06x21 - Integrity

[bunniefuu]

Don't ask.

Don't tell.

It's probably obvious, anyway.

I was up all night crying.

I'll see if she's here.

Gloria!

Sarah Fink. My lab partner who I hoped one day would be my love partner.

I caught one of my so called friends hitting on her.

And now she's like the fetal pig we once so happily shared.

Cold, unresponsive, heartless.

You've got two choices.

You can mope your way up those stairs and soak in a pity bath, or you can pick yourself up, march into that school and act like you don't even know that girl.

Thanks.

If mom asks, I borrowed her tub pillow.

Jay! Don't forget to drop Joe at Mitch and Cam's later.

What time are they expecting me to, uh...

Oh, what the hell?

Isn't it cute?

Last night when I went to do my nails, the girls did it just for fun.

What's fun about a lifetime of gender confusion?

Ay, please.

It's the same as when you took him to the Dodgers game and you brought him back with that Dodgers cap.

You think? Or is it different in every conceivable respect?

Ay, and don't forget that Phil is gonna be meeting you at Mitch and Cam's to help you bring Lily's Princess castle here.

She's outgrown it, but Joe loves that thing.

Ay, don't make that face.

You're gonna bring it, right?

Sure, honey.

Okay. Hold him.

I picked a fine time to run out of lavender bath beads.

I wanted two rough and tumble boys.

I got a Manny...

And a pedi.

She's my first girlfriend, really.

This time tomorrow, she'll be in our living room, if we can fit her through the doorway.

Okay, I feel like I have to ask.

Dad's about to buy a Miss Pac-Man.

Ms.

What was our struggle for?

And not just any "Ms. Pac-Man," but an original 1982 fully reconditioned podium-style unit.

Mm.

With original coin return.

Mm.

They're even throwing in the stool.

Mm.

Come on!

Oh, you know, you're right.

It's stupid.

Just be taking up space we need for things we actually use, like the piano -- oh, wait.

What's going on with you?

Oh, I have a throbbing headache.

It's making it hard to...

Pretend that you're sick?

Yeah, you just ate a bushel of cereal.

Check the structural integrity of the trophy case, b*tches, 'cause mama's bringing home some hardware!

Awards day at school --

The one day of the year Alex has some real swagger.

Ironically, the one thing she's not good at.

When I say "trophy," you say "trophy"!

Trophy!

Trophy!

Can I get a wha-what?

What?

Bam!

[Glasses clatter]

Bam!

Bam!

I always worried that Alex winning all those awards would bother Luke, and looks like it finally did.

Can't be easy growing up in the shadow of a superstar sister.

Look at Mitchell.

Bam.

Okay, do you have any queens?

Yeah, two big ones.

Okay, you know what?

It was funny the first time.

Now it's just getting mean.

[Thud]

What was that?

Mr. Polasky, our upstairs neighbor, d*ed last week.

He was 93, and he'd been sick for a while.

Yeah, and we --

We tried cheering him up with a "get well" sign in the front yard.

Okay, how's that look?

Cameron: Looks great.

Uh-huh.

Honestly.

Oh.

No! No.

Mitchell: "Get well son"?

Okay, well, you know what?

"Soon" seemed a little bossy anyway.

Mitchell and I have always discussed trying to buy the place in the event something happened to Stan.

We -- we could use the extra space for a guest room or an office or maybe even...

A nursery.

I think I may want another child.

But I don't want to bring it up to Mitchell and put pressure on him because he's been so adamant about not wanting one.

The last thing he's thinking about is a...

Nursery.

Lately, I've been having stirrings, but because it was such an emotional roller coaster in the past, I don't want to bring it up unless I have some sort of indication...

That we're both on the same page.

That's why, when Gloria asked if we'd watch Joe, I said "sure."

It'd be a chance to remind Mitchell how nice it is to... have a baby.

Hey.

Claire Dunphy.

What can I do you for?

Oh, it's not so much what you can do me for.

Sounded a --

A tiny bit prost*tute-y.

I'm sorry about that.

Actually, I do have a tiny favor to ask.

You know, I love your family.

Oh.

I mean, Haley, our Homecoming queen.

