03x09 - Wingwoman

[bunniefuu]

So get this-- Belinda is saying she has fibromyalgia yet again, which means that I have to cover the Houston conference.

That is so awesome, babe.

Amy Schumer: It can happen anytime.

Oh, my God. You're not even listening to me.

Now, help is at your fingertips.

Hello?

ListenAlert, this is Katie.

Just stay calm and tell me your story.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, so I talked to HR and apparently, I have to go to Houston and I wanted to fly JetBlue, but they're making me go on Southwest.

Here at ListenAlert, our trained operators are standing by, waiting to respond to your calls, to hear how things turned out.

We're prepared with such phrases as, "Are you kidding me?"... or, "Uh-huh."... or, "She's the worst. Sounds like you handled that perfectly."

Technically, I haven't lost any weight yet, but I feel lighter.

Oh, my God, you guys. I totally forgot.

I saw Janelle yesterday.

Oh, my God. What was she wearing?

(inhales, then exhales)

ListenAlert, this is Jeff, tell me everything.

Don't leave out your feelings.

I'm on my third day of green juice, but since I'm having a salad tonight, I think it's okay.

You should have a podcast.

ListenAlert is not just for women.

So when I started high school, I was 5'10", 150 pounds, then in my junior year, I sh*t up to like 6'2", buck-ninety.

But what size shoe did you wear?

Well, that's the thing.

Like I had always had size 13s, so I was just kind of waiting to grow.

In the cases of longer stories, we'll even dispatch our agents right to you.

So there is another clutch that was 50% off, but it was a little smaller, like...

Is it more like a wristlet?

I'm having trouble picturing the size.

Help is on the way.

(phone beeps)

Were they buy one, get one or buy one, get one 50% off?

It was 50% off, but it was only in one color.

Which color?

Red.

That's a tough one.

All this is covered by a low, low price of $100,000 a month.

So it was like my grandma's house, but at the same time, it was not totally my grandma's house, like--

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!

We are not saints.

♪ ListenAlert we will not listen to dreams ♪

♪♪

So I get labeled a sex comic and I think it's 'cause I'm a woman, you know, 'cause a guy could get up here and literally pull his d*ck out and everyone would be like, "He's a thinker", but...

(audience laughing)

(cheers and applause)

Right?

Thank you.

I like never have sex, but they think of me like I walk around town just leaving like a snail trail of (bleep)

I'm just like...

You're gonna be driving home like, "Could have dealt without that one."

Hey, sis!

Hi, Jonny!

Ha, ha!

Hi.

How are you, honey?

Drew.

Hey, so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too. Come in, come in.

Lana's in the kitchen fixing some snacks.

I am so glad you're finally meeting my brother.

Oh, totally.

Amy tells me you like fishing?

Oh. Love it.

Never catch a thing, but love being on that boat.

I hear that.

Boring conversation.

Nobody cares!

No, come on.

I'm getting beers. Do you guys want beers?

Yeah, I'd love that.

Yes, I want a beer.

Thank you, darling.

Oh, man.

So Amy's said so many nice things about you.

She really looks up to you.

Why don't you cut the sh*t, man?

Wait.

Yeah.

You know why I wanted to meet you, right?

You know what this is, man.

You better not hurt my sister.

No, I--

What?

(laughs) I'm messing with you, man.

Get over here.

Oh!

All right, okay, I get it.

(laughs) No, no.

That was really convincing.

Honestly, you know what?

I guess the only rule I have...

Yeah?

Don't (bleep) my sister in the ass.

(laughing)

Actually, it's not a rule.

It's more of a fervent request.

Please don't (bleep) her in the ass.

Jon, I don't--

You want me to beg? I'll beg.

I'll beg, I'll beg, all right?

No, no.

I'm begging you, man.

Please?

Don't (bleep) my sister in the tushy, please?

She's a good girl.

She's really great, okay?

Stay out of her ass. Stay out of her ass.

Wait, are you joking? What is this?

Please-- No, I'm not joking.

Beers for my favorite guys.

Yeah, yay.

Are you all right? What are you doing down there?

Nothing, I just, uh-- Just dropped the lens.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right. You guys hitting it off?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Two peas in a pod?

Yeah.

Okay. It's good.

Good times.

You've done it already, haven't you?

No.

I can see it on her face.

No, no, no, no, no.

You did it, you ruined her.

Oh, my God, my beautiful baby sister, and you've ruined her.

My God, my God...

Jon, no--

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

No, Jon, no!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

No, no, no, just sit down, sit down, please.

Please, please, please.

Oh, my God...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

If it helps anything, we haven't.

