[women screaming]
-To Kourtney!
-[Nicole] To Kourtney! Happy birthday!
It's so much fun to see Kourtney
like a MILF gone wild.
Oh, my God.
Someone got us walking on the beach.
-[Larsa] Are they good?
-No.
I thought, okay, I'm going on,
like, a private vacation
and then you take pictures
and if they're not, like, perfect,
people just, like, body-shame you
and criticize you.
-Everybody loves you.
-[Kim] Kanye's not going
to the Met this year.
So I feel like, should I just not go?
Well, stop worrying
about what everybody thinks.
-The Met Bala is a...
-Met Bala?
[laughs]
[Khloé] You're so hot, I can't handle it.
[Kendall] The Met Gala is a ball
that Anna Wintour and Vogue
put on every year, um, and it's for...
-The Costume Institute.
-[Kendall] At the Metropolitan Museum.
[Kim] You get partnered up
with different designers.
Every designer does their own take
on the theme,
and then there's a whole exhibit inside
showcasing pieces that are in that theme.
I don't know how we're gonna do it,
but should we cover my butt more?
[Khloé] You have the cutest little butt
I've ever seen in my life.
If I had your body,
I'm walking around in that.
No [bleep] to give. I don't give
a [bleep]. I'm just perfect.
I'm just worried about that.
If I'm not cautious...
I remember sitting at home,
just, like, on the night of the Met,
on my computer every year, just, like,
waiting to see what people are gonna wear.
Definitely, like, the biggest thing.
[Kylie] Like, I need to kind of suffocate.
We'll guide it.
We're really good at doing that.
It needs to be like this, like,
where my body looks crazy.
Like, I need to not be able
to breathe for, like...
Mm-hm. We can definitely make that happen.
-...the whole time.
-I want to be cellulite-proof.
-I want, like, a barrier.
-Right.
-Not, like, white.
-No, of course, that dress is paper-thin.
That's, like, worse than a bathing suit,
it's so thin.
To show less cellulite.
So I was just thinking, like, my pose,
I literally can't be like this,
with too much of a hip.
I have to be like this...
-Right.
-...to where I look skinnier.
Wait, is this just straight up
my underwear?
Can we make this way more...
[Kendall] This is gonna need
to be fully lined, like, fully lined.
[Khloé] Rock out with your cock out.
[Kendal laughs]
[theme music]
[cameras clicking]
-[Ariel] I can't believe it.
-[Kylie] I can't believe we're in the car!
So, you guys, I'm worried about
these heels and this dress.
I need to take it really slow.
But that's how it was the year before.
I just need to be extra careful.
[Kylie] What if I go in
and literally have no friends?
Stand in the corner?
-[Ariel] Go mingle.
-[line ringing]
Go meet people?
-[Ariel] Mm-hm.
-Go get a drink.
Have you got any lipliner?
-Hello? Hey!
-[Kylie] Hey.
Hey, blondie.
Don't. The light.
Ariel's putting this light in my face.
-You look gorge.
-[Kylie] Where are you staying?
-Are you staying closer?
-I'm staying at...
No, I'm staying all the way
at my [bleep] apartment.
I'm leaving in, like, five minutes.
-[bleep]
-Why? What do you need?
[Kylie] I'm just going by myself.
I'm [bleep] scared.
I feel like I'm so early.
No, you're not early
and I'm going by myself, too.
I think just knowing
that all eyes are on you
when you're walking up those stairs
and within moments,
people can be so quick to criticize
and say whatever,
-is really intimidating.
-It's super nerve-racking.
[Kim] Okay. Bye.
Good luck! I love you!
-Okay. I really got to go.
-[Mario] What do you want me to do?
It's past a certain time.
I pleaded with you guys
for me to start earlier.
I asked to start earlier and
-they said you guys couldn't come.
-I pleaded. I begged.
They said you guys couldn't come.
-[Kim] They said be here at 3:30.
-[Mario] Today while I was here.
I'm going to give you a spray
'cause you're so [bleep] powdery.
-No, no, no, it'll...
-Look, we need to spray a little bit.
We need to spray a little bit, Michael.
-Cover this?
-[Michael] Yeah.
[upbeat music]
-[Penelope] Mom?
-[Kourtney] Hey.
Can we go to, like, that skiing place
where it was snowing super deep?
Oh, yeah, that's Aspen.
-That was fun, right?
-Yeah.
-Remember we went in the hot tub?
-Yeah.
-[Mason] Remember that toy store?
-Yeah, where they got...
They had the trick toys,
like the fake throw-up.
-[Mason] Remember...
-Fake throw-up?
-You eat it.
-Ew!
It's like a snack.
You eat it and then you spit it up.
-[Kris] Not my kind of snack, Mason.
-[Mason] It's my type of snack.
[phone ringing]
[crowd cheering over phone]
Are you at the game?
-[Khloé] I can't hear you.
-I miss you so much, Khlo.
-You know...
-[Khloé laughs]
I'm kind of thinking that I got bamboozled
into you moving to Cleveland.
