05x11 - It's On Bitch

[bunniefuu]

Spencer finally proposed to Heidi.

[gasps]

Heidi, will you marry me? If your dream wedding--

With this ring, yes.

- Ha-ha! - Oh, my god!

And Audrina had to break it off with Justin for good.

- I can't do this anymore. - Don't get into it with me--

I'm telling you this. That's it. I came to say goodbye.

Don't call me. Don't text me anymore. It's over.

If I spent the night in Lauren's room...

- Like you did with Brody... - I called you that night.

- No, you didn't. - Yeah, you're lying.

I'm lying? I'm lying. You're lying.

Lauren said she wasn't going

to Heidi and Spencer's wedding.

Like, it's just not something

that's gonna happen.

But she wound up going after all.

- 'Oh, my God.' - You came. Oh, my God.

- I really am happy for you. - I'm so happy.

Then that's-that's all that matters, Heids.

People were pretty surprised to see me when I showed up.

[woman whispering] 'Why is Kristin Cavallari here?'

But I was the one who introduced

Heidi and Spencer in the first place.

Mr. and Mrs. Spencer and Heidi Pratt.

It was fun seeing all my old friends.

I need you to hook me up with

a guy because I don't have a man.

Audrina knows everybody.

[Kristin] 'I just met Justin today at the wedding.'

'He's such a stand-up guy.'

But I was about to be reminded...

...too much fun can get you in trouble.

[Audrina] So this party's almost like a welcome-back party

for Heidi and Spencer, but, yet, they're throwing it.

Oh, my gosh.

'Heidi said she invited Kristin'

and she has a house in Malibu

this summer, I think she's gonna come.

Why does she have the reputation of being a, like, man-eater?

'Cause she was.

Kristin was definitely a boy magnet.

Yeah, I know, she was, like, Brody's, like

first girlfriend, and I was, like

so confused 'cause, like, he got her, like, a dog

and I was like, wait, Brody doesn't have girlfriends.

I wonder if she's dating anyone now.

You never had any drama with her?

I remember a few girls in high school having problems

with her just because she is not afraid to get in your face

'like, not afraid to stand up for herself'

and if you're on her bad side, I think it's really nasty.

She's easy to get in a fight with, though.

- Like, physical? - Wait, she slapped Lauren.

She slapped Lauren in the middle of the street before at a club.

And that's how Brody met Lauren, right?

It was one of the first nights that they went out.

"I'm sorry my girlfriend's hitting you. What's your name?"

"But you're really cute. What's your name?"

Is she gonna be our friend now?

I'm, you know, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

♪ Welcome to LA ♪

♪ Home of the brave and the misbehaved ♪

♪ Glad you came to stay ♪

♪ Now it's time to lose your Southern faith ♪♪

[Spencer] 'Good news is I got two bottles of tequila.'

We're married. We're not like tequila-crazy people.

No, Platinum Patron, babe.

I'm just so glad we can finally have a party

where everyone can come.

Kristin can come.

Brody can come, Stephanie can come.

Jayde, Audrina, you know...

Is Kristin single?

'Yeah, I think she's very single.'

Uh-oh.

- 'Audrina better watch out.' - What?

Justin Bobby is gonna get swooped.

You know what, actually, I'm not even sure

if she'd go for Justin Bobby or Brody.

She's the real-deal female player, like

if I've ever seen one.

'Wow. I don't think anyone's ready for'

'Kristin to come.'

[laughs]

[upbeat song]

- Jayde! - 'Hold on.'

So I've narrowed it down to a couple dresses

and a couple bikinis.

Just wear that bikini, put one of those dresses on

and let's go. We're not gonna have any fun

'if it takes us three hours to get there.'

Well, I don't even, I mean, I don't really want to go.

I don't want to meet your ex-girlfriend.

- 'I don't need to be around--' - Why not? Who cares?

Would you wanna meet my ex-boyfriends?

There's a reason why there's an "Ex" on it.

How long did you guys date for?

- Seven, eight months. - How did you guys break up?

What do you mean, how did we break up?

- That's-that's, I mean... - 'Why did you break guys up?'

We broke up 'cause we were young.

It was a relationship.

People break up when they're young.

Why are you being so shady about it?

- I'm not being shady. - You're acting so weird.

I'm not being shady. That's in the past. We've moved on.

- So, is she nice? - She's cool. She's cool.

You got to watch out for her, but she's cool.

