06x11 - A Quarry Story

[bunniefuu]

[Crows caw]

Okay, Mike, I just stepped on a fork in the tub.

How many times have we told the kids, we wash spoons in the tub, knives and forks in the bathroom sink?

It's just common sense.

[Sighs] This is crazy. We can't go on like this.

We need a silverware caddy in the shower.

I might have something in the garage we can use.

How 'bout that old ice bucket that says, "it's 5:00 somewhere"?

Oh, you know what?

Since the dishwasher's not working right now, we could use the caddy from there.

We'll just hang it on the showerhead where the shampoo thing usually goes.

That would be perfect!

Are you sad right now? 'Cause I'm really sad.

Look. I know we wanted to save money, and we gave it our best sh*t, but despite how much I'm gonna miss this whole hose situation, it's time to fix the sink.

Mm.

Gorillas... tigers...

Should we ask?

If we don't, it'll just look bad when the school calls.

Okay, what's going on, Brick?

Tigers... lions... Tarzan...

Why are you telling us things that are in a jungle?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

I was online doing research for my pyramid paper, and I found something called "The $25,000 Pyramid."

Then I started watching other game shows. Fascinating.

My favorite's "Match Game."

Have you heard of Nipsy Russell? Hi-larious.

And Adrienne Barbeau... That is one foxy lady.

Mm-hmm.

And they were all having so much fun at a time when things were tough.

Seems like we could use a little of that around here.

I stepped on a fork in my bathtub.

This is what I'm saying.

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

You're not gonna believe this.

They're cutting back my hours at Spudsy's.

What? Why?

Corporate is putting in a "self-fixin's" bar.

It's outrageous!

Civilians can't do it like us.

Do you know how easy it is to overwhelm a potato with scallions?

Let me end the suspense for you... very.

Oh, Sue, I'm sorry.

Tough break.

Mike, weren't you just saying that you needed someone to help you at the quarry?

Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

I'll take it. I don't care what it is.

I'll do it. [Gasps] Do I get a name tag?

How 'bout a cubicle? Doesn't matter. I'm in.

Sue, trust me, you're not even gonna want it.

It's... it's cleaning up around the trailers...

Mopping, sweeping, throwing out the trash, cleaning the toilet.

Keep talkin'.

Look, family working together is a bad idea.

[Sighs] You know how I feel about nepotism.

[Scoffs] You're letting her clean your toilets.

You're not giving her a part in your movie.

Oh, my God, Dad.

This would be so perfect.

You'll get to see another side of me.

I'll get to see another side of you.

This is no other side of me.

We could commute together.

I'm capable, I'm motivated, and I'm really, really excited.

Please, Daddy, please!

It would be my honor to clean your toilets.

[Sighs]

Well, I might have an extra sink in the backyard.

Only got 17 at the moment, but I guess I can let one go.

I appreciate it, Dad.

Right now a free sink is about all we can afford.

Of course, we'll have to take out all the formica, put in new formica.

It's a two-man job.

I know.

And this man's about maxed out. My schedule's tight right now.

What about that fella in there?

Who?

[TV playing indistinctly]

That guy on the couch. Is there someone else in there?

I'm talking about Axl.

[Laughs] Axl?

What, he's got something else going on?

Nope, he's not back in school for another week, but... it's Axl.

We were excited when he moved from his bed to the couch today.

It sounds like you don't have a whole lot of faith in him.

Oh, no, I don't have any faith in him.

But if you're feeling lucky, it's worth a sh*t.

[Man speaking indistinctly]

Axl, we're gonna be tearing up the old counters and sink.

[Mouth full] Oh, that's okay. I can turn it louder.

Actually, I meant you and me.

We're gonna fix the sink together.

Oh, okay, Grandpa, no problem.

[TV turns off]

Frankie: Don't be too impressed.

Axl started a lot of jobs like this.

But he had a time-tested escape plan.

Oh!

Forget it. I'll just do it.

[Vacuum whirring]

Forget it! I'll just do it!

We need to take out the appliances, empty the fridge, so we'll have an easier time moving it.

Sure thing, Grandpa.

[Whistling]

[Loud clattering]

Oh, no!

Oh. [Blows raspberry] I'm no good at this.

Should we forget it and you'll just do it?

That's all right.

Clean up that mess and we'll start again.

Uh... [scoffs]

Won't I just be slowing you down?

I got all the time in the world.

[Inhales sharply] Mm.

[Door opens]

Oh, hey, look at that.

[Machinery beeping]

Jim: Hey, Sue.

