02x16 - Hecks On A Plane

[bunniefuu]

(Crows caw)

Frankie: Everybody loves winter...

Till it goes on forever.

Then you get a little something called the winter blahs.

I'm bored.

We all are. Go over to the Donahues'.

Can't. They just got a new car, and they're all out riding around in it.

How come we never get anything good? I wish I was a donahue.

Me, too.

Me, too. Look, we all agree, none of us want to be us, but we're stuck being us, so just climb on board.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! I won!

I won a contest! (Screaming)

Now you may wonder why we weren't more excited, but, see, over the years, Sue'd won a lot of contests.

I won a free mix-in at the yogurt store. Aah!

(Gasps) Hundredth caller! K-102 morning zoo bumper sticker (gasps) Pickle lover's recipe book!

52 pickle recipes with colored pictures!

Aah!

I won a trip to New York!

Look, you guys. I won! I really won! (Chuckles)

You really won a trip to New York?

(Laughs) I was at the orthodontist, and in this travel magazine, there was this little card you had to fill out with "I love..." Blank... "York" and mail it in. I put "new," and I guess I was right. Whew.

So lucky. I was this close to saying "Michael. " Oh, my God, Mike.

Airfare and hotel. It's a trip for four to New York! Aah! Aah!

♪ We won a trip for four, we won a trip for four ♪ give me that. Let me see.

♪ We won a trip for four ♪

Hey! (Laughs)

Yeah! Look at you! Nice going.

♪ We won a trip for four ♪

(Mike and Axl laugh)

(Sue and Frankie) ♪ we won a trip for four ♪

(Laughs) What's going on?

The four of us are going to New York.

I told you, we never should've had the extra kid.

Odd numbers are always trouble. Well, what are we gonna do? Should we leave Brick here?

(Switch clicks) He'll probably just have his nose stuck in a book the whole time anyway, and is he really old enough to appreciate it? Good night, mom. Good night, dad. I love you guys.

Oh, he's good.

(Chuckles) And he has ears like a bat, apparently.

Look, Frankie, you should just take the kids.

I'll stay here. You would be taking the kids, right?

(Sighs) Mike, you have to go. Listen, we all have to go.

I mean, do you realize how lucky we are to have won?

The Donahues might have a new car, but the hecks won four tickets to New York.

Well, if we were really lucky, we'd have won five.

Okay, we can think of this as a problem, or we can think of it as a probletunity. Probletunity?

It's good, right? (Laughs and sighs)

We just have to get creative.

We can get an extra ticket on one of those discount web sites.

I mean, sure, we might have to fly at an inconvenient time, but you can save a lot of money.

It's 6:00! We overslept! We're gonna miss our flight!

The cushion is gone, people!

It's gone! No pooping! No shower! The cushion's gone!

Damn it!

Ohh. Ohh!

Go, go, go, go!

Come on. You heard your mother! Go, go, go! Axl!

Aah. Aah! (Thud)

Ohh. Where's your orange shirt?!

You're supposed to be wearing orange! Oh!

We're all wearing orange, so nobody gets lost. Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Mike! Yeah, I'm not doing that either.

Oh, thank God I was so excited I slept in my clothes.

(Gasps) Oh, no. Woofy dog!

Suitcase, I.D., purse, phones. Okay. Come on, people!

Car, car, car! Let's go, go, go, go, go!

Where's Brick?!

Right here. Oh. Okay. We can make it! Go, go! Come on! Come on!

We're gonna make it! We're gonna make it!

Out the door. Out the door. Out the door. Whoo!

New York City, here we come!

I can't believe I got bumped up to first class.

(Singsongy) Sweet! You didn't get the upgrade! If anyone got the upgrade, it's me.

(Normal voice) Pfft. Please. Just being allowed to travel with the humans is an upgrade for you. I thought they were gonna make us check you with the rest of the pets.

(Chuckles) Oh, yeah! a*-man's already swinging at 8:00 A.M.

Cool it, a*-man. Everyone will get their chance in first class.

Where's Brick?! Right here.

(Sighs) Okay, you know, I'm tired, and you wander, so put this on.

Okay. (Sighs)

Oh. (Grunts)

Ohh. All right. (Grunts)

Ma'am, you're gonna need to check that bag.

Oh, no. No. That's okay. No, thanks.

We're not checking any bags. We're just carrying on.

Ma'am, if it won't fit through the screener... (Grunts)

You're gonna have to check that bag.

(Chuckles) For $2a bag, it'll fit. Uh... ma'am.

(Grunts) Make it... Make it...

(Rollers rattling)

(Panting) You know what?

It'll fit.

I just gotta rearrange a few things.

Ay. Okay.

Hey, everybody, put some clothes on. Come on.

