01x16 - Lopez vs Cheating

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Quick, it's an emergency!

Oh, my God!
What's wrong with Churro?

She ate my beer money.

She'll be fine.
There's not much we can do.

Sure there is.

You can give me
some beer money.

Who is that?

You have a man.
Don't be greedy.

This is Dr. Bell,
an avian specialist.

[British accent] I usually
just say "bird doctor."

The accent's
pretentious enough.

He's gonna be working
out of our office this week

while he preps for BirdCon.

Oh, bird con!
I've pulled that one.

Is that where you get
a dead pigeon,

you put it in a bucket
of KFC,

and then you get
all your meals for free?

No.
That's horrible.

BirdCon is like Comic-Con,
but instead of regular nerds,

it's bird nerds.

Wait, wait a minute.
So you look like that,

and all the patients
you see naked are birds?

Well, if there's anything
you need while you're here,

I'm your girl.

I mean, I'm not your girl.

I'm a girl.
Well, not girl.

I'm a woman,
and you're a man.

And this is a dog
who needs laxatives.

What?

Don't "what" us.

You were flirting
with that sexy bird freak.

No, I wasn't.

Girl, please.

You were all like,
"I'm a woman. You're a man.

You like birds.
I like kisses."

[makes kissing noises]

"If there's anything
you need, like sex..."

[laughs]
Ew, wait a minute.

We're talking
about my daughter, ew.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

Look, Mom!
Churro made me a dollar.

That's it?

You gotta squeeze her
till five more bucks come out.

Oh, God.

Quinten, can you take
Chance to wash up,

somewhere far
from where we eat?

On it.

And launder my money!

Sexting Dr. Bell, cochina?

No.
It's just work stuff.

He needs help
with his social media.

Can you believe a bird guy
doesn't know how to tweet?

Oh, that's so funny.
Oh, I should text him that.

It always starts off
as work stuff,

and then, they're all
you can think about, and boom!

You're driving to Tijuana
in the middle of the night

for penicillin and itch cream.

I would never cheat
on Quinten.

I wouldn't be so sure, Mayan.

Cheating is in our blood.

I think it's time
I told you about the legend

of our ancestor,

Tonto Tecate-Cán.

He was a charming,

irresistible,
handsome Aztec king.

[upbeat drum music]

He had a taste
for the finer things in life:

Gold jewelry

great food,
and gorgeous women.

Unfortunately,

one of those women
was his wife.

You!

Tonto Tecate-Cán.

I know
you've been cheating on me.

I'm going to ask the gods
for a divorce

and take everything you own.

Well, buckle up, bruja,

because I have
the best lawyers.

Lawyers!

Throw her in the volcano!

Oh! No!

I curse you, Tonto!

You're a cheater,

and all your descendants
will be cheaters too!

[wails]

Why do I care?

Wait, if Tonto Tecate-Cán
was the one who cheated,

then why did his wife
get thrown into the volcano?

Women weren't treated
with respect, Mayan,

like they are today.

Now shut up and let me finish.

The point of the story
is that you're cursed,

so you have to avoid
any temptations.

I love Quinten,
and I would never cheat.

I'm not like
Tonto Tecate-Cán...

both: Or you.

Stop it!
Ta loca.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[knock at door]

- Welcome.
- Hi.

- Rosie Flores?
- Mm-hmm.

I called about the basic
life insurance policy.

You said you take
non-basic walk-ins?

I do. [laughs]

Ooh, love the dress.

If we were on a safari,

everybody would be looking
at us.

both: Ow!

Oh, let's get started.

So what is your date of birth?

Uh, just put down,
"After Gloria, before Shakira."

We share a birthday.

Okay, what is
your full legal name?

It's Beatrice Perez,

but everyone calls me Bunny.

Oh, Bunny Perez.
That is funny.

You have the same exact name

as the skank
my ex cheated with.

And the same face...

and the same body...

and the same butterfly tattoo
on my lower back.

Ay-yi-yi-yi!

No!

But if you're here,
who's hosting

the hoochie convention
in Vegas?

It's called
the Stripper Summit.

It's next month in Park City.

Oh, you're being mean.

You have some nerve!

I know this is awkward.

[sighs]

I'm in AA now,

taking it one day at a time,

and one of the steps
is apologizing

to people that I've hurt.

So I'm here to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too,

that you thought
you could buy my forgiveness

with a basic insurance policy.

You could've at least gone

for the platinum
medallion package.

I know I lied.

I didn't think you'd see me
if you knew who I really was.

You're right.

Get out.

But first, initial here,
here, and here.

[upbeat saxophone music]

Mayan, great job
clipping those feathers.

Oh, thanks, Dr. Bell.

I got a lot of practice
clipping my dad's back hair.

Dr. Pocha never lets me
do this.

Well, I like the people
under me

to get their hands dirty.

Do you like
to get your hands...

dirty?