Because when you said
you were going to Cleveland,
you made it sound like you were going
to Cleveland for the weekend.
Mm-hm.
-And you've kind of gone to Cleveland...
-Mm-hm.
...for six months.
[Khloé] I can't hear what's happening.
I love you guys.
I love you. I miss you so much.
Let's do something when you get back.
-Okay, Mom, she can't hear you.
-[Khloé] Love you. Got to go.
Love you.
-I go back and forth, constantly.
-It sucks.
-It sucks for everyone, but it's also...
-I don't like it when you're gone.
I really do miss her so much
when she's not here. Don't you?
-[phone chimes]
-Mm-hm.
[Kris] Poor Kendall. She goes,
"I'm so nervous. I'm legit shaking."
Why is she?
-[phone chimes]
-'Cause she's going to do...
-Oh, my God!
-...a big red carpet.
-What?
-Kylie in Donatella.
[phone chimes]
-Oh, my gosh.
-[Kris] That's stunning.
-How beautiful is that? So gorge.
-[phone chimes]
[upbeat music]
Mario, you're getting too close
to the dress.
-What do you mean? To what?
-To the dress.
-[Mario] No, I'm not. I'm up here.
-Okay. Got to go.
-Did you grab my phone?
-I got it.
Okay.
[woman] Make sure that seam
is straight in the back.
How does the butt look?
I can't see. Oh, well.
[woman] Looks good.
-[Mario] Bye, star. Thanks.
-[Kim] Okay, guys.
[cameras clicking]
[man] Here right over here!
[Michael] Oh, it's nice and cool in here.
-Do you want to sit, or no?
-Yeah.
Or should I just go like this?
Should I just...
Yeah, like, that's fine.
I think this is fine.
Instead of standing,
I think I should literally lay like this.
-[Michael] Yeah.
-[Kim] Can we turn the air down
a little bit?
I feel like my nipples will be so hard.
-[laughter]
-[Mario] Freezing.
I always have to pee when I get nervous,
and I have to pee.
And then I think, [bleep], is that
gonna make my stomach look bigger?
[Kim] Am I getting wet marks
under my boobs?
I'm [bleep] sweating.
Do you want another one?
Yeah. Will you pass me that?
I can't move my arms.
-[Mario] You're really sweating.
-Yeah. It's, like, wet.
[Mario] Don't forget that when
you get to the carpet.
I [bleep], like, stink.
Just do this [bleep] carpet
and get the [bleep] out of here.
It's wrinkly!
[bleep] I should have been sitting
like this the whole time.
-They won't see it.
-Yeah, they will.
[Mario] We'll pull it down
when we get out.
It is. Maybe we blow-dry it out.
[man] It's really the driver's call
in case it blows a fuse.
Yeah, let's just try. Who cares...
Who cares if it blows out?
Wayne, will you put the thing down?
Don't open the door yet.
Just don't open the door yet,
but knock when it's...
-Or you can leave it open.
-[man] Okay.
Just so we know when we're there,
'cause I can't really see.
-[man] We just blew that fuse.
-[Michael] Stop.
-We're stopping.
-[man] We need to pull over.
[Kim] Is there anything to reset the fuse?
[crowd cheering outside]
Oh, my God.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
[man] We just blew that fuse.
[Michael] We're ready
to pull up in a second.
[Kim] I'm literally going
to [bleep] my [bleep] pants.
[Mario] Are you excited
with the red bottom place?
-Lord, have mercy.
-Okay.
-Mario, yeah?
-Yeah, but Mario needs to get in too.
All right, let me out.
[man] Let me know when you're ready
'cause we're ready to get out.
-[Mario] Yeah.
-[Kim] Okay.
Open it. Let's go.
-[man] Just say when you're ready.
-[knocking]
Yes, yes.
[crowd shouting, screaming]
-[Michael] Yeah.
-[Mario] Thank you.
[crowd shouting, screaming]
I was about to throw up.
[Kendall] I totally know the freak-out.
Every year it's kind of scary.
-[cameras clicking]
-[photographers clamoring]
[upbeat music]
[Kendall] When I get on the carpet,
sometimes I'm like,
"Okay, just, like, focus for a second
and really work it."
-Yeah.
-Like, take the moment and whatever.
So then, you kind of do that.
Like, I'll say things to myself, like,
"Suck my stomach in. Stick my butt out.
Chin down. Arms down this way."
-Why do we freak out?
-'Cause you want to look good.
No makeup, no filter.
See you soon.
Wait, can we wait one second?
[Kourtney] Is that Syd? I think so.
-Hey, Syd.
-[Sydney] Hi.
-Okay, thank you.
-You're welcome. Is there, like, a wallet?
-[Kourtney] I have a bag for you.
-Okay.
It doesn't say what...
Oh.
...thing it is.
-It should say that stuff.
-Oh, here, here, here.
-Right.
-Okay.
Oh, this is so shady.
I know Kourt has been out
on the dating scene recently.
[Khloé] She is planning
a little birthday surprise tonight.
I don't really know
the details of tonight.
But she's, like,
doing this whole exchange.
Like, she's putting,
like, a hotel key into this wallet.
