04x13 - Educating Janet

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Okay, it's spring,

that time of year when light sweaters

take the place of heavy coats,

when football makes way for baseball.

And, of course, there are other sure signs

that spring has sprung.

[sneaky music]

Mom always looks upon spring

as a way to get rid of the some clutter in her life.

But her will to clean is no match

for dad's separation anxiety.

♪

And spring is the time

a young man's fancy turns to love,

but in Ferguson's case...

[horror music]

That could lead to some bad chemistry.

Then there are those who like to experience

the great outdoors.

[majestic music]

[sneezes]

Unfortunately,

they have to share it with pollen.

Other signs of spring?

Chirping birds, blooming flowers,

mud, and of course, the big spring dance.

Now, usually, school dances rank right up on the dorkometer

with chess club and synchronized swimming,

but not this year.

Sam and I are co-chairing the planning committee,

so no geeky themes like "Under the Sea."

You know the drill-- papier-mâché conch shells,

dancing the swim,

and goldfish crackers for refreshments.

And we won't do anything lame like Hawaiian luau madness--

grass skirts, hula contests, pineapple punch.

Blech.

We thought it would kind of cool to salute

the post-groovy decade, the 's.

Polyester, Disco Fever, Charlie's Angels--

a great time to visit,

but I wouldn't wanna live there.

[funky music]

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

[mellow music]

Dad, I really appreciate you giving us all this 's stuff.

Well, I would rather it go to some good use

than end up in the trash.

It's a good thing I didn't listen to your mother

when she tried to talk me into throwing all this stuff out.

[sneezes]

Gesundheit.Gesundheit.

Thanks.

This hay fever--it will pass right about when mosquitoes

start getting real bad.

It's hard to believe these guys were bigger than Pearl Jam.

Oh, the Bee Gees.

Come on.

How Deep Is Your Love,

Night Fever,

Stayin' Alive,

do any of these ring a bell?

I don't know, Dad. I've never seen their videos.

No, no, see that was before--

never mind.

What's this? A lobster bib?

Ha ha. It's very funny.

Actually it's pretty hard to imagine

anyone wearing this, isn't it?

Hey, look at that guy's hair.

No those are just sideburns, sport.

I thought they were back in.

Not the sideburns, the chest hair.

I don't get it, Dad.

How do you go from being a hippie to this?

Oh, you know, sport, it was just for fun.

Discoing the night away.

You had to be there.

I'm kind of glad we weren't.

[sighs] This is it.

If I never see glue, scissors, or construction paper again,

it'll be too soon.

Moving out?

I can free up some time and help.

What's in the box?

It's only the third midterm art project

Miss Popplebottom's making me do this semester.

This class is bringing down my entire grade point average.

Well, let me see. I'm sure it's not that bad.

That's what I thought.

Ta-da!

[quirky music]

It's a mobile.

Foreign currencies lira, francs,

drachma, British pounds.

Confusing art with commerce again?

I'm not surprised you're baffled, sis.

I think I'm what the art world would call avant-garde.

Well, this is truly...unique.

Hi, everyone.

Oh, Marshall, I thought we had a deal.

You get to keep one box of stuff,

and the rest of it goes.

Oh, come on.

This stuff is history.Uh-huh.

Then let's leave it to future historians.

You know what I really need?

I need a bigger box.

So, where have you been?

Oh, sorry, I'm late.

But I got a call from the high school,

it seems Miss Popplebottom is about to...

Hey, can I help it if Miss Popplebottom

can't share my artistic vision?

Art is so subjective.

You know that Van Gogh guy d*ed penniless.

I do, and this isn't about you, Ferguson.

I have some very exciting news.

Miss Popplebottom is going on vacation,

and I have been asked to substitute for her.

Hey, that's great, hon.

Congratulations, Mrs. Darling. Thank you.

You're going to teach at the high school?

Like the one I go to?

Well, it's just for a couple weeks.

But the museum is willing to give me the time.

I'm a little nervous, but I'm really looking forward to it.

Let me get this straight.

My mom is gonna teach my art class?

Now, Ferguson,

I know this could be little awkward at first.

Awkward?

