03x01 - Wreckage

[bunniefuu]

Ready for this sh*t storm that's coming?

Previously on House of Lies:

Julianne: This aggression of yours will no longer be tolerated.

Is that straight enough for you?

Marty: I'm leaving the company.

Soak it all in,

'cause by this time tomorrow, we don't work here anymore.

To Kaan and Associates.

Both: Kaan and Associates.

That's it.

You got to think about the little ones.

Doug.

Clyde.

Oh, my God, those are the exact names I picked out!

Hey, hey, Jeannie, can I talk to you for a second? No.

Shut the f*ck up, Doug.

Shut the f*ck up, Doug.

'Cause the people you work with don't respect you. The fact that you don't see it kind of makes you seem like a putz.

Doug: Why would you hit on my girlfriend?

I feel truly sorry for you.

Is this what you're like when you start getting laid, man?

Sarah: Let's get married in Vegas tomorrow.

I have decided to stay at Galweather.

Clyde: I thought my thing with Marty was just on a whole nother level, man, I thought as friends, but he doesn't give a f*ck about me.

Why should I?

Because I'm about to make you mountains of cash.

Who's your spy, Mike?!

Who's your f*cking spy?!

I f*cking told 'em.

What?

So why don't you get the f*ck off my client?!

I love you.

Jesus, Jeannie.

Jesus, Jeannie...

Hey, Jeannie, I can't do this without you, okay?

I can't do any of it without you.

So stop being a baby.

You're a f*cking idiot.

♪ Doo-doo-doo, I'm coming home, baby, now ♪

Hey, man.

Ow.

♪ I'm coming home now ♪

All right, thanks so much.

Mmm. Mm!

Marty.

Marty Kaan!

(all laugh)

Marty, I need five minutes.

Oh, I need 'em more.

Ah!

Hi.

Hey.

♪ I'm coming home, baby ♪

Jeannie?

Hey.

♪ I'm coming home. ♪

How'd you get in here?

I have powerful connections.

No, I'm serious.

What are you doing here?

I thought you wanted me here.

Of course I want you here, but you haven't answered any of my phone calls or...

Are you coming back or what?

I'm already here. Now.

Right in front of you.

So what are you gonna do about it?

(low rumbling)

(people screaming)

f*ck!

Jeannie, what's going on?

This is exactly where we're supposed to be.

Just stay here.

Stay with me.

(people screaming)

Jeannie?

Are you all right?

There's some turbulence.

(sighs)

Who's Jeannie?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

(boisterous conversations in Chinese)

Marty: Robert.

Robert! Okay, about to be fired.

Pod, keep up!

Trying.

Robert, buddy?

Marty, do I have two minutes to buy some duck?

Marty: Robert?

Where the f*ck is Caitlin, Will?

Caitlin, let's go!

(cr*ck) Oh! Oh, g*dd*mn it!

Uh! I broke a heel.

Heels? That's a f*cking great choice.

Well, I thought we were going to a boardroom, not a f*cking bazaar.

Girls...

That's a dead octopus.

Knock that off the f*cking list.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, it's not just seaweed.

Heirloom seaweed.

Heirloom seaweed?

Why is it, why is it heirloom?

Oh, the nuance, the subtleties.

And as soon as you mention "heirloom," you justify a 40% markup.

(laughs) Say word.

What?

That is a great reason to go with heirloom.

Well, you are never gonna find heirloom seaweed at that white-trash Colossal Foods, I'll tell you that.

You're g*dd*mn right.

And it's things like that that set Free Range apart.

That's right.

f*ck the Wonder-Bread- and-food-stamps crowd, am I right?

Right!

Hijiki-- that is the wave of the future.

The Asians love a sea vegetable.

What China eats today, we'd better f*cking learn to love tomorrow.

Say that sh*t two times.

Hey, you got to try this.

It is a revelation.

No, no!

Huh? Come on.

