02x21 - Mother’s Day II

[bunniefuu]

(Crows caw)

Frankie: Mother's day--

It's about more than brunch, corsages, and cards.

It's about taking a moment to make that special woman in your life feel extra special.

This Sunday is mother's day, and I've got a real soft spot when it comes to moms, so, frances, you're gonna need to work so the boys here can spend the day with theirs.

But, Mr. Ehlert, I'm an actual mother.

I can't work on mother's day.

Hey, maybe you'll get a pity sale.

Just look a little more raggedy than usual and put on a sad face. Yeah, that's the one.

Okay, back to work.

Don't worry, Frankie. I'll cover for you Sunday.

Really? Oh! Thank you! Wait. Wait. But didn't you say you and your mom were doing a whole spa day thing? Yeah, that was the plan, but, uh, she's spending the day with her new boyfriend, and she hasn't exactly told him about me yet. How long have they been dating?

(Voice breaks) About a year.

I have to stop now.

I only scheduled legos from 4:55 to 5:19, which leaves me two minutes of transition time till my mom comes.

He's a little quirky.

(Whispers) Quirky. (Doorbell rings)

Hey, there's your mom. Hey, that's your mom.

I know, Arlo, I'm a minute early. Don't sweat it. He's ready to go. Aren't you, pal?

Brick had fun. Oh, would you mind if the boys did this again a week from Sunday? Arlo is wide open. Brick, too. Sounds good.

Great.

You could've asked me.

A lot of work, that kid. A lot of work.

Oh, ho! Epic fail!

You munched it bad, Darrin.

(Chuckles) Okay. Yeah, I gotta dash.

Stew in your stupid, bro. You blew it.

You will not believe what a bonehead Darrin is.

Oh, I might. (Mouth full) You don't text a chick to ask her to prom before the 15th. It's, like, an ironclad rule.

(Cap thuds) In my opinion, you don't "text a chick" to ask her anything.

You talk to her face-to-face.

Yeah, well, I'm not some dinosaur from the 1800s.

No offense. Oh, none taken. So what's so special about the 15th?

It's basic science. Two weeks out, you go after your gold-circle hotties, you know, your premium, floor-level seats.

And if you land one, sweet. But if you get sh*t down, you lower your requirements day after day as the chicks' desperation grows until they converge and bam!

You lock in your level somewhere between front row and loge.

Now if you start too early, you got no chance at the floor seats.

You're stuck up in the nosebleeds with some uggo.

(Door opens and closes)

Mike, you're not gonna believe this.

Mr. Ehlert wanted me to work on Sunday.

This Sunday.

Mother's day?

Oh, I know. (Scoffs) I was just too stunned to respond.

What a jerk.

Sue, Axl, Brick, get in here.

Oh! So that's why everybody was making those pot holders.

I probably should've done one.

How could we forget mother's day again?

I count on you guys to remember this stuff. How was I supposed to know it's even on a Sunday this year? I'm not a calendar. I feel horrible.

I just love mom so much.

She deserves the best mother's day ever.

Yeah, well, that ship has sailed. Now we got three days to slap something together that doesn't suck.

What does your mom like? She likes driving us places.

And doing our laundry and stuff. And making us soup.

No, she doesn't. Whose mom are you thinking of?

I'm talking about a present. What present would she like?

Come on. This should be easy. The woman has nothin'.

Wait. Last year, I remember her saying she wished everyone would just leave her alone for the day.

I enjoyed that menopause book I read on the airplane.

Hang on, Brick. Let's let Sue finish.

Sue, she really said that? I totally remember her screaming it to grandma.

Hmm. You really think we could pass that off as our present?

The gift of not us? I like it.

So, listen, I wanna float something by you.

Oh, no. That thing from the magazine?

It's fun to think about, but I don't think it'll work with our height difference. I disagree. But actually, I was talking about mother's day.

Now the kids and I have been talking about what to get you for weeks now, and we were wonderin' how you would feel if as your gift, we just left you alone for the day.

Yes. Oh, Mike, yes, I would love it.

I mean, not that I don't want to be with you and the kids.

Oh, we know. We wanna be with you, too. But if they're excited about the idea...

They are pretty excited. Well, if they're excited, then I guess we should do it.

She went for it. All you guys gotta do is make her a card, and we're home free. (Axl, Brick, and Sue) A card? Ohh!

So mother's day was here, and I woke up to a sound I'd never heard before-- Silence.

(Birds chirping in distance)

Mike? Axl? Brick? Sue?

I didn't know what to do first-- Read...

Sleep...

Watch "Oprah"...

Ooh, maybe I'd even go to the bathroom without someone pounding on the door.