Awkward? This is a miracle!

First the parting of the red sea and now this.

Well, he's excited. Me too.

Me too.

Come on, Janet. I'll help you make dinner.

Oh, thank you, honey.

What's the matter, Clarissa?

It's just your mom teaching in school.

You don't even take art.

I know, Sam.

And I just hope the high school is big enough

for the two of us.

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

There are lots of things worse

than having your mom teach at your school,

like flossing with barbed wire,

swimming through shark-infested waters,

or having Ferguson for a brother.

I mean, as mom's go, mine's pretty cool,

but when a mom comes to school,

can embarrassment be far behind?

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa.

[sneezes]

So what do you think?

I think you need a good antihistamine, Sam.

No, I mean, the suit for the dance.

It's just like the one the guy wore inSaturday Night Fever.

I went the whole nine yards--

neck chain, wide collar, open shirt.

Cool. Where'd you get it?

It's my uncle's.

You know, he was almost an extra in that movie.

Wow.

You seem kind of distracted, Clarissa, what's wrong?

Like this whole "my mom teaching at school" thing.

Hey, relax.

The Beefnik brothers' mom substitutes home ec,

and nobody teases them.

That's because they're the Beefnik brothers.

I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

Like remember when my dad volunteered

to be Cub Scout leader?

I kind of liked that.

Sam, you were seven.

Oh, yeah.

I guess if it happened today, I'd be totally embarrassed.

I see what you mean, Clarissa.

So what you're gonna do?

It's only for a couple weeks.

I can probably ride it out.

There you go.Yeah.

And if it gets to be too much,

I'll just go home sick.

Of course, if my dad's out and my mom's at school,

who'll pick me up?

[uneasy guitar tune]

With my mom teaching at my school,

I had to wonder how bad it could be.

And today, she showed me.

I thought with my school being so big,

the chances of us running into each other

were practically nonexistent.

Unfortunately, mom b*at the odds.

Here's a look at some of the lowlights.

Thanks to mom, I started off my day

with a healthy dose of embarrassment.

[quirky music]

Chances are,

I won't be forgetting any more books

for the next two weeks.

Since I hadn't seen her the rest of the morning,

I started to let my guard down around lunchtime.

Big mistake.

Too bad an apple a day won't keep your mother away.

♪

I tried extra hard to avoid her

the rest of the day...

But by fifth period,

she was really getting in my hair.

One of the cool things about being in high school

is that you feel sort of,

well, grown up.

But with mom around, it's more like kindergarten.

So it looks like I'm just gonna have to tell her

this just isn't working out.

I mean, it can't be any big surprise to her.

She's got to know how awkward this is.

Hi, sweetheart.

Whew! What a day.

Pretty rough, huh?

I'll say--two classes, prep period,

departmental meeting, and two more classes.

Well, you know, no one could blame you

if you pulled out now.

Pull out? Are you kidding?

Although if I wasn't so excited, I'd be exhausted.

You mean, you've liked it?

Liked it? I loved it.

Well, of course, you did.

Why wouldn't you?

So how was your day? Anything special happened?

Nothing to write home about.

Pizza time.

Hi, guys.

Hi, hon, how'd your first day at school go?

Terrific.

I was a little rusty

in my first few art classes though.

Rusty? You call that rusty?

I can't wait to see when you're all warmed up.

I have to say, as a pupil,

the world of primary colors never looked so vivid.

Thank you, Ferguson.Thankyou,Mom.

Of course, I'd never expect special favors

just because you're my mom.

Oh, please.

As a student, I intend

to produce a midterm art project

that will not only make my mother proud,

but elevate the standards of art as we know it.

You know, Ferguson,

a good teacher can make a big difference.

And perhaps your mom brought out

the true artist in you.

And, you know, many of the world's true artists

studied abroad--

far, far abroad.

Oh, Marshall, would you mind

getting dinner ready again tomorrow night?

I have a faculty meeting scheduled.

Sure. I'll call Ling's Wings.

All right, Chinese buffalo wings.

Boy, being a high school teacher

sure takes a lot more time than I thought.

We'll hardly gonna see you around here.

Is that a good idea?

You're right.

