surprise.

- Marshall, I've always been a very big fan of your face,

but try not to let your face go to your head.

- Oh, come on, I know that beauty is only skin deep.

- Besides, you're an architect.

Modeling would probably be very vacuous for you.

- Well, I don't take any of this seriously, you know.

- What kind of attitude is that, Dad?

Serious is the name of the game here.

- Yeah, this could get seriously embarrassing.

- ♪

- Mom, can I have some more popcorn, please?

- JANET: Sure, Ferguson.

- Why don't you just take a commission on Dad's portion?

- Is that any way to talk

to a future modeling-industry giant?

- No, but it is the way to talk to a mental midget.

- Here you go, Ferguson.

- Thanks, Mom. - You're welcome.

- Mom, where's Dad? - Oh, I better go tell him

he can take the hot-oil treatment out of his hair.

I hope he remembered to use

the special moisturizing soap I got him.

- Give it a break, dweeb-face,

Dad's not gonna go for that stuff.

- Oh, Dad!

- Ferguson's always been over the top,

and now he's trying to drag Dad along with him.

- Well, it's nice to see them

getting to spend some time together.

- Okay, I think it's time for me to call Clifford.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Hmm...let's think about that.

- ♪

- Yeah? - Hi, Clifford? It's Clarissa.

- Oh, yeah, Clarissa Darling.

You missed your chance with me, baby!

You blew me off big-time.

Nobody treats Clifford Spleenhurfer

like a smelly old high-top and gets away with it.

Good-bye!

Hello? - Hi, Clifford? Clarissa here.

- Clarissa! Clarissa who?

I don't know anybody by that name.

Sorry, I don't remember who you are,

and so I really have nothing to say to you.

Well, hello, there.

- Hello, Clifford, this is Clarissa.

- Hello? Hello?

I'm sorry, whoever you are, I can't hear you.

Girls, girls, girls!

Call me back when I am less busy,

like in the next century.

Ciao, babe.

- Well, you can't let your fears run your life,

or you'll never get what you want.

Ready or not, it's time to make that call.

But ready is always better.

Okay, let's face it,

I need another point of view on this boy-calling stuff.

Maybe I should ask my dad for advice.

Dads must have been boys once, right?

- Dad...

without the proper guidance, you'll be eaten alive.

- Ah, I don't know about this, Ferguson.

- Dad, makeup has come a long way since lipstick.

- Yeah? - All male models use a little.

You have to sh**t for the big time here, Dad.

- Well, Ferguson, I hardly think I'm ready for the big time.

- Dad. Dad. Dad. - What?

- This is a fabulous opportunity.

- Yeah? Well, I would like it to work out.

- Okay, well, let's try those model poses again.

- Okay. - Right?

Model tool number one. - All right.

- You're getting out of your Cherokee

for a night on the town.

Give me your look.

Oh, fabulous! Okay, here we go.

Number two. All right?

You just scored the winning sh*t in a volleyball game,

and you're applying a dab of cologne,

give me your look.

Super fabulous! Okay, here you go.

Express train hurtling right towards you,

miles per hour, give me your look!

Fabuloso!

Oh, you never lost that rugged male-model poise.

-"Fabuloso"?

Dad,"fabuloso"isn't you.

How could you let Ferguson railroad you into this?

- Hey, come on, Clarissa, we're just having fun, you know.

Believe me, nobody's gonna railroad me into anything.

- Dad, forget her. Let's sing our song, okay?

both: ♪ I'm too handsome for myself ♪

♪ Too handsome for myself

♪ Too handsome for me

♪

♪ I'm too handsome for myself ♪

♪ Too handsome for myself

♪ Too handsome

- I'm too nauseous for myself.

Maybe asking Dad for advice isn't such a hot idea after all.

- ♪

- Okay, I better just get this over with and dial.

Here goes.

People really do change, right?

How can it be this hard to do something you want to do?

Okay, this is not a big deal.

I'll just call.

- ♪

- I'll just call later.

Wait, it won't be any easier later.

Okay. This is it.

I'm really dialing now.

I will not hang up, I will not hang up,

I will--

Hi, Cliff? It's me, Clarissa.

Clarissa Darling?

- ♪ Na-na-na, na, na-na

- ♪ Na, na, na-na

- Well, no, no, not really, but, yeah.

Yeah, I really like kicking a rock down the street.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, what kind of question is that?

I'm calling because, you know, I had some free time

and I felt like calling.

Free as a bird, my schedule is wide open.

Well, no, no, that doesn't mean I'm not busy.

Okay, then let's do something sometime.

You do? You would?

This afternoon? Great!

I'll see you then. Bye.

- [suspense music]

- What have I done?

Clifford's coming over,

but now I have to figure out what to do with him.

