06x11 - The Day We Almost d*ed

[bunniefuu]

It was an uneventful morning... quiet.

[Indistinct arguing]

Instead of saving every episode of "the bachelor," why don't you just hit yourself on the head with a sledgehammer?!

Dad, turn down that song!

[Hall & Oates' "I Can't Go For That" plays] - ♪ no can do ♪

The kids had a Friday off of school, so we picked up Manny and went to our favorite pancake place...

Relaxing.

Mitchell, hi.

What?!

Oh, have him tell Cam I'll pick him up for racquetball in an hour.

I can't even hear him it's so loud.

Can everybody just shut up?!

I hate it.

[Music stops]

Sorry about that. Anyway...

[Cellphone ringing]

Hello.

Gil: Hello. Is this Phil dumpster?

What do you want, Gil?

Got to be kidding me. Hang on.

[Gil speaking indistinctly on telephone]

I need you to send a gift to mom for her birthday from the both of us.

Mitchell: No, I did it last year.

I know, and I need you to do it again.

Look, I've got a conference call at 1:20.

Then Luke's tutor comes to the house, 2:45 sales meeting, and I still got to get Alex to Judo.

And yet you somehow found time to bitch at me.

Wow! You really can have it all.

Ugh. Honestly, just get her a stupid gift card, you big baby!

You're back in second place with your favorite view. Ugh.

Why does everything with him have be so dramatic?

[All screaming]

[Breathing heavily]

Why are we stopping?

[Sighs] Hey.

Hey. Oh. Perfect.

Okay, first you berate me on the phone, then you show up to my office and berate me in per...

Oh, w-what is this?

I don't care for this.

We got in an accident.

Oh, my God!

We almost got in an accident.

That seems like a really important distinction.

There was this big truck, and it barreled through a stop sign, and it missed our car by inches.

Oh, my God! And everyone's okay?

Yes, just very shaken up.

Aw.

But, Mitchell, I am so sorry that I yelled at you before.

It's fine.

Look, I brought you the birthday card for mom, and you can sign it.

Okay. Thank you.

"To our best friend."

Mm.

That's a little sarcastic.

It's her birthday.

I don't know.

No, I mean it.

Mitchell, I almost d*ed.

I want our mom to have a great birthday.

Oh, and we're doing this again.

Okay.

Oh, God. Yeah.

Hi. I'll be there in a sec, yeah.

[Cellphone chimes]

Okay, my deposition got moved up.

That's great.

So I'll just have to move everything... you know what?

I'm gonna eat in the car and then...

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Give it, give it!

Do you know what I was doing right before I almost d*ed?

Exactly what you're doing.

Humoring a relative?

No, no, scheduling my life down to the last minute.

I mean, look at this...

"Call New York office... 4:17 P.M."

[Sighs]

Do you realize that everybody but us rounds up to the nearest five minutes?

Today made me realize something, Mitchell.

No, I don't want to be a 4:17 kind of person.

Do you?

Yes, I do.

'Cause that phone call needs to be done by 4:23 so that I am not a dead man by 4:41.

Give me my phone.

Nope. Nope. No.

Give me... Claire.

We're gonna do something together.

Yes, take the rest of the day off.

I can't do that.

Yes, you can.

I did!

Yeah, 'cause you work for your father.

No, no, no, we need this, Mitchell.

Hey, come on, give me my...

We really need this.

Claire, I'm really swamped today, and I...

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease...

Stop. Just go.

Pleeeeease can we slow down?

Ow! You're chafing my wrist.

Don't pretend you're not loving this.

Okay. All right. I think I just skated through some pee.

[Sighs]

C-can we go back now?

No!

God.

No, because we are not appointment-making control freaks.

We are having fun.

You are. I'm just doing what you're making me do.

[Sighs]

Okay, okay, stop.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Let's go back, let's go back, let's go back.

Why? Why do we have to go back now?

Why... oh, I get it. I get it.

You're still scared to skate through the underpass.

What do you mean, "still"? What do you mean, "scared"? What underpass?

Mitchell, you were 11 years old, and mom made me take you with me when I was skating with my friend Sophie King, and you were terrified to go through the underpass 'cause it was dark, and you were sure it was filled with monsters, so we ditched you.

I don't remember this at all.

Yeah, I skated away and called you a big baby.

Sophie threw a rock at me and you yelled, "you're so gay."

