04x16 - Bad Hair Day

[bunniefuu]

Okay, here's the number for poison control. Ask for Carol.

Honey, we're gonna be fine.

Enjoy your reunion.

It would be a lot more fun if you were there.

I really am sorry about that. I just can't miss the chance to bowl on Jay's team.

Mmm.

That's why I ordered these Glide Rights.

If you break 'em in properly, they're supposed to give you a completely frictionless-

[Groaning]

If I'm being honest, the reunion might be a little more fun if Phil isn't there.

Otherwise, I spend the whole weekend telling him who's who... and explaining inside jokes, and if all that explaining is going out, the alcohol is not going in.

Hey, Mom, before you go, you have to sign this for school.

You don't have to read it.

It's all boilerplate.

Honey, I am running really late.

Ask your dad. [Kisses]

Right here, buddy.

[Grunts]

I have to get a letter signed because I failed my assignment on the Revolutionary w*r.

I re-created the Battle of Bunker Hill using one of my old science projects.

Seemed pretty revolutionary to me.

The brave patriots made their way up the hillside, prepared for whatever the devious redcoats might inflict next.

[Scoffs] Now you work?

So, Dad-

One second, buddy.

The salesman said when you're breaking these shoes in, it's easier to move side to side.

Son of a g*n. He was right.

What do we got here?

[Grunts]

♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey♪
♪

Jay: I've waited a year for this day- the annual trade association scratch bowling tournament.

Last year we lost to our biggest rival.

Frazier had Ali.

Pritchett's Closets has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.

It's a stupid name, but those cats can bowl.

Ay, I knew the pancakes will bring you down.

Just coffee for me today- black, like I feel on the inside.

Ay, Manny, please.

It was only one bad audition.

No. Three bad auditions: the fall assembly, Phantom and now the Spring Sing.

I'm a disaster.

You're always so dramatic.

Dramatic, Mother?

I am sure Cam is gonna call you today and give you the solo.

You're always so hard on yourself.

Remember that you said that you didn't have a face for hats? And?

[Mumbling] I look great in every hat.

I can't hear you.

I look great in every hat.

Well, enjoy that while it lasts.

I had a pretty good hat run, but then I saw a photo of myself from the dude ranch.

I looked like Reba at the Grammys.

[Chuckles] I see that you found the fur.

Yes.

Uh, you wouldn't happen to have a feather boa, would you?

Are you wearing that to your Oscar party?

No, Manny.

We're not clichés. Cam's decorating the party with photos of Lily... dressed as different starlets from the-

We're clichés.

Hey, Gloria, look what I found in my bowling bag.

Second place prize in last year's tournament.

A spa day.

Ohh!

Oh, but it expires today.

Oh, sorry.

I just wish that I could use this, but today's the nanny's day off... and I have a million things to do.

I have to buy diapers.

I have to go pick up the stroller.

I have to go to the doctor.

I hate wasting this, but I just don't have any time today.

Yes, I would have loved to go to the spa.

But having a baby has changed completely... the way that Jay's family look at me.

I am not anymore just Gloria that has her hair done, Gloria that goes to the gym.

Now I am Gloria the new mother, the "I don't know how she does it" lady.

If the feather boa is not here, it's at my cousin's.

I will go get it after the doctor, after the pharmacy, before the baby store, okay?

Honestly, Gloria, I don't know how you do it.

Ah, I found it.

Yes!

Help me.

Careful.

[Groaning]

Gloria, are you all right?

Ay, I told you to help me.

I am so sorry.

I twisted my ankle.

Sit down right here.

I don't have time for this.

You-You can't walk around on that all day.

No, I'm good. I'm good.

No.

I will use... the baby carrier as a- as a cane.

Okay?

O-Okay.

[Grunts]

[Shutter Clicking] Hold that.

Hold that. Good. Good.

Now smolder. Smolder.

Perfect. Perfect.

[Door Opens] Let me guess.

You couldn't remember if I said "boa" or "baby," so you brought both.

[Groans] Gloria hurt herself, and it was kind of my fault, so I offered to watch Joe.