We could always do nothing together.

Anything to keep Clifford from getting a glimpse

of Dad's vanity rampage.

For a closer look,

let's go to a Marshall Darling Ego Parade Update.

The first clue came when Dad went from being

a splash-some-water- on-your-face,

run-a-brush-over-your-teeth-

and-a-comb-through-your-hair kind of guy

to being a high-maintenance bathroom hog.

- MARSHALL: [singing opera]

- Dad, open up, it's been a whole hour!

- Just give me more minutes.

- CLARISSA: That's what happens when dads discover grooming

as a concept.

- MARSHALL: [singing opera]

- CLARISSA: Then there's the little matter

of Dad's changing world view.

You know how when you care too much about one thing,

the other things you used to care about take a hike?

Dad! "Architectural Digest" is on the phone,

they want to interview you!

- Sorry, sport, no can do. - Why not?

- Well, the sun's at its optimum tanning location.

And, sport? - Yeah, Dad?

- You're blocking the rays.

- CLARISSA: Of course, Ferguson's been there

to spark Dad's ego into

a full-scale bonfire of the vanities.

- [blowing whistle] - Next station, Dad!

Here you go! Let's go!

- ♪

- [whistle blowing] - Next station, Dad!

- ♪

- Whoa! Whoa. - What?

- I think I broke a nail.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Nope, the vanity forecast for Dad does not look sunny.

An ego tsunami is more like it.

Am I embarrassed by my father, my own flesh and blood,

and the thought that Clifford might see him like this?

You bet your allowance I am!

I better go check on Dad before Clifford gets here to do--

Well, what are we gonna do?

- JANET: Oh, Marshall.

Can you take out the garbage, dear?

Oh, unless, of course,

you're worried about messing up your hands?

- Very funny. - Dad.

Don't risk it, you have a sh**t in an hour.

Broken glass, rusty garbage can lids.

- Oh, I forgot. - Marshall!

- Good hands are very important to any model.

As your manager, I must insist.

- I guess you never know

when they'll have to sh**t a close-up, huh?

- I'm sure Clarissa wouldn't mind

taking the garbage out just this once.

- If you're so concerned, you take it out.

- Fine, if that's what it takes to ensure an economic boon

in this household, we'll make the sacrifice.

Come on, Dad.

- Oh, what about my hands?

- Well...um...

Okay, fine, I'll take it out.

- Whoa, let's work on our posture.

- Okay, chin up, lead with the hips.

- ♪

- What a dynamic duo. Has Dad totally lost it?

- Well, this Pilar woman will be over in an hour,

I'm sure your father will get over this.

He's just having a little fun with Ferguson.

- That's like having a little fun

with a defective blowtorch.

- Clarissa, when you get to be a certain age,

one small ego boost can go a long way.

- I think it's boosted Dad all the way to Venus.

- Okay, Dad, pressure's on.

What's the key to a healthy, youthful complexion?

- Hydration. - Yeah, bingo!

All right, now let's reapply that seaweed mask

before Ms. Tweech arrives.

Posture, Dad, posture.

- [exhales] Well, Clarissa, maybe you're right.

- Well, I better go get ready to meet Clifford

before Dad turns the bathroom into his personal vanity den.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na

♪

- How did my dad turn into Beauty and the Beast?

I guess it's time for me to have my own vanity crisis.

Now, what does one wear to go out

with a former school bully?

Maybe something sporty to go with Clifford's athletic side.

Who am I kidding?

The last time Clifford did the -yard dash,

he was trying to get away from Principal Merkin.

[British accent] Maybe I should emphasize my bookish,

serious side to go with his poetic nature.

[stops accent] Actually, the only poem Clifford knows

is "Baby, baby, stick your head in gravy."

I'll just try to match that cute, rad tough-boy thing

he has going.

Except with this on,

I feel like a rebel without a cause...

or a learner's permit.

Forget it, what am I thinking?

Why am I trying to match Clifford's look?

Hey, to each his own wardrobe.

I'll just be wearing my regular Clarissa clothes,

and Clifford can take it or leave it.

- [doorbell ringing]

- I'll get it, Dad! I'll get it! Stay where you are!

No! It's mine! I got it, Dad!

Hi. - Hi.

- So... - So...

- So what should we do? - I don't know.

- Me neither.

- Got any food? - Food. Great idea.

The kitchen's right this way.

- [doorbell ringing] - Oh, it's right in there.

Help yourself.

I got it!

- Pilar Tweech. President, Tweech Model Group.

- I'm Clarissa, from the Darling family group.

- Uh...won't you come in, Ms. Tweech?

I'm Janet Darling.

- Why, thank you, and please, call me Pilar.

My...what a nice...plain house you have.

It's just the setting I pictured Marshall in.

