03x05 - Not So Smart Phone

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys, check it out.

We just got our first paychecks

from Tech Town.

Nice! What are you gonna spend
it on? A video game? New kicks?

A birthday gift for a sibling who
wants a video game and new kicks?

Nope. I'm gonna open
a savings account.

I want to like you,
but you make it so hard.

The job also comes with perks.

The new ePhone 7?! Those aren't
even out yet! How'd you get one?

Well, Leo, as a rising star
of the Tech Town empire...

We all got one.

People are already lined up
for the big release Friday.

You should've seen the
crazed looks in their

eyes when I walked
by with this thing.

Yup, that's the look.

This version's got the new
auto-centering feature

to help you take better selfies.

[camera clicks]

Yeah, I don't photograph well.

Point that bad boy over here. You're
gonna want to record this perfection.

I'm Adam Davenport,
and this is "Bionic Bowling."

Adam is six-foot-two,

a rare combination of incredible
strength and not much else.

[exhales deeply]

- [Leo] Oh, yeah! Ohh!
- Whoo!

I'm Chase Davenport, and this
is "Molecular Kinesis Bowling."

[Leo] A native of Mission Creek,
Chase's hobbies include

being a tattle-tale
and creeping out girls.

Oh! Oh,
the dreaded 7/10 split!

Devastating.
Just devastating.

[makes whimpering noises]

You were saying?

Oh, it's on!

I'm still Adam Davenport,
and this is "Blastwave Bowling."

[yelling]

[groaning]

[Leo] And we have a loser!

[man] The world's first
bionic superhumans:

they're stronger than us,
faster, smarter.

The next generation
of the human race is...

Living in my basement?

All right, huddle up, team.

Tomorrow's our biggest day
of the year.

For us techies,
this is our World Series.

And I'm your
starting quarterback.

- [popping sound]
- Oh!

Go, team!

[weak grunt]

Scott, I've studied
all the specs.

Ready to assist
any customer who needs help.

Great, 'cause we're gonna have more
people in this store than ever before.

Any questions?

Can we not do the sale?

Caitlin, remember what I said?

Think before you speak,
and then don't speak.

You OK?

I'm fine.
Just not a big fan of crowds.

When I worked at the Pretzel Hut,
we had this big three-for-one sale.

It was a madhouse, and the
customers wouldn't leave me alone.

They all wanted the last cinnamon pretzel,
so I did what any sane person would do:

I ate it.

Then I sprayed everyone
with hot butter and ran.

Anyway, I'm gonna go
grab a pretzel.

Mr. Davenport,
what are you doing here?

We're not allowed
visitors at work.

[scoffs] I'm not a visitor.
I'm a celebrity.

And this celebrity
needs a favor.

Tomorrow is my anniversary, and all
Tasha wants is that stupid ePhone.

Even though I can make something
better out of junk from the trash.

[scoffs]

So, if I get her one early,
it will make her feel special.

So just go grab me a phone
so I don't have to

stay in line all night
with these losers.

No way.
I could lose my job.

You have to go wait in line.

[chuckles]
Seriously?

Now!

[grunts]

Fine!
Where's the end of the line?

See that security guard
with the golf cart?

Yeah, that's not so bad.

Well, you might want to
stop and ask him for a lift

'cause the line ends
a mile past that.

Whose limo's blocking
the bus lanes?

I don't know but I always
wanted to ride in one.

They look so classy.

[trumpet]

Mornin', sewer sacks!

Then again, looks
can be deceiving.

Sorry about
blocking the bus lanes.

Can't walk too far in these.

Haven't worn heels this high
since I did the pageant tour.

You were in beauty pageants?

Yep, never won though.
Apparently, it's not a talent

to squat-lift a 250-pound
barbell while rocking a bikini.

And yet, look how far
it's got you.

Here's a fiver, Butch.
Keep the heater pumping.

So, how did you get a limo?

Daddy Davenport just gave me
a big chunk of hush money

for keeping your bionic secret.

I'm wearing
your college funds, kids!

Gather 'round, pus pockets.

