02x13 - Super Sunday

[bunniefuu]

(Crows caw)

Frankie: It's that time of year, when everyone gears up for one special Sunday... (Cheering)

Where the best of the best go head-to-head in an epic showdown of skill, speed, and brute strength.

It's square dancing with the stars!

(Squeals) Brad just asked me to be his partner!

This Sunday? Super Bowl Sunday?

Do parents go to this?

Well, you don't have to, but it's the coolest thing at school.

There's a big trophy and hay bales, and I hear there's even gonna be punch made with name-brand pop.

I'm gonna go check the garage rehearsal space, get a feel of the room.

Mrs. Heck, do you have a regulation tap floor?

We have a concrete slab with a big grease stain in the middle.

Well, if I can dance on wood chips at camp, I can dance on anything.

Mom, I need your advice.

I was super-excited when Brad asked me to be his partner after his original partner got mono and his replacement partner tore a ligament and nobody answered his ad in the school paper, but I'm afraid he's just asking me in order to rekindle our romance.

Uh, you know, I don't think you have to worry about that too much.

Are you sure?

Brad: Sue, I'm borrowing your leg warmers.

Positive.

(Chuckles)

Okay, team worthless, huddle up.

This Saturday, I'm taking one of you to a managerial seminar in lndianapolis.

It's very prestigious, and rumor has it that one of the pips will be playing in the lounge.

Excellent. I'll bring my box of Cubans, sir.

Actually, Pete, you're not going anywhere.

I've decided to take Frances.

M-me? Really?

Yes, you, really.

And, Pete, you can leave those Cubans on my desk.

Aah! Well, well, well.

You little minx.

I guess we know how you swung that... a little boom boom with the boss man?

I had you pegged all wrong, Frankie.

You're a k*ller with lady parts. Nicely played.

Did any of you ever stop to think for a second that maybe Mr. Ehlert just might see something in me?

(Sighs)

(Under breath) But what?

So between the excitement of seminars and square dancing... (Clicks)

(Crowd cheering) There was still a little left over for a little something called the Super Bowl.

Hey, where you going? Pro bowl's on.

Countdown to the big game begins. Wanna watch?

Uh, let's see. I could watch it here with you and stare at your big toe sticking out of your sock, or I could go to Sean's and watch it on a TV from this century.

This is my lucky sock, and "no, thanks" would've been fine.

(Door closes)

Is that about the Super Bowl?

Yep.

Can I see it?

Sure.

Wow.

This is really fascinating.

It is?

Yeah. See this font?

It's copperplate gothic.

I'd love to meet the typographer who laid this out.

You'd rather meet the guy that picked the font than the superstar running back they're writing about?

Hello. Copperplate gothic.

That's in the sans serif family of typeface.

(Whispers) Sans serif.

You know, Brick, I bet that would've been a real conversation starter in the 1600s, but you know what men talk about today? Sports.

Here we go.

It's the language of men, buddy.

A great icebreaker... in bars, in elevators, even in the john.

If you can talk sports, you can talk with any guy in the world.

Every year we have people over here for the Super Bowl.

What do you do?

(Men cheering)

Inside voices, please!

I'm just saying, you like to read?

Well, there's a lot of fun words in football.

You like the 3-syllable ones, right?

I find them very soothing.

Well, look at this.

"Quarterback."

"Buttonhook."

"Flea-flicker."

I did not realize that.

Hey.

Hey.

Guess who Mr. Ehlert is taking to a big management seminar?

You.

Mike! Don't you even want to go through the fun of guessing?

Why's he taking you?

I know, right?

But then I started thinking, maybe I'm not a great salesperson because I'm more of a management type.

I mean, really, think about it.

I do have a way with people. I'm a great multitasker.

I mean, I manage this house, don't I? It's not so different.

Well, that's great. This mean you're getting a raise?

Ohh. How great would that be?

Then we could go back to being a 4-job family instead of a 5-job family.- Easy girl. Don't buy that jet just yet.

So when is this seminar?

It's all day Saturday.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Saturday?

That's just one day till the Super Bowl.

I don't want you gone that close to the Super Bowl.

I'll miss ya.

Ohh. Really?

(Crowd cheering on TV)

Really?

Really?

Hmm? What?

Oh, yeah, with ice. That'd be great. Thanks.

(Sighs)

Okay, Sue, I b*rned a practice CD of the hottest new square dancing hits.

(Banjo and Fiddle playing)

Feel the b*at of the jug.

And do-si-do.

Oh! Whoops. (Chuckles) No. To your left. Again.

(Sighs)

Oh. (Chuckles) Okay.