Damn it. Don't have to go.

Since I accidentally borrowed a few "people" magazines from my last dentist visit, I decided to read.

And then I remembered something-- I'm blind.

But when I went to the junk drawer for my glasses, stupid thing was stuck.

But you know what? Not a problem.

I had a whole free day ahead of me, and I'd been wanting to fix that drawer for weeks.

An hour later, I was done.

Now I just had to put the giant screwdriver back where it belonged, and the rest of the day was mine.

Oh, there's that flashlight. (Sighs)

So I decided to go through the batteries because you gotta have a flashlight in the house with batteries.

But when I went to put it in Mike's nightstand, it was stuck, too.

And then I found something you never want to find in your husband's nightstand, something I couldn't ignore--

An unpaid gas bill.

(Sighs)

Billing! Billing! I pressed "4."

I want to talk to a human. Human!

(Sighs)

And then after defrosting the freezer and scotchgarding the winter shoes, I don't even know how I ended up here.

Crap.

(Water swishes)

(Gasps) Oh, no!

It can't be 7:45!

This can't be happening.

I blew my whole mother's day.

Mmm!

(Door opens)

We're home! Hey, there she is, reading on the couch.

So did you have a great mother's day? (Mouth full) So great. How was your day?

I'll let the kids tell you. Guys? Oh! It was so good!

Oh. It was amazing! So awesome, mom. We had so much fun!

Okay, slow down. One at a time.

We wound up going to Brown County. You went to Brown County? I love Brown County!

I didn't know you were planning on going there.

No, we weren't. You know, we were just kinda driving around, and we realized we were halfway there, so we figured, what the hell? There was this fair with all these rides and a huge ferris wheel. It was awesome!

I was a little scared at first, but then Axl tickled me, and I forgot all about it! She had the funniest laugh, so then we all started laughing, and then the whole-- The whole ferris wheel's laughing. And then we had a picnic lunch.

Of course you did. Mom, you should've been there. We had rhubarb, lemonade and pretzel-crusted fried chicken. (Gasps) And these tiny cakes baked in a jell-o mold.

And we met this amazing family named the Clarys... The Clarys.

And they had these kids that were exactly our age, and we ended up playing volleyball with them. Net face.

Brick: Net face! Net face! What's net face?

Whenever we needed a point, dad would stick his face in the net and go, "net face. Net face."

And the Clarys would cr*ck up, and they couldn't make the point. You're so funny, dad.

Stop.

You stop. Why don't you both stop?

Oh, hey, almost forgot-- We got somethin' for you.

Oh!

You got me one of those old-timey photos that I've always wanted to take as a family, but nobody's ever had the patience to do it. Yep. Now you'll always remember this mother's day.

I sure will.

You know, it's funny, I've never been a good gift giver, but I gotta tell ya, I really think we nailed this one.

Yep. Play your cards right, I might even leave you alone on Christmas. (Crying)

Hey. Whoa. What's going on?

What's this? Wh-what's happening?

I had a horrible mother's day!

What are you talking about? You said you had a great day.

I lied. I couldn't find my glasses, and I shoved the spatula in the stuck drawer, and the freezer was all crusty, and I just frittered away the whole day.

The whole day!

And you guys had the best day ever in Brown County!

Oh, no, no. It wasn't that great.

It was-- It was hot, and it was crowded 'cause there were so many moms there. (Sobs)

No, that's not what I meant. Uh, we didn't have fun because we all missed you. Oh, please! Look at this picture.

You have never been happier.

It's as if you had the mother's day you would've had if I were dead! No, Frankie, stop it.

You know what? We can have another mother's day, okay? Yeah, next year.

No. No, next weekend. We can all go back to Brown County and we can do it all again with you. How's that sound?

Think you might stop crying if we did that?

I think I might.

Mom screwed up her mother's day, so next Sunday we're doing it again. (Axl, Brick, and Sue groan)

Come on, guys. Second mother's day can't start without us.

Let's hit the road. Axl, quit messing with the phone and get in the car. Shh. It's the 15th.

I'm texting my number one prom draft pick-- Maddie Heldman.

Here it goes. "You, me, prom. Answer in 30 minutes, or I move on." I'm glad we're doing a redo. Last week I forgot my money, so I couldn't buy anything at the gift shop.

But this week I've got $17 in my change purse, and I plan on spending $13 of it.

Oh, fun! See, this is the way mother's day should be.

I mean, how often do we get to do things with just our family?

Hi. Arlo's here for his playdate.

Oh, yeah. No, we're kinda doing a family thing today.

Oh, no. He's already put it in his datebook.

If you change it, he could really flip out.

(Metal clanks)

Aw. What happened to the fair?

