04x04 - Turn Down

[bunniefuu]

[ Bell dings ]

[ Wind whooshes ]

♪

[ radio chatter ]

[ Radio beeps ]

[ Radio chatter ]

[ Telephone rings in distance ]

Hey, Buzz.

"Hey, Buzz"? That's it?

Did you get a haircut? Looks great.

[ "The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing ]

Man: Ah! [ Laughs ]

[ Applause, laughter ]

I can't believe you guys. Oh, my god.

Thanks, Detective. Thank you.

Thanks. You're so sweet.

Oh, my gosh. Thanks. Thank you. Wow.

This... this is fantastic. Thank you, all.

So, Buzz, how does it feel?

I'm a little nervous, but I hope I'm prepared for the night.

Reserve Officer Watson. Mike, take a picture.

Mm. Oh!

Selfie time. [ Chuckles ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ] Man: Yeah.

Okay.

It was thoughtful of you to take Buzz on his first ride-along.

Yeah, well, hopefully I'm not so tired that I fall asleep during the fireworks at tomorrow night's game.

Well, you'll probably be kept awake by everyone thanking you for the dugout seats.

No, not me. It was Nicole.

You know, I'm so proud of my daughter.

Mm-hmm.

And this was a nice gesture on the part of her boss.

Well, she earned it.

Don't tease Buzz too much tonight.

Please.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Okay, future Chief of Police, Officer Buzz Watson, it is time for our tour of duty.

[ Applause ]

All right, I'm sorry I'm late. These damn shoes!

What the...

You... you're not taking your first ride-along with him?

You acted like you didn't wanna go.

Well, of course I don't want to.

Did I say I wouldn't?

[ Radio chatter ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

You want to explain to me how Reserve Officer Buzz Watson gets the Batmobile while we still drive a car from the '90s?

It's not for me, Lieutenant.

The entire L.A.P.D. is moving toward this vehicle.

[ Thud ] Aah!

Do you want some help, sir?

Did I ask for your help?

[ Clears throat ] All right.

Here we go. [ Pushes button, siren wailing ]

Automated male voice: This is an illegal assembly.

You must disperse.[/i]

You want me to drive, sir?!

[ Siren continues wailing, whoops ]

Man over radio: 27, I've got both the victim and the suspect here.

[ Chatter continues indistinctly ]

[ Laptop beeping ] What now?

W-what's that sound?

Incoming call.

Use the integrated tactile sensor to acknowledge it.

The tic-tac-toe-what? [ Beeping continues ]

W-where? This?

Automated male voice: Caution. Warning.

Automated female voice: System overload.

Male voice: [ Distorted ] Warning. Warning.[/i]

[ Engine sputters, horns honking ]

[ Honking continues ]

[ Horn blares ]

You know, Buzz, at the end of this ride-along, I rate you based almost entirely on my mood.

Woman over radio: 7851, a family dispute.

Domestic disturbance. The Morris Grand Hotel.

[ Laughs ] You hear that, Provenza?

Morris Grand.

Two blocks from Feinman's Deli.

You know, Buzz, the most important decision you have to make on patrol? Where to eat dinner.

Morris Grand Hotel, here we come.

[ Radio chatter ]

Hey.

Hey, that van is in our space. Get it out of here.

Sorry, I can't. The driver took off with the keys.

[ Car door closes ] Uh, Lieutenant...

When addressing the public, L.A.P.D. policy requires us to be considerate, polite...

Thrifty, loyal, brave. Yeah, we know.

Listen, Mr. Boy Scout, you are here to learn from us, not vice versa.

You know, just because you know how to drive some tricked-out Explorer does not make you a cop.

[ Chuckles ] This way.

Man: One time, wouldn't it be great to wake up without having you all over...

Buzz, what are you doing?

Reviewing guidelines for defusing spousal confrontations.

[ Man and woman arguing ]

We're supposed to use deflection, redirection, and empathy.

Job one... calm everybody down.

[ Man and woman continue arguing ]

L.A.P.D.! Open up!

Woman: Are you paying attention?!

Oh, ho. Fantastic.

Would you look at this? It's the cops.

[ Door bangs ] Thank you, Janet!

Oh, like it's my fault they're here?!

Buzz: Excuse me.

You have been screaming at me...

No, it's my fault!

For the last two hours!

It's my fault. It's always my fault!

Excuse me! We have received a complaint about your argument.

I am Officer Watson of the L.A.P.D.

And I need you to please step away from each other.

[ Under breath ] Oh, for God's sakes.

Take a deep breath... [ Exhales deeply ]

And give me your names.

Hi there, Officer Watson. I'm Stu Sloan.

And this psychotic, narcissistic...

