02x06 - Halloween

[bunniefuu]

Frankie: Out here in the middle, Halloween's huge... The trick-or-treating, the costumes... But our favorite thing is the night we all get together as a family to carve pumpkins.

Why am I the only one carving a pumpkin?

Why do we even do this anymore if they don't appreciate it?

Same reason we keep feeding 'em. Habit.

I'm ready to carve.

There ya go.

At least somebody's in the...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Okay! Why don't we trade?

You hold the marker, And I'll take the giant Kn*fe.

Oh, Mike, I forgot to tell ya, I met the Norwoods, The new neighbors down the block. They invited us to drop by this weekend.

What for? They don't even know us.

Well, it's not just us. I guess some other people are gonna be there.

What, like a party?

Uh, I don't know. It's a get-together.

Some people might call it a party.

So what day is this party?

I think it's Sunday?

So it's a Halloween party.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Yeah. I'm not dressing up.

Mike, come on! We never get invited to Halloween parties anymore. It'll be fun.

It's ridiculous. A bunch of grown-ups running around telling each other how cute they are.

Costumes on kids are cute.

Costumes on adults are sad and a little creepy.

Okay. I'm ready to carve.

Ha ha! The junior high got permission to move the Halloween dance to night time!

Sorry, Brick. Guess you're on your own this year.

Yes! Finally.

For years, Sue had dragged poor Brick around as part of her Halloween costume.

(singsongy) Trick or treat! (flatly) Trick or treat.

(flatly) Trick or treat. (singsongy) Trick or treat!

(singsongy) Trick or treat! (flatly) Trick or treat.

Well, excuse me for wanting your childhood to be fun.

Unlike Axl ever did for me.

Ohh, if I could only go back in time and right all the wrongs I've ever done to you!

Well, what are your big Halloween plans?

I bet they're not better than going to a dance... At night.

F.Y. your information, we're going to a totally rockin' haunted house that Darrin heard about.

It's run by people who work in a morgue, so there's real blood and actual body parts.

They don't tweet us the address till Halloween night, 'cause they have to move it every year, the cops'll show up and shut it down.

Seriously! It's illegally gross.

That does sound rockin', But who's gonna take Brick trick-or-treating now that Dad and I have a very fun, keep your mind open, costume party to go to?

Just think about it.

Yeah, I guess I could bring him if you want.

You like severed fingers?

Who doesn't?

You don't. Okay. Dad I will take you trick-or-treating before we go to the party. I'll get the aunts to come over And hand out candy. They're old. They like kids again.

Sue, guess what? I have a date for the Halloween dance.

What? I didn't know it was a date dance.

Yeah. Now that it's at night, everyone's going as couples.

Oh.

But wait. Here's the best part.

Natalie heard from Brian who heard from Stacey that Wylie Janousek likes you.

Really? Wylie Janousek?

Yep, and he's gonna ask you to the dance, and you're gonna get your first kiss, and it will be so romantic! (giggles) (high-pitched voice) oh, my God! Aah! (giggles)

(normal voice) Wait. Who's Wylie Janousek again?

It doesn't matter. Aah! (giggles) (giggles)

Hey there. I picked you up a little somethin' at the mall.

Oh, yeah?

Hmm.

(chuckles)

Interesting choice.

Not sure if it's my color...

And I already have so many fringy vests.

(inhales sharply) No.

Oh. (stomps foot)

Come on! You'll make such a cute hippie.

Wait. Does it make any sense when you see it next to this?

(scoffs) Fine. You don't want to be hippies.

I'll take it back and get us something else.

Who do you want to be?

I want to be Mike.

How about Bonnie and Clyde?

Or Bonnie and Mike.

Oh. Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein.

Or Mike and bride of Mike.

You know, you're gonna be pretty embarrassed when you're the only one not dressed up.

No, I don't think I will.

Oh, fine.

Wear the same two boring plaid shirts until you die.

That's the plan.

Sue, uh, hi.

Hi, Wylie.

Yeah. Listen. I don't know if you've heard anything, but people have been saying that, you know, I like you.

Oh? I hadn't heard anything.

Well, it's just sorta out there, and I just, you know, I want you to know... I don't.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Thank you for clearing that up, even though I hadn't heard it.

You can't ever have too much information.

Thank you.

Thank you so much!

(cries)

You know that bus crash yesterday on the interstate?

I heard they got there before the paramedics and swiped a couple of the bodies. (chuckles)

I heard no one's ever gotten through without barfing.