[rock music]

♪ Ooh-oh-ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-ooh ooh ♪

♪ You got lips like a viper ♪

♪ Tongue like honey ♪

♪ One look from you and I feel like money ♪

♪ Got lips like a viper ♪

♪ Tongue like honey ♪

♪ It make me feel like ♪

♪ Feel like money ♪

♪ Oh oh no ♪

♪ Oh no oh no ♪

♪ Oh no oh no ♪

♪ Oh no oh no ♪

♪ I'm the ex now ♪

♪ Ooh-oh-ooh ooh ♪

♪ You're in my head now ♪♪

[cheering]

[Brody] 'Oh, you got the Patron!'

The Platinum is here!

He's got the Patron.

♪ Again and again now ♪

♪ You got hands that move me ♪

♪ Eyes that shake me ♪♪

- 'Let's pop these.' - 'Let's pop 'em.'

- Let's get a sh*t. - Let's do it.

- Hi! - Hi.

How are you?

What's going on, you guys?

[cheering]

What's up, player-player?

Thank you for coming to the wedding.

[indistinct chatter]

-Ola! - He didn't even say hello.

♪ I said to do it again ♪

♪ And again and again ♪

♪ And again now ♪♪

You know, they say the honeymoon stage?

We are in the honeymoon stage.

[Heidi] 'Yeah, we're looking for a house.'

My job is to make sure he's happy.

It's so random. I haven't seen any of these people in forever.

[all] 'Hey!'

Hey!

[all] 'Hey!'

Jayde is not gonna want to see Kristin.

Oh, my god. What up?

- Hey, Brody. How are you? - How are you? Good.

- 'Hi, Jayde.' - Oh, Frankie, oh.

- Ooh, yeah. - Hi-hi.

Welcome, Kristin. This is a very exciting day.

[laughing]

[hip hop music]

[Kristin] Hey, Justin. How are you?

- Good to see you. - Long time no see.

What's going on? I haven't seen you since the wedding.

[Stephanie] 'She just bee-lined straight for Justin.'

As a friend, it's girl code.

You don't go there at all.

- Did Justin say hi to you? - No.

'That is so not right.'

[Stephanie] 'Have you even said hi to Audrina?'

- Yeah. - Oh, you did?

[indistinct chatter]

Me and Audrina are cool. I think we're always cool.

Am I, it just might be time to move on, you know?

[Kristin] 'Stephanie, I think he's okay. He can handle it.'

- He's a big boy. - Kristin...

[Stephanie] He needs to respect Audrina, bottom line.

What?

He needs to respect Audrina?

Like, I'm trying to do something?

I'm just saying, you're like, "He's a good guy."

Yeah, I know he's a good guy.

I said he can handle himself. He's a big boy.

Why are you talking about me right now?

I said, "Justin's a big boy. He can handle himself."

Justin needs to be nice and respectful

just as how Audrina treats him.

I'm sorry that I walked up here and was saying hi

to my friends, and you guys came at me like * * *ing piranhas.

[indistinct]

...Justin is fine, then it's bull * * *.

Whoa, she can talk for herself. Stephanie, like, pipe down.

[Audrina] Hey, Kristin, I think you need to step

in front of Justin and put the dukes up, dude.

I think you should come at here, right here

and come talk to me like that, Audrina.

[indistinct chatter]

Your * * * sidekick is yapping her mouth at me.

Kristin, why don't you stay away from guys that Audrina dated?

You might want to let your friends talk for themselves

and shut the * * * up.

Quit getting in everyone's business.

Whatever.

Alright, so it's gonna be like this.

It's gonna be like this? Is it gonna be like this?

'Cause if it's gonna be like this

it's * * * on, bitch.

- It's on. - Oh, she's going down.

You * * * with the wrong girl, dude.

'The wrong girl.'

You don't wanna be on my bad side.

This is, like, crazy.

I'm sorry, but Kristin is not

good news to all of us.

She's the girl that's gonna s*ab us all in the back

and she doesn't care.

She will be that girl, I guarantee it.

You * * *ing idiot, you just * * * yourself.

[Kristin laughing]

[Kristin] 'Oh, now it's on.'

[upbeat song]

- Hi. - Hello, pretty.

Hi.

How are you?

Uh, the whole thing with Kristin

after that and being a complete

psycho-bitch, like, that's it.

I do not like her.

Jayde doesn't have to worry about me

trying to "Take" Brody.

She needs to worry about Kristin.

I think every single girlfriend in LA

needs to worry about their boyfriend.

You may not be interested, but tomorrow

Brody and Taylor, they're gonna throw Frankie

like, a fiesta birthday party

at some Mexican restaurant.

'Do you wanna come with Lo and I?'

I don't know. Is Kristin gonna be there?

Probably. I'm still gonna go.

