[upbeat saxophone music]
- Oscar, seagull.
- [imitates seagull cry]
Oh! Five points--
it touched your lips.
Chance, seagull.
- [imitates seagull cry]
- There you go--ten points!
Man, game over. You win.
You're the king
of the garbage birds.
Collect your winnings
off the floor.
- Dad, that's enough.
Last time I took Chance
to the beach,
he fought an actual seagull
for a fry.
- Yeah, but he won,
and we ate good that day.
- Mom, did you get
my birthday invitations?
- Yep, thanks to the printer
at work.
Oh, I also swiped
these poop bags
to put the party favors in.
- This is for you, Grandpa.
You're coming, right?
- Of course I'll be there.
We're roommates.
I think it would be
really awkward if I didn't go.
- [clears throat]
Hello. I'm right here.
- We're at full capacity,
but you're on the wait list.
- Then so is your gift.
It's ham.
- His birthday's
at the insect museum?
- Yeah.
- With all the dead bugs?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll save you
some money, Mayan.
I stepped on a cockroach
this morning.
It's still stuck to my shoe.
I'll show it to you for free.
- Do you think the museum
has ladybugs?
I always wondered
what it would be like
to go on a fancy date with one.
[British accent] Hello, milady.
Fancy a crumpet?
- And that's why
you're not invited.
You're a whole freak.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- What are you guys doing?
- Paying bills.
- Very responsible.
Got to go.
- Hold up.
Look, we know it's been hard
for you losing your home,
keeping your business afloat,
zipping up your pants
after five beers.
We're not asking you for rent.
- Whew. Okay, I'll stay.
- I'm here.
- Now I want to go again.
- I have exciting news.
Your tíasare coming to town
for Chance's birthday.
- Wait, my actual tíasor the
ladies you made me call "tías,"
like your cousins,
your coworkers,
and your favorite cashier
at Chico's?
- Mm, Janet and I
aren't speaking,
and it's up to her
to make it right.
Anyway, it's Daisy, Lily,
and Flor,
the tíasfrom New York
who travel together.
- They share one broomstick
unless they decided
to go Jet Bruja.
- Well, I've never met them.
So I hope I can make
a good impression.
- Unless your name is
Julio Iglesias, Andy Garcia,
or a Carnival Cruise Line
captain,
they're not going
to be impressed.
- I am just excited to
practice my Spanish with them.
See, I already got
my Mexican accent down.
And now I get to showcase
my Cuban one.
Ready? In Mexican, it's...
[speaking Spanish]
And in Cuban, it's...
Accent's all in the hands.
I'm going to iron my guayabera.
- Don't worry. I'll make sure
he does none of that.
- He should just speak English.
They don't like it
when people try so hard.
- Oh, then they're going
to love the dead bug party,
because clearly Mayan didn't
try too hard planning that.
Was the roadkill museum
closed?
- Hey, this is
what Chance wants.
I know my son.
- And I know how to show
that kid a good time.
So come on, Mayan,
let me plan this birthday.
Remember all the great
birthday parties I threw you?
- I threw them.
You threw up at them.
- I remember one year
you drank so much
that you passed out
in the bounce house.
- Best sleep of my life.
It's soft in there,
hugs your curves
in all the right places.
- You never even got me gifts.
I asked you for a puppy
every year until I was 14,
but the closest I got was that
woman you dated named Fifi.
- She always came
when I called her.
Good Fifi.
Mayan, if I had given you
a dog,
you would have gotten
your fill of dogs,
and then you
would have never wanted
to pursue a career as a vet,
so you're welcome.
- I wanted to be a vet
because of "Air Bud."
- I thought it was because
of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."
Come on, Mayan, this is my
first birthday with Chance.
Let me throw him
a classic Lopez backyard banger
with a bounce house,
a piñata, and chickens
that start out as entertainment
and end up as dinner.
- Mayan and Quentin
can't afford all that.