Mrs. Heck, nice to see you.

I told Michelle from algebra about how gnarly it's gonna be, and she wants to come.

Best part...she'll bring some of her hottie friends.

Wait. Do we really want chicks there? They'll get all scared.

Dude, think about it. Girls get scared, throw up all over the place, look to us for comfort. Boom!

We're making out with 'em.

Oh. Sweet!

(chuckles)

Kissing's gross enough, but wouldn't it be worse after the girl just threw up?

Your brother prefers to learn his lessons the hard way.

Well, change of plans.

Sue Heck won't be attending Hallowing dance this year.

Why? What happened?

Funny story...

Every one decided to go with dates, which I think it's... Fantastic.

Even better, there is this boy who I heard likes me.

But he came to my locker just to tell me that he doesn't like me.

Isn't that hilarious?

I didn't really want to go, anyway.

I'll just stay home and end up having candy with the aunts.

Yeah, three single ladies, drowning our sorrows in candy.

Oh, honey.

Well, unless Brick wants to go trick or treating with me...

Hey, you know, there is always the church team group.

I think there are doing a Hallowing hayride this year.

Oh yeah?

Whenever there is a exiting event for kids, The church always offers an... "alternative."

(all, monotone voices) Three... Two... One...

(clicks) Happy new year. (party horn blows)

A holy hayride. That could be really fun.

The new year's thing was... Fun, so... Okay.

Thank you.

So Halloween finally arrived.

Sue was off to the hayride, Axel was off to his body parts, and the aunts were prepped and ready.

Okay. One piece of candy per kid.

Watch out for grabbers and repeaters, and I shouldn't have to say this, but if you run out of candy, you can't go giving out cigarettes and pills.

We've been giving out candy for years.

We'll be fine.

Hey, baby. Power to the people.

Ooh. Who's the square in the plaid shirt?

Oh, right. It's that costume that always sells out first every year... Mike.

Hey, Brick, let's go.

I'm ready.

Wow, look at you...

All... Wearing a skirt and everything.

Who you supposed to be?

He's Shirley temple.

You don't recognize me? From history?

Okay. I'll give you a hint.

I d*ed from bayonet wounds in the great w*r.

(imitates Scottish accent) I'm sergeant Charles Mackenzie, The Scottish world w*r I hero.

(normal voice) Look, I don't expect a lot of adults to get it.

I don't think a lot of kids are gonna get it either.

Hey. I thought you were gonna get a date for me.

Are we picking her up later?

Oh. Yeah. Uh... Do you have a date for my friend?

No. Sorry, dude. I tried.

Are you sure this is where the directions said to go?

The tweet said to turn left onto the dirt road after the seventh barn.

But we passed, like, 100 barns.

Well, maybe if you were a better barn counter, we wouldn't be lost right now.

(all) Trick or treat!

Oh, look. A princess and a ghost and a...

Catholic school girl.

(Scottish accent) I am sergeant Charles Stuart Mackenzie.

I d*ed in France.

(normal voice) Bayonet injury...

Is none of this ringing a bell?

Brick, just get the candy and move on! They're not gonna get it!

You couldn't talk him into superman or something?

Clearly I'm not good at talking anybody into doing anything they don't want to do. Not when they don't want to look stupid.

(imitates British accent) 'Ello, 'ello, blokes. (gasps)

Anybody call for a chimney sweep?

Jeez Hi, bob! You look so cute.

(normal voice) You look so cute! Oh.

So you couldn't talk crabby pants into the vest, huh?

Bob, aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating?

Oh, it's not for me.

I just donate all the candy to the sick kids in the hospital.

Mm-hmm. Ohh. You got a little chocolate on your face there.

Oh! Hey, listen, big man. I just shotgunned three pixy stix.

(British accent) You do not wanna mess with me! (laughs)

See? Even Bob dressed up.

I wouldn't count on winning any argument that starts with "Even Bob."

(sighs) You know, I just don't get you sometimes.

Halloween is a night of fantasy, Of... Of being somebody you always wanted to be.

Haven't you ever just wanted to be somebody else, just for one night?

Am I married or unmarried in this scenario?

(sighs) No, I'm serious.

Isn't there some dream, some fantasy, you know, something else you hope for in life?

Not really.

Nothing?

No. I'm content.

You're content? With this life?

The one we're living right now?

Yep.

Why?

Meanwhile, Sue was looking toward a pretty dreary Halloween with stodgy old reverend Hayver and the rest of the kids with nothing to do. And then something amazing happened.