Yeah.

And now Alex winning just about every academic award.

Oh, I know.

It's been an honor to teach the Dunphy children.

Well, today I'm here to talk about Luke.

Is that the science rabbit?

That's my son.

Oh! Yes. Of course.

That's sort of the point.

I think he's feeling a little bit overlooked.

I was wondering if you could just, you know, toss him one of those awards today.

Just...

[Clicks tongue]

Well, I'm afraid all of the award winners have already been decided.

[Sighs]

Yeah.

Oh, but, hey, if it makes him feel better, he was in the running for the integrity award.

He just got edged out by --

Scott Wheeler?

Oh, that little weasel's a narc.

Halloween carnival, 2008 --

[mockingly] "Mrs. Dunphy's grape juice smells like medicine."

It was a long morning.

It would mean so much to him.

Well, Claire...

That wouldn't be fair.

I know. I'm sorry.

[Groans]

I'm so sorry.

Mm-hmm.

I-I-I really am --

So embarrassing.

Maybe there's some sort of, um --

I don't know, like, a-- a--

A donation or something I could give to the auto shop to, um... grease the wheels.

We're good on grease.

But you can never have too much brake fluid, so --

Or perhaps the soccer team could use some new cleats, help them get their...

Kick back?

Okay, Mrs. Dunphy, I'm really doing everything I can to ignore the fact that you're trying to bribe me for the Marlon Boniface integrity award.

Oh! I'm so glad you can remember that name, but you can't remember Luke.

My first day off in a month, I'm headed out the door to go shopping with Gloria, and my stupid boss needs me to pick up some stupid orchid.

Like my time's not valuable?

Gloria was gonna help me pick out a toe ring.

Oh, I don't care if you are here illegally, you're gorgeous.

Listen, mister, for your information, I am --

Flower.

He's talking... flower.

Gavin, I would like to introduce you --

Where are the photos from the Milan show I asked for?

I-I don't remember you asking for them.

Oh. I guess one of us is mistaken, but who?

The fashion icon profiled by Vanity Fair for pioneering a new sock length, or the part-time employee who shares a stapler?

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Here they are.

Oh, look what's new for fall.

Thumbprints.

Do you know the Thai, German, Argentine, Mexican gourmet food truck back to basics?

Yes.

I need you to make me a standing reservation there.

How do I make a standing reservation?

Parking's a bitch.

I need you to go there, find a spot, and stand in it until I arrive.

I wanted to k*ll him.

But I bite my tongue, because in this family, they think that I am a Colombian hothead, which is crazy because a Colombian hot head is when you set somebody's head on fire.

It smells terrible, but it sends a message.

[Horn honking]

Go somewhere else.

It's me -- Gloria.

What are you doing? I told you to go shopping without me.

I couldn't enjoy it knowing you're standing there like a little orange cone.

It's my job.

It's fine.

No, it's not fine.

He's a terrible man.

But I did a little something to make you feel better.

[Gasps] Oh, my god, what have you done?

He messes with something I love --

I mess with something he loves.

The second it goes missing, he's going to check security cameras, and I'm going to get fired.

So what?

He's the worst person I have ever met, and there was a man in my village named Fabio the baby puncher.

Ohh.

[Horn honks]

Hey, cone. Move.

Um, okay.

Um, just -- just leaving.

[Cellphone ringing]

Hello?

Faster.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Claire: I'd already been caught trying to bribe the principal, but believe it or not, I was still trying to think of a way to get Luke that award.

Then I saw Scott Wheeler.

Yeah, he was a narc and a goody two-shoes, but he was also just a child.

And I knew the right thing to do.

Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge.

What?

[Clicks tongue]

He is so adorable.

I know, isn't he?

Remember when Lily was like this?

What do you say when I'm not here?

Um...

Joe, let's show Mitchell how you can catch and throw the ball.

Let's see.

Wow!

[Laughs]

Is this so that I'll learn?

Oh, yes --

Well, no, but, I mean, if you pick up on it, that'd be great.

Okay, well, no, actually, here --

Joe, let's show Cam how we can dance, huh?

[ Upbeat music plays]

I love a dance party.

Oh, there we are.

