06x10 - Play it Again, Brian

[bunniefuu]

Lois, look at this.

My essay won first prize in the New England Rising Writers contest.

I'm gonna be honored at the ceremony on Martha's Vineyard.

Ooh, New England Rising Writers.

I'm sure it'll be a veritable who's that of the literary world.

Laugh all you want...

...but they're gonna put me up at a luxury hotel, all expenses paid.

Wow, congratulations, Brian.

Meg, please, I'm talking.

Over a thousand people entered the contest and they chose mine.

Well, that's wonderful, Brian.

Yeah, that's a great achievement.

Just like the first chemotherapy patient to figure out the handkerchief look.

Honey, get in here. What is it?

Just... Just get in here.

What? Oh, my God.

Right?

It's like you...

...don't even have cancer. Oh, my God.

Don't even have cancer. I know.

No, but I still have pretty aggressive cancer.

Come on, Peter, we're gonna be late for lunch with Mom and Dad.

Oh, right.

You didn't forget, did you?

No, no, I didn't forget.

Let me just go change out of this fishing gear.

Hey, Peter, what's up?

Come on, we gotta go now. Come on.

Joe, Joe, Quagmire. Come on. Go, go, go.

Pull the car around. Come on, let's go.

Hello? Lois, this is Peter.

I'm afraid that on my way to the bedroom to change, I took ill.

You'd best go to lunch without me.

Why do I hear an engine?

My stomach is rumbling in a way...

...that sounds like the engine of Joe's fishing truck.

Peter, are you lying?

Oh, now she's a doctor, guys.

Hi, Lois. Quagmire says hi.

Damn it, Peter, you're going fishing, aren't you?

You promised you'd come to lunch with my parents.

Lois, until we get an appointment secretary...

...things like this are gonna continue to fall through the cracks.

My parents are not gonna like this, Peter.

They're still angry at how you behaved at our wedding.

You may now kiss the bride.

Kiss her? I am gonna destroy her.

Mom, are you still mad at Dad about yesterday?

Well, sort of. I mean, we planned that lunch two weeks ago.

But he promised he'd go with me to put flowers on my grandmother's grave...

...so I guess it's all right. Peter, are you ready?

Oh, right.

So a lot of tension with Peter lately, huh?

That's an understatement, Brian. He's been incredibly thoughtless lately.

Even more so than usual. But tonight is our sex night...

...and a little physical release will do us both some good.

Peter, are you? Oh, come on!

Lois, I know it's late...

...but me and the guys were going beekeeping.

Oh, my God. What the hell is wrong with you?

Whoa, someone just yelled themselves out of honey with breakfast.

I don't need honey, Peter...

...I need a husband who wants to spend time with me.

Can I make a suggestion?

All you two have done is argue about stuff for the past two weeks.

It's my guess you could use a vacation.

Why don't you come to Martha's Vineyard...

...and watch me accept my award?

Wow, does that sound wonderful.

Whoa, whoa, that sounds expensive.

Can't we just do something fun here at the house? It's just as relaxing.

Hey, guys, I've decided I'm gonna take up the drums.

I'll start packing.

I'll start packing.

Quagmire, we're only gonna be in Martha's Vineyard for a couple days.

Can't you just watch the kids?

Oh, man. You're more of a letdown than Fruit Stripe gum.

Mm. Aw.

What are we gonna do? Quagmire's busy, and Joe and Bonnie are out of town.

Well, what about Cleveland?

He's on the road touring with Black Box.

Wait a minute. What about that nice old man who lives up the street?

Oh, yeah. Maybe Herbert can watch the kids.

He seems like a responsible guy.

So it would only be till Monday...

...and we could pay you for it.

It's real easy, I promise.

I mean, you've spent time watching children, right?

Yes, sir. Yes, I have.

Wonderful.

You mind stopping by tomorrow morning?

I'll wear my snazziest duds.

Got my tweed pressed Got my best vest All I need now is the boy Got my striped tie Got my hopes high Got the time and the place And I got rhythm Now all I need Is Chris to go with 'em If he'll Just appear we'll Fill this big town Full of joy And if he'll say, "My darling I'm yours" I'll throw away My striped tie And my best-pressed tweed All I really need Is a boy

Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys.

The overprivileged drunk ones, not the socially responsible dead ones.

This resort offers wonderful amenities.

They have birdwatching, wine tasting, horseback riding.

Hey, they also have stork startling.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Your bird intelligence is no match for my people intelligence.

Ah, this is so wonderfully peaceful.

Yeah, it really is another world out here.

And just so quiet.

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh I'm half shark And half Peter Don't come near me I will eat you Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh

Peter, will you knock that off? It's getting annoying.

All right, fine. I'm gonna go scare some people.

Heh. Nobody'll buy it. There are no sharks out here.

Lots of people swimming up there. I could pig out if I wanted to.

But I'm watching my weight because...

...I don't wanna spend the Fourth of July alone again.

Plus, I ate a dog yesterday and now I got a bone stuck in my anus.

All right, children, your mammy and pappy...

...asked me to look after you for the next couple days.