Never known Kourtney
to be this giddy ever in my life.
I've never known Kourtney
to plan anything.
It's so cute, though,
to see her this giddy.
Just be fun.
You're, like, so [bleep] weird about it.
-Okay, okay. Okay, okay.
-Just like that.
[Khloé]
I know a little bit about this guy.
But I'm not gonna ask a lot of questions,
'cause she's super awkward.
-Don't, yeah.
-No, and she, like, will shut down...
Right, don't-ask-don't-tell policy.
Or do I put it all in the middle part?
-No, you want him to see it.
-I'm not even putting it in the box.
-You just gonna hand it.
-Put it in the box. What's wrong with you?
-Okay.
-Now it looks like you got it for free.
[chuckles]
And, like... Okay.
She's handing him what, just that thing?
He'll be like,
"What [bleep] are you doing?"
-Okay, no bow on the box, right?
-Come on, with the bow. Nobody does bows.
-Okay.
-Okay.
-All right, I'll text you the address.
-[Sydney] Okay.
Okay, thanks, Syd.
Watch, disaster, that you don't find him.
-Right?
-The whole thing's a [bleep] mess.
Or she gives it to somebody else
by accident.
Kourtney's like, "Hey!"
[laughs]
-Right.
-Okay, let's go.
I'm trying to think of what I could eat
that's not gonna make
my stomach stick out.
I have this really tight dress
to wear tonight.
-Hey! Happy Cinco de Mayo, guys!
-Oh, my God.
[Jonathan trills]
That's all you got?
It's not necessary to be late in life.
Will you read that?
You're gonna die.
[Kim] What do I say?
You should laugh, at this point.
-[Kim] Should I just write, "LOL"?
-Yeah.
-Perfect or cool?
-"LOL, I'm Kim [bleep] K."
Like, why can't you just be normal?
She's got
a real insecurity problem lately,
and you should have
a major conversation with her.
Here, Kim,
I'm gonna freaking kick you, like, stop.
You should have seen me at the Met.
If you think this is bad, Jonathan.
I was in the car, on the way there, going,
"I'm gonna [bleep] my pants.
I'm gonna die."
[Khloé] Like, what happened to you?
You know what it was, honestly?
That Mexico trip really [bleep] me up.
-The cellulite?
-[Kim] Yeah.
To say that you're not gonna know
anyone in the Met...
I know.
[Khloé] Kim looked absolutely amazing
at the Met Ball,
and even though I would hope
those pictures would give her, like,
another surge of confidence
and maybe make her realize,
"Okay, it was just bad photos in Mexico,"
it seems like the Mexico pictures
are never-ending
and I think it's just making her
think about Paris again
and that response to her being robbed.
She was being mocked and made fun of
for this really traumatic thing
that happened to her and I feel like
that only was more traumatic.
And now her having
these pictures come out,
now everyone has another reason
to kind of ridicule her and mock her.
It's one of the few times
she's been seen back out
and this is how she gets treated,
and it's not fair and it's really cruel.
[Kourtney] Do you want kids to be showered
and in pajamas when they come to you?
-Sure.
-Okay.
And then should... is six good for dinner?
-Or later?
-Yeah.
-[Kris] So you're babysitting tonight?
-Mm-hm.
-Just that?
-[Jonathan] A little more exciting.
I'm super secretive when it comes to me,
like, newly dating someone.
But I'm also not sitting at, like,
a family table,
planning little surprise gestures.
Kourtney's basically saying,
"Let me dangle this carrot
right in front of your face
and hope you don't ask me
any questions." Like...
It's a... Uh, it's very passive-aggressive.
Like, I feel, like,
"Does she want us to ask her?"
'Cause she's doing this right
in front of our face.
But then it's Kourt, so we can't ask her,
'cause she's so socially awkward.
[upbeat music]
[yells]
Yeah!
-Dunk on 'em!
-[Gabbana whimpers]
[exhales sharply]
We got a win!
I want Khloé to hear herself
-screaming like an animal.
-Oh, my God!
-Don't film me!
-[all laugh]
-[Khloé] We got a win!
-Wait...
[Khloé] Don't film me!
[Kourtney] Oh, the slumber
party people are here!
-Yeah.
-Oh, I got to see this hair of yours.
If you're wearing a hat...
-I gotta see the haircut.
-I got to see what's happening.
-[Kourtney] Let's see it. Oh!
-What?
Oh, my God, you look so handsome.
Look at the big... Oh, you're wet.
-[Jonathan] It's so much better.
-[Khloé] What happened here?
-[Kourtney] Mason, you look so handsome.
-[Khloé] Let me see the big reveal.
[Jonathan] Oh, now, there goes the...
-Oh, now this one.
-Oh, I have two?
-And Reigny!
-Mase...
-Oh, three?
-Oh!
Oh... Ooh!
-You look so handsome.
-Wait!
What?
-That's heavy.
-Yeah, what's going on with your backpack?
What do you think
we're doing here tonight?
Having a sleepover.
-Oh, he's got a sweatshirt.
-A real sleepover?
