05x19 - The Wind Chimes

[bunniefuu]

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie: Out here in the Middle, we're not caviar, champagne, or theater people.

We like pretzels, beer, and TV.

36 salt specks.

You count the number of salt specks?

You don't count?

No. No, I don't.

That's another one in the "Just You" column.

Mm. There are fewer specks than there used to be.

They're clearly cutting back on salt.

[ Sighs ] Isn't that the point of the pretzel -- to have it be both salty and crunchy?

Otherwise, it's toast.

Remember the rule -- no talking when the TV's on?

But the TV's always on.

And why do you think that is?

Hey, guys, don't spoil your appetite with junk.

As soon as I find the hair dryer, I'm microwaving taquitos.

[ Wind chimes tinkling ]

Ooh, listen.

Oh, that's pretty.

Somebody got wind chimes.

Hmm. There's an 800 number on the back.

It says they're excited to hear my questions and comments.

[ Chuckles ] We'll see about that.

I'm not a yes man. I'm gonna tell it like it is.

You know, maybe we could get some wind chimes.

It'd be fun to do something nice like that.

Jazz up the house, you know?

TV's on.

Thanks for hanging out at the mall and then driving me home.

I could watch you make potatoes all day.

I could watch you watch me make potatoes all day.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Gasps ] Sorry they called security on you.

You were there a long time.

I wish I could ask you in, but that's the price you pay when you're keeping your relationship a secret.

No, you're right.

Once everyone finds out, it always seems to get messed up.

It's like people are threatened by our joy.

That's why it's critical that absolutely no one finds out about us.

I'm in love with Darrin, and I need to shout it from the rooftop!

Wait -- what?

We didn't want anyone pulling us apart, so we've been keeping it a secret.

It's been so hard!

How long has this been going on?

Since prom last night.

I just think about Darrin all the time.

And when he's not around, I just miss him so much.

How do you bear the burning ache when you're apart from dad all day?!

I'm not gonna say it's easy.

[ Sighs ] It really feels right this time.

[ Wind chimes tinkling ] In fact, when he kissed me, I heard bells.

If that's the case, then we're all in love with Darrin.

Dude, I found the perfect couch for our apartment next year.

Cool. Where?

Behind this dumpster on State Street.

[ Gasps ] Wh-- And it's just sitting there? For free?

Yeah.

I smelled it, and on a scale of I to Kenny, about a 7.

[ Chuckles ] Ooh.

Uh, speaking of Kenny, I haven't exactly told him you and I are rooming together next year.

Ooh. Right.

Be gentle.

Living with Hutch next year.

Yeah. He's taking it pretty hard.

We should give him some space.

All right, come on. It's right over here.

Right over here.

Huh? What'd I say?

Oh! This is totally awesome!

I call right side.

[ Grunts ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Grunts ] Ah!

[ Both grunt ]

Yeah.

Hey, and when the game's on, we can put down plastic and fill this full of hot wings.

Ooh!

And when you want to dump the bones, just lift it out like a garbage liner.

It's a bowl and a trash can.

The bowl-can.

The trash-owl.

Eh...

We'll come up with a name later.

[ Sighs ] Hoo!

[ Wind chimes tinkling ] Ohh!

Those chimes just don't stop!

You know, it was cute at first, but after a while, it just gets annoying.

Kind of like kids.

It is a bit oppressive.

[ Telephone beeps ] Hey, what are you doing?

You're not answering another Craigslist ad, are you?

I told you -- we're not getting a four-person pedal boat.

I'm off that. Too impractical. We're a family of five.

Anyway, I'm calling the pretzel information line to inform them the decrease in salt crystals has not gone unnoticed.

So, this is just regular odd behavior?

This isn't gonna cost me anything?

Toll-free call, just like the Bureau of Land Management.

Bureau of Land Management.

[ Dialing ]

Male voice: Hi, and welcome to the Sutter Farms family of products.

From industrial cleaning solvents to our delicious baked goods, we're there for you.

If you have a question or comment, press 1.

If you have an idea for a new Sutter Farms product, press 2.

