06x18 - Spring Break

[bunniefuu]

You're still on that thing?

What are you constantly looking at on your computer?

Is that a question you really want people asking around here?

Indeed, it is not.

I'm just checking college acceptances.

I mean, they should be posting them any day.

Claire: You cannot spend your entire spring break worrying about college admissions.

You should go to that-- that music festival thing with Haley.

Do something fun.

Learn to relax a--

Do we have to keep every remote we have ever owned?

Somewhere in a landfill, a laserdisc just ejected.

Uh, I can't bring Alex to the festival because I am going for work to research new fashion trends.

I need to blend in, you know?

Everyone will think she's a cop.

Well, I could sit here and worry and ruin my day, or I could go with Haley and ruin hers.

I'll grab my sunscreen.

Good morning.

Hey, dad.

I hate to shame you, but Haley woke up before you.

Well, Haley didn't run a 10k yesterday to raise awareness for alopecia.

What's alopecia?

That is why I run.

Honey, I could really use your help with spring cleaning today.

I got to get all these boxes down to the donation center.

Wish I could, but I've got work.

Then Luke and I have got some important trampolining to do.

I just love how equally we divide our responsibilities.

Figured we'd do a little father/son bonding since your school trip was canceled.

Oh. You can teach me the Dunphy Tuck.

[Chuckles]

I love your enthusiasm, son, but it's way too dangerous.

One wrong move, and you're eating springs.

Claire: Oh, no, no, those are--

Is that my banjo?

Hmm?

When I met this little lady sitting next to me, it was love at first sight.

Yep, I've been noodling around on the ol' flyswatter for a couple of years now.

I was inspired by the greats--

Scruggs, Kermit.

It's hard to practice, though, because it gets Claire so hot and bothered.

[Playing banjo poorly]

♪ what do you-- ♪

[Seductively]

I think I've heard enough.

Lucky for you, I've got time for a couple verses of "Shortnin' Bread."

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, it's in the box.

It's leaving the house.

I-I can never hear that awful thing again.

But you called me "Banjovi."

I know.

I did whatever was necessary to make it stop.

Wait. Does that mean you also didn't like my bagpiping?

Is that why we have Luke?!

It's not.

Is it?

Ay, Cam, no dessert for you?

No, none for me.

I have to fit into a skintight cat costume tonight because I'm gonna--

Whatever you do behind closed doors is your own business.

Because I'm singing "Memory" at the Faculty Follies.

It's a fundraiser where the teachers do a little talent show.

Ay, maybe I come see you.

I need to find something to watch since I had to give up my soap operas.

Oh, because you've been neglecting Joe?

No, it's because I asked Jay to stop smoking cigars, and he said that he would quit if I stopped watching the soap operas.

But it's very hard.

What's so damn hard?

It's the same thing every week-- amnesia, evil twins, two ladies end up fighting in a fountain.

I mean, what is it?

Is it some sort of an escape?

It's better than blowing smoke in our baby's face.

Where did he go, anyways?

Oh, there's an e-mail from Lily's scout camp.

I hope everything's okay.

She's fine.

Mitchell's nervous because he's not a camper.

His idea of roughing it is a hotel stay where the cable doesn't get Bravo.

They should tell you that when you check in.

Oh, boy.

Okay, here's a photo, look.

She's using the signal.

What signal?

The kids aren't allowed to call their parents, but the camp sends out photos, so we have a code.

Yeah, "we."

One finger, she's fine.

Two fingers, she's unhappy.

Look at this-- two fingers.

I don't look at pictures on a phone.

If it's a good sh*t, get a print, put it in an album.

Interesting time to take a stand.

But she looks like she's just doing the bunny ears behind her girlfriend.

Which is exactly what she would do to get a secret signal past the authorities.

Okay, it's a scout camp, not Leavenworth.

She's smiling.

What are you worried about?

Because it's her first time away from home. It--

You know what?

That's probably it.

I'm just--

I'm stressing out, so--

You know, I'm-- I'm gonna go to the office and pick up some paperwork.

You know what?

I'm gonna tag along with you.

You can drop me off at the club.

I'm not really going to the office.

Don't care.

Need a cigar.