[Laughs]

This place is looking sweet, Little Girl Mike.

Thanks!

I went with a whole quarry-theme for the coffee area.

We have sugar rocks, doughnut holes, and I hope you have a blast.

[Laughs] Well, usually honey ticks me off on account of it being sticky.

But putting it inside a straw is nice.

[Door opens and closes]

[Clears throat] [Beeping continues]

Hey, Dad.

So, what do you think?

Uh... Sue, I think it's good that you're making an effort here.

The coffee area's fine, but just keep in mind this is a place of business.

So I don't wanna see any... Bedazzling or...

Or posters of kittens being nice to each other or anything like that, understand?

Got it.

Just give me a minute.

I'm gonna go take something down from the break room.

[Lever rattles]

Ugh! God, this place is a mess!

"Old mother Hubbard's cupboard was so messy, "instead of cleaning it with a broom, she cleaned it with a blank."

Not now, Brick. I gotta make lunch for the guys.

[Humming "Match Game" theme]

You know, I'm kind of in the middle...

Five seconds.

I'm not gonna... three... Two...

Shovel!

She cleaned it with a shovel!

[Imitates buzzer]

Sorry, Brett Somers said "rake."

"Rake"? What was she, drunk?

Look, I don't have time for weirdness now.

I gotta go make a B.L.T. In my bedroom.

Hmm.

[Toilet flushes]

So, listen to this, I was moving the dresser to toast some bread.

Makes sense. And I found an old paycheck from Ehlert Motors.

For...$146.32!

♪ $146... ♪

Please, I work with Sue now.

I've already seen so much dancing today.

How crazy lucky are we?

Well, the same crazy lucky as always.

This is void after 90 days. No bank will cash it.

Oh, crap.

Wait, does this mean I have to go back to Ehlert and ask him to reissue the check?

[Groans]

How badly do we need this money?

I'm a nighttime cupcake delivery boy.

[Sighs] Fine.

Feels good, huh, son?

Mm-hmm.

It's amazing what you can get done...

[Object clatters] When you put your phone down.

Can I, uh, get my phone back now or...

Okay, I'm heading home for the night.

I gotta soak my foot so I can get it in my shoe tomorrow.

We'll drop in the sink in the morning.

[Touch screen clicking]

Got to find another screw like this one.

Put in the faucet assembly.

You, uh, going to the hardware store or...

Why would I buy something we already own?

Mmm.

You find one tonight, we can start first thing.

[Chuckles] What?

That's like a thousand screws in there.

Gotta go through all that to find one that matches?

Aren't screws, like, 3 cents?

That's 3 cents in your pocket.

So, it's been a while, huh? How you doing, Mr. Ehlert?

I had a mole the size of Texas frozen off my back, and I'm sitting on a hemorrhoid pillow.

How do you think I'm doing?!

[Chuckles] Well, you look great.

Down, girl. I'm a married man.

[Forces laugh] That's so funny.

Anyway, um...

I found a paycheck for $146.32, but it's expired.

So, if you'll just issue me a new one, I'll be on my way.

Frances, you haven't worked here in two years, and now you're coming to me begging for cash?

Look, I just want what's owed me.

You can make it a nice round number... $146.

I'll forget the 32 cents.

You know what else is a nice round number?

Zero.

Mr. Ehlert...

Frances...

I give my charity at home.

Well, actually, I don't give it there either.

But if I were gonna give charity... and I won't...

I would certainly not give it at work.

Now if you want your money, you gotta come in and earn it.

But I already did!

I-I mean, I know I didn't sell a lot of cars, but I made the coffee, I stacked the brochures, I came to work on time.

A-almost on time.

Look, you're lucky you got me in a good mood.

I'll tell you what, you come in this Saturday and work for me, and I'll give you the money.

Now skedaddle.

I've got a sitz bath in the men's room singing a siren song to my keister.

Man on TV: What a catch by Holland.

I don't know how he held on to that.

[Speaks indistinctly] Mike Heck, come on down!

You're the next contestant on "the price is right."

Brick, I'm just trying to relax for 10 minutes before my night shift.

So where you from, Mike?

I'm from this couch.

That's my favorite part of the house.

Now the game is "Higher Lower."

Our first item up for bid is Plum Blossom soy sauce, the soy sauce of emperors.

We have this priced at $1.89.

Is the actual retail price higher or lower?

Brick, I'm not... Oh, hell, higher.

[Sighs, imitates buzzer]

The actual price of soy sauce is $1.65.

But don't worry. You still have a chance to win.

I already lost.

Cup-a-Hoosier noodle soup, now with more chicken-like taste!

