02x02 - Nothing Resonates Like Rhinoceros Foreskin

[bunniefuu]

[classical music]

♪

I can't see anything.

What time is it?

Shh.

What is this?

It's my face, get off of it.

Shut up, they're coming. Get down.

[door unlocking]

You know, I realized I've never even been in your apartment before.

Oh, no, I tipped the guy in the wrong currency.

All: Surprise!

Welcome home.

To your apartment.

I'm gonna warn you, I smell insane.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you do smell horrible.

[laughing]

Wow, this is a great apartment.

Thanks, yeah, they all live here.

Good to see you.

I'm Bradford.

I'm Bradford, I'm Bradford.

This is Shariza.

Shariza, how are ya?

Ugh, I've been dreaming of that shower for six weeks.

Mmm.

Whoa.

Oh, yeah, we brought back, like, a ton of instruments.

[bottle clinking]

Since when do you wear perfume?

Since Kuala Lumpur.

And Bradford likes it.

Hmm.

Actually got you one.

Maybe Alex will like it.

Don't you mean Rodrigo?

Hailey, listen, I almost fell in an active volcano twice.

I ate jellyfish every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

And if I learned anything, I learned that there's no time for bullshit.

So you gonna tell me what's going on in there or am I gonna have to do it?

Maybe you should do it.

Okay, fine.

One, you need to get Rodrigo a new assistant.

I've been trying, but he rejects everyone.

He does or you do?

Two, you need to figure out what it is that you're doing with Alex.

Oh, he's such a good guy, though.

My dad's a good guy.

Actually, my dad's a d*ck. Three...

What does jellyfish taste like?

It's chewy.

Three...

I don't remember what three is.

I'm so happy you're home.

Now this one is my baby.

Oh, wow, that's pretty neat.

Tap it as softly as you can.

Okay.

[light tone resounds]

Nothing resonates like rhinoceros foreskin.

Ew, are you for real?

Nah, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

But it is some kind of a skin from a carcass.

You'll never believe how I got it through customs.

So I don't know if you heard, but Elizabeth invited me to move in with you guys.

Oh, cool, man.

Mm-hmm.

Hailey let me keep my toothbrush here.

So you should consider yourself pretty lucky.

What kind of a toothbrush do you use?

What? Just like a standard one.

Get an electric one, okay?

I promise, it's a whole new level.

Also, get a Waterpik too, if you really wanna blow your mouth's mind.

Oh, excuse me, try to always cup it from the bottom.

Like... 'cause it can't support it with just the three horns.

♪ [playing Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"]

Guess what I've been trying to say is, you can choose what you wanna see.

It's up to you.

Like, right now, what do you see?

[light chatter]

♪

[laughs] I see Mike making our guests really uncomfortable.

[laughs]

I see an energetic young man who is full of potential who lives and breathes music every day.

[music crescendos]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

[warming up instruments]

[chatter and laughter]

Maestro.

Yeah, but I'll take it.

[chatter continues]

[man coughs]

[musicians quiet]

Last night's performance was not bad.

But it was also not not bad.

Understand what I'm saying?

[laughter]

Like this, we're going sideways.

You cannot fly to the moon like this.

No, no, okay?

No more distractions.

Not here.

I expect you all to leave your life in the dressing rooms together with your jeans and come here and do it as if it was your final performance.

And next time that I walk into this building, and I see a lawyer lingering around on the stage, okay?

The rehearsal is cancelled.

Just like that.

And the next time that I walk in and I step onto the podium and I have to wait for you guys to finish up or wrapping your chittie-chatties, okay?

Rehearsal is cancelled!

And the next time that the phone rings during a performance, Puta madre.

I want you to answer the phone and say, "Hello, yes, hi. Yes, it's me, yes. You know what? I'm in the middle of a performance, and I'm packing up my things, because you know what?
I'm leaving the orchestra. Because I'm not a member of this orchestra anymore because I'm not welcome anymore, because the rehearsal is cancelled!"

And the softball, that's it.

It's done. No more softball.

What?

The season is over.

Yes, it's over.

He can't do that.

Let's begin.

[playing classical music]

[indistinct chatter]

Maestro, I need your help with something.

Hey.

It's important.

And what is that, Gloria?

I just got off the phone with the esteemed donor who so graciously lent us your apartment.

Uh-huh.

And whose daughter, Sarabelle, you just fired.