[Rock music playing]

Based off the walk I just took, side-boob is the new butt cr*ck.

So, you want to head down front?

Alex!

Okay, you need to drink this.

I'll get a new one.

Uh, is there vodka in here?

If there is, it's not doing anybody any good until I get it in there.

Michelangelo talked about chiseling beautiful sculptures out of marble.

Well, my chisel is a Long lsland iced tea, and I use it to free the party girl from the block of nerd.

Music!!

Yeah!

Not all my sculptures are masterpieces.

Hey.

I'm ho--

[Banjo playing "Turkey in The Straw"]

Oh, amazing!

[Clears throat]

Honey, were you listening?

Isn't he good?

Really good.

Yeah.

Really good.

I-- I thought you didn't like the banjo.

I didn't think I did, either, but there's just something about the way he plays.

It's so...

It's so musical.

Mm-hmm.

So, what's this, a surprise for old dad?

You been secretly taking lessons for months, probably longer?

Nope. I just started messing around with it today.

And you learned a whole song.

Actually, he learned two!

Play him the other one.

I'm good, thanks.

Are those my shoes?

I found them in the box of donations.

They fit him perfectly.

If anything, they're a little snug.

Well, he can kick them off, 'cause we are about to do some trampolining.

Time to learn the Dunphy Tuck.

I thought you said he could get hurt doing that.

It's impossible to be safe all the time.

You can get hurt just walking into your own house.

Cameron: Okay, I'm gonna go hang my costume up in my dressing room and start warming up my voice.

[Clears throat]

Dressing room? Ay, show me.

I can't. It's the handicapped stall in the men's room.

But tonight is not about Cameron Tucker.

It's about the kids.

♪ me-me-me-me-me-me ♪

Coach Tucker.

Señor Kaplan.

Oh. What is that, a caveman costume?

No, I just signed up to sing "Memory" from "Cats."

Although I hope I'm not on after the "Grease" chorus.

They're a tough act to follow.

"Memory"?

But that is your song.

"Memory"? But that was his song.

Two cat costumes?

Well, we can't both sing the same song.

I mean, that would make a mockery of the Follies.

Oh, well, I sang last year.

Please, I insist--

you sing.

He gave up his song.

That was his song last year.

Fate will smile upon him.

You would do that for me?

This is literally the nicest gesture I have ever witnessed-- and I'm from Canada.

I don't like this.

This is just like when Rosalba and Marisol found out that they were married to the same man.

Marisol backed down, but she was found dead two days later.

Okay, Gloria, I think there's a chance you're trying to turn a very normal situation into one of your soap operas.

[Sighs]

Okay, but imagine-- a standing ovation for you will crush him!

You know what?

I'll only look better if I take the high road-- you know, help out backstage, let him have his moment.

Oh, my goodness!

[People gasp]

The move you're about to see was first developed by my great-great-great- grandfather Razvan Dunphy, but, really, it's as old as man's quest to fly.

It's just a flip with a twist, right?

[Chuckles]

There's a lot more going on, but you won't be able to absorb it the first time you see it.

Eins... zwei... drei--

No good. Okay.

Oh. You were right.

I totally missed it.

I'm glad that happened.

I'm actually glad that happened.

It's a good reminder-- the Dunphy Tuck demands respect.

This... time... for... real!

Jim McKay, that hurts!

I'm gonna... just adjust these springs.

They feel fine to me.

I'm sure they do.

You don't have the foot sensitivity of a tramp champ.

If I ever had to read braille, I'd--

Oh, my God!

I think I did it!

Did I do it?

Almost. Yeah.

Your-- your form was a little off.

Really? It felt perfect.

I'll try one more time.

I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

You might cement in some bad... habits.

I did it again!

[Laughing]

I'm gonna get you some water.

You seem lightheaded and delusional.

Again!

Oh, honey.

You look exhausted.

Well, I am not.

I am as strong as ever.

Certainly the strongest person in the house.

[Gasps]

Is Luke doing the Dunphy Tuck?

Sort of a poor man's version of it.

Wow. He added a whole new twist.

It's called over-rotation.

Look into it.

Claire: I was so caught up in my spring cleaning, it took me a while to see that Phil was feeling inadequate.