Oh, wow.

I'm sorry, Dr. Bell,

but I'm
in a committed relationship.

Well, I don't see a ring.

Well, I'm not
technically married.

Well, then it's not
technically cheating.

I guess not technically.

[serene music]

♪ ♪

Oof!

[spitting and retching]

- Oh, God.
- What's wrong?

Did you eat your pillow
in your sleep?

Babe, your teeth grinding
is getting out of control.

Uh, yeah, I guess
I just lost my night guard.

[sighs]
Just wear mine.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[upbeat saxophone music]

Have you seen Mayan?

No, but I'm available,

now, after work,
and for the rest of my life.

Just let me know
when you see Mayan.

Is he gone?

Why were you hiding
from him?

Are you playing hard to get?

Damn, why didn't I think
of that?

I had a dream
about Dr. Bell.

[whispering] A sex dream.

Ooh, dish.
Tell me everything,

but whenever you're
gonna say "Mayan,"

say "Brookie."

We kissed.

And?

On the lips!

Ew, that's not a sex dream.

That's an episode of
"Suite Life of Zack and Cody."

You don't get it.

I'm clearly attracted
to another man,

and my dad says
that I have cheater DNA in me.

Well, as long
as you don't have

anyone else's DNA in you,

you're fine.

There you are, Mayan!

Since you seemed so interested
in my body of work...

She is.

I asked Dr. Pocha
if you can assist me

at my BirdCon booth.

And I said yes!

Have fun, you two.

It's gonna be
an all-weekend flock fest.

What?
It's on the flyer.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

I'm here, and I'm mad.

You're here, and I'm leaving.

An old friend of yours
came by today.

Bunny Perez.

Bunny?

She's not an old friend, Rosie.

She's just somebody
that I had an affair with.

What is she doing here?

She had the nerve
to try to apologize to me.

I'll never forgive that sucia.

Even though the policy
that she bought

is going to pay
for my timeshare

in Puerto Vallarta.

Watch out, Rosie, okay,
because Bunny's crazy.

As soon as she found out
I was married,

she set my moving truck
on fire,

and worse, I know it was her

that signed me up
for jury duty.

Wait, Bunny didn't know
you were married?

Um... may I?

You see, Rosie,
when a man cheats,

he doesn't lead with
"Do you come here often?

I don't, because I have
a wife and kid."

So what you're saying is,
you didn't just hurt me.

You hurt Bunny too.

Well, yeah.
It hurt me too.

I mean, I went from having sex
with two women to none.

You both just lost one man.

Yeah, and I thought
I was over it,

but having to face Bunny

brought me right back
to that time,

and the pain came flooding in.

Yeah.
[sighs]

Man, I'm sorry that you're
still hurting, Rosie.

Oh, think there's
only one person to blame.

That's right. [laughs]

Tonto Tecate-Cán!

Don't give me
that Tonto Te-caca.

You need to take
some accountability.

Bunny's doing it.
Why can't you?

I am taking accountability...

for being cursed!

I'm an irresistible victim.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

Quinten, there's something
I need to tell you.

There's this bird doctor
at my office,

and last night,
I had a dream about him.

A sex dream.

Really?

We kissed...

on the lips.

Yeah, that wasn't
a sex dream.

That was an episode
of "Suite Life on Deck."

And it's totally normal.

I dream about other women
all the time.

All the time?

I mean,
half of the time.

A third of the time?

What time is it?

The problem is,
Dr. Bell asked me

to join him at BirdCon.

It'll be just the two of us,

squeezed together
in a tiny booth

at a Ramada Inn.

Well, that sounds like

a great networking opportunity.

What?

I don't think you get
how serious this is.

Look, I was reading
about how children

of unfaithful parents

are more likely
to cheat themselves.

It's in "People" magazine.
I mean, it's legit.

Mayan, I would never think
in a million years

that you would cheat on me.

I don't think you're capable.

Not capable?

What is that supposed to mean?

It means you're loyal
and you're caring.

- And--
- You don't think

I'm attractive enough
to get Dr. Bell!

What?
That is not what I was saying.

You're very attractive.

You could have a threesome
with Zack and Cody.

Cheating is just not
who you are.

You don't know who I am

or what I'm capable of!

I could be really good
at cheating.

Sure, Mayan.

You could cheat on me--
in your dreams.

Oh!

You didn't even do it
right then.

Good night.

[knock at door]

Bunny.

Thank you for coming over.

In case you're thinking
of doing something,

five people know my location

and expect me to report back
in the next 20 minutes.

Please.

If I wanted to k*ll you,
you'd be dead by now.

I asked you over
so we can talk.

[sighs]

George told me
you never knew about us.

I didn't,
and when I found out,

I ended it immediately.

I know.

Good job setting his truck
on fire

and not having it
traced back to you.

Thank you.

You should've seen the boat
I sunk in Daytona.