We have it at $3.29.

Ooh! Lower! Lower! Dad, trust me, I k*lled it at "Joker's Wild" this morning.

[Clicks tongue]

My daughter's saying lower, so I'm gonna go lower.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

You go to the showcase showdown!

[Whispers] Showcase showdown.

[Normal voice] I gotta set it up.

[Door opens]

Frankie: Aw.

[Door closes]

You got "The Price ls Right"? Lucky.

[Sighs heavily]

So get this. Mr. Ehlert won't reissue the check unless I go in and work for a day.

What?

Oh, yeah.

[Sighs] It's fine.

There are a couple new people there who don't know we used to call him "Mr. Smell-ert," so...

I'm gonna get that going again before I leave.

So, Dad...

Did you tell mom how well I'm doing at the quarry?

She's doing fine.

Oh, Dad... Stop.

No, I'm... I'm impressed.

Once we got the no singing rule down, it's been good.

She's working hard, and the guys enjoy having her there.

Sue, look at you!

I gotta say, I really love working there.

And I think the place is shaping up.

If I can find a time when nobody's muddy boots are walking through, I am dying to get in there and really get some of those gross stains off the break room floor.

Well, if you're that excited about it, I can give you the keys. You can go in this weekend.

[Gasps] Oh, do not tease me.

[Keys jangle]

This looks good.

Nice and flush with the countertop.

Mm-hmm.

You dropped this in all by yourself, huh?

[Chuckles]

[Water continues flowing]

[Turns off faucet]

Oh, my God, it's fine.

It's better than what we had before.

I guess that's true.

[Turns faucet on]

So you like the water coming out both sides, huh?

Yeah, I like sideways water.

You can fill two glasses at once. It's awesome.

And you used the right screw?

What? There's, like, a billion screws in there!

It's close enough.

And you think this is your best work?

You're... you're happy with this?

I am. I feel great about it.

Then I guess you're done.

I guess I am.

[Groans]

I don't get what the point of me learning how to put a sink in is anyway.

I mean, I'm a business major.

Why would I need to know how to do this?

You need to know... So you'll know.

Wha... what does that even mean?!

Ugh. Nobody's in the Arby's parking lot either.

Should we just go back to the Frugal Hoosier parking lot?

[Sighs] Well, we gotta decide, or I need to get another 50 cents worth of gas.

I don't just wanna do nothing.

Now that I'm holding down two jobs, it's important for me to kick back and take some "me" time.

Oh, I can't believe you work at a quarry.

A quarry is so cool.

What even is a quarry?

Oh, it's amazing.

It's this whole major operation.

There's this... hey.

I still have the keys on me.

Do you guys wanna go see it?

All right!

Pop "Grease 2" back in its case.

This saturday night just turned itself around.

[Chain clanks]

Wow!

Oh, my god! It's like the Emerald City, but more umber-y.

It's like the Earth-Tone city.

So there's the trailer me and my dad work out of.

And there's the high security area.

Only certain people have access to it.

I do. No biggie.

Wow!

We gotta insta this. [Gasps]

Come on, come on.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Rockin'...At the quarry.

[Giggles]

[Touch screen clicking]

Hi!

Do you work here?

Oh. Sort of.

I'm interested in that car.

Great. You let me know when you decide.

Either way, it's fine.

I'm sorry?

[Mouth full] Look, I got no dog in this fight.

Take the car, don't take the car. Whatevs.

You know what? I think I'll take it.

Wait. What?

Well, assuming I like the price.

Okay, look, I know this waltz.

You'll come in with a number too low, I'll come back with one too high, we'll end up 5% below sticker, you'll walk away saying you'll think about it, and you'll never come back, which is cool, 'cause I'm never coming back either.

5% below sticker sounds great. You got a deal.

So where should we go next?

Mm!

Doug's Fancy Yogurt?

Yogurt Après Pizza? Dairy Overload?

I love it!

[Laughs]

Hey, you know where the party's at?

What? Who are you guys? What are you doing here?

We saw something on lnstagram about a quarry party.

What? What? No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

There is no party. You guys have to leave.

You're not allowed to be here. Nobody is allowed to be here.

Oh, my god. Sue, look.

[Rock music playing]

Man: ♪ yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah ♪

[Door opens]

Mike, look at this.

Not only did I get my back pay, but I made two commissions!

What? How'd you do that?

Okay. You know how Oprah's motto is "live your best life"?

Can't that woman just stay retired?

Well, here's my motto now. "Don't try."

I thought that was always your motto.