Psychotic? I'm psychotic?

Bitch is my wife Janet.

I've been trying to get you in therapy for 10 years, but no!

Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Sloan!

See? This is her every day.

If we could please just go back to the beginning of the argument.

You mean when she first flew up here on her broomstick?

That's a long time ago.

My broomstick. Oh, that's rich, you petty, ignorant, money-grubbing son of a...

All right, that is enough!

Oh, money... one time...

In 40 years, I've never dealt with such a pair of ugly, spoiled brats.

Uh... E-excuse me?

Do either of you give a rat's ass about the other guests in this crappy hotel?

"Crappy hotel"? You wanna know how much a room costs in this "crappy hotel"?

400 bucks is the cheapest you can get...

Okay! All right! Crappy hotel!

Now, did he hit you, lady?

What?

Did either one of you lowlifes smack each other?

What? Lowlifes?

Did he just call us lowlifes?

We are not lowlifes. And no, we never hit each other.

What do you think we are? Savages?

Then shut the hell up and stay away from each other.

[ Gasps ] Or we're hauling you off to jail. You got it?

Hey, hey, hey. You can't talk to us like that.

You don't just come walking in here...

He said shut up!

Now, if I hear another word from either one of you, you're both under arrest. [ Gasps ]

You can be just as hateful to each other in a whisper.

We're gonna stand outside in the hallway for a while and see how you do.

[ Huffs ]

Jerks.

[ Gasps ] Oh!

The L.A.P.D. hopes you can settle your differences.

If you want any advice on domestic conflict resolution, please g...

Officer Watson!

Excuse me.

Look at this. You put a badge on these jackasses, and this is what they turn into.

We are gonna get a damn lawsuit against them.

They don't have any right to come here and talk to me like that!

See, Buzz, one of the things that Flynn and I have learned from our combined 70 years on the job is, get them to focus on hating you so that they will forget about how much they hate each other.

But we're supposed to ask how the fight started.

Trust me, Buzz.

That argument began with the words "I do." [ Chuckles ]

I mean, all fights between husbands and wives begin with a few basic phrases, like "you don't listen." "You're too cheap."

"You can't drive." "Your mother hates me."

[ Woman gasps ]

"Where do you think you're going dressed like that?"

"How could you forget my birthday?"

"Would it k*ll you to ask for directions?"

Se琚縭a? Se琚縭a?

"Would it k*ll you not to sleep with the babysitter?"

She's fainted. I better call an ambulance.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. No, Buzz.

Remember, the first rule of policing...

Avoid paperwork.

[ Groaning ] Look. Look, she's coming to.

[ Gasps ]

[ Speaking Spanish ] Cuando note que la Puerta del ba estaba abierta. [ Speaks Spanish ]

She says she was doing the turndown service when she saw that the bathroom door was open. q??

Mire un poco mcerca y estaba El cuerpo de un hombre en la baa!

Oh, my gosh. There's a body in the tub.

Why do people have to die on a holiday weekend? Why?

Oh, no. He's dead.

[ Chuckles ] Well, that he is.

Huh, looky here. All these little bottles of booze.

[ Groans ] You're lucky, Buzz.

When you compare notes with the other reserve officers tomorrow, you'll definitely have the best story.

su1c1de note?

More like the world's worst greeting card.

"A love like ours must have been fated, even when it's so belated."

Pour a bath 'cause I'm frustrated.

Gonna drown myself, uh... while I'm sedated.

[ Both laugh ] Where's Buzz?

And we found the body under suspicious circumstances, sir.

What suspicious circumstances? Who's he talking to?

Buzz, are you on with your watch commander?

Buzz, Buzz, don't say "suspicious circumstances."

Because if you say suspicious circumstances...

Look what I found on the dresser.

Yes, sir. Will do.

First, the hair dryer in the bathroom was extremely wet.

Well, maybe he electrocuted himself.

Then returned it to its place on the counter and got back in the tub?

Plus, the name on the card you're holding? It's Sloan!

Same name as the couple arguing down the hall.

You've said a thousand times there are no coincidences.

Listen to me, Barney Fife.

You know when there are coincidences?

On the 4th of July weekend when we're scheduled to go to the Dodger game tomorrow night.

That's when!

Now if you don't call your Watch Commander back, do you know who's coming down here?

Do you?

Doesn't read like a su1c1de note.

At least, not a good one.

I found this cell in his pants, but the screen's locked and it's password-protected.

Provenza: Yeah, we'll figure out the phone later.

Captain, look, I-I'm sorry you had to get involved in Buzz's little overreaction here, but this should not...

It was not an overreaction.

My response was based on observations of the crime scene.

And when the Watch Commander heard that I was with two lieutenants from Major Crimes...

