04x22 - Hallelujah Hoedown

[bunniefuu]

(Crows caw)

(Exhaling) He-he-he-hoo. He-he-he-hoo.

He-he-he-hoo.

Sue, you're gonna pass out again.

What is she doing?

I found mom's old Lamaze tapes.

I realized I have been psyching myself out for these driving tests.

And if I can control my breathing, I can control my driving.

(Exhales) He-he-he-hoo.

And breathe the baby out.

Okay. All right.

I am gonna go listen to "Fearless" by Taylor Swift one more time, and then, dad, you and I are gonna go to the B.M.V.

Whoo-hoo! Go, Sue.

So it's May.

Yep, and she's been trying to pass that test since March.

Yeah, yeah. But there's, um, something else going on in May.

Let me think. Any particular holidays?

Oh, right. I knew there was something...

Mother's Day.

I got it, Frankie.

Don't worry. I'm on it.

Mike, you are so not on it.

I could be on it. You don't know.

Actually, I do know.

'Cause you always wait till the night before, and then you just run out to the drugstore.

I'm tired of getting crappy stuff from you guys, okay?

I'm tired of making the face and pretending to be excited.

"Hey!" (Sighs)

Can I please for once just tell you what I want?

It's too late, Frankie.

Maybe I already got you the perfect present and hid it somewhere in the house.

Hey... I don't believe you.

Okay. Let's go.

Mom, wish me luck.

Third time's the charm. Ha.

(Mug clatters)

Frankie: Turns out third time was not the charm.

(Thudding)

(Gasps) Oh.

Neither was the fourth...

Train. Train. Train.

(Crossing bells clanging)

Train!

(Brakes squeal) Oh!

Nor the fifth.

How am I doing?

You're actually doing great.

Perfect, in fact.

Really?

(Thuds, brakes squeak)

(Shifts gears)

I'll let myself out.

As bumpy as Sue's road was, Axl's was smooth as could be.

Boss Co.'s new ask a girl to prom service was booming.

♪ Prom is coming ♪
♪ it's gonna be fun ♪
♪ and Ben thinks that you're the one ♪

Yes! Yes! Oh, God, I can't believe it!

Aah!

Hey!

This is so much better than the break-up service.

I know! I agree.

$147. Bam. That's it.

That's enough to rent the Orson limo for prom.

I rode in that when my grandma d*ed.

It was awesome.

I rode the whole way to the cemetery out the sunroof.

Dude, I can't believe you're not coming to prom.

It's gonna be epic.

I know. I don't know what to tell you, man.

Cassidy's just not a prom kind of girl.

And she's made it very clear she doesn't want to go.

It's called the Hallelujah Hoedown, subtitled "Jesus takes the reins."

Reverend TimTom is running it.

It's a fund-raiser for troubled teen tattoo removal.

That sounds amazing.

I was thinking my mom could take us there, and your mom could pick us up.

Or I could drive us both ways. (Giggles)

I got my license today.

I passed on my first try.

Aha!

First time? Really?

First.

You didn't have a problem with the curb?

Because the curb's tricky. (Chuckles)

Huh.

Hey. (Book thuds)

So listen. Mother's Day's coming up.

What's the deal? What's going on?

What do you know?

Hmm.

I don't know anything, but I'm pretty low on the information food chain.

Maybe dad already got you something.

Yeah. I heard that story.

Not buying it.

Look, I know you're the smart one.

That's why I'm coming to you.

You're the only one I'm talking to about this.

Here's the deal... for once, I just want what I want.

I don't need breakfast in bed, I don't need eggs spilled all over my comforter, I don't want a book of hug coupons, and I don't want a card written on the back of an old receipt.

I want the Backmaster 2000.

It's at Brickstone. It's $40.

And I want the one with the heat and the infra-red rolling balls.

What do you say?

(Whispers) Rolling balls.

Good boy.

Do you want a ride home, Sue?

I can drive. We can stop for fro-yo.

Or I could drive you.

I got my license last week.

I've had my buggy license since I was 11.

No, that's okay.

I'll just take the bus home with Brad.

I don't wanna make him feel bad.

(Car horn honks)

(Singsongy) Guess who just passed his driver's test!

(Laughs)

Brad...

Oh, my.

Brad, this is sick.

Brad: I had to take the picture five times, 'cause I was smiling so much, and you couldn't see enough of my face.

(Laughter)

With all her friends getting their driver's licenses, it was a pain even fro-yo couldn't cure.

(Mouth full) Hey, mom. Can I talk to you for a sec?

Oh, good, Sue. I wanted to talk to you, too.

Listen, Mother's Day is this weekend, and I know your dad hasn't planned jack squat.

That's why I'm coming to you.

You're the girl. You're the only one who gets it.