Ooh. As a matter of fact, I do.

We're sorry, but no one's available to hear your exciting idea.

Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

[ Telephone beeps ]

[ Clears throat ] Hello.

[ Groaning ] Oh, my God!

Campus is still like a million miles away.

What were we thinking?!

Man, we need a truck.

And two other dudes to put it in the truck.

I can't go looking for a truck now.

I got to get to class.

We can't leave this thing sitting here.

If someone takes it, we're gonna spend all next year knowing that someone is sitting in our dumpster couch.

I know.

What if I go to class, you spend the night here, and I'll get a truck tomorrow?

What --

Look, you stay, I'll let you pick your favorite side for when we have our own place, huh?

Hmm.

All right. Let's see.

[ Sighs ]

[ Wind chimes tinkling ]

[ Sighs ]

Mike, wake up. Do you hear that?

I didn't before you took the pillow off my head.

People need their sleep.

It's the only time we get a break from our lives.

[ Sighs ]

[ Wind gusting, chimes tinkling louder ]

[ Grunts ]

Hey, shut up your stupid wind chimes!

People are trying to sleep!

[ Window slams ]

Well, at least I didn't hear the wind chimes for a second there while you were yelling. [ Sighs ]

I'm sorry, but it's noise pollution, Mike.

Plain and simple -- noise pollution.

You know, the media is partly to blame 'cause they never report on it.

It's not sexy, like air pollution or water pollution.

[ Sighs ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Knock on door ]

You got a problem with my wind chimes?

Oh, h-hey, Rita. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, did you hear that, too?

Yeah, I think it came from the Norwoods.

Paula's kind of a hothead.

I know it was you.

I recognized your monkey chatter.

Oh. Gee.

Did I do that? [ Chuckles ]

Well, you see, I-I'm a sleep yeller.

I yell in my sleep. It's really rare.

I'm gonna be in a book about it.

What's your deal against my chimes?

My chimes are pretty.

I'm trying to beautify the neighborhood.

Yeah. Oh, beauty is good. [ Chuckles ]

Could always use more beauty.

Never met anyone who said "Go easy on the beauty," right?

I am trying to cultivate a sense of inner peace 'cause I just came back from a 6-to-9-month mandatory... spa.

Oooh! Spa!

Well, that explains why you look so relaxed.

I got a lot of rage in me.

Probably 'cause I'm going through the pre-menopause.

I'm not sleeping, I'm hot all the time.

I mean, I still like sex plenty.

That's not an issue, like it is with you.

No wonder you only got three kids if you sleep in that.

[ Chuckles ] Well... they all look the same tossed at the foot of the bed.

Am I right? [ Chuckles ]

Anyhoo... rest assured you will not be hearing a peep out of me -- at least when I'm awake.

The conscious me loves the wind chimes.

Well, if you want to stay conscious... you better.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I guess you have to get going, 'cause your ankle bracelet is flashing.

[ Beeping ]

Where have you been?!

Just woke up.

It's noon.

Now, where's the truck?

Uh, well, here's the thing --

I can't get Olsen's truck till Saturday.

What?!

But it's no big deal.

Nichols Forest is 100 yards up.

We'll drag the couch deep into the woods and leave it where no one will ever find it.

You know, I'm a little uncomfortable with how quickly you came up with that idea.

All right.

[ Both grunt ]

Hey, Mike. Listen to this.

No.

You haven't even heard it yet.

I'm writing a letter to Rita Glossner.

Exactly. No.

No, it's not a regular letter.

It's on nice stationery, and I'm dropping it off with a box of candy.

I mean, think about it. Nobody treats Rita like this.

Nobody breaks out the good stationery and gives her chocolates.

They just have her arrested.

[ Wind chimes tinkling ] Not gonna work, Frankie.

Well, I got to something. Just listen.

"Dear, Rita, thanks so much for having us over to your super-fun front-yard pool party last summer.

I feel bad we haven't reciprocated.

When the weather is less windy, we'd like to have you over.