So I wanna lay down a few ground rules.

No cussing, clean your plates...

...and only a half-hour of radio and then it's off to bed.

Well, that sucks.

And don't you mouth off to me...

...or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.

No offense, Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 17-year-old girl and I don't need you here.

Well, no offense to you, Meg...

...but you're a 17-year-old girl, and I don't need you here.

What do you think is keeping Peter?

I hope he gets here before they give you your award.

Well, you're here, Lois, that's enough for me.

Oh, you always know just what to say.

And the award for Most Mediocre Children's Book goes to:

The Adventures of Haskell: The Mystery Horse.

Here to accept is Haskell.

Thank you. Where am I gonna go next?

What interesting adventure? You don't know.

I'll have my award now.

And now, reading a passage from his grand prize-winning short essay...

..."Amazing Grace," tonight's guest of honor, Mr. Brian Griffin.

Thank you very much.

"She was Grace, in name and in essence.

To those she loved, she exuded strength, life, laughter and light.

And to me, also sorrow...

...for circumstance had bound her to my best friend...

...through whom we met in the warmth and serenity of her home.

Nothing from the first day I saw her...

...and no one that has happened to me since...

...has ever been as frightening and as confusing.

For no person I've ever known has ever done more...

...to make me feel more sure, more insecure, more important...

...and less significant. "

That was beautiful, Brian.

Well, you know what they say, write what's in your heart.

Hey. Did... Did I miss Byron's reward?

Brian's award. And yes, you did, Peter.

You've been a good son, Brian. And I'm sorry you're so sick.

What?

Peter, where the hell have you been?

Every time you... We go to a hotel...

...you hide the key to the minibar from me.

But I found it.

I found it.

Lois. Griffin.

You're a piece of work, you know that? An hour late and you're drunk.

You had an opportunity to share a beautiful moment with Brian...

...and you wasted it.

Wasted it like the Osmond family wastes water.

Who's in the shower? Is it Donny?

No, I showered earlier. It could be Merrill.

Merrill's right here.

Well, where's Jimmy?

Jimmy's running through the sprinklers in the yard.

Is it Marie?

No, no one's in there.

So the shower's just running with no one in there?

That's right.

Well, I'll be a son of a g*n.

Hey, good morning.

Oh, good morning, Brian.

Oh, that's a lovely fragrance you're wearing. What is it?

Oh, this? This is Hartz Mountain Flea Dip.

Kills ticks, fleas and mosquitoes. It's very potent.

Almost as potent as the inspiration you give me...

...to plumb the deepest fathoms of my soul...

...for a literary bounty of truth and loveliness.

Ahh, that's so much better.

Morning, Lois.

I'm sorry about last night. I promise I'll make it up to you.

Well, if you really mean that...

...I was hoping we could go paddle boating today.

Great. But can we do it after 5? There's a ballgame on.

Oh, well, then, maybe Brian and I can hang out.

Do you mind, Brian?

No, not at all.

Good. Can you move? You're blocking the screen.

We now return to Damn, Nature, You Scary! on BET.

Damn, that m*therf*cker run fast. You see that sh*t?

That thing come by my house, I'll k*ll it.

That little rat-looking thing just got ate! Damn, nature, you scary.

Y'all know what day it is? No.

It's bath day.

Oh, I don't wanna take a bath.

Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me.

But I can't wash myself.

Know anybody with a pair of strong young hands...

...to help me in and out of the tub?

Oh, rats.

I had so much fun today, Brian.

So did I. Hey, you feel like grabbing something to eat?

Oh, I'd love to...

...but Peter and I, we're gonna get dinner at that little place by the...

Well, heh, looks like I am free. Hey, you know what might be fun?

How about we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies?

Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.

I said a bad movie, not an abortion.

This is gonna be great. A whole evening with Lois.

We are gonna have a fun time.

Lois, my darling.

A couple of steaks, some wine, maybe a couple of sundaes.

Lois, my darling.

A little music, some candlelight.

Lois, my darling.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what am I doing?

This is Lois, Peter's wife.

How can I even think about trying anything?

Hello? Hey, Brian, it's me.

I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories...

...would you count NyQuil as a beverage?

Um...

No, right?

No.

Yeah, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks, Brian.

Oh, that is bullshit.[/i]

This is so much fun, Brian.

Well, it's a Saturday night...

...sorry the video-store pickings were a little sparse.

Hope you like Roman Holiday.

Tee-hee. I lied. I was a princess the whole time.

You bitch. I'm gonna punch you in the face.

That was a lovely dinner. I saved all my scraps in a bag for you.

Thanks.

You know, Lois, I'm sure you've already figured this out...

...but that essay I wrote...

...I wrote it about you.

Aw.

I had a hunch.

Thank you, Brian. I'm glad you shared that with me.

Well, you know, Lois, you mean a lot to me.

I mean, things you say and things you do...

...resonate with me in a big way.

When you drive away to go to the market...

...I don't know what to do with myself.

Then when I hear that car coming up the driveway, I go berserk.

I mean, half the time when you go to the market, I assume you're leaving forever.