He's threatening to evict you.

Why?

You tell me.

No, no, no, no.

You... Gloria, I was told to make myself at home.

[goat bleating]

I have seen thee and her, and I do adore thee.

[didgeridoo resounds loudly]

You're on very thin ice.

And I suggest you get off of it before it breaks and we both fall through.

[stomps foot]

This ice feels very good to me.

And now I cannot hear you.

Because I'm listening to Igor Fyodorovich Stravinsky.

Which, by the way, I'm sure he used to love ice skating.

Russians, you know?

[sing-song] Pavel!

[stamps foot]

Ms. Windsor?

Is there a problem with the floor?

Oh, no, no.

It's absolutely perfect, Pavel.

Hm.

Thank you.

[classical piano playing]

[humming]

♪

[music stops]

Well?

Well, what?

Winslow, for God's sake, man.

A penny for your f*cking thoughts.

It's a work in progress.
What do you want me to say?

Decades, I've been working on this bloody thing.

I mean, come on, a work in progress?

A work in progress, that's good news.

I envy you.

It's all still yours.

No one's seen it, no one's heard it.

It's your own private symphony.

And now you can get funky with it.

Funky my ass!

You don't understand!

What don't I understand?

I've made arrangements.

What kind of arrangements?

This is set to premiere in Belarus in two month's time.

[chuckles] Oh.

Oh, um... [laughs]

Congratulations.

That's terrible news.

[laughs] Um, but, uh, but you can cancel it.

Just call in sick.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's months from now.

"Call in sick."

It's derivative.

I beg your pardon?

Derivative?

You just said it had potential!

Yes, but... but...

[playing frantically]

♪

Sound familiar?

It should do.
I wrote the f*cking thing.

Oh, well, I hadn't realized that Gustav Mahler had a New York bachelor pad.

[laughs]

And this...

[playing whimsically]

♪

It's Debussy.

This is what happens with all conductors.

You've devoted your life to interpreting the most beautiful music ever created.

It's only natural that what goes in must come out.

All right, that's enough, okay, come on.

On your way, on your way.

Oh, ow, aah!

Come on, come on.

Oh, I'm ticklish.

Ow! I bruise easy.

Get your stuff, come on.

[groans]

Out!

Right, come on.

Come on.

It pains me to have to eject you from my home, but I must.

You are a pianist of genius, but now you're old and negative.

And your ears, they're like two little ancient bat caves.

So do me a favor.

Put on your rubber gloves and go f*ck yourself.

[classical music]

So where is he?

Mr. Biben had every wish to be here, but couldn't rearrange a last-minute meeting in Moscow.

He asked me to come to represent him and to apologize.

[in low voice] I'm sorry.

This is very unusual, but knowing Biben, hardly surprising.

Shall I begin?

[clears throat]

"Gloria, sorry I'm not here.

You look great, by the way."

How would he know that?

Sensing you would ask that question, he says...

[clears throat] Because you always look great.

Mm.

Now down to business.

I pride myself in being a dedicated donor in support of the New York Symphony.

However, I and my close colleagues on the board will be delaying our donations until the next financial quarter."

That'll really f*ck over our cash flow, Sharon.

[scoffs]

Biben, you're a shrewd man.

Any players committee audits will show our balance low.

It'll only help our leverage in the negotiations.

That's very clever.

[knocking on door]

Hailey.

Hi, you said that you wanted to see me?

Yes, come on in.

Edward... I mean, Sharon was just leaving.

Am I in some sort of trouble or something?

No, on the contrary.

Is that me?

Yeah, isn't it fantastic?

We're making an attempt to connect to a younger demographic.

To them, the symphony is just blue hair and cough drops and mothballs.

She gets it.

Our focus groups are really flipping over this direction.

Oh.

Even makes me want to twerp out an Instapic.

I don't... is that right?

Hailey, we'd love to use this image as part of our campaign with your permission, of course.

What's the matter? Cat got?

What?

Cat got?

Excuse me?

Cat got your tongue?

Oh, uh, well, no.

It's just that I'm only a sub, so I don't really...

You are part of the team.

Okay. [laughs]

Sure.

We'll get this over to the office and let them know they can start printing it up.

Cool.

There is one more thing.

I'd love for you to come to the Young Donors event tomorrow night.

It's a good time.

And we want some young, fresh blood there with us.

Thank you so much, um, but I actually have plans tomorrow night, so I... so I can cancel them.