Just shut the suitcase! Mom, shut the bag! Put some clothes on! Just put some clothes on.

I'm already sweating. This is ridiculous. (Whispers) Come on. Right now. Put 'em on. Do it quick.

Put the clothes on. Get 'em on. Okay!

Here. Take the jacket. Get '.

Whoo! Did it! (Chuckles) I did it.

Suck it, security lady. I made it fit!

I did not know you were not allowed to say "suck it" in security.

That must be one of those new t.S.A. Rules.

Sir, do you have any electronics in your bag... camera, portable DVD player, iPod, iPad, laptop?

My wife's wearing 3 coats to save $25.

What do you think?

(Frankie, panting) Oh. We made it.

We made it. Ohh.

Now our trip begins. Now the fun starts.

(Gasps) Where's Brick?!

I'm right here.

Well, this is my stop. Later, cattle.

Ohh. I'll have a chardonnay, please. Thanks so much.

You will not have a chardonnay, and when you're old enough to drink, you will have a beer. (Exhales deeply)

Oh, no. We aren't sitting together? Oh, no.

That's not right. No, we should all be together. I... mm.

Woman: Can everyone please take their seats so we can prepare for takeoff?

(Sighs) Um, excuse me. We are on a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and our seats aren't together, and who knows how many family vacations we have left, so, uh, ma'am, would you mind taking a seat next to this gentleman over here, so we can sit with our children?

But I have an aisle, and that's a middle. Okay, not a problem.

Is there anyone who's willing to switch to take a middle seat?

Huh? Not a big deal, really.

We're all gonna get there at the same time, right?

Sir, could you switch places with her? You're a little guy.

You don't need all that legroom. Uh, let's see, and then, yeah, if you two could just scootch over one toward the window... (Sighs)

Sir, then if you could take the aisle seat? Thanks.

Man: Excuse me. I had an aisle before. I would like the aisle.

Everybody's happy. We don't need to keep switching seats.

Okay. Great.

(Engine humming)

(Sighs) We made it. H! We made it Mike.

Mm. (Clicks tongue) New York, here we come! Whoo!

Mom, can you hand me the snack bag? Snack bag?

Both: You forgot the snack bag?!

Let's not point fingers. Well, can I at least have my books?

Uh, you were in charge of bringing 'em. Where are they?

My books! I can't make it through a whole plane ride without books! We gotta turn the plane around.

Shush. I'm trying to hear the... thing.

Woman: Place the mask over your nose and mouth...

What'd she say about oxygen? Why doesn't it inflate?

Mike, nobody listens to the safety information. Well, if something happens, I would like to know what I'm supposed to do.

Jeez, you're acting like you've never flown b... have you never flown before?

Would you be cool, please?

You've never, ever been on a plane? Wow.

I can't believe I never knew that.

Your dad's never flown before. Frankie, I'm begging you, shush. Be cool?

I'm cool. I'm totally cool. Okay. Thank you.

I hear we have a couple of first-time flyers today.

Teddy Fishman's flying with his grammy in 3a...

And Michael heck in seat 7c.

Stop by the cockpit, and we'll give you boys your wings.

Oh, don't turn yet.

Okay, now.

Everything's pointing to the priest.

What do you think?

Brick!

I don't have a book!

Can I read yours?

What? No! Brick, this is my diary... my most personal and innermost thoughts and feelings.

Mom, I'm writing about how excited I am to see the statue of liberty.

(Chuckles) I just love America so much.

Mnh. We should've taken the car.

You can leave when you want. You can bring liquids when you want.

If the kid's misbehaving in the seat behind you, you can reach back and whack him.

You know, Mike, it's okay to be scared.

I'm not scared. I'm just worried that I left the back door open when I took the trash out. That's all.

Oh, don't change the subject.

You didn't leave the back door open.

(Chirps)

You know, Mike, being afraid doesn't make you less of a man.

And being silent wouldn't make you less of a woman.

(Curtain rattles)

(Whispers) Axl. Get up. It's my turn.

(Normal voice) It's been more than 20 minutes.

On land maybe. You don't know how long it's been up here.

A minute earth time is like an hour in the sky.

Maybe you'll learn that if you ever get to High School.

(Axl sniffles) Oh, I mean dog school. (Laughs) Mom! Axl won't switch with me, and it's my turn!

I don't know this person. Never seen her before in my life.

No! Get up! Get up! Get up, get up, get up right now! Axl, get up! It's your sister's turn!

No! No! Get away! Get up! Aah!

No! Hey! Let go! Move! Get up, get up, get up!

(Sighs)

Axl! Aah!

Knock it off! You are embarrassing me! Move!

Mom! She's got the... stop! You know what? Neither of you deserve first class.