Oh.

Can I take a break? I want to be alone.

Okay, where was that attitude when we were doing Greta Garbo?

Okay, fine. Take five.

[Singsongy] Hi, baby Joe.

Why don't you just sit a spell?

We're just makin' pictures.

Why are you being all Missouri?

I don't know. I guess I'm excited to go back to the farm.

Is it that obvious?

You said "dagburn" at breakfast.

Have you booked our tickets?

I'm not sure if I can get off work.

Yeah, but you have to get the tickets before all the good seats are taken.

You mean the ones that aren't on a plane to Missouri.

Okay, sweetie, break's over.

It hasn't been five minutes.

Yes, but it has been five animal crackers, which is five too many to eat on a sh**t day, so-

No more! I quit!

Oh, my gosh.

What has gotten into her?

We've been doing this for six hours.

All of a sudden she doesn't love it?

You know, I have a theory.

Okay.

We're only halfway through all the pictures that I wanted to do.

Light bulb. Hello, baby Joe.

[Joe Fussing]

Well, you might as well be a dead hobo... in the woods of a small town after a rainstorm, because you have just been discovered.

I'm looking less and less forward to this trip to Missouri.

Hey, handsome.

Can you sign this?

You don't need to read it.

Never do.

Right there.

[Cell Phone Rings] Oh, quick.

Nature's surefire sunburn remedy.

[Beeps] Aloe?

[Both Laugh]

Hey, Jay.

Super excited about our big match.

I dreamt about it last night.

Guess what. We won!

Phil, I like you too much to sugarcoat what I'm about to say.

You're off the team.

Good one. Loosen me up with some pre-match humor. I like it.

No, I found somebody better-

Rudy Sorrenson. He's in. You're out.

[Chuckling] Hilarious.

Sticking with the bit.

I love that this is our relationship now.

This match is too important, and you're a wild card. I'm sorry.

Jay, I'm not sure I like where this is headed.

Phil, this is nothing personal.

It's bowling.

No, no, no. I get it.

[Object Clatters]

Listen.

Um, I should get going.

[Voice Breaking]

My allergies are starting to cry.

[Phone Beeps]

[Beeps]

[Rings]

[Beeps]

Hey, Gloria, I was just about to leave.

What's up?

Manny just texted me.

Did he tell you the news?

Yes. Wonderful.

We'll celebrate later.

No. He didn't get the solo.

I think he's very upset.

Aaah! My glove. Where are you?

At the doctor.

He's checking my ankle.

Jay, I think you should try to cheer him up.

Why don't you take him shopping?

Gloria, my match is at 5:00.

I have a ritual.

I walk the lanes. I play two or three warm-up games.

He's fine.

I'll let you talk to him.

Darkness, please.

Oh, sh**t.

He's out in the pool.

What do I have to do to make you go away? Sing?

I'll have him call you back.

My life is a musicless gray hellscape.

Wow. Well, this doesn't look like anything shopping can help you with.

It's worth a sh*t.

Sorry I was so indecisive back there.

I'm out of it today.

Well, you got what you want, and that's what today is all about.

Turn that frown upside down. Now, you're gonna take this 15 local to get home.

Keep both your hands tight on that bag because it goes through a few sketchy blocks.

You're not driving me? Well, you kind of used up your drive time... deciding between those identical belts.

Okay. It's just hard, you know, Jay?

I mean, I've never been a quitter.

Well, new chapter for you.

You got any change?

I mean, I always imagined I'd be a performer for life.

I guess some dreams you just have to give up on.

Know when to fold 'em. Here's a 50.

Someone will have change.

I can't sing, period.

What am I thinking?

The 11 goes right by the house, and there she is.

Now, text your mom when you get home.

Good luck with your bowling.

Thanks, kid.

[Bus Door Squeaks]

[Bus Drives Off]

Yes. Yes.

You've had my dad's baby for 45 minutes, and he's already in a dress.

Okay, Lily, I think we're ready for our most important setup-Miss Shirley Temple.

Here.

Oh, wow.

You're an even better assistant than you are a model.