Oh, and speaking of wind --"

See what I did there? --

"Would you mind taking down your wind chimes?

That'd be great. Thanks, neighbor.

Also, my husband has diverticulitis, and the noise isn't good for that."

Don't drag me into this. I don't have that.

Well, you might. Something's making you crabby.

Anyway, it's worth a sh*t.

Brick: Were there any calls for me?

I left my name and number with the pretzel people, and they're gonna call back.

Have an idea for them.

Really? What do you got?

Well, you know how people take pretzels and dip them in cheese?

What if you take the cheese and put it inside the pretzel?

Boom!

They already have those, Brick.

What?

Yeah. We don't buy them 'cause they're a dime more.

What am I gonna do when they call back?!

I've got nothing!

I need a new idea.

I'll be in my room.

Peanut butter?

Done.

Ohhhhh!

[ Sighs ] This is nice.

Yeah.

Good couch-to-foot ratio.

I am in complete agreement.

This is a good sign for next year.

We are gonna be good roommates.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you want to watch "Revenge"?

Hells yeah!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Indistinct talking ]

[ Wind chimes tinkling ] Okay, the chimes haven't stopped, but that doesn't mean anything.

I mean, Rita might not have even seen the letter yet.

But she had to. I put it on her doorstep.

But then, why hasn't she taken the chimes down?

[ Gasps ]

[ Door opens, closes ]

What if she can't read?

No. She steals our paper. She can read.

Oh, mom. I'm not gonna be around Saturday.

I'll be with Darrin.

You know we're going out again, right?

[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

So, if you need me, we're gonna be at a birthday party for a 1-year-old.

Darrin has a friend with a baby?

Mm-hmm. They met at air-conditioning school.

The friend, not the baby. [ Chuckles ]

Okay, it wasn't easy, but I believe I have some real winners here.

Cinnamon-roll pretzels.

Done.

Fire-roasted chipotle.

Done.

Garlic, sun-dried tomato, parmesan.

Done.

[ Groans ] Why are they coming to me for ideas?

They've already thought of everything!

[ Wind chimes tinkling ] The chimes, the chimes.

I can't think!

[ Sighs ]

[ Thudding ]

Wh--?

So, you gonna be my friend now, hmm?

You think that you can buy me with your free chocolates that the insurance company sent?

No. I ate the insurance chocolates.

I bought those special for you.

You don't want to be my friend.

You trying to manipilate me.

I will not be manipilated.

Trust me, Rita -- I'm not trying to... manipilate you.

I don't believe you.

I thought we'd put the past behind us, but I guess not.

You hurt my feelings.

You know what you are?

You're a mean girl. Mm-hmm.

You're a mean girl and a bully, and the whole neighborhood knows it.

What?! I am not a bully!

I'm nice. I sent you chocolates. I used the good stationery.

I never even use stationery!

You know what, Rita? You're the bully.

And I'm not scared of you.

[ Wind chimes tinkling ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Wind chimes tinkling loudly ]

So, you never told me -- how'd your note go over with Rita?

[ Sighs ]

Not wanting to poke the Hillbilly Bear any further, Mike brought home a solution from the quarry.

[ Wind chimes tinkling ] Okay.

So, Rita Glossner has us in her cross hairs, but maybe we get some other sucker to file a complaint or something, you know?

Take the heat off of us -- like the Donahues.

Were you talking to me?

What?

What?

I wasn't talking.

Was I?

Listen, take off your headphones when you see people's lips moving, it's just simple dinner headphone etiquette.

[ Wind chimes stop tinkling ] Hey!

Listen. It's quiet.

Ooh, take them off. Take them off.

[ Gasps ]

[ All sigh ] [ Chuckles ]

Oh, that's so nice.

Yes!

Mm. [ Wind chimes tinkling ]

[ All groan ]

[ Telephone rings ]

Oh.

Don't answer that.

It could be the pretzel people, and I'm not ready yet!

No, it's Darrin. I'm texting him right now, and sometimes he likes to call when we're texting.

It's so cute.

Hello?

Oh. [ Scoffs ]

Hello?