-He's got cookies.
-You brought cookies?
-Those are good cookies, too.
-Oh, my goodness.
[Penelope] It's a party.
[Jonathan] Oh, my God.
I can't look... I can't...
[Khloé] Oh, there... with your ponytail.
[Kourtney] Yeah!
Is this not an angel straight from heaven?
-Like...
-No, I'm not.
He's a toy.
-He is.
-[Jonathan] He's a toy.
[Khloé] This is the first time
I've ever babysat the kids
so Kourtney could go on, like, a date.
And I am planning to do anything
that will entertain all these kids
in a safe way, where I could still
go to sleep at a normal hour.
Oh, that smells... delicious.
-Oh, is that from your friend?
-Want some?
-[Kourtney] She told me about it.
-[Penelope] Who?
[Kourtney] Her mommy.
Did you guys have fun?
Here, give me a kiss.
See you in the morning, okay?
Okay, we'll FaceTime in a little.
Okay, bye, Khlo, love you.
-[Khloé] Love you, Kourt. Have fun.
-[Kourtney] I'll call you in a little.
[hip-hop music]
-[North] Hey, KoKo.
-[Khloé] Okay.
This is my cupcake,
then it's gonna be yours.
-Are you gonna make one for Mom?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
-[North] Pink.
-[Khloé] You should make one for Gabbana.
-[North] Dogs don't eat cupcakes.
[Khloé] Good, I was just tricking you
to see if you knew and you do.
[North blabbers]
[Kim] Mine's just gonna be
pink on pink on pink.
-Yeah.
-[Khloé] Where's Kourt?
[Kim] I don't know.
She said we can start without her.
[Khloé] Of course, she did.
North, if you want to work out,
you'll come and find us, okay?
[Kim] You want to work out, North?
She actually does like to.
-[Khloé] She does?
-She picks up the one pound and...
-All right, we'll be in the garage, okay?
-[North] This is my cupcake.
[Kim] Oh, it's gorgeous.
-[Khloé] Hey, Joe.
-[Joe] Girls, someone is missing, no?
You know, we only have control
over ourselves.
-I can't tell you where Kourtney is.
-[Kim] So, I think we will leave her
out of this one.
We can't wait any longer.
Oh, yeah! The walk of shame, right there.
-Kourtney. Did you wash your face today?
-What?
-No.
-[Khloé] I can tell!
[Joe] You can grab the weight
in front of you, ladies.
Overhead, lunges.
Three, two, one, and breathe.
-Whoa.
-Whoa.
So, what did you do last night?
We went to... um, see the swans.
That's where my blind date was,
with Tristan. How I met him.
-[Kim] No way. How funny...
-Oh, really?
Yeah, was it nice?
-Yeah.
-[Khloé] Good. I like it there.
I feel like Kourtney's always coy
about what she does, don't you?
Always. Like, doesn't say a word.
Doesn't divulge anything.
Is always just super chill.
It's really good.
I wish we were more like that.
But she just, like, giggles.
She'll look at her phone and she's like...
-Like, she's smiling from ear to ear.
-She won't pay attention to anything else.
'Cause she's just laughing on her phone.
How was last night? Did Mason go to bed?
Mason is great.
-But P...
-Mason is actually... Reign.
He was like a caged animal
that we let out for the night.
Kourtney, he rips my carpet,
'cause he was like, "Party!"
Just ripping, like, the fur.
He ripped a patch out of it.
He's literally like an animal.
-[Kourtney] He is.
-Like an Amazonian king.
[upbeat music playing]
I know that whenever I'm in town,
our schedules kind of conflict
and like, we don't get to see each other,
so I'm gonna clear my schedule
and spend the full week with you,
and we can bond
and then have... mommy-daughter time, and...
-I would love that.
-Okay.
-[Khloé] Mom.
-I'm in the kitchen making brownies.
-Do you need me to help you in here?
-Uh. No, I'm gonna bring the stuff out.
[Kris] But I'm in a hurry.
I have a meeting to get to.
[Khloé] I wanted to have,
like, you and me time.
-I could help you with whatever you like.
-All right, plug this in.
I want you to get four eggs,
and put 'em in the blender.
You're gonna have to move, honey.
Got ten minutes.
[Khloé] Bonding time on a crunch.
You talk the talk and when it's time
to get down and dirty
and let's actually spend
the quality time, you're like,
-"Oh, no. I'm busy."
-Yeah.
All right, so, we're gonna take this.
They're called Mini Morsels.
-Smells yummy.
-Okay. Put your finger in there.
There you go. Good girl.
-Isn't that good batter?
-Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm!
No!
All right. So, the oven's on
and I like to do it in the...
-In the middle?
-...middle rack.
[Kris] Okay, 22 minutes on the clock.
Okay, Khloé.
I hate to be a buzz k*ll, but I got to go.
-We still, like, 18 minutes left.
-I know, so you'll stay here.
When the timer goes off,
just whip 'em out of the oven,
let them cool, cut 'em up
and put 'em on a cute plate.
I have to wait for the brownies
to be ready 'cause you have to run out.