Huh?

(groaning)

Mm!

Oh, m*therf*cker!

sh*t tastes like the ass of a sick fish.

Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by an uptick in housing starts.

Everything is beautiful, baby!

The economy is in recovery!

Jobs just falling out the sky.

Nobody wants for anything!

Another round of drinks and a shiny new Tesla for all my friends, right?

Wrong.

Here's what Daddy got to deal with.

Robert Tretorn, Free Range Foods, coming up fast on the food megagiants.

Saw the whole organic food thing jumping off in the '70s, decided to assimilate it into the mainstream, make it all go down easy as a decaf organic two-pump chocolate laxative.

Started with one little shop in Boulder, grew the fucker to 1,200 stores.

So I travel 6,000 f*cking miles just to pitch it!

But I guess this is what owning your own joint looks like, right?

You end up chasing every nutbucket across the earth hoping he might-- just might-- hire your sorry ass.

If we land this whale, we feast on the blubber until we land the next one; feast on that blubber, sell the ivory till we land the next one and the next one, and so on, and so ad in-f*cking-nitum until we get some fat; acquire some blubber of our own.

But until that day, you do what you gotta do, baby.

You eat sick fish ass.

Mmm-mmm!

That is amazing!

Right, huh?

I told you.

And I'm gonna own that market!

Oh, yes, you are.

And you're gonna teach the world to love it.

That's right.

That's right.

That is exactly what I'm gonna do.

Yeah. I mean, if...

If-if what?

What?

Well, look, you want to crush that behemoth Colossal Foods, right?

I mean, unless you're happy in your little faux, dead-end hippie niche market.

No judgment.

Well, what are you saying, huh?

You saying that, uh, Free Range is plateauing?

Hey, I do show your last three quarterlies dangerously flat.

Well, that's 'cause the economy...

Flat is death in this economy.

Flat is death in this economy, Robert.

Bobby...

f*ck it! Look, do you want to be f*cking 'roid rage huge?

I have a 20-year expansion rollout plan that I'm very happy with.

Robert, 20 years?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

The polar ice caps will have melted in 20 years.

We'll all be dead in f*cking 20 years.

We'll be drowning in our last million barrels of crude oil.

These assholes aren't gonna live through the week.

What are you willing to do today?

Not in 20 years, man.

How are you gonna carpe de f*cking diem today?

Today!

To-f*cking-day!

Today.

All right! Huh?

How about it, huh?

Bing! Bong!

Seaweed! Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God! I thought I'd completely lost you.

(gasps, coughs)

Oh, that's not bad.

Anyone get, uh, tickets to Days of Hope?

(mocking): "Anyone, duh, get tickets to Days of Hope?"

What do you think?

Of course not. It's been sold out forever.

I know everybody talks about it all the time, and I know everybody really wants to go, but what is the actual charity?

What exactly are they raising money for?

I have no idea.

I don't know.

Who cares?

Not me.

Word on the street is that the CEO of Coke is f*ring DeMark, and everyone wants to go suck up and get the gig.

Doug: "Word on the street"?

Which one, Sesame Street?

(snorting)

(laughing): Sesame Street...

Mmm, I normally hate those f*cking things, but I did scam the one Galweather ticket.

Really?

Uh... hey, could I be your plus-one?

I don't get a plus-one.

Oh...

But let me be clear: if I did get a plus-one, it would not be you.

(laughs)

You're funny.

(laughing): She's funny.

Hey, do you think Marty's gonna be there?

It's very possible, Doug.

Okay, okay.

Well, not saying anything...

It just seems a bit cynical, that's all.

Vying to get invited to a charity event without knowing or caring who the money is going to...

Doug: Well, hey, Benita, what would you say if I told you I might be able to get you a ticket?

Oh, really?

No.

You see, that's my point.

If you had a ticket, you'd show up at a h*tler charity.

That's mean, Doug.

Well...