Brick, come on up. Your brother is coming up. What?

You two are back in coach! (Whispers) Go on. (Sighs)

Fine.

(Sighs)

♪

Oh, Axl! This is all your fault!

It was supposed to be my turn, and now I'm punished, too! (Sighs)

Why are you so mean to me all the time?

I'm not mean to you. Now move your knobby elbow.

Oh, my God! You just did it again!

Do you have to insult me every second?

I'm not insulting you. I'm just stating facts.

Your elbow is knobby... fact. Your hair is stringy... fact.

You can't do it, can you? I'll bet you can't even go 24 hours without saying something mean to me.

Yes, I can, and if you don't think I can, you're an idiot.

Starting now.

(Sighs)

Another cookie, sir?

Oh, I shouldn't...

But I will.

(Sniffs)

Sue: Okay, Brick. Mom says it's my turn to be rich now.

But I finally have something to read.

I need to read, or I'm not gonna make it.

I'm not gonna make it if I have to spend another minute next to Axl come on.

(Chuckles)

(Sighs)

Hi. (Chuckles)

Whatcha typing?

(Sighs)

(Chuckles)

Axl, is that Sue's diary? (Seat belt clicks)

Give me that right now. (Sighs) These are Sue's personal and innermost thoughts and feelings.

It says it right on the cover!

(Sighs) God. There's nothing to do here!

Hey. What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Didn't you just tell Axl not to do that?

(Sighs) I'm her mother, Mike, and she's a 14-year-old girl.

It all starts now... boys, breasts, bulimia, all the "b" words.

It's our job to stay on top of it.

(Sighs) Ohh. Oh, man.

Oh, no.

What?

(Lowered voice) "January 7th. Went to school. Came home.

"Going to bed now. January 8th. Where are my blue socks?

Can't find them anywhere. Oh, well. Going to bed now."

This is the most boring thing I've ever read.

So that's good, right? (Pages rustle)

"February 11th. I hate lettuce.

February 18th. Mom served lettuce again. Still hate it."

(Sighs) Well, the good news is, she's not doing dr*gs.

The bad news is, she's not doing anything!

(Rattles, intercom beeps)

Man: Sorry about that, folks.

A winter storm is moving down from Canada and causing quite a bit of turbulence.

We're gonna take this baby higher, see if we can't avoid that.

That's good. We're shaking apart, so let's go higher.

So then in my 16th meet... oh, well... (Laughs)

You're not gonna understand what happened in the 16th meet, unless I go back and explain what happened in the 12th meet.

See, I was making great time, but then I started choking on my own hair. (Laughs) It was...

(Gasps) I think I see it. Mike, it's New York! (Chuckles)

Kids, look, we're here, and it's snowing.

(Chuckles) New York in the snow. How lucky are we?

This is gonna be the best trip ever! (lntercom beeps)

Sorry, folks. Looks like the entire eastern seaboard is socked in by the snowstorm. We're gonna be circling till they dig out the runway and give us clearance to land.

Shouldn't be more than a couple hours.

(Passengers groan)

Ohh. (Sighs) Okay, Mike, try not to think about it.

Just put your seat back and relax.

(Sighs)

Oh, yeah. That's better.

♪

(Groans)

I gotta get up.

(Seat belt clicks) Ohh. Mike.

(Groans) You can't.

The "fasten seat belt" sign is still on.

Frankie, you don't know what it's like to be jammed in that seat. Every seat is giant to you. Look, just close your eyes and go to sleep.

I can't sleep. What if something happens? So what if it does?

You're not flying the plane. There's nothing you can do.

Oh, no. I have to be ready. What if there's an emergency?

People look to tall people in emergencies.

We're the lighthouses of society.

(Scoffs) No. You know what this is about? Control.

You have to be in control. Oh, God. When's "Oprah" finally going off the air again?

She did one episode about control.

Actually it was about food, but it still applies to this.

She said you need to love yourself more and don't have snacks in the house.

I love myself plenty, and I don't have control issues.

(Chuckles) Really?

Dilated eyes are not a problem.

I'm perfectly fine to drive.

I... just tell me what you want to watch, and I'll change it for you.

This is nuts. I don't have to be in control.

If there's a control freak in this family, it's you.

What? Me? (Laughs)

You're gonna have to reach pretty far back to make that case.

We're all wearing orange, so nobody gets lost.

If you two could just scootch over one toward the window... (Sighs)

Sir, then if you could take the aisle seat?

You think that's being a control freak?

Do you? Do you, Mike? 'Cause it's not.

You know what that's called? Being a mom.

I packed everyone's suitcases, made the snacks, checked the tickets, made sure nobody gets lost, and what do you do?

