08x10 - The Springfield Files

[bunniefuu]

[Scene: Study. Leonard Nimoy is sitting at his desk.]
LEONARD: Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true and by true I mean false. It's all lies but they're entertaining lies and in the end isn't that the real truth. The answer is no. Now the story begins on a Friday morning in a little town called Springfield...

[Scene: Nuclear Power Plant. Homer, Lenny and Carl are there.]

HOMER: TGIF. Guys, I'm off to Moe's.

LENNY: But Homer, it's ten in the morning.

HOMER: Don't worry, I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping it's speed over fifty. And if it's speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down". First, I hook this common VCR into the security camera system like so. Then I insert this old video tape of us working, on a continuous loop.

[Cut to Mr. Burns' Office. Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers are sitting in front of the surveillance monitors. Homer's tape is running.]

BURNS: So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing, Smithers? Something gay no doubt.

SMITHERS: Wh-what?

BURNS: You know, light hearted, fancy free, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers in on the town.

SMITHERS: Ha-ha-ha, exactly, sir.

[Scene: Retirement Castle. Jasper and Mrs. Glick are sitting at a table.]

JASPER: Thank god it's Wednesday.

(He swallows his pills.)

MRS. GLICK: It's Friday.

JASPER: Uh-oh. Wrong pills. (His hair grows and covers his entire body.) Uh, little help?

[Scene: Noiseland Arcade. There's a smoking gorilla and a stack of barrels there. The gorilla is sitting under a sign "Friday Meet Donkey Kong In Person". The owner walks past.]

OWNER: Sorry, Donkey Kong. You're just not a draw anymore. (Donkey Kong throws a barrel at him.) Hey, he's still got it.

[Cut to inside the Arcade. Milhouse is putting quarters into "Kevin Costner's Waterworld".]

MILHOUSE: Thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty quarters. This better be good.

(In the game, Kevin Costner steps forward.)

MACHINE: Game over. Please deposit forty quarters.

MILHOUSE: What a rip!

(He starts putting in more quarters.)

[Scene: Doctor's Office. Dr. Hibbert heads for the door.]

DR. HIBBERT: Thank god it's Friday.

(He leaves. Hans Moleman is still standing behind the x-ray screen.)

HANS: Hello? Hello?

[Scene: Simpson House. It's a mess. Marge picks up a "Better Homes Than Yours" magazine. Santa's Little Helper is gnawing on a chair leg.]

MARGE: Bad dog. (Snowball II scratches on the couch.) Bad cat. (A fawn eats the garbage.) Bad fawn. Hmm. Shoo, shoo!

[Cut to Bart and Lisa watching TV.]

LISA: (excited) All right! It's time for ABC's TGIF line up.

BART: Lis, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC's must see Thursday and CBS's Saturday night crap-o-rama.

[Scene: Moe's Tavern. Homer is there.]

MOE: Another Duff, Homer?

HOMER: Nah, it's Friday night, Moe. I wanna try something special.

MOE: Uh, sure, sure. (He puts two dots above the U on the Duff bottle.) Here you go. Düff from Sweden.

(He hands it to Homer.)

HOMER: Skoal! (He takes a swig.) Wait a minute, this is Duff.

MOE: Yeah, you got me didn't you. All right, here you go. Red Tick Beer.

(Homer takes a swig.)

HOMER: Mmm. Bold, refreshing, and something I can't put my finger on.

[Cut to the Red Tick Beer Brewery. Three dogs are swimming around in the beer. A man tastes it.]

MAN: Mmm, needs more dog.

[Cut to Moe's Tavern. Barney and two others have passed out at the bar. Homer has drank about four more Red Tick Beers.]

HOMER: Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

MOE: Just a second, Homer. You gotta take a breathalyzer test before I let you drive home.

(Homer blows into it and the light passes "Tipsy", "Soused", "Stinkin'" and hits "Boris Yeltsin".)

HOMER: Ah, I guess I'll walk home.

(Homer walks out and down the street. He walks past a creepy forest and hears a dog howl. He gets scared. He hears the "Psycho" tune and headlights shine on him. The Springfield Philharmonic bus stops and the people are playing the "Psycho" tune on their stringed instruments. A violinist gets off the bus and it drives away. Homer runs down the street and sees a billboard with DIE in huge letters on it. Homer screams. The wind blows and a tree moves which uncovers the T. The board now reads DIET. Homer screams louder. He runs through the forest. He gasps when Grampa comes out of the bushes.)

GRAMPA: Oh, son, I'm glad to see ya. I went for the morning paper and I got lost. And...