He handed over the investigation to us, which was the right call.

What's the victim's name?

Danny Egan. I ran a background check.

Only 25, and already he's racked up a pile of D.U.I.s and court-ordered rehabs.

Now he's got one su1c1de attempt and one involuntary psych commitment.

Yeah. You see, Buzz?

This guy had been circling the drain for a while, probably mixing booze and pills.

Look what I found. A busted ukulele.

Actually, in Hawaiian, it's pronounced "ook-a-le-le."

And they're members of the lute family...

Thank you, Don Ho.

Look, this guy was trying to write a love song, obviously failed, and decided to call it quits.

Captain, the hotel manager said this room is part of a block reserved for a wedding by a Mr. and Mrs. Stuart Sloan.

Parents of the bride.

They were the couple that were arguing when you first arrived.

What were they fighting about?

Well, I-I tried to ask, but...

Typical marital spat, captain. Yammer, yammer, yammer.

Captain, I found three empty packets of Epsom salt.

I shudder to ask, but how is that relevant?

Tao: Buzz, get the lights. [ Switch clicks ]

You see, Epsom is magnesium sulfate, shows up under the ultraviolet.

See, it splashed up on the curtains, on the walls, suggesting there had been a struggle.

Buzz, you were right about the hair dryer.

It was soaked in Epsom salt, indicating that it might've been in the bathtub.

[ Switch clicks ]

Then someone put it back on the counter.

Was it not the cause of death?

It was probably meant to be, but it didn't get the job done.

See these curtain rings?

How they're bent, like they were pulled on by the victim during the struggle?

Add the empty liquor bottles wiped clean of prints.

In my opinion, this death scene? Definitely staged.

When is the wedding ceremony scheduled to take place?

Tomorrow afternoon, ma'am.

For the moment, we treat this as an accident.

We don't want wedding guests checking out early.

And hopefully we will clear this all up before our Dodger game.

Way to go, Reserve Officer Watson.

Oh, yeah.

Way... to...

[ Gloves snap ]

Go.

[ Sighs ]

Sharon: Oh, but, no, no.

There has to be somebody at the phone company who could process our request. [ Beep ]

No, not getting the passcode to the victim's cell phone till Monday means that we could lose the entire holiday weekend.

[ Taps key ]

Oh. Oh, I have to think about this.

I'll call you back.

Uh, Sharon, speaking of passcodes, I know you're not supposed to know too much about my Alice story, but suppose I got my hands on her cell phone number.

Would her messages still be there?

Uh, hypothetically, if her phone is what we call a burner or a prepaid, and there was still time left on it, then yes, you could access her messages.

Yeah, but wouldn't I need her passcode?

That's harder, yes.

Of course, if you had the actual phone and it opens with a thumbprint, the body's still at the morgue...

Oh, my God.

No, Slider destroyed her phone.

When you say that it's harder, what... how...

Uh, Detective Sanchez and Lieutenant Tao usually handle all of our phone dumps.

Ask them. I'm trying to get us to this Dodger game.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Gonna have fireworks and Dodger dogs.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

Buzz, Buzz, meet me at the morgue.

[ Door opens ] [ Dialing ]

[ Door closes ]

[ Line rings ] Hi, this is Alice.

Leave your name and number and I'll give you a call back.

[ Beep ] Automated female voice: This mailbox is full and not accepting new messages.

There was no alcohol in his bloodstream, but there was a lot of it pooled at the back of his throat.

Someone poured liquor in his mouth after he stopped breathing?

Weird, right?

As for his stomach contents, I was able to remove almost a quart of what looks like some kind of energy drink.

We'll know more when we get back the tox screen.

But he was caffeinated to the gills. [ Clicks pen ]

Could caffeine have been a factor in his death?

No. [ Sighs ] But it would mean your victim was wide awake when he was forcibly drowned, which would explain the foam and bathwater in his lungs.

Plus, the blister on his leg was probably caused by the shock from the hair dryer.

Not enough to k*ll him...

But I guess it got his attention.

[ Door opens ] I have the victim's phone, Captain.

Thank you, Buzz. Lieutenant Tao, Dr. Morales, since we've been having such trouble with his passcode, I thought we might try unlocking Mr. Egan's cell with his thumb.

Unfortunately, captain, the sensor works by reading both the fingerprint and the slight electrical charge that flows through the skin of a living person.

Yes, but what if we placed the victim's thumb on the sensor and run electricity through him?

With the defibrillator.

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want me to shock the corpse?

Yes.

Why not? He's not getting any deader.

Okay, but nobody tweet about this.

[ Defibrillator whines ]

Clear!