[Gasps] I did do that.

Oh, didn't I?

We used to use that word a lot.

You used to be able to call anything gay. Ugh.

Do you ever miss that?

No.

No.

That's hurtful.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Mitchell.

You were scared, and I should've held your hand through the tunnel, and I was...

I was not a good big sister.

I'm so sorry.

Will you forgive me?

Yes, yes.

You do?

Yes! I forgive you.

I love you.

Love you, too.

Love you!

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Yes, let's do this.

Come on.

What? What's happening?

No, no, no, we're going...

We're going through the tunnel.

No. God, no. No, no, no.

Oh, no, you got to get over this.

No! All right. Okay.

Just let yourself go.

Just let it go. Just... you know?

[Breathes deeply]

Yep. I'm good.

Uh, yeah, you got to get past it.

N-n-no. No, no! No! N-n-no! Claire, no!

N-n-no! N-no!

I felt bad when we got separated, but I knew that when he skated out the other side of that tunnel, an emotional scar would've been healed.

Mitchell?! Mitchell?

No! N-no! N-n-no! N-no!

Oh, my God! What happened? What happened?

It w... it was terrible!

Yes.

They took my wallet and my skates and my tie.

No.

What... what homeless person needs a tie?

Oh, my God. I am so sorry, Mitchell!

Okay, um... Can you give me my phone?

'Cause I got to, you know, cancel my cards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God.

I hope you have juice.

That thing has been buzzing like crazy.

Oh, God! Okay.

Okay.

My meeting's been pushed up.

It's in 15 minutes.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Look at me. Look at me.

Huh? Yeah.

Hey, hey.

This is a test, and we don't sweat the small stuff.

Just let it go.

Stop it! Stop it.

I know you think you discovered the new you, but you are controlling even when you're trying to not be controlling.

So j... give me your skates.

What? Why?

You've dragged me so far, we're closer to my office than we are to the car.

Take 'em off!

[Clicks tongue] He just wasn't ready.

But me?

I had a message for the small stuff that used to rule my life.

Hey, Phil. Honey, how you holding up?

Phil: Good.

So, I'm at the beach... Long story.

Anyway, I was hoping you wouldn't mind waiting at the house for Luke's tutor.

Actually, I would mind.

I'd mind quite a bit.

I'm kind of busy.

Okay, great.

Suck it, small stuff.

[All screaming]

Haley: [Breathing heavily]

Why are we stopping?

For many, a near-miss with death is a wake-up call.

But when a man misses his own near-miss, he truly sees what he's been missing.

No more putting my dreams on hold.

Five years ago, I made a bucket list.

It was time to start crossing things off.

[All screaming]

[Tires screech]

Scariest moment of my life.

[Whimpering]

Ohh. Oh, my gosh.

I thought I lost you!

But amazingly, something great came out of it.

I found out how my sister truly feels about me.

Girls, are you sure?

Positive. We'll walk home.

We almost d*ed.

Yeah.

A-about what you said in the car...

Please don't make fun of me right now.

No, I would never. It was actually really honest.

And I need to stop taking sh*ts at your intelligence.

You don't do it that often.

Well, you miss a lot of it.

[Scoffs] Oh. There, I did it again.

Did what?

Uh, it doesn't matter.

I always considered you to be this self-absorbed person, but you're more substantial than that, aren't you?

Thank you. [Chuckles]

You know what? I'm blowing off Judo today.

Let's hang out.

What should we do?

Makeovers.

[Inhales sharply] Okay.

Great!

We're gonna walk right past my waxing place.

Say goodbye to that gal stache.

[Laughs]

Ow. Ow!

If it were easy, everyone would be hot.

Yep, you know, I-it's not just my feet.

It's from when I walked into the stop sign because you wouldn't give me back my...

Okay, fine. I'll give you back your man-goggles.

Here. [Sighs]

I just thought we might run into some cute boys on the way home, but it's probably best we didn't.

That's a pretty angry lip you got there.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Wow. Does everybody's get this red?

Well, you had quite a bit of growth.

I was gonna have that lady take a cr*ck at your arms, but she had already sweat through her apron.

Oh, my gosh!

I already have 100 likes on my picture of my new nails.

Um, FYI, I'm... I'm sort of in the background there, screaming mid-wax.

400 people liked this photo.

I was not one of them.