I did, too.

Turns out this whole time I thought I wasn't trying, I was actually trying a teeny bit.

The key is to not try at all.

Ooh! Sue-mometer is heatin' up.

Look at that.

Orson Community College is in our sights.

Whoo!

♪ I feel all right ♪

Please don't throw your red cups on the ground!

And please, those of you with bottles, put them in the green recycling bins.

Great party, Sue.

Oh, my god. A football player knows my name.

Ah! Focus, Sue.

Okay, you're right.

Everybody! Everybody needs to go! Now!

Please, please! If you could all just follow me this way!

Yep. This way!

Hey, guys. Check this out. I think you'll wanna see this.

Brick, tell 'em what they've won!

Mike and Frankie Heck, you have won a brand-newish sink chosen especially for you.

[Plastic crinkles]

[Frankie gasps] Whoa!

Oh, I love this!

We never win anything! This is great! [Gasps]

Thanks, Dad.

Don't thank me. Thank him.

So... laying the formica was simple once you rough it out.

The faucet can get tricky.

Uh, the mistake a lot of people make is cutting corners.

You wanna make sure you use the exact right set screw, which, of course, I did.

And as you can see, the water falls straight down, as opposed to other directions.

Dad, can I get you a glass? Sure.

Well, this is something. I gotta get a picture of this.

I know the fella at the store told me that there was a camera on here somewhere.

Oh, yeah, you got it. Just press the center button.

Oh, this... This is too complicated.

Here, why don't you take it?

No, no, no, no, no. I'll show you.

Then you'll know, huh?

Frankie: Yep, I sold two cars, and we got a new sink.

I don't get to say this very often, but things were looking up for the Hecks.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Cheering] Like I said, I don't get to say it very often.

Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no.

Get out of there! Why are you...

No, no, no, no! No dancing on the bulldozer!

Oh! No, no, no, no!

Stop it! Stop, stop, stop!

You do not have security clearance for that area!

Sue, come quick. People are doing the polar bear dive into the quarry pen!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Carly? Oh!

I'm sorry. He's in junior college.

Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god!

Hey, check it out. I'm the world's greatest boss!

[Cheering]

No, you're not!

You put that down right now!

Do you understand that people could have been hurt?

You could have been hurt. There were expl*sives there, Sue!

Somebody could have started up one of those front-end loaders!

Kids could have drowned!

Do you know how irresponsible and stupid this was?!

I could be held liable. I could lose my job.

[Sobbing] I'm so sorry!

Yeah, you're sorry. You oughta be sorry.

We already don't have any money!

What do you think could happen then?

[Sobbing] Huh? Huh? Think of all the things that could have happened.

Someone could have been drinking, gotten in a car, and k*lled a family!

And a baby.

And a baby!

I could have k*lled a baby!

How the hell could you let someone like this happen?!

Huh? Tell me that!

Why... why weren't there any people at Arby's?

Arby's? What the...

Dad, you seem upset.

Can I offer you a glass of nice refreshing water from the sink I just fixed?

[Continues sobbing] You should ground me.

Oh, you're gonna get grounded.

You haven't seen grounded like you're gonna get grounded.

Whatever you do to me is not gonna be enough!

This was supposed to be the year of Sue!

[Sobbing] And I blew it!

[Dog barking in distance]

Frankie, I'm shaking, I'm so mad.

You should have seen this party.

If anything had happened, we... We could have lost everything.

[Exhales deeply] You know, she didn't plan it.

Still.

I never should have given her the keys in the first place.

Y... [sighs] I guess I'd expect this kind of idiot behavior from Axl, but not Sue.

Mm-hmm.

I gotta ground her. Six months, minimum.

Ooh, six months? [Sighs]

It's her senior year.

She's gotta learn.

[Sighs]

[Paper rustles]

"Dear Dad/Mr. H., I'm so, so very, very sorry. You gave me the greatest opportunity in the world when you hired me to work with you and clean trailer toilets and do so many other cool things. You put your trust in me, and I just hope that one day I might be able to win back your trust because..."

[Paper rustles]

"Because it's so important to me that you can trust me, and I'll do whatever I can to..."

[Paper slides]

[Sighing]

[Sighs] Maybe two months.

Altogether, Sue slipped 22 pages under the door that night.

Mike's punishment went from six months to six weeks, but Sue didn't think it was enough, so she jacked it back up to eight.

Then we slowly forgot about it, and it petered out around four.

On the plus side, when the final scores were tabulated, Sue was the big winner in Brick's game show extravaganza.

Hey, you take the wins where you can get 'em.