Sorry, folks. It's all coming down.

It was just special last week for mother's day.

Hey, who needs rides anyway?

Spending time with my family is all that matters.

I have to go to the bathroom.

(Sighs) Brick, you wanna take Arlo...

(Arlo) Mrs. Heck, are you still here?

Yes, Arlo, I'm still here. I've been here for 15 minutes.

Can you put your foot under the door so I believe you?

This isn't happening!

I'm supposed to get a text back from Maddie about prom, and I got no bars. I've been all over this place, from the candle shop, all the way to the other candle shop. No bars. (Exhales deeply)

Okay, let's get this party started, huh?

Arlo, you can let go now.

So... what should we do first?

Well, last week we had a picnic lunch, and they give you these big blankets to spread out in the park. Oh, that sounds perfect.

And I heard all about that pretzel-crusted fried chicken.

And the cake baked in jell-o.

I would eat your shoe if it was baked in jell-o. You got it. Axl, put your phone away.

Sue, decide already.

It's your mom's special day. We're having a picnic. Whoo!

I'd like to purchase this Indiana cow creamer, please.

Wait a minute.

Pine cone earrings with a matching necklace!

(Gasps) Aah!

I'm sorry. We aren't serving food today.

That was just special last week for mother's day.

(Coin clinks) Okay, we got a choice between...

Ham and cheese, turkey and cheese, and cheese and cheese.

Frankie, it's your special day, so you get first dibs.

Mrs. Heck, I have allergies.

Of course you do.

I'm allergic to wheat, gluten, dairy, and cats.

Well, thank you, Arlo, but I don't think you're gonna be eating any cat sandwiches.

Or maybe you will.

Okay, I just got the best gift from the gift shop.

It's a plaque that says-- Are you ready?

Nurses call the sh*ts.

Get it? sh*ts?

'Cause nurses give people sh*ts.

Maybe it's only funny if you're a nurse, which I am not.

I'll be right back.

(Tools whirring)

This is fun.

Yeah, this is fun.

Okay, Arlo, buddy, you're sitting a little close there.

How about giving me a few inches here, huh?

So... what else did you guys do last week?

Uh, well, we, um, played volleyball.

Well, bring it on! Net face. Net face.

(Tools whirring, hammering)

Axl, get over here. We're gonna play volleyball.

Oh, my God! I still can't get service 'cause I'm stuck in this backwoods, hillbilly tourist trap.

Not a tourist trap. It's a cultural center.

How cool is this hat? I mean, I love drinking beverages, but it's such a hassle holding the cups, and now I don't have to.

I'll go back and get something else.

No. No one's going anywhere until we play volleyball.

Mrs. Heck?

(Sighs)

Okay, we're back. Who wants to be on my team?

Arlo, you're on Brick's side.

Ugh!

All this stupid redo stuff?

You know, my last birthday kinda sucked. Do I get a redo?

How about Sue? She's had a crappy 14 years.

Does she get a redo? Hey!

But the Clary family isn't even here. They're what made it fun.

We don't need the Clarys to have fun. We got Hecks.

Okay, you ready? I got a k*ller serve.

(Sighs)

Who's up for an old-timey photo?

Are you sure you can't find a cute cancan girl costume?

I've always wanted to be a cancan girl, you know, with the feather and maybe a bottle of hooch?

They're already put away. Look, I'm doing you a favor.

I'm supposed to be closed already.

Sue, Axl, Brick, let's go!

Are you sure this time? Positive. Can you imagine how cool I'll be at school with this giant pencil?

Everyone will be like, "there's the girl with the giant pencil."

I love it. How you gonna sharpen it?

(Sighs)

Come on, Sue! The photographer has to leave!

Arlo, stop yanking my chain. Where's Brick?

I don't know. He was here a second ago.

(Sighs)

Brick! I'll look.

Wait. A signal.

I got it. (Chuckles)

I lost it. (Groans)

Lady, I really gotta go.

How about I just take one of you and your son?

He's not my s-- Oh, screw it. Just take the picture.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Brick, you're supposed to be inside.

I needed a break from Arlo.

You know, it was an interesting experiment, but I don't need a friend.

I did it. I finally got the perfect souvenir.

What does an octopus have to do with Brown County?

Duh. His hat says "I heart Brown County."

Plus, I just love the ocean so much.

Hey, there she is.

I found everybody, and we're ready to take that picture.

It's over Mike. We already took it, and it's something mother and son's friend will treasure forever. No, if you want the kids to take a picture, they're gonna take a picture, even if I have to cr*ck some heads to get it. You know what? Forget it. Let's just give up and go home.

Yes! No way.

Why not? It's what she wants. Excuse me. Ferris wheel's still up.