Okay, so, before, I was concentrating on pretzel flavors --

...but maybe I was thinking too conventionally.

What if there was a pretzel that the more you chew it, it turns into gum?

Sue: See you later!

I'm going with Darrin to the mall to help him buy new socks.

Did you hear that?

Hmm?

They're off to buy socks.

They do everything together.

And Saturday, they're going to some repairman toddler party.

What?

Yeah. That's who Darrin's friends are now -- people with kids.

So, they're going to a party with kids.

Big deal.

[ Sighs ]

Not my idea of fun, but maybe she'll bring home cake.

The big deal is, Sue is still in high school, and she should be doing high-school things.

I just don't want her growing up too fast.

Wait a minute. I thought you were okay with Darrin.

Oh, I was, but what happens when he graduates two months from now?

He's gonna get a job and his own place.

Are we gonna let Sue date someone with an apartment?

No. We're definitely not doing that.

Well, I'm telling you, Mike, that's how it starts.

It goes socks, toddler party, apartment, and then another toddler party.

Hey, dad.

When we were at the mall buying Darrin socks, we got the cutest little puzzle for Noah's birthday party.

It is a puppy policeman.

Take it back.

You're not going to any repairman toddler party.

What? Why?

I don't want you hanging out with that kind of crowd.

Toddlers?

Look, I'm your dad, and you'll do what I say.

But there's gonna be a clown -- and cupcakes.

And Darrin's gonna be there.

Well, I'm not Darrin's dad. I'm your dad.

And you're not going.

Now, put on your headphones and go to bed.

Wh--?

[ Wind chimes tinkling ]

Whoa, whoa! Geez!

Not a good time, man.

There's been a... development.

Get what I'm saying?

Yeah.

No.

I crashed a Beta Psi mixer, hit it off with a lady, brought her back to our place.

Dude! But we were supposed to watch "Revenge"!

Come on, man. We could do that later.

Is this what it's gonna be like next year?

What?! No!

Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

Can't you just be cool?

Whoa! Are you saying I'm not cool?

I am cool, man. I'm very cool.

Look, I'd do the same for you -- you know, if you ever got a girl.

That's harsh, man. Harsh!

You know what?

I'm not so sure I want to live with someone who would say something like that to me.

Fine! I'm not sure if I want to live with you, either.

Good. I'll just stay with Kenny. We have a lot of laughs.

Fine!

Fine! Enjoy woods girl.

I hope you get a deer tick in a very personal place.

[ Sighs ]

[ Huffs ]

Well, it turns out Axl wasn't the only one with roommate problems.

Well, that should be comfortable.

Yeah -- an air mattress and the old comforter the dog used to sleep on.

Great!

Well, we got to do something, Mike.

We haven't slept in two days. We're miserable.

If I don't get some sleep, I'm gonna be worse at a job I'm already not very good at.

Darrin: And then we put the kids in a playpen, and all the grown-ups jumped in the bouncy house.

Oh, and there were juice boxes.

I'm making it sound fun, but it wasn't, 'cause my Sue Bear wasn't there.

Ohhh. I miss you, too!

I can't believe I didn't get to play in the Curious George bouncy house.

But apparently, my dad still thinks of me as a little kid.

Sue, if you want to talk to Darrin, take it upstairs.

I am not gonna be the only one upstairs when we're at w*r with the Glossners.

They are capable of anything!

Aw, man. I got to go put on another pot.

It's gonna be a long night.

Brick, you don't work for the pretzel company.

They're not counting on your ideas.

Turn off the light and go to bed.

You just don't get it, dad. You don't have a creative job.

You don't, either!

Look, I'm gonna get a call from Corporate in St. Paul, Minnesota, and I've got to deliver.

You only get one sh*t in this game, and if I blow it, it's gonna k*ll me with the candy-bar people, the cereal people, the popcorn people --

Brick, I need to sleep. I got to work tomorrow.

God, I envy how mindless your job is.

[ Wind chimes tinkling ] I don't know. I think the chimes are worse.

Now there's a weird echo 'cause we're in the basement.