I am?

I'll tell you what.

I'll join you for lunch tomorrow in the cafeteria.

You mean sit at my table?Sure.

It will give us a chance to get a little girl talk in.

I can't wait.

[upbeat music]

Okay, my mom's been teaching at my school for a week now,

so I'm doing the only logical thing--

exploring alternative means of education.

Fortunately, there are lots of alternatives to explore.

There's m*llitary school,

Saint Moritz/Matterhorn Swiss boarding school.

And of course,

Miss Fabisham's Academy for well-bred young ladies.

Let's see.

"This elite training academy for the privileged young lady

"features such courses as teacup etiquette,

"proper management of domestics and servants,

and advanced curtsy techniques."

Yuck.

Okay, I know it looks desperate,

but at this point,

anything is better than my school.

Besides, all these schools lack one special thing--

my mom.

Okay, maybe I'm overreacting.

I mean, there's only one week to go

and then Mrs. Popplebottom will be back

and everything will be back to normal.

Hey, sport.

Hi, Dad.Hey.

All right, now listen, I need your opinion.

I've got to get rid of some of this stuff.

Your mother's gonna go right through the roof.

So, which do you think is the most indispensable?

Is it

the a*t*matic golf ball putt return,

all right,

or...

the plastic purple poodle shampoo container?

[quirky music]

Too close to call, Dad.

See? You understand my problem.

So, if you need any more of this stuff

for your 's dance, you let me know.

Thanks, Dad,

but I think we're doing okay in decoration.

It turns out everybody's parents

have a lot of junk lying around.

Oh, yeah? Lucky stiffs.

Dad, if you wanna keep your stuff,

why not just tell mom?

I would, but she always

comes up with such a good argument to get rid of it.

And besides, she's been so busy.

I haven't wanted to bother her.

Yeah, this job sure is eating up a lot of her time.

But it'll be over soon.Yeah, maybe.

Maybe? What do you mean maybe?

Well, your mom tells me that

Miss Popplebottom's not coming back.

What?

Yeah, she met the man of her dreams on vacation.

They've taken a flat in Helsinki together.

And the school has offered your mom

a permanent position.

I'm speechless.

It's exciting, huh?

This is unbelievable.

This is awful. This is worse than bad.

My mom's gonna be teaching at my school forever.

I must be dreaming. This must be a nightmare.

I'm gonna wake up any minute.

But then I'm gonna have to go to school.

♪

[upbeat music]

♪

Okay, so now that it looks like my mom

will be a permanent part of my high school curriculum,

I've got to take steps to make sure our interaction

at school is kept to a minimum.

I know.

Next year, I'll just take courses

they offer in the east wing.

She'd never go there.

Let's see.

Auto shop, metal shop, wood shop--

not exactly the well-rounded college prep material

I was looking for.

I could always do a big, long independent study project.

Hide out in library all year.

She'd never find me in the stacks.

Oh, whom I kidding?

There's no escaping her. She's larger than life.

She's mom.

Hi, Clarissa.Hi, Mom.

I looked for you in the lunchroom this afternoon,

but I didn't see you.

Did you look under the tables?

What?Oh, no, no, no.

It's just that...

Well, I dropped my pretzel sticks

and I went to down to get them, you might have come in then.

Oh, that must have been that.

I looked for Frankie, too, but I didn't see him either.

Frankie? What Frankie?

Frankie. You know, the one you...

You know.

What are you talking about?

Well, a little bird told me that you two are...

Well, little bit more than lab partners.

Mom!

It's all right, Clarissa. I was young once.

I understand these things.

Mom, can you step back a little.

What?

I think I'm gonna drop dead right here

on the kitchen floor.

Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

Besides, I think he's kind of cute.

Oh, no! Don't say that.

Where'd you hear that anyway?

Well, you hang around school, you hear things.

I don't mean to tease you. Live your life.

These are your high school years.

You should enjoy them. I won't cramp your style.

[quirky music]

Cramp my style? Try crushing it.

Well, Mom has broken the cardinal rule

of mother/daughter relationships.

She's getting to know me.

I mean, the me at school,

the me she's not supposed to know.