HOMER: No time for you, old man. (Homer pushes him out of the way and continues running. An owl hoots. He trips over a tree root sticking out of the ground. He looks up and sees a green glowing alien-like creature walking straight towards him. The X-Files music plays. Homer stands up.) Please don't hurt me.

ALIEN: Don't be afraid.

HOMER: Yahh!

(Home screams and runs through long grass. He forms the word "Yahh!' in the grass.)

[Scene: Simpson House. Bedroom. Marge is asleep. Homer barges in, puffing.]

MARGE: Homer, it's 2am. What happened?

HOMER: It was an alien, Marge. It appeared in front of me and said "Don't be afraid".

MARGE: Have you been drinking?

HOMER: No. Well, ten beers.

[Time lapse. Morning. Kitchen. Homer, Marge, Lisa and Maggie are there.]

HOMER: I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet.

LISA: Maybe you just dreamed it.

HOMER: Oh, yeah? Well, when I came to, I was covered with a sticky translucent goo. Explain that.

MARGE: More sausage?

(Homer drools.)

LISA: Dad, according to Junior Skeptic Magazine, the chances are 175 million to one of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours.

HOMER: So?

LISA: It's just that people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh, and you, dad. Hehehe.

(Bart comes in wearing spring goggles, a bike helmet with antennae and holding a water soaker.)

BART: I am the thing from Uranus.

(Homer gets scared.)

HOMER: Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked. By my own children. On my birthday.

BART: It's your birthday?

HOMER: Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dog's.

LISA: Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday? Ooh, we've gotta get you a present. (She hugs him.) Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

(Bart hugs him.)

BART: We love you, boy.

(Marge hugs him.)

MARGE: Good, doggy. Good, doggy,

HOMER: Lousy lovable dog.

[Scene: Nuclear Power Plant. Homer is standing in front of a bunch of co-workers.]

HOMER: Oh, it was awful. They set me on a cold metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes. Oh, wait, that was my physical.

(The co-workers walk away.)

CARL: Nice story, Homer, really.

[Scene: Police Station. Homer is talking to Chief Wiggum.]

HOMER: The alien has a sweet heavenly voice. Like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night. Like Urkel.

WIGGUM: Wow, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass. I mean, uh, Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

(Homer sighs.)

HOMER: You don't have to humiliate me.

(Homer walks away. A man sits in his seat. He is playing with a lighter.)

MAN: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again.

CHIEF: Oh, yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. Fruit cake.

[Scene: FBI. Division of Paranormal Activities. Washington DC. Scully is typing on a computer. Mulder shows her a newspaper.]

MULDER: Look at this, Scully. (The paper reads "Human Blimp Sees Flying Saucer" with Homer's picture under it.) There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.

SCULLY: Well, gee, Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of dr*gs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.

MULDER: I hardly think the FBI's concerned with matters like that.

[Scene: Simpson House. Mulder and Scully knock on the door. Marge opens it.]

MARGE: Hello. Can I help you?

(They show their badges. On Mulder's badge, there's a picture of him posing in his underwear.)

MULDER: Agents Mulder and Scully. FBI.

(Marge gasps.)

MARGE: Is this about the pen that I took from the post office? I-I swear I didn't know I put it in my purse. Then I was going to bring it back but the dog chewed it up and that just made things worse.

(She hyperventilates.)

SCULLY: Actually, we're here to see your husband about his UFO encounter.

MARGE: Oh, come, come in.

[Scene: FBI Springfield Branch. The sign reads "Invading your privacy for 60 years". Homer is looking at a lineup of aliens. The aliens include Marvin the Martian, Gort, Chewbacca, Alf and Kang (or Kodos).]

SCULLY: Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these were the aliens you saw.

HOMER: No, I'm sorry.

(The aliens grumble in disappointment.)

MARVIN: This makes me very angry.

[Cut to the basement. Homer is strapped to a lie detector. The Cigarette Smoking Man is standing in a corner.]

SCULLY: Now we're gonna run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?

HOMER: Yes.

(The lie detector blows up.)

[Time lapse. 2:00. Scully tapes on Homer's knee to check his reflexes.]

[Time lapse. 2:32. They're still waiting. Mulder's drinking coffee.]

[Time lapse. 4:05. They're still waiting. Scully's filing her nails. Homer's leg finally moves.]

HOMER: Ow.

[Time lapse. Homer is running on a treadmill wearing only his underwear. He has wires attached to him.]

MULDER: Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?

SCULLY: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.

MULDER: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.

SCULLY: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

[Scene: Moe's Tavern. 3:02pm. Homer, Mulder and Scully are sitting at the bar.]