My art teacher made a pithy "blue period" comment, and my top prom prospect suddenly found a girlfriend in Canada.

Do you think I could get my sneakers back?

Ohh, I threw them away with the rest of your clothes when you were in the changing room.

I thought about saving them for the housekeeper, but I couldn't remember if she had a son.

Look, I've tried really hard to put up with a lot since...

What's going on?

Oh, I just had so much fun with you!

We don't do this enough.

I just wish there was something that you could teach me.

Uh-huh.

[Gasps]

Wait, what about your Judo stuff?

Uh [Scoffs] you're not interested in that.

No! No! I am! Come on!

Karate-chop me or something!

[Chuckles] That is not...

Okay. All right.

Let's just do one simple move.

Okay.

Now, this won't wrinkle my top, will it?

Ohh!

Wow.

That was actually fun!

Show me one more time.

Oh, no!

Oh, my gosh. I thought I lost you again.

[Smooches, sighs]

Wait, wait, wait. Back up. Again?

Oh, yeah, when we almost got k*lled, I thought I lost my phone.

It was really scary.

Mentos-pramp-climb, test number two.

Lesson learned... when pressure builds to dangerous levels, it must be released.

Is your lip getting better or your face getting redder?

[Grunts angrily]

Just gonna pop into the family room.

What the hell was that?!

Oh, I'm just getting started!

Ohh! Why do you have to be such a silly...

Haley, stop!

Both: Mom!

[Alpaca bleats]

Phil, honey.

♪ I can't go for that, no, no can do ♪

I was already on edge.

The day before, I was with my mom at the park when some guy on a bike swiped her phone.

He must have been a criminal mastermind.

He struck the one second she wasn't taking pictures of Joe.

The worst part is, I saw him grab it.

I had a chance to do something and be a hero to my mom, but I froze.

What would you have done, made him the subject of a satirical cartoon?

Hey! Uh, they've taken down presidents.

Now, can you just support me here?

There are only so many moments a son has a chance to...

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Very mature.

Pick a fight then tune me out?

[Indistinct arguing]

It's not bothering me.

Stop it!

Dad, turn down that song!

♪ No can do ♪

[All screaming]

[Tires screech]

You sure, Manny?

Positive. I-I'll walk home.

Haley: We almost d*ed.

Alex: Yeah.

White.

Yes, I'm sure.

Why is it so hard for you to imagine that a criminal can be white when most of the...

Ah, the bicycle.

Yes, yes, it was white.

I thought your phone got stolen?

This is Joe's phone.

This is why the t*rrorists hate us.

The universe is cold and unfeeling.

The only constant is chaos.

Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

We were all almost k*lled by a truck.

[Gasps] Ay! ¡Dios mío!

Are you okay, papi?

This was all Phil's fault, wasn't it?

He's always blaring that damn new wave music!

No. He swerved to avoid it.

Saved my life.

But the game of life is rigged.

Death always win.

Okay, I know what you need right now...

A trip to the ice-cream shop.

He doesn't need ice cream.

He needs to talk about what just happened to him.

Well, I could go for some ice cream.

I know how to fix my son.

So, this is fixed.

[Horns blaring]

Go around.

Normally, I'd be avoiding these cracks out of respect of your back, mom, but after today, it seems pointless.

That's it. Get in.

Gloria: No, no.

No, Jay, he's afraid!

It's only gonna get worse.

In. Trust me.

Five minutes in here, he'll be happy as a clam.

Aah! Mama!

Calm down.

This was a bad idea.

Hop out.

Good for you, Jay. It has to be when he is ready.

Nope. He's driving.

What?

What? I-I can't.

You're doing it now.

Jesús, take the wheel.

He's terrified to be in the back.

Now you're gonna put him in the front seat so that he can k*ll all of us?!

Can you not make this fear worse?

I watched Dede coddle Mitchell when he was afraid of the dark.

Till he was seven, he'd only blink one eye at a time...

Gave a lot of girls a very wrong idea.

[Door-ajar signal beeping]

Manny, you don't want to do this right?

No, I really don't.

Okay, papi, you know what?

Let's switch.

I'm going to drive.

I've got a bombshell, mom.

Ay, papi, thank you, but this is a very weird thing to say when we're in this position.

No, I've decided I'm never driving.

Uh... unh-unh-unh-unh! No way.

You there. You there.

We're doing this my way.