Not that I'd ever hide things from her, just that...

I never had to before.

I mean, what would you do?

It's like she has this direct pipeline

into my life.

I sneeze at school,

I come home three hours later,

she says gesundheit.

[sneezes]Gesundheit.

And the worst part isn't what she is doing,

is what I'm doing.

What are you doing?Nothing!

What do you mean nothing?

Like today,

Barbara Bander was in middle of this really juicy story

about how Eve Biderberg snuck out last week and then...

And then what?

I don't know.

The bell rang, and I bolted for Mr. Kleczynsky's class.

Why bother? He's cool.

He doesn't mind if you're a minute late.

I know he doesn't but mom does.

She was coming down the hall.

I just felt like I had to get out of there.

Bummer.

Yeah, you said it, Sam.

And then I told Frankie I'd walk with him to gym class

but the only way to get there was to walk past the art class

where my mom teaches,

so I made up some totally lame excuse

and didn't go, and I wanted to.

Yeah, that doesn't sound too cool.

[sighs] I'm censoring myself.

Clarissa, we've got to figure something out.

You can't go through the rest of high school like this.

We're supposed to have fun.Tell me about it.

So, what do you think?

That looks great.Thanks.

I just copied the lettering off a bunch of old albums.

Good thinking.

Clarissa, tell me,

do you think this is gonna be a genuinely cool dance

or just another Hawaiian luau?

Are you kidding?

As they said in the 's, everyone will wanna boogie on.

Hi, kids.

Ooh, great poster, Sam.

Thanks, Mrs. Darling.

Tell me. You were there.

Is it authentic 's?

[sighs] Brings back memories.

I like it.

More than that, I like it officially.

What do you mean officially, Mom?

Well, I was gonna save my surprise till dinner,

but I guess I'll tell you now.

Guess who's the faculty adviser for the school dance?

Miss Hesselhoff, right?

Well, she was,

but she's got too much to do coaching Girls' sh*t Put.

Now it's me.

So any time you need any advice,

I'm all yours.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

♪

Well, she was right. This is a surprise.

I hate surprises, Sam.

[upbeat music]

Okay, I know it was drastic, but I had to take action.

My mother couldn't take the hint.

So I went for the direct approach--

a very sneaky direct approach.

I have to get her out of the school somehow,

even if it means resorting to scare tactics.

But so far, nothing's been scary enough.

Here's a couple of things I tried.

First, I took the topical approach.

Alarming!

Fascinating...

But nonetheless, alarming.

Good article?

Very informative.

I'm concerned about Ferguson.

I'm not sure you're teaching at our school is good for him.

Really?

He's changing, but with all the long hours you put in,

you can't be expected to notice.

He seems fine.

Besides, it says here it's not good for parents

to teach their own kids.

The other kids in the class resent it.

And one thing Ferguson doesn't need

is more kids resenting him.

Oh, he'll be fine, Clarissa,

he's just working extra hard on his midterm art project.

But thanks for mentioning it.

I'll talk to him.

If I couldn't play a normal parental concern,

I figured pity might work.

Here you go, Mom.

For me?Oh.

"Dear Mrs. Darling, I miss you,

"please come back to the museum soon.

Love, Amanda."

Oh, little Amanda.

I miss her too.

You do? Great. Here's another one.

"Dear Mrs. Darling,

"you are the best teacher in the whole wide world.

When are you coming back? Love, Danny."

[laughs]

And here's one from Jesse.

Oh!

And one from Rebecca.

Oh!

Zachary.Ooh!

Jennifer...Oh, that is so sweet.

So, are you gonna quit the high school

and go back to the museum?

No.

I miss the kids, but I made a commitment,

I can't break a commitment.

Finally, in desperation,

I went to the videotape.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, dear, how'd your meeting go?

Well, it was canceled.

So Sam and I went to the video store.

Blackboard Jungle?Yes.

Earnest, well-meaning teacher takes job in high school

and deals with problems of juvenile delinquents.

Danger, danger, more danger.

You wanna watch it with me, Mom?

Ooh, I'd love to,

but I just don't have the time right now, sweetheart.

Strike three.

Well, I finally figured a way to get everything in one box.