MULDER: All right, Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.

HOMER: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

SCULLY: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.

HOMER: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?

[Time lapse. Homer has had about five or six beers.]

HOMER: You are one fine looking woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that. (He slams his beer on the bar and it spills.) I am so sorry. Whatever you do don't tell Marge. God, I love her. Hey, a penny.

(He falls on the floor.)

MOE: So, uh, who are you guys, anyhow?

MULDER: Agents Mulder and Scully. FBI.

(Moe gets nervous.)

MOE: FBI, huh? Uh, excuse me. (Moe goes out the back. There are two men there hosing a whale.) All right, they're onto us. Get him back to Sea World.

[Cut back to the bar.]

HOMER: So I says blue M&M, red M&M. They all wind up the same color in the end.

SCULLY: Homer, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar.

[Cut to the forest.]

HOMER: I was standing right here when the horrible creature emerged from the woods.

(There's a rustle in the bushes. They gasp. Grampa comes out from behind the bushes.)

GRAMPA: For the love of god, help me! I've been here for four days and a turtle's got all of my teeth. There he is! (He points to a turtle wearing his dentures. Grampa runs about as fast as the turtle and has a hard time catching up.) Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get you!

SCULLY: This is the worst assignment we've ever had.

MULDER: Worse than the time we were att*cked by the flesh-eating virus?

GRAMPA: Oww! He bit me with my own teeth!

SCULLY: No, this is much more irritating. I've seen enough, Mulder. Let's go.

MULDER: Yeah, okay. But somewhere out there something is watching us. There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive. (Scully rolls her eyes.) Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around. (Scully walks off.) Voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries. The truth is out there.

(Behind him, Moe and the two men are carrying the whale.)

MOE: Ohh. Who thought a whale could be so heavy. (They spot Mulder.) Geez, it's the feds!

(They run off.)

[Scene: Simpson House. Bedroom. Homer and Marge are in bed.]

HOMER: Oh, Marge, I've never felt so alone. No one believes me. Ah, this is the part where you're supposed to say "I believe you, Homer".

MARGE: I don't believe you, Homer.

HOMER: You do? Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy.

MARGE: You're not listening. You're only hearing what you wanna hear.

HOMER: Thanks, I'd love an omelet right about now.

MARGE: Homer, please. I tried to be supportive but this has gone too far. Please, just let it be.

HOMER: No, I can't. This is my cause. I'm like the man who single handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

MARGE: Please, let's just go to sleep.

HOMER: No, I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy. Unless you're feeling amorous?

MARGE: No, I'm not.

HOMER: Well, then good night.

[Time lapse. Kitchen. Homer is sitting at the table. Bart walks in.]

BART: Hey, dad. What's the word on Planet Crackpot?

HOMER: Oh, I supposed you're gonna mock me too.

BART: Well, actually, dad, I believe you.

HOMER: You do?

BART: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.

HOMER: Thanks, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?

BART: Hell, yes.

HOMER: That's my boy. So if you believe me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien.

BART: What if we don't?

HOMER: We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.

BART: They'll buy anything.

HOMER: Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming too. (They laugh.) I k*ll me.

[Scene: Woods. Homer and Bart are camping out. Near by three frogs sit on lily pads in the creek.]

FROG 1: Bud...

FROG 2: Weis...

FROG 3: Er.

FROG 1: Bud

FROG 2: Weis...

FROG 3: Er.

(A crocodile eats them.)

CROCODILE: Coors.

BART: So, dad, can I have a sip of your beer?

HOMER: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's with daddy's and kids with fake IDs. Besides, it's such a beautiful night, how about a ghost story.

[Time lapse. Bart is shining a flashlight in his face.]

BART: And that is how much college will cost for Maggie.

HOMER: No, no, noooo!

[Time lapse. Homer and Bart are roasting marshmallows.]

BART: You know, dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien. I really had a great time out here.

HOMER: Me too. (The X-Files music starts and the alien emerges from the bushes.) It's him!

ALIEN: I bring you peace.

HOMER: As a representative of planet earth, let me be the first to say... (He steps on the fire.) Aaahhh! (The alien gets scared and runs away.) D'oh! It's gone. And we still don't have any proof.

(Bart holds up the video recorder.)

BART: Oh, yes, we do. I got it all on tape.

HOMER: Good work, son. We did it! We did it!

[Cut to Leonard Nimoy's study.]

LEONARD: And so from this simple man came the truth that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night.

TEENAGER: Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.

LEONARD: Oh, fine. Let me just get something out of my car.