I knew what I needed to do.

When you guys are done out there, do you think you could give Luke my list?

I have some chores on here that require some muscle.

Maybe I should take care of that.

Nah.

No, no, I-I-I can handle it.

Luke's pretty busy out there not pointing his toes.

So he's all like, "Get a life," and I'm like, "No, thanks. Got nine."

[Laughter]

I mean, 'cause...

Sorry to interrupt, but I just took a break from painting.

Wanted to come over, bring you some tea and tell you to break a paw.

[Laughs]

He almost broke his head.

Yes, I know, and I feel horrible about that.

I-I hope you know I would never intentionally do anything to harm--

Oh! My throat!

It burns!

He made the tea too hot!

Not on purpose!

Oh! Oh!

[Screams]

He tripped on one of Coach Tucker's paint cans.

I don't remember leaving that there!

Oh, look at me.

I can't command a stage.

You-- you have to take my place.

We'll wheel you out onto stage.

Oh, come on-- we both know this song requires catlike movements.

Someone get this man into fur and makeup!

["Dueling Banjos" playing]

What are you doing?!

Last item on the list-- move the table.

No. You should not be doing that alone.

Really? 'Cause I got the fridge out to the curb.

How?

Drug it.

Stand back.

I'm turtling her.

No, you're gonna get hurt, sweetie.

Let me get Luke. Luke!

No, no, no!

I don't need his help!

Let him play his precious banjo!

It was like the banjo was mocking me.

♪ you are not the man you used to be ♪
♪ you get up four times at night to pee ♪
♪ ba-da-dum ba bat da doot doot doo ♪
♪ you're super-duper old now ♪

Hey! Take five.

I don't know that one.

Give me a couple minutes.

I'll figure it out.

It's a little hard to get things done with all the noise.

What's that?

Uh... nothing.

Is that... a bra?

You're not supposed to have girls up here.

I can explain.

You don't have to!

You think you're an adult, but you're not.

You're a kid living under my roof, and you have to obey my rules!

[Banjo string snaps]

Ow!

The "G" string snapped!

Probably not the first time that's happened in here.

No! It hit my eye!

Is it bleeding?

First of all, eyes can't bleed, so--

Sammy Davis Jr., that's bad!

[Rock music playing]

Alex!

Oh. Hi.

I'm looking for my sister.

She has brown hair, dressed like a nerd, but not ironically.

[Cellphone rings]

Hang on!

Hello?

Haley, are you with Alex?

She's not answering her phone.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

We're just a tiny bit separated right now, but, uh, she's been acting a little strange.

Oh, no.

What do you mean?

Um, I-- well, I-I'd say she's been, um... a bit distant.

Oh, no.

Mom, don't freak out.

No, I was worried about this when you two left this morning.

Oh, okay, so she was being a little uptight.

Come on!

Open up, you stupid thing!

Okay, fine!

She was a total buzzkill, okay!

I just wanted relax her.

Damn it.

I know, I know-- it was a mistake.

But it's not like I poured it down her throat!

She didn't get into Harvard.

Oh, thank God!

That's why she's been acting so weird.

Wait. What do you mean, you didn't pour it down her throat?

Did you get her drunk?

Hey, you hacked her computer!

Is that her?

Uh, I just found her.

I'll have her call you.

Take me to my sister!

Oh. Oh, hi.

Oh.

Whoo!

All right, Lily's camp is just through those trees.

I'll be back soon.

Take your time.

I got a couple of Robustos to keep me company.

Um, what's up with the outfit?

It's to keep the smoke off me so Gloria won't smell it.

That's insane.

Yep, I've lost my mind.

Have fun breaking your daughter out of sleepaway camp.

Oh, of course you wouldn't understand.

Why?

Um... you forgot?

I forgot I shouldn't ask "Why" to things.

[Scoffs]

I was 9 years old, at camp.

There were mosquitos, compost toilets, mean kids.

It was theater camp, wasn't it?

Naturally, you remember that part.

T-the point is, I hated it.

I was-- I was cold, and I was scared, especially after this kid told this terrifying ghost story, so I snuck away to a pay phone, I called you, crying, and, in a performance even more predictable than Todd Jansen's Artful Dodger, you refused to pick me up.