Ah, yeah, 'cause it's your way or the highway.

Oh, God. Not the highway.

You always want me to be his dad.

Well, I'm being his dad.

Oh, uh, I-I'm really scared, Jay.

This is what we're fixing.

Look, when I was a kid, I lived by a big, scary black lake.

I always thought there monsters in there and whatnot.

One night, my dad dragged me out of bed and tossed me right in that cold water.

I was never scared of that lake again.

Now, give it some gas.

[Breathing heavily]

[Gasps] Mama!

Aah!

That's another habit I wouldn't mind breaking, but, you know, right now we... have to...

Oh, what am I doing?

I hated my dad for that.

I ended up scared of him, not the lake.

Manny, it's okay.

Over there! On the bike!

The white guy that stole my phone!

I don't see anyone.

Yes! He just turned the corner!

The phone burglar!

He's getting away!

[Sighs] Not this time.

Up there to the left!

[Both screaming]

I don't see anyone!

I didn't see anyone either.

I made it up.

I am not going to drive my son around until he's 40.

The only thing stronger than Manny's fear is his need to protect his mama.

Oh, no! He got away!

But you did very good, Manny.

That was a frickin' rush!

But we're not giving up.

We're gonna find that guy.

No!

Are you sure about this?

Just go. I'm walking home.

Claire: I can't even hear him it's so loud.

Can everybody just shut up?!

[Cellphone ringing]

Hello.

Gil: Hello. Is this Phil dumpster?

Stop.

What do you want, Gil?

Got to be kidding me. Hang on.

Is that your hot wife I hear?

Hey, is she still taking those yoga classes?

Hanging up.

W-w-wait. Wait. Real quick.

The listing at 225 cedar street, it's mine now. You poached my listing?

Poached it, seasoned it, and covered it in Thorpe-andaise sauce, my friend.

You should thank me, dumpy.

You're back in second place with your favorite view...

Ugh.

...My sweet behind.

Why does everything with him have to be so dramatic?

[All screaming]

Why are we stopping?

[Breathing heavily] Ohh.

Oh, my God! I thought I lost you.

[Sighs]

What's to tell?

A truck runs a stop sign, I avoid it, everyone walks away...

Bing, bang, no boom.

Um, there was a truck!

Haley: That was crazy!

Okay, okay.

Where did it even come from?

You don't see that truck...

Everybody calm down.

Calm down. Let's not overreact.

What?!

Dad!

We were almost just k*lled!

Yes!

Exactly. Almost, which means we're all just fine.

You aren't the least bit upset?

It's gonna take more than that to ruin a morning that started with a whipped-cream smile on my waffle.

Okay, it may have affected me a little, but sometimes it's hard to know what you're feeling.

Mostly, I was thinking about racquetball later and hopefully giving Cam a nice spanking.

Fair warning... may be working out some anger issues on the racquetball court this morning.

Don't ask.

Sounds good.

So, we're getting our new dryer delivered.

It's supposed to be eggshell, but, oh, it's not eggshell...

It's white.

Anyway, I'm laying into the delivery driver, and Mitchell strolls in and says, "oh, it's fine," and then offers him a piece of his banana loaf.

I heard that.

Uh, just once, I would like Mitchell to take my side.

I'm constantly strolling in and saving him like a little princess in the tower.

Sometimes I'd like to be the princess.

Six of one, right?

What?

Why are... Why are we stopping?

I'm... I'm very confused, Phillip.

Trust me, this house is gonna sell at Thorpe speed.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Phil. I guess you heard. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, it happens all the time.

I just stopped by to give you guys a little care package to show you there's no hard feelings.

Class act, dung beetle.

Here's the malpractice attorney most of his clients have used after he's ripped them off.

You will be losing some sleep, but these have always helped my wife.

And this priest is retired, but I think he still does exorcisms, which you'll need after today.

Listen, Phil...

It's okay.

It's sad, really, to see a once-mediocre realtor reduced to this.

Gil, please, let's keep this civil.

Oh, by the way, if you ever speak disrespectfully again about my wife, I'll k*ll you.

[Chuckling] Sorry.

That sounded like a joke.

I will actually k*ll you.

Anyhoo, when you guys wake up and smell the sulfur, here's a list of other realtors, and if you need me, I'll be in the office at 9:00...

Uh, 10:00. I have the dentist.

Where did that come from?