And you know I'm anti-h*tler.

(laughs)

I can't stand it.

I just can't stand it.

What is it now, Doug?

What do you think?

I have... honestly, I...

That.

Her.

Jack Skellington.

Benita.

She is driving me crazy.

She's hideous.

What do you want me to say, Doug?

I mean, she's a great analyst.

I'm... sorry that she doesn't fit your arousal template.

You know, I used to look over and-and be...

I don't know, inspired by your generic Midwestern hotness.

It's true, but now...

Oh, God, now I look over at your old desk and I see that... that Sasquatch.

And...

I feel sick, physically sick.

I can't work, my regression models are going to hell.

Judge not lest ye be judged, Doug.

Christ.

Seriously, JC?

If you quote one more piece of Bible p*rn at me, I...

Doug, drop it.

JC, stop staring at my ass.

I wasn't.

I'm not.

Yeah, yeah, right, okay.

Or did you forget, Jeannie, that, uh, JC doesn't like girls.

What? I like girls.

Oh, yeah, you just don't like to have sex with them.

By choice.

My girlfriend and I are waiting until marriage.

We... made a chastity vow.

How convenient.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You-you don't have any... genital contact whatsoever?

Not even when you're alone?

You don't, you know...

Doug: Whoops.

Well, you have to answer now.

She's your boss.

And remember...

He's listening.

Sometimes. I...

Your call is starting.

Thank God.

I mean...

"your call is starting"?

(sighs) I'm sorry, Jeannie, I am, I'm sorry, I just miss the old g*ng, that's all.

Doug, please.

I can't help it.

(sighs) I mean, do you ever think Marty talks about me to his new pod?

Nope.

(laughs)

"Nope."

See, that's what I'm talking about.

That back and forth, the good old days.

Do you remember how fun it was?

Clyde and me goofing around.

Marty always telling me to, you know, "Shut the f*ck up."

Shut the f*ck up, Doug.

Exactly.

And you and Marty?

God, remember that?

How confused and tortured and out of control that whole thing was?

Probably not so fun for you, but, uh...

Yeah, for me...

(clears throat)

Yeah, we're both busy, so...

(whispering): Hey.

Seems like a long way to go for a mid-sized grocery chain.

Maybe that's what working for a startup is: running halfway across the world for a new account.

I really can't tell if our company's a huge success or about to go under.

I thought working for Marty Kaan would be way more glamorous.

Hmm?

Because I really, really, really need to find someone who's willing to date me.

(snorts)

Will: Okay, well, for a start, that kind of desperation's a huge turn-on.

(laughs)

Have your sport.

(sighs)

But Marty and his pod have always been legend when it comes to ladykilling.

Somehow, when you say that, it actually sounds like you are k*lling ladies.

Yep. Well...

I guess, when I came over from Kinsley, I thought he'd have some bigger moves, too.

I mean, Monica talks about him like he's f*ckin' Voldemort.

I can hear every f*cking word you're saying.

♪ ♪

(door opens)

Oh. Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy.

Can you make me a macchiato?

Can I make you a what?

A macchiato.

Oh.

Yeah.

Boop!

You are a macchiato.

Ha-ha.

But for real, I need energy.

I have basketball tryouts today.

You're trying out for the basketball team?

Splash.

Mmm...

Not bad.

Let's see how you do with a little defense on you.

Uh... you want... you want it?

Come on.

Roscoe Kaan, three seconds left.

Three... two...

(imitates buzzer)

...fouled and won!

(laughs) Okay, now, do you guys ever play with a real basketball?

When you, you know, do this?

You know, maybe we should get a real basketball, and I'll show you my suh-erious skills, and I'll take you down, old man.

Oh, you didn't just say "old man."

Old man.

I think what you meant is "master..."

Oh.

...and you want a clinic.

The clinic?

That's what I'm hearing.

Let's go.

Okay, posting up his dad.

Let's see it.