For your own good.

Learning to fend for yourself is an important part of becoming a man.

Before you claim that all my professional success stems from your very, very brave decision to stay at home on the couch watching "The Bionic Woman,"

I am going to go get Lily so that she knows she can always count on me.

I'm fine. It's fine.

If that's your idea of a dramatic exit, it's no wonder Todd Jansen got that part.

So, the doctor will see you in a few minutes.

Nice someone can see.

Glad to know your good eye can still roll.

[Chuckles]

So, still angry, huh?

Gee, why would I be angry?

Because you insulted me, maimed me, and belittled my achievements in the banjonic and trampolinic arts?

I know. I'm sorry.

I'm not proud of my behavior today.

[Inhales deeply]

It probably started with the 5k I ran yesterday.

10k.

For everyone else.

It was the first time in 15 years I couldn't finish.

Then, today, it's everything I can do, you can do better.

No, I can't.

Yes, you can.

It's okay.

It's not your fault.

Every dad goes through it-- the day he starts seeing his son as a man and not a boy.

It's a shock.

Like when we first got high-def TV and I realized Ed Bradley had an earring.

I'm not as much of a man as you think, dad.

Oh, really?

How come an hour ago, I had a 16-year-old girl's bra in my hand?

Can we talk somewhere more private?

Mm-hmm.

The bra belongs to me.

Oh...kay.

That's not the conversation I thought we'd be having, but... if that's what you need on the outside to feel like the Luke you are on the inside--

No!

It's to practice on.

I stink at unhooking them.

Last week, I tried to take one off a girl at a party.

I fumbled for so long, she started to laugh.

It still haunts me.

[Giggling]

That's why I didn't go away this week.

My trip wasn't canceled.

Everyone found out and--

I get it-- you couldn't face them.

Listen, I know this part of your life may not be moving fast enough for you, but enjoy it while it lasts.

Someday, your life's gonna be moving faster than you want, and you could wind up doing something dumb, like blinding your son.

I'm blind?!

Probably not.

Nurse: Luke Dunphy?

[Sighs]

I know I'm getting a little old for this place, but...

I do like coming here.

Oh, Lukey!

You hurt your eye.

Do you need a hug?

A big one.

Come here.

Alex!

Alex, stop!

I have been chasing you for, like, an hour!

Where are you going?!

Uh--

This guy Weasel said he knows of some hot springs in the hills.

We were just gonna go try and find them.

Oh, okay. So, we'll see you in, like, what, 10 years, when you spoon-tunnel your way out of Weasel's basement?

[Scoffs]

I know about Harvard.

How?

Mom saw on your computer.

And of course she told you, because privacy doesn't mean anything.

Why do things the right way?

Alex, I r--

No! What's the point?

Get straight A's for 10 years, spend your summers building houses, drag your cello to school every day, write the perfect essay, and for what?!

"No, thank you, Alex!"

"We don't want you, Alex!"

Okay, you are drawing more attention to yourself than the guy wearing a ferret as a scarf.

I don't care anymore!

I've spent my entire life trying to be perfect, and where did it get me?

I am in a field with 6,000 idiots!

[Crowd cheers]

Know what? I think that this is a good thing for you.

Can you just spare me today?

No.

You're obviously going to get into one of those snooty schools, and sometimes you're gonna come in second... or fourth, or maybe even tenth.

But you're gonna dust yourself off, maybe put on some lipstick for once, and keep going.

I'm allowed to feel bad about this, okay?

Look, you are a superstar!

I've been saying since you were 10 you're gonna be on the supreme court.

Thanks.

But for the record, I'm gonna be a scientist.

Lab coat, robe-- as long as something's covering up your outfit, you're gonna be just fine.

[Piano plays introduction]

I... don't want to talk about it.

I had k*lled with that song at three amateur productions, two gay weddings, and a two-hour gate hold on a 747, but I could tell the audience thought that I had sabotaged Kaplan to grab the spotlight, and my confidence caught in my throat like a three-day furball.

[Voice breaking] I couldn't have stunk up the place worse if I'd performed in a litter box.

[Scattered light applause]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Bravo, Cameron.