Life's too short to be ruled by fear.

What do you say we get you the right dryer, princess?

Oh, my.

I mean, Phil is usually just so...

But then he was just, like, so...

And then he got even more...

There's nothing I can do.

I can't go for that.

No can do.

Cameron here bought an eggshell dryer.

Not white, not oatmeal, not Swiss-coffee, not baby-powder, not bone.

Eggshell. Look, Rob, is it?

That's interesting.

Here's how this is going down...

We don't leave without that eggshell dryer.

Not swan-feather, not Chester-pig-white.

I think we've covered the colors.

I sell houses to people every day who ask me where they should buy their dryer.

I don't think you want me giving them any... static.

I may have one in the back.

But it takes two guys to load the truck, and it's just me today.

Is it?

It was right about then that a question started nagging at me.

[Hall & Oates' "I Can't Go For That" plays]

Is Phil sexy?

[Grunts]

Hey.

You feel like doing something a little crazy with me?

[Cellphone ringing]

What? No. What? No.

Hey, honey.

Claire: Phil, honey, how you holding up?

Good.

I'm at the beach... Long story.

I was hoping you wouldn't mind waiting at the house for Luke's tutor.

Actually, I would mind.

I'd mind quite a bit.

I'm kind of busy.

Okay.

Cam, there's something that Claire would never approve of that I've always wanted to do.

Always?

We're gonna want to put a blanket down on that backseat.

This was a huge mistake.

I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter.

It's spring break '92 all over again!

Well, speed bump coming up.

Hold the leash taut.

It's supposed to keep her calm.

I got lucky. I don't think this one's a spitter.

[Alpaca spits]

Ohh.

[Alpaca bleats]

Uh, I spoke too soon.

You think? That's it. Pull over.

You know, Phil, I wanted to support you on this.

I'm a firm believer in livestock in the home, but you are out of control.

No, I'm in control... More than ever.

And if me getting what I want inconveniences people a little, then so be it.

[Alpaca bleats]

Oh. Uh, she's nervous.

The guy said you should let her suck on your hair.

Okay, that is it. I am done.

♪ Enough of this ridiculousness ♪

And thank you, Phil, for making me appreciate Mitchell.

He may have his faults, but at least he's not a crazy person.

[Alpaca bleats]

Phil, honey.

Yes, Claire.

I got an alpaca... Again.

And there's nothing you can say about it.

I'm not saying anything.

What's the problem?

[Both screaming]

Mom, dad!

There is a camel in the living room!

It's not a c...

I-I just can't.

Okay.

I see you've all met Jolene two.

Sadly, the original Jolene that your mother made me return was cruelly adopted by a children's hospital.

You see, something hit me this morning when that truck didn't hit me this morning...

I have not been in control of my own life.

But those days are done.

Oh.

Haley: Mm.

Huh.

Well, I guess I'm not in control of everything, am I?

[Chuckles] Funny, isn't it?

You can try and try, but in the blink of an eye...

[Breathing shakily]

[Voice breaking] You can lose everything that matters to you.

Dad, are you okay?

Don't you all see what's going on here?

Dad really wanted that milk.

I almost lost you guys today... All of you.

Aw.

Just like that.

Aw, daddy.

Oh, honey.

You spent the whole day trying to control everything, and I spent the entire day trying not to, and neither way worked, did it?

Nope. [Sighs]

I may fight you on this, but I'm gonna need you to make me get rid of Jolene two.

She's a biter.

[Chuckling] I know.

As soon as we're done with this hug.

Hey, whatever this is, I need to get in on it.

I almost d*ed today.

Grandpa.

Daddy.

Aw, dad.

Hey.

Come here.

Aww.

Come here, you.

Learn how to drive, lady!

[Panting]

I will get to the meeting when I get there.

I looked death in the face today.

Hel... hello. Yes, I would like to leave a message.

My husband ordered an eggshell dryer...

Not talc, not parchment... Eggshell.

Hey, you're home early.

What happened to you?

Doesn't matter.

So, I called that appliance store, and I demanded that you get the dryer that you wanted.

Oh, well, it must've worked because they're taking away the wrong one right now.

Anything for you, princess.

Ooh! Who's this guy?

Get over here, sexy.

[Chuckles] If you want to see sexy, I just...

Ooh.

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

Oh, d... what is all over you?

Well, now you are.

Ah-choo!