02x03 - The Diaper Incident

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: Out here in the middle, men live by an unspoken code. You shake, not hug. You never pay to have something done you can do yourself, and you don't go to the doctor unless... Well, you don't go to the doctor. I'm not going to the doctor.

Come on. Just go in for a physical.

Look, they're raising our deductible next month, So if you're gonna get a horrible disease, get it now while it's still cheap.

Hey, if something comes along, I can take care of it myself.

Mike's school of medicine was not the same as mine.

My heart just stopped.

Oh, there it goes.

When did this mole get here?

Shoulder popped out again.

(bones crunch)

(grunts) Aah! That's better.

(sighs) Mike, you can't just slap duct tape On everything anymore. You're getting older.

You go have regular checkups. I get 'em.

Yeah, but you've got all that lady stuff going on.

Okay, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you creak. I creak?

(makes creaking sound)

(laughs) And Dr. Oz says, men age faster.

And that salt and pepper you got there...

Gettin' heavy on the salt.

'Cause I don't goop on color with a plastic glove and a squirt bottle like some people.

Oh, please. I take way better care of myself.

People say I look ten years younger than you.

(laughs) What people?

Your sister, when you're talking about How young and skinny you both still are?

Whatever, Mike. You're gettin' a physical. End of story.

I don't need you dyin' early and stickin' me with the kids.

Mrs. Heck!

Looking beautiful, as always.

Did ya hear that, Mike? He just... Never mind.

So what are you boys up to?

We're gettin' our school on.

We got this humongous science project.

It's worth, like, half our grade, So I'm not gonna be able to do any chores this week.

Mm, we'll try to get by.

Little Brickster!

Always a pleasure to see you.

You want a candy bar? Here. I got another one.

Oh, I wish I could, but I don't wanna break the law.

What do you mean? It's not illegal for you to eat candy.

But my mom said...

Oh, yeah.

Can I get this?

Put that down, Brick.

Why?

Because the, uh...

(checkout scanner beeps) The president outlawed candy for kids under 10.

You lied to me? My own mother lied to me?

Listen, Brick, here's the thing...

Do you know how many letters wrote to the president?

He probably thinks I'm crazy! (whispers) Crazy.

(normal voice) Wait. You lied, but your hair didn't fall out.

(gasps) Is that a lie, too?!

Join the club. She once told me Kids who talk during "wheel of fortune" go blind. Brick, come on. I'm sorry.

Mom, you said you'd drive me to babysitting.

Brick: She says a lot of things!

Sean.

If you have an older brother, You're eventually gonna develop a crush on one of his friends.

For Sue, it happened this summer.

(Tchaikovsky's "Romeo & Juliet: Fantasy overture" playing)

I'm heading out. I could give you a lift on my way home.

Let's go. I'll ride in the front seat.

Unless you need to put your books in the front seat...

(chuckles) And then I'll ride in the back seat.

O-or I'll just wing it. (laughs)

If anyone needs me, I'll be in Sean's car.

I'm trying to schedule a physic for my husband.

No, you won't have any record of him.

Just start a new file called "Mike."

Tuesday? Great. Thanks.

(receiver clatters)

(gasps) Brick, what are you doing?

I've been making this face for an hour, and guess what?

It didn't stick that way.

(telephone rings) Hello?

I got a situation here. (fussing)

Yeah. What's wrong, Sue? What else have you lied about, mom? What else?

Wait. Who's talking? Did Sean come back?

No. What's up?

Well, if he does, tell him I say hi.

Anyway, the Markleys didn't leave me any diapers.

Could you run out to the store and get me some?

Oh, he's already double-loaded, And if it leaks, it'll ruin my cross-country sweatshirt.

Right now?

'cause I'm really busy mopping up and...

(lowered voice) Maybe I was gonna mop. You don't know.

Excuse me. Can you tell me where the diapers are? Over here.

Oh, great. Thanks. (checkout scanner beeping)

I-I really appreciate it. I'm... I'm in kind of a big...

Here you go.

Uh, my grandma likes these.

You're probably a small.

Okay, wait.

You think I need diapers?

Oh, this is just...

(gasps)

Oh, my God. (Chuckles) How old do you think I am?

Is it okay if don't answer that?

Look, I might sneeze-pee once in a while, But I don't need diapers. Do you see any gray there?

No! That's 100% chestnut brown.

That's over in aisle 12.

(sighs) I mean, come on.

These are for...

Geriatric bladder control.

Do I look geriatric?