Sometimes things just pop up.
[Kris] That's just what happens
when you're a mom,
and you have six kids
and six grandchildren.
But you can't bring me.
You could come, but then
who was gonna watch the brownies?
Humph. Okay.
Love you. Mwah.
[squeaky indistinct chatter]
-This is almost like a workout.
-[Penelope laughs]
-[Kourtney] Let's see it, Mase.
-[Kim] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
[Joe] Push, push, push, push.
-[Kourtney] Yeah!
-[Kim] Kourt,
-do you think I look a little skinnier?
-Yeah, you do.
I've done, like, three days in a row,
an hour and a half.
-[Jonathan] Kim, let's go.
-[Kourtney] Where are you going?
-[Jonathan] Lunch.
-[Joe] Ready for the next one?
[Jonathan] Hi, Reign.
Do you remember my name?
Commercial.
-Commercial?
-What's his name?
-Commercial.
-His name is Commercial?
-Yes.
-What's his name? Jonathan.
-[Kim] Okay, Let's go.
-[Joe] Yes, that's it.
[ringtone playing]
[Kim] Hey, babe. What are you doing?
I know. They...
They posted it a while ago
and they just picked up on it.
So I said to Jonathan, "Why are they..."
And he's like, "Honestly, anything
that they find just for a minute,
they're just gonna harass you."
He's like, "You just have to, like,
cover it up and cover it up."
And I was like, "With the Met?
"Like, I thought that covered it up."
But I was, like, so annoyed.
Like, when will they stop with this story?
I guess it got so much attention for them,
they just won't let it down.
You definitely get a thick skin
once you have been through it a lot,
but pictures just keep coming out
every day and they won't let it go.
I know I can handle anything
and everything and if I can't handle it...
Who can?
[Kim] I don't want to talk about this.
I'll see you when I get home.
-Okay. Bye.
-[Kanye] All right. Okay.
-[line rings]
-Why do I even buy half these things?
-I get suckered into things.
-[Kris] Hi.
Hi, Mom.
[Kris] What are you doing?
Well, I'm trying to clean out my closet.
I feel like I do this all the time,
but I feel like I have so much crap
that I don't really wear.
Like, what are you doing?
Do you wanna come over and help me?
This is so fun to do closet time.
[Kris] I love closet time,
but to be honest,
I'm on my way to a meeting...
so I really can't do closet time today.
-Sorry, Khlo.
-What about, like, tomorrow?
Would you want to do a workout with me?
We could work out.
Like, you say you want to, like,
get your summer '17 body right.
[Kris] Yeah. I get really stressed out
because you're so much more
advanced than I am.
-Stressed out?
-[Kris] I just can't keep up with that.
And I also work out at, like, 5:00 am.
I worked out today at 6:30.
[Kris] I kind of like to do 5:00 am.
-Okay.
-[Kris] And get on the treadmill.
I'll tell you what. I got to go.
Somebody's here trying to talk to me.
So, I'll call you back
as soon as we make a plan, okay?
But I'm trying to talk to you too.
I'm trying to make a plan.
[Kris] I know, I know. I'll be right
back to you, okay, sweetheart?
I'll call you back.
I got to go take this other call.
Okay. I'll hold my breath.
-[Kris] Okay.
-Great.
[line beeps]
[upbeat music playing]
[woman] You're so cute, Reigny!
[Kourtney] Which arm would you like to do?
This is like a lab here.
-[Kourtney] It is.
-This is not a house.
[Jonathan] See, I can't watch
the needle going in,
or the blood when I get it.
For the whole process,
from when they put this on,
my eyes stay closed until it's taken out.
You've been all over the press today.
-[Kourtney]I have?
-[Jonathan] Don't play stupid.
[Kourtney] I escaped the paps.
I thought I was free.
What do you mean? You're walking
in the middle of the street.
[Kourtney] No, I escaped them, though.
Well, it was inevitable at this point.
-Yeah.
-It's all done.
-Thank you very much.
-That's it. Oh, my God.
-Can't wait to get these results, guys.
-Oh, boy.
We'll see you here next week,
same time, same channel?
Yup, another test.
Another day, another test.
[Kourtney] I'm gonna eat my protein shake.
[Jonathan] And my salad is here.
We could eat at the same time.
-Can you do your hard-core shake?
-[Kourtney] Oh, yeah.
[Jonathan] Here we go.
You should do a salad workout video.
All right, there's gonna be nothing left.
-[Kourtney] Do you want a real fork?
-Uh, yes.
I told Kanye about my dinner
and he was like, "I want to go."
And so, you think it's fine?
[Jonathan] Yeah. I don't know
why you're so worried about.
[Kim] I just am in the house so much
that I get so freaked out
if anyone, like, looks at me.
[Kim] Like, I'm nervous.
[Jonathan] I know but it's terrible now.
-Now you're getting a phobia about it.
-Oh, my god.
-[Jonathan] Like, stop.
-No, I have a full phobia.
I freak out about everything.
[Kourtney] But you know what?
It's your life and none of it matters
-what one person thinks about you.