[ Beep ]

[ Paddles thunk ]

Holy crap! It worked!

Shortly before he d*ed, while he was in the bath, the victim's phone picked up several messages.

First from the groom. [ Beep ]

Man: What the hell kind of bullshit stunt was that, Danny?

Why'd you even show up?

Just get lost.[/i]

Four minutes later, Dana Sloan, sister of the bride, rang.

[ Beep ]

Danny, oh, my god.

I swear, you've ruined everything.

Call me. Actually, don't.

And we've got about a half a dozen messages from, uh, Lisa Sloan, the bride.

But, uh, weren't very helpful. [ Beep ]

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Too late... forever!

[ Taps keys, beep ] [ Sobbing ]

[ Beep ] What am I supposed to do?!

[ Taps keys, beep ]

[Sobbing ] it's too late!

Oh, my God. Do we have to talk to all these people?

Yes, we do.

But let's stay away from the word "m*rder."

As far as the wedding party is concerned, Danny Egan's death is a tragedy.

We are conducting "an inquest."

Look, maybe Nicole should give away our Dodger tickets to...

No, not yet. Hold on. Let's... let's see.

What? It's not my fault there was a m*rder.

Ah, you... [ mutters ]

I am still in a state of shock.

I mean, he was so alive last night, and now this?

[ Whispers ] Do you really think he committed su1c1de?

Unless you have a better explanation.

What can you tell me about his personality?

Well...

The guy was a selfish jerk.

And su1c1de is the ultimate selfish act.

I'll tell you, it doesn't surprise me.

Hobbs: Father, mother, groom, and sister.

Where's the bride?

She's in the middle of a 2-hour Brazilian blowout.

We'll catch up with her later.

How well did you know Danny Egan?

We were close in college.

But Lisa and Danny never dated, if that's what you're asking.

What was your reaction when you learned of Danny's death?

I'm not happy about what happened.

I had feelings for Danny.

They were mostly negative feelings, really...

[ Chuckles ] But they were deeply held.

She sounds honest.

After the bachelorette party,

Danny invited me to his room for what I thought was a date.

Or at least sex.

All he wanted was to talk about how Lisa shouldn't marry Brad.

[ Laughs ] I was just, you know... aah!

I think someone's off her meds.

And how did Lisa react to the news?

Janet: She feels responsible.

My daughter is so like me.

A caretaker, living for others.

How about her fiance? Brad?

Our first two years in college, it was fun and games.

But the rest of us grew up.

[ Scoffs ] And Danny, he never did.

Then why invite him to the wedding?

My daughter wanted all of her friends there.

She asked the whole world.

Each one of them is costing me a frickin' fortune.

Uh-huh.

You could live a whole year on what I'm spending on ice sculptures.

To my husband, this is not a wedding.

It's a corporate merger.

Brad's father owns this huge cement company.

Stuart's a builder.

Now these two successful companies will combine like...

"The triumphant joining of disparate souls, no longer divided, like the Russians and Poles."

Danny was both romantic and fiercely political.

It's another one of his horrible songs, like the one he wrote and sang at the rehearsal.

Oh. Did anyone record that?

The wedding videographer?

[ Off-key ] ♪ Just please, please promise me? ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Dark and deep in your heart ♪

[ strumming ukulele ]

♪ You'll keep a tiny place for me ♪
♪ That no one new can reach ♪
♪ Just promise me somewhere ♪
♪ Dark and deep in your heart ♪
♪ There'll be a tiny place for me ♪
♪ That no one new can reach ♪

♪

♪ Promise me ♪

♪

♪ Promise me now ♪
♪ Promise me ♪

[ strumming out of tune ]

♪ Promise me now ♪
♪ Promise me ♪

[ smacking ] [ Stammers ]

Woman: Oh!

[ Sobbing ]

Turn that video off!

Provenza: Well... [ Button clicks ]

We wanted fireworks.

Which the bride has supplied.

And she has a connection to hair dryers.

Let's call an end to the Brazilian blowout and let's get search warrants for the hotel.

This is gonna take forever.

Well, you know what won't take forever?

Is rating Reserve Officer Watson on his ride-along, that's what.

Let's just get this over with, please.

Buzz, bring your camera. Sykes, with us, with us!

[ Sighs ] I'm glad you spoke up.

We won't enjoy the ball game if a m*rder*r gets to walk.

Thank you, Captain.

Of course, it would be nice to go.

Right.

Right. Right.

Oh! Thank god you're here.

My daughter, she won't open the door.

We were told not to interrupt her, but I just...

Okay, out of the way. Okay, let's...

Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Hold it! Hold it!

Do I have any idea what they're gonna charge me to repair this door? I am running out of money. Here.