- Oh, thank you.

I suppose.

- Here's Marshall!

- ♪

- Hello, hello.

Hello. - Dad?

- Marshall? - Marshall?

- Pilar, it's great to see you again.

- Ms. Tweech, I presume.

I'm Ferguson Darling of Ferguson Model Management.

I've been working hard on my client's new look.

- It certainly is a... new look.

- Oh, thank you.

- Dad, I think you better look again.

- You know, I was a little skeptical at first,

but my son, Ferguson, he said this was the way to go.

What do you think? - Well--

- My client's look is the result of a lot of hard work

and discipline.

Frankly, keeping him in line has been quite exhausting.

That's why I'm going to need to negotiate a bonus fee

for myself in addition to the standard commission.

- Yes, yes, well... I have to tell you, Marshall,

this look you've achieved is a bit more

than what I bargained for.

- Well, thank you, thank you very much.

- Actually, I don't think you understand.

What I meant was-- - What she means--

- Dad, what she meant is that-- - You flatter me now.

Come on, say no more, say no more.

This is the result of a very strict regimen.

I wasn't born with this, you know?

- It's the patented Ferg Regime.

And with my superior genes, I predict we'll have a big,

big impact on the world of modeling.

I, myself, will soon be ready to take that splash.

- Splash? Don't you mean crash?

- Marshall, I wanted you for this dog-food advertisement

because you had a...well, a nice, down-to-earth,

middle-aged look.

- Oh, middle-aged?

- Middle-aged? He can do middle-aged.

Male model look number four, Dad.

- ♪

- Wrong, wrong, wrong.

We're all set on the photography studio, but...

you're just not how I remembered you, Marshall.

Marshall, I hired youfor a...

a look, an attitude,

a spirit of...average.

Is that makeup you have on?

- Oh, well, you know, I'm not wearing that much.

Actually, I'm starting to feel a little silly.

- Why? We can do father-son catalog work together.

- ♪

- Isn't there anything in your kitchen

without tofu in it?

- Why don't you check in the bottom drawer

of the refrigerator?

- Hello, Clifford. - Hi.

- Clifford Spleenhurfer.

- Excuse me, but who is this handsome young man?

- This is Clifford. - Hi.

- Clifford, you have the perfect face.

- So?

- I thought I had the perfect face.

- Every face is perfect for something, Marshall.

Ugh, young man, I am getting an inspiration here.

Have you ever considered a career as a male model?

- Why?

- After all, who says a dog food

has to be so down to earth and boring?

Oh, you will be great in this ad, Clifford.

- Well, you know, what about me?

- We might still have a part in mind for you, Marshall.

- Yeah? - Stay away!

- Oh, come now, or we'll be late for the sh**t.

- Clarissa? - You want to be a model?

- I don't know. - At least it's something to do.

- Sure, I guess. Hey, why not?

- Knock yourself out.

- You know, we also get calls for mother-daughter print work.

- Nah. - C'est la vie.

Let's go, boys.

- I'll have my people draw up an addendum.

- Phew. - Phew.

Well, that gets me off the hook.

- What do you mean, Clarissa?

- Calling Clifford was easy compared to figuring out

what to do with him.

- [scoffs] He's not very verbal, is he?

Hey, do you think there's any more of that seaweed mask left?

- Oh, no, Mom, not you, too. You're gonna use that gunk?

- Sure, I think it might make an excellent seaweed casserole.

- Ugh. - [laughs]

- Here it is, hot off the newsstand.

- Oh, I'm not sure if I want to see this.

- Oh, come on, Marshall, Pilar said you were very good.

- Yeah? Well, I have to admit that I'm curious.

- Hey, there's Clifford! - Yeah.

See, that was the part I was supposed to play.

Now, I would've done it differently,

you know, sort of a...

- [laughing] Marshall.

- Dad, I think you got the much juicier role.

Everybody knows it's the character work

that takes the real skill, and it's every bit as lucrative.

- Dad, that's you in the dog suit?

- Yeah.

Pilar thought it would be, like, "a fun concept."

Can you please turn the page? - Marshall!

I think you look kind of sweet with those big, floppy ears.

- Yeah, you look great, Dad.

- And Clifford's adorable.

- I used to think so, too, until he started liking me again.

- What do you mean, Clarissa? - I don't know what it is,

but some guys are easier to like when they're not around.

- ♪ Oh, I can't stop

♪ How I feel

♪ I'm digging on you, you're digging on me ♪

♪ We're digging on we

- Whoever said, "the more things change,

the more they stay the same," definitely had the right P.O.V.

- ♪ Oh, I can't stop

♪ How I feel

♪ I'm digging on you, you're digging on me... ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na,

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na,

♪ Just do it

[thunder booms]