Uh! Fake!

Dunked on you!

Uh-uh! Swatted.

Roscoe: What?!

(laughing)

Marty: Whoops. It's in the second row, son.

Roscoe: Who do you think you are?

What the hell is going on out here?

Young Roscoe is trying out for the basketball team today.

Basketball basketball?

Well, all right!

All right.

I'm in the game.

All right. I got you.

(laughing): Yeah!

So how was China?

Uh, you know, brief, Chinese...

Hey, Dad, did you see the Peking Opera?

That makeup is fly.

Nah, I was just there 24 hours, I didn't really have time to...

Oh?

...take in a show or anything.

24 hours for a job you don't even have yet.

You got to be careful what you ask for, huh?

Yeah.

Big man's off the bench.

I'm not complaining.

I know you miss your old pod.

Nope. The new pod is just fine.

Come on. Here we go.

Pass it here! Got it.

I got a mean skyhook!

Skyhook?

Ooh, yeah!

He has a sky...

Dad, Dad, what is this, 1974?

We don't have big huge Afros and play with red, white and blue balls.

In short shorts.

Oh...

Oh... what?

Lookit here, double-teaming the old man.

(all laughing) Short shorts...

Give it here.

Here, here, here, here we go.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, let's go.

I know it's gotta be weird traveling without Jeannie at your side, huh?

Or Clyde?

Or Doug? Here.

You know, Dad, I would want Jeannie definitely by my side.

Well, Jeannie's not by my side, and she's not going to be by my side.

Okay?

It's fine. I miss her, too.

I didn't say that I missed...

Here.

Boink!

Here we go.

This is stupid.

Come on.

I got you, Dad.

Excuse me.

Come on, Dad.

That's all right.

Ah, cookies!

Whoa!

(laughs) Oh, stole the ball!

Got it, got it...

(indistinct conversations)

Clyde: Three... two... one...

So...

I was thinking, we have had this Montana account for... two weeks, and if I'm not mistaken, not one of you mouth-breathers have volunteered to quarterback it yet.

p*ssy much?

You know what?

I was born to QB.

Put me in, Coach.

I thought you were a kicker.

Hope you're getting that these are sports metaphors.

We're not talking about actual football, dude.

Oh, okay, good.

Because I'm pretty sure you'd get crushed.

(chuckles)

Huge football fan.

Really?

Me, too.

Really?

Please shut up.

I was just...

Christy, stop hanging out outside the boys' club.

Do you remember what we talked about?

Ah, I'm so sorry, Monica.

(quietly): p*ssy power.

Yeah!

I'm sorry, did you just say "p*ssy power"?

What is that?

Yeah.

I think she just said "p*ssy power."

Ugh.

Kicker, get it done.

It's so confusing.

It's like sometimes she's my mentor, and other times I feel like she's torturing me.

That is the result of a steady diet of Dalmatian puppies.

Thanks, Clyde.

Listen, I'm just a guy trying to let a girl know that it's gonna be okay.

Okay. Well...

I got to get something working, but thank you.

Truly.

It's just the person...

Monica: Christy!

...I try to be.

Yeah! Coming!

Does that sh*t really work for you, man?

What do you think?

I want to say... no.

Marty: All right, here's your marching orders.

Caitlin, I want this deal with Free Range to make, so I need you to push on legal.

Got it.

Jeffrey, listen.

Start, you know, roughing in that journeyline, okay?

Make it look like we're saving them from bankruptcy.

We will save them, sir.

Young William.

Now, when you were at Kinsley, how did Monica service the Colossal Foods account?

I don't really know.

I mean, she was always pretty secretive about her accounts.

Yeah, but you must've seen her do that old trick of recycling PowerPoints and just, you know, changing the names.

I... um...

I feel like if I tell you, she'll hunt me down and k*ll me.

Okay.

I don't want... that.

Or I could just k*ll you right now.

(laughing)

You could... here...