I like this b*at.

Should I join you?

Yes, of course.

Okay, if you insist.

[Both chuckle]

Oh, how fun is this?

So fun.

You look so happy.

You look so happy.

No, seriously, I wish you could see the happy look on your face.

Well, if it's half as happy as the look on your face...

[Clicks]

[ Music stops]

Mitchell, are we almost discussing what I think we're almost discussing?

I want to have another baby.

I do, too.

I just was afraid to say anything.

I was, too.

I -- but the timing seems right, right?

I mean, we both seem to be on the same page.

I-I just really miss having a baby around.

The writing's on the wall.

But mostly on the curtains.

Oh, boy, okay.

Oh. All right.

That's fine.

[Sighs]

There's water underneath the seat there if you want it.

Those guys at the loading dock really gave me the business when they found out I was hauling a princess castle.

[Laughs]

Something was bugging him.

He needed to talk.

It's like I don't want to be happy.

Well, you've obviously got something on your mind.

Claire and I had a thing.

Oh, you're just gonna make fun of me.

No, I promise I won't make fun of you.

I've always wanted a "Ms. Pac-Man" machine, but Claire said no.

Actually, she didn't say anything.

She just made a disapproving noise, and I rolled over.

Pretty wimpy, huh?

No. I've been there.

Really?

You have to sometimes.

That's the way marriages work.

All this happy wife, happy life sort of stuff.

Tell you what would make me happy.

This bad boy right here.

It's still in my shopping cart 'cause I just can't say goodbye.

Who doesn't want a happy life?

But soon you're saying, "yes, dear," and, "whatever you need, dear," without even thinking about it.

Anti-glare plexi, reinforced podium.

Stand up every once in a while, you lose all your power.

It's even got a wrist pad for your knob hand.

Before you know it, you're picking up a pink princess castle for your pedicured 2-year-old, saying goodbye to your last chance to have one red-blooded man in the family.

And you're getting that damn game, Phil!

What in the name of "Pac-Man" creator Toru lwatani have you done?!

You deserve it.

You work hard.

You provide for your family.

No regrets.

You know what?

I don't regret it.

'Course you don't.

I'm the owner of a "Ms. Pac-Man"!

[Both laugh]

This is exhilarating!

Thanks, Jay.

Ahh.

You know, every now and then, I wonder how you really feel about me--

Bup bup bup bup!

I'm sure you'd do the same for me.

Gotcha.

Good.

Message received.

Good.

What the hell did you do?!

I thought you sent me a message!

Have you lost your mind?!

Thank god it's still in one piece.

We can probably --

Oh!

OK, dummy.

We get this thing on the backyard we nail it together and Gloria will never find out.

Don't do this, Jay.

As your best friend, I implore you.

If we rebuild this castle, we tear down everything we built today.

What?

And what?!

We stood up for ourselves.

There's no turning back.

We're going to tell Claire and Gloria what we did.

I'm scared, Phil, okay?

They count on that fear.

They feed off it.

No more.

[Car door closes]

Someone's looking sexy and sweaty.

That's right.

And this sexy, sweaty someone is now the proud owner of a vintage "Ms. Pac-Man" game.

Oh, it came?

They promised they weren't gonna deliver it until tomorrow.

I wanted to be there to see your face.

It was k*lling me this morning when you said you wanted to get your own.

Do ya love it?

Love -- I love you.

Yeah.

Gloria: Jay?

What took you so long?

Joe's gonna be here in 30 minutes.

[Gasps]

What happened to the castle?

Little snafu.

About this princess castle --

Claire: What's that?

Black paint and a skull flag so that we can turn this princess thing into a pirate castle.

Pirate castle?

Yes. He's a boy.

We have talked about this.

Why do men never listen?

It's always, "sure, honey. Sure, honey."

I don't know.

Marriage is hard.

Okay, we can solve both our problems.

We put this princess castle together in the next 30 minutes.

Let's go! Go, go!

How does that solve my problem?

Just go!

Oh, my gosh, what happened?

Joe took Lily's car for a little spin.

Had a little fern-der bender, but it's okay. It's fine.

Well, the curtains he drew on are gonna need to be professionally cleaned, but they were overdue.