You take a shower, and you waltz out the door. (Chuckles)

But I have to dot, because if I didn't, this family would never get anywhere!

I'm not in control because I like to be.

I'm in control because I have to be. Where are those snacks again?

Okay, you know what? I'm done. No. That's it. (Chuckles)

You wanna be in control? You're in charge of the whole family.

I'm just a passenger. Mm-hmm.

A passenger who is going to enjoy having someone cater to her needs in first class.

(Grunts)

(Sighs)

And in meet 30, I really hit my stride.

Sue, get up. Your shift's over.

But... but it seems like I just got here.

You heard your mom. Get up.

(Sighs) If you have a problem, take it up with your dad.

He's in charge now. (Sighs)

(Chuckles) I'm sorry.

I hope my family hasn't been too disturbing.

Oh.

Could you just take one picture of me with the menu? (Chuckles)

(Beep)

(Chuckles) Thanks. I won't bother you again.

(Snoring)

Frankie. Frankie.

Huh?

I lost Brick.

It sounded like you said you lost Brick. Yeah, I did.

You lost Brick? He's not in his seat, and he's not in the bathroom.

I don't know where he is. Did you look everywhere?

Yes, I looked everywhere. Did you move stuff around?

Are you gonna help me or not? All right, but he better not be on this plane, 'cause if I go back there and find him, (whispers) You are in big trouble!

(Normal voice) Brick! (Sighs)

Brick! See what happens when I give up control?

You lose our son. Well, he's not lost. He's got a luggage tag on his wrist.

They'll return him to the house eventually. (Sighs) Hey, everybody. Hi.

Sorry to bother you, but we are looking for a 9-year-old boy, so if everybody could get up and just look around you.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

Sue: Found him.

Ohh! Okay. Thanks, everybody. Never mind.

Found him. We're good.

I got this from a sleeping woman.

It's about menopause, but I don't even care.

(Whispers) Menopause. (lntercom beeps)

Man: Folks, I appreciate your patience.

If you'll take your seats, I have an announcement about our landing.

Oh, finally! New York, here we come!

Okay. I know we've been off to a rocky start.

We've all been a little cranky, but whoo-hoo!

Our vacation is about to begin. (Chuckles)

Due to this nasty weather, we're being diverted to the closest airport that's not snowed in... Pittsburgh...

(All groan)

Which, coincidentally, is our featured city in this month's "horizons."

♪

(Sighs) Great. It took us four times as long to get halfway where we needed to be.

Woman: Attention passengers of flight 216.

Unfortunately, no further flights will be leaving for Laguardia today.

We do, however, have chartered buses standing by outside to drive you to the greater New York area.

(Laughs) Ohh.

Did you hear that? How lucky are we? Come on. Let's go!

(Gasps) Ooh.

Sue, not now!

Darn!

Frankie, wait a minute. What are we doing?

What do you mean? We're going to New York.

Let's hurry, so we can get seats together.

Yeah, hold on. Hold on. We're closer to lndiana at this point.

Maybe we should just go home.

What? Why?

Because this trip so far has been a disaster, and I don't feel like driving for nine hours on a bus into a snowstorm.

Well, you have to. We're lucky. We were sitting on a couch, wishing for something exciting to happen, and it did!

We won this trip! And now you just want to throw in the towel?

You wanna just go back home, go back to that couch?

There's a whole big world out there, Mike, and you are missing it!

I circled over it for eight hours. I've seen enough. Well, I haven't.

I am trying to build memories for our family, memories for our daughter, so she has something to write about besides lettuce!

You read my diary?! Oh, we all have.

It's no menopause.

I'm with dad. This trip blows. We should just go home.

I'm drained from being nice to Sue.

Yes. Let's go home. All my books are there.

So that's it?

I win a contest, probably the biggest thing to happen to me in my life...

(Voice breaking) And now we're just gonna... gonna go home?

(Scoffs) Wow.

Even when I win, I lose.

(Exhales deeply)

You know what?

I kinda want to go to New York.

Really?

(Gasps) Oh, Axl.

You were actually nice to me!

Touch me, and the deal is off.

Ohh. Brick?

"Horizons" says they have a library there.

Mike?

Well...

Driving into a storm...

Sounds like something we would do.

Let's go to New York!

Ohh! Aah!

Okay. We can dance on the bus. Come on. Let's go! Okay!

Frankie: I guess luck will only get you to Pittsburgh.

It takes perseverance and a little insanity to get you all the way to New York, but once we got there, even Mike was glad we went.

We saw everything... the empire state building... (Wind whistling)

The public library...

The statue of liberty.

It was great. I mean, "give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses"?

We're all those things.

But when it all comes down to it, we are a very lucky family... lucky we have no money to travel.

(Chirping)