05x13 - Hungry Games

[bunniefuu]

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie: There are few words that bring more joy to value-seeking Midwesterners than "All U Can Eat."

Don't eat that!

We're going to King Henry's Buffet.

Oh, are you crazy?

Do you not understand? We got a squatters coupon!

We get to pick a table and stay there all day.

We're having lunch, supper, dinner, second dinner, and dessert.

Mike: Okay. I got my game plan.

I'm going cold to hot, concentrating on meats.

You want to b*at the house, you got to load up on the meats.

Frankie: Now, remember, when we get to King Henry's, everyone has to have one green on their plate.

[ Chuckling ] I'm kidding!

How weird would that be if I was serious?

I'm going all soups. I love their soups.

Thousand lsland, ranch, blue cheese--

Brick, those are salad dressings.

No, I don't think so.

They have ladles and bowls right next to them.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Axl: I'm home!

Okay. I'm here. I'm starving. Let's go.

Right after church.

Oh, whoa! Church?

We have to go to church first.

We should at least thank God for our squatters coupon.

Oh, come on! I don't want to sit in church.

I can't take Reverend Hayver on an empty stomach.

No, no, no, we have a guest minister--

Reverend Eric Deveaux from Cleveland.

Very charismatic.

He and Reverend Hayver are on a minister-exchange program.

Even dad likes him. He's very entertaining.

I'm gonna tell you something right now.

You can't outrun the Lord!

Where you gonna run to, son?

♪ Our voices will ring foreve-e-e-r ♪
♪ as o-o-o-o-o-o-o-one ♪

Blows Reverend Hayver out of the water.

Ooh. Baby sister's looking at colleges.

Let's see.

Purdue-- Pur-don't.

IU-- I don't see you getting in there.

[ Chuckles ]

Wait. No.

No, no, no! Don't even think about it!

East lndiana State is my school!

Mom, dad, make her stop! Seriously!

You know, I-I can go wherever I want, Axl.

You can't stop me from thinking about it.

[ Garbage disposal grinding ] I'm thinking about it right now!

What? [ Grinding stops ]

In fact, I'm gonna be thinking about it all day!

No. Make her stop thinking about it. Make her--

♪ Oh, East lndiana, we will fight for you ♪ - No! That's not--

♪ East lndiana, we will always be true ♪ - Don't sing our fight song!

Do you see this? Do you see what's happening here?

No. Come on. - ♪ We shall defeat them with our tongues! ♪

No!

[ Growls, laughs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Mutters ]

Axl, your sister can go wherever she wants.

Sue, stop tormenting your brother.

Now, come on-- we got to go worship the Lord and then gorge ourselves.

Reverend Deveaux: Who didn't want to come here this morning?

Show of hands. Come on. Be honest.

You're tired, it's early.

You stayed up too late watching back-to-back episodes of Burn Notice.

Put your hands down!

Okay, I see. You're being accountable there.

That's what I want to talk to y'all about this morning-- accountability.

There's no way you're getting into East lndiana State.

I can do whatever I want, Axl.

In fact, I am gonna pray to God that I get into East lndiana State.

What? Don't you dare do that.

Dear God--

Stop doing that.

You can't control me!

Fine-- I'm gonna double-pray that you don't go to East lndiana.

Don't you dare!

God, please--

[ Snapping fingers ]

Reverend Deveaux: When you see a stranger on the street and...

God, please don't let her go to East lndiana State.

Stop it, Axl!

Ow!

[ Sighs ]

Mike.

Oh, you have freakishly strong fingers.

Hey! Knock it off.

I'm serious.

God, please don't--

Ow! Don't you--

Axl, Sue! Stop it! Stop it right now!

[ Gasps ]

I c--

[ Congregation murmuring ]

At any rate, the Lord loves you.

He loves your friends that didn't make it, either.

Hi.

You're the Hecks, right?

Could I see you for a moment?

[ Sighs ]

Let me just say we are so sorry about earlier.

This will never happen again.

I-I never talked to my family about not throwing sacred books in church, but, in my defense, I didn't think I had to.

Folks, I don't want to take up too much of your time, but it seems like you're under a great deal of stress.

No. We're fine. Just a regular amount of stress.

Axl: [ Chuckling ] Yeah.

Look. We kind of have... somewhere we have to be.

But we're fine. We are.

That was just an isolated incident.

Well, you know, it's not just this one day.

Uh, Reverend Hayver said, you know, that there's been some issues, a-a little history.

Am-- am I right?

History? What history?

The van.

We gave it right back.

Now, I assure you-- nobody's on trial here.

I just like to reach out to families in crisis and, you know, offer some counsel.

As the former assistant spiritual advisor for the Cleveland Browns for I and 3/4 of a season, consider me here to lift you up.