Oh.

Yeah. It's fun having this energy back in the house.

It is. Where is that little pudding-filled rocket, anyway?

Cameron: Oh, there he is.

There he goes.

You see him?

Okay, yeah, he's going into the bathroom.

Okay. Oh. It's locked.

Locked?

I'm gonna go around to the other door. Yeah.

Joe!

Joe!

[Exhales deeply]

Okay, well, that's gonna clog.

All right, I'll get the plunger.

Okay, now, sweetie, listen.

We can't use that much toilet paper because it's wasteful.

[Water splashes]

Oh, my gosh.

My keys.

[Toilet flushes]

No, no!

No! No, no, no!

Oh, good, it didn't clog.

Okay. Oh, geez.

[Sighs]

Lily, did you spill purple paint on the floor?

Yeah, I'm the problem today.

Oh, geez.

Oh, god!

The Vanderkoff!

What?

Oh, god, the Vanderkoff!

It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

We'll -- we'll just get it professionally cleaned.

Yeah, w-we'll just throw it in with the curtains. [Chuckles]

Joe: Ball!

[Gasps] Oh, no, that's not a ball.

That's not a ball, no.

No, no, no.

That's a criminally expensive Santangelo bowl.

Okay, I'm gonna sneak around behind him and you're just gonna keep him talking.

Joe, you don't want to do this.

You know, as of right now, you haven't done anything wrong.

You just hand that over to me, and it's like nothing ever happened, see?

Okay, he's not Baby Face Nelson.

He's an actual baby.

Okay, you know what?

You want to help out?

Slide something underneath it like a throw pillow.

Throw!

[Bowl shatters]

Aah!

Oh.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Aah!

You forget what a handful kids are when they're little, huh?

Yeah, I didn't realize how easy we have it now that Lily's so independent.

Yeah.

Plus, we're not as young as we were when she was like this.

Mitchell, are -- are we almost discussing what I think we're almost discussing?

Maybe we shouldn't rush into having another kid?

It's a big decision, and I love the way our lives are now.

Oh, god, me, too!

Oh.

Th-Th-this doesn't make us selfish people, does it?

Of course not.

Baby Joe's stuck in the well.

Leave him.

He's fine.

No, no, no.

A little bit more to the left.

What are you doing here?

I can't believe I have to beg you to go shopping.

Well, I have to make sure that you're putting that thing in the right place since this stupid, horrible job is so important to you.

Ay, Haley, I have to say today I lost a little bit of respect for you.

Goodbye, Gloria.

You need to learn how to stand up for yourself.

Do you know how easy that is for you to say?

No, no. Nothing in English is easy for me to say.

Unlike you, I don't have a rich husband.

What I do have is a reputation for being a screw-up who never follows through on anything.

[Sighs]

Which is why, in case you haven't noticed, I'm in my third year of a two-year college program and still living in my parents' basement.

Look, I know that this job sucks, but it might actually lead to something.

Do you know who had this job five years ago?

Gavin, and he worked for an even bigger jackass than he is.

Hey!

That was a quick lunch.

Yeah, the line was too short.

It's over.

I can't be seen there.

I wouldn't want people to think I was a jackass.

Uh, look, when --

When I said that, I really didn't --

Okay, first of all, you were just leaving.

Second of all, maybe permanently.

Um. Yeah.

[Cellphone rings]

Faster.

You know what, Gavin?

I have had enough of --

No.

What? Why not?

It's time I stood up to this guy.

I'm probably gonna get fired, so I might as well get in a couple sh*ts before I lose my dental.

No, you were right before.

It's very easy to be like me, to scream first and think later.

But that's not how the world works.

Let me go talk to him.

No.

Yes.

I caused all this.

Anyways, it's good for me every once in a while to swallow my pride.

What do you want?

I just want you to listen to my voice and look into my eyes and ask yourself, "did this woman made it all the way here from Colombia without knowing some very bad men who would love to do her a favor?"

[Door opens]

Okay. I don't know what's gonna happen next, but it feels so good to apologize.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, my god, I still have my job.

Oh, that's great!

Let's go celebrate.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, you know what?

I can't.