I know, I just don't wanna go to Frankie's, and then

something happen where it's gonna ruin his birthday.

How can one person turn all of our lives upside-down?

She can't if you don't give her the power to do it.

♪ Sleep it off baby when tomorrow comes ♪

♪ Then maybe we can work it all out ♪♪

[Heidi] 'That was the craziest party.'

'Kristin and Audrina got so into it.'

'Everyone's so threatened by her.'

- They should be. - Oh, it's like a garden!

Look, how nice it goes...

Red door. Look how cute that is.

And the brick. Oh, my gosh.

[knock at door]

- Hi. - Hello.

- 'Come on in.' - I'm Heidi.

- 'Courtney Douglas.' - Spencer.

Pleasure to meet you.

- Oh, my god. - 'Come take a look.'

Look at the pool out there.

'This is, like, a really good newly-wed'

new family kind of house, huh?

Yeah, there could be a great nursery

back there down the hall.

- That's right! - No, no, no.

- Yay! - Take a look around.

Look at the pool and everything.

We could have so many barbecues back here.

Babe, I have three friends that are pool men.

Do you know how much they charge?

This is so good. Let's look at the nursery.

- Excuse me? - Let's look at the nursery.

She said there's a nursery.

That's an empty room with nothing in it.

She called it a nursery, Spencer.

♪ So hot baby so hot ♪

♪ On fire ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ On fire ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ On fire ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ On fire ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ It's my show all eyes on me ♪♪

- Oh, look who it is. - What's up?

'Hello, hello.'

- 'Look who finally made it.' - Hi.

- What's going on, guys? - 'What up?'

- Did she say hi to you? - No.

[Brody] 'Frankie Delgado.'

We've all been friends with you for a long time.

We love you. That's why we're here for you.

Celebrating this. Happy birthday.

- Cheers! - Frankie D.

[Lo] 'Whoo, whoo, whoo!'

- So, Justin... - Hi, honey.

Are you a single man, or are you dating?

- I'm single. - How single?

How-how single is single?

- 'What about you?' - Single.

For, like, two years now.

Well, beyond Audrina, I've been single for four.

Oh, wow. Whoa, wait-wait-wait besides Audrina?

Audrina and I, we were never fully, fully together.

- 'Oh, I didn't know that.' - 'Yeah, I know.'

I thought you guys were, like, a serious item.

She acts as if you guys were, like, married.

If Audrina was here, she would have a heart att*ck.

This is exactly why Audrina didn't come.

I'm gonna keep being friendly to her because, honestly

I don't want to get on her bad side.

- Do you wanna go? - Let's go.

Yeah, let's go watch the Laker game.

You wanna watch the Laker game?

- 'Yes.' - 'Yeah, well let's move spots.'

Hey, Franco, happy birthday.

I'm glad we could celebrate.

- Thank you for coming, Lo. - You're welcome.

You're not going to the next spot with us?

Happy birthday.

I love how Kristin didn't apologize to me.

Bye, you guys.

Bye, Jayde.

[Brody] 'Frankie, let's roll.'

[Kristin] 'Come on.'

Are you walking across the street?

- Yeah. - Yeah, let's go watch the game.

Come on, Justin, let's go watch the game.

♪ I want to feel you ♪

♪ I want to breathe you ♪

♪ I want to touch you ♪♪

[Kristin] 'Yes.'

Did that go in?

♪ I want to feel you ♪

♪ I want to touch you ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪♪

What's going on with her? Kristin.

Miss Cavallari?

No, she's fun.

We need to win this game, Nick. We need to win this game.

Different weather, you know.

I know what you mean.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What's going on? - I'm hearing Harleys go by.

I'm getting jealous.

- Oh, you've a bike, don't you? - Yeah, yeah.

I've never been on a motorcycle.

Yeah?

I'm a little scared.

Are you scared enough to go on it?

Are you gonna take me out?

'Oh!'

Yes!

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, baby!

You know, Audrina's been on the back of that thing.

That's not gonna be an issue, is it?

On your motorcycle? Oh, then I can't go on it.

- We need something new. - I'm being straight up.

'I don't know, Justin. Are you asking me out?'

[laughs]

I don't know. I'm trying to be good.

- 'Kristin, come over here.' - What the...

'Move over.'

- 'Are you guys cozy enough?' - Yeah.

He's keeping me warm.

'Oh.'

What are you doing, going down to my pants like that?

- Shut up. - We just met, you know.

How do you think Audrina's gonna feel about us going on a date?

She shouldn't get mad at all.

After she yelled at me, I don't owe her...

Well, don't be going on a date out of spite.