But to do that, I got to able to get underneath.

You know what I'm saying?

And the deeper I dig, the higher we can go.

Oh, we're plenty high. We are up there in the clouds.

[ Chuckles ]

I mean, we fight, sure, but we have fun, right?

We do all kinds of fun stuff together.

We, um... eat... and...

Come on, people.

Tell him all the other fun family stuff we do.

[ Gasps ] Oh! We play Twizzlestick.

It's a really fun game I invented.

It's where you're in a room and you have one body part showing and if nobody notices you when they come in, you get a point.

[ Sports announcer talking indistinctly ]

Twizzlestick!

Twizzlestick!

Twizzlestick!

So, you all really get into this, uh, Twizzlestick, huh?

Oh... sure.

So much fun.

Not really.

Love playing Dorklestick. [ Laughter ]

You know what? This has been great-- really helpful.

But we're good. We are.

It's my fault. I threw the book.

But we're-- we're really good.

Aren't we all good?

So good.

We love each other so much!

You sure?

'Cause, you know, when that teakettle's whistling, it's time to take it off the stove.

Yeah, but our teakettle is fine.

In fact, we're all heading out to eat together as a family right now.

Okay. Well, fair enough.

But if there's ever anything you'd like to talk about, my door is always open.

Nope. This was great. Thank you.

All right, then.

You guys have yourselves a blessed Sunday.

That's exactly what we're gonna do.

Sometimes I feel invisible.

[ Sighs ]

So, Brick, what do you mean, you feel invisible?

No. He's not invisible. Just ignore him.

Ignore him?

No! Not "Ignore."

It's just, he says things sometimes, but don't pay attention.

You don't pay attention to him?

No, we do, but it's just, he's insignificant in this conversation.

He's not invisible.

Sorry, Brick.

[ Sighs ]

Axl: [ Sighs ] Great job, Brick.

If we end up at a table by the bathroom, I will pound you.

Brick, can you, um, expand a little more on what you were saying?

Oh, it's just a generalized feeling of invisibility.

But I know my family really wants to get to King Henry's, and I don't want them to be mad at me.

I can already sense the hostility.

What-- That's ridiculous!

What are you talking about?

Come on, Brick.

You know, maybe I should take a little time-out with Brick alone.

[ Sighs ] Crap.

I am starving!

I know, Axl. We all are.

No, you don't understand. I haven't eaten in four days.

I went full bear mode.

I literally have had nothing but a handful of Chex Mix and a plum in the last 96 hours.

Let's just go. Let's leave him here!

Yeah, that's a great idea, Axl.

We've just been accused of treating him like he's invisible, and now you're suggesting we ditch him.

We can't, right?

Mike!

What?

We got our worst player in there.

We're never gonna get out of here.

This is terrible.

If we're in trouble with Reverend Deveaux, we're in trouble with God.

You know they talk.

[ Mike groans ]

I bet all the squatters are squatting by now.

No way we're getting a booth.

Look. You know what? Maybe this is a good thing.

Did you not hear?

He spiritually counseled the Cleveland Browns.

Cleveland, Mike.

So... yeah.

Besides, it's free counseling.

I mean, are we really in the position to be turning down anything free?

That's a bad road to go down, Frankie.

You can't look too close at stuff.

You pull one thread, and the whole thing unravels.

No good can come from examining your life.

So, let me-- let me get this straight.

Your folks left you with another family for a month after you were born, you still eat dinner in a lawn chair, and they made you wait 10 years for a lime-green jello salad?

That ain't right.

Also, they never buy me the kind of toothpaste I want.

Everyone likes peppermint, but I want wintergreen.

I've always wanted to try wintergreen.

Wintergreen!

Well, don't you ever tell them this stuff?

Well, I try, but they always say things like, "Not now, Brick. We can't hear the TV, Brick."

You know, Brick, you're the youngest, so you-- you're gonna have to speak up.

I want to try something that worked really well for a team I ministered to called the Browns.

I don't know what that is.

It's a football team.

Oh!

Sports analogies don't work for me.

Okay.

N-never mind.

Uh... Let's put it a different way. If there was one thing you wished your family understood about you, what would it be?

Hmm. I guess sometimes I feel that the whole family would be happier if they didn't have me here-- if I didn't exist.

Wow.

Brick, that's deep.

That's... deep-down deep, man.

You got to tell them that.

Really?

Yes!

It's like I told my dear friend Bono back in the Cleve at his induction into the rock and roll hall of fame--

You gotta use your voice, my man!

Demand to be heard!

Now, why don't I bring your family back in here and you can tell them how you feel?

Couldn't hurt.

Yeah, I'm just, uh, checking on a few things.

Um, how are you guys on the mac and cheese?

Mac and cheese is good.

They just brought out a fresh bucket.