Look how they dress.
- They can't,
but you can, sugar mama.
Picture this--
a banner that says
"Chance's Seventh Birthday,
"sponsored
by Rosie La Reina's Insurance.
Se habla inglés."
You know how many people
come to a Latino kid's
birthday party?
And I can guarantee you none
of them will have insurance.
- I'm in.
- All right,
I got to go talk to Oscar.
He's got a hookup
at the party store.
Her name is Brenda,
and she's got nice balloons.
- There's no way he actually
follows through with this.
- Oh, no way in hell.
All he's going to do is hit on
that girl at the party store.
Oh, I should call ahead
and warn her.
♪ ♪
[birds chirping]
- What's going on?
You actually came through?
If there's one thing
I can rely on you for,
it's being unreliable.
- I'm adulting.
I'm an adulterer.
- I got some bad news.
I think the bounce house
is broken.
I tried blowing into it,
but it won't inflate.
- It has a motor, fool.
What did you even blow into?
- Before you start
blowing anything up,
we should check with Chance
to see if this
is what he really wants.
I'm sure he wants a bug party.
He's so excited that he started
his own bug collection,
and now I have
to burn his sheets.
- Oh, those ants are my fault.
I keep hot dogs under the bed.
Why do you think
I'm never hungover?
- Chance?
- Eh, I was just about
to do that--Chance.
- It's not a competition.
Chance!
- Then why am I winning?
Chance!
- I got a bounce house?
This party's about to be lit!
- What about the bugs?
- They're dead.
They'll still be dead next
week.
- I guess he's okay with it.
Want to see a live chicken?
Say hello to Hennifer Lopez.
- Whoa!
- Don't get too attached.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, gordo,
enjoying the party?
- It's the best, Grandpa.
- Did you do what I said?
- Yes, I got
three girls' numbers...
as soon as they're old enough
to have phones.
- And as soon as you're
old enough to get a phone,
I'll show you
how to save their numbers
as Domino's, Pizza Hut,
and Little Caesars.
- Why?
- Because when you get older,
you're going to want to eat
a lot of different pizza
from a lot
of different places...
thin and thick crust.
- Your dad and I really nailed
this party, didn't we?
- Yeah, it's great--
almost like two adult children
got high
and planned a birthday party.
- Okay, what's going on
with your vibe?
- What are you talking about?
- Mm, I can tell when
something's bothering a woman.
I have, how do you say,
women's intuition.
- Oh, Lord.
- I'm getting the feeling
that you're bummed
that Chance chose
this big party over your idea.
- No.
I want him to be happy.
If he's happy, I'm happy.
- But you don't sound happy.
- I'm having the time
of my life, menso.
- Okay, this is
women-on-women's-intuition
v*olence.
- Ay, there he is.
Quinten, this is Tía Daisy.
- Your kind eyes remind me
of my late husband, Raymundo.
- I'm sorry for your loss.
When did he pass?
- 25 years ago.
But when you wear him
in a locket around your neck,
it's like it was yesterday.
- And this is Tía Lily.
- It's actually
Mrs. Dr. Lily Rodriguez.
- Oh, are you a doctor?
- My husband is,
so pretty much.
- And my cousin Flor.
- I love your sparkly visor.
- Would you believe
I make them myself?
I sell them on "Es-ty."
- Well, Quinten does well, too.
He works
at the Apple Genius Bar.
- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.
I'm going to go
make us some drinks.
Why don't you tell them
about the time
that you fixed
Enrique Iglesias's phone.
[ladies gasp]
- Okay, so, uh,
he brought it in,
and I fixed it.
- But where was Julio?
- Can you reset
my facial recognition?
It hasn't worked since I got
stung on the lips by a bee
and the swelling spread
to my breasts.
- Sure, no problem.
- [speaking Spanish]
- [speaking Spanish]
- Déjame decirte algo...