Now I want the Backmaster 2000 from Brickstone.

And I want it in yellow.

It's $40, and it comes with heat and infra-red rolling balls.

You got it? Good.

X times 2...

Excuse me, Miss Poltorak?

Sorry to interrupt, but prom is coming up, and it's come to my attention that someone very special in this room has not been asked yet.

Oh, I love this time of year.

(Chuckles)

Cassidy, will you please stand up?

Maya, will you go to prom with Kevin?

Yes! Oh, my God, yes!

Huh?

(Laughs) Totally!

(Pops) Aah!

(Laughs)

Whoo.

Are you freakin' kidding me?

What?

I can't believe this.

You do realize you've now asked every girl in this school to prom but me.

Wait.

I just didn't think you wanted to go.

You know, "dances are stupid"?

"School spirit's lame"?

They are, and it is, but, you know, it's still my prom.

I mean, what is it, Axl? What's it gonna take?

Do I need to fill out a form?

Do I need to pay you? Is that it?

Here. Here's 5 bucks.

Actually, it's $10 this close to prom.

Oh, uh, okay.

(Clears throat)

Uh, Cassidy?

Will you go to prom with me?

I don't know. I might be busy.

I'm not sure I'm free.

When is it again?

Uh, yeah. I think I will.

Yeah? Ha ha.

Whoo!

Oh, yay! (Laughs)

Hey, Reverend TimTom.

Well, howdy there, Sue Heck.

How's it going?

Not so good, actually.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Pull up a hay bale.

(Sighs)

Well, lately, I've been having these weird feelings inside, and I don't get it.

See, all my friends have been getting their driver's licenses, but I keep failing.

And when Brad told me he got his license, instead of feeling happy for him, I just wanted to punch that smile right off his face.

So what do you think that means?

Hmm.

Sounds like somebody's dancin' her first dance with that old friend the green-eyed monster.

What do you mean?

You're jealous, Sue. It's a pretty common problem.

Throughout history, many have felt its sting...

Cain and Abel, Ishmael and lsaac, the Jonas brothers and 1D.

You're right. What is wrong with me?

I'm a monster.

(Chuckles) Well, the thing is, Sue Heck...

Oh. I don't have my guitar.

Huh. Well, I'll just tell ya.

Uh, feeling good for your friends can be tough sometimes, especially when things aren't falling into place for you.

But the thing to remember is, doesn't cost you anything to feel good for somebody else.

Oh, wow. That is so good.

Hold on. I'm gonna write this down.

And remember, you're not alone.

I know. I have my friends.

No, I'm talking about the big B.F.F.

He was always right there with you, and it's okay to let him take the wheel sometimes.

Darn it. "Ridin' shotgun with the savior."

It's the perfect song for this moment.

Crackers and toast, where is that guitar?

Would you hang out for just a sec till I find it?

I don't have a license.

Where am I gonna go?

Oh, I can't believe it's your senior prom.

You look so handsome.

(Laughs)

(Chuckles) Yeah.

Not so fast.

I want the Backmaster 2000 for Mother's Day.

I'm coming to you exclusively because you're the one everybody looks up to.

You're the one who can get it done.

40 bucks at Brickstone.

Yellow. Infra-red rolling balls. Got it?

Okay, then. Have fun.

All right, come on.

The rest of the school is waiting to bask in our hotness.

Let's go!

Thanks for the pre-prom, Mrs. Heck.

Wasn't it an awesome pre-prom, Deb?

Really awesome.

And happy Mother's Day.

You should get a makeover or something.

You look tired.

Doesn't she look tired, Court?

Super tired.

Okay. Have fun, girls.

It's all downhill from prom night. (Laughs)

Where's the calendar?

I don't know.

Is it Mother's Day already?

I thought we had another week.

Here. It's...

2009. Crap.

Why don't we ever throw anything away?

(Lowered voice) Damn it. I already bragged to her that I got her something great, and now I'm just gonna end up running to the drugstore at the last minute to get her some crappy gift like I always do.

Okay. Well, after that, can we swing by Brickstone and get her the thing she really wants?

You know what she really wants?

Yep.

Nope.

Nope.

Uh...

Nope.

Damn it, Brick, you said you knew what she wanted.

Well, yes, at one point I did.

But a lot of information's come into my head since then.

If this helps you, I think it was something...

"2000."

Everything in here is something "2000."

Come on, Brick, focus.

Keyboard?

Uh, radio flashlight? Radio thermometer?

Radio leg shaver? Radio beer cooler?

Wait a minute. How much is that?

Remember that for father's day.

Hmm. Now I'm questioning Brickstone.

(Easy listening jazz playing)

Oh, my God, it's beautiful.

Have you seriously never been to a dance before?