Dad, Darrin would like to speak to you personally.

What? No. No!

Good evening, Mr. Heck.

You are the father of Sue, and in most cases, I feel your parental decisions have been right on the money.

I mean, I think they're actually worse down here.

Seriously, are we just gonna have to put up with this, Mike?

But in this case, sir, I feel you were overly stern.

I mean, what are we gonna do to get away from these chimes -- live in the pool and breathe through straws?

Sue's a good girl. I believe she earned the right to go out.

So, this is our life -- bong, bong, bong, clang, clang, clang!

Work...ing!

Okay, that's enough!

You, turn off that lamp.

You, no more computer talking.

Turn off the lights.

Everybody go to sleep!

[ Wind chimes stop ]

[ Wind chimes tinkling ]

That's it!

What the hell you doin'?

You know what, Rita?

We've had enough of your wind chimes.

We tried to do this the nice way, but you pushed us too far.

Aah! Ow! What the hell?!

"Ow, what the hell," you. [ Stomps ]

Hey, now! I'm not looking for any trouble.

Damn it!

That's not -- No --

[ Whack ] Ow! Owww!

Hey, you're crazy! You know that?!

Oh, I'm crazy, stretch? Huh? You like crazy, do ya?

No!

Aah!

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.

What happened?

She's a nut, Frankie.

She literally went up a tree and dropped on me like a cat.

[ Wind chimes tinkling ]

Well, I mean, what did she expect?

You had to go over there. What were we supposed to do?

We were all going crazy with those wind chimes.

That's the thing, Frankie -- I wasn't.

I barely even heard the damn things before you started going on and on about them.

But you started yelling out windows and writing on stationery, and you got me all riled up about it.

What do you mean I got you riled up?

You rile me up about everything.

You riled me up about Sue.

I didn't let her go to a kid's party.

I don't care if Sue goes to a party. I trust Sue.

Aww. Dad.

You know what else?

I didn't mind it when the mailman wasn't bundling our mail into rubber bands.

But I yelled at him anyway.

And I didn't care when The Frugal Hoosier started charging a nickel a bag, but I marched into the manager's office, and I scared the hell out of a 16-year-old boy.

The truth is, I don't mind anything.

But you mind everything, so then I got to mind it, and you know why?

'Cause if mama ain't happy, then nobody's happy.

[ Inhales ]

[ Sighs ]

But I'm happy.

And it's not like I told you to do any of that stuff.

Oh, really?

So, when you tell me there's a spider in the bathroom, y-y-you don't want me to do anything.

You're just giving me the bug report.

Look, I'm sorry.

In my defense, I didn't even know you were listening.

So... you really yelled at the mailman and that kid at The Frugal Hoosier?

I never knew you did that.

That is so sweet!

Well, it's not like I come home bragging about who I yelled at that day.

Are there others?

I don't know. Maybe.

Well, this was fun, but I got to get back to work.

I'm in serious crunch time.

Ohh.

Crunch time. It's not a new pretzel.

It's a new way of thinking about pretzels.

I'm not product development. I'm advertising.

I'm a slogan man!

I'm gonna need a piano.

So, Mike and I were resigned to a life with wind chimes, and Axl was resigned to a life with Kenny.

So, if you have a fridge, that'd be great.

Oh, and if we put ourselves in the lottery, we might get one of those big corner rooms, so... that'd be good.

Plus, we already have all of our inside jokes.

[ Chuckles, sighs ]

[ Horn honking ]

There are two cushions on this couch and three "Revenges" on my phone!

[ '80s-style movie music plays ]

"Dear valued customer, thank you for your recent call to our idea hotline.

Please enjoy the enclosed with our compliments."

"10 cents off your next purchase of Sutter Farms pretzels".

[ Gasps ] My first paycheck!

That night, in addition to the sound of wind chimes, I had a slightly more annoying sound ringing in my ears -- the sound of Mike being right.

And he was.

If I had left everything alone, the wind-chime problem would have ten care of itself, 'cause eventually the Glossners take a bat to everything.