(scoffs) I could easily have a baby.

I choose not to.

These are for old, creaky people Who are way older than me.

Not you. (Sighs) I'm sorry. I-I'm a little flustered.

I have a daughter with a dripping baby.

I understand. I'm a grandma, too.

I'm not a grandma!

(sighs)

Just take me to the diapers...

For babies.

Which I could have!

Frankie: It's so embarrassing.

(sighs) All right. So that's it then?

I look like some granny now? I need to call my sister.

Mm. You don't. You've got me... (receiver clatters)

And I am here to tell you that you are a vibrant young woman Full of life and beauty. Blah, blah, blah.

Don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

(beeps)

Who is this beautiful lady from just last Tuesday? (Clicks tongue)

(beep) Ohh, and this one, with sunlight dappled on her face?

(beep) And this lovely lass eating a doughnut by the copy machine?

Wow. Bob, you have a lot of pictures of me.

Not just you.

(beep) Here's Mike.

(beep) The kids.

(beep) Ohh. Your house at night. So full of slumbering peace.

(beep) Wanna see it at Christmas?

No, thanks, Bob.

(beep)

It's eating my eyes. k*ll it! Head, meet b*llet. Ka-bam!

(expl*si*n) Ka-pow! (Laughs)

Mr. Heck, how are you, sir?

Great, Sean. Axel, I thought you had a big school project.

Why don't you stop wasting time and get to work? Ho-ho! For your information, we are working.

Our experiment is on the effects of video games On the teenage brain.

First, we play 36 hours of mutant road rage... (tires screech)

And then we watch a 10-hour "Wipeout" marathon And see how much of it we can remember. We even got a log. And your teacher signed off on this "experiment"?

Oh, yeah. Coach is totally cool with it.

Some other kids are studying the effects of music On coma patients. (laughs) Losers!

Hey, professor, you got a little bean dip On your log there. (doorbell rings)

I'll get it! Oh. Hi, Sean.

(mouths word)

Hi, Carly. What are you doing here?

I didn't want to tell anybody, Because I thought it was just a one-way crush, But then he gave me a ride to babysitting "on his way home."

It wasn't on his way home.

He lives on the corner, And I was going to Pondview Drive.

That's two extra stop signs.

And remember you tripped into that fire hydrant, And he said, "you're bleeding pretty bad. You want me to get your mom?"

(exhales deeply) Do you really think he likes me?

There's only one way to find out.

(car engines revving)

We should get these cookies.

Yes.

And we should get those marbles, too.

(Axel and Sean speaking indistinctly)

(lowered voice) Okay.

Just be cool.

Hey.

Shh!

(normal voice) Hey.

Getting a snack? (giggles)

Oh, yeah. Pay attention! Look at...

"Getting a snack?" you are way on his radar.

But he ignored me at first.

What does that mean?

My parents ignore each other all the time.

Oh, my God! You're totally getting married!

Ohh!

I was starting to feel a little better.

Bob was right.

Beer, frosting... Show me an old person's digestion That can handle this.

Hello, mother.

I just took a walk around the block with wet hair And swallowed a watermelon seed at lunch.

Pneumonia? No.

Watermelon growing in my belly? No.

Quite the tangled web, isn't it?

(whispers) Tangled web.

Yeah, but that pneumonia thing is real!

You just got lucky.

(click)

(car engines revving)

Hey, where's my "Oprah"? (turns off TV)

Axel, what'd you do to the TV?

(bones crunch)

Aah! Oh, come on.

(door closes) Hey. Just got back from my physical and guess what?

No creaks. No leaks. No nothin'.

Picture of perfect health.

That's awesome.

First, adult diapers, and now I throw out my back Plugging something in.

No amount of frosting in the world Can save me now.

It'd been days, and my back wasn't any better.

I still hadn't told Mike. I don't know why. Yes, I do.

The man never goes to the doctor and still has perfect health.

I'm sorry, but that's just rude.

A plugging-in injury.

Is that who I am now...

A person who can't plug things in?

Frankie: And then he takes me to the adult diapers.

I mean, come on. Look at me. I could have babies.

I could get pregnant right now.

Oh, turn left.

(mouths word)

(exhales deeply)

Guess what, mom? Rode home with a stranger today.

Perfectly fine.

Brick, come here. We have to talk. (Sighs) Brick!

Aah!

Come to me! Come to me!

(grunts)

(sighs)

Everyone needs a friend who will stop you When you're about to make a huge mistake.