[Crying] Can't talk!

I'll be in my stall!

So, now everybody hates Cameron.

Okay, look, I can't sing "Memory."

It's too much song for me.

So when I found out that Coach Tucker wanted to sing it, as well, I had my out-- until he nobly stepped aside.

Luckily, the sandbag fell, everyone blamed him, and I just saw my opening.

I put the paint cans on the floor and pretended that the tea scalded me.

But to see him crash and burn on stage, that...

[Chortles]

It doesn't get better than that.

Oh, it's about to, because I turned your microphone on, and everybody there is listening to everything that you just said!

No. No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You monster!

Aah! Ooh-hoo-hoo! Ooh!

Amazing!

And with no commercials!

Ooh! Ooh!

Mitchell: The worst thing about the woods is you never know what you're gonna run into-- a bear, a hunter who doesn't take kindly to city folk, or worse...

I can't wait.

I love s'mores.

...your daughter, as happy as you've ever seen her.

The only thing to do was to sneak back to the car and think of a lie to tell my dad along the way.

[Branch snaps]

Girl: What was that?!

I don't know, but let's hit it with a shovel.

And s*ab it with our marshmallow sticks!

All: Yeah!

No! No, no, no, no!

I-I'm Lily's dad.

I'm Lily--

Hi. She's mine.

Um...

What are you doing here?

Okay, I-I thought you gave me the signal.

No! Go away.

You're embarrassing me in front of 8-year-olds.

Sorry.

I just finished telling the girls a ghost story.

It was so scary.

Do you know any?

I do know one from my own camp days, but it's probably too scary for you, s--

Tell us now!

Okay, okay.

It's really scary.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

This better be good.

Um... well... it takes place at a camp a lot like this one, where just beyond the woods, there was a black lake.

And just beyond the lake, there was a prison.

This isn't scary.

Okay, it was a haunted pr-- it was a haunted prison.

Now, on this one night, the night of the full moon, what they call the blood moon...

[Spookily]

Oooooh!

Okay, what was at this prison was a-- was a ghost-- the ghost of an old man with glowing red eyes, who breathed fire!

I'm bored.

Can we go to sleep early?

I think you're forgetting about the blood moon.

What's that?!

[Gasps]

Lily: Glowing eyes!

Girl: It's the ghost!

It's the ghost!

No! Oh!

[Children screaming]

Girls!

Thanks for that.

Bedtime should be a treat.

Well, I guess you finally rescued me at camp.

Better late than never.

[Sighs]

By the way, I should've come by and picked you up from camp.

That, uh, "tough it out" stuff-- that was my dad talking.

He threw me in a lake once I was afraid of.

Did I ever tell you about that story?

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard that story.

[Sighs]

Now, don't feel too bad.

I was completely wrong about Lily.

I almost rescued her from having the time of her life.

Oh, that's the way of things.

Things work out, and someday, you'll be able to see her be completely wrong about her kids.

It's fun.

Oh. Okay.

Want a cigar?

No. No, thank you.

You know, I-- I once stole one of those when I was a kid.

Made me completely dizzy.

I don't remember the rest of the night.

Aren't you going to that Faculty Follies after this?

Yeah.

Give me one of those.

Huh. I thought there was a step there.

Oh, yeah, you'll get your depth perception back once you get the bandages off.

Careful in the middle, there.

I still haven't a chance to--

I know.

Oh!

I thought you were Alex.

She didn't get in.

Oh, no!

Stupid Harvard.

"Stupid Harvard"?

She didn't get into Princeton, either?

No, just Harvard.

I thought that this might soften the blow.

And I made her her favorite dinner.

You're such a good mom.

[Door opens]

There she is!

Hi. I heard.

I'm so sorry.

Oh.

Uh, thanks, mom, but Haley already made me feel a little better about it.

I just don't really feel like talking right now.

I kind of just want to change my password and get into bed.

Okay.

She just needs a little bit of time to work through it.

Hi.

Alone?

The kids are growing up.

[Sighs]

Guess they don't need us as much anymore.

Oh, well, that was the plan.

I just thought it would feel better than this.

Me too.

At least we still need each other.

How'd I get so lucky...

Okay.

Still got it!