I don't care.

Well, that came through in her modeling.

[Lowered Voice] Our daughter.

I know, but it just hurts, Mitchell.

It's the first one of our things that she's outgrown.

But isn't it great that we've raised her to have opinions and interests of her own?

But this early?

She's still so dadgum young.

Is that another Southern thing, or are you just trying to remember her Vietnamese name?

Oh, my gosh. This thing is stuck.

What?

How-How could it be?

It is stuck.

Mitchell: Oh.

I glued it.

[Gasps] Wha-Why-Why would you do that?

Because the Jane Crawford wig kept falling off him.

It's Joan Crawford. 'Cause that's what's important here.

It's glued to his actual hair.

Okay, Lily, this is bad.

This is very, very bad.

Sorry. I was trying to help.

Okay, well, I should've seen this coming.

I replaced her with somebody younger, and she sabotaged Joe's sh**t out of sheer jealousy.

Maybe she does have what it takes to be a model.

Can you-

[Man On Car Stereo] ♪ And as funny as it may seem♪ [Horn Honks]

Sing.

What?

I've heard you sing in the shower.

You sing in the car with me.

You never miss a note. Your problem is doing it around people. Sing.

You want me to sing now?

Yeah! It's all in your head.

When you get over that little stage fright, you'll never choke an audition again. Sing!

[Off-key] I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet That's not singing.

att*ck it!

A pawn and a king I've been up and down and over and out And I know one thing What's that thing?

Each time I found myself flat on my face Yeah, now you got it!

I pick myself up and get back in the race Get in that bag!

I know you want to!

That's life Sing it to me, baby!

That's what all the people say [Woman Laughing]

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Is that Janie Gibbs?

Yikes. Her skin looks like crumpled tinfoil... you try to smooth out and use again.

Remind me not to get old in front of you.

[Chuckles] I don't even see the kids' faces anymore.

I know them by the decals on their laptops.

Professor Cooke.

Mmm.

Still the sexiest man on campus.

Wanna know a little somethin'?

You dated him?

[Gasps]

How did you know that?

We were so careful with that secret.

You wore an oversized tweed jacket to breakfast... and called my Rabbit convertible "bourgeois."

Well, it kind of was.

We were so jealous of you.

He was so hot, jogging around campus in those dolphin shorts.

And that wasn't even why I was with him.

It was his mind.

You know those people who make you feel smart just by being near them?

[Sighs]

I watched you guys once.

Claire? Claire's friend.

He remembers me.

Hello, Professor.

Both: Mwah! Wow.

[Giggles]

It's so good to see you.

Clearly, the academic life agrees with you.

Well, I guess we're all doing pretty well. Mm-hmm.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Here's looking at you two.

Were you always like this?

Claire?

Claire: Oh, my God.

No way.

Tater! Oh, my gosh!

[Kisses]

I heard you're hugely successful.

Yeah, well, when all the hot girls call you "Tater," you tend to try a little harder.

Adorable. Adorable!

[Laughing] You're adorable!

Claire! Honey! Hey.

Hi. Phil!

What are you doing here?

Uh, your dad dumped me from his bowling team, so I thought I'd surprise you.

Um-Okay. Wait.

Come here a second.

I- I thought you'd be happy to see me.

I am. No, I am. I'm happy.

Is something wrong?

[Sighs, Groans] It's just-

It's a little bit embarrassing.

The guy that I dated right before you is here.

Well, that's nothing to be embarrassed about.

We all have exes.

So the guy you dumped right before you met me is here. No big deal.

[High-pitched Voice]

Well-

[Normal Voice]

He might have dumped me.

I thought you said you'd never been dumped.

Well-Maybe one time.

So he dumped you, you healed completely, and then you met me.

Well-

I've regretted throwing away things way more beaten up than Claire.

So if this campus Casanova had thoughts of reclaiming her-Guess what, hotshot.

Legally, I still own her.

Man, I always wondered who'd be lucky enough to marry the beautiful Claire Pritchett.

[Chuckles]

No luck involved, hombre.

She saw, she liked, she got pregnant, she had to.