Maybe we should just back up, start with the basics.

That was the basics. Watch. It's like this.

(Chuckles) Hey.

Look at you, square dancing with the garage door open so the neighbors can see.

(Clicks, whirring)

Okay. Ready. Ready to discuss sports.

Really? Okay.

Uh, let's see what you got.

What is a quarterback?

Quarterback or cornerback?

Because one leads the offense, and the other plays defense.

Of course, the introduction of turf in the '70s sped up the defensive game to a point where the quarterback had to adapt, becoming more mobile out of the pocket.

Wow, Brick.

And, you know, with the west coast offense...

Don't tell me anything past 1983.

I only read up to where the Miami Dolphins drafted this guy named Dan Marino.

He looks pretty good. I bet he won a lot of Super Bowls.

It was the moment Mike had waited for his whole life... the day Brick said something he was actually interested in.

(Banjo and Fiddle playing)

Now courtesy turn and load the boat!

Oh.

Oh. (Pants)

Sue, I have to tell you something.

Please just listen and hear me and don't say anything just yet.

Oh, my God. I was afraid this would happen.

Don't say it, Brad.

You're a terrible dancer.

?

Wait.

Are you square-dance breaking up with me?

(Sighs)

(Music stops)

It's not you. It's me, for thinking you could do it.

But I can do it.

My cross-country coach once told me, I have the heart of a champion and the legs of a spectator.

Whatever it takes, I'm willing to work for it.

I can be a tough coach.

There'll be tears...

From both of us.

(Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" playing)

Again!

? It's the eye of the tiger ? Again.

? It's the thrill of the fight ? Again.

♪ Risin' up to the challenge of our rival ♪

Again.

♪ And the last known survivor ♪
♪ st*lks his prey in the night ♪
♪ and he's watching us all ♪
♪ in the eye of the tiger ♪

Okay, I'm off to my seminar.

You know, I'm almost the tiniest bit starting to think of my job as a stepping-stone to... maybe a career, and you know what?

Possibly not hating it quite so much.

Go get 'em.

Oh, and, hey, if they have those tiny bottles of hot sauce at the lunch, bring 'em back for the Super Bowl.

What do you think the briefcase is for?

Hey, dad, can I watch the Super Bowl countdown with you?

Oh! I forgot. This is suck town!

Oh! (Chuckles)

Chopped down by the a* man!

Timber! (Laughs)

That's fine. I'm watching with Brick.

Ha.

That's hilarious.

So, Brick, what do you think is the key to tomorrow's game?

One word... turnovers.

And not just 'cause it's three syllables.

Hmm.

Okay.

Mike: Turnovers are the key to win.

Bye.

A lot of people don't recognize that.

You got that right away. Excellent.

By the way, dad, did you know that blue shirt you wear... (Door opens)

With the numbers is for a team from lndianapolis?

They're called the Colts.

That's great, Brick.

Whoo! Nice briefcase.

Thanks. It's from Brick's old Halloween costume.

Sue went as an Oscar, so she made Brick go as a guy from Price Waterhouse.

How many naughty nighties do ya got in there?

Stop it, Pete.

We all know there's nothing sexual about Frankie.

Joke all you want. I know you're just jealous 'cause Mr. Ehlert sees management potential in me, a woman, and not you...

(Scoffs) So how about you boys just save all the innuendos and the dirty little comments? This trip is 100% business.

(Horn honks) Come on, toots! Let's hit the road!

So, Mr. Ehlert, about the seminar that we are going to...

Really honored that you picked me...

For the seminar that we're going to.

I just hope we're not late for that session on...

Come on, Frances.

You're a smart woman. You know there's no seminar.

Oh, no.

Okay, I just want to remind you, Mr. Ehlert, that my husband is quite tall, and he gets very jealous.

(Laughs) Oh. Get over yourself.

If I wanted to cheat on my wife, I'd go to a big city and do it with an ethnic gal.

You're taking me to my colonoscopy.

Wait. Your what now?

My colonoscopy.

There's only two doctors who do 'em in Orson, and I sold both of 'em lemons, so I gotta get it done in lndy.

Hold on. But what about the seminar?

I mean, I read up on variable rate auto loans, and I thought you saw potential in me.

I do. Potential to drive me back tonight.

I'll be under a light anesthesia.

So you lied to me?

All of this is just a big lie to get me to drive you to your colonoscopy?

Oh, stop whining, Frances.

I couldn't let the other guys know about this.

I need them to respect me. What about my respect?!

Not following you.

Now be a good girl and rub my shoulders.

I get very tense when I drive.