Carly was not that friend. Sean is gonna love this poem.

It's, like, the most romantic thing ever.

Really? Did you notice how I used three different inks

To express my three different feelings?

I wrote it last month, but I got too nervous to give it to him.

Are you kidding? "Emotions glinting off my braces like the work of a Bedazzler."

He will love this.

I don't know. Is it too crazy?

We are living in the age of girl power.

You're right.

I am a woman of the 21st century, And I am gonna give it to him.

Oh, my God. I'm about to give it to him.

Oh! I just got the key to the machete cabinet.

God, I love homework.

(indistinct shouting and explosions)

Sean...

Man: Aah!

Um, can I see you in the...

(doorbell rings)

(sighs)

Hola.

(gasps) Oh, my God. My ex-boyfriend.

Brad, what are you doing here?

My tap class is just down the street, So I thought I'd stop by to pick up my colander.

I left it here when I took your family On that magical pasta tour of ltaly.

Hold on.

My ex-BF And my future BF.

In the same room? This is not good.

What am I gonna do? We have to be smart about this.

5. 1-2-3-4-5.

Blue. B-l-u-e.

3.

(tapping)

Hey, Brad.

Look at you...

Tap dancing on my porch where the neighbors can see.

Hi, Mr. Heck.

Just keeping my thighs hot while Sue grabs my colander.

I have no idea what that means, but why don't you wait inside?

(pants) Okay.

Sue, Brad's in the living room.

(Carly laughs) (Sue squeals) Okay!

(grunts) What are you doing?

Oh, nothin'. I was just lookin' for a button.

Oh! There it is.

Oh. It's a corn flake.

Hey, today's our anniversary.

What? Really?

Yeah. I forgot, too, but Bob sent us a card. That's nice.

And weird. Hey, why don't you put on some heels, And I'll take you out to a nice dinner?

Oh... (chuckles) I don't need a fancy dinner.

I'm still enjoying this carpet remnant You got me last year. But I got a coupon.

I'll even let you get what you want, And I'll get something of equal or lesser value.

Let's just float it to next month.

It's getting late, and I gotta find this button.

Come on. It's our anniversary. I just got a clean bill of health.

Maybe we'll even head home early for a little dessert. (Sighs)

Oh, God. I hope he's talking about ice cream.

Brad and Sean are out there together.

God, how did I mess everything up?

(gasps) I hope they don't fight over me.

Sean would k*ll him! He plays football.

Yeah, but Brad's pretty tough, too.

He's been taking movement classes. (sighs)

I was in a rush, so I just grabbed it myself, But come see me in "Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk."

Matinees... Saturday, Sunday. Mondays we're dark. Toodles.

(Axel and Sean laugh and speak indistinctly)

(door closes)

Oh, my God. I feel so bad. He's devastated.

(tapping in distance)

(sighs)

So I decided to tough it out and hope a warm bath... Come on. Aah! (Exhales deeply)

Would loosen up my plugging-in injury.

I know, I know. I should've just told him.

Don't judge.

Uh, hello. I'm in here.

Oh, sorry.

No, I meant, go to your own bathroom, Brick.

Hey, you know, wait a minute. My water's a little cold.

I need you to turn on the hot water for me.

Why can't you do it?

Well, you see, uh... (sighs) here's the thing, Brick.

I kinda hurt my back L-lifting something very heavy.

But you guys always say I'm not old enough To use the hot water by myself.

You're plenty old enough. Go ahead. Give it a spin.

(sighs)

Yep. That's enough. You can turn it off.

N-no. Ow. Ow. The... the other way.

Which way?

To the right. My right or the knob's right?

Who cares about the knob's right?

Your right! Ow! You're boiling me alive!

Aah!

I don't think I can do this anymore.

Brad's heartbroken.

Sean's from, like, a really prominent family.

I can't handle a love triangle.

I'm not a Kardashian.

We could use some of their wisdom right now.

Worst of all, it's made me take my eye off the ball, Which is cross-country.

(exhales deeply) There's only one thing to do here.

I gotta tell Sean it's not gonna work.

Righty tighty, lefty loosey! It won't turn off!

I don't know what I'm doing, and I still have to pee! No! Righty tighty, Brick! Aah!

And stop yelling at me!

(exhales deeply)

I don't know how you guys do that every day (sighs) Hey, Brick.

You know, we don't have to mention this to dad.

What, that you let me use hot water, When I'm clearly not ready?

No, I mean, he doesn't need to know I hurt my back.