You haven't?

No, we haven't.

Oh, God.

Thank you. Thank you.

I would never force your sister to do anything that she doesn't want to do.

Oh, yeah, she wants it.

We're from Long Island, she's gonna ask for it.

A lot.

You're from Long Island?

All right, look, man, I'm not a prude.

Okay, Amy's a beautiful woman, I get it.

You want to absolutely annihilate her other holes, you have my blessing.

Feel free to do 95 up and down Pee Street.

Hell, tear her vag a new ass(bleep), then (bleep) that ass(bleep).

Did Amy ask you to talk to me about this?

What? She's my sister.

We don't talk about sex stuff with each other.

That'd be gross.

I'm coming to you man to man.

Like a man.

Are we cool?

(whispers) Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah?

All right.

All right, so initial here, sign here, and we can move on and we can put this sh*t behind us.

Look who I found.

Oh, terrific.

Catfish sliders are taking forever.

I am so sorry.

You weren't talking about us, were you?

Oh, maybe. No.

Drew, it is so nice to meet you.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Amy didn't tell me that-- I'm sorry.

Oh, no, it's fine.

I was horseback riding a few years ago, and the horse threw me off.

My God.

Real far.

I'm so sorry.

Well, it was such a miracle that I wasn't injured, that to celebrate, Jon (bleep)ed me in the ass, and long tragic story short, I'm paralyzed now.

Yeah. Guilty.

(laughing) Guilty, he says.

He says guilty.

No!

No!

Jon, no!

(glass shatters)

Do you have a sister?

Yes.

Do you guys talk about sex?

No.

Not at all?

I don't want her to have sex, but I know she's having it.

She's in college.

Would you rather her not have sex or not have a**l sex?

I would rather her be a nun.

So then Jeff was like, "What's your excuse for being late today?"

And I was like, "I don't have an excuse, I have a reason."

Good for you.

If your body oversleeps, it's because it needs it.

Shh.

Will you stop it?

That's what got us kicked out of Guy Fieri's restaurant.

Don't say I never offered.

(giggling)

Let's move in together.

It's only been two weeks.

When you know, you know.

Yeah.

You're low-maintenance and it just feels okay.

It feels right to me, too.

Plus, my roommate's all over me about rent.

She's your stepmom. Why is she even charging you?

I don't know.

Mmm.

I'm gonna hit the head.

Check out this update, twatters.

"Moving in..."

Don't type a thing.

Amy, it's me, you.

I time-traveled from six years in the future.

How does that work?

I don't know.

How does electricity work? You just pay for it.

Now listen.

5-years-in-the-future you is gonna back and talk to you.

Wait, I thought you were from the future.

I'm six-years-in-the-future you.

5-years-in-the-future you has bangs.

Now, she's gonna come and she's gonna tell you--

If I should get bangs or not.

No, shut the (bleep) up.

She's gonna tell you not to move in with Travis.

Why not?

Because he cheats on you, he gives you gonorrhea and bedbugs.

It's a nightmare.

Oh, God, I've never had bedbugs before.

I won't move in with him.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You have to move in with him, okay?

It turns out that by being warned to break up with Travis, the things in the future get really screwed up and California is now in the ocean.

You have to move in with him.

Yeah, but bedbugs.

The lives of millions depend on you.

God, get off my back!

Huh-uh, don't chub out on me now, roomie.

I just lost about ten LBs in the b-room.

Oh.

I can't wait to move in with you.

Me too.

How about a, uh, a celebration beej?

Travis, I think, um--

(mouthing)

Um, will you excuse me one second?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Gross.

I don't want to hear about that sh*t.

What's going on?

You gotta go give him that blowj.

What? Why?

If you don't mouth-hug his yogurt g*n, it turns out things get even worse and Ebola knocks out all of France.

How could that possibly be connected?

I don't know, it just is.

Your relationship is somehow the butterfly wings that destroys the course of future events.

Go get under that table!

No!

Ahh!

You don't need to do that.

Oh, thank God, I hate giving blowjobs.

You do have to k*ll Travis, though.

What the (bleep)?

I'm not gonna bother explaining, because we're both stupid, but here, take this.

You have to k*ll Travis.

Like this?

No, just hold it like a person.

Hold it like a human person.

(sighs) Now?

Go!

(whispers) God, this (bleep)ing idiot.

I can't k*ll someone who's willing to sleep with me.

She's gonna get kinda fat. You gotta break up with her.

What?

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

I'm not gonna get fat, you're gonna get fat.

Amy! Don't freak out.

I'm from the future.

You have to break up with Travis.

He totally breaks our heart.