Well, I protested at one freshman year for gender equality.

Ooh! Is that a photo booth?

I'm gonna go get Courtney a water.

Why are you getting Courtney a water?

Because she's my date.

No. She's my date.

No, you brought Debbie.

Nuh-unh. I brought Courtney. You brought Debbie.

Not so easy, is it?

*

(Chairs rumbling) Hey, Sue, did your mom tell you what she wants for Mother's Day?

Oh, my God. It's Mother's Day this weekend?

And I didn't even remember.

I have been totally going through this selfish phase.

What is the matter with me?

Sue...

(Gasps) There I go again.

Sue. Doesn't matter right now. Just...

Did she tell you what she wants?

Yes.

Something yellow.

I think.

Hey. Brick.

Mm?

Get your face out of that thing.

Who knows who's been sticking what in that?

*

Go on.

I really can't remember.

What kind of a person doesn't remember what her own mother asked for for Mother's Day?

Wow. Reverend TimTom was right.

I am being...

Yellow. Got it.

Mm. (Snaps shut)

(Sighs)

*

(Cell phone ringing)

(Beep)

Hello?

Hey.

What's your mom want for Mother's Day?

How should I know?

Why are you calling me at my prom, anyway?

You're really crossing the line.

We're gonna have a serious talk about this when I get home in two days.

(Clicks, dial tone)

All right.

(Whirring)

I think mom would really like this.

Look, if we're getting her something she doesn't want, we're going with the beer cooler.

Wait.

I think this might be it.

The Backmaster 2000.

Lumbar support? Are you kidding?

We can't get her something medical.

It'll be the inflatable foot bath all over again.

Besides, your sister said it was somethin' yellow.

Uh, look, this comes in yellow.

Forget it.

We're not getting her some back thing for Mother's Day.

I'm not going through that again.

(Exhales) You know what?

I'm not going through any of it.

This should be your headache.

It's not my holiday. She's not my mother.

My mother's dead.

You kids can figure this out by yourselves.

(Grunts) I'm done.

I can't believe I'm leaving in three weeks.

Ugh. I wanna spend every minute of these next three weeks with you.

No family, no friends. Just us, in a box, staring at each other.

(Chuckles) I thought you were the smart one.

Summer's three months, not three weeks.

No, I know, but I told you...

I got accepted to that summer program at Vassar.

Yeah, but I didn't think that was during the summer.

Well, when did you think it was?

I don't know. I thought it was... a course where you study summer.

I mean, I remember, 'cause I thought, "man, Vassar sounds pretty easy."

(Sighs)

What about this?

I don't know. You're on your own.

Buy it, don't buy it. I don't care.

I told you I'm out.

Come on, dad.

We both know you're not out.

I'm just a kid.

Am I really gonna take the fall for a bad present?

I don't think so.

I can pick it, but if I pick something lame, this thing's gonna be on you.

Damn it.

(Grumbles)

(Cash register beeping)

Hey. How about these?

Pants?

Yeah. She likes pants.

She's always wearing 'em.

That's true.

And look, they come in yellow.

Hey, I don't think she has any yellow pants.

You ever seen her in yellow pants?

I haven't.

And check it out. They're on sale.

No way. Why would these awesome yellow pants be on sale?

This is good. She's always saying she wants something personal.

How much more personal can you get than pants?

Yeah.

She'll never see it coming.

Nailed it.

Excuse me, ma'am?

I'm trying to buy pants for my wife.

You're close to her size.

If you were a little less wide, what size would you be?

Hmm.

I can't believe this.

I had really big plans for us this summer.

You did?

Yeah. Like, well, we were gonna... go to the mall, drive around, and... go tubing.

And you're just gonna throw all that away to study art with some old dude.

Axl, come on.

You know how much I wanna be with you this summer.

But I can't blow a chance like this just to go tubing.

(Scoffs) "Just" to go tubing?

Uh, do you even understand tubing, hmm?

You go down a river... in tubes. It is awesome.

We have a separate tube just for a cooler, you know?

At some point, we all link arms, make a big wall of tubes.

Look.

This is a huge opportunity for me.

But this... this is a huge tube-a-tunity.

Sorry. I don't know what to say.

It totally sucks, but come on. I mean, you know, it's not like we're gonna be together anyway.

*

Whoa. What does... what does that mean?

I don't know. I mean, we're gonna be in separate states... a thousand miles away from each other.

We were gonna be having this conversation in three months anyway, right?

We're just having it now instead.

I mean, what did you think was gonna happen?

I think you know me well enough to know that I don't think.

But we still have the next three weeks.

Can't we just focus on that and have fun?

(Song ends, microphone feedback whines)

(Sean, amplified voice) Hey, everybody, I'm Sean donahue, president of the class of 2013...