What's the jimmy situation?

If you folks will come back in and sit down now, Brick has something very important he'd like to tell you.

Is this something my wife could handle and tell us about later?

Go ahead, Brick.

Tell your teammates what you told me.

It's safe, my man. You got this.

[ Clears throat, sighs ]

I really want the wintergreen toothpaste.

Um... okay.

W-wait. H-hold on. [ Chuckles ]

Go on, Brick.

What else?

Oh. Right.

See, 'cause you always say we're gonna get wintergreen, but we never do.

You just get peppermint.

No. No. No.

Brick, remember what you said about how you feel?

About how you think they wish you weren't here?

No, I-I think if I get the toothpaste, I'm good.

I mean, it really all comes down to the toothpaste.

I think we can do that.

Wintergreen it is.

Absolutely.

I had no idea.

He--

Okay, well, this has been great. Thanks for all the help.

Well, okay.

If you ever want to talk, my door is always open.

[ Chuckles ] That's what I do here-- any time a family's in crisis.

All right, you know, I-I just have to say one thing.

I feel like we've gotten a bad rap.

I don't know what Reverend Hayver told you, but we are not a family in crisis-- at all.

So... spread the word.

I got drunk at a party and danced inappropriately.

[ Sighs ]

Sue, what are you talking about? When did this happen?

Sue: Well, it was about a week ago.

Remember I went to that party for J-P-La?

There was this lemonade, and...

I don't know what happened, but I got so drunk!

Hey, you like that?

It's got alcohol in it.

So, you just took a sip and you spit it back out?

Yeah.

I don't think you were drunk.

Oh, no. I was.

It affects me differently.

My body's not full of alcohol, like yours!

Threads, Frankie. Threads.

Something happened.

I had reduced inhibitions.

You don't know what I did. You didn't see it.

I did a terrible, terrible thing.

[ Voice breaking ] I don't even want to say it! It was so horrible!

Sue.

I twerked!

[ Dance music playing ]

A-- aah!

Axl: See?

That's exactly why I don't want her at East lndiana State.

Are you gonna send me to some six-month m*llitary camp where they scream at you and make you crawl through mud?

I may need that!

Well, I think we've got a handle on the problem now.

It's twerking and toothpaste.

Thanks, Reverend.

No! I think I really need help.

I feel like I'm headed down a bad path.

I think I need a one-on-one with Reverend Deveaux.

[ Sighs ]

Brick got one.

By this point, even I had reached my limit.

I mean, I'm all for free therapy, but I was starving.

Aren't parents supposed to sacrifice for their children?

Fine.

Ew!

What is this?!

Wintergreen.

Oh.

I guess I don't like wintergreen.

[ Sighs ]

Sue: Oh!

And then, one time, someone called asking us to participate in a short survey, and I told them we were busy, but we weren't.

I totally could have taken the survey.

I was voting for the Teen Choice Awards, and I voted twice.

I just love Kaley Cuoco so much.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Did you even know she was going to this party the other night?

Yes, I knew she was going.

Did you know there'd be alcohol?

Yes, I knew there'd be alcohol, so I rushed her right over.

But first, we stopped at my dealer's house and did some pot.

I'm just saying-- she's getting to the age where you got to keep your eye on these things.

Oh, I do? She has two parents, Mike.

I took her to dinner. She likes cheeseburgers.

[ Scoffs ]

Brick: Ohh! Don't talk about food.

Oh, sweet, sweet cheeseburgers.

Frankie: Yeah, you're such a great dad.

You threw a book at our son's head!

I didn't throw it hard.

That old lady popped right back up.

Y-you know, I-I don't think fake giggling while being tickled counts as a sin.

No? Are you sure?

Positive.

Look, Sue, middle school can be a tough time.

I'm in high school.

Really?

Freshman?

Junior.

Wow.

Anyway, my point is, I've never met a more upstanding, conscientious, and loquacious young woman.

So, you think I'll be okay?

I do. I do. I really do.

But your door is always open, right?

Well, semi-open.

You-- l-limited, uh... office hours.

But, you know, Reverend Timtom is always here, too.

Save some stuff for him.

Okay.

When you borrow my car, put some gas in it!

Oh, we're gonna talk about cars.

You drove my car for three days with the parking brake on!

[ Sighs ]

We can see you, Sue.

[ Laughing ] Okay. You got me.

That's one point for you.

Doorknob!

[ Laughs ]

You didn't say "Twizzlestick" before I grabbed the doorknob, so now we both get a point.

Supercalifragilistic-expialidocious.

Ha!

You didn't say "Twizzlestick" while I was saying that, so another point for me!

Sue, no one wants to play your stupid game!

Wow. Are you grumpy.

Sounds like somebody should go talk to Reverend Deveaux.