[both laughing]

Um... I just wanted you
to know

that you did nothing wrong.

Well, to me.

I can't speak
for that person in Daytona.

Neither can they.

You know, the less
you tell me about that,

the better.

You don't owe me
an apology.

But I do know someone
who owes us both one.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[grunts]

Grandpa, stop trying
to force that piece in.

It doesn't fit.

It doesn't?

And right now, it does.

Dad, Grandpa
is a cheater.

Hey, and one day,
you will be too.

Embrace your destiny.

I'm gonna go get some glue

to fix my 1,001-piece puzzle.

It's just three of us
for dinner.

Mayan's at BirdCon.

With fine-as-hell Dr. Bell?

You gotta stop her, man.
Have you seen this hunk?

Oh, wow.
He's handsome.

How many pictures of him
did you download?

It's not what you think, man.
I'm using him to catfish.

And not only is he handsome...

He's British, love.

No, I--no, I trust Mayan,

and I know
she would never cheat on me,

even though last night,
she said she might.

Of course she will, man!

It's something in our blood
that activates.

I think you're confusing
cheating with diabetes.

I never thought
I would cheat, but I did.

If only someone
would've showed up at 3:00 p.m.

on Easter Sunday
at that strip club,

my marriage
would still be alive!

Would it?

Mayan is more like me
than she realizes.

She got a great partner,
and she's gonna ruin it,

and I don't wanna learn
a new white guy.

Aw.

And I don't wanna learn
a new Mexican.

Nope, can't say that. Sorry.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

Mayan, great job
clipping those feathers.

Ah, thanks, Dr. Bell.

I got a lot of practice
clipping my dad's back hair.

Oh, God.
This is my dream.

Mine too.

I live for BirdCon.

And this year
is gonna be the best yet.

I made sure
to bring protection.

What?

They let hawks in this year!

Oh.

I can't believe you made me
come spy on Mayan.

Why do you have binoculars?
They're right there.

These aren't binoculars.
These are bar-noculars.

Hey, look,
she's not doing anything,

so let's get out of here
before she sees us.

She can't see us.

She's too busy trying
to get her hands

on Dr. Bell's big hawk.

I'm so nervous.

I've never done this before.

I know it's a lot to handle, but...

just relax and try to enjoy it.

See that?

He's trying to use that bird

as an excuse
to grind up on your woman!

Oh, no, I'm sure
it just looks bad.

But let's get closer and see
if it sounds bad too.

I want you, Mayan.

You can't deny that we have
great chemistry.

I have to admit, I'm tempted.

I promise you'll be
more satisfied with me.

Hey, she doesn't need
to be satisfied.

That's why she's with me!

So back off, bird man!

- Get him, White Tyson!
- Yeah!

- [groans]
- Oh!

Quinten, stop!

He wasn't hitting on me.
He was offering me a job!

Oh.

[softly] Sorry...

You know,
if you can hunt down a pigeon,

I can get us both chicken
at KFC.

[upbeat saxophone music]

Little on the nose
for a jail at BirdCon.

Security had to improvise.

Mayan, I'm so sorry.

George got in my head,

and you didn't exactly
instill confidence

when you said that you could be
"really good at cheating."

I'm sorry.

He got in my head too.

Even if we dream
about other people,

you're the only one
I wanna wake up next to.

Well, I'm sorry
that I made you doubt

what you two have.

You're not me, Mayan.

You're better.

Aw, Dad, you don't have
to say that.

I know.

[trills] Tonto, tonto.

[trills]

I taught her that.

Someone paid
for the damage you caused,

so you're free to go.

Really?

All right, let's get home,

and I will show you
a real sex dream.

Hey, what the hell?

Sorry, but they said
they'd pay me extra

to keep you here.

Who's "they"?

both: We're here!

Hey, Bunny, Rosie,
come on, let me out!

Not until you take

accountability
for your actions.

Yeah, this is
a reckoning, turkey.

You're right.

There's no excuse
for what I did

or the lies that I told.

You're both great women,
and I didn't deserve

either of you.

Really, all I can say
is that I'm sorry.

- [sighs]
- Rosie.

I'm sorry I didn't accept
responsibility sooner.

But Mayan taught me

that being faithful
is a real thing!

What?
Who knew?

Literally everybody.

I didn't realize
what I had to lose.

Well, there is a way

that you can make it up
to both of us

at the same time.

All right,
I like where this is going.

Okay, slow down.

It's going to Chico's.

And if you don't...

What kind of AA do you go to,
Arsons Anonymous?

[upbeat drum music]

[snake rattling]

♪ ♪

Mm.

Finally, my kingdom
is at peace.

♪ ♪

Tonto Tecate-Cán!

♪ ♪

How are you still alive?

Turns out you were right.
I am a bruja.

That's why I can do this!

[screams in agony]

♪ ♪

Ay!

That was a good sex dream.

[upbeat saxophone music]