Or that. You-you could...

So... did she do that with Colossal Foods?

Uh... she might've.

Will...

Yes. She did.

Anybody ever find out?

Never.

Never.

Ooh...

This is awesome.

Nice digs, right?

It's-it's really nice.

Get out.

Okay.

(clicking tongue)

Monica.

Doug: Don't move.

I'm gonna freeze this moment.

This feels right.

Okay, this here is perfect.

So good to see you, buddy.

I missed this. I really did.

Good to see you, yeah, man.

Clyde, so good to see you.

Yeah.

God, I missed you. I did.

Do you know what I miss, though?

The cheap espresso over here.

Come on, don't do that.

It is so expensive where I am.

Clyde, you can say it, you can say you miss me, too.

It's all right.

Men can say that.

Men in suspenders can do that.

Men, period.

All right? Men are also loving and feeling human beings.

All right?

The ladies do not have that market cornered.

Speaking of women--

Jeannie, Jeannie!

Be-doop-ba-dee!

Look who stopped by.

Hi, Clyde.

Both: Jeannie...

Van Der Hooven!

(growling)

Stop it.

I will.

This is great.

This is so great-- the three of us, the old g*ng back together.

I mean, everyone except for, uh, He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Doug.

It's good to see you, Clyde.

Yeah.

So, how is it over here?

It's great!

You guys getting business?

Yeah, tons.

You're getting work?

Tons, tons, tons, too much.

I'm f*cking slaying it at Kinsley.

Oh, yeah?

It's insane.

It's good to finally be at the number one firm.

'Cause when you walk in the building, you're like, Yeah, that must carry you.

"Oh, this is what number one feels like."

Yeah, don't have to work as hard? I get that.

No, but that's it, though, I don't even feel like I'm getting challenged that much.

Yeah, it sounds terrible.

No, if there were some intriguing possibilities elsewhere at any place, honestly even...

I know it sounds stupid, but even here.

Here? Oh, God, don't bother.

This place sucks without Marty.

And you... you, you and Marty.

(whistling)

Is that...?

Yeah, that's what I was...

She was at the...

Uh, you're, uh, you're kind of in my, uh, my desk, bro.

Bro?

It was kind of his desk before it was your desk.

Right, but, see, now it's, uh, now it's my desk.

So, is this Clyde, whom we've heard so much about?

That's whom I am.

Nice to meet you, Clyde.

Nice to meet you, too.

And you've got to be Benita, whom Doug talks about constantly.

So sweet.

No, not really.

Can I get my desk back?

Monica: I don't even care, maybe you guys can help me understand better how this big a f*ck-up happened!

I don't, I don't know because I'm-I'm back there doing what I'm supposed to be doing!

What the f*ck are you guys doing?!

Don't just stare back at me like roadkill.

Let's get in the solution.

Right? Now!

(groans)

Hi!

I'm so glad you were able to make it back to work.

You look rested.

Thank you so much.

So, let me catch you up to speed since you've been gone for the past three hours?

I was gone for, like, two...

Seems that Colossal Foods, those old douche bags, have called me into a meeting in Phoenix.

"That's weird,"

I say to myself.

So I do a little back-channel digging.

Turns out that there is a nasty rumor floating around that I have given them bogus numbers.

That I've repurposed PowerPoints.

(laughing)

But you-you brag about doing that.

That's not the point.

That's not the...? Oh.

The point is, we could be counseled out.

And by the way, everybody does it.

Well, you're the first one I've ever heard of.

Aw, Everett, you big idiot.

I think...

Oh.

I think you told them.

I definitely didn't tell them.

Mm-hmm.

Why would I tell them?

I didn't even know.

Stop making your stupidity sound like a virtue, sweetie.

Monica...

If you could just use the tits and ass that God gave you and blow the occasional CEO, maybe, just maybe, we wouldn't be in the fuckhole that we are in right now!