(Crowd cheering on TV)

Most people think the Colts lost last year because Peyton Manning threw that pick-6, but really it's because they couldn't defend against Pierre Thomas on critical downs.

I just realized this is the longest conversation we've sn't about something you accidentally swallowed.

Hmm. I guess you're right.

See, and the great part is, you can talk about this stuff with any guy.

Sashay in, circle left, and box the gnat...

(grunts) Ohh!

Sorry, sorry. Left, I know.

My legs are just trained to run straight in the woods.

Okay, just... practice turning left.

Yo' left!

(Door opens and closes)

Yo' left! Yo' left! Yo' left!

You're in my spot. Move. Yo' left! Yo' left!

I'm talking sports with dad.

(Laughs) Yeah, right, and I'm reading.

Well, actually he has a pretty good theory about the spread offense.

Anybody can talk about it.

Not everybody can play it.

Right, dad? Like you and me.

We both play football, huh?

Huh? Huh? Go long!

Ohh! Dancer down!

Axl, will you cut it out?

Your brother and I are trying to watch TV.

I'm okay.

And you hurt your sister.

(Cheering continues)

I don't know exactly which level of hell it is where you're forced to see your boss in a hospital gown, but it's pretty far down there.

Thankfully, we were in the home stretch, and this nightmare was almost over.

And have you eaten any solid food in the past 12 hours?

Uh, no.

(Scoffs) Yeah, right.

He was hitting drive-thrus like he was in a contest.

Well, we can't do the procedure if he ate.

We're gonna have to reschedule for tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow?

No, no, no. What are you saying?

That we're supposed to drive all the way back to Orson and then come back in the morning?

Simmer down, Frances. I'm not about to inconvenience you.

(Mr. Ehlert snoring)

We'll be competing here in 24 hours.

I want you to feel the space.

Sense the flow.

Be the flow.

Now quick, allemande left!

(Groans)

No, Sue, that's your right. Your right!

(Sighs) I'm sorry.

What's going on with you?

We have to perform tomorrow, and you still don't get it.

Maybe I'm just not a dancer.

I know, but I am, or...

I'm supposed to be.

This is pretty much all I've got.

What do you mean?

I'm not an athlete like you, Sue.

But you have so many friends...

Genny, Claire, Bella, Carly.

And you're good at everything... cooking, tapping, creating centerpieces out of everyday objects.

But those skills aren't always appreciated in junior high.

Sometimes people make fun of those things.

Brad, if you could win Square Dancing with the Stars, you would not be made fun of ever again.

(Sighs) Sue, we're not gonna win.

Maybe I should just stay home tomorrow and watch that thing that's on TV with my dad.

We can't win, but you can.

During our freestyle solo, I'll stand still, and you dance around me.

You think that would work?

I may not be able to dance, but there's one thing I can do really well, and that's stand perfectly still.

It's why I've never been stung by a bee.

(Rustling)

Mr. Ehlert?

What are you doing?

I got the night eats.

No, no, no!

You are not eating and ruining your procedure!

What's with the drama?

We can just reschedule for Monday.

Do you even care what my plans were for this weekend?

I was supposed to watch the Super Bowl with my family, and my daughter's in a square dancing competition, and I can't go to it because of you!

Look, Frances...

(Bench clatters)

The truth is, I'm scared.

You're not scared.

Okay, I'm not scared.

Now give me my pork rinds!

No! No!

No, no, no!

I've worked for you for two years, and you still make me get you coffee, clean your tie, look into your throat with a flashlight to see if your tonsils are inflamed.

And then you say you're taking me to a management seminar, and I think, "wow, he sees something in me."

Well, you did see something in me... a sucker!

And I take it and take it and never complain, because I need this job, but at some point, I need my self-respect more.

I quit!

(Sighs)

You'll need someone to drive you home in the morning, but when I get you home, I quit!

So while I spent the next day continuing my descent into the inferno, Mike was in man heaven.

Super Bowl!

(Men, chanting) Super Bowl! Super Bowl!

Did you know that Super Bowl XII was the first Super Bowl played in a domed stadium?

This the same kid who used to rub ketchup packets?

Oh, he still does that, but what do I care when he can tell me who invented the nickel defense?

Jerry Williams.

That's my boy!

Yeah! Up top.

Okay, last chance to come to square dancing with the stars.

Any takers?

Men: Oh.

Uh, I-I'd love to, but I get cramps.

Your mom's out of town. I should be here in case she calls.

But, hey, knock 'em dead. (Chuckles)

You're missing the coin toss. Heads!

Men: Yes!

Did you know, the majority of teams who won the coin toss lost the game?