-I go to Chrissy's house yesterday.
There's one photo of me
realizing paparazzi's there.
So I'm like this,
the worst photo of my face.
[Kourtney] That's funny.
No, no, no. I looked, like, 500 years old.
Like, my face was so ugly
and then it's on the media.
"Kim's aging.
Her face is so [bleep] ugly."
-Like, the worst story.
-[Kourtney] Don't look online.
[Kourtney] Why do you look on Daily Mail,
TMZ, Us Weekly?
'Cause that's like my life.
But I'm like, why do I subject myself
to be out and being seen?
-Why don't I just sit at home?
-[Kourtney] Why do you look online?
[Jonathan] Are you crazy?
You can't live in the house.
You're insane.
-What are you even saying?
-Yeah, but I just don't want any pictures.
Kim is really not over
these Mexico pictures.
-And I feel like this just set her back.
-Right.
[lively music]
[Kourtney] Oh, my God.
Wikipedia changed my height!
It's a big day.
-[Jonathan] Five-one you are.
-It is.
-I am five-one.
-[Jonathan] What was it before?
Five feet.
[Khloé snickers]
-Okay.
-[Kourtney] Grew a whole inch.
-Working out, green tea.
-[Khloé] Got stretched.
-You think from eating vegetables?
-[Kourtney] I think from just working out.
You got taller. Your posture,
you had horrible posture.
-That's really... what it is.
-Yeah. I still do, but it's better.
I just feel bad
that Kim is now so insecure.
[Khloé] Do you know what she wanted me
to do when we went to lunch?
Kim asked me if I could cover her back.
I said, "Why?"
She goes,
"'Cause it's so fat and so wide."
I was like, "Are you kidding?"
She literally has the body
of, like, a Barbie doll.
[Jonathan] She's been like this
in New York.
She doesn't want to go anywhere,
she doesn't want to do anything.
-I'm like, "What are you, sick?"
-[Khloé] But I get like that too
when I feel fatter, so I feel bad.
But I don't think anyone
should live life like that, and I get it.
Like, sometimes I... We all have our days
where we feel, like, ugly...
But she's Kim K.
She's like the baddest bitch in town.
-She's forgotten it.
-[Khloé] Still we all have those moments.
All she sees on her phone that comes up,
Daily Mail, TMZ.
[Jonathan] Guys, we need to disconnect her
from all social media
-for, like, four days...
-Yeah.
...so she, like, remembers how hot she is.
You can pick certain sites
that are not approved.
Right, so let's do, like,
all the "I Love Kim" sites.
-[Kourtney] Yeah.
-[Khloé] How do you delete, like, Safari?
-[Kourtney] You can't.
-You can't?
-I'm sure you can.
-Why don't...
What if we could block a word?
I wonder if we could block anything
that has "Kim Kardashian."
Let's just delete stuff for, like, a day
so she could be like her again and forget.
-She'll get pissed and yell at someone.
-Well, we don't care.
I think it'll recalibrate her.
-I don't care what she says.
-[Khloé] Whoever taught you this word
-that you're just using...
-I love it.
...is absolutely amazing.
That was me. I taught myself these words.
That's what I do. Remember "dodo"?
[Khloé laughs]
I don't.
Ooh, I act... Does cellulite...
'Cause you know what I got?
A FasciaBlaster. Fascia, Fa...
-How do you say it, Alexa? FasciaBlaster?
-[Alexa] Yeah.
It gets rid of cellulite. I'm telling you.
You rub it on your body.
It's literally the most painful...
It's upstairs.
I could show you and do it to you.
-[Jonathan] Let's see it.
-[Khloé] Will you grab it for me?
-Oh, thank you. Oh, wow. I just need one.
-Whoa.
[Khloé] You rub this on your body, like,
really hard but you got to be naked.
And it breaks down the stuff
and you should see me naked
in my bed doing this.
-It looks like a very weird sexual thing.
-But has it helped?
I've only done it a few times
'cause it kinda hurts.
Will you take your jeans off
and I'll do this to you?
-[Jonathan] That'll be really fun.
-Got a thong on just for you, Khlo.
Oh, good! Lucky for us!
No, take your jeans off! I'm not...
What do you want me to do,
put this up your ass?
Okay, well, normally, I need oil.
Can you just like...
Don't do it to me with no oil
if you're supposed to put oil.
[chuckles]
-Rub her up.
-I thought you said oil.
Okay, it doesn't work.
It's whatever was accessible to me.
[Jonathan] I got Fascia...
[Khloé] Look, there's someone's
gonna think you have the softest body.
-It does not hurt whatsoever, by the way.
-'Cause I'm not doing it hard.
When you do it to yourself...
You really have no dimples, Kourt.
-You have no... no cellulite at all.
-[Khloé] Wow.
-You're like a smooth cappuccino.
-[Khloé] Look at this.
[upbeat music playing]
-[Khloé] Mother?
-[Kris] Hi.
[in an accent] Hello, Mother.
It is our day to celebrate together.
-[normal voice] What's that face for?
-You're gonna die.
-I don't want to die.
-I feel so bad.