Hey, stop hogging this guy.

I haven't seen him in 20 years.

My Tater.

Look, I've got to run.

But I'd love to have you guys by my apartment for a cocktail before dinner.

We are totally doing that.

We might have to go back to the hotel for a while. No, no, no.

That's what this weekend's for- having a laugh, meeting new people.

I don't wanna miss any of it.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

And I don't miss much.

[Water Running]

[Knocking]

Cameron: Close the door.

You're letting the steam out.

Is the wig coming loose? Oh, yes, Mitchell.

It's completely off his head.

We're just staying in here because there's nothing babies and big guys love more... than 100% humidity.

My God, do you realize what Gloria's gonna do when she sees this?

She punched me when I got Manny that henna tattoo.

And not the side-of-the-hand way that I do it.

[Water Stops]

This had rings and knuckles.

Don't worry.

I'm working on a plan B.

Or should I say plan Bieber?

No! Huh? No, I just gave him a little bit of a haircut.

Give me the baby.

I know.

That's the great part of my schedule.

We make it to Europe almost every summer.

But I'm sure you guys travel.

Well, honestly, I don't think I've been anywhere without a waterslide in 15 years.

[Both Laugh]

That's funny. She's mentioned Esther, Dougie, Tripp, Afro Judy-

The name "Tater" has literally never even come up once in the last 20 years.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

I was madly in love with her for four years, and I was basically invisible until the day I choked on that Tater Tot.

Wait. I-I-I thought you were her ex.

I wish.

[Laughs]

[Laughs] So, Phil, are you here all weekend?

[Groans] No.

That's too bad. I was gonna suggest some activities.

The Palmer Center's doing a wonderful retrospective of impressionists.

Oh, that is a shame. That's a field I know quite a bit about.

Ah.

Phil, no.

You can see the influence, can't you, of the, uh, early impressionists- the, uh, Rich Littles, the Frank Gorshins- on the Jimmy Fallons, if you will.

He meant the painter kind.

Yes.

Freshen your drink?

No. No. Not done.

You'd know if I was finished with something, and I'm not. Oh. Hmm.

Oh, just the one then.

Claire: Yeah.

What are you doing? I'm sorry. Did I embarrass you in front of your ex-boyfriend?

Yeah, I know about that. Because I told you.

You can't seriously be jealous.

Well-

Phil, it was 20 years ago.

Rein it in.

Come on.

You're embarrassing me a little.

Fine. But do you deny that part of the reason... you wanted to come back here by yourself is that guy?

I'm not even sure it's a bad thing, Claire.

We all wonder about the paths we didn't follow, but you can admit it.

[Stammers]

Well, you can't be mad at me if I do admit it. I won't.

[Grunts]

Well, I'm not admitting it- because I couldn't be happier than I am in my life with you.

But-

I mean, maybe a tiny part of me... just wanted to sort of peek through the window... and see the life that might have been.

[Door Opens]

Never get tired of those three flights.

Maggie!

Say hi to everyone.

[Clattering]

In a second, angel.

Mama's had a day.

Huh.

Oh, I thought that was the bedroom.

You're in the bedroom, honey, and the living room and the study and the gym.

Hmm. But anyway, listen to me.

I'm being rude.

How is everybody?

How's things?

Not too bad.

No, I'm literally asking you how is it to have things.

[Clears Throat]

♪♪ [Techno, Muffled]

Oh. Yep. Right on schedule.

Keep it down, you hoodrats!

Maggie, you were once a student.

I remember. That's when I boarded this little rocket ship to the moon.

[Clears Throat]

Ah.

Wow.

Phil, wait. Thank you.

For what?

Everything.

I'm not sure how that guy got to be a professor.

He'd have to be pretty stupid to dump you.

Aw! Hey, the party's starting, and there's a really good-looking guy I was hoping to do a little dancing with.

Do you mean me?

Yes.

Wait. Before we go, are there any more exes I should know about?

Honey, what do you think I was like?

Hey, Claire Pritchett.

Hey, Dean Stoller.

Super quick story.