I have to go spread seeds on his front lawn so he can run through birds when he gets home.

I have one more thing that I need to apologize for.

Call me the periodic table, 'cause I got all the "metals."

Yeah!

That's nice, honey.

Luke, how was your day?

Well, Luke won the Boniface integrity award, whereas I got all --

Are you kidding me?

That is fantastic!

I'm so proud of --

Luke: The bonerface!

You win that award, everyone calls you "bonerface."

It's the super nerd award.

My underwear got pulled over my head by a girl.

It always goes to Scott Wheeler, but someone pushed his car into a handicapped spot so I'd get the award.

And I think I know exactly who did it.

Well --

Manny!

You framed Scott Wheeler so I'd win the bonerface.

It adds up.

First, lower your voice.

We're not stevedores.

Second, you're wrong.

Third, it serves you right, anyway, after you hit on Sarah Fink.

Oh, for god's sake.

There are plenty of other girls out there.

Get over it.

[Clatters]

That cinnamon stick is from Sri Lanka!

[Grunts]

Get off me!

You smell like a candle.

It's lavender bath beads, you son of a bitch!

And the award for the saddest brawl goes to...

Okay, stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

I did it! I did it!

I got you the bonerface!

Ugh, the bonifa--

What's it called?

Just get out of here.

You?

Yes.

Why?

Because I didn't know it was a nerd award.

I just knew it was an award, and I wanted you to have one.

And you were second in line to get it, anyway, so I just, you know...

Rigged it because you think I'm a loser who could never win his own award?

No. No.

I-I just...

Alex has her awards and --

Thanks for believing in me.

[Hammer pounding]

Joe's gonna be here soon.

Let's pick up the pace.

Window looks good.

Let's raise the roof.

I don't think it's time to celebrate, Jay.

We haven't even put on the roo-- Oh.

Honey.

I am so sorry.

You just seemed so upset this morning, and I assumed it was about awards day and Alex.

I don't even care about awards.

Then why didn't you want to go to school?

This isn't still about that fight that you're having with Manny over Sarah Fink, is it?

I don't even like Sarah Fink.

I told her to stop calling me.

Well, then why does Manny think that you're...

Oh.

You didn't hit on her.

She hit on you.

And you're -- you're trying to spare Manny's feelings.

I am the dumbest person in the world to think that you would ever need my help to win an integrity award.

I could not be prouder.

[Smooches]

Maybe next year, Alex.

Mm.

Okay. Awning is done.

Supposed to be a drawbridge.

Weren't the chains a clue?

A lot of criticism from a guy who just sawed half his shoe off.

Who are we kidding?

We got a wall on backwards.

I don't even know where that stuff goes.

It barely looks like a --

Joe: Castle!

Gloria: Joe, wait!

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

Hey, it's gonna look even better when it's painted.

Ah, the awning's a nice touch.

Jay, this castle's supposed to look like so --

Achoo!

[Gasps]

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, Joe, look what you did.

Do you expect me to believe that a 2-year-old can destroy a whole house in one second?

[Scoffs] - Easy.

Oh, wow, yes.

[Chuckling]

For sure.

Jay, do you want to tell me what really happened?

[Sighs]

Alex: No one wins anything without help from family and friends who steer you away from bad ideas...

Wait, Phil!

Phil! Phil!

Oh.

...and toward good ones.

I don't know what got into us today.

Oh, with the baby thing?

Yes. It's the last thing I need right now.

It's the last thing any of us need right now.

Yeah.

Because every time anyone accomplishes anything... - Hey.

...he or she achieves it...

Nice.

...with the help of a thousand silent heroes, the selfless team players who offer their support, not to be recognized, but because it's the right thing to do.

[Cheers and applause]

Awards aren't usually given out for being a good person, but today...

They are.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Marlon Boniface integrity award is...

[Laughs]

This is awesome.

Luke Dunphy.

Luke: No!

Alex Dunphy.

Wow! This is a surprise.

Let me tell you about a little girl with a dream.

Muchas, muchas gracias.

Ahh, where was I?

Awards day, or as Sanjay Patel knows it, Passover.

All that little girl wanted was a calculator and a chance.