You're never gonna believe what happened.
So I have to leave
and go look at locations
for pop-up shops right now.
We planned to hang out together all day
and you always complain
that I'm always in Cleveland
and, like, I'm here just for you
'cause I can't hear that,
like, the guilt trips anymore.
[tense music]
The point was for us to be together.
I'm more like, you give me so much
[bleep] when I'm in Cleveland.
Like, literally, you make me feel so bad
and so guilty.
Like, I'm already away from the family.
I feel guilty.
Like, and I love being with you guys
but you give me so much [bleep].
I don't mean to make you feel guilty.
Sometimes I just miss you so much
and you're so far away.
I talk to you more in Cleveland
than I do in LA. Hope you know that.
I know. I'm so sorry.
I really am.
And I apologize, apologize, apologize.
I'm so sorry.
I do feel really guilty
about not spending time with you.
-I'm sorry, bunny.
-Pobrecita.
But it was a lesson learned.
I really want to do
something special with you.
-Can we hang out tomorrow?
-Yeah, I'm all yours.
-I'm in town just for you.
-You're just as cute as a button.
-I love you.
-I love looking like a butt'n.
It's not a butt'n. It's a button.
-A but... No.
-A butt'n. I don't know.
You were supposed
to leave five minutes ago.
For... Yikes. Okay. I really got...
Thank you, Matthew.
All right, I love you. You're adorable.
I got to go and I will see you.
Come on. Give me a little kiss.
Okay.
See? You can't do that on FaceTime.
[upbeat music playing]
-[Khloé] Oh, you look gorgeous.
-Thank you.
-Wow. Look at that bod.
-Oh, my God.
-Hot and naughty.
-Did you do your makeup today?
-Yes, I did, I did it quickly.
-[Kourtney] Looks good.
-[Khloé] Why?
-There's just too much going on.
Will you come to my closet and help me,
like, filter a few things?
Yeah.
[Kourtney] Can I use your phone, though,
to call the kids?
Because no one was answering me.
Yeah.
[Kourtney] Kim is normally not
this insecure.
If she just didn't have access
to social media
or, you know,
stopped looking at the blogs,
I think that she would start
to feel better.
I feel like one of the best things she did
for herself after her Paris incident
was she really detached herself
from the internet and social media.
I think we kind of need to step in
and do something like that,
so she realizes this does not matter
and we need to take
just that bull[bleep] out of her life.
-What are you doing? Are you cleaning out?
-Just trying to get rid of some [bleep].
-Get rid of this stuff?
-[Khloé] Mm-hm.
Oh, I think those red thermals are
the coolest thing you have in this closet.
-I mean, I...
-You're keeping this?
-I like sequins.
-But you're not...
Why did I even offer this?
[Khloé] It's probably the worst idea
I've ever had,
because now I'm being tortured.
This is Jersey Shore on another level.
-This I've already worn.
-Everyone has.
I'm like, what the [bleep]
is taking you so long?
I mean, I'm not, like, a phone genius.
Like, I can't handle being alone
-with her in the closet.
-You should've told me that.
Kourt? I need to get my phone.
-Do you have my phone?
-Hold on. Yeah, I'm not done.
What are you doing?
[Kim] Kourt? I need to get my phone.
-Do you have my phone?
-Hold on. Yeah, I'm not done.
What are you doing?
I thought you were calling the kids.
What is this? TMZ? The Daily Mail?
Blocking them?
[Kourtney] You can never go on these now.
Why?
Because you it consumes you
and it affects you.
-You deleted my apps?
-Oh, did I?
So, she tried to block me.
Yeah, but it's, like,
the healthiest thing for you.
She's doing it not from a malicious place.
She's trying to help you.
I'm not, like, a lunatic.
Yeah, but you have been letting
these things get into your soul.
Like, I don't want
to see things every day.
Like, Kendall even says
when she has, like, a problem,
she, like, erases the whole Twitter app
from her phone.
You just need to live your life
-and be happy.
-Don't you think it's good to be aware
-and in the know?
-No.
Why do you need to see this nonsense?
You can see your tagged photos
on Instagram, that's it.
-That's all you need to see.
-I look at them for news, too.
News about what?
What news are you learning?
[Kim] On The Daily Mail
is how I learn all my news.
-[Kourtney] No. No.
-Of what's going on in the world.
I don't read any news
and I'm fine and I'm happy.
I totally get,
like, how hurtful the comments are,
and it could get to you and it,
like, stays with you all day.
But out of anyone,
you've always been the one that, like,
that stuff doesn't bother you,
and you're like, "Who cares?"
Like, It's so small
in the grand scheme of life,
and these people, who are they?
And, like, today's news, like,
no one thinks about tomorrow.
I mean, you guys are right.
I do need to just, like,
let this not bother me
and just, like, not be a thing.
We were just trying to eliminate
any extra negativity from your life.
That's all we were trying to do.
I mean, I do understand that you guys
were just trying to help me.
Like, I get that.
-I don't need this negativity in my life.
-I agree.
So let Kourtney block your phone.