Since I have come
into some recent moolah,

I have decided to start
giving back...

to myself.

I hereby announce that
I'm retiring as principal

effective end of the week.

Yes! I dreamed
this day would come!

Oh, it's time, people.

Are you done?
'Cuz I gotta wash that off.

You bought the school a hot tub?

No, I bought it for me and I'm
taking it with me when I go.

Much like the vending machine.

Ooh. Ahh.

Oh...

Oh, yeah. Take that
undiagnosed skin condition.

Excuse me.

Hi. Yeah,
I know what you're thinking.

It really is me.

Look I... I really,
really need a phone.

Wife's anniversary,
blah, blah, blah...

Anyways, is there any way
that I could sneak...

All right, hang in there, guys.
Only 15 hours left.

Also, if anyone needs
to use the restroom,

shoulda thought of that before
you camped out for a phone.

Ooh, hot tub's empty.

You better take your phone out of
your pants. I'm gonna throw you in.

- My phone... it's gone!
- Perfect, let's do this.

Stop! It has
our bionic bowling on it!

If someone sees it,
our secret will be exposed.

I must've left it back at the store.
Come on!

I have never
seen you this happy.

I know! With Perry leaving,
this baby bird is ready to fly.

[door opens]
[horn blares]

Keep your legs warm in case we
need to make a hasty retreat.

Listen up.
I am happy to announce

that after an exhaustive


I have found your new principal!

Hey-o!

Trent?!

That's right, Dooley.

Your new schedule.

First period: theater,
where you'll perform

a one-man version of Annie
for the entire school.

Then marching band, where you'll
be the drum major's baton!

And then gym class where...

well, your embarrassment
there goes without saying.

Chase! It's not even your shift,
and you're here. I'm impressed.

I'm not here to work, actually.

I think I just left my phone
on the prodigy bar.

Oh, you mean our packing area?

Ahh!

Someone must've packed my phone
with the others.

We have to find it!

Whoa, "we"? I just came
to watch you freak out.

All right, it's game time!

Scott, can you delay opening for
a minute so I can find my phone?

Let me run it up the
corporate ladder.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, no.

Release the herd!

Noooo!

Oh, yeah!

Now, this is the show
I bought tickets to.

She started it!

Caitlin, guard the phones
and don't let anyone touch them.

Gotta go find whoever
this belongs to.

Man, we're never gonna be able to
look for the phone with her on guard.

Nope. But hey,
look on the bright side.

What's the bright side?

I don't know, I'm just trying
to be a more positive person.

They're not prisoners!
They like living in my basement!

No. No-no-no!

She pushed me into you.

Fight, fight, fight, fight...

Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.

[whistle blows]

All right, I got some good news
and I got some bad news.

The bad news is I'm instituting
a school uniform policy.

[all grumbling]

The good news is only
Dooley has to wear it.

Come on out, sweet prince.

[giggling]

What are you laughing at?
This is your new uniform.

Why are you dragging me
into this? What did I do?

A: You're related to him and
B: I don't even really know.

He cannot be principal!
He is worse than she is!

OK, I cannot believe
I'm saying this...

but we have to make Perry stay.

What are you doing down there?

Just checking
on my veggie dumplings.

Principal Perry, are you
sure you want to retire?

I mean the position of
principal comes with prestige.

You're shaping America's youth.

If I cared about
shaping our youth,

I'd still be teaching
swim lessons down at the swamp.

Hey, kid sees a gator comin',
he'll swim!

Look, this is not gonna work.

The only way to persuade someone
like that is with bribes,

and she already has money.

But what if she didn't?

We still have a few hours
before her official resignation.

If we can get her to spend all her
money, she would have to stay!

I don't know, seems kinda crazy.

- Look at your outfit.
- I'm in.

Principal Perry, to celebrate your last
day, we would like to take you shopping.

Pass. Rather die.

Come on. With my super speed,
I can take you anywhere:

Beverly Hills,
New York's 5th Avenue...

Well... I am an uptown girl.

Fine. But before we go,

can you grab that stray dumpling
bobbing around my big toe?