Oh, my God, I look so great with bangs!

I know, right? Ahh!

(squealing)

If you could travel back in time, would you k*ll h*tler?

Probably.

What if he was very young?

Are you asking like the minimal age I would k*ll h*tler at?

Yes, yes.

So you're saying like five years old, maybe younger?

Five years old, full 'stache.

He had a 'stache at five?

Arm band.

I'd do it.

Little hand out.

I'd k*ll the five-year-old h*tler.

That's very sweet, that's very sweet.

Well, no, I don't read, but it's books on tape.

Like "50 Shades of Grey" prequel.

Oh, I didn't know there was a prequel.

Yeah, there were like nine, it's super cute.

Oh.

Caroline... I am so happy to see you.

I haven't seen you in forevs.

I know.

You know?

It's been so long.

Right?

Ever since Greg put a ring on it.

And I'm just like out of the loop.

I guess that's what happens.

How's Zack?

Did you guys set a date yet?

You should do exactly what Greg and I did.

Destination wedding, middle of nowhere, New Year's Eve, nobody's bummed to get that invite, everybody's psyched.

Actually, Zack and I broke up like six months ago.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Yeah.

It was kind of rough 'cause we were living together, and then his mom got really sick.

You need to (bleep) him out of your system.

He's got your clam on d*ck-lock and you just need to find a new key to undo your combination, do you know what I mean?

No.

I am gonna wingwoman you.

I've never been a wingwoman before.

This is my chance.

Oh, my God, we're gonna have so much fun.

Hey, you're cute. Hi, hi there, hi.

What's your name?

Oh, hi, I'm Chris.

Oh, my God, Chris. That's so hot.

This is Caroline, Caroline, this is Chris.

Hey, how's-- How's it going? (mouthing)

It's good. How are you?

What do you do, Chris? You're so strong.

Are you a trainer? Feel his bicep.

Oh, that's okay.

Actually, I do accounting in a law firm.

Not with those abs, you don't.

So what do you say, Chris? You gonna train us?

Will you give us a special two-for-one rate?

You know, I could train you, in accounting.

(laughing)

Isn't he amazing?

So, uh, what do you do?

Oh, sh**t.

I'm gonna text my husband.

Okay, you two talk, okay?

(mouthing)

So, she's married?

Uh, yeah. She...

So what kind of accounting do you do?

Whoo! Where's Chris?

Did you blow him?

No, you know what?

I think he was actually really into you.

Yeah, right. I'm totally married, ew.

You're the hot single one.

This wingwoman isn't stopping until I hijack some guy's (bleep) and get it to just cram right into your landing strip.

Ehh, ehh. (giggling)

That was a plane.

Ew.

You don't have to do that, okay?

We kind of have different styles about this, really.

No, I do, I feel so bad.

I knew Zack was cheating on you the whole time.

Wait, what?

Look what I found.

Derek, Caroline. Caroline, Derek.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure.

Oh, my God, sparks, sparks, sparks.

(chuckles) You're gonna love Caroline.

She's hot, she's funny, she's flawless, she woke up like this.

She's sexy like all the Kardashians, but with Scott Disick's whip-smart attitude.

Ashlee Simpson voice, O.J. Simpson strength.

She's Casey Anthony hot, but with no baggage.

Amy told me that you had a radio show back in college, is that right?

I'm sorry, are you mad at me for telling him?

It was like this world music.

Wait, let's play a game, okay?

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Give me your hand.

Mm-hmm.

Guess where your finger is right now.

Is that...?

My (bleep). Oh! Okay.

Okay, guess what song I'm squeezing to.

Sure, okay, this is...

Um, Maroon 5?

Yes!

I got it?

"Soul Sister"!

Caroline, don't you love how good he is at this game?

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's good, good job, girl, play hard to get.

I'll keep him warm for you.

Guess where your finger is now.

Eyes closed. Make a fist.

(gavel banging)

And you're certain it was these two women who cursed your husband?

They're not women, they're witches!

(crowd shouting)

woman: Ask him yourself!

John, tell the judge what you told me.

Well, last week, I was walking home past the tavern of their employ.

And I glanced in for a mere moment and I was struck by their dark witchcraft!

(crowd gasping)

I know not what happened next.

He returned home near sun-up, dark welts on his neck.

crowd: Oh!

woman: And then, tell them the other thing.

Out with it!

My member hath been cursed!

(crowd gasps)

Since happening past their tavern, I've had a fiery pain in my shaft upon evacuation and an immense itching down there that cannot be satiated no matter how oft I scratch!

Night after night, these sirens call him in his sleep, luring him into their dark confusions.