Happy Halloween, Sue Heck.

Reverend Timtom.

You remembered my name... After only meeting me two times And then coming to my family's barbecue.

That's amazing. But what are you doing back in Orson?

I thought you moved to Dayton.

Aw, Sue.

I'm the Roving Rev. I go where the teens need me the most.

The teens in Orson need you, too. I can be troubled.

I once took cough syrup even though my cough was mostly over.

Oh, I'm never too far away.

I've either just been here, or I'm on my way back through.

Well, Sue Heck, what do you say we get this party started?

(gasps)

♪ plenty of ghosts on Halloween ♪
♪ some are nice, and some are mean ♪
♪ I know a ghost pleasant as can be ♪
♪ I ain't talkin' about Casper or Jacob Marley ♪
♪ sea to sea, coast to coast ♪
♪ he's the absolute most, he's the holy ghost ♪

Halloween night was in full swing, and it was nice to know that aunt Edie and aunt Ginny were holding down the fort.

(doorbell rings)

Hello? (ring)

(ring)

Man: Hey. It's groundskeeper Willie from "The Simpsons."

Does no one read history on this block?

I'm thinking he might just wanna go with groundskeeper Willie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

That is a lot of toilet paper you got there.

Yeah. Yeah, uh, my mom asked me to get it for her.

Oh, wow, what a nice kid you are, Going shopping for your mom on Halloween, instead of running around pulling pranks and causing trouble.

Um... I'm gonna call the police right now And recommend you for some kind of plaque or somethin'.

(bag hits ground)

What?

Nothin'.

You wanna be a Halloween narc, that's fine with me.

So I should've just let 'em T.P. some house, so the poor family has to clean up 32 rolls of toilet paper in the morning?

Whatever.

Come on, Brick.

(sighs) Well, don't just leave it there.

(scoffs)

This is 3-ply. This is coming with us.

(sighs)

I know that Halloween can be kinda scary, But you know what's even scarier?

Just being a teen in this crazy world, huh?

But there's no judgment in God's yearbook.

You're all voted "most likely to dance."

Grab a partner, and let's get ready to rock.

Hey, Sue Heck. I could use a tambourine player.

(clatters)

(chuckles) got it. I got it!

♪ Dress like a devil ♪
♪ dress like a ghoul ♪
♪ Jesus don't mind ♪
♪ he's pretty cool ♪
♪ dress like a playa, dress like a ref ♪
♪ one year I dressed like Gandhi and collected for UNICEF ♪
♪ A-hey, hey, Halloween ♪
♪ well, it's Halloween, and by the way ♪
♪ it's really all saints' day ♪

(b*ating unrhythmically)

That's too fast, Sue Heck.

That's a little too slow.

Hey, you know what? What do you say I just follow you?

Axl's plan to scare the girls was working, especially now that they were lost.

I'm scared.

Me, too.

If you're scared, come a little closer, huh?

I'm serious.

This road reminds me of that story.

What story?

(sighs) It was, like, ten years ago.

There were these teenagers in a car on their way up to that abandoned drive-in on route 4, and they disappeared.

Then, like, years later, a farmer was plowing his field, and he found a shallow grave with a bunch of chopped-up teenagers in it.

But when they finally counted up all the body parts, There was an extra head...

With no body!

But they were okay, right?

No, Darrin. No.

(thud, car skids, engine stops)

(yanks gearshift)

No.

(engine revving, tires screeching)

Look, I'm not groundskeeper Willie, Hannah Montana, a bagpiper, Or anybody from "Gossip Girl."

(whispers) "Gossip Girl."

Well, I don't know any of those people, but, to me, you look like sergeant Charles Mackenzie.

You know who I am?

The man's a legend.

Mom, can I stay at Mr. Johnson's?

He knows who I am!

I'll walk him home later, Frankie.

Okay.

(imitates Scottish accent) The Seaforth Highlanders would never leave a man behind. (Scottish accent) - Aye. Indeed.

Oh, hey. Don't worry about that tambourine.

You're a very enthusiastic player.

That's nothing to be down about.

I just thought this year was gonna be the best ever, 'cause I'm on cross-country.

Did I tell you I'm on cross-country?

Yeah. Yeah, I think you mentioned it a couple times... During the song.

But I just feel like I'm behind in...

everything.

Getting my braces off, My first kiss...

I'm sorry. I don't want to ruin your Halloween.