That would be appreciated.

Hailey Rutledge, welcome to the team.

Maestro.

Oh, "Hai Lai."

Hey, thank you so much.

Yes, you're welcome.

I can hardly... awake.

This f*cking divorce, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

I have so many errands for you.

Um, well, I think I found you a really good assistant.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Okay, well, um, that's great.

Excellent.

Let's schedule the interview for after the Latino Americano tour.

Yeah, I would prefer to do that now.

Now is not a good time for me to change.

It's a good time for me.

Okay, when can she begin?

He can actually begin immediately, because he is here.

Mike.

Maestro, it is an honor.

What?

I am Michael. Mike.

Mike?

Mike.

Mike?

I think it's gonna be a really great fit.

No, my jeans are a great fit.

What makes you think that you can replace "Hai Lai" Rutledge?

Well, Hailey explained everything to me in detail, and I'm feeling confident, and sure of myself, and...

I see, I see.

You know, "Hai Lai" has always been looking out for me, you know?

She's kept my life in tune.

If it was, for example, digging up an old score that I didn't find, or, for example, explaining a joke that I didn't understand very well.

Tell me, "Michele," are you capable of making a mate half as good as this one?

You're right, Maestro.

No one can replace Hailey, but, for what it's worth, that mate is my work.

So, Einojuhani Rautavaara and Jean Sibelius are born in the same country, right?

Finland.

That was easy.

Okay, Toscanini, before he became a conductor, what instrument did he play?

The cello.

Did you tell him that?

No.

No? You sure?

Yeah, I'm positive.

Okay, which composer was driven into a monastic lifestyle after the Pope denied his lover permission to marry him?

[gasps] Whoa!

Ay, "Hai Lai."

Ooh, how impressive.

Thank you.

Well, if there's nothing else, then I'll be going.

Yes, "Hai Lai," I think there is nothing else except to say... thank you.

Thank you.

Bye, Mike.

Bye, "Hai Lai."

[solemn music]

[sighs]

"Michele."

I felt so bad for Christophe.

What do you suppose crawled up Rodrigo's ass?

That is no way to refer to our Maestro.

And no more softball?

What the sh*t is that?

You okay?

Yeah.

Make sure you get all this down.

Easy, Bob. Hailey isn't a spy.

She's here taking minutes 'cause I asked for the help.

Just so you all know, I no longer work for the Maestro.

Are you ready to order?

Oh, yeah.

Make it two large cheese, one ultimate veggie.

I'm allergic to bell pepper.

I will want a few pieces of bell pepper.

Or we'll add a small bell...

No, I want a large.

What is the point of agree...

Okay, everybody, I'm calling this meeting to order.

We heard back from management.

They rejected our terms.

They're sticking to the rollbacks.

We asked for too much.

Oh, I'm not surprised.

How can they keep crying "poor" when we've sold out every show since Rodrigo's been here?

Well, they say subscriptions have dropped off.

Let's face it.
Our audience is dying out.

We should just take what we can get.

Man, and I thought those hockey players were a bunch of wimps.

No one here is a wimp.

They just spat in your face, and you're listing the reasons why.

This is a negotiation, and I still believe we can work with Gloria Windsor.

What if you can't?

What if she's not even in control?

There are seven members of the board's contract committee.

Three of them were brought on by Edward Biben.

Can you work with him? [scoffs]

He carves up companies for a living, and you think he gives a sh*t about your mortgage, Warren?

Or your health care, Dee Dee?

I'll tell you what he gives a sh*t about: his image.

So I recommend we find some dirt and fling it in the press.

We're the New York Symphony.

We have to retain our dignity.

You may retain your dignity, but you're not gonna retain your pension plan.

No one wants a strike.

No one wants to get run over by a truck, but you're about to be.

Nina, may I talk with you for a moment in private?

Sure.

[clears throat]

Listen, Nina, I really appreciate you coming in here with so much confidence, but we don't want to alienate the players who are a little more g*n-shy.

Absolutely.

I work for you and the players, Cynthia.

I'm just giving you the benefit of my experience.

Good, thank you.

If I could just say one thing...

I don't know whether it's the cello or the cheekbones or what, but I think you're one of the sexiest women I've met in a long time, and it's making it incredibly hard for me to concentrate.

Okay, look, I...

Oh, Jesus, are you blushing?

God, could you get more hot?