[laughs]

♪ Tearing down the house ♪

♪ Tearing down the house ♪

♪ Girl you never listen ♪

♪ Tearing down the house ♪

♪ Tearing down the house ♪

♪ Tearing down the house ♪

♪ You don't know what you're missing ♪♪

[Heidi] Okay.

'Huh. I feel like this place is just kind of like...'

...Hollywood party house.

I want, like, the cozy house in the suburbs.

This, my dear, would be the suburbs

with a little bit more attitude.

I just thought we really talked about...

...like, a classic house with the white picket fence

and this is just so cold and modern and, like

the last thing I wanted.

This is like a p*rn pad.

We're gonna agree to disagree.

Well, the deck seems kind of nice.

Oh, there's something.

Wait, it's not too modern for you, dear?

- After you, wife. - Thank you.

- Well, this is nice. - Oh, you like something?

I love all the trees and the nature. Reminds me of home.

Well, the good news is you're gonna be able to have

this view every day for the rest of the year

because I put the deposit down.

Why wouldn't you at least talk to me about it?

- Because I thought-- - This is our life.

This is our marriage, we got married

to decide things together.

Doesn't matter, 'cause it's your way or no way.

And you already put the deposit down, so...

- It's my way or the lame way. - Yeah.

♪ Wrong again ♪

♪ I'll never learn ♪

♪ You always let me down ♪

♪ Now who's to blame? ♪♪

So what have you guys been up to?

I haven't seen you since Spencer and Heidi's party.

Mm, well, we've been going out without you.

I know. I haven't been going out at all.

And there's all these new crazy people hanging out with us.

Oh, wait a minute, what you missed is

at Frankie's birthday at Pinches Tacos

'Kristin didn't say one word to me.'

When Stephanie first said "Hi" to her

she was like, "Hey." And, like, looked away.

Her own ego is gonna destroy herself.

I just don't understand why she feels entitled

'to, like, be not nice to any of us.'

You know, it's, like, you don't treat your girlfriends that way.

She has to realize that these are people's lives that she's

messing with, and people do have hearts and feelings.

She can't just walk in here and, like...

...just start trouble.

That's how I felt at Pinches Tacos.

'Literally, Kristin cozying up with Justin.'

'They, like, probably went home together.'

That's so not fair.

♪ My love is gone ♪

♪ Empty but smiling free ♪

♪ My love is gone ♪

♪ You're the one that took him away from me ♪

♪ His heart belongs ♪

♪ To a girl I never met ♪

♪ It never belonged ♪♪

Hey.

- Hi. - How are you?

- Good. How are you doing? - Good. Good to see you.

- Leather. - Thanks.

So listen...

I did think twice about coming here, I have to tell you that.

- Did you? - Yeah.

I think that Audrina seems to

obviously still really have feelings for you.

I mean, and in a way, I kind of understand

where she's coming from. I've been in her position before

where you think some girl is trying to steal your

ex-boyfriend or boyfriend or whatever, and it sucks.

See, she's so funny, you know.

It's, like, me and her were never exclusive.

She was never my girlfriend.

She clearly is in love with you.

'Has she told you that?'

No, but the way she's acting, I know.

Because, I... No, I know.

That's how girls act when they still like a guy. So...

I don't understand how somebody can still act--

'Cause you're that one guy.

Because you never gave into her, and she's...

You're the one guy she could never really have.

Do you hear how that sounds?

I know, but that's how the mind of a woman works.

'The one guy that you can't get'

you'll always have that thing for.

I understand it.

- Do you? - 'Yeah.'

Do you still have a thing for your one guy?

I haven't dated anyone in a long time, so...

- Really? - I know like that...

...if I'm gonna be attracted to someone usually.

Like when you were asking me about the bike

and going on dates and stuff.

Yeah, I really knew right then.

That was cute.

- I was flattered. - Shut up.

The only reason I said that is 'cause

I've never been on a motorcycle before.

Don't blame it on the motorcycle.

It's okay.

When's your birthday?

January th.

What is that? What are you?

- 'Capricorn.' - Capricorn.

Stubborn.

- I can see that. - I'm very organized.

Is your place spic and span?

- 'It's very clean, yeah.' - Is it?

I have the best bed.

- Do you? - 'Yeah, I do.'

Better quit inviting me.

[laughs]

You're talking about Harleys and your bed.

You got to break that thing in someday.

That's what I was thinking.

Ah!

[laughs]

You're evil.

I knew what I was getting myself into.

♪ You can't ♪

♪ Keep going on this way ♪

♪ Slow down ♪

♪ Slow down ♪♪