He's really good.

He doesn't walk away, like dad does, when you talk to him.

Did he feed you in there? You seem really up.

[ Laughs ]

Axl.

You doing okay, Mike?

Mm.

You seem a little on edge.

No, I'm fine.

It's just... we have someplace we got to be.

Well, there's no time like the present, Mike.

Right.

No. Listen to me, Mike.

There's no time like the present.

It's a gift, my man.

That's why they call it "The Present."

Ah.

Open it up. See what's inside. You feel me?

Uh... sure.

Okay, good.

Now, what I always like to preach back home in Cleveland-- y'all know I'm from Cleveland, right?

I've heard.

Uh-huh.

What I always like to preach is that when a team or a couple have a good relationship, the whole family will benefit.

But it must... start... here.

Mommy and daddy.

Quarterback and star receiver.

Hmm.

Now, Mike, is there anything about your past that you'd like to talk about?

Nope.

Anything about your family?

Nope.

H-how about your relationship with your brother?

Who told you I have a brother?

Never mind. Moving on.

Frankie, what about you?

Oh. Uh, I think I had a pretty great childhood.

Yeah, but it-- it can't be easy now.

Three kids, family on a budget, your work, you're stressed.

Yeah.

Yeah, life can be overwhelming, a-and you just need to let it out.

Mm-hmm.

And you're also at that stage of life where you not only have to take care of your kids, but your parents need you more now.

Am I right?

That's true. That's definitely happening.

Mm-hmm.

Can't be a lot of time for you in there. Hmm?

Mom is the toughest job in the world, and you do have a great husband here in Mike.

I do.

[ Voice breaking ] I love him so much.

[ Sobbing loudly ]

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

It's okay.

It's all right.

[ Sobbing ]

So, you ever meet Lebron?

Twice.

Hmm.

God, what I wouldn't give for some Thousand lsland soup right now.

Oh, I can't believe I came home from college for this.

I just spent the entire day in church.

I don't know. I actually feel better.

I'm glad we came. I feel renewed.

It's a whole new start for me.

You ate in there, didn't you?

I know you ate! What did he feed you?!

Ohhh... God, I'm lightheaded.

Frankie: Oh, wow.

[ Chuckles ] I'm spent.

So, who's ready to eat?

Food!

Me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. W-we're just getting started.

What this team needs now is one more big huddle, where we lay out some goals--

No! No way!

Look, I don't know what you think is happening here, but I got to tell you, this is not a family in crisis or whatever-- like, at all.

I mean, yeah, some of the time, we can't stand each other, and if my sister goes to my college, I will be forced to change my name and get a cheap Mexican face transplant, but we are tight.

We hang with each other and we goof on each other and we cr*ck each other up, and we're always there for each other.

I-I think that's because we have parents who every day, a million times a day show us what being a family is really all about.

I mean, they have our backs, and we have theirs.

And isn't that the whole point?

Just having each other's backs? I mean, right?

That's... basically what Jesus is saying.

I know it's not pretty to look at, but we get the job done.

It's like a... like a crappy-looking football team that manages to win 10 games every season.

We win ugly.

It's just how we roll.

Wow! Well said, Axl.

To have a-a young man back up his team like that gets me right here.

I really feel that.

[ Clears throat ] You know, I don't, uh... throw this type of compliment around often, but you guys are such a tight-knit group...

You remind me... [ Voice breaking ] of the '87 Browns.

Best of luck, Heck family.

Go get 'em.

[ Door closes ]

He bought it.

Way to go!

Whoo! Axl!

Young man.

Whoo! Come on. Whoo!

Let's eat.

Come on, come on, come on!

You go Oriental, I'll go lndian. Sue, you're on desserts.

Axl, you hit the carving station.

[ Grunts ] I got the soups!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Right here.

Mmm. Okay.

Take an egg roll, dip it in this hot cheese, and chase it with a sprinkle cookie.

Mmm!

Hey, here's to Axl for finally getting us out of that place.

Mm.

Cheers!

To Axl!

Whoo-hoo!

Mike: Got to hand it to you-- that thing about "A million times a day showing what family's all about"-- that was genius.

I had to bite the inside of my cheek so I wouldn't laugh.

I didn't know you could put words together like that.

But I always told you you had a good imagination.

You should take a writing class in school.

Yeah. Well, uh... actually, I wasn't just saying it to get out of there.

I, uh... kind of... sort of meant it.

[ Crying ]

It's okay. They're happy tears.

Right?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

[ Voice breaking ] I'm so happy.

Who knows why Axl said what he said.

Maybe he was hallucinating from lack of food.

Maybe he meant it.

All I know is that in the game of Twizzlestick, Parenting Edition, we were on the board.

Sure, we were losing 476 to 1, but that I sure was sweet.