(sighs)

Maybe I should just skip the hayride and go home.

So you're in a rough patch.

You know who hit a rough patch?

Jesus.

He was dead.

But then three days later, he was back on his feet, Rockin' it resurrection style.

My point is, you never know what's right around the corner.

You know, I think I will go on that hayride.

Thank you, reverend Timtom.

You really do get teens.

(chuckles)

(grunts) Whoo-hoo!

(Sighs) Great job, Frankie!

Now save that. We're making caramel apples later.

Wanna go next, Mike?

Don't worry. He doesn't.

Hey, I finally get it! You're the brawny guy!

Oh, sorry. We're a hippie... And Mike.

(disco music playing)

I love this song! Dance with me.

Woman: ♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪
♪ ah, ah ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪

Come on!

Put your beer down and get into it.

♪ all right, ooh ♪
♪ doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo ♪
♪ doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo ♪

Child: Where are you? I see you in there! (pounding on door, doorbell ringing)

(children, chanting) Candy, candy, candy!

Child: Give it now or else! We want candy!

(tires screeching, engine revving)

It's... It's stuck in the mud.

We're gonna have to get out and push.

I'm sure that guy who k*lled those teens Is probably gone by now.

(exhales deeply)

All right. Ready?

(grunts) Oh!

k*ll it!

It's a bird, and it's trying to fly in my hair!

Aah! Get it off of me! Get it off me!

It's trying to fly in my hair! Aah! Aah! Oh, my God!

Aah! Aah! Get it off me! No, no, get it off me!

Oh. My bad.

(pants)

(sighs)

We're good! We got this totally under control.

Frankie.

Hey.

What's... (chuckles) What's going on? Are you really mad?

What's going on?

What's going on is that you wouldn't dance.

Everybody was dancing... The smoking baby guy,

The screaming Mel Gibson guy, both of the situations, Oh, but not Mike.

What are you talking about? I was out on the dance floor.

Yeah, but you wouldn't dance. You just stood there like a... Maypole

While I danced around you.

You looked ridiculous.

(snorts) I looked ridiculous? What was this?

I'm being a hippie!

Please. That's your signature move.

You break it out at every wedding we go to.

I-I don't get what's happening, Mike.

I don't get what's happened to you.

You used to dance before we got married.

You really want to go down this road of things we used to do before marriage that we don't do after?

I just thought that for one Halloween, we didn't have to do the same old thing... Sitting on the couch, complaining about how kids are gonna smash pumpkins.

I thought for once, we could put on some fringy vests...

And just have fun, but, no, you're not fun. You're Mike.

I'm fun. We just have a different definition of the word is all.

You think adults dressing up And... And bobbing for swine flu is fun.

And I'm right.

Aah! Why don't you get it?

I just want to have a good time.

Who's stopping you? Go! Have fun.

I wanna have fun with you, Mike!

You should be happy. 17 years. I still want to have fun with you.

(sighs)

Wh-what are you doing?

Nothin'.

Just havin' fun.

(gasps, lowered voice) Mike! This is the Donahues' yard. They're our friends!

Yeah, I know. They're also sort of annoying. That's what makes this fun.

Are you fun or not?

But they're home! So we have to be quick.

I'll get the tree. You get the bushes.

Give me another one.

All right.

Oh! This is fantastic. (laughs)

♪ anything can happen ♪
♪ you never know what's gonna come ♪
♪ anything can happen ♪
♪ for anyone ♪

(thud)

(grunts and chuckles) Oh. Sorry.

That's, uh,that's a nice costume.

Do you, uh... Do you want to kiss?

Uh... Okay.

(chuckles)

♪ see the stars at night ♪
♪

(exhales deeply and chuckles)

(chuckles)

♪ anything can happen ♪

Do you... Do you want to go again?

Okay.

♪ on a night like this ♪

Halloween is a night of surprises, all right.

Sue got her kiss...

Axl didn't...

Brick found someone who understood him...

And Mike and I...

Well, let's just say that we had some honest to goodness fun...

(grunts) (siren wailing in distance)

Until the cops came.

(both laugh) (dog barking)

We lost the heat.

♪ on a night like this ♪

Edie: Well, it's late. We need to be goin'.

Strange. (chuckles)

Not one trick-or-treater this year.

Well, no wonder.

It snowed. (chuckles)

Yep, I have to say, Halloween this year turned out to be pretty groovy.

I guess on the night of the first snow, Anything can happen. Aah! (laughs)