More lies, mom? Where does it end with you?

You tell me not to lie, then you do it.

Okay, Brick, here's the thing.

Lying is absolutely 100% bad.

It's just that sometimes you do it To protect people that you care about.

Like when somebody gets a bad haircut, You still say, "Nice haircut."

Well, if you didn't want me to get a candy bar, Why couldn't you just say no?

But why not? But why not? But why not?

But why not? But why not?

It's just, Sometimes a little lie makes life easier.

You get it?

Whoa. Why aren't you ready? What's going on?

Why is all this water on the floor?

I found a spider under the porch.

It was a golden silk orb weaver, So I brought it in to show mom, But I accidentally dropped it in the tub, And she freaked out, So I tried to get it out before it drowned, But it was too late, so I flushed it, Which means if you want to see it, now you can't, Because it's gone. Nice haircut. I didn't know whether to be impressed or horrified.

My son had lied for me. I was in the clear.

Except I forgot one little thing. Brick had a tell.

(whispers) I'm lying.

(blows raspberry) Now that video games are homework, They're not as much fun anymore. (g*nf*re and explosions)

Yeah. I need to eat. I'm getting dizzy.

Yeah. Yeah, let's hit the drive-through.

I want a hamburger and, uh... Those things.

French fries.

No, but we should get those, too.

I should write this down.

Yeah.

Hey. We're going out to get food. Do you wanna come?

I want to, Sean. I really do.

But my life is way too complicated right now.

I think I really need to just focus on cross-country, And I hope you can understand that.

The timing is just all wrong.

(chuckles)

Isn't that always the case?

So... I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry, Sean, but I can't go with you.

We'll bring you back some nuggets. Later.

(door closes)

(sighs)

That was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I'm gonna try and watch "Eclipse"

And get my mind off it, But I don't think it's gonna work.

Hey, what's this? Some kind of a poem.

Pfft. (Chuckles)

"Feelings so strong, They can't be wrong..."

(chuckles)

"Like a butterfly and a dove Riding on a rainbow of love."

Everyone needs a friend who will stop you When you're about to make a huge mistake.

Carly was not that friend, But Axel was.

Oh, that's mine.

Just, uh, toolin' around with some lyrics For a song, y-you know. (chuckles)

Axel saving Sue?

I guess video games did addle his brain.

You dot your I's with hearts?

Th-those are butts.

(laughs)

(laughs)

You said you'd be dressed a half-hour ago.

What's the hold-up?

(crying) I can't get out.

I hurt my back plugging something in, And I didn't want to tell you, Because I didn't want you to think I was old and pathetic, And look at me. I can't get out of the tub.

I tried, and the whole curtain came down.

Have you been drinking wine in the tub again?

Mike, somebody thought I needed diapers.

Can you believe that?

I always thought that we would grow old together, But I'm way ahead of you!

I don't care what Dr. Oz says.

Women absorb all the stress in marriage.

Just ask Mrs. Dr. Oz!

Do you even know the family's whole schedule...

That Sue has cross-country From 3:00 to 5:00

And that Brick has the bookmobile Every Saturday at 11:00?

It takes a toll, Mike!

I didn't ever remember our anniversary.

Back, brain, bladder...

That's how it goes.

Okay.

Grab onto somethin'.

(sobs)

Ow.

(chuckles and grunts)

Just go find a new wife. Be happy.

Don't worry about me.

I'll just be here, falling apart before my time.

Just do me a favor. Plug everything in before you go.

Stop it, Frankie.

Yeah. Look at... look at my feet!

I have the feet of a 90-year-old woman!

You're just pruny from the water.

You're not falling apart.

Oh, yeah, says the man in perfect health Who's carrying me like a fireman in his prime!

I don't have perfect health.

Yes, you do. You said you did.

No, no. (Clears throat)

My cholesterol's high. I didn't want to tell you.

A little or a lot?

A lot.

Really? We're both falling apart?

Yep. Happy anniversary.

If I could move, I'd kiss you.

(chuckles) Mmm.

I love you.

Now get me a heating pad and the remote And don't touch me for a month.

It actually turned out to be One of our best anniversaries ever.

We laid in bed, ate pizza, And watched "when Harry met Sally."

(laughs)

(laughs)

And then a couple of days on a heating pad later...

You feelin' better, mom? You about ready to get up?

(sighs) I think I'm gonna need another day.

My back's still hurting pretty bad.

(sighs)

(whispers) I'm lying.

(crunches)