I'll live like this for, like, two days
and see how I feel.
And then I'll unblock you.
I'm sure you'll still weasel
your way somewhere.
Oh, my God.
-[Brittni] Hello! Welcome.
-Hi, how are you?
-Good. How are you guys?
-Good. Thank you.
-This is so nice.
-Isn't it cute?
This is so pretty.
I think it's amazing
that Khloé has come home
to spend some time with me
and I'm feeling guilty as [bleep].
-Khloé, this is so exciting.
-We're having a little date.
-Look at that little car back there.
-Yeah, you like these little cars.
[Kris] Khloé and I, we like to do
really silly things together.
-Es la verdad.
-I think it means you're horny.
Oh, my God, Khloé, stop.
[gibbers]
A walkie-talkie?
So how better to make up
than to surprise her with a wine tasting?
This is our Saddlerock Rosé and Zinfandel.
-[Kris] Nice.
-You're gonna get strawberry on the nose,
watermelon on the palate,
with a cranberry finish.
-[Khloé] Looks so good.
-Cheers.
What was she saying,
"strawberries on the nose"?
I have no idea
what that [bleep] language was.
And a "cranberry finish."
What the [bleep] are you talking about?
Mmm. Oh.
Could we also get a glass of Chardonnay?
-A wine of a different color.
-Yeah.
-Cheers to you.
-Cheers to that. I love you!
-We're having fun!
-Oh, this is so fun!
We're drinking a lot of wine.
I'm getting confused
because that's your side of the table.
[Kris] We should do prank calls.
-What?
-We should do prank calls.
[sniffles]
Hey, Siri.
No, no. Here.
-Siri! Siri!
-Hold on. Give me your...
-You got to... you can't just talk to them.
-[phone beeps]
-Siri, could you please call the hotel?
-[line rings]
[Cara] Good afternoon. This is Cara.
How can I direct your call?
Hello. Can I please
have Khloé Kardashian's room?
I don't see that I have her registered
as a guest here at the hotel.
Oh, that's wild! I think she's under a...
I don't know, like, another name.
I think it's something like Funny Bunny...
or Fred Flintstone.
That's the two that I know
she normally goes under.
Oh, my God, your prank calls,
honestly, are the best.
You have me crying.
Hi. I'm calling
from London's Daily Pastry and Cake.
I was just trying to follow up
on a story that you provided
all of Khloé Kardashian's pastries
for Thanksgiving a couple of years back.
[man] Okay.
I heard that it was
the delicious pumpkin pie.
[man] The pumpkin pie, yeah,
it's our... it's our seasonal, um,
pie that we have
at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
What else is seasonal?
[man] We also have a strawberry
rhubarb pie hat's only, uh, in stock...
it's only in season
during the summer for some reason.
I buy strawberries all year round.
Is it just the rhubarb,
-or, like...
-[man] I think it's just the rhubarb.
Okay, can I just ask you
a personal question?
-Oh, my God.
-So, how do you spell rhubarb?
[man] It's all mixed within the batter
for the pie.
-Do you happen to know of a toe-ologist?
-[laughs]
My foot is k*lling me.
[man] No, I've never heard of that.
[chuckles]
-Are you sure?
-[man] Yeah.
-Okay, well, maybe I'll ask the concierge.
-[bleep]
-[man] No problem.
-Okay, well, thank you so much.
-You've been delightful.
-[man] No problem, ma'am.
-I hope you have a good day.
-Okay. Thanks.
He gets an A
for customer service, seriously.
-He is literally needs a raise.
-The guy's delightful.
-The next time you come into town...
-Mm-hm.
...I'm gonna make a much better effort
to try to see you much more
-and clear my schedule completely.
-Mom!
I'm not tripping, boo.
I'm good,
but I get it, you're a boss lady.
-Mom.
-[Kris clears throat]
-Mom?
-Yeah?
It's two o'clock.
-Cheers to that.
-Cheers.
-[clinks]
-Cheers to that.
That's what this episode's
gonna be called.
"Cheers to That."
Oh, my God.
[line ringing]
-[Farnaz] Hello?
-Hello.
-[Farnaz] Hello.
-Same voice?
-[Farnaz] Who's this?
-Bonnie.
[Farnaz] Who?
-Hello?
-Bonnie.
[Farnaz] Ha, ha, ha...
[Farnaz] I... got to go.
Hello?
[Kourtney] On the next episode...
-What are Kendall and I gonna do alone?
-Kourt thinks Kendall doesn't like her.
I've never gotten this drunk off of wine.
I'm gonna go to Khloé's house,
totally pack for her.
This is like five animals in one,
a zebra, a pelican.
Cheesy as [bleep].
This is not the suitcase I packed.
-Everyone's worried about you.
-I definitely am out of control.
This cycle is not beneficial to anybody.
No, I don't want the kids
to see him like this.
14x02 - MILFs Gone Wild
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Reality series of the Kardashian family featuring Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and the rest of the Kardashian/Jenner clan personal and professional lives.
Reality series of the Kardashian family featuring Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and the rest of the Kardashian/Jenner clan personal and professional lives.