Ohh. Now you'll open the door.

[ Sighs ]

[ Lock clicks ]

Well, folks, looks like we're dealing with a runaway bride.

[ Telephone rings in distance ]

Hey. Uh, what are you guys doing?

Hunting down a k*ller bride so Buzz won't get the worst possible rating on his first tour of duty, and we can all still go to the Dodger game.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for some technical advice.

Oh? On what?

Breaking into the voicemail on someone's cell phone.

Why do you need to do that? It's a dead person's cell number, and Sharon said I could ask you guys about how to get the passcode for her messages.

Well, most voicemail passcodes use four digits, meaning you only have about 10,000 possible combinations.

So if you start right now, you could probably cr*ck it in six months.

Six months?

And that's mainly because most message systems will lock you out after three wrong tries, and then you gotta wait to give it another go.

But 20% of people use the same numbers...

1-2-3-4, 1-1-1-1, 0-0-0-0.

Of course, if you know something about the person whose voicemail you're trying to access...

Like what?

Names can translate to numbers. People reuse passwords.

You find one, you could find them all.

[ Telephone rings ]

Major Crimes. Captain Raydor.

She is not a criminal!

Stuart!

She just got cold...

Stuart!

She's coming back.

Just let them do their job.

I'm pretty sure she's gone, sir.

Sorry, Captain, let me move away from the argument against marriage.

Uh, Lieutenant Provenza wants me to tell you that our bride isn't in the hotel, but was apparently already in her wedding dress.

Well, then she shouldn't be hard to find.

Do you wanna wait and see if she stepped out for a walk?

No. I'll put a want out on Lisa Sloan and start dragging her credit cards.

What else do you need?

Tranquilizer darts, maybe?

For the suspects or Lieutenant Provenza?

Ha! Don't answer that.

Mike and Julio will do a block-to-block search for the bride.

Meanwhile, continue serving the search warrants, see what you can find at the hotel.

Will do, captain.

Stuart: I would get down on my knees...

Janet: If you would just let them do their job...

If you would stop and let us worry about our daughter, who happens to be missing!

Quiet!

Focus. Concentrate.

Please.

Where could your daughter have gone?

W-what do you think? We're happy our daughter is missing?

Especially knowing that we have guests coming here in three hours.

I'm calling her on her cell phone.

No, no, Mrs. Sloan, that is not a good i...

[ Cell phone rings ]

[ Ring ]

I think it's coming from the minibar.

[ Ringing continues ]

[ Gasps and screams ] Oh, my god!

Every bottle is gone! That's at least another $200!

[ Ringing continues ]

The passcode is 1-2-3-4.

Dana: I know you stole them! Oh, my god! So give them back!

Or else I'm gonna report you to El polic闉?

Who are right aqu?

No s? De lo que est? Hablando!

Okay, okay, what's going on?

This housekeeper stole my prescriptions.

No...

They were in my hotel room yesterday, and now they're gone.

Yo nunca me he robado nada en mi vida...

[ Continues in Spanish ]

She says she's never stolen anything, and if she wanted to clean up after murderers, she'd move back to Honduras.

Okay, Dana... Hey, Dana.

What medications are you missing?

Uh, well, let's see.

Uh, Valium, Ativan, Neurontin, Valium, Zyprexa, uh... Seroquel, and Valium.

And I need them. I need them.

Okay. Was there anybody else in your room since yesterday?

Just me. That is how I know that the housekeeper took them.

Mm-hmm. What about your sister Lisa?

And my sister Lisa. She was in my room, too.

You think she took my pills?

No, she usually asks.

You know, Lieutenant, if the m*rder*r tried to sedate Mr. Egan by dumping Valium into his energy drink and found a way into his room, it might've been surprising to find him still awake and lying in the bathtub.

That would explain the hair dryer and the struggle afterwards...

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Sherlock Holmes.

As you will recall, I was the first person to point out that our victim probably had been drugged.

I'll call Morales, have him focus his tox panel on variants of Valium.

We should also look through the hotel trash, see if we can find this girl's prescription bottles.

If we could print them, we might be able to still make the game.

It doesn't start till 7:00.

Yeah, and if you could ask the Captain out on your own, without dragging everyone else with you...

Dragging? It's baseball. Who gets dragged to baseball?

Uh, Lieutenant. The last call the bride made before she dumped her phone was, uh...

To me. All she wanted to say, really, was just that we weren't getting married and that I should forget about her and move on.

Oh, no, no! Not today!

She didn't mean forget about her today. She would ne...

I don't know, sir.

Once she broke Danny's funny little guitar...

Actually, it's a ook-a-le-le.

Ukulele?

No, no. Ook...

Uke?

Ook...

Uk?