And when you get back I realize...

...I have no idea how long you've been gone and I...

Well, you know what, I'm rambling.

Would like some more champagne?

I'd love some.

Oh, my head is swimming.

Oh, my God, Brian, no!

Stop it! What are you doing?

I can't help myself, Lois.

I know you're married to Peter, but I love you and I can't stand it anymore.

Brian, no! No! Get down! Get down!

This is a good sweater!

Off! Off!

Brian, I think you'd better go.

Lois, I'd really like to talk about this.

No! Stop scratching the door!

Okay.

Oh, my God, I att*cked Lois.

What the hell was I thinking? I'm a r*pist.

I'm no better than Kobe Bryant or Mike Tyson or Reagan.

Hey, Brian. Another Scattergories question.

The category is "type of pet. " Herbert put Cambodian.

That's not right, right?

Look, Stewie, I can't talk about this now.

Jeez, what's your problem?

I just... I did a bad thing and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

That's how I felt at that Grateful Dead show.

Does anybody want to buy my shirt?

I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese.

So, what happened, sport? Come on. Talk to your pal, Stewie.

All right, but only because I've gotta tell somebody.

I pretty much just threw myself at Lois.

So you finally did it, huh?

Well, look, Brian, as your friend...

...I should tell you that that vag*na is ground zero, man.

I mean, I just... I wrecked that thing on the way out.

And just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall.

Did you see that? Did you see "Brooks was here"?

We didn't have sex.

Of course, what with Chris before me, I pretty much just walked out of there.

Didn't even have to stoop over.

There was even room to twirl a cane as I strolled.

You're exaggerating.

Only a little bit...

...that's the messed-up thing.

Morning, Lois.

Peter, there you are.

Were you down at that hotel bar all night again?

I was. And you know who's staying at this hotel? Nathan Lane.

We got wasted at the bar and he ended up asking me to marry him.

So I convinced this minister to do the job, but the joke's on Nathan...

...because gay people can't get married.

They can in this state, Peter.

Oh. Well, in that case, we're registered at Filene's.

God, you've spent half this entire trip intoxicated.

Oh, I'm intoxicated all right, Lois...

...by the beauty and magic of Martha's Vineyard...

...Nantucket, Cape Cod and all the great destinations...

...that make Massachusetts the wondrous place it is.

I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois.

He's a real pal, you know that?

Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about.

Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he?

I mean, Quagmire's a lot of fun at a party, but he's so horny all the time...

...I feel like I can't trust him. Cleveland's a great guy...

...but he's got a moustache, so you gotta wonder what he's hiding.

Joe's a cr*pple, so for obvious reasons I can't trust him. But Brian...

Brian's solid. He's the one guy I know I can trust.

Brian tried to have sex with me.

Was he bigger than me?

"And they told Peter to stay away from the wolf.

But he didn't listen to them because he's his own man.

And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous...

...turn out to be the most fun. "

Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter.

Are you a pedophile?

Hey, uh, Lois told me there was some funny business.

Yeah, what of it?

Well, it's just...

I can't help but feel a little betrayed, Brian.

Lois is my wife and...

I mean, all the dry food I bought for you over the years?

Yeah, well, you don't deserve her.

Say what now?

You don't deserve her.

She does nothing but give and give and give...

...and you repay her with selfishness and neglect.

You've barely spent any time with her at all on this vacation.

Who are you to tell me how to run my marriage?

You can't hang onto a girlfriend for more than a couple months.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You're a train wreck with that crap.

You couldn't get Jillian to take you back and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Stop it! Stop it! Get off my husband!

Wait a minute, Brian. Nathan Lane is right.

What are we doing?

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

It's just... When you have feelings for someone that are strong enough...

...you just, I don't know, lose sight of the rest of the world.

Brian, she's my wife. And you're my best pal.

So, what are we gonna do about this?

I promise, Peter, nothing like this will ever happen again.

Thanks, old buddy.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah, that's all well and good, Peter.

Now, get ready, we're having dinner with my parents tonight.

Oh, right.

I just feel terrible about this whole thing, Lois.

Can you ever forgive me?

Yes, Brian, I can.

But there's something you deserve to know.

What's that?

Well...

...it's not like I haven't thought about it.

Really?

Well, yes.

I mean, you and I have a lot in common...

...and we've spent so much time together over the years...

...and of course that essay you wrote...

...it really touched my heart.

Well, to be honest, Lois...

...I ripped off most of that speech from Summer of '42.

Oh. Well, it was still nice.

Let me just ask you this.

When these thoughts about you and I have crossed your mind...

...is it good?

What do you mean?

Well...

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, a lot of times when Peter and I are having sex, I feel suffocated.

But with you, I imagine it would be like doing it with a stuffed animal.

Everybody ready to go?

All set, Peter.

Good.

We may be leaving Martha's Vineyard...

...but the spirit of this wonderful place...

...will stay in our hearts all the way home. Because, after all...

The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old And what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of what's old And what's new The spirit of Massachusetts Is the spirit of America The spirit of the red, white and blue