Burn them! Burn the witches!

man: Burn them!

Burn them!

(gavel banging)

My husband had the same affliction after meeting with these two.

And mine.

Tell them, James, tell them.

I patronized their tavern a month ago and since that night, my plow has been riddled with pox.

(crowd gasps and groans)

A red raging pox!

(crowd gasps and groans)

Which one, um...

Bewitched you?

The one on the left.

Yeah, the one on the right got me.

Noice.

What was that, sir?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they got me, too.

These two put such a big hex on me that I got a harrowing thrash of redness down there.

I can no longer glorify the Lord with hand congress 'cause of you two.

Oh!

I know for a fact these women are witches.

crowd: Witches! Witches! Witches!

One, they're completely hairless down there.

man: That's true!

And two, they're left-hand dominant.

I mean, they're pretty good with both, but they're especially good with their left!

(crowd groans)

How do you know of this, Lana?

Oh, they use their Satanic voodoo to send me visions of their shorn mounds in my dreams!

Don't you mean nightmares?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Black magic!

(crowd shouting)

(gavel banging)

Silence!

Goody Amy... and Goody Baddy.

After hearing these charges, I have no choice but to find you guilty of witchcraft.

(crowd exclaiming)

I hereby sentence the both of you to be b*rned at the stake until you are dead.

Oh, no!

(gavel banging)

Any last words?

(whispering)

woman: Witches.

(crowd hissing)

(whispers) Witches.

(hissing continues)

(gavel banging)

Let them speak.

(whispering)

Oh, oh, that's delightful, mmm.

Yes? (whispering)

Oh, heavens.

Oh, thunder and brimstone.

Uh, upon further review of new evidence, I've deciding we are sentencing them to a private--

What's called a private burning, where all of you people leave now, and us three, it's a private ceremony.

Please, get out. Get out.

What part of "out" don't you get, the O, U, or T?

I want to start this burning as soon as you leave.

James!

James!

What? I'm under a spell.

So, Dina, you used to be Amish?

Yes.

How long were you Amish and living that lifestyle?

24 years.

Wow. But you still dress Amish.

Yeah, sometimes I do.

So you still like sometimes wanna rock it?

Yep.

What was your guiltiest pleasure when you were Amish?

I like the Three Stooges.

They've made some new comedies, though, since then.

Yeah. (laughing)

How old were you when you had your first drink?

I would say I was 29, maybe?

What was it?

A Mike's Hard Lemonade.

(laughing)

Did you like it?

Yeah.

There you go.

How's the equality between men and women in the Amish community?

The women are-- They all have their roles.

Raise the children, ten to 15, 20 kids.

I was in a family of 14.

And what type of wheelchair was your mom in?

(laughs) Right?

What would a typical day be for you?

Get up in the morning--

What time?

5:00.

Go milk a cow by hand.

What's that cow's name?

Uh, could be Judy... Chelsea.

Did you have favorite cows?

Yes, the ones that didn't kick.

(chuckles) Have you been kicked by a cow?

I have.

g*dd*mn it.

How did you end up with your husband?

How did you meet him?

Like where did you see him for the first time?

Actually on the road.

Yeah?

He stopped his horse and buggy and picked me and my younger sister up.

Did he ask you out? Like what happens?

I played hard to get.

You did?

Yeah.

What'd you say? You were like, "I'll think about it".

Yeah.

(both laugh)

And then what?

Have you ever heard of bed courtship?

No.

They date in bed.

In...

What's that?

In bed. (laughs)

You got that?

I did get that, courtship.

They didn't have sex.

But you hang out in bed?

Yeah, we just talk and rock back and forth and...

Rock back and forth?

Yeah, kind of like holding each other.

Hold each other and you kind of like rock?

Yeah.

Side-to-side or front-back?

Side-to-side.

How long did you bed courtship without sex?

We got married... a year after.

So you guys were just rocking in that bed for a year?

Yeah, yeah.

So how does everybody stay in such good shape?

'Cause you never see like a-- Like fat-ass Amish person.

You don't?

I don't think so.

Were there a bunch of tubbies when you were there?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Um, what's something that nobody would ever guess about Amish people?

That they are rude.

That Amish people can be rude?

Yeah.

(both laugh)

Do you have any questions for me?

How old are you?

33.

Really?

Yeah. Zero kids.

Mmm.

It's relaxing.

Do you ever want kids?

Maybe.

Or maybe I just want a Pomeranian.

(both laugh)

(screaming)

(giggling)

(crew laughing)

director: Cut, cut.

Amy: So easy.

man: Mmm, magic.