Watch my lips. Ook...

Ook...

Oh, my God! Someone d*ed here!

The bride broke Danny's whatever. And then?

Then she ran out of the rehearsal crying, and the whole wedding began to look iffy.

Janet: Stu, where the hell are you?!

[ Whispers ] Oh, God. This is like a "twilight zone."

A way over budget "twilight zone." I'm coming!

If anything happens to Lisa...

Like what?

I don't know.

If she runs off with Dana's drug stash...

There was enough Valium there to stop an elephant.

Mr. Pearson, do you have a black eye?

Oh, uh... maybe.

Uh... [ sniffs ] God, is it that obvious?

Only if you're looking directly at us while you wipe the makeup off your face.

I think you oughta have a seat.

Okay.

So, Mr. Pearson, who hit you in the face?

I prefer to take the Fifth on that.

Someone told me I have the right to remain silent.

If you're a m*rder suspect.

Are you a m*rder suspect?

Did you get into a fight with Danny Egan?

We're a little on the edge of Miranda here.

Should we find you an attorney and call off this wedding?

No, it wasn't Danny.

You can't answer that unless you revoke your rights.

Thank you, Captain.

Okay, then I don't plead the Fifth.

It wasn't Danny who hit me.

It was Lisa.

But that is not like her. She almost never hits me.

Your fiance has hit you before?

Not in the head.

And she's just been so nutty about getting into her dress.

The past three days, she hasn't had anything to eat but breath mints.

[ Knock on door ]

Ma'am.

[ Door closes ]

Uh, we found the bride. Where was she?

Feinman's Deli. Two blocks from the hotel.

[ Whispers ] Okay.

We had to make some serious concessions to get her to come in for the interview.

Such as?

[ Chewing ]

Mmm.

So she has a history of v*olence and maybe some issues related to hypoglycemic rage, but all we really know for sure is she attempted to flee her own wedding, which is hardly a criminal offense.

Can you believe I was married five times?

And the thought of running away never occurred to me once.

What about your wives, sir?

According to her sister, the bride had access to the dr*gs, which made the victim easier to drown.

You have enough to hold her.

But to arrest her for m*rder? Not so much.

Sharon: I don't know yet if she m*rder*d Danny Egan, but she is definitely k*lling that sandwich.

Well, I have definitely never seen anything like this before.

I have, on the Discovery Channel once.

They showed a python swallowing a baby wildebeest.

Of course, the sandwich isn't screaming.

Thank goodness.

Okay, let's see if our bride can talk with her mouth full.

Automated female voice: Passcode not recognized.

For security reasons, this voice-mail is locked.

Please try again later.[/i]

[ Laptop beeps ]

[ Sipping loudly ]

Provenza: So, what are the odds that she'll stop chewing long enough to cop to m*rder and let us make the game?

I know what you think. I'm responsible for Danny's death.

[ Sighs ]

[ Voice breaks ] I k*lled him. I did.

And I will never forgive myself for it.

You know what? I'm gonna call Robby Oderno, see if he can file for us.

That way, we can make it to the stadium in time for the national anthem. [ Chuckles ]

So how'd you get Danny to take the dr*gs?

It was more like, how did you get Danny to stop taking dr*gs?

He loved being high.

[ Crunch ]

Um... onion ring, anyone? Anyone?

No.

No.

[ Crunch ]

So you handed Danny your sister's dr*gs?

No! He must've had his own dr*gs with him.

Obviously, he planned to k*ll himself if I didn't run off with him, which I didn't, so...

You drowned him in the bathtub.

What?! Drowning him in...

Okay, look. Is it not clear what happened?

Danny went to rehab, cleaned up his act so he could swoop in and rescue me on my wedding day.

And when I refused to go with him, Danny k*lled himself.

It was stupid, but that's romance.

Flynn: Robby, listen.

Yeah, are you still tight with Children Services?

'Cause I may have some extra Dodger tickets for some lucky foster kids.

I'll get back to you.

Tao: Ms. Sloan,[/i]

Danny Egan was forcibly drowned in the bathtub.

It was not su1c1de. It was m*rder.

So if you didn't k*ll him, why were you running away?

Because I was frickin' starving.

Oh, my god. m*rder*d?

I had no idea Brad would be that jealous.

You think your fiance k*lled Danny?

Last night, right after her told me that I couldn't run away with Danny, I punched Brad in the face, and he didn't even try to hit me back.

He just stood there, crying like a baby.

I never thought he would take it out on Danny.

Brad's so sensible.

Okay, here's an idea.

Since we still have the groom present, why don't we reunite this happy couple?

Do we still have our privacy sign somewhere?

Oh, the privacy sign.