I don't want to hear that right now.

The odds of the team winning the coin toss and then winning the Super Bowl are I in 2.15.

Of course, if you mean calling and winning the toss, the odds are...

(Banjo and Fiddle playing) Let's start it up with a chain through.

Sides in, pass through. Heads up, pass through.

Now yellow rock your corner gal, then show you're deft with a circle left.

I went left!

Whoa. They're going for it on 4th.

Odds say they won't make it.

Well, that's what makes it fun, Brick.

Men: Oh, man.

See, now they've turned the ball over, and historically, this team struggles playing red zone defense.

In 1972...

Well, I gotta work early.

See ya, Mike.

Well, it's only the first quarter.

You don't wanna leave now.

(Door opens and closes) From that point on, the one stat you could count on was as long as Brick was there, a man would leave the Heck house every 24 minutes.

Sure, they may be good this year, but enjoy it now, 'cause with five free agents on the roster, you won't see 'em back at another Super Bowl for a long time.

So the name "Super Bowl" came about 'cause Kansas City chiefs owner Lamar Hunt saw his daughter playing with a "super ball."

You're just wrong. You may not know you're wrong, but you're wrong.

You know, maybe I will check out that square dancing.

What? No. Hey, Bill, wait. Come on.

I-I'll break out the good beer from the back of the fridge, the kind you need an opener for. (Door opens)

(Crowd groaning)

Way to go, Brick. You cleared the place out.

I don't get it. I talked about sports the whole time.

Yeah, the whole time.

You droned on with useless facts and boring stats.

Hey, I got a stat for ya.

Odds are, no one's coming here to watch a football game ever again.

Okay, I know this whole thing with Brick is just a ploy to get my attention, and it will not work!

Oh, my God.

You're letting him wear your Colts jersey?

You never let me wear it! What?

He's your son now?!

I've always been his son.

Aha!

So he admits it!

You've been plotting and planning this since the day you were born!

You're crazy! I just wanted to read!

Oh, yeah, if I'm crazy, If you had sat down and watched sports how come I've been watching you two... And laughing! with dad like you were supposed to... by now!

(Whistles) Hey! Quiet!

Oh, great.

While you two were yelling, I just missed an interception.

Historically, interceptions lead to...

No more! Both of ya, out!

I'm gonna watch the rest of this game by myself in peace!

It's true, what they say.

The Super Bowl is the most emotional time for men, but I was having an R.V. full of emotions myself.

Look, I know this whole quitting thing was just a little lady drama, and, uh, maybe it's the oxy talking, but, uh, I'm willing to forget about it, because, uh, well, you've got me in a little pickle here.

(Chuckles) 'Cause I was gonna thr*aten to fire ya if you ever said anything about this, but now I can't, so, uh, how about you come back, and instead of 5% commission, I give you 5 1/2 to keep your mouth shut?

You know, Mr. Ehlert...

(Sighs) I don't care how rich you are.

I'm not gonna let you keep treating me this way.

I'm someone you can't buy, not for a lousy 5 1/2%.

Even 6% would be a massive insult.

7%... I'm still hating you.

9 might almost forgive missing the Super Bowl with my husband.

20% and I'm listening.

9.

Deal.

Hell, you don't need no seminar.

(Banjo and Fiddle playing)

Top it off with a do-si-do. Next pair up, it's your solo.

Now before you show us what you got, circle left around the spot. (gunts)

(Lowered voice) Brad! Left! Yo' left!

?

And that's when, on Super Bowl Sunday, Sue forgot all about standing still and instead became the M.V.P. of Square Dancing with the Stars.

Got our ribbons. Look!

"8th place" and "participant"!

Two ribbons for the bulletin board.

Aah! (Giggles)

Sue, there were only eight couples.

How can you be happy about this? We lost.

I guess I'm used to it.

I really wanted to win.

Brad, think about it.

Do you really want to peak in eighth grade?

There's nowhere to go but down.

But 'cause we're building character now, we can peak when we're 30, when we have the money and clear skin to enjoy it.

We are gonna be the most awesome adults.

I almost feel sorry for the winners.

We did it, Brad. We participated.

We got ribbons. We got our names in the programs.

They listed me as "Sue Hick," but I know it's me.

(Chuckles) And now we get to go to the pie house...

(High-pitched voice) In our costumes. (Chuckles)

Yep, I guess that's how it is on game day.

Sometimes you win...

Sometimes you lose...

And sometimes it's enough just to participate.

So, Brick, uh, that Super Bowl logo... is that serif or sans serif?

Sans serif. See, dad?

If you can talk about fonts, you can talk to anyone.