No, no, no, no, wait...
I can get it.

Oh. There, got it.

Want a bite?

You know what's weird?
I kinda want a bite.

Uh-oh. We got
another scuffle in line.

Some old, rich guy tried to take a
cutsy, and that's a Tech Town no-no.

I'm gonna need some muscle.

Caitlin, come with me.

OK, he's gone.

Make up an excuse
to look at customers' phones.

What do I say?

I don't know!
Be creative!

Can I borrow your phone? My car broke
down and I need to call a tow truck.

You see, my wife's making me dinner and
she gets upset when I'm late and...

Whoa! Hold on, I'm not done.

She's making lasagna, and
it's my favorite. OK, now.

Hey, where's your uniform?

Trent sent it to the tailor.

He didn't think it was "snug
enough." Where's Perry?

Oh, she wanted
to make an entrance.

[trumpet blares]

Greetings, peasants!
It's fashion time!

No offense, but you're


Man, we can't keep this up.

We gotta get to the boxes before
the customers get to them.

Can we just...

You are messing with the
wrong girl on the wrong day.

Dude, what are we gonna do?!

Don't worry.
We're gonna find your phone.

No one will ever know,
including Mr. Davenport.

You're right. Thank you.

Hey, look who's here.

Hi, Mr. Davenport!

[both screaming]

All right. We're almost there.
We just have to finish

booking this trip to Spain
so Perry can run with the bulls.

Poor bulls.
They don't stand a chance.

[groans]

Uh, we need your credit card
for one last purchase.

Forget it,
I'm done buying stuff.

I thought all this junk would
make me happy, but it doesn't.

I'm outta here.

Well, I... guess I should
get used to Principal Trent.

Better go freckle up.
Got two shows and a matinee.

All right, you two,

grab this stuff
and toss it in my blimp.

You know what? No.

Do it yourself, Terry.

Excuse me?

You're not our principal anymore,
so you can't tell us what to do.

Yeah, she's right. We're
done taking orders from you.

I said grab my stuff,
fungus pigeons!

Ahh!

Wait. This feeling...

It's what's missing!

None of this junk
will make me happy.

What really matters
in life is...

treating people poorly
for my own amusement.

And nothing makes me feel more
complete than doing it to you twerps.

- What a wonderful life lesson.
- Yeah.

Guess I'm not
gonna retire after all.

It's back to my original plan
of working till I drop,

and then getting stuffed
and mounted over the gym door.

You know what's weird?
I kinda wanna see that.

Man, we've checked
every single phone!

I can't believe I did this.

After all Mr. Davenport has done
to protect our bionic secret...

I blew it.

Ah! I'm warning you.

Don't even think about causing
any more trouble.

I have a really high scream
and I'm not afraid to use it.

Mr. Davenport,
can I talk with you?

Unless you wanna give me a free
ePhone, I don't want to hear it.

I think you do.
I messed up. I may have...

Go home, everybody! The sale's over!
We're out of phones!

[all grumbling]

Wait, what about
the display model?

[Chase]
Oh, no, no, no, no!

- Leo!
- Oh, he really doesn't photograph well.

Yeah, I suppose we could
sell the display model.

[yelling in slow-motion]

Stop it!

Look at you people!
It's just like the last pretzel,

except it's a stupid phone!
This is why I hate crowds!

You're all loving gadgets when
you should be loving each other!

Caitlin, you're fired.

May I ask why?

So, what did you
want to tell me?

That... if you wanna
buy something for Tasha,

you might wanna hurry
'cause the mall closes at 9:00.

So you're not gonna
miss this stuff at all?

Nah, just the hot tub.

The school board
deemed it "inappropriate."

If cooking your dinner in the same vat
of water you bathe in is inappropriate,

then I don't
want to be appropriate.

How'd Trent take the news?

Eh, he was upset
till I decided to spring

for a new gym teacher uniform.

New uniform?

I can help with that.

Come on out, Trent.

I look ridiculous...

ly awesome!

Best demotion ever!

♪♪