Just a little bit of advice, Brad.

You can still save this wedding, but it's gonna take complete honesty, because if you begin the marriage any other way, it's not gonna last.

Oh, to hell with that! Brad, you say whatever it takes.

We have less than two hours here.

Look, let me go in there with him...

Hey, hey! We're gonna give them a little...

So shut the hell up.

[ Radio chatter ]

Uh, Mike, Julio?

Would you mind giving the bride and groom some time to talk entirely on their own with, uh, no one listening in?

Just to discuss what their future could be.

Oh. Privacy.

Uh, Lisa, you want me to clear some of this?

Uh, no. I may pick a little.

Good luck. Hope you guys work it out before the wedding starts.

Wow.

It's, uh, been a... rough 24 hours, huh?

Gee, you think?

Can't we just be our old, regular selves for a minute?

Please.

I know that when your blood sugar dips, you get a little emotional.

And I was sore from all the waxing.

Well, tell me about it. My back is on fire.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

When I asked you to be my wife, it meant that we shouldn't have any secrets from each other.

[ Chuckles ] What?

Hey. I agree with him.

Oh, my God.

That's part of what it means to be married.

Before we call off wedding, why don't we try being completely truthful and see if that makes a difference?

[ Breathes shakily ]

Okay, look...

I'm sorry about this, but when we were going out together our last year in college, I slept with Danny.

That's it?

So what? I did, too.

What? You slept with Danny?

Look, today isn't about the past or some experimental phase that we went through in college once or twice or six times.

Today is about our future, about looking ahead, about building a home for ourselves while constructing whole neighborhoods for other people.

Oh, God. In all of this wedding craziness, I keep forgetting about just how great our brand can be.

But you never do.

Honestly, Lisa, dead Danny can't stop us from fulfilling our destiny.

Only we can do that.

Boy, oh, boy. These two were made for each other.

[ Sighs ] It's funny. You're basically saying the same things my father said last night, only better.

Wait. What did your father say to you? I'm mad already.

You know I wasn't myself, and I called him to explain why I had to leave you and run off with Danny.

You really slept with him?

Don't obsess. Stay focused.

You told your father that you were leaving, and...

And he burst into the room, without even knocking, yelling that I was about to destroy the biggest merger since Exxon Mobil.

Well, that is not just a terrible analogy.

It's also a gross exaggeration.

And a truly awful way to treat the only child in the world that he can really count on.

The Sloans are staying in a hotel, right?

Yeah. So?

Well, how could anybody burst into her room without knocking?

Somehow or other, Brad, no matter how upset I get or how many times I fall apart, you always seem to know exactly what I need to hear.

[ Sniffles ]

Could you let them go, please, now that they're in the right frame of mind?

And... and look, let's not get so bogged down over these room keys.

I-I paid a billion dollars for a block of rooms at that hotel.

They were all in my name.

[ Keycards clatter ]

I got a key to each one. It's standard. Standard!

So why you had to read us our rights, I have no idea.

Mr. Sloan, you and your family were mirandized because we can prove that Daniel Egan was m*rder*d...

And your daughter is responsible.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daniel Egan committed su1c1de.

Well, no, he didn't.

First of all, someone drugged him.

And when that didn't work, a hair dryer was tossed into his bathtub.

And when that didn't work, his head was pushed under the water, and he was forcibly drowned.

Sounds thorough. Daddy, Lisa, does have a temper.

Don't talk about your sister that way! You love her!

Besides, Lisa does not have enough strength to drown a guy.

That's what your daughter's defense attorney will tell us.

And just to make sure that we've ruled out all other suspects... Mr. Sloan.

We're gonna take a better look at your wrist.

Sharon: And we're going to take that better look in the dark.

Janet: [ Gasps ] Oh, my God. What...

W-what... what... what is that glowing all over Stuart's watch?

Epsom salt. And it was also on the hair dryer we pulled from Danny Egan's bathtub.

I have it, Captain. I have it.

Sharon: Good job, Buzz.

You know, uh, the Sloans might like that clip added to their wedding video.

Oh! Uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say we found all of Dana's prescriptions in the hotel trash.

Oh.

So, whose prints do you think we're gonna find on all those medicine bottles, Mr. Sloan, other than your daughter's?

Or would you like to take the next hour and a half to check everything?

Hour and a half?! I have guests coming any second now!

Oh, Stu.

Stuart: Okay, I'm a father who worked his whole life to give his daughter the wedding of her dreams.

[ Clears throat ] I'm out more than 400 grand already, and, um, along the way,

I've had to make some tough calls.

And between dealing with the caterer and the florist and those photographers, and that drug addict...

I admit, I might... might... have made some mistakes.

As fathers do.