I want ten of the best ideas to save this account by tonight.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have to go to the Days of f*cking Hope to save sick kids.

Or animals.

Or genocide.

That happened.

Hey, you all right?

Don't touch me!

Oh, my God, are you...?

Don't touch me, Clyde, or I will call HR right now and I will bury you.

Okay, okay.

Did she say something to you?

Is that what this is?

'Cause she does it all the time.

She tries to pit us against each other.

It's like a sport to her.

She likes to see us f*cking fight and go nuts.

That's exactly what she said you'd say.

Oh, it's exactly what Monica said?

Yeah, "Monica said," Clyde.

We talk, we share things.

She thinks that I am a-a rising star.

She just asked you to blow a CEO.

I'm not gonna have this conversation with a r*pist.

Uh... who's a r*pist?

You are.

Or "alleged."

r*pe accusations are like quicksand.

The more you fight, the worse they get you.

Everett, shut the f*ck up!

I'm not a r*pist.

(laughing): You know, you know that I'm not a r*pist.

Just 'cause you were acquitted doesn't make you innocent.

Oh, okay, so I was acquitted?

Were you?

No! How can you be acquitted when you've never done...?

Don't pick up the phone!

All right, I'm calling...

Christy, look at me!

Don't-don't touch me!

Oh, my God.

Monica: Is there some way that you can help me understand the f*cking stupidity of the human race?

Maybe there's an app for that?!

Is there some kind of a pie chart we can refer to Christy, put down the phone. that can explain to me the way you f*cking think?!

Put the... Oh, my God!

Is that possible?!

Is there something that I could look at where it could make some f*cking sense to me?!

Oh, my, you're moonlighting as a limo driver.

You look nice.

I look nice.

But I'm not nice.

Me neither.

Now, I figured you'd be going to this Days of Hope dinner.

I thought maybe you'd like a ride?

What do you want, Marty?

We miss you at the new shop.

And there's still a place there for you.

I mean, I don't know if any of that matters...

That's right.

I-I-I brought you a peace offering, Jeannie.

Marty?

I would love to stay and listen.

But I want to get to the CEO of Coke before anyone else does.

See, I have a plan.

Most people have a few drinks and they wait till they have enough liquid courage to make a move, typically after dinner.

But I, being smart and calculating, got a little shitfaced all alone in my kitchen.

Wow.

I think you were going for clever, but that came off as really sad.

Whatever, Marty.

I'll see you around.

Oh, God, I thought I taught you better than that.

Jea... You are running around on the same shitty information as all those other dipshits out there.

The CEO of Coke threatens to fire DeMark every three years.

But he's never gonna do it.

Because the account manager is his brother-in-law.

But, by all means, go ahead.

I hear they serve an amazing rubber chicken.

And drunk driving, Jeannie?

That's super smart.

You know your sh*t, Marty.

What do you got? What?

Colossal Foods.

Go on.

They're wide open.

Yours.

I'll give you everything you need to close them.

That's a big account.

(closes car door)

Why are you not taking them?

Daddy just closed Free Range.

That's a conflict of interest.

And why are you giving them to me?

How drunk are you?

You take Colossal Foods, I take Free Range.

We share a little intel.

Play both companies against the middle, keep them on the hook.

Forever.

Ooh.

That is... so illegal.

No.

Not the way we're gonna do it.

This doesn't change anything, though, Marty.

That's... it's...I'm not getting...

Right.

That's completely over, Marty.

This, us, we're not...

Okay, listen, listen.

Okay? I'm not getting...

I will give you a ride to Days of Hope.

If you are not fully on board by the time we get there, I'll just, you know, k*ll you and throw your dead carcass in the trunk.

(car engine starts)

That's very sweet.

♪ Show me some light ♪
♪ I won't shut you out ♪
♪ If you put on hold your doubts ♪
♪ And give me some time ♪
♪ I am not your enemy ♪