How about you let us take quick ride? What? Sorry. No can do.

(Sighs) Listen, this is for my wife.

She screwed up her mother's day, this is a redo, and nothing's going right.

But you got a ferris wheel, and she loves ferris wheels.

This could turn the whole thing around for me.

I'll give you 10 bucks. Happy mother's day, ma'am. You got five minutes.

Whoo-hoo! Yay! Yay! We're riding on the ferris wheel!

Axl: Let's do this so I can go home.

Mrs. Heck?

Okay, we're back.

Brick, are you sure you don't wanna ride with Arlo?

Sorry. Love to, but I'm already in!

Frankie: Whoo-hoo!

Wow! Isn't this great?

Isn't this fun, kids?

Axl: It is now!

I'm getting a signal! I've got bars!

Wow. You can see for miles.

Oh, I bet it wasn't this pretty last week.

Isn't this wonderful? (Sue gasps) Octie!

(ferris wheel creaks)

Can you please be careful with Octie?

I think I might want to return him for a chicken head oven mitt.

The text. I finally got the text. Ha ha!

Yes! She said yes! I'm going to the prom with Ashley.

(Laughs) Wait. Who's Ashley?

Oh!

God, I texted the wrong number.

Thanks for the crappy phone with the small buttons, mom and dad!

(Groans)

(Sighs)

Well, this sucks.

I thought it would be hard to top last week's mother's day, but I think we've done it.

Well, I'm sorry mother's day was so miserable for you.

Mike, I'm not blaming you.

Really? 'Cause it sounds like you are.

No, no. It's not your fault.

Maybe sneaking off to Brown County last week wasn't the greatest idea, but-- I didn't sneak off.

Well, you didn't tell me. You said you wanted to be left alone.

I didn't think you cared where we were going. Oh, come on.

You know I have always wanted to come to Brown County.

Have you ever wanted to come to Brown County?

Not that I can remember. Well, you're here now and clearly having the time of your life. Well, we got kids in the gift shop, Axl on his cell phone, and...

So I bring you to Brown County. You're not happy.

I gave you the day to yourself. You're not happy.

You know, I worked really hard to give you the mother's day you wanted. Oh, pfft!

What's a "pfft"? You didn't work that hard.

You don't think I heard you three days before mother's day?

"Sue, Brick, Axl, get in here." And then you left me alone for mother's day. How hard was that?

That's what you wanted! It's not what I wanted.

That's what you said you wanted! I didn't know what I wanted! I thought it'd be fun!

It wasn't fun! I can't believe this. When I got the kids home last weekend, I thought you'd thank me. For what? For sucking down jell-o cakes with the Clarys while I had my arm shoved in the toilet?!

You know, next father's day, how about I take the kids out and leave you home alone all day? Huh? How about that?

Great. Oh, yeah, you know what? You would just love that.

It's just so easy being a man. Not right now it isn't.

I don't know what more I could've done for you, Frankie.

I gave you two mother's days. Crappy ones.

Okay, you know what, Frankie? And then Mike said something you shouldn't say to any woman on any day, especially her second mother's day.

You know what? That's it. I'm outta here. (Seat belt clicks)

Where you gonna go? We're stuck. No, you're stuck.

(Sighs)

Little farther down than you thought, huh, Frankie?

Come on. Let's get you to the couch.

Do you think Arlo ever heard that word before?

'Cause he acted like he never heard that word.

You should've said it earlier, dad.

Sure made him quiet in the car. Yeah, but the point is, I should never have said that to your mom, no matter how many mother's days she made me give her.

Okay. Here we go. Magazines.

Remote.

Peach pie from Neptune's grill.

Happy mother's day.

(Kisses)

I'm sorry, Mike.

I know I was acting crazy.

It's just that sometimes as a mom, you know, you--

When you're with your kids, you wanna be alone, and then when you're alone, you wanna be with them.

It's like, no matter where you are, you feel guilty that you're not in the other place, you know? No.

No? I don't feel guilt that way... ever.

Sorry.

Jeez. Fathers shouldn't even get a day.

No guilt. That must be nice. It really is.

Okay, kids, let's vamoose and let your mom relax in peace. Okay. Good night, mom. Love you.

Good night, mom. Love you. Wait, wait, wait. Where you going?

It's still mother's day. I wanna be with you guys.

Okay.

Ooh.

(Exhales deeply)

Yonk!

You know what? Not this close. I just want to see you guys.

Maybe you could go over there and just get along or something?

Brick: Sure, okay.

Uh-huh.

Mike: Um, us three against Axl.

(Brick speaks indistinctly)

Perfect.

Now this is the mother's day I wanted.