Do we really have the medicine bottles?

You have to ask?

But, and this is very important, please don't punish these lovebirds for something that I very... very possibly did do myself...

And which I will fully reveal after they're legally wed.

Nope. Not good enough.

Oh, come on! I told you almost everything!

Can't we talk again after the reception?

That all depends.

Did you enter Mr. Egan's hotel room intending to m*rder him?

Of course not.

I slipped a load of Dana's dr*gs into the gallon of Red Bull he was drinking.

When he passed out, I was gonna get the bellman to help me take the idiot downstairs to our rental van and drive him to our house.

I had given him enough Valium to sleep through the damn honeymoon.

Uh, but you knew Danny was an addict.

His tolerance level for Valium is probably as high as mine.

And Red Bull has caffeine!

To our house?

Which room were you putting him in? Not in my new solarium.

Captain, there was a van waiting at the valet when we drove up on that domestic disturbance call.

Okay, maybe there was no intent before you let yourself into Danny's room.

That's what I'm saying.

[ Stammers ] What happened to Danny, that was...

Well, that was just me running out of options.

When I showed up in the room, not only was he not out cold, but the jackass was still singing that terrible song.

I have no memory of... of picking up a hair dryer... or throwing it in the tub, or holding his head underwater till he went...

Glub glub glub.

Okay. Now we've heard enough.

Andrea, what do you think?

If he agrees to eventually write all that down, Mr. Sloan may participate in the marriage ceremony and stay through the first dance with his daughter, provided the police escort him every moment and he doesn't try to get away.

Mr. Sloan, do agree to the very generous terms offered to you in front of your family by the State and witnessed by the L.A.P.D.?

I do.

Then by the power vested in me by the State of California, I will allow you to attend your daughter's wedding, and we will go with you.

More guests?! Oh, jeez.

Hey, don't expect the steak or lobster.

It's chicken or nothing.

Oh, no, no, no.

We also have some salmon and a lovely vegetarian offering.

Dana: Do you think that there's any Valium left?

Because I only need three.

Well, Officer Watson.

Your first 24 hours in the Reserve ranks has been very interesting.

And productive.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Captain.

I hope everyone still feels that way while we're missing the game.

Oh, we are not missing that game.

[ Door opens ]

Man on TV: And as the sellout crowd takes the field for the greatest fireworks display on the west coast, let's relive one last time that amazing walk-off grand slam.

I tell you, folks, if there was only one night to be in stadium this season, maybe in this decade, maybe this century, tonight was it.

A come-from-behind victory in the bottom of the ninth with two outs, full count, and Adrian Gonzalez hits the ball deep, clearing the bleachers.

Like the birth of America itself...[/i]

Why do you have your uniform with you, sir?

Oh, um, I, uh, texted Patrice a picture of me in it, and she said that when I come over tonight, maybe I should put it on.

[ "The Stars and Stripes Forever" playing ]

Well, you know, before... [ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God. Do we have to hear this?!

It cannot be unheard.

Oh, we only have about a minute to get up to the roof before the fireworks start!

It's not gonna be like being in the stadium, but...

Yeah, but we can see it from up there.

Tao: I never give up a chance to watch things explode.

In fact, I can make a Roman candle with an empty beer bottle, aluminum foil, a household cleaner...

Up. Up. Let's go up.

Oh.

Let's go, you guys!

We'll get the next elevator. Y'all go ahead.

Rusty?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Sharon: Come on, come on. Go, go, go, go.

Provenza: Buzz, can you get me a glass of white wine?

I still taste those shrimp puffs from the wedding reception.

Um, hey, Buzz?

"Paloma." That's a Spanish word, right?

Yeah, for "dove."

For "dove." Oh.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Lieutenant, may I ask what rating you gave me for my first day on the job?

93.

That'll be higher than any other reserve officer in your class, but still leaves room for improvement, like knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

But we did end up solving a m*rder.

And that's great.

Look, I love my job.

[ Fireworks whistling and exploding ]

And you...

Why... why, I don't mind you at all.

What a compliment, Lieutenant.

I don't mind you at all, either.

In fact, some days, I even admire you.

As well you should.

But learning how to prioritize our duties in law enforcement, especially as they conflict with the Dodgers.

Well, that takes time.

Tell you what, I'll teach you when to speak up as a reserve officer, if you'll show me how to operate that great new vehicle we were in the other night.

Oh, sir, I don't think that's a good...

Now you listen to me, Mario Andretti.

You wanna keep getting good scores in the Reserves, and I want that Explorer.

It's as simple as that.

Hey, Rusty, huh? Come on, fireworks!

Yeah, just a second, Lieutenant.

Hi, this is Alice...

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