[speaking Spanish]
[laughter]
- Oh, hey, papa.
How about you hang
with your mom for a little bit?
- Maybe later.
Right now I'm having fun.
- So am I!
- Girl...
- We're going to play
Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
Grandpa says he's the best
because he's been chasing tail
his whole life.
I didn't get it,
but I laughed anyways.
[cumbia music]
♪ ♪
- Ow!
♪ ♪
- Oh!
♪ ♪
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- Rosie, I need to tell you
something,
and it might be upsetting.
- Oh, I already know
about your inverted nipples.
- Not what I was going to say.
But update--they reverted.
I overheard the tíastalking
about you.
They didn't realize
that I understand Spanish.
- Interesting.
What did they say?
- Oh, just g-general stuff,
like how you're struggling
with business
and fashion choices and lack
of romantic fulfillment.
- So they called me a hoochie
who can't get laid?
- A broke hoochie.
Sorry.
If you hate me for telling you,
I completely understand.
- I don't hate you.
That was a test.
You passed.
- I'm sorry, what?
- I left you alone
with those chismosason purpose
to see if you would report
back, and you did.
I trust you now.
- You didn't trust me before?
Rosie, I've been with Mayan
for eight years.
- But you're not married,
so you have to keep proving
your loyalty.
If you want the tests to stop,
put a ring on it.
- It's always fun.
No matter where we start,
we always end up
right back here.
So are you mad at the tíasnow?
- Ay, no.
In our family,
chismeis our love language.
If we stop talking crap
about you,
we don't care anymore.
I say stuff, too.
Daisy's amazing husband,
Raymundo--
scam artist.
I think he faked his own death
to get away from her.
- Oh, my.
- Mm-hmm.
And Lily's big-deal doctor
husband works at the morgue.
I think he helped Raymundo
fake his death.
- No!
- Mm-hmm.
And you want to hear
the biggest shock of them all?
Flor doesn't bedazzle
her own visors.
She outsources to Thailand.
- Get out!
I mean, her visors are nice,
but they aren't even
that sparkly, right?
- Don't talk about my family.
- I thought you--
because you said--
Isn't that how you show
that you care?
- Yes, us.
But not you.
Pero...
you can help me talk to them
in my other love language--
revenge.
- Thank God I passed your test.
- [laughs]
- Just coming over
for a feelings check.
Talk to me.
This is a safe space.
- Not for you.
- Let's just be honest
with each other.
I'll go first.
Sometimes I think
about your mom in the shower.
- What?
- Now you admit that
you're jealous of this party.
- No. I'm just annoyed
that my dad has Chance thinking
that every birthday
has to be bigger and better.
So next year he's going
to expect a private party
on a yacht like he's El Chapo.
They're already
the same height.
- I don't buy it.
- Ugh.
And now his big head
is in the bounce house.
Adults aren't allowed in there.
I'm going in.
- Wait.
I don't think it's safe to go
in there with the cake cutter.
- Dad, get out of there.
[pop, air hissing]
- What the hell, Mayan?
You stabbed the bounce house!
I was going to sleep
in here tonight.
- It was an accident!
- I blew it up with my mouth.
- Agh!
Can someone get us
out of here?
- Not yet.
It's still hugging my curves.
- Look what you did.
Now I'll never get
my deposit back.
- That's Mom's deposit.
She paid for it.
- I know.
I was going to keep it.
So what gives, Mayan?
I give Chance a great
birthday party, and you're mad?
It's like you don't want me
to have fun with my grandson.
- Why does he get
that when I never did?
- Oh, so that's what it is.
- I never got to do
a piñata with you
or blow out candles.
I wanted to be spun so hard
that I stuck a pin
in a tía'sbutt.
- So I do everything right,
and you're still throwing
the past in my face.
- No!
Yeah.
It's screwed up.
I mean, you're finally
showing up for him
in ways you never showed up
for me,
and I can't handle it.