Well, why wait three weeks not to be together?

If we're not gonna be together, let's not be together now.

(Drumroll)

And the prom king is... (Inhales deeply)

Yes! My boy Axl Heck.

(Cymbal crashes)

(Cheering)

(Whistles)

All right. And the prom queen is... (Drumroll)

I think we all saw this one coming...

(Hey ocean!) * I'm looking out the window *

♪ of this big, big ship ♪
♪ and it's really coming down outside ♪

And now the king and queen will dance with their dates.

♪ And something in her eyes ♪
♪ is like the morning mist ♪
♪ as it lifts to show the world's still alive ♪
♪

♪ somebody once told me ♪
♪

♪ you're gonna know right away ♪
♪

(Whispers) It's destiny.

♪ Once you find that secret somebody ♪
♪ to hold for the rest of your days ♪
♪ You think it might be fierce ♪
♪ to get your lip or eyebrow pierced ♪
♪ but that process isn't very clean ♪
♪ it can get infected, mm-hmm ♪
♪ a temporary tattoo is a fun way to rebel ♪
♪ and good old-fashioned brooding ♪
♪ gets the job done just as well ♪
♪ so think before you ink ♪
♪

Don't deface your body just to get back at your parents.

That ain't cool.

(Strums chord)

So, let's rap.

Parents and teens don't always see eye to eye, now do they?

No way.

I'm usually so close with my mom, but ever since I got my driver's license, she's like, "drive here. Drive there.

Pick up your dance belt at the store."

I know. It's like a license gives you all this freedom, but in some ways, you're kind of a prisoner.

And now they got me driving grammy bottig around on the weekends.

(Sighs heavily)

I am sorry, but I have better things to do than watching her pay for a cinnamon bun with a giant jar of pennies.

Oh! Wah, wah, wah!

Poor you guys!

You know, is there nothing else in life you can talk about?

There are other things going on in the world, you know.

Troubled teens are getting tattoos in their... underwear area!

I thought I was coming to a hoedown, but if this is just gonna be a driver's-license down, then I guess I will just go somewhere else!

(Hooves clopping)

(Horse whinnies)

Whoa, Samson.

(Blusters)

Reverend TimTom.

What you doing, Sue Heck?

I let you down, Reverend TimTom.

I tried to be happy for them, but I'm still jealous.

Maybe I'm just not meant to drive.

My drive to drive drove my friends away, so I am done being that driven to drive.

I have decided I am not gonna get my license.

Let me ask you something.

When you take a test at school, and you don't have all the answers, do you just get up and walk away?

No. I would never. I always answer what I can.

I can still get partial credit.

Exactly.

The Sue Heck I know doesn't quit after just five tries.

Now hop on.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Hyah!

(Blusters)

(Horse nickers)

(Telephone ringing in distance)

What is this?

What's going on? What are you guys all doing here?

Reverend TimTom told us you were feeling jealous of us, and that's just crazy talk.

Sue, we're jealous of you.

You are?

Yeah.

You're smart. You're funny.

You haven't spent any time in juvie.

Nobody in your family has meth teeth.

Not to mention you have the neck of a queen.

Plus you always try your hardest, you're always optimistic, and you never give up.

It's true, Sue.

Mom?

What are you doing here?

Brad called me and told me it was an emergency... which it clearly is not, so thanks for scaring the crap out of me, Brad.

But the point is, we believe in you, Sue.

We know you can do this.

I know you can do this.

You're right.

I never give up.

I can do this.

(Keys jangle)

Oh. I am gonna do this right now.

(Cheering)

Sixth time's the charm.

Wait.

This is your sixth time?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You can only take the test five times, then you have to wait a month to take it again.

(All groan)

I just have to stay pumped for four more weeks!

Yeah!

(Cheering)

Aah! (Laughs) Yeah!

There are all kinds of tests in life.

Hi, Axl. Now that we're going out again, what do you wanna do tonight?

We can sit outside and listen to the flutter of the bat wings or, you know, bowling.

(Thudding)

Some you fail over and over, even if you've been given the answer key.

Yellow pants?

Are you kidding me?

I told you what I wanted.

I told you exactly what I wanted.

I told all of you!

Backmaster 2000!

Well, hey, you haven't even tried 'em on yet.

Hey!

Oh, yeah. This is so much better.

Who buys someone yellow pants?

Did I say pants? Did I say yellow pants?

Did anybody hear me say "yellow pants"?

I mean, come on. How much clearer could a person be?

You know what? Next year, just write me a check.

Hey. They're the ones in charge.

I just...

Oh, save it, buddy.

You just wait until Father's Day. You'll see.

Seriously, what am I supposed to do with these?

Oh, wow. That's not bad.

(Chair wheels roll)

(Typing)