(Leonard leaves and a car drives off. The teenager walks into view.)

TEENAGER: I don't think he's coming back.

[Scene: Simpson House. Homer is watching TV.]

KENT BROCKMAN: Tonight on Eyewitness News. A man who's been in a coma for twenty-three years wakes up.

MAN: Does Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?

KENT: No, she won an Oscar and he's a congressman.

MAN: Good night.

(He dies.)

KENT: But first, E.T. phone Homer... Simpson that is.

HOMER: Marge, kids, they're about to show my videotape.

(Marge, Bart and Lisa run in.)

KENT: Local man, Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamp post, has given us this video tape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind. (He chuckles. The video tape plays.) The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 news team will be there, except for Phil the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. (He's hit on the head with the boom mike.) Very unprofessional, Phil.

BART: Well, Lis, what do you think about the alien now?

LISA: I think there must be a more logical explanation. And I think the people of this town aren't gonna be won over by three seconds of video tape.

(The doorbell rings. Homer opens the door. A crowd of people are standing on the lawn.)

HOMER: Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all. Dr. Hibbert?

DR. HIBBERT: Yes, is the alien carbon-based or silicone-based?

HOMER: Uh, the second one. Zillifone. Next question.

BARNEY: Is the alien Santa Claus?

HOMER: Uh, yes.

NED: Were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane?

HOMER: This interview is over.

(Homer goes inside and slams the door shut. The weather vane falls off the roof and hits the welcome mat.)

[Scene: Church. Lovejoy is giving a sermon.]

LOVEJOY: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. He came in peace and then d*ed. Only to come back to life. And his name was E.T. the Extraterrestrial. (Sniffs) I love that little guy.

[Scene: Friday Night. Woods. The town gathered to wait for the alien. A large "Welcome Alien" banner has been pinned up. Jimbo is holding a cardboard sign reading: "Alien-Dude: Need two tickets to Pearl Jam". There's a hotdog stand near by. Bart walks up to Leonard Nimoy.]

BART: Leonard Nimoy, what are you doing here?

LEONARD: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.

BART: Uh-huh.

VENDOR: Hey, Spock. What do you want on your hotdog?

LEONARD: Surprise me.

(Near by there is a Souvenir T-Shirts stand. They are selling "Homer was right" and "Not fat alien chicks" t-shirts.)

HOMER: Take a look at these t-shirts, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer is a dope" t-shirts. Do you?

MAN: We sold those out in five minutes.

HOMER: D'oh! (Marge, holding Maggie, walk up to Homer wearing the "Homer is a dope" t-shirts.) Marge, how could you?

MARGE: These t-shirts are 100% cotton. And look at the fine stitching on "dope".

HOMER: I'll take two. (Dark rain clouds form and eerie music starts. The alien emerges from the bushes.) Look, there it is!

MARGE: Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you.

ALIEN: I bring you love.

DR. HIBBERT: Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar?

(He chuckles.)

ALIEN: Uh... I bring you love.

LENNY: It's bringing love! Don't let it get away!

CARL: Break its legs!

(Everyone charges for the alien holding bats and crowbars.)

LISA: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien!

(She shines a flashlight on the alien to reveal Mr. Burns.)

BURNS: Hello, children. I bring you love.

WILLY: Aah! It's a monster! k*ll it! k*ll it!

(Smithers runs in front of Mr. Burns.)

SMITHERS: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns.

WILLY: Aww, it's Mr. Burns. k*ll it! k*ll it!

SMITHERS: No, let me explain. Every Friday evening after work, Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments designed to cheat death for another week. First, Mr. Burns' chiropractors perform a slight spinal adjustment. Then a team of doctors administer his eye drops, painkillers, and a vocal cord scraping. The whole ideal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disorientated.

BART: But what's with the glowing?

BURNS: Um, I'll field that question. A life time of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow. And left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love, I bring you fear, famine, pestilence and...

DR. NICK: Time for a booster.

(He jabs Burns with a needle.)

BURNS: (singing) Good morning, starshine. The earth says hello.

LEONARD: (singing) We twinkle above us, we twinkle below.

(Everyone joins in.)

MARGE: (to Homer) Well, you said you'd bring them peace and love and it looks like you did it. I'm proud of you, Homie.

HOMER: Thanks, Marge.

(Among the crowd is Scully, Mulder and Chewbacca. Scully and Chewbacca are wearing "Homer is a dope" t-shirts.)

[Scene: Leonard Nimoy's Study.]

TEENAGER: And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night. And keep watching to skis. Uh, skies.