And now my kid's birthday
is ruined
because I'm jealous.
- I'll go.
You've hurt her enough.
♪ ♪
- Having fun?
- Claro que sí.
Even though the bounce house
got destroyed,
my ass got stabbed,
and this cake appears
to only have dos leches...
this has been
a beautiful party.
- Oh, thank you.
Well, it's about to get better.
Quinten has offered
to upgrade your phones...
[ladies gasp]
With the latest
top-secret technology
that only white
and Asian people get.
- I knew it!
- Yeah, you'll get reception
in an elevator, on the moon,
the third-floor
parking below TJ Maxx.
- Well, I prefer Marshalls,
but okay.
- Oh, your voice recorder
is on.
You must have accidentally hit
the button earlier.
- Oh, that's okay.
[chuckles]
I'll just delete it.
- Ay, no.
If it's been recording this
whole time, we should keep it.
You know,
as a memory for Chance
so he can listen to the sounds
of his party
and the tíastalking.
Shall we have a listen?
- Oh, no, I don't--
- Ay!
- I'm sorry.
A-a spasm.
I-it's the ghost of Raymundo.
He still like to slap my ass
from the beyond.
Ay! Ay!
Stop it, Ray!
- Really?
You'd rather destroy
a $900 phone
than admit that you called me
a hoochie?
- I don't know what you're
talking about, Rosie.
It was an accident.
Can the Apple genie
fix it for me?
- I don't know.
Let me ask.
- ¿Puedes arreglar
el teléfono?
- Por supuesto que sí.
[ladies gasp]
- El gringo e-speaks e-Spanish?
- Busted!
♪ ♪
- How's our birthday boy?
- He said it's the best banger
he's ever been to.
- It's the only banger
he's ever been to.
But I'll take it.
- About earlier...
I'm sorry about letting
old stuff get in the way.
It's really nice that you did
all that for Chance.
- Well, Mayan, you know,
not all heroes wear capes.
Some wear corduroy slippers
and knee-high white socks.
- The higher the sock,
the downer the fool.
- That's what's up.
So I get why you were upset.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I felt the same way
when my grandma was nice to you
when you were little.
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean, Mayan,
I didn't have any birthday
parties or any gifts.
I mean, my grandma said the
fact that I called her Grandma
and that she fed me was a gift
that I didn't deserve.
So I told her that I thought
calling her Grandma
was a gift
that she didn't deserve.
And she said, "Well, then
call me Doña Pow Pow."
And the rest of
my formative years are blank.
Ay,I got you something.
I got you that puppy
you always wanted.
- Oh, Dad, I--
Wait. This isn't a puppy.
This is a very small,
very old dog.
- Yeah, uh, it was a puppy
when you were 14.
Don't squeeze it too hard
because the filling
will come out like a churro.
That should be
the dog's name, Mayan--Churro.
- I think I get to name
my birthday puppy, thank you.
- What are you going
to name it?
- Churro.
She even smells old.
- No, she got
in my hot dog stash.
♪ ♪
- If I had to say something bad
about my boss,
it would be that she is...
Too nice?
- Ay.
- Is this fool for real?
- I'm sorry, my chismesucks.
- It should come natural.
- Yeah, no need to be out
here doing the "chis-most."
- I see you added some
white diversity to your coven.
Maybe you can sacrifice him
instead of one of the chickens.
[imitates chicken clucking]
- [inhales deeply] Okay.
[speaking Spanish]
Hot dogs.
- Oh, Quinten, you are
un oso chismoso.
- And your Cuban accent
is good.
- It's all in the hands, baby.
- Don't do that.
- Okay.
♪ ♪
01x04 - Lopez vs Birthdays
Watch/Buy Amazon
George Lopez, the owner of a moving company that went bankrupt is forced to move into his daughter Mayan’s house.
George Lopez, the owner of a moving company that went bankrupt is forced to move into his daughter Mayan’s house.