Just got really hungry.

[players chattering]

Oh, throw him under the bus.

You heard what she said the other day?

[clinking]

Everyone having a good time?

I hope you're enjoying the party.

If not, you can lie.

[laughter]

I...I don't open my doors very often, but this Young Donors evening is special for me.

Ten years from now, the New York Symphony turns 150 years old, which is just about as old as most of our subscribers.

[laughter]

I want you to take a quick look around the room.

You all have something in common with one another.

Can you guess what it is... besides money?

You love music.

The music needs you, young donors to ensure that it lives into the future.

Let's imagine together what the future might look like.

Come.

We have a surprise.

A new symphony hall.

Modern, acoustically perfect.

A message to the classical music world that the New York Symphony is the future.

And now, the man who will take us there, your Maestro, Rodrigo DeSouza.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Gloria.

Thank you very much.

I like it. It's very nice, Gloria.

I think it's gonna be brilliant.

[laughter]

I want to say something very serious now, and for me to be able to do so, I have to say it not in the English language.

I am a long way from home.

It gets lonely sometimes.

I have no family here.

It's been hard to make real friends.

But sometimes when I raise my baton, And make music with my fellow musicians...

For a moment, I think that maybe I do have a family.

That one day I might call this home...

Maybe.

Only time will tell...

Enough. Thank you.

Gracias, gracias, gracias.

Thank you very much.

I hope that somebody understood it, because... yeah, I hope.

Do you speak Spanish?

No, not really, but I think I understood the sentiment.

Yeah, same.

Me llamo Erik Winklestrauss.

Hailey Rutledge.

I had to, I...

Ah, I see you've met.

Hailey's a very talented young lady who plays the oboe beautifully.

Erik is a very generous donor who plays the stock market beautifully.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Excuse me. Oh, okay.

That seems so exhausting.

Psst!

I think this guy's trying to get your attention.

Oh, sorry... one sec.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were gonna be here.

No, it's okay.

You look great.

In your food memo, you said that seafood was okay, but this has cilantro and avocado.

I think the donors are feeling very futuristic.

Don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And... oh, the next one I want you to meet...

Mrs. Barbara Silverman. She's quite...

Oh, no. I met everybody... I don't...

Hey, Gloria.

This building tastes like crap, I got to tell you.

I'll tell the architect.

Do that.

Oh, and one quick tip.

A beautiful thing about the future, no one really knows how it'll turn out.

Wow.

I better go talk to him.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night, Gloria. Good night.

Why don't you talk to me anymore, eh, Sharon?

Nothing. Not even "hello."

Nothing, nothing, Sharon. That's it.

[women laughing]

They were smashed.

They weren't m*rder*d.

Like a Taco Tuesday?

No, no, no.

[shrieks] Maestro!

Let me buy you a drink at the open bar.

[laughs]

But not as your assistant.

As... as your friend.

And as the second chair substitute oboist.

No, "Hai Lai," no.

This is not Acapulco, okay?

Okay.

Some of us have to go to practice, and some of us don't.

I guess he's a busy man.

I'm so sorry it took so long.

What?

But I think you're gonna be pretty happy with what I picked out for you.

I'm not hungry, "Michele." I'm not hungry.

Okay, let's go... come on. Grab my scarf.

Okay.

Okay?

[winded] Do you... do you always pedal so fast?

[huffing and groaning]

If I lose you, text me a rendezvous point.

[Latin music playing]

♪

[people shouting]

♪
♪

What is your name?

I'll tell you later.

♪

Can I say something to you out of, like, love and devotion?

Yeah.

You're a woman, man.

[laughs] What?

[chuckles] I mean, you're the same, but you're, like, better.

I don't know, I want to be like you when I grow up.

How are things with Bradford?

He's awesome.

Lizzie.

Hailey.

Lizzie.

What?

What do you want me to say?

We read short stories to each other while we waited for our train to get fixed, you know?

I got sick in front of him and he didn't care.

He's into me.

I'm so, so sorry for this whole mess.

What whole mess?

This one!

Aah!

You did it!

Don't, no!

Stop.

[screaming and laughing]

[Latin music playing]

♪

Aah!

[giggling]

Okay, yeah.

♪

Oh. Mmm.

[both moaning]

You can take it off, just take it off.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Oh, Rodrigo!

Go, oh, go!

[passionate yelling]

[orgasmic screaming]