All right, it's not too late for plan C.

We drop the baby and run.

What? No.

You have to tell her what you did.

You scalped her baby.

I had to cut that wig off.

What did you expect me to do?

He keeps pulling his hat off.

Okay, well, you could've let me do it.

I have 32 hours of Vidal Sassoon training.

What? I left the program over creative differences. Shut up.

[Door Opens] Hola.

Hola.

Hola.

Oh, there's my little angel.

How was he?

Uh, th-there's a funny story here.

Gloria, forget about that baby... and check out this one!

[Laughing] You b*at Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets?

We destroyed them!

And it's Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.

What did I say?

We went through this for a half hour yesterday.

I can't do it again.

Nope. You're gonna have to tell her.

What? Why? Because she has two new rings.

That's gonna take the meat right off the bone.

Okay, Cam. You take the fall for me, and I will go with you to Missouri.

I'll even go for a whole week.

Make it 10 days.

Okay, fine. But I don't wanna meet anything on Monday that I'm gonna eat on Friday.

Oh, well, that's gonna happen.

Oh, my perfect angel.

You got this. You're good.

Ay. [Kisses]

Gloria, do you remember that chafing dish I lent you a couple months back... that you returned with a chip in it?

Every time that Luke comes over, he takes things out of the attic and leaves them just ever here!

Oh. Yeah.

Well, you know, funny thing about that chafing dish is it was my grandmother's-

[Growls] and it was given to her-

Luke!

[Exhales]

Oh, hey, Manny. Glad I ran into you. Listen.

I'm gonna give you the solo.

Really? You must have heard what happened to me today.

I feel confident now, and I know I could-I don't care about any of that.

I just need you to tell your mom that you gave your brother Joe a haircut, okay?

No problem.

How bad could it be?

Aaah!

Anyway, I heard you need a letter from school signed.

I kind of nailed my Declaration of lndependence replica.

Forged every signature with this pen.

So-

Stop. We have a deal.

I'll say I cut the baby's hair, and you give me that cool pen.

What? No, no. That's not what I was gonna-

Deal's a deal.

A thief, Lily.

That's who ate my last piece of cake... that my mother send me specially from Colombia.

It helps you make the milk.

Such a cool trophy.

[Chuckles]

Say, how did that new guy, Rudy Sorrenson, do?

He was great.

It's funny how he has the same name... as one-time pro bowler Rudolph Sorrenson, which would be against league rules.

Well, I'd find it funny.

Jay, hurry up. You have to take the kids to the movie.

And why does the baby still have that hat on?

He's going to burn up.

Gloria, I have a confession to make.

I gave Joe a haircut.

It's bad.

Why would you do that? My dad used to cut my hair when I was a kid, and I thought it'd be a nice way for the baby and me to bond, but I just made a mess of things- like I make a mess of everything.

[Sighs]

Let me take a look at this.

¡Ay, dios mio!

[All Yelp]

Dad, why would you do that to your own son?

He's just a baby.

Plus you ate that cake.

Okay, enough.

Leave him alone.

He could have invented some crazy story, but instead he decided to tell the truth.

That's what families do.

Cameron: Yes, it is.

Gloria: Okay, go. Go, go, go.

Uh, Lily, sweetie, we're leaving. Come on!

Gloria: I know that they expected me to go all Colombian crazy, but this was just another opportunity for me... to show them that I was not the superficial Gloria that I used to be.

Plus, I was very relaxed after the day I had.

Aaah!

Jay: Where are you?

At the doctor.

He's checking my ankle.

What? Did you think I was gonna throw away a whole spa day?

[Sighs]

I'm coming, Fulgencio!

[Grunts]

Why am I doing this again?

Dad'll get a kick out of it. Like when we were young and used to wear his shoes.

Now get up and take a few steps.

[Sighs]

Did Dad ask for this?

Luke: No, but he'll love it.

Maybe dance around.

Okay, now jump.

What kind of video is this?

I've got to go to work. I'm sorry.

[Shoes Hit Floor]

Okay, thanks.

What the hell?

[Thuds]

Finally!