Great, Dad. How?

What do you think?

That's using the old noggin.

I can't believe it.

I'm her son. I'm not only her son.

I'm her only son.

Ferguson, are you and mom having a problem?

Oh, no problem--

just that she made a grave error in judgment.

What, she let people at school know you're related?

My beautiful midterm art project...

You mean your fourth midterm art project?

She gave me a C minus.

My own mother.A C minus?

You're lucky it was mom. She cut you some slack.

A C minus!

I worked so hard painstakingly mixing colors,

waiting for hours until the light was just right.

Very nice.

Hauntingly familiar though.

Isn't forgery a federal crime?

Forgery? What do you mean?

This is a completely original work.

Well, it would be if you're Claude Monet.

Never heard of him.

Well, son, it does bear a remarkable resemblance

to one of his paintings, Water Lilies.

The big difference is

his wasn't a paint-by-number.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I actually miss Miss Popplebottom.

Oh, Ferguson, I can't believe you

really thought you're gonna get that past your mother.

Now, I'm gonna fill my one box.

This is...

We've got to do something, you have to talk to mom.

Me? Why me?'Cause I'm her student.

If I do it, she'll think it's about the C minus.

And you know it's much deeper than that.

Well, I guess that's it then.

Like it or not, it's time for the two of us

to have a student-parent- teacher conference.

[upbeat music]

♪

Hi, Mom.Hi, Clarissa.

Are you all right, dear?

Well, actually, no, Mom.

I didn't think so, but believe me, I understand.

You do?Uh-huh.

I know how difficult a situation like

this can be.

Well, it hasn't been easy, I can tell you that.

It's never easy at first,

but after a while, you'll get over him.

Him? Him who?

Frankie.

I heard he asked Melody Kelprowler to the dance.

That's not the problem.

Clarissa, you don't have to pretend with me.

Frankie is a nice...Forget about Frankie.

Frankie was last week.

It's you.

Me? What did I do?

It's what you're doing.

You're teaching art at my high school.

Oh, well, Clarissa, I hardly think that's...

And you know everything I do,

and you know everywhere I've been,

and you're gonna keep knowing

until the day I graduate from that place.

What are you talking about, Dear?

Well, how would you feel if your mom

took a permanent position at your high school?

I don't know. Why?

Because...

Isn't that what you've done?

No.

Oh.

[sighs]

So is this sauce okay?

Mm, little more basil.

Who told you I was taking a permanent position

at the school?

Well, dad said, and I assumed...

Oh, I see.

Clarissa, I'm not taking over for Miss Popplebottom.

Really? You're not?

Of course not.

Why would I leave the children's museum?

Because you love teaching high school.

Well, it has been quite an experience,

but I miss my kids down there.

I love my work and I would never give it up.

That's great.

I mean, if that's what you wanna do...

Oh, if you wanted to teach at the high school,

that would be fine too. It's just that...

Clarissa, I enjoy teaching all the kids,

and it's been nice to get to know

a little about your life at school,

but I think a little is enough.

You'll learn all kinds of things at school, Mom.

♪

Come on, Janet. Now, you said I get one box.

This is one box.

Oh, Marshall,

when spring cleaning comes around next year,

we'll try again.

So what do you think?

Wow!

Hey, you guys would fit right in the 's.

Thanks... I think.

Got everything I need,

gold chain, blow-dried hair.

[sneezes] And tissues.

Talk about art appreciation.

My new art teacher loved my mobile.

I'm on my way to becoming a great artist.

Yeah, con artist.

Smirk if you must,

but look for me one day in the annals of art history.

This new art teacher seems to have

sparked something in Ferguson.

Well, that artistic bent runs in the family.

Oh, shouldn't you guys be going?

The dance starts in an hour.

Yeah, but I don't know how much dancing

there'll be tonight.

The instructor we hired to teach everyone Latin hustle

blew us off to work a Gloria Gaynor convention.

You know, sport, your mom and I used to be

quite the Latin hustlers back when, you know?

we'll be more than happy to drop by the school and...

Huh? What do you say?

I don't think so, Marshall.

As far as I'm concerned...

School's out.

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na