05x22 - The Shortcut

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Ed.

Hmm.

Got you something.

That better not be your finger poking through the bottom of that box again.

That scared the pudding out of me.

25 years ago today, we got in business together.

This is my way of saying thank you for letting me make you rich.

Come on, Mikey.

Aww, look at that. (Chuckles)

Wow.

Well, you've done pretty well, too, Mike.

Look how much you just blew on a... on a dumb anniversary present.

I'll take that as a "thank you."

Congrats.

All right, pal. (Stammers)

I've got something for you.

Just hold one second here.

Ah, yes. (Clears throat)

A, um, gold pen and pencil set.

Oh, I can't accept that.

I gave that to you on our 20th.

And I've seen you clean your ear with that pen.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I just... I just can't remember these damn anniversaries.

Eh, don't worry. It's not like we're married.

Maybe that's why we lasted so long.

Thank you, pal. Congratulations.

All right, good. Look at that.

Hey, hon.

Hey, Dad.

I'm a schmuck.

Do you want me to argue or agree?

You dad just gave me a watch to celebrate our being partners for 25 years, and I tried to give him a pen that had been in my ear.

Oh, well, you know, Dad's not really into fancy gifts.

Why don't you just take him to dinner or something?

Well... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

How about a tribute dinner at Outdoor Man Grill?

We could have speeches and slide shows.

It would blow him away.

Wow. That would be a pretty thoughtful gift, Ed.

A lot more thoughtful than this watch, I think.

Damn, he had it engraved.

(Clears throat)

(Voice breaking) I love you, too, buddy.

Well, that was a waste of time.

I just clicked through 25 questions to find out I should be living in Colorado.

I took that same test.

It said I should be living in 1956.

Oh, my God! Guys! Look at what I just got!

Front Range Fashions wants to buy Mandy Baxter Designs!

Mandy! Honey, that's amazing!

Wow, the little company that you run out of our little basement is somehow on the fashion industry radar.

Wow, Mom.

Way to compliment me... two "littles" and a "somehow."

It is a compliment.

You started this little company all by yourself, and look at you... radar!

I'm really psyched.

Yeah.

And now, after Kyle and I get married, we can finally afford one of those downtown lofts like he's always dreamed of me having.

And, you know, then we'll have money left over to grow the company.

Yeah, one tiny thing... you make all that money by selling your company.

That's like selling your kid so you can afford to send him to college.

No.

I'd just be selling the name, like Lincoln did with that memorial.

He ended sl*very. You make crop tops.

Good comparison.

There's also a noncompete clause.

Means you can't sell or make clothes for two years.

Oh. Yeah, sweetie, you'd essentially be out of the fashion business.

Right. If you want my advice, which you do, I say tell them to drop this and just work hard and make your own company.

Okay, so you're saying I should pick years of hard work over lots of money now?

It's like you don't even know me.

I know you, and I know your generation.

It's all about instant gratification.

You know, I blame the Internet and that yogurt in a tube.

Yeah.

Get a spoon, sit down, and do the work!

Your father always says, "Business isn't a sprint. It's a marathon."

Um, actually, Sprint is a business.

Why am I taking advice from you?

(Laughs)

Honey, the bottom line is there are no shortcuts.

All right. I appreciate it when you give me one of your talks, Dad, but, uh, money also talks.

And what makes this decision so hard is that... I really love you both.

Actually, she did get you on one point.

Sprint is a business.

(Scoffs)

Did you have to touch every one of them?

I touched one... to move it out of the way to get to the one I wanted.

Legally, the first one you touch should be the one you eat.

Okay.

Could I see you guys a moment, please?

Oh, great. Great. Now we're both in trouble.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right.

I'm planning a surprise dinner for Mike to honor his service to the store.

You know, I don't think you know how surprise works.

You're not supposed to tell people.

I-I'll be giving a speech.

I want you guys to give one, too.

Why us?

Because you're his best friends.

(Both laugh)

Yeah.

I don't want to be the only one giving a speech, all right?

So, please, come up with something, run it by me tomorrow.

Come on. Okay, thank you.

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Okay. Good, good, good.

And from now on, you don't touch a doughnut unless you're gonna eat it.

Dad! You're a genius.

Now, that is how you enter a room.

Yeah, especially if your dad is Albert Einstein.

If your dad was Ronald Reagan, you'd say, "Dad, you're an airport."

Mandy: That's good.

Listen.

I've thought about Front Range Fashions' offer, and I'm not going to take the buyout.

Oh. I am going to build the company myself.

Good idea. Yeah.

Using my idea.

You're being smart, Mandy. Yeah.

Slow and steady wins the race.

And that's exactly how I want to do it.

Except, instead of slow and steady, I'm gonna do it, like, super fast.

Why don't you run upstairs and get that book, "Tortoise and The Hare"?

Maybe this time she'll understand it.

(Chuckles)

Uh, sweetie, what exactly is your plan?

Uh, we're actually still working out the details.

No, no, we're not.

See, um, Kyle and I have to face facts.

Without the buyout, we can't afford to get the bitchin' loft downtown and put money into my company.

Mike: Yeah. Well, and you're not gonna like this.

Maybe you should wait on the bitchin' loft.

Yeah, exactly.

Which is why we're gonna move in with you!

I know this might be too late to say, but I'm not sure we should have children.

Dad, look.

If Mandy Baxter Designs is gonna grow like your company, this is the step that Kyle and I need to take.

Yeah? Kyle, what do you think about this step?

Well, I think...

He loves the idea, don't you, Kyle?

Yeah, of course.

You know, I-I've basically lived on my own since I was 16, so it'll be fun living under someone else's roof, by... someone else's rules... like I'm in a cage.

You see?

I-I think, for everyone's sake, I should probably start wearing pants at night.

Listen. Give us a minute.

Please tell me you think this is a bad idea.

It's a horrible idea.

But once Mandy gets an idea in her head, it sticks, like that marble she got stuck up her nose in preschool.

And again in fourth grade.

Yeah, well, that's when we switched pediatricians.

It just got embarrassing.

Mandy's got to discover on her own that this shortcut is a terrible idea.

Okay, all right. How?

Kyle is clearly not into this, right?

I say we let him move in. He's gonna hate it.

Nobody wants to go from living alone to having to wear pants at night.

(Laughs) That's insane!

You know, we might be pushing our luck, but do they really need the master bedroom?

I-I just don't think your parents are gonna like me living here, Mandy.

I'm a sleep-whistler.

Listen up.

Okay.

We've talked about it...

Yeah.

...and I-I think before we think about you guys moving in, there should be a trial period.

Yeah. Uh, Kyle can live here for a week, and... and we'll give it a try.

Yay!

And you know what just occurred to me... what if we got your bedroom?

You will stay in your room, and Kyle can have the guest room.

Yaay.

Get some rest. Calisthenics are at 5:00 a.m.

With pants!

Welcome to the cage!

(Clattering)

Kyle: Ah, dang it! Okay.

Wow. Kyle's only been here one night, and he already sounds like he's having a tough time.

Stop. Remember.

When we get in there, it's all about rules.

Okay. No big smiles from you, Ms. Sunshine.

Leave the teeth at the door.

Listen, Kyle. We have rules around here...

Is that bacon?

Yeah.

And he cooked the eggs in bacon, used bacon to butter the toast.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure the boy's a genius.

And a bacon genius. That's the best kind.

And Mrs. B., I made you a veggie omelet.

Oh.

Certainly sounds healthy.

He put bacon in it.

(Gasps) Yay!

And I hope I didn't break any rules, but I also organized the refrigerator and the pantry.

Oh, and my thoughts on v*olence in media.

It's bad.

Hey, babe. What are you doing?

Oh, I made breakfast for the family.

Oh, and, Mr. B., I made us breakfast to go.

Wow. Look at that.

Having Kyle here certainly seems to be a good idea.

Hey, I'll have waffles. -No, no.

Waffles and I are late for work.

That's my new nickname for Kyle.

(Chuckles)

Come on, Waffles.

I love that. All right, bye, Mandy.

Give me...

Bring it, boys. Dazzle me with your words.

Come on.

Good evening, folks.

We're here to honor Mike Baxter and talk about all the things that make him such a great guy.

All right.

So, good night, everybody!

(Both laugh)

Okay. Okay.

A friend, a co-worker, an expert fisherman... these are just some of the people Mike Baxter has fired.

(Both laugh)

Hang on. I got one. This is good.

It's fair to say that a majority of people like Mike Baxter.

Because God knows the minorities don't!

(Both laugh)

What is this? You think this is funny?

I do. And you know something? I know funny.

For your information, I did two open mike nights at the Comedy Kiosk down at the mall.

Listen.

We're paying tribute to a man who has dedicated his life to the store.

And you mock him.

We were also working on a limerick.

Give me those. Come on.

Give me that. You're gonna start over.

Write something respectful, please.

Here's a trick I learned at Toastmasters, all right?

You... You pick an admirable trait, and you write how the dictionary defines it.

Bravery, honesty, integrity.

Now I know how the dictionary defines "boring."

Are you sure you don't want to hear the limerick?

Ugh.

I want something heartfelt, something that'll make Mike feel special.

"There was an Outdoor Man named Mike..."

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out!

Get out! Go on. Out the door!

Come on. -It was good.

♪

So, the cloud says, "You can't get a balloon to do that."

(Laughs)

Oh, boy.

Oh. Look.

It's the world's weirdest bromance.

Ah, commuting with your dad all this week has been great.

I listen, I laugh, and I learn.

I talk, I joke, and I teach.

I do that when I'm by myself, but this is more fun.

(Sighs)

Hey.

Well, I'm gonna go see what your dad's doing.

No! Hey! Kyle!

No, no, no, no, no. He just left the room.

Come on. Um...

I was hoping tonight, you know, we could spend a little quality time together.

Oh. Abso-tively.

I'm gonna watch a movie with your parents.

You should join us.

No.

I meant something just with the two of us.

Oh. Uh, but I've already promised your dad that I was gonna make homemade ice cream again.

He wants something with caramel, pecans, vanilla, and bacon.

It's gonna taste like bacon.

Kyle, you guys have watched a movie every night this week.

Well, Tuesday was Baxter home movies.

I didn't feel left out, even though I wasn't in any of them.

And you, young lady, you were a handful.

No!

Don't try to distract me with how cute I was.

You're spending all your time with my parents.

Is this what it's gonna be like for the rest of our lives?

I don't know.

What have you heard? Do they like me?

Honey?

Yeah?

What's the matter?

Well, I'm kind of sad.

About what?

Kyle goes back to his apartment tomorrow.

And... And, I mean, don't make fun of me, but... I'm gonna miss him.

I know what you mean. I know.

Now we got to go back to stupid regular butter.

All right, guys?

Kyle is gonna love the movie I got.

"Babe."

What are you thinking?! He'll never make bacon again!

Oh.

Okay, well, how about this?

Maybe tomorrow night, instead of watching a movie, we play charades?

Dibs on Kyle!

Sweetie.

What?

He goes home tomorrow.

So, Kyle leaves and Mandy stays?

Where's your God now, Moses?!

You know, it's weird.

You thought Kyle wouldn't like living here, but he does.

And you know what's even weirder, is... is we love having him.

Guess what I called him today.

Um... Waffles?

Kyle.

Not [Groaning] "Kyle!"

Or [Grunting] "Kyle!"

Just Kyle.

Mm. You know what?

I really want them to live here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey. You called me, Mr. B.?

Uh, no.

We were just talking about you two moving in.

Fingers crossed, applesauce, let my dreams come true.

And we'd be thrilled if you did.

Yes!

No. What?

I hate this idea.

There's no way we're living here after we get married.

Well, now we know applesauce has no power.

Listen. Took a vote.

Kyle stays, you're gonna leave.

That's so funny, Dad.

I've waited all my life to get a son, and you make him leave after one week?

He's still got that new-son smell.

I'm supposed to be the center of Kyle's universe, not you guys.

A universe can only have one center.

That's science.

Is that what this is all about?

You're jealous of your mom and me?

Look, we were supposed to move in here and make it our love nest, and you guys were just supposed to pay for everything.

Yeah, why didn't we do that? What's the matter with us?

But instead, you stole my fiancé.

You know what? It was probably your plan all along.

Actually, I thought you'd be miserable and you'd move out.

That was the plan.

Who knew the kid could make homemade ice cream?

When you think about it, I'm the victim here.

Okay, all that stuff Kyle is doing is just him kissing up to you.

No, no, no. I get that all the time at work.

This... This is something different.

He was so worried about this whole idea.

I mean, there's definitely something going on with him.

I just don't know what it is yet.

Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it [sighs] sitting down here in the basement all by yourself.

Hey, hon. What are you doing?

Making you happy by making you waffles.

Waffles making waffles.

Kyle, you don't always have to make everyone else happy.

You know, like with my parents, they like a kid who challenges them a bit more.

Vanessa: No! We... We really don't!

Yeah, uh, sorry.

I, uh... I got caught in the garage and... and didn't know what to do, so, um... uh, carry on.

I wasn't trying to make your parents happy.

I was doing all that for me.

Then I don't get it. (Scoffs)

Mandy, I was nervous when you first suggested all of this because I've never really lived with a family before.

Not a normal one, anyway.

That's so sad.

You think these people are normal.

My mom was just hiding in the garage.

Yeah, because she didn't want to interrupt.

She cares about other people's feelings.

Everyone around here does. It's crazy.

Yeah.

And I'm really sorry you'd never had that, you know?

It must have been hard growing up with your mean brothers and grandma who was only holding onto reality with... yarn.

I guess I just got carried away 'cause I finally get what people mean when they talk about "home."

It's weird.

You'd think something so important would have a bigger word.

Well, damn.

I can't make you leave after that.

It doesn't matter where we live, Mandy.

Now I know what I want.

I want a home.

With you.

This is all I need to be happy... your complete and total attention.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hope you're not keeping the kid away from doing his cooking.

No, Dad.

He's making waffles for the whole family.

With homemade ice cream on top.

Can we keep him? Please? I'll walk him. I will.

I'll walk him all the time. I really will.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

How come when someone says, "I've got family in town," our reaction is, "You poor bastard"?

Why can't we be more like the African lions?

They love sticking together... stalking, mauling, k*lling.

Fun for the whole family.

Lions love their family so much, they even call it a pride, as opposed to most humans who call it an embarrassment.

Kind of sad everyone assumes our least favorite people are the ones with our DNA.

Which might be true if you're Martin Sheen.

But me, I'm actually happiest when I'm with my whole family.

George Bernard Shaw said, "A happy family is but an earlier heaven."

I don't know how he knew that.

He was a kooky socialist who never had any kids.

But he was right.

You want to appreciate your family, talk to somebody who doesn't have a family.

That thing you take for granted, some people pray for.

And if you want to make their day, take someone without a family and welcome them into your family.

It will help you realize how lucky you are.

Just make sure they really want to be there, because otherwise, it's kidnapping.

The man has truly dedicated his life to his family, both at home... and this store.

In summary, Mike Baxter is a model of integrity.

That's right, Chuck.

And Webster's Dictionary defines integrity as a firm adherence to a code of moral values.

A better definition... Mike Baxter.

I didn't realize you and Joe were so close.

We're not.

Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you. (Clears throat)

Now I know how the dictionary defines "boring."

Ladies and gentlemen, we're here tonight to honor Mike Baxter, to talk about all the things that make him such a great guy.

Good night, everybody!

It's fair to say that the majority of people like Mike Baxter because...

God knows minorities don't, right, Chuck, huh?

He stole your jokes, didn't he?

Hey, if he does the limerick, we're out of here.

A friend, an expert